Work Text:
NOT ENOUGH DESIRES
Maybe Jensen was right.
Maybe he really has lost too much weight, Jared hated when Jensen was right because that man was always right, not a single faulty bone in his body.
Jared lifted his eyes and his reflection stared back at him, paler, asher but definitely his.
He tried to settle down his hair, they have lost their shine but they have not lost their bounciness. His nails looked less rosy. His fingers more wrinkled.
When did all of this happen and why Jensen noticed it before Jared did.
---
Last night they both came home at the same time, Jensen from his office and Jared from his meeting with the adoption agency with which they have been working since the last ten months. They were both tired but where Jensen was more tired physically Jared was done both physically and mentally.
He had asked Jensen if he wanted him to fix something up for dinner but Jensen took Jared by his waist and placing a kiss on his forehead assisted him to the sofa where they both lay watching Discovery channel while Jensen called for the pizza.
Jared was tucked smugly in between the blanket and Jensen’s body while Jensen’s hands rubbed soothing circles on the small of Jared’s back when Jensen abruptly asked him whether he was eating enough. Jared lifted his head up and looked in the green eyes which looked concerned and he told the eyes that he was.
The eyes didn’t believe him.
Jensen shook his head and taking Jared’s left hand in his right one he touched Jared’s fingers. When he reached the wedding band Jared realized that it indeed was looser, “You have lost weight babe… I don’t like that.” Jensen whispered and Jared shivered. He bit his bottom lip and stared at the mole on Jensen’s neck.
Before he was required to answer his husband, he was saved by the bell. Literally.
He detached himself from Jensen and when he brought the pizza box and the cokes inside that’s when he realized that he didn’t want to eat, but seeing that Jensen would definitely throw a fit if he didn’t, he settled with a slice of pizza and half a glass of coke which was more filled with ice than with coke.
He couldn’t finish it and when he didn’t have any more energy to sit there and fake-eat he got up, “Umm… I… I am going to bed. Why don’t you… you finish your shark week. If it’s okay, I’ll sleep.”
Without waiting for any reply he rushed to his bedroom, after ten minutes he felt the tell tale sign of the bed dipping and when Jensen spooned him Jared realized how his husband hands must have noticed how thinner he had become.
---
He kept staring at the mirror when his hand coursed down to his cheeks, Jensen loved them. He always said Jared had a strong jaw, great cheek bones and his dimples, well Jensen loved them the most. He’d kiss them one by one and when rarely in a moment of hurry or passion or when they were in public if he would kiss just one then Jared would feign anger, say the other dimple felt alone… worthless and Jensen would roar with laughter and shower kisses on Jared.
A smile floated on Jared’s lips and Jared noticed those too, they looked chap, dry and their pinkish hue has disappeared, replaced by a tan that left Jared wondering again.
His body, his shrine, shouldn’t he be the one noticing it before his husband did.
Shouldn’t he be one knowing it more than his husband did.
Shouldn’t he be the caring for it more than his…
“Babe!...”
Jensen was standing at his back and Jared’s catenated thoughts unlinked and he did it involuntarily but he did it; he started covering his body. For the first time in their relationship Jared felt ashamed of being naked in front of Jensen.
“What are you doing here, I’ve been calling you.”
“Jen… I… just… umm I…”
“I am sorry…” Jensen had grabbed his clothes, discarded them in the corner of the bathroom and had hugged Jared tight when he whispered this.
A breath left Jared’s lungs but soon he came overboard and wrapped his arms around his warm husband, “Jensen?”
“The agency called me in the office babe… I am so sorry. I don’t… I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me anything yesterday.”
Jared’s mouth tightened, his teeth clenched and his mind was on a continuous loop of Jensen-knows, Jensen-knows. Why he was standing and had not melted down right there and then was a mystery to him. Maybe it was Jensen… holding him. Protecting him. Possessing him.
---
It’s nearly been a year since they applied to the New York state adoption agency and this was the third time they were rejected.
They had decided on their fourth wedding anniversary that they wanted kids and it was Jared’s idea to adopt. They had the option of surrogate but Jared was a little paranoid about that. He had heard many a tales of surrogate’s backing out or their families getting involved and ruining the whole procedure so Jensen had held his hand and agreed with his decision to give a baby… someone else’s baby a home, two daddies, four overbearing grandparents and infinite love.
But it turned out to be a nightmare.
The first time they got rejected Jared took it in stride. The lady who had decided to sign the papers loved the two of them especially Jared but they didn’t have the correct and the latest documents and by the time Jensen’s original documents were posted by his mother the expiration date of that application form had passed. Jared had cried, that lady had cried, Jensen had been concerned about Jared.
