Archive of Our Own

0.1

Beomgyu does not know why history always repeats itself. His story, to be exact.

About eight years ago, when he was fourteen, he was going through the same thing. High school had just started for him, and there was this guy who captured his heart for the next four years. It made his high school life a little crazy and depressing. He blames him for everything.

His name is Jeongin. It's unfair to blame Jeongin for anything. They meet in ninth grade when everyone is new and has to get used to school. Jeongin is so nice to him, and Beomgyu, the teenager that he is, falls in love with him before the end of the first year of school. Much too late, he gets confirmed by Soobin that Jeongin was also interested in him for a while. Beomgyu had known this, of course. He just did not do anything about it. He did not know how to do anything about it. And over time, Jeongin inevitably lost interest. Then, in eleventh grade, he goes out with Beomgyu's, as they say, bully. Then in twelfth grade, he dates someone else from their close friend group at the time, which Soobin was also a part of. Oh, I’m too late, he thinks. And he doesn’t do anything about that either, since he doesn’t have the right to do so after not even trying to get with Jeongin. He knows why he didn’t make a move, he knows it well, but it doesn't stop him from feeling bitter either.

And then there is Jimin in his first year of college. Though they never have a chance to meet in person, Beomgyu finds himself falling for him too easily after meeting online. Jimin is extremely kind to Beomgyu and their flirting is intense and constant. To top it off, Jimin even creates NSFW artwork of them, which makes Beomgyu feel shy. Although they flirt and have fun together, Jimin is emotionally unstable and often picks fights with Beomgyu, making him feel inadequate and like a failure. And one day, Beomgyu decides to give him three more chances. If he continues to feel like a loser three more times, he will have to cut off all contact with him, he has reached his limit with his friend's behavior and is willing to take drastic measures to protect his mental health. Yes, it does happen. He loses his best friend along with his feelings for him.

Beomgyu doesn’t know if it counts, but it happens again when he meets someone called Heeseung the same year. They get along well. They become extremely close friends, but then it just stops. Beomgyu doesn't know why, when, or how, he doesn’t remember much from twelfth grade. Right now he knows something though, he was too late. Heeseung was dating one of Jeongin’s ex-boyfriends last year after they stopped talking. The one he dated in eleventh grade. Small world, Beomgyu thinks. And right now he’s with a friend of Beomgyu and his from the same year. They also stopped talking. Beomgyu doesn’t talk to a lot of people anymore.

After two long years of radio silence, Jimin unexpectedly came back to apologize five months ago. Jimin expressed his desire to reconcile with Beomgyu but understands if Beomgyu would rather move on. Beomgyu admits that he shares the same desire, but is worried about the dynamics of their relationship. Jimin reassures him that their relationship can be restored to its former state, and Beomgyu accepts Jimin's apology and offer of reconciliation. Jimin uses his fourth chance cleverly.

A few weeks later, Jimin reveals to Beomgyu that he used to have a crush on him in the past, and Beomgyu spends that night crying. It's not because he has lingering feelings for him, but because he recognizes the potential they had together. He still thinks they would have made a great couple, even though Jimin acted poorly. But he was late, as always. Though he and Jimin are close again, he can let this one slide. Despite that, the song Bad Habit by Steve Lacy echoes in his head from time to time. He relates to it too much because of Jimin. He tells the others immediately when they reunite, and he slips up the information about his now-gone crush. They ship them. Beomgyu doesn’t care. Jimin and Beomgyu’s relationship is Platonic with a capital P. He thinks Jimin is one of the right people for him. One of his Platonic soulmates.

He has always been searching for the right people, whether a romantic partner or a Platonic friendship. That’s why he has a lot of ex-close friends. And also because life just goes on and the people surrounding him always change. He admits to not liking change but when Heraclitus’s words exist, he thinks he can bare with it. “Change is the only constant.” Change is inevitable. Beomgyu is dramatic. He’ll deal with it.

He had thought he found the right ones last year, but they were just too meek for his potential, he can’t explain what he means by this. He felt like a complete failure in their presence, just like how Jimin always made him feel. Furthermore, this time, because of his mental instability, he often ended up not talking to them for weeks every month or so. That’s also on top of ghosting them nonstop. In conclusion, all three of them and the secrets he told them were gone like how Yeonjun right now is gone from him.

Beomgyu has had a crush on Yeonjun since he first met him through Taehyun almost two years ago. From the second Yeonjun entered that room, Beomgyu had his mind set on him. It started as admiration because Yeonjun is objectively a perfect human being. In time his admiration turned into a crush, then he developed actual feelings — and now, one might say he’s in love with his hyung. But of course, he did fucking nothing about it. However, this time, he had valid reasons. He didn't take any action because around nine months ago when he and four other people grew close, Yeonjun entered a serious relationship with someone who Beomgyu was not acquainted with. Their relationship was nothing but toxic and abusive. They kept breaking up and then getting back together the very next day. This went on for about eight months and during this, Beomgyu didn’t want to get between them. But they eventually broke up, and considering their relationship, the real breakup wasn't the most shocking thing.

The most shocking thing wasn’t even the fact that during this whole time, Soobin and Yeonjun would not stop flirting. Beomgyu has frequently witnessed Yeonjun being affectionate and playful with Kai and Taehyun. Beomgyu himself has kissed and cuddled with Yeonjun and held his hands in addition to planting kisses on his cheeks and neck. But he never noticed him doing it with Soobin this much. 

And oh, the most shocking thing was the fact that Soobin and Yeonjun started going out the day Yeonjun broke up with his boyfriend. It's worth noting that Soobin was previously involved in a "situationship" with an individual a few years older than them. The plan was for it to develop into a serious relationship. However, it ended abruptly on the same day. Completely out of nowhere.

