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It comes as an unpleasant surprise.
See, Ellie doesn’t really look at Joel like a man. Not that she even looks at other men that way- not her thing.
Still, he’s just Joel. He’s old, he has a scratchy beard and big rough hands. He’s huge, big shoulders and long legs and thick arms. It makes her feel safe, and also helps when she needs to reach something on a high shelf.
But… that’s it.
It’s weird, the first time she realizes that he’s a man and other people see him that way.
She’s in line for lunch at the dining hall, eagerly awaiting the build-your-own salad station they’ve set up. Joel always calls her a little rabbit because of how much she loves salad.
It’s hard to explain that veggies feel safer to eat than meat after Silver Lake. She thinks he understands without her needing to spell it out though. His teasing is always affectionate.
There is a group of girls in front of her, a little older, maybe eighteen or nineteen. Ellie recognizes one of them as the daughter of their neighbor Mrs. King. Joel had been over to their house yesterday to fix a broken step on their staircase.
“…and he wore this tight black t-shirt!” The girl, Ellie thinks her name is Brenda, is gushing to her friends.
Ellie blinks, figuring she’s talking about another boy in town. A boy who is actually the same age as her.
But then, one of her friends giggles and says, “I wish my mom would invite him over to fix something. I could just sit there and watch him sweat all day.”
Ellie’s forehead wrinkles with equal parts disbelief and disgust. There’s no way they’re talking about Joel.
"Hey shut up,” the third girl whispers, “his daughter is like two people behind us.” Her eyes dart over to Ellie and back to her friends, who also look over at her quickly.
“I heard she’s adopted or something, she’s not his real daughter.” Brenda murmurs, obviously not aware that Ellie is very much in earshot. “She’s so lucky. What I wouldn’t give to live in the same house as a man like that.”
“Ew she’s like twelve,” says the other girl.
Fifteen, Ellie thinks defiantly.
“I didn’t mean it like that ! Besides, when I was twelve I still had eyes. Must be nice to have eye candy just outside your bedroom door every night. I wonder how she found him. Like, is there a sexy daddy store somewhere in Boston that we need to visit?”
The girls all giggle amongst themselves, seeming oblivious to the fact that Ellie has suddenly whirled on her heel and begun pushing out of the line. She can’t hear any more of this.
Appetite dissipated, Ellie rushes past a few familiar faces to get to the doors of the dining hall. Her heart is thundering against her chest, throat tight and forehead slick with sweat.
She’s supposed to rejoin the other kids for the rest of the school day in half an hour. So not happening.
Her skin feels weird and prickly all over, her stomach twisted up inside of her.
Those awful few months on the road after she got out of Silver Lake, Ellie had to sort through a lot of complex feelings.
She’d narrowly escaped a horrific, life-altering attack. She’d been brought to extreme violence, permanently changing who she is as a person.
Joel was the only person she’d had. The only one to help care for her injuries, to comfort her after the night terrors that never seemed to abate, to try and talk to when the fear got so overwhelming she thought she’d suffocate.
David had made her uncomfortable from the start, his intentions clearly not altruistic even though they didn’t meet too dissimilarly to Joel and she. He already had ideas coursing through his mind that Joel would never even think of.
It wasn’t exactly easy, having another grown man with no biological relation to her being the only person there after she was violated by a grown man with no relation to her. But Joel is… he’s never made her feel that way. She trusts him with her life. If she’s being honest with herself, she truly does see him as a father.
She’s not his real daughter
Ellie remembers David’s eager tone when he promised to keep her there. To teach her.
I’ve decided you do need a father
Ellie stops short, her legs threatening to give out as she tries to suck in a desperate breath. Where the hell is she even going?
She’d been heading in the direction of their street, hopeful for the comfort of what she’s begun to call home. But that would mean going past the new row of houses that Joel and Tommy are building.
If he sees her ditching school, he will worry and fret and try to talk to her.
Ellie is afraid she can’t even look at him right now.
Must be nice to have eye candy just outside your bedroom door every night
Her stomach turns. Is that really what the people of Jackson think about her? About them?
Okay. So she can’t go home, she can’t go back to school. Jackson is a walled-in community, not exactly open range to go have an irrational meltdown over some stupid teenagers.
