Chapter Text
It was obvious, since the beginning, that there was something between Minho and Jisung. From the moment they met, they seemed to immediately connect, like two souls reuniting from a past life. Minho loved being around Jisung, he loved making him laugh, loved going out to nice places with him, or just sitting on the couch, leaning against each other, scrolling through their phones and talking and laughing.
But more than that, Minho was in love with Jisung.
To him, it had almost been love at first sight and he was so sure it was the same for Jisung. The small gestures and touches, the time he held Minho’s hand to reassure him… it was all carved in Minho’s heart. Minho wished to be with Jisung, to love him, to be loved by him, to go out on dates with him. However, he waited a few years for Stray Kids to grow and for the group’s dynamic to settle to try and confess to Jisung.
When Minho thought he had waited long enough, he started getting even closer to Jisung. And because the latter indulged Minho and flirted back, the latter started to hope that maybe this relationship could grow into something more. That’s when he decided to talk to Hyunjin.
At first, he wanted to talk to Chan, but the leader was constantly busy and Minho didn’t want to add to the pressure Chan was getting. Changbin already knew since the beginning about his hyung’s feelings and had always listened to him, letting him talk and giving him advice when Minho asked for it. For that, Minho almost considered telling him he’d confess, but as the years went by, Changbin got busier. So Minho decided to talk to Hyunjin.
Indeed, Hyunjin was a hopeless romantic but he was also a great listener. To top it all, Minho and Hyunjin were close. There was something about their dynamic that others couldn’t understand. They understood each other on another, deeper level. So Hyunjin was Minho’s best choice.
That’s how Minho found himself standing in front of Hyunjin’s bedroom door, palms a little sweaty and heart racing in his chest. He softly knocked and waited for the invitation to enter.
“Come in!” Hyunjin called out, his voice muffled.
Minho opened the door and stepped inside, closing it behind him. He found Hyunjin sitting on a stool, holding a brush in his hand, a canvas in front of him. He was painting peonies, the baby pink and soft purple mixing beautifully together.
“Hi hyung,” Hyunjin smiled. “Are you okay?”
“Hi. Yeah, I’m okay.”
Hyunjin narrowed his eyes. “You look anxious, hyung. What’s wrong?”
Minho bit the inside of his cheek and pursed his lips while he played with his fingers.
“Do you have some time to talk?” he asked.
“I always have time for you, hyung,” Hyunjin softly replied, his smile appearing back on his pretty face. He gently put his brush down then got up to sit down on his bed, and patted the spot next to him. Minho walked to the bed and sat down, giving Hyunjin a tight smile before looking down at his lap. “What’s wrong, hyung?”
“I uh… I need your help,” Minho finally said.
“Anything.”
Minho hesitated. Was this even a good idea, after all? Before he could start spiralling, Minho took a deep breath in and shakily released it. “I’m going to confess to Jisung,” he blurted out.
There, he said it. It felt good and made it more real.
“Oh.”
Minho looked up at Hyunjin, tilting his head to the side, not sure what that meant. He missed the heartbreak and hurt flashing in Hyunjin’s eyes.
“And uhm… what do you need my help for, hyung?” Hyunjin asked. His voice was deeper and it seemed to crack at the end of that sentence.
Minho turned his gaze away and looked back down at his hands. “Well, I was hoping you could help me with that,” he said. “Confessing,” he added. “I’m not sure what I should say, how I should say it, and I want this to be perfect. Do you think I should get him flowers?” he asked, looking up at Hyunjin whose eyes were oddly shining for a split second before he smiled.
“I don’t think flowers are necessary, hyung,” he said gently. “Just be yourself. Get a quiet place, where you won’t be interrupted, something cosy. And then tell him how you feel.”
“Okay, but how?”
Hyunjin straightened up and cleared his throat. “Well, I don’t know… For example, how long have you liked him?”
“I guess since the day we met.”
“Oh, okay.”
There it was again: Hyunjin sounded disappointed. Minho was about to ask questions when Hyunjin interrupted him.
“Tell him that then.” When Minho looked at him with a sceptical expression, Hyunjin couldn’t help the small chuckle coming out of his mouth. “Okay. For example, if I were to confess, this is how it’d go: I’d tell the person I love that I’ve always admired them for their talent, that every time I see them, my day brightens, that when I think of them, I can’t stop smiling, and I feel so happy when I’m around them that I feel like my heart could burst out of my chest. I want to hold their hand, I want to hug them, to be as close to them as I can. I want to play with their hair, I want to kiss their mouth, nose and cheeks. I want to hear them giggle. I want them to know how much I treasure them. I want to paint them, and give them their favourite flowers. I want to look into their eyes and make them smile. I want to do silly things and have cosy and deep conversations. I want you- them to be my last love. I like you.”