Weird, Beomgyu had thought after he sat down on the picnic table where the other four were already seated, looking at Yeonjun with his arm around Soobin's shoulders and the proximity between them.

And when they both announced their break-offs, it all clicked. 

Ah, Beomgyu thought sentimentally I am too late again. Heather by Conan Gray was heard from his laptop that night. He relates to that song too, as cringy as it is.

He decides to let history repeat itself once again. He accepts it as his fate now.

0.2

He was doing pretty well, actually. He didn’t let his jealousy show, he didn’t cry about it, and he didn’t tell anyone about it. It was starting to look like this whole thing was going to pass without any complications. 

But complications and Beomgyu make a great couple, better than Jimin and him, the universe thinks mischievously. The said complications showed themselves during a library study session when Soobin decided to switch seats just so he could sit next to Yeonjun, who had requested it. Leaving Beomgyu to be sitting alone on one side of the square table, which was surprisingly big enough to fit two people on each side, when it was always Yeonjun who sat alone. And it hurt. It hurt in multiple ways because Beomgyu wanted to be Soobin at that moment and because Beomgyu hates being left out. Whenever he glanced up, he was greeted with the sight of Soobin and Yeonjun entwined with each other. Their hands were on each other's legs and shoulders, and their faces were so close that it seemed like they were more than just studying. Whenever he felt the emptiness next to him, it brought him back to the discomfort he experienced during his middle school years. He would get upset thinking about how his so-called friends never really accepted him in the first place. It was a painful reminder of the challenges he had to face during that time in his life.

He was jealous, betrayed, and it was just too much.

He felt his throat closing up for the nth time that day, but this time he didn’t hold it back. Not that he could. 

That was the day he told everyone except Yeonjun about how he felt in the armpit that was the library’s public bathroom.

He was sitting next to Kai and Taehyun one second, the next he was crying, and then the next he was in the bathroom, again with Kai and Taehyun. He told them about his feelings, they listened and Taehyun hugged him close. They talked, and the other two kept telling him that Soobin and Yeonjun would never work out. Beomgyu knows it.

Then they left for a quick moment to somehow seize Soobin away from Yeonjun and bring him into the stall they were in. Beomgyu found out that Yeonjun didn't even realize he was crying, and for that, he was thankful and a little upset.

It was all a blur as he collapsed to the ground, pulling his knees up to his chest in a daze. Soobin walked in, carrying his sweater in hand.

“Okay, uh… What’s going on? I guess I’m not here for Gyu getting splashed all over his t-shirt, right?” he asked rhetorically. What a dumb excuse, Beomgyu thought.

“I thought you wanted Jimin? And you keep having staring contests with Hyunjin. Do you like Yeonjun hyung now?” Soobin said, almost condescendingly. Though this was probably just in Beomgyu’s imagination because everyone knows Soobin doesn’t have the heart to be condescending, especially toward Beomgyu.

Yeah, I do, I always fucking have, Beomgyu wanted to admit but he and his words did not let him say it. He was not ready to admit it yet.

“I never said I liked or wanted either of them.”

That was the last word he spoke that day, at six in the evening. Kai and Taehyun did the talking for him from then on.

A few days before that Yeonjun seemed extra eager to get Beomgyu and his weird stalker together. At lunch on a weekday he talked to some people and probed them about him. And he found out his name, Hyunjin. Ew, I can't date someone with the same name as my sister, was Beomgyu’s first thought. They found his social media accounts as well, though he had no pictures on them.

The others kept pushing Beomgyu to send a friend request but Beomgyu never did it. Partly because he didn't want to and partly because he was scared to talk. Beomgyu was foolish to think that this was it, they wouldn't go any further with the interest they had shown in Hyunjin. He was insanely wrong.

0.3

All that took him to today, right now. To Yeonjun and Beomgyu sitting at their usual seats at the campus café. Soobin somehow is not with them as he and the others are busy with their assignments from a shared class.

“Why do you not want him?” Yeonjun pouts as he watches Beomgyu’s current admirer through the window, who is shamelessly staring at Beomgyu. “Thought you wanted a boyfriend?” he then asks with the most genuine curiosity.

Beomgyu’s brain halts, he tries his best to not let it be seen on his face even though Yeonjun isn't currently looking at him. Why do you care? What’s it to you?

He shoots a glance at the person outside, his gaze hidden behind his long hair. Beomgyu opens his mouth to speak, “Cause,” already anticipating that the sentence won't be completed. The reason for that and his halting brain is him not being able to find a good excuse other than the truth, which is the fact that he likes Yeonjun, not this random guy. He knows that Yeonjun knows, but it’s one thing to know it, and it’s another to say it.

“Cause? Yeah, I'm not accepting the lack of answer you’re giving me.” he pauses for a second to turn to his left so he can look at Beomgyu’s face. “As much as I think it's reasonable to not want a relationship simply because you don't want it, I can sense something else is the problem here.”

“Cause…” Beomgyu tries again with a little more resolve, “I mean, yeah, he’s gorgeous and shit, and I bet he has an amazing personality but, okay, the others won't believe this, but it's like,” he contemplates his next words carefully as if one wrong thing out of his mouth will mess his life up.

Beomgyu often feels this way, and he acknowledges this. It is an insecurity that sits close to his heart. He cannot properly explain himself as fast as others, he does not know why, but he acknowledges it, and accepts it as a flaw.

Yeonjun waits patiently. Then, when Beomgyu can finally put out the sentence, he continues, telling him another reason, “I like the attention he gives me, not him.” emphasizing the two choices to make himself more understandable.