Before she can consciously decide to, she’s standing outside the council building. It’s a small structure, repurposed from some old business she can’t remember the name of. She’s never actually been inside- it’s usually reserved for council members only.
Ellie’s never been what one would call obedient.
She shoves through the front doors into a large lobby, surprised by how casual the interior of the council building looks. There are a few tables set up in a circular formation, loose paperwork strewn about and mugs of hot liquid with steam billowing up. She recognizes a few familiar faces, who all look over in surprise at her hasty entrance.
“Ellie?” Maria gets up from her spot behind the table, one hand on her rounded belly as she begins moving toward the girl. “What’s happened?”
Ellie figures she probably looks insane. Bursting in here with no explanation, visibly frantic. Surely she’s alarmed Maria, who must think something went wrong with Tommy or that there’s some kind of emergency.
In reality, Ellie just had nowhere else to fucking go.
“I….” She falters, suddenly feeling like an idiot of massive proportions. “I um….”
Maria’s gaze softens, and she says to one of her fellow council members, “I’ll be back in a while.”
Then, she ushers Ellie out through the back door. Ellie follows her lead numbly, humiliated at her show of weakness and ineloquence.
Ellie doesn’t pay much attention to where she’s being taken, until she’s being sat down on a wooden bench. She realizes Maria has walked her to one of the small grassy parks across from the cemetery.
“Is there an emergency?” Is the first thing she asks, voice calm and even.
“No,” says Ellie.
“Okay.” Maria nods. “What can I do for you then, Ellie?”
Ellie shifts awkwardly on the bench. The two of them haven’t had much alone time since Joel and she got here. She’s grateful to the other woman, for taking them in and giving them this life, and she seems to make Tommy really happy, which makes Joel really happy. All of that is good.
But sometimes Maria’s gaze is a little too penetrative. Joel has told her that Maria was a lawyer which he describes as “ people who got paid to lie” so she doesn’t exactly love chatting with her. There’s something harsh and leaderlike about her that sets Ellie on edge.
Leaders make her uneasy. David was a leader. He had a following.
Maria does too, and even though Joel assures her this place is safe, it’s not like Silver Lake or Kansas City, it’s hard to trust when you’ve been given every reason not to.
But today, Maria isn’t all of those things. Today, she’s a woman, pregnant belly and all. And Ellie feels safe sitting next to her.
“I just… needed to get away.” Ellie manages a stilted explanation. “Some girls in the dining hall made some comments about Joel and I got…uncomfortable.”
Maria’s eyebrow quirks. “Comments?”
“Ugh.” Ellie shudders. “Just talking about how they think he’s… . hot and stuff.”
She could die. Like really and truly die from how unbearably awkward this conversation is.
“Oh.” There’s a slight glint of amusement in Maria’s eyes that Ellie wishes she couldn’t decipher. “I see.”
“You don’t .” Ellie’s voice is hard. “He’s Joel. They can’t- they shouldn’t- it’s not right to talk about him like that.”
“I know it’s a little awkward when someone finds your…” she seems unsure of what to call Joel, “ caregiver attractive. But it’s harmless Ellie. Don’t let it bother you.”
Ugh. Ellie should have known better than to come to Maria for this. She obviously doesn’t understand, couldn’t understand.
“Is there a reason it made you so upset?” Maria asks, voice a touch gentler now as she looks over at Ellie’s furtive expression.
I’ve decided you do need a father
Is there a sexy daddy store somewhere in Boston that we need to visit?
I’m gonna keep you… and I’m gonna teach you
She’s not his real daughter
“Ellie? Ellie, it’s okay sweetheart. Calm down.”
Ellie realizes then that her breaths are coming in rapid, short bursts, dangerously close to hyperventilating. She forces herself to inhale slowly, pushing the air through pursed lips when she’s done. It’s something Joel taught her after Silver Lake, something he had to do himself occasionally. He’d learned it before the outbreak as a countermeasure to anxiety. He struggled too.
He’d told her a lot in those mostly quiet weeks, where he did all the talking. He couldn’t shut up, really. In a weird way, him opening up about himself made it easier to feel better about her own shit. At least she wasn’t the only damaged one.