Hyunjin’s cheeks were bright red and his hands were shaking ever so slightly. He didn’t realise what he just said until he felt Minho shift next to him.
Minho smiled softly. “Hyunjinnie,” he said, “are you in love with someone?”
Hyunjin’s eyes widened as he looked at his hyung, fear filling his heart. Did his hyung figure it out? Why did he have to slip…? It was over for him now, wasn’t it? “I- I- hyung-”
“It’s okay, Hyunjinnie, you don’t have to tell me. I’m just teasing you. It’s just that… what you just said, well, it felt real. As if you actually felt all this and wanted all of it,” Minho said.
“Yeah… I do like someone.”
“Who is it?”
Hyunjin blushed and averted his eyes, looking anywhere but at Minho. He then frowned. “I’m not telling you, hyung. And this isn’t about me, it’s about you.”
“Right.”
Hyunjin smiled. “So, did what I say help?”
“Yeah, it actually really did, thank you, Hyunjinnie.”
“Any time, hyung.” There was a moment of silence before Hyunjin spoke again. “When are you going to confess?”
“I think in two days when we have our day off,” Minho answered thoughtfully.
“That’s a good idea,” Hyunjin nodded. “Do you have any idea if he likes you back?”
Minho tilted his head. “I think he does. We’re so close and he flirts with me. So… yeah, I think so. I hope so.”
“I hope so too,” Hyunjin quietly said. “It would make you happy.”
“Yeah.”
Hyunjin hummed. “Do you need anything else, hyung?”
“No. Thank you, Hyunjinnie.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Are you gonna finish your painting?”
“Yeah.”
They got up, and Minho followed Hyunjin to his stool where the latter sat before picking up his brush and dipping it in the paint. Minho watched Hyunjin put the colour on the flowers for a moment.
“Why peonies?”
“What do you mean?” Hyunjin asked, still focused on his painting.
“Why peonies, why not roses? They’re your favourites.”
Hyunjin hoped Minho couldn’t see the blush spreading on his cheeks when he realised his hyung remembered his favourite flowers, and his hand wavered but he straightened up and gripped his brush, letting out a soft chuckle.
“They represent love and beauty, happiness and romance,” Hyunjin answered. “I wanted to paint them this evening.”
Minho smiled. “Oh, so you really are in love,” he giggled.
Hyunjin frowned and glared at his hyung. “I told you before, why would I lie?”
“I know,” Minho said. He gently petted Hyunjin’s hair. “They’re beautiful.”
Hyunjin smiled softly, his eyes never leaving the canvas. “Thank you.”
Minho stayed a little while longer, mesmerised by the way Hyunjin’s brush stroked the canvas and how the flowers became more and more real until he finally shifted and spoke.
“I’m gonna go to sleep now,” he said. “Goodnight, Hwang Hyunjin.”
“Goodnight, hyung. Sleep well.”
“Dream of me~,” Minho sing-sang.
Hyunjin faked a gagging sound and smiled at his hyung’s giggle. When the door shut, Hyunjin sighed and paused in his art for a moment, then grabbed his headphones, placed them on his head, took his phone and played one of his favourite playlists before going back to his painting.
***
Two days later, Minho woke up with a knot in his stomach and his heart racing in his chest. He was going to confess to Jisung today and suddenly, he questioned himself, wondering if he should actually go through with this. For a moment, he had half a mind to call it off, tell Hyunjin it was a bad idea and just keep his relationship with Jisung as it was.
So he got up and went to the kitchen to get himself some coffee. Once he had his steamy cup in hand, he went back to his bedroom and grabbed his phone as he sat on his bed. He had multiple messages, but the one that caught his attention was from Hyunjin.
> Are you ready for today, hyung?
Minho smiled and that’s when he realised that maybe confessing wasn’t such a bad idea. He needed to do it, he couldn’t be a coward about it. And even if Jisung told him he’d rather they remain friends, at least he’d know for sure if Jisung has feelings for him too. Of course, Minho hoped that Jisung would reciprocate his feelings and he was almost sure he would, but he had to be prepared for rejection too.