“Oh,” Yeonjun exclaims, elongating it because he understands. He somehow always does, even when Beomgyu slips up and doesn't form his words well. He guesses that’s just how amazing Yeonjun is.

But he needs to make sure. So he clarifies, “There’s a difference.”

“I know, I agree,” Yeonjun says as he chuckles.

Beomgyu wonders if Yeonjun feels okay with not bringing up the fact that he knows about Beomgyu’s feelings toward him. And why Soobin thought it was a good idea to tell him himself.

“But when will he leave me alone? I don’t wanna date him at all,” he says as he stands up to leave, gathering his things, Yeonjun follows him. 

“You should make it clear, I don't know, scare him off or something.”

“Scare him off? He scares me, he’s so old.”

“I am literally the same age as him. Fuck you.” Yeonjun says as a question.

“Not my fault you’re both old. But actually, I think you’re older.” Beomgyu protects his head from the hit that might come, and it does from a different angle, he gets hit anyway.

0.4

Later in that week Beomgyu leaves Soobin’s and makes his way back home, and as he pulls out his keys from his pocket to get in his off-campus apartment, his phone starts ringing. Unbearable in the silence, echoing off the walls. It’s Yeonjun. Did I forget something at Soobin’s? Beomgyu thinks as he picks it up.

“Yeah?” he says as he struggles to get the key in the hole.

“Uh, Hyunjin just asked Yunjin for your username, and she called Soobin.” Of course, he’s still with Soobin. “Should we give it to her?” Oh, I knew this would happen.

“Don’t give it.” Beomgyu unintentionally blurts out and it comes out vicious. He means it.

“Okay then, that’s it. We’ll tell her you said not to give it. Bye.” He also hears a distinct Bye from Soobin.

“Thanks, bye.”

So that’s that. He may have hurt Hyunjin's feelings, but he's indifferent to it. After all, for the first time in his life, someone approached him in this manner. He prefers to boost his ego than dwell on the fact that he turned him down.

Taehyun yells at him for it, though, that doesn't feel good.

Beomgyu usually wonders whether Taehyun hates him or not, with the way he hits him almost all the time, doesn’t let him get close, and doesn’t let him speak often. You have no right to speak. His voice echoes in his head.

But Taehyun isn't always like that. Like the day he told them about his feelings for Yeonjun, Taehyun hugged Beomgyu so firmly he thought he was being dramatic. And later on that day, Taehyun let Beomgyu vent to him as much as he wanted and when Beomgyu stated his embarrassment for talking so much Taehyun told him he would listen anytime. It contradicted his mean manner.

He often analyzes everyone's behavior towards each other to see if he gets left out of anything. He does, unsurprisingly.

The reason for this is that his past classmates haven't been the friendliest to him. Perhaps that’s also the reason why he is this insecure. He doesn’t trust himself with words. And for him to be included in some kind of event, he needs to be invited. I don’t wanna be in a place I’m not welcomed in. That’s kind of his life motto. He’s also very insecure about his looks. Yes, he knows he is pretty, but the face that looks at Beomgyu in photos or the mirror doesn’t always feel like him.

But he’s used to it. To being left out, not to the other things.

He’s used to it. He swears he is, but that doesn't mean it doesn't roll down a hill like a snowball, becoming bigger and harder to bare. Beomgyu finally gets drunk for the first time while drinking with Yeonjun. The alcohol allows him to express himself, and he reveals his true feelings of insecurity and exclusion. He confides in his friend about how his difficult childhood, raised on the darker corners of the internet, and the loss of his father, have profoundly influenced his emotional well-being. However, he is unable to express his feelings for Yeonjun. 

He lost his father almost 4 years ago, just a few months before he crossed paths with Jimin. During his lifetime, his father was the greatest thing in his life. Beomgyu was fortunate to have an exceptional father who was caring, truthful, and attentive. He showed love and affection towards his child and was an epitome of an amazing father. He was in love with Beomgyu’s mother and wasn’t ashamed to display it. One admirable aspect of their relationship was their ability to communicate effectively. Rather than fighting or arguing when they disagreed, they acted like mature adults and talked things through. He prioritized his children above everything else in life, and he never once raised his voice at them. Their relationship was the envy of all those around them, as everyone longed for the love and connection that they shared. It was so strong and beautiful that others couldn't help but feel envious. Maybe the many menacing stares they received caused his demise. He passed away due to a heart attack when he was only fifty-six years old.

Following that summer, Beomgyu's mental health spiraled into a deep depression. His sleep schedule was completely out of whack to the point where he slept through the day and stayed up all night playing video games. Meanwhile, his mother took care of him the best she could until he went to college again.

Beomgyu remembers a memory while talking, though he doesn’t tell Yeonjun about it.

Once again, Beomgyu found himself in tears while re-watching The Adam Project. He stares at Mark Ruffalo’s character as he talks to adult Adam. 

“You're my son, Adam, and I love you. You're my boy and I love you.”

He stares a little harder at Ryan Reynolds’s character’s face as Adam’s tears fly everywhere.

“Okay… you don't have to do all…” 

Louis cuts him off, “I loved you from the first minute that I saw you and that will never change.”

Beomgyu briefly escapes reality, only to return and witness Louis embracing adult Adam in a hurry, followed closely by young Adam joining the embrace.

“I need you, Dad. It’s so hard without you.”

“I know. You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be better than okay.”

Beomgyu detests the smirk on Louis's face.

“You don’t know that.”

Beomgyu agrees with young Adam so intensely. He also adores Walker Schobell, he has become his favorite actor with just this movie and his casting in Percy Jackson. Beomgyu fucking loves Percy Jackson.