“S-sorry,” Ellie manages.
Maria’s hand comes out hesitantly, and she gently lays it on Ellie’s arm. The movement is light and tentative, but Ellie doesn’t push her off. Without Joel here for comfort, it’s a poor substitute, but it is nice to be comforted.
“I’m sorry to have made light.” Maria says softly. “Obviously this is something very serious to you. I didn’t mean to dismiss it.”
Ah fuck. Maybe sometimes Ellie is too hard on this lady.
“Something happened to me on the road,” she’s surprised when the words spill out of her lips.
Maria’s reply is careful and intentional. “ Something as in…”
“A- a man tried to do something to me.” Ellie practically spits the words out, hoping no further explanation is needed.
The lack of response is enough to make Ellie turn her head and look at the other woman. Her face is pensive, a frown twisting up her forehead and her lips drawn tightly together. She’s studying Ellie like she wants to reach into her brain and pull out the rest of this story with pliers.
Then, in a completely surprising turn, Maria says, “a man did something to me too.”
Ellie eyes her warily, unsure of how to react.
Luckily, Maria speaks for her. “I was seventeen. This was pre outbreak of course, it was after prom.”
“What’s prom?”
“Ah. Right. It was this big dance the high schoolers had before they left for college. A last hurrah.”
“That’s… weird?” Ellie notes. The before outbreak times are so fucking bizarre to her.
Yet, in a way, it’s a little reassuring to know that men like David existed before cordyceps. As disgusting as it is… at least her failure to make a vaccine didn’t doom the world with that particular trait.
“I suppose it seems so now.” Maria nods thoughtfully. “It was my friend’s dad. She brought me back to her house after the dance, we were both drunk. She passed out on the couch and he came into her room to find me.”
Maria’s jaw makes a clicking noise, and one of her hands comes around to cradle her round middle, as if trying to shield the baby inside from the memories she’s recounting.
“You don’t have to…” Ellie grimaces. “I understand.”
“See, there was always something off about him.” Maria continues as if Ellie hadn’t even spoken. “A bad feeling he gave me in my stomach. He was perfectly nice of course but… something inside of me felt wrong around him. I could never explain it until that moment. Do you know what that’s called, Ellie?”
She shakes her head. No.
“Intuition.” Maria says. “Some call it a gut feeling. All of us have it, but women, I feel, have it more deeply.”
“I had that, about the man who tried to…” Ellie swallows thickly. “I didn’t trust him from the start. He made me feel weird.”
“You were wise not to trust him. You listened to your intuition, and that’s hard for a lot of us, even as adults.”
“Thanks I guess.” Ellie frowns. “So what happened? After your friend’s dad um… did that?”
Maria blows her breath out slowly. “I was afraid to tell anyone. He said things to me that made me feel so weak, so vulnerable and scared. My mom passed away when I was just a little girl. It was only my dad and me.”
Well shit, Ellie can relate to that.
“Eventually, my father found out.” Maria’s eyes grow wistful when she mentions this. “A few weeks after, he took my arm, it was something he did all the time. But it-“ she sighs regretfully, “it reminded me of that night. And I freaked out. Once he calmed me down, I told him what had happened.”
Ellie leans in slightly, feeling her chest wrench with sympathy for the woman. “What happened then?”
“Back then, we used to prosecute these things. They were crimes, which means we’d try to put someone in jail for it. But…” her shoulders sag. “There was no proof. “
“But… it happened to you.” Ellie’s tone is confused.
“That wasn’t enough.”
“So he just got away with it?” She demands, suddenly filled with rage on behalf of the woman beside her.
Fuck, David had been a nightmare but at least she got vengeance on him.
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” Maria smiles wanly. “After my father first found out, it pretty much took everything in me to hold him back from going over there with a shotgun. When the traditional justice didn’t suffice…” Maria trails off, looking at Ellie with an expectant expression.
“He shot him?”
Laughing quietly, she shakes her head. “No, no of course not. But two days after we found out he wasn’t going to be prosecuted, he ended up in the hospital, beaten so badly he lost sight in one of his eyes permanently. He had no memory of the attack. They never found out who did it.”