It took Jared three weeks to come to his original self and that’s when Jensen had started the process again.
This time everything went on time and Jensen loved seeing the bouncy, floppy husband of his going through the numerous application forms.
Their Saturday nights which they reserved for each other near the fireplace, Jared with a book and Jensen with a firm resolve to not let Jared read that book were now consumed by digging through the potential baby options.
Then one day Jared found one, well to do family, lived about five hundred miles away(not very far not very near), clean medical history, everything just the way the two of them liked.
Phone calls were made.
Home inspections were done.
Background checks were cleared.
A thousand documents were filled.
Jared was full of life, hope, faith.
And finally the girl decided to see them; Jared fussed the whole weekend but was unusually calm during the meet.
The girl looked quite happy with them. Jensen was the balance to Jared’s energy. Jared was the balance to Jensen’s sincerity.
The meeting was over, Jensen knew Jared wanted to touch the baby bump, he could see it in his eyes but he didn’t want to take any chance of rejection so he controlled himself.
They shook hands; Jared hugged her later and was very optimistic that she would definitely choose them. His enthusiasm was infectious.
They didn’t sleep that night.
They joked, ate bad take out, watched Marley and Me, Jensen fucked Jared into their mattress all night long making him shout his name.
But they wished things remained that way…
The next day, they got a phone call on Jensen’s cell informing them that they were regretfully not chosen because the girl wants her baby to have both a mother and a father.
Jared was in the garden when the phone call came; he ended the phone call, made two lemonades and headed to his husband. He made a sweaty muddy and in high spirits Jared sit in the shade and told him about the phone call.
Jared didn’t react first but a while later Jensen found him hiding in his chest. Jared was crying.
Jensen felt every sob, every breath and every snivel that came out of his husband. Jared was breaking down… held up beneath Jensen’s chin and flush against his chest.
No one touched their lemonade.
Jensen wanted to cry too, for the family he never had, for the baby, but he didn’t cry. He didn’t cry for the family he already has, for Jared.
By the time they got inside the house Jared was already a shell, a hollow blind shell.
Jensen tried everything, loving him, soothing him, telling him stories of other gay couple who had the same problems, explaining him how they were the new kind of family and it would take time for people to understand that they are as capable of raising a child as a straight couple was but Jared just sat there looking blindly at the TV, changing channel after channel.
Jared had stopped giggling.
He had stopped making jokes.
He read, kept on reading, every book, every magazine, every newspaper.
It seemed he was looking for something in the papers that he kept digging his eyes in…
Distraction?
Diversion?
Absorption?
It was a full stop that they had hit.
And then fate found a comma.
A girl contacted Jensen. She needed financial assistant and was willing to give her child to them. They prepared again; Jared not as enthusiastic as before but he was getting there.
All the previous tortures of every finicky detail were gone through again. The process as complicated and as elaborate as before. But Jensen stood there as Jared’s pillar, sometimes literally, when Jared was tired collecting and preparing documents.
It was a fine process and they could not afford a single mistake. Not like they did any mistake the previous two times but still seeing Jared like that made Jensen’s life a living hell and he didn’t want to revisit that. Ever.
But it seemed that the path for that hell had been there all along.
Yesterday night when the agency called them in, Jensen had an important meeting so Jared went alone and it turned out the girl rejected them because she found another couple, another richer couple.
---
And now they were in their bathroom clinging to each other.
“They rejected me again… Jensen.”
“Us.”
“I was ready, we had everything, we cleared all the check marks, we would have had the baby but I got rejected again.”
“Us babe, they rejected us.”
“Am I so unlikable, why do I ruin everything. I feel… I feel so worthless.” Jared was sniveling and clinging to Jensen like he was his life support, like he would absorb all the problems.
“Don’t talk like that. We will eventually find a baby. I promise you.”
“Eventually… I don’t want eventually I want now… you don’t get it Jen I feel so… so incomplete. This family feels so incomplete and I need a baby Jen and people don’t see me worth it.”
“Jared this is not good. Please don’t speak like that. Nobody thinks you are not worth it, it just fate doesn’t want us to have a baby right now… so we wait.”
Jensen was holding Jared’s face in both his palms trying to calm him down.
With great difficulty he guided Jared to their sofa and settled him down holding him, touching him, stroking him, loving him.
Jared found his heart rate dropping to normal, his mind not messy with ‘Jensen-knows’, Jensen was holding one of his bicep tightly and his one hand was on his waist both these gestures reminded Jared of what Jensen had said last night – Jensen didn’t like that Jared has lost weight.