Though neither his adoration for Walker Schobell nor his love for Percy Jackson can stop him from crying.

Then he talks about the effect the internet had on him. It’s a simple thing, very normalized for Beomgyu but when Yeonjun hears about it, he looks at him like a deer in headlights. Beomgyu feels mortified but keeps talking.

Beomgyu feels comfortable talking to Yeonjun about his problems for the first time since he spoke to a psychiatrist after his father passed away. He trusts Yeonjun and believes he is the best person to confide in. He is correct.

Yeonjun being Yeonjun; listens, understands, and does his best to look after Beomgyu after that talk.

And Yeonjun feels so fucked. The same feeling from months ago when he witnessed Beomgyu smoking a cigarette for the first time comes back in a different font. Back then the thought of Beomgyu willingly doing himself harm made his head spin. As Yeonjun contemplated taking the cigarette out of his friend's lips, Soobin made his grand entrance into the park, flinging himself towards Yeonjun. Yeonjun was forced to drop his plan and pay attention to Soobin. And right now he cares for Beomgyu so deeply it spins his head and hurts his chest all the time. When he saw him crying but couldn't do anything about it cause the others seemed to not want him to. He later got told it was because he liked him. That made him feel good and confident. But seeing him cry didn’t feel good at all.

So he hid in Soobin. Who was still recovering from a three-year relationship by distracting himself with others, such as the girl he just broke off with, and Yeonjun himself.

0.5

Yeonjun experiences a pivotal moment in his life at precisely 09:24 am when he sends Beomgyu a cheerful selfie to greet him in the morning, and Beomgyu replies with one of his own. This realization dawns on Yeonjun as he realizes the extent of his feelings toward Beomgyu.

He’s barefaced, bed-haired, and looking so soft. His teddy bear-themed pajamas make him look like a teddy bear too. A cub. It is the first time Yeonjun’s brain halts because of Beomgyu. And it happens so many more times.

Yeonjun feels bad for Soobin, he’s practically using him now. They should talk about this.

Then months pass, and everyone stays the same. Kai has nothing in his life that’s exciting apart from his new part-time job as a nanny. Taehyun is still mean and caring. Beomgyu is still pushing down his feelings, not talking to anybody about it and no one brings it up either.

And even Hyunjin stays the same, he still comes out to the bench to sit with his friends and stare at Beomgyu all day long. Seems someone still has their hopes up. Beomgyu has lost his.

The only time anyone brings up Beomgyu’s crush, it’s more than a crush but they refer to it like that, it is Kai and he tells Beomgyu when they're sitting alone, to go for Hyunjin. He says it would distract him from Yeonjun. Beomgyu says he will consider it and Kai tells the others. Yeonjun feels panicked and guilty.

Yeah, one would say everything stays the same. Until something shifts. Someone, some people. It’s Yeonjun and Soobin. Yeonjun and Soobin end things. And they stay friends.

Beomgyu religiously believes that if you stay friends with an ex, that means you either never liked each other or still do. He hopes the former is true.

And holy fucking shit, the universe gives him something good for once.

“We were both trying to get over other people and using each other was not a good idea so we ended it,” Soobin states. “I think that’s insanely mature of us.” he puts up a finger and with his glasses on, he looks like a teacher's pet.

“Yeah, and I think what you said, Beomgyu, was true for me too,” Yeonjun says.

Beomgyu tilts his head in confusion, I say many things, and as usual, he overthinks it in under a second and thinks Yeonjun is talking about something he didn't mean because he couldn't choose his words properly, his flaw.

It’s almost like Yeonjun sees the panic on his face because he reaches out to ruffle his hair, “You said you liked Hyunjin’s attention, not Hyunjin. That was true for me too.” Beomgyu’s brain halts once again because of Yeonjun.

“Finally someone understands me,” Beomgyu says as he grins. Yeonjun can only chuckle at his cute dimples.

Beomgyu thinks he might just have a chance with Yeonjun.

0.6

Yeonjun thinks about Jeongin and Heeseung, about why Beomgyu never takes a step. Beomgyu is very introverted and anxious at heart even when he tries to put up a front, to ‘make himself feel normal’ as Beomgyu phrases it. Yeonjun doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with not being normal, not that being an introvert is abnormal. He even finds it cute sometimes. But maybe that’s just because it’s Beomgyu.

He thinks about what Beomgyu told him that day when he was drunk, how he has noticed none of it. He never knew they made him feel discluded. He talked with the other four when Beomgyu wasn’t around and Taehyun cried. Yeonjun told them Beomgyu specifically mentioned Taehyun’s behavior and told them that Beomgyu knew Taehyun loved meanly, but sometimes it did not feel like love at all, just pure annoyance. That’s when Taehyun cried. He said wanted to apologize but they eventually agreed not to let Beomgyu know that they talked about this. And they did everything they could to make Beomgyu feel more included.

That contains inviting themselves over to Beomgyu’s on a summer evening, with their favorite drinks and snacks.

All of them drink and smoke cigarettes all night, Yeonjun doesn’t drink because he feels responsible for them since he’s the oldest. Late in the night, they start passing out one by one. Kai first, who didn’t even drink that much, then Taehyun on top of him on the couch, followed by Soobin on the floor, and Yeonjun carries him to a guest bedroom with all his might. He tucks him into the twin-sized bed and leaves a painkiller and a cup of water on the nightstand, then brings some for Kai and Taehyun too.

That leaves him with a very intoxicated Beomgyu, and he wonders when Beomgyu started drinking as if he’s been doing it all his life. He looks so weakened, it makes Yeonjun silly. He’s so damn cute, he wants to munch on his cheek pressed against one of his knees.