Ellie feels struck in that moment by how easily she envisions Joel doing the same thing. She finds herself feeling connected to this man, the father Maria describes, feeling like she knows him. Knows his rage, his hurt, his ferocity when it comes to his daughter’s safety. She knows because she’s lived it with Joel.
Intense and violent as it can be at times, a father’s love is truly one of the most powerful things on earth.
“His wife and daughter both left him, which I was grateful for for their safety. But, he never served time. That’s when I decided to become a lawyer,” Maria continues. “Not enough justice in the world. I wanted to help.”
“That’s… pretty cool,” Ellie admits. For the first time, she sees Maria in a different light. A fighter, a survivor, someone who feels a desperate compulsion to help others. Not too different from herself.
“Thank you.” Maria exhales and wipes quickly at her eyes, dispelling tears that Ellie hadn’t even noticed. “Anyway, Ellie, the reason I’m telling you this is because I want you to remember what I said about intuition.”
“The gut feeling?”
“That’s right. What did your gut feel when you met Joel?”
Ellie considers this, remembering the rampant playlist of thoughts that had jumbled her mind when she first encountered the angry smuggler she now shares a life with.
This guy’s a dick.
Zero sense of humor.
Who the hell wears a broken watch?
Wow, he actually loves Tess, doesn’t he?
Shit- he just saved my life.
He’s so strong, he’s brave as fuck.
I’m safe. Joel is protecting me. I’m safe.
“I never… had that feeling,” Ellie admits. “Never. Ever.”
“Trust your intuition, Ellie. I think it’s very good.” Maria reaches over and brushes a piece of hair behind Ellie’s ear. It’s an intimate action that she’d normally growl at anyone besides Joel for doing, but right now it’s actually quite nice. “And I think you might want to talk to Joel about this.”
Ellie pulls away instantly. Zero fucking chance she ever brings this up to him.
“I know it seems awkward, but you can’t be thrown this hard anytime someone looks at him like that. What if he wants to date?”
Blinking rapidly, Ellie’s chest is suddenly filled with anxiety. Joel dating? Not something that’s going to happen.
… right?
“He’s a grown, single man.” Maria explains. “He might want to find a partner someday. And that partner might kiss him, hug him, be warm and affectionate with him in front of you. That’s normal and okay. But if you can’t separate these feelings from that…” she shakes her head, “well, Ellie it’s not healthy.”
Ellie wrinkles her nose at the thought of anyone kissing Joel. Absolutely fucking yuck. She sort of wants to strangle Maria right now.
“Can we go back to the womanly bonding?” Ellie mutters. “You’re being annoying now.”
Maria is a good sport about Ellie’s rudeness. “I get it. But despite my reservations about Joel initially, he is a good man. I can see how much you both love one another. He would want to know if something was bothering you.”
“There’s nothing he can do about it.” She shakes her head. “D-the guy who tried to do that to me… he ruined me in a lot of ways. I’m different now. I just don’t want to ever think of Joel in that way. I don’t want him to be a man I just want him to be-“ she stops short, suddenly embarrassed.
“Your dad?” Maria supplies.
Ellie nods weakly. “If he’s just my dad, I know he won’t…” she can’t find it in her to finish the thought.
“Oh, honey.” Maria opens her arms, and Ellie finds herself scooching closer to accept a hug. She smells like lavender and blueberry muffins. Her arms are warm, her body soft and warm against Ellie’s skinny frame. Her hand strokes between Ellie’s shoulder blades in a comforting manner.
It touches something inside Ellie’s chest that she doesn’t remember ever feeling. A hug from a mom.
For a moment, she allows the comfort and safety of this embrace to wash over her and soothe her of her frantic worries. Nothing can touch her in Maria’s protective arms.
Then, the asshole pulls them apart and looks Ellie right in the eye. “Talk to Joel. I promise it will make you feel better.”
Ellie scowls. “Fine. Whatever.”
Maria squeezes her arms and smiles. “Good girl. Thank you for trusting me with this conversation. That means a lot. I know it isn’t easy to talk about.”
Uggggghhhh why does she have to be so annoyingly nice at the same time as infuriating?
“Thank you . I feel a little better. Knowing I’m not the only one.”
