Chapter Text
Cold hands gripped hers as she felt the momentum underneath pulling her somewhere. She doesn’t need to look around to know where she is, she knows this place like the back of her hand. These halls had become her life in the past 3 years, loud and crowded today like it was just another day, and maybe it would’ve been if her morning had started differently.
Suddenly the hand in hers pulls her back in, it’s not the hand she had wanted but it isn’t unwelcome. She looks up to be met with eyes that are identical to hers, brown and emotional. She realizes he’s calling her name but the sound is distant, too far.
Her thoughts are stuck on blonde hair and a pair of blue eye’s instead, looking around to spot them anywhere, amongst the crowd that surrounds her, but they’re nowhere to be found.
The hand goes up to her shoulder and slightly shakes her this time, “Carina?”, his voice is hoarse, but it was early in the morning and she had woken him up from his sleep. “Hey, Carina?” he catches her attention once again and she realizes she’d seemingly drifted off into space again, “She’ll be here okay? You know her, she wouldn’t miss this for the world”
But Carina just nods, yes, she knew that. They’d waited for this moment for nine months, there was nothing more important to either of them, she’d be here.
Carina repeats the words like a mantra as if to calm herself down, and only when she knew she’d succeeded did she turn to her brother, “You’re right fratellino, I don’t know why I’m worried” she shook her head, “Can you please call her again though? Just in case?”
He nods before squeezing her hand and walking away. Carina knew her wife had never given her a reason to worry but she couldn’t help but feel like something was utterly wrong. Her gut had been unsettled since she woke up in the morning to an empty bed, which was a common occurrence given both woman’s occupations and busy schedules. She vividly remembered a kiss left on her forehead the night before and a promise of ‘see you later’ before she had walked out of the door.
Andrea came back into the room with a solemn look on his face, his phone in his hand “It’s still going to voicemail”
She takes a deep breath upon hearing the words, tears prickling her eyes as she breaks down into her brother's arms that are now wrapped around her, “I can’t do this without her, Andrea”
“You won’t, she’d probably be on her way here right now and I’m sure she had a good explanation for why she’s not answering”
“I can’t do this” she breathes hard again and lets her brother go to gain control of her breathing, but it’s getting harder and harder. Her vision starts fading further and the monitor at her side begins to beep loudly.
“Carina, hey, hey! Try to calm down okay? Follow my breathing” he places her hand on his heart and breathes deeply with her, but just when she thinks she’s starting to regain control her breathing becomes shallow and rapid, and she felts lightheaded.
“And-rea-” she gasps out still finding it hard to talk as her panic continues to escalate, making it difficult for her to focus on anything else. In the midst of all of this her contractions had started once again as her brother rushed to push the call button, but before she could hear him call for help her body went limp as the room around her faded to black.
Her eyes flickered open as the brightness of the room blinded her. As she slowly regained consciousness, Carina became aware of the beeping monitors and the sterile smells of the hospital room. She tried to sit up, but her body felt weak and heavy as if she had just run a marathon.
It was then that she felt a hand on her arm pushing her back down, “Hey, you’re awake”
“Andrea? Che cosa?” her voice felt thick as she motioned to her brother asking for water and he complied bringing some to her lips. “What happened?” she said looking around the room frantically when her last memories came back to her.
“Shh, sorella calmati, you’re okay” he waited for her to look at him once again before continuing, “you had a panic attack and lost consciousness for a while, and the doctors had to rush you to an emergency c-section”
“la mia bambina…” she gasped looking around once again trying to push away her brother's hands that were keeping her down
“She’s okay, she’s okay Carina breathe, please. She’s in the NICU and she’s healthy-” Carina felt a wave of relief as she hugged her brother pulling him closer.
“Can I see her?” she needed to see her daughter for herself, hold the little girl in her arms, and never let her go again. She’d never felt this way, as if a part of her heart was out there somewhere, away from her. Two parts of her heart-
“I’ll go get her” he nodded and started to leave but Carina put a hand out to stop him.