Jared lifted his eyes and looked at Jensen, what he saw was not the guy that Jared married, what he saw was a guy who was working so hard to make things right for Jared, a guy who had forgotten all his sorrows because his husband was unhappy, a guy who kept on encouraging so that Jared would not lose heart.
Something snapped inside Jared.
What was he doing? And to whom?
He needs to love the family he already has, yes he needs a baby but he can’t lose Jensen in the whole process.
When was the last time he made Jensen feel good, instead it has been going the other way only, since the whole adoption process began.
He needs to take care of the love of his life, his house, himself.
“I am sorry…” Jared muttered.
“Babe please don’t apologize, I told you none of this is your fa…”
“No… I am sorry because I stopped taking care of myself and I know how much you hate seeing me like this. Just promise me you won’t hate me or… or leave me because I am such a mess.”
“What! No Jared no I would… I could never leave you. Not today not in a million years. Babe you can’t think like that. Please don’t think like that.”
Jared lifted himself up. He looked Jensen directly in the eye, “Fuck me.”
“Jared. Babe you are not thinking straight… I…”
“Fuck me. Hard. I don’t want to feel anything in this world Jensen, not anything except you. Fuck me. I need it, I need you.”
“Jare…”
Jared had launched himself on Jensen. His lips might have gotten bruised but he didn’t care. He kept on kissing Jensen. He bought both of Jensen’s hand on his waist, holding them there he kept kissing him, biting him.
Jensen must have felt his need. He was good at reading Jared, he has been doing it for the last 6 years.
He took control. He was on top pressing Jared into the cushions, he left Jared’s lips alone, he didn’t want them to bleed, he proceeded to the neck and marked Jared till he crooned underneath him.
“Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me…”
Jensen had Jared’s left nipple in his mouth, he kissed it, nipped at it and left it alone when the pink nub was bloody red.
Jared was arching towards Jensen, submitting his every fear, every defeat to his love, his savior.
Jensen lifted Jared’s other half and removed his mud clad clothes with one swift moment.
Jared’s bloated and purple cock breathed and Jensen gave it a nice hard stroke, “Ahhh god… Jensen please please… GOD!”
His legs were drawn towards his shoulders to let Jensen have a view of his pink pretty hole.
“You got any lube on you…” Jensen’s fingers were circumferencing Jared’s hole and his voice was rough and commanding when he asked that, it went straight to Jared’s dick. He was thrashing in desire and need by now.
“In the bedroom up… upstairs.”
“Then I guess we”ll have to go natural.”
Jensen spit on Jared’s hole and Jared bucked up. Jensen never went this caveman.
Six years of relationship and 5 years of marriage and Jensen still found ways to make Jared go crazy. It was hot as hell, scorching as sin and boiling with bliss.
Two fingers entered and did a great job at making Jared forget everything but himself.
Three fingers entered and did an even greater job at making Jared forget everything including himself.
Jared was burning with desire, he wanted, needed, his lover.
Jensen spit some more on his cock and Jared would just come already if his husband would not hurry up.
When Jensen entered Jared, he was all thick and big, Jared was already on edge ready to jump and reach the precipice.
It was rough, it was raw, it was rare, it was RED!
“Fuck Jensen… please I need to, oh god!”
“Yeah, you gonna come for me, baby… shout my name and then paint the sofa with your come?”
“Jensen… Jen please…. PLEASE!!!”
“Come on Jared shout it… let the world know”
“Jensen.. I want I wanna I’m gonna… please. OH GOD!!!”
“Come on… you are gonna come on my dick… come on. Cum!”
Jared squirted and painted the couch white. His eyes shut tight, his teeth clenched and his mind shut down for the first time in so many days; he felt the peace that had alluded from him for some time now.
Jensen came moments later shouting Jared’s name.
They both lied there on the sofa, on each other, satiated.
After ten minutes Jensen got up, carried Jared to their bedroom, in his arms and laid him down, cleaned him up, picked up stray piece of Jared’s chocolate brown hair and slowly tucked it behind his ears so delicately and carefully as if it was a secret.
He kissed him the cheek and whispered to Jared, “You okay babe, I’m gonna order some food.”
Jared tried to resist, he could cook something, Jensen hated outside food and especially two times in a row, no, Jared would whip something up quickly.
Jensen leaned him on the bed again, “Shut up and sleep big guy, let me take care of everything.”
Jared did that.
When he woke up he found about 50 boxes of Chinese takeout boxes on the center table and among them on the floor, his husband, surrounded by food and application forms of adoption agency. His glasses riding low on his nose, every freckle visible in the evening sun pouring from the window, his hair still messed up from the sofa sex they had and a pen between his perfect teeth.
“I know you’ll take care of everything...” Jared whispered to himself before going towards his husband.