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“Do not dwell too much on the thought.”
As always his voice was composed, his words at their best attempts to cushion the gruesome facts, toning them down so they would be hard to perceive. But not for Noctis.
His hands retreated from where they had almost touched Ignis’ cheek, taking the terrified warmth with him that had radiated briefly against scorched skin. Ignis’ words had adopted that cloudy heaviness, as if he was trying to muffle piercing screams by drowning them under his surface.
How could you do this to us. To me? His thoughts were still raging, still not settling after the avalanche of events that had come to pass within a few days only and left Noctis biting his tongue. It was unfair, that’s what it was and his anger, his frustration had no real place to go. Never would have Ignis impaired himself like that out of free choice. He always knew how essential he was to their small group, he was their brains, their plan, their security.
He probably didn’t know that to Noctis he was more than that and that he was at a loss knowing that the deep green eyes he had come to know since his childhood had all but faded. That they would never watch over him again. Never look at him again. His safety gone, snuffed out like they were brittle wicks of too old candles and not the sharpest tool of the most brilliant mind Noctis had ever come to know.
Of course it was not Ignis’ fault.
“I know there must be a lot on your mind”, Ignis’ voice cut through Noctis’ thoughts. “But you should try to get some rest. You must be exhausted.”
Noctis’ fist tightened, crumpling the flimsy sheets of that damn train they were stuck sleeping in.
“So are you”, he barely managed, realising with a bitterness that he wouldn’t even have to hide the twitch of his mouth and the glumness on his face. And Ignis, oh that unbelievable idiot had the audacity to smile. A muted, lopsided shadow of a smile that made him flinch for just a blink because the scar tissue had not yet healed and was pulling on what Noctis would have sworn to be the most handsome face on Eos. He still would.
“It will pass.”
“You said that about your injury too.”
“Noct…”
The mattress squeaked as Ignis shifted and it took Noctis all his might not to get up and run as he saw how Ignis’ hand sought for his knee. He found it after three attempts.
“I know…”, Noctis exhaled, his voice scrambling for a firm foothold.
“But I can barely even look at you without- It’s all-”
Ignis’ hand squeezed Noctis’ leg with a fragile gentleness and it was impossible to tell how he could still find the energy and patience to do so.
“Shit, Ignis, don’t lower your head. That’s not what I meant…”
The silence that hung in the air was incredibly loud and nauseating. Things were not fine. Quite the opposite of that actually. And there was just nothing… nothing…
“There’s nothing I can do… for you.”
A heartbeat passed before Noctis found his face being pulled against Ignis’ shoulder by the neck.
“You are doing enough.”
Noctis could hear him swallow around something in his throat that was roughening up his voice.
“Would you…” Ignis huffed and shook his head, the grip on Noctis’ neck loosening.
“Never mind-“
Within seconds Noctis had flung his arms around him, pushing his nose deep into the crook of Ignis’ neck with eyes squeezed shut. He hadn’t properly hugged him for what it felt like ages and it took all of Noctis’ courage to shove aside his guilt and anger and look behind that depressing veil. To actually care and show that he does, as he should have much more, when things were okay still. He had never taken Ignis’ presence for granted.
“Gods, Ignis, would it kill you to just ask for things?! Even once?”
Noctis could hear Ignis’ hesitation and another dumb attempt to contradict but surprisingly he was met with silence instead. Finally, finally those tears found their way from the pressure behind his eyes and if Ignis was bothered by it, he didn’t say so. Honestly, he never did.
“Just talk to me, Specs…”, he whimpered. “Please… talk to me.”
Nothing did he know about the reason or the cause for the immense damage Ignis had been dragging along from Altissia. Neither did he know how much it scared him to be in the dark or if he even hated Noctis himself for ruining his life. The insecurity was swallowing him.
Silence persisted but they held each other quietly that night, soothing wounds that would never heal. They would never fade but in this moment, they were a tiny bit more bearable.