“Wait-” she waited for him to turn around, “Is she…is she here?” maybe she was in the NICU with their daughter, maybe…but as she looked into her brother's eyes they seemed to grow sadder as if a cloud had cast over them, almost as if he was carrying a heavy burden. “Andrea where’s my wife?” she asked her heart racing
Instead of answering her he turned around and called for a nurse, “Andrea?”
“You should hold your daughter in your hands” he looked everywhere but at her, “I’ll tell the nurse to get her,” he said still avoiding her gaze
“Andrea that’s not what I asked. Where is she?” she felt her throat getting drier as if her breath was stuck in her throat, “Please, tell me?”
“Carina, there was an accident…” he licked his lips and looked into her eyes as she let his hand go
“No” the Italian shook her head, it was all just a nightmare and she would wake up from it soon, the blonde would be next to her in no time and would hold their daughter and choose a name from their long list.
“She didn’t make it”
Carina felt like she had been punched in the stomach. It couldn't be true, she couldn’t do this alone, she couldn’t raise a child alone.
There was a knock on the door as a nurse walked in with a little figure covered in blankets in her hand, “Do you need a minute?” the nurse said sensing the weird air in the room as both siblings looked distraught with tears in their eyes.
“No” the brunette shook her head and reached her arms out, “Let me hold her”, she waited as Andrew walked towards the nurse and took the baby in his arms bringing her to Carina, silently cooing and holding her close before placing her in the Italian’s waiting arms.
As she reached a finger out towards the little girl's button nose, the infant yawned and slowly opened her eyes. Carina gasped at the sight of the baby's bright, ocean-blue eyes as the tears started to roll in once again. She nuzzled the baby closer to herself sniffing her head as the baby started to fuss upon seeing her mother’s tears. It was as if her daughter could feel her pain radiating off her, both feeling the loss of her second parent, their other half.
The dream of her perfect family lay broken as Carina continued to calm down the crying baby. A lump formed in Carina's throat as she gazed down at her daughter. It was bittersweet - the joy of holding her newborn, mixed with the overwhelming sadness as thoughts of what Andrew had said came back to her, thoughts she couldn’t let in because there was another life depending on her, a life so fragile she realized as little fingers tried to circle her hospital gown trying to pull at it but failed to do so.
She sat there mesmerized looking at the little life she had created, the nose and the small fingers and toes, the wisps of blonde hair, and those eyes. “I have to pick a name” she realized with a start, “We had a list-” she shook her head, “It feels wrong to do it on my own, what if it's not the name she would’ve wanted”
“Hey, you don’t have to do anything right now okay?”, she could see the pain in her brother's eyes and remembered she had woken him up from his sleep, she remembered she was not the only one who’d lost her family, he had lost his second sister too.
He bent down and reached his hands out, "Why don't you rest for a bit?" he suggested. "I'll take care of her."
“But-” she went to interrupt him, but he stopped her.
“No buts, you need rest more than me. Today has been a lot for everyone but you gave birth okay? Please rest, we’ll be right here waiting for you when you wake up, we can figure everything out together” She nodded gratefully, and let her brother pick the baby up and place her in a bassinet next to her bed.
As she closed her eyes, Carina couldn't help but wonder what kind of person her daughter would grow up to be. If she would be selfless and kind like her wife, and if she would have some of the same mannerisms, the infant already looked so much like her that the brunette couldn’t help but gasp every time she looked over. As she drifted off to sleep, her heart ached for her wife, but it was also full with love for their daughter.
She knew there was a lot to do but she trusted her brother's words and believed when he said she still had a village to lean on, it’s what kept her going.
Carina's heart felt heavy as she made her way to the funeral. She wore a black dress and clutched tightly to her daughter, who was wrapped in a white blanket. Her brother walked beside her, his hand on her shoulder for support.
She was greeted by mourners, all dressed in black, the moment she arrived, but as her eyes searched the crowd, trying to find some comfort in the familiar faces, she found it harder and harder not to get overwhelmed. Her mind kept wandering back to her wife, and she felt her emotions start to bubble up inside her.