However, as the day went on, Minho forgot about that possibility. In his head, it would all work out and he’d have a great relationship with Jisung. He was already imagining announcing it to the other members who’d congratulate the two and would be happy for them. He pictured going on his first date with Jisung, his first kiss-
Minho blushed at the thought, immediately chasing it away, a smile tugging at his lips. He thought of what Hyunjin had told him and mentally repeated it in his head so he’d be ready when facing Jisung. Speaking of which, Minho had to tell him he needed to talk to him. He grabbed his phone and called Jisung who immediately picked up the call.
“Hyung, hi!” His cheerful voice resonated on the phone.
“Hey, Jisungie,” Minho said. “Are you free tonight?”
“Mhm… It depends. What time?”
“I don’t know, 6?”
“What’s it for?”
“I just need to talk.”
“Is it possible to do that around 4?”
“Uh, yeah sure, of course.”
“Great! See you then, hyung!”
And Jisung hung up. Minho stared at the black screen for a moment and frowned: this wasn’t exactly going according to plan, but maybe he asked Jisung too late, maybe he had plans with another member. Minho couldn’t exactly blame him. But it would be a bit strange if Minho confessed, Jisung kissed him and then went out with another member. Well, maybe the confession would change things.
So, Minho had a little less than two hours to get ready. He got dressed, choosing a simple and cute outfit and hesitated for a moment before deciding on no make-up. He quickly brushed his hair, and once he was ready, he went to put his shoes on and left the dorm after telling Seungmin and Jeongin that he was going to the other dorm. He got a small noise of acknowledgment but that was enough for him to leave and shut the door.
He slowly walked to the other dorm, mouth dry, palms sweaty, stomach tight and heart beating irregularly. When he arrived in front of the dorm, he took three deep breaths in and out then typed the code and entered. It was quiet inside, save for a sudden yell here and there: Jisung was playing video games. Minho gently took his shoes off and went to get some water. He gulped down two glasses and finally gathered enough courage to walk to Jisung’s bedroom. He knocked on the door and entered, knowing Jisung probably couldn’t hear him if he had headphones on.
As soon as he stepped inside, Jisung spun in his desk chair and took off his headphones, giving Minho a big smile.
“Hi, hyung!” He checked his watch. “Wow, you’re right on time,” he chuckled.
“Yeah…”
Jisung’s smile faded and he tilted his head to the side. “You sound very serious, everything okay?”
Minho looked around the room, playing with his sweater paws. “I need to talk to you. Are you alone at the dorm?”
“Yeah. Channie hyung and Changbinnie hyung are out together, and Hyunjin went out with Felix,” Jisung replied.
“Okay, good.”
“Do you wanna talk here or in the living room?”
Minho considered the question for a moment and remembered Hyunjin’s advice: somewhere private where you won’t get interrupted.
“Here is good.”
“Okay. You can sit on my bed if you want,” Jisung smiled.
“Right.”
Minho went to sit on the bed, facing Jisung who gave him an encouraging smile. “So… what’s up?”
“I uh… I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while now,” Minho started. Despite the water he had drunk previously, his throat was so dry he swallowed his saliva with difficulty. “I waited because- because I didn’t think it was the right time. But now I do. I think it’s the right time.” Jisung was looking at his hyung with curiosity and a little confusion. “I- I like you, Hannie,” Minho finally said. He’d rehearsed what he wanted to say, but in the end, it wasn’t so easy. Hyunjin was much better at this than he was.
“Like me?” Jisung repeated, paling.
“Yes. I like you. More than a friend. I like you a lot, actually, and I’ve liked you for a while now,” Minho said.
“Hyung…,” Jisung whispered. He sounded sad.
And Minho realised that maybe he’d get rejected. Maybe Jisung wasn’t ready. “But- but if you want to remain friends, then that’s okay too,” he quickly added. “If you’re not ready, that’s fine. I can wait. I’ll do my very best to keep my feelings away until you’re ready. I’m fine with that.”
Jisung stared at Minho with a pained expression, tears in his eyes. “Hyung,” he said again. “Hyung, I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry…”
“Why?” Minho asked, confused, his eyes searching Jisung’s face. “I told you, it’s okay if you’re not ready-”
Jisung shook his head. “No. It’s not that.”
“Then?”