“Oh Ellie. I promise, you are not alone. I think you’ll find that most women understand this.”
“That… fucking sucks.”
“Yeah, it does. But at least we can face it together.” Maria nods once. “Are you going to be okay?”
"Yeah, yeah I’m good. Thanks again.”
“I’m always here.” Maria moves to stand, clearly struggling with her cumbersome middle.
Reflexively, Ellie takes her arm and helps her to her feet. Maria smiles gratefully at her.
They go their separate ways then, Maria heading back to the council building, and Ellie finally accepting that she needs to go home.
Unsurprisingly, when she trudges by the lines of construction, he sees her even from his post on the half-built roof of a two story house.
“Ellie?!” Joel calls down to her.
She debates breaking into a sprint, but she figures he’ll just try to jump down after her and then they’ll have an injured old man to contend with.
Ellie pauses, offering him a nonchalant wave. She hopes he’ll just give one back and leave her to walk back alone.
Right. That would be classic Joel.
Wordlessly, he moves toward the ladder propped up beside the roof, and she resists the urge to groan. Tommy, who is now bracing the ladder as his brother climbs down, looks over at her with a worried expression.
God. Could everyone just chill the fuck out? It was a small mental breakdown over some meaningless comments. No biggie.
She lets him approach urgently and fuss over her for a moment before he obviously sees no visible injuries. Then, he reaches out to touch her arm, and she unintentionally flinches back.
They both look surprised by the action.
His hand pulls away, cautious and tentative as he asks, “Ellie? Talk to me.”
Obviously he can tell something’s wrong. Stupid perceptive old man.
Must be nice to have eye candy just outside your bedroom door every night.
Ellie resists the urge to gag.
She forces herself to look up at him, taking in the familiar man before her. He’s massive, tall and broad-shouldered. His skin is tanned from working outside, lines of wrinkles around his eyes and forehead more visible with his darker complexion. He’s not wearing a hard hat, which she knows he’s supposed to be when he’s up on the roof. But he’s always had a pretty reckless disregard for his own safety. The salt-and-pepper swoosh of hair on his head is disheveled, and his expression is so worried she feels immeasurably guilty for the flinch.
Ellie feels a lot of things when she looks at him. Safe, warm, annoyed at times, happy, content, loved. Never afraid. He doesn’t scare her.
So why did she just flinch away from him?
She’s not his real daughter.
“Ellie?” Joel repeats, slightly more urgent this time.
“Maria says we have to talk.” Ellie could slap herself for her idiotic choice of words.
Joel’s shoulders stiffen, his jaw sets, his eyes narrow. “What? When did you see Maria? Talk about what?”
The back of her neck feels sweaty, and she can’t help but remember those giggling girls in the dining hall.
What I wouldn’t give to live in the same house as a man like that.
She only catches the tail end of whatever Joel says next, because her ears are fuzzy and her vision is sort of whiting out.
“…my! I have to go. Yeah, Ellie ain’t feelin’ too hot. I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Thanks.”
Then, his hand is on her upper back and she’s being guided in the other direction.
She doesn’t pay much attention as they walk, trusting him to keep her safe. This is one thing she’s always loved about having Joel around. Sometimes it feels like she can turn off her brain and let him steer for them both.
The next thing she knows, she’s sitting on the couch in their living room. She tucks her knees up to her chest and rests her chin on them, wrapping her arms around herself to try and feel smaller, less obtrusive. Maybe if she shrinks herself enough she’ll disappear and they won’t have to have this conversation.
“Ellie, breathe.” Joel’s voice is beside her, soothing tones and calm words like the gentle tide of ocean foam. In his gravely drawl, everything seems so simple. Such an easy thing to do, breathing.
She inhales, her vision clearing up enough that she can see him sitting beside her on the couch, though he’s left a respectful amount of distance between the two of them. A stark contrast to the way they’ve been lately, half the nights ending up with her asleep on his lap at the end of a movie.
“I’m gonna need you to give me something here in the next few minutes,” Joel murmurs, “or else my old heart’s gonna give out from worry.”
“I-I’m fine,” she stammers.
“Clearly.” His expression is neutral. “What is it that Maria wants us to talk about?”