“Yeonjunnie,” Beomgyu whines. Yeonjun's legs wobble, just when did he fall for Beomgyu this bad?

“Hyung, c’mere,” Beomgyu yells a little and makes grabby hands at him, Yeonjun shushes him and when he is close enough, Beomgyu pulls him onto the couch, way too close for comfort. But he likes being this close to Beomgyu.

“Beomgyu,” he whispers, not wanting to wake up Kai and Taehyun on the couch.

There’s a pause as Beomgyu waits for him to continue, then it’s a silence too stretched out. Beomgyu moves away and it’s easier to breathe, “What were you going to say?” his words come out slurred.

Yeonjun doesn’t know what he wanted to say, perhaps he just wanted to say his name.

“Nothing, are you sleepy?”

“A little,” Beomgyu says, and then he’s too close again.

Yeonjun grabs the cigarette Beomgyu reaches for and takes a long drag, shooting a shit-eating grin at the boy who’s half pouting, half smiling at him. 

“Oh, that reminds me,” Beomgyu says a bit incoherently as he gets up. “I took your hoodie by accident when I was leaving Soobin’s the other day. I totally forgot.” Oh, yeah he did, Yeonjun forgot about how he saw Beomgyu’s hoodie in his backpack instead of his, which is identical to Beomgyu’s apart from a little triangle knitted on the collar. Yeonjun is surprised Beomgyu remembers it in this state.

“How did me taking your cig remind you of that?” 

“I was gonna wear my hoodie before smoking so my t-shirt wouldn't smell like cigarettes, and when putting it on I realized the scent was yours. And Binnie’s” he adds the last part perhaps a little begrudgingly.

He knows my smell? It's normal to be able to recognize your friends’ smells, but knowing Beomgyu recognizes his smell makes him feel giddy. He watches with worried eyes as Beomgyu makes his way into his bedroom, down the hall, away from where Soobin is sleeping.

Yeonjun puts out the cigarette in the ashtray and stares at it with all the other cigarettes they’ve smoked tonight. He realizes that the whole place must smell disgusting right now. They need to do a little cleaning later. Later meaning in the morning.

There’s a loud thud from Beomgyu’s room and Yeonjun’s head whips toward it. When he hears no other movement he jolts out of his seat and takes the fastest steps to the room. 

“Beomgyu? Beomgyu-yah, you okay?” he says in worry.

Beomgyu fucking giggles. He’s holding the hoodie and there are two boxes on the floor, clearly heavy. 

“Sorry,” he waits for his giggle to calm down. “Sorry, I’m a lil’ drunk.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Yeonjun runs a hand through his hair and holds it there momentarily. It makes his, usually covered up by his hair, forehead show.

When Beomgyu looks back at him, he visibly flushes. And of course, Yeonjun notices it.

“Beomgyu,” this pulls Beomgyu out of whatever his mind was about to go about. “Um, here, your hoodie, take it back,” Beomgyu utters before Yeonjun can say anything. “And I’ll get mine back some other time, yeah.” he is fidgeting now, playing with his ring.

“Beomgyu. Let’s talk when you’re sober.” Yeonjun sternly says and pulls Beomgyu gently by his arm to move him to his bed. Beomgyu whines a little but allows him, and lets out an oof as he falls on the bed, losing his balance when his knees hit the bed.

“Now sleep, I’ll be on the couch if you need me,” Yeonjun says and he makes a move to leave but Beomgyu throws him a betrayed look.

“What?” he says defeatedly.

“Stay.”

What?

“What?” he says again, this time in a skeptical tone. Like he’s not sure if Beomgyu wants him to.

Another thing Yeonjun isn’t sure about is if Beomgyu still likes him. He hasn’t been the same after that day he cried in the library. He doesn’t look at him the same anymore and none of the others ever came to him to talk about Beomgyu’s feelings for a while either. He also seems to be getting along with Hyunjin since the day Kai told them about Beomgyu considering talking with Hyunjin. Yeonjun thinks Beomgyu has lost feelings for him, it’s been months after all. But perhaps he thinks differently after tonight.

“Stay,” Beomgyu whines again. “Stay here, sleep here, please.”

Maybe I’m wrong, he thinks as he pulls the blanket from under Beomgyu and lies down next to him, throwing it around the two of them.

Their bodies don’t touch for a few moments but then Beomgyu scoots closer, throwing his leg around Yeonjun’s hips and hooks it on his leg, then his arm hugs him on the waist. His head finds its place in Yeonjun's neck. His long hair tickles him.

Yeonjun can feel Beomgyu taking deep breaths as if he’s smelling his favorite food.

“Are you smelling me?” he asks jokingly.

“Yeah, you smell so domestic.” his voice comes out muffled.

Yeonjun thinks this is how he dies. He feels Beomgyu’s heartbeat in his chest going thump thump thump all too fast, and his own is the same. He’s forced to lose his focus on their heartbeats when Beomgyu moves his hand to Yeonjun’s face. He caresses his cheek, his hand colder than Yeonjun’s face. 

“You’re way too pretty for your good.” Yeonjun can tell he isn’t thinking about his words before speaking them.

He retracts his hand back and Yeonjun instinctively holds it and interlaces their fingers. Beomgyu makes a content noise and snuggles impossibly nearer.

In that moment Yeonjun realizes that maybe Beomgyu never lost his feelings and for the past few months, they have been pining for each other. 

Not after long, Beomgyu falls asleep, clinging onto him like a koala. And Yeonjun thinks about Beomgyu’s relationship with Jeongin and Heeseung again.