During the service, she knew she was expected to speak, to say beautiful words about her, and the family she lift behind, about their daughter but when she stood up, holding her daughter in her arms, her voice caught in her throat and tears filled her eyes. She tried to compose herself, but the words wouldn't come out. She was too overwhelmed with grief.
Feeling defeated, Carina turned and quickly walked away, her brother following closely behind. They found a quiet corner outside and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.
"It's okay," he whispered. "You don't have to be strong all the time."
Carina looked up at him, tears streaming down her face. "I just miss her so much," she choked out.
"I know," her brother said, wiping away her tears. "I know, and that's okay. But you have a daughter to take care of now. She needs you to be strong."
She nodded but the grief was overwhelming, “Every time I look at her, it’s like seeing a ghost” it was getting harder to hold her daughter without crying, she felt like she was failing as if she was a bad mother.
“It’s my fault, I should’ve never let her leave the house that day, I should’ve never let her get on that plane, especially so close to the due date. I knew it was only two days, I knew she wanted to stay, I-I should've stopped her”
“Hey, hey, It’s not your fault, Carina, you can't control everything. You couldn't have known what was going to happen”
Carina took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. And then, unexpectedly, the baby in her arms squealed loudly, waving her arms in the air, causing both of them to burst out laughing. It was a welcome distraction from her grief, and for a brief moment, she felt a glimmer of happiness.
"Come on," he said, a small smile on his face now, "Let's go back inside and show everyone that beautiful baby of yours."
"You have to eat, Carina" Her brother urged her quietly, rubbing at her back as he placed a bowl of soup in front of her, but she had no appetite. She hasn't had an appetite for weeks.
"I'm not hungry. Maybe later."
"You say later but later never comes." he pushed the plate a little closer to her, but Carina just shook her head.
Andrew practically lived with her now. He was always there checking up on her and his niece, a niece she still hadn’t chosen a name for. It had been 3 weeks since she gave birth, since the accident and two since the funeral, her days had started to blend into each other. She hadn’t left her bed in days, only getting up to feed the newborn or to go to the bathroom.
The reminder of the child pulled her attention back to the bassinet next to her, she was cooing softly as Andrew picked her up and placed her in Carina’s arms once again. Her heart that was torn in two seemed to heal itself a little looking into those eyes. The little girl let out a contented sigh and yawned, showing off a toothless grin.
"Isn't she beautiful?" Carina asked, her eyes shining with love.
Her brother nodded, looking at the two of them with a mix of admiration and sadness. He opened his mouth to agree, but the words fell short as his phone dinged with an email from the hospital. “Did you know they were renaming the hospital?” he looked up at her incredulously.
The brunette wasn’t shocked as she kept her eyes trained on the little girl playing with her fingers. “They asked me” she nodded.
“Grey-Sloan-Robbins Memorial?”
Carina flinched and her heart constricted at the mention of her late wife's name. She knew Arizona would’ve said yes if it was anyone else and so she had done the same, but that didn’t mean that seeing the name in big letters every time she went to work would hurt any less, but she’d already made a decision, one that she was yet to share with her brother, until now.
"But it’s going to be too much," Carina whispered, tears pricking at her eyes. "Everywhere I go, it's like her ghosts are following me, I can’t stay in this city anymore" The aching in her chest, which has been a constant companion these last few weeks, becomes almost unbearable in that moment. It is the feeling of her heart splitting in two.
The feeling that lets her know that she'll never be able to love again.
Her brother put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I understand, sorrela . But leaving everything behind isn't the answer."
Carina shook her head. "I can't be a doctor in the same hospital that bears her name. It's too painful."
Her brother sighed, but he didn't push the issue.
She took a deep breath and wiped her tears away. "I've been thinking about it, and I want to move to a smaller town. Somewhere quieter, where I can focus on raising my daughter and healing, and I know you have a job here but you can visit us?”
That brought a smile to his face as he nodded, “Okay, okay, but I’m here for whatever you and my nipotina need, promise you’ll call me if you need anything?” he held his little finger out childishly.
“I promise” she laughed lightly as she wrapped her pinky around his, feeling a sense of both sadness and hope. She knew it wouldn't be easy to start over, but she was determined to make a new life for herself and her daughter.