Ellie stiffens a little at his displeased tone. She knows Maria and Joel have never seen eye to eye, and are still tense with one another. But he’s been pretty nice to her lately, Ellie suspects because of his soft spot for loved ones. She’s married to his brother and carrying his niece or nephew, so he’s hard-pressed to be too much of a dick.
Still, he clearly doesn’t like that she talked to Ellie without him there.
“Are you going to date anyone?” Ellie finds herself asking. This is so fucking awkward and she doesn’t want to do it, but maybe if he just says no then she can move on with this and ignore Maria’s stupid suggestions that she might have to get comfortable with him being a man and not just her dad.
Joel blinks twice, visibly confused. “I beg your pardon?”
“Let’s not get into it too much,” Ellie suggests, “just yes or no, are you going to date anyone?”
Apparently he is not content to not get into it. “Ellie, what the hell? You skip out on school and come to me looking like you’ve seen a ghost, now you’re asking about my love life?”
She blanches. “You have a love life?"
This can’t be happening. She needs him to just be Joel . He needs to just build stuff and do wood carvings and make her dinner and tell her jokes and hug her at night and stay by her side and never want anything the way David wanted it.
God. She’s so fucking selfish.
Joel scrubs a hand across his wiry facial hair. “That’s really none of your business, kid.”
What the fuck? What is that supposed to mean?
She suddenly has a horrible thought. The way Brenda was gushing about him today… how much she seemed to like him. He’d been at her house, was her mom even there?
Did Joel and Brenda-
Stop it , says the tiny part of her brain that’s not batshit crazy. Joel is not like that. He would never.
He’s not like that with me but what if-
“Ellie, darlin’ you’re startin’ to get me real worried over here.” Joel’s voice cuts through her tense thoughts.
She doesn’t consider her words before she speaks.
“Did you have sex with Brenda King?”
His face does a fun little dance after she says that. It starts off blatantly confused, as if he isn’t processing what the words mean. Then, it shifts to utterly disgusted. And finally, he seems to land on a complicated mixture of puzzlement, horror, and concern.
"Ellie, ” he manages, “why the hell would you ever think that?”
“That’s not a no!” She exclaims.
“Of course it’s a no! ” His voice is a little louder than she’d like, veering toward a yell. “She’s a fucking kid! Ellie why on earth would you even-“
His sentence cuts off, lips falling slack like he’s just had a thought. He eyes her warily for a moment.
“Ellie,” he repeats in a more calm tone, “ where would you even get an idea like that?”
“It doesn’t matter,” she insists, “I just needed to know. You…you promise there’s nothing going on between you two?”
“Jesus Christ Ellie. She’s a child-“
“She’s eighteen!”
“Yes, a child! ” Joel grimaces. “I went to her mother’s house to fix a step. That is all. I can’t believe you think I would ever, ever do something like that.”
Now, she notices hurt on his face. She’s hurt him, she realizes, by even implying that he would do something like David did.
She hadn’t meant it like that. She knows he’s not a monster. But… her brain feels real fucked up right now.
“Brenda and her friends were talking about how they think you’re-“ she winces, unable to get the word sexy out. “About how they like the way you look. About how I’m… lucky to have eye candy in the h-house.”
As she recounts their words, Ellie feels her hands trembling. She’s so afraid all of a sudden, of telling him this. Of opening this door that she hoped would stay closed forever. Of acknowledging the fact that he’s just a random grown man, and she’s a random teenage girl, and they live together.
It’s never felt like a thing before, but now for some reason, it does.
Joel’s expression is twisted up with disgust when she looks back at him. She’s never seen him so unsettled before, so disturbed. There’s a quiet anger behind his eyes, but she’s not sure who exactly it’s directed at.
“That was a pretty foul thing for her to say.” He finally speaks after an insufferably long silence.
“They said since I’m not your real daughter, that-“
Joel stops her with one soft palm raised. It’s not an order, but a plea. He’s asking her for his own well-being not to finish that sentence.
“Well, I guess you get the gist.” Ellie mutters dejectedly.
He’s gone quiet again, and her skin feels all prickly. Has she made him uncomfortable now? Is he worried that she actually thinks of him the way those girls do?