He has to take the first step, or Beomgyu never will.

He then falls asleep listening to Beomgyu’s calm breathing.

0.7

When Beomgyu stirs awake, he is hit with the smell of Febreze and omelets. There’s a warmth next to him, similar to his childhood dog. He thinks he is dreaming. But the dog makes a human noise.

“Good morning,”

It sounds like Yeonjun.

It is Yeonjun.

What the fuck?

Beomgyu makes a questioning noise, confused.

Yeonjun laughs too loudly for someone next to a person who is feeling the sparks of a hangover, “How do you feel?”

“Bad, duh. But how did you get in my bed, hyung? Thought you said you'd be on the couch.”

“Wow, you remember that much? I'm always so shocked by your memory,” Yeonjun mutters, and Beomgyu thinks what he’s saying sounds stupid, as he doesn't remember anything before last year. “You told me to stay, so I stayed.”

“Oh, okay, sorry.” That’s so fucking embarrassing.

And as if he reads the emotions on his face, Yeonjun nudges him, “No getting shy or apologizing, if I didn’t want to stay, I wouldn’t.”

“Okay, sor—” he cuts himself off, knowingly.

“No apologizing,” Yeonjun repeats in a sing-song.

They stay in bed, chatting until Kai knocks on the door.

“Has Beomgyu hyung woken up yet? I made breakfast, come to the kitchen.”

“We’re coming!” Yeonjun answers him.

“How long have you been awake?” he asks, Yeonjun must have been awake for a while because it seems like Kai already checked up on them.

“About an hour,”

Beomgyu’s eyes widen. “Why didn’t you just leave?”

“I like staying with you, when are you gonna understand that?” The face Yeonjun gives him is unreadable from Beomgyu’s point of view.

“Okay. Um, let’s go then.”

Then they make their way into the kitchen where Kai is serving the omelets and pouring everyone coffee, on the other side of the island there is Soobin, on his phone smiling at something, and there is Taehyun, his head in his arms, probably dealing with a hangover too.

Yeonjun and Beomgyu sit next to each other, between the two, and leave the last two seats for Kai.

“Good morning people, I made the breakfast so one of you is going to do the cleaning.” Kai perks up.

“Not me.” Beomgyu and Yeonjun say in unison, and Taehyun just grumbles, which translates to Not me. And that leaves Soobin to it. His eyes dart between all of them, he feels backstabbed.

“Fine, assholes.” Everyone laughs at him in pity.

0.8

After breakfast and Soobin cleaning out the mess they made last night, everyone takes their leave. Everyone except Yeonjun. He stays.

“Do you remember me saying we should talk when you’re sober?” he says after sending Kai out the door, who is the last person to leave.

“Barely,” Beomgyu shrugs. It’s the truth.

“Okay, well, you’re sober so,” Yeonjun grabs Beomgyu by his arm, “we are going to talk,” he then gently pulls him to one of the couches. Beomgyu reluctantly follows.

And then expectedly starts to panic. Any form of let’s talk scares him. He doesn’t understand why people decide to be so ominous with it.

Thankfully Yeonjun knows Beomgyu, so he reassures him, “Hey,” he turns to Beomgyu, hand sliding down to his hand, he sits down, “It’s not anything bad, I promise, trust me, cub” Yeonjun has wanted to call Beomgyu cub for too long.

“Cub—” Beomgyu’s words to question him get cut off when Yeonjun pulls him down next to him. The couch gets a sense of déjà vu. 

“Cub,” Yeonjun echoes firmly, but then his eyes widen a little and he starts blinking as he grasps what he said, “Okay, uh, shit—”

“Are you okay?” Beomgyu examines Yeonjun’s face to understand what has him losing his cool.

“Yeah, sorry, I thought this would be easy,”

“I know you said not to worry but you are kind of worrying me right now, hyung.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Yeonjun exhales. He feels exasperated. He’s pissed at himself.

“Stop apologizing.” Beomgyu mocks Yeonjun, using his words against him, and watches his lips’ corners quirk upwards.

“Okay,” he takes a deep breath. “It’s just— do you know the real reason I wanted to break up with Soobin?”

Oh, he’s thinking about Soobin, Beomgyu’s mind wanders into pessimistic thoughts, maybe he wants to get back together with him, but Yeonjun reaching out for his other hand tugs him out of them.

“It’s because—” he bites his lip and as he squeezes his eyes shut, he confesses.

“It’s because I realized I liked you, not him. And before you ask me why I haven’t made a move all this time, it is because I thought you had moved on to Hyunjin and lost your feelings for me but something about how you were last night told me otherwise, and I decided to tell you. Also, I didn’t want to wait for you to tell me first because I know you would never do anything.” He sounds like he's delivering his final speech. So fast yet comprehensible. And the last sentence feels like it should be shameful but it isn't, it’s thoughtful. 

It all makes Beomgyu cry. He then receives the warmest and most emotionally charged hug from Yeonjun, wrapping him up tightly in his arms.

“I still like you,” Beomgyu says in between his sobs, “Hyung, I never stopped, how could you think I stopped?”

“I don’t know, I’m so stupid,” he starts crying too. He pulls Beomgyu’s head into his neck, his stomach flips at Beomgyu’s shampoo’s smell. Perhaps Yeonjun fell harder and faster than Beomgyu did because he was already feeling so many things.

“God, how did I do this to you? How can I hurt someone I love this bad?” 

Love.

The word screeches at Beomgyu. And he feels Yeonjun freeze over him.

“You love me?” Beomgyu asks as he lifts from Yeonjun’s neck.