“For the record I don’t… I don’t look at you that way ,” she forces the words out, desperate to fill this silence. “I didn’t realize anyone did until-“
“They said these things to your face?” He cuts her off, the quiet anger behind his eyes growing more fiery with each word.
“No, no I don’t think they knew I could hear. I…had to leave before they kept going.”
Joel nods once, the movement stern and utilitarian. When he speaks again, his voice is all business.
“Ellie, I need to know. Are you afraid that I’m going to do something to hurt you? The way…David did? Please tell the truth. I won’t be upset.”
That last part is a lie she knows he’s telling for her benefit.
“No,” she replies. She does mean it.
“That ain’t very convincing,” he says with another grimace. The way his body is all tensed up, it’s as if this conversation is physically painful for him.
“I trust you,” Ellie insists.
“But you thought that I would have… done that to Brenda.”
Okay, he’s got her there.
“She is… technically an adult.” Ellie attempts weakly.
“No.” Joel’s voice leaves no room for argument. “That means nothing, Ellie, and if anyone ever tells you otherwise, you run the other way. She is a child, a teenager. She’s less than half my age. I would never- “ he shudders visibly, “with anyone. Not Brenda. Not anyone.”
His unsaid words are pretty clear, even though he refrains from voicing them.
Not you.
“Okay, I got it.” Ellie wants to assuage the discomfort and pain on his face.
“Ellie, I don’t want to cross any lines here.” Joel exhales noisily, rubbing his chin before he continues, “but I need you to understand. I see you as my child. I’m sorry if you’re not okay with that. And if not, we can… talk about what that means. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. But please just know if nothing else, I would never do anything to hurt you. Even if I didn’t see you as my daughter, I would never do that.”
“I know that.” Her tone is a bit more defensive than she intends. She feels guilty that he even thinks he needs to explain himself to her. He doesn’t. She trusts him.
“Okay, well I’m saying it anyway. I don’t want you thinking I’m the kind of man who would do these things. To you or anyone else.”
God. She’s so fucking awful. Joel is the polar opposite of a man like David.
He isn’t mad at her for her concerns, he isn’t trying to lie or manipulate her into trusting him. He is just telling her the truth, even though logically she already knows it.
If Joel wanted to do something sinister with her, he’d had nearly a year alone on the road to do it. It isn’t going to start happening now.
She honestly wasn’t ever worried about it. Her intuition was right about him from the start.
“I’m sorry,” Ellie begins.
“No, kiddo you don’t have to be s-“
“Yes, I do. You’ve done nothing but prove yourself to me. You’ve looked out for me in ways no one else would ever care to. And I got mixed up and fuzzy today because of these stupid teenage girls with a crush and I just…” she scrambles for the right words. “I just got afraid that acknowledging these things would mess something up here. I feel like I’m your kid too. I want it to be that way. But it’s like they said. I’m not your real daughter.”
“Yes you are.” His reply is immediate. “There are lots of different ways to have a family, Ellie. Blood isn’t the only binder.”
Ellie sighs, nodding shakily. “Okay. Fine. I think it was just hard for me because I always look at you like my dad and not like… like a man. Someone who wants things the way that David wanted them… does that make any sense?”
Joel considers her words thoughtfully. “I see where you’re coming from. You’ve been through a lot, kiddo. And at your age… Everything is pretty confusing. I promise you that even though I am a man, I will never want things the way that he did. He was a monster. The things he wanted and the things I want won’t ever intersect.”
“You don’t… want women?” She asks, tone a little disbelieving.
Joel sits up straighter at that. “He didn’t want women, Ellie. He wanted a child.”
Oh.
Well, he has a fucking point, doesn’t he?
“And the way he wanted it…” Joel continues, though clearly he doesn’t love talking about this, “was violent and perverse. I… well, I’m not like that, okay? I would never treat a woman that way.”
I’m not a rapist, he is saying, and more specifically, I’m not a child rapist.
She hates herself for making him feel like he has to defend himself against an accusation he’s done nothing to earn. Logically, she knows all of this already.
Sometimes logic can get lost in emotion.
“I-I’m sorry,” Ellie’s voice is weak, bordering on a cry. She feels like such an idiot. Such a selfish asshole.
If Joel wants it, he deserves to find love or even lust in a woman. (Disgusting.) It’s like Maria said. He is a grown man. Just because something bad happened to Ellie with another grown man doesn’t mean Joel doesn’t get to live his life. That’s the whole point of being here in Jackson. Normalcy.
“If you want to date someone, like an adult someone I… that’s okay. Not that you need my permission, obviously that’s stupid. I just mean- I- I won’t be weird about it. I promise.” She scrambles the words out like they’ll get stuck if she doesn’t hurry.
“Darlin’ you don’t even have to think about that. I ain’t interested in dating anyone.”
“But, with Tess-“
“Babygirl, please listen. I have my kid, I have my brother, I’ll have a niece or nephew soon. We’re safe. Life is…” Joel breathes out slowly. “Life is good , for the first time in a long time. I’m satisfied. Okay?”
“But Joel, if you-“
“Ellie.” He reaches out and brushes that stubborn piece of hair behind her ear. His touch is tender and familiar, safe and comforting in every way. “Just take a deep breath. If I want to date someone, I’ll make sure to go right ahead and do it. I’m just trying to tell you that right now, I’m good with what I got. Can you quit buttin’ heads with me for a second and roll with that?”
She’s nodding before he even finishes his little speech. “Okay. Yeah. Alright, Joel.”
He gives her arm a squeeze before releasing her and leaning back against the cushions. Absently, she moves closer and rests her head on his shoulder. He doesn’t say anything, but she can tell he’s relieved that she still feels safe enough to do this by the way his body relaxes.
“I’m sorry those girls upset you so much,” Joel says after a brief silence.
“I’m sorry I made it a big deal.” Ellie replies.
“Don’t be. I remember one time one of Sarah’s school friends called me a… what was the word? DILF? She didn’t talk to me for a week. Like it was my fault. Took days of needling to get her to even explain what it meant.”
Ellie feels a slight relief at the way he still easily mentions Sarah. It took them a long time to get to a place where he could. She’s glad they haven’t lost any progress after today. And any kinship she feels with his first daughter makes her feel warm inside, though she can’t explain exactly why.
“What’s a DILF?” She asks.
“Oh. It’s-“ he sighs, “nevermind. Anyway, point is, they’re just being silly kids. And they’re wrong anyway."
“About you being good looking? I know,” she snorts, “their eyes must be broken.”
“Must be,” he agrees easily, “but I wasn’t talkin’ about that.”
“I know,” she whispers. “You know that… I feel like you’re my real dad, right?”
His mouth twitches in the faintest hint of a smile. “Yeah?”
“Yeah dude. Not like I’ve ever had one to compare it to but… well, I’m pretty sure this is what having a dad feels like.”
Joel throws his arm around her and presses her tightly against his side. She feels a quick kiss to the crown of her head that he tries to play off by reaching behind her for the remote.
“What do ya say kiddo? Stay in for dinner tonight and watch dinosaur movies?” He suggests.
Her heart aches at how well he knows her.
“Sounds fucking superb,” she says.
Joel smiles again, and she drinks in the sight. On the road, it was so rare that he looked happy the way he does these days. Even when she makes his life hell, he seems to be giddy like a school kid most of the time.
He doesn’t say it in explicit terms, but she feels like she might be a part of that.
That feels pretty fucking amazing.
The love of a father, untarnished by the ways of sickening men, or fear of the evil the world has to offer. Something she never thought she’d get to have, is now in the palm of her hand, talking her through breakdowns and watching dinosaur movies with her.
Those girls must be wrong. If she weren’t his real daughter, he’d never sit through The Land Before Time as often as he does.
They settle into the couch, both cuddled up and watching the movie. He usually talks through all the good parts, but today he’s peacefully quiet. She can feel the glances he keeps sparing her way, like he’s checking on her.
It’s nice to be reminded how much he cares. That her feelings matter to him as much as her safety.
And she trusts him. Always will. Yes, he is a man. A violent, angry, sort of deranged man in the same ways that she is all of those things.
But he is a man who loves, and that is something she can count on to always keep her safe.
Even when she turns to him halfway through the movie and asks a question that leaves him looking quite panicked.
“No, seriously. What’s a DILF?”