“My love for you, for now, is platonic, but I like you,” he rephrases and before Beomgyu can panic again he adds, “I like you so much that I don’t think it’s gonna take that long for me to fall in love with you.”

Ah, a simple I love you would never feel as good as this, Beomgyu thinks.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Now what?”

“Now,” he skims over Beomgyu’s face, landing on his lips, “I kiss you. If you let me, that is.”

As if he wouldn’t.

But…

“It’s my first kiss,” Beomgyu says, ashamed. Who in the right mind goes twenty-one years without ever kissing someone?

Yeonjun makes a pained noise, “ Fuck, I know,” he presses his lips together and Beomgyu can see the tip of his ears turning red.

“Wait, hyung, don’t tell me you—”

“ Do not say it out loud. ” Yeonjun grows even redder, it spreads to his cheeks.

Beomgyu laughs manically as he wipes away the tears, which are now coming out because he cannot stop laughing.

“Stop, don’t laugh at me, I am just a man.” Yeonjun fake pouts, but he is enjoying himself.

“Sorry, it’s just—” he collects himself, “I can’t believe your horny ass, do you have a corruption kink or something? Virginity kink too?”

“What if I do? Kinks are natural!” He’s grinning so wide, it must hurt his cheeks.

“Then you should know that you could be my first at everything.”

Yeonjun’s dick might have twitched at that, but that information stays between his underwear, his sweatpants, the higher power, and himself. Though he unintentionally lets out a shit and Beomgyu loses it again. Yet Yeonjun can see the blush on his face too.

“Okay,” Beomgyu finally calms down again, “fucking kiss me now.”

Yeonjun doesn’t need to be told twice, as he practically throws himself at Beomgyu, not wasting a moment.

Yeonjun is purposely moving at a patient and measured pace to make sure that Beomgyu's first kiss is perfect. He wants the kiss to be flawless and unforgettable. Also, he has imagined this moment too many times, so he sticks to the script in his head, he is going to take it slow.

The way Beomgyu kisses is surprisingly experienced as if he's kissed countless times before. So he changes his little pecks into something more.

After a while the kiss turns passionate, and Yeonjun can feel the longing on Beomgyu’s lips. He feels guilty for making Beomgyu wait for so long, but deep down he knows it was worth it. He wouldn't have wanted things to happen any differently than they did.

Meanwhile, Beomgyu feels so many emotions at once, thinking, so this is what it feels like, huh, kissing is addictive. But maybe that’s just because it’s Yeonjun.

Fuck it, Beomgyu thinks when they pull away to breathe. It’s not just a crush anymore. Hasn’t been for a while now.

“I love you, hyung.” 

“I’m going to love you too, cub,” Yeonjun says and pauses,

“Your first kiss is mine, fucking mine,” 

“Stop—” Beomgyu chuckles.

“I hope you know that I am not letting go of you until I have taken all your firsts.”

With anybody else, Beomgyu would’ve left the apartment so quickly after those words, but this is Yeonjun, and he is in love with Yeonjun.

“ Fuck, okay,”

Yeonjun pulls him into an embrace that feels like it will never end, and whispers in his ear, “ You’re mine. ”

Beomgyu is so lucky, he thinks. Not everyone gets to have Yeonjun.

Yeonjun is fairly popular around campus and has many people head over heels for him. Unlike Beomgyu who’s only had Hyunjin come and ask him out. It’s kind of funny that Beomgyu rejects him.

Yeonjun comes from a quite known and prosperous family, which helps him out in being known himself. And his outgoing personality just adds to it. He can have anyone he desires, yet he chooses Beomgyu. Beomgyu should be hailing him, or something.

Because he is the opposite. Beomgyu is, surprising to the people he is close with, introverted. He can’t always be this talkative rendition of himself. He is also well known but not in the same way as Yeonjun. People know Beomgyu because of his mother, who’s a professor at the community college. People know of Beomgyu, they don’t know him.

They don’t know that even if he dresses in all black and wears silver piercings with matching chokers and rings, even if he does his makeup every morning to make his eyes darker and skin paler, even if he has a coldish demeanor, he is the softest inside. His collection of cute pajamas shows it. You wouldn't think someone who looks like him would be into the type of music he likes. People think he is a metalhead, Beomgyu appreciates metal. But he treasures artists like Chase Atlantic, and Mitski, and has dozens of Will Wood, Cocteau Twins, Lana Del Rey, and Taylor Swift songs on his playlists.

It appears that Yeonjun is a fan of typical frat boy music and Chase Atlantic, all thanks to the influence of Beomgyu. Music is one of the few things that keeps Beomgyu alive.

0.9

Yeonjun is not that jealous, he claims.

Beomgyu isn’t the most keen on physical touch but other people seem to like touching him nowadays, Yeonjun knows it’s because they love to stick their noses in everything, now that they know he’s Yeonjun’s boyfriend. Boyfriend, Yeonjun giggles internally when he thinks about it.

But right now, after a few months into their relationship, Yeonjun is not fucking giggling, he is pretty sure everyone around them can feel the aura he’s putting off. Because Taehyun shoots him a look that translates to Calm your shit. The way Kai is trying to pry Beomgyu away from Hyunjin translates to the fact that he also knows Yeonjun might explode.

But how can he calm his fucking shit when Hyunjin, who knows about Beomgyu and Yeonjun’s relationship, is eyeing Beomgyu up and down, flirting with him, and being way too touchy in all the wrong fucking places? Yeonjun doesn’t even do half the shit Hyunjin is doing right now.

And they’re in public, Yeonjun doesn't want to beat this dick up here. In an attempt of calming himself, he looks at Beomgyu, who seems like he has no idea what Hyunjin is doing. It doesn’t calm him to look at the L word of his life at all.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in another attempt at calming his nerves, but as he opens his eyes again, he is met with Hyunjin looking at him with a smirk on his face. He lifts his hand and Yeonjun’s eyes follow it. And no words can describe how angry and disgusted the sight makes him feel. Hyunjin is looking at Beomgyu as he holds him by the waist. He makes sure Yeonjun is watching, then brings his other hand to slide it up across his chest until he gets to his collar, where he hooks a finger to pull Beomgyu closer. That’s when Beomgyu realizes.

“What are y—”

His question is cut off by the gasp he lets out when an extremely enraged Yeonjun pushes Hyunjin off of Beomgyu and onto the ground. The people close to their circle look at Hyunjin on the ground as he grunts.

“Watch your fucking self,” Yeonjun almost yells as he puts Beomgyu behind him as if Hyunjin is a physical threat. He kind of is, though he looks horrified, probably because he never expected Yeonjun to actually do something.

“Don’t test me.” it comes out as a hiss. He then turns back to a very stunned Beomgyu and takes his hand, signaling Taehyun and Kai with the other that they are fucking leaving, Taehyun follows pleasantly with a smirk on his face, even if he was the one to warn Yeonjun to be calm. Kai is holding back his smile.

They part ways to get back to their respective homes because Yeonjun cannot take it anymore.

“Let’s go to my place,” he tells Beomgyu who is, unbeknownst to Yeonjun, incredibly turned on.

“Okay,” Beomgyu tells him. And they make their way to Yeonjun’s apartment, Yeonjun drives them, and the car stays quiet.

1.0

After roughly thirty minutes, they arrive at Yeonjun’s too-expensive apartment. When Yeonjun finally reads his card, the door opens and he pushes Beomgyu in.

“Hyung,”

“What the fuck,” Yeonjun says, not aimed at Beomgyu at all, just out of exasperation. He then clutches Beomgyu as if he will vanish if he doesn’t. His hands roam all around his back, up to his head, and almost down to his ass. He doesn’t know where to hold him, he wishes he could touch him everywhere at once, become one with him, perhaps.

“Hyung, I’m sorry,” Yeonjun whips his head up.

“What are you apologizing for? You didn’t do anything,” Yeonjun looks all over his face, hand reaching out to tuck a hair strand behind Beomgyu’s hair, “That bastard did. He can’t keep his fucking hands to himself, that’s not on you.” He knows me too well, Beomgyu thinks.

“But still, I should've noticed it, I would've stopped him.”

“No, cub it's not your fault, he shouldn't have done any of that in the first place,”

And before Beomgyu can protest again, Yeonjun’s lips find his own.

Yeonjun doesn’t kiss him how Beomgyu thought a jealous person would, he kisses him unhurriedly, tenderly. But he is holding back something. Beomgyu doesn’t know if it’s anger or something else, he hopes it isn’t the former. And he thinks he has an idea of what it could be.

His hands find Yeonjun’s neck and he grabs at it, pulling him impossibly closer. Yeonjun takes the hint and picks up the pace; the kiss is now deep and hungry. Beomgyu experimentally grinds his hips into Yeonjun’s and he only sighs, never taking anything further. Not without getting actual consent from Beomgyu. But now they are touching everywhere and all the sensations make Beomgyu’s brain weak.

“Junnie,” he says in between their kisses, breathless.

“Baby,” Yeonjun responds when he finally pulls back to take a breather.

“I think we should have sex soon.”

Yeonjun chokes on his and Beomgyu’s spit.

“What— what the— where did this come— come from?” Beomgyu chortles at the sputtered words coming out of Yeonjun's mouth as he tries to collect himself.

When Yeonjun can finally breathe, Beomgyu answers, “I’ve been thinking about it, and I'm gonna be honest, seeing you like that today was my last straw.” Beomgyu feels himself blush just from the thought of a jealous, possessive Yeonjun.

“Like what ?” he is smirking.

“Hey, you know what. I'm not gonna say it.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I am not.”

Yeonjun gives him puppy eyes, Beomgyu can’t not obey him.

“Ugh, fine, you were hot, okay? Hotter than usual. I liked it.” he admits and darts away at the shoe rack as if it’s going to save him. Beomgyu wants to disappear and never come back.

“Y’know what’s hotter?” he looks back, Yeonjun’s expression is full of tenderness despite his words.

“The fact that you want to have sex with me,” Beomgyu rolls his eyes. “Seriously! I think I got a boner from that,” he adds and looks down at his crotch, which seriously does have a tent.

“Oh my god, hyung,” Beomgyu is mortified, in a good way.

It feels good to know that Yeonjun likes him enough to get pent-up by such a simple thing. It eases his insecurities. Because Choi Yeonjun wants him.

“Okay, the sex thing, are you sure?” Yeonjun says after a second. Beomgyu feels the hesitance in the way Yeonjun combs his hands through Beomgyu’s hair.

“Yes, hyung, I want to do it with you,” he says as he brings Yeonjun’s forehead closer to his, allowing them to touch. “I want it to be you .”

Yeonjun’s brain orgasms at that moment.

“Yeah— yeah okay, that’s fucking amazing,”

Yeonjun also orgasms into a condom later that day but for different reasons.

Sex, or rather making love as Beomgyu likes to refer to it now, with Beomgyu is something Yeonjun never experienced in his past relationship. As he holds Beomgyu in his arms, whether he was ever truly in love with his past partners seems insignificant. Beomgyu is sleeping soundly after a relaxing bath, smelling so himself, and nothing else seems to matter right now. He is in love; he doesn't need to contemplate something that passed.