“I’m sorry, I should’ve told you before…,” Jisung said. “I feel like I’ve led you on, now. I’m a fool. Please forgive me.” Jisung took a deep breath and looked down at his hands that were scratching at the material of his sweatpants. “I uh… I can never love you like you love me, I’m sorry. I- I’m straight, hyung. I have a girlfriend. We’re going out tonight, actually…”
Minho’s world crumbled at those words, his heart dropping to his stomach and his ears ringing. It couldn’t be real, right? Jisung had to be joking, had to be pranking him, there was no way… What about the time he held Minho’s hand? What about all the flirting? What about the way he called Minho “jagi”? How foolish of him to have hoped for even one moment that Jisung would ever reciprocate his feelings… He always thought he and Jisung were close, that they shared everything- at least Minho did. How could Jisung not tell him he had a girlfriend? But then again, that wasn’t his business, right?
“Hyung?” Jisung hesitantly called out. He rolled his chair closer to Minho and attempted to take his hand, but Minho flinched and moved away from Jisung, whose expression contorted into one of hurt. “I’m sorry, hyung. I should’ve told you.”
“No…,” Minho weakly replied. “It’s okay.” He swallowed hard, willing his tears to go away. “I should- I should go.”
Minho got up, not sparing a glance towards Jisung who grabbed his wrist, stopping him. “Hyung, please, let’s talk about this,” he all but pleaded.
“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Minho said. It was getting more and more difficult to contain his tears and the lump in his throat was making it hard for him to get words out of his mouth. “I’m sorry about what I said. I shouldn’t have.”
“No, hyung,” Jisung quickly said, getting up and facing Minho who was still avoiding his eyes. “I should’ve told you, that was wrong of me. I just never thought that you meant your words and touches when you flirted with me. And I indulged and I apologise for that.”
“That’s okay, I forgive you.”
Tears filled Jisung’s eyes at Minho’s emotionless words. He gently cupped his hyung’s face and forced him to look into his eyes. “You don’t have to forgive me right now,” he said. “I understand if you need space for a while, I understand if you even hate me for a while-”
“I could never hate you,” Minho protested.
“Listen to me,” Jisung said, a tear rolling down his cheek. “This must have taken you a lot of courage and you were hoping for a much better outcome. So of course you’ll be sad and angry, maybe you’ll resent me, and I understand that. You have every right to feel this way. I’ll give you all the space you need. When you’re ready, we can be friends again, if that’s what you’d like.”
“Of course, I’d like that,” Minho said. “I don’t want our friendship to be ruined over stupid feelings.”
Jisung smiled through his tears. “Okay. I’ll wait then. Take all the time you need.”
“Thank you.”
“Can I… Can I hug you?” Jisung hesitantly asked.
“Yeah.”
Immediately, Jisung tightly wrapped his arms around Minho who weakly reciprocated the embrace, afraid to scare Jisung off by hugging him as tightly as he wished. When Jisung pulled away, Minho’s eyes were shining with tears he was fighting to swallow back. He didn’t comment on it. He simply watched Minho walk out of his bedroom, heart so heavy, it was crushing him.
When Minho closed the door, he wanted nothing but to let everything out and cry. But the front door opening stopped him from doing so. He held his breath, blinking rapidly to will his tears away and tried to look as normal as possible.
“Hey, guys! I’m back!”
Chan.
It was Chan. And that was just not good. Minho had to hide. He couldn’t possibly face his only hyung in this vulnerable state right now. Just as he was about to flee to the bathroom, Chan appeared in front of him, dimples showing and eyes shining brightly. But as soon as he saw his dongsaeng, his smile disappeared, replaced by an expression of concern.
“Lino?” he ventured. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Minho tried. He really did. But the way Chan was looking at him right now, his soft voice, the worry in his eyes, it was all too much. His chin wobbled, lips curling downwards and tears pooling in his eyes. When he met Chan’s gaze, he couldn’t hold it back anymore and Minho burst into tears.
“Minho, hey, hey…”
Chan quickly wrapped an arm around Minho and led him to the living room. He sat him on the couch and took a seat beside him, pulling him into a hug which Minho returned with full force. The boy was downright sobbing against his leader’s chest. Chan’s heart was aching : Minho never cried, or barely ever did. What could have happened that caused Minho to be in this state of distress?
Chan gently patted Minho’s back in a regular rhythm, just like his mother used to do when he was a little boy to comfort him or get him to fall asleep. His other hand was threading through Minho’s hair, while he murmured soft praises.
“You’re okay, Lino… You’re okay. Hyung’s here. Hyung’s got you, yeah? You’re safe.”
Soothed by the gentle words, Minho slowly calmed down, his sobs quieting down and turning into soft sniffles and hiccups. Minho dried his eyes and cheeks, wiping them harshly and pulling away from Chan’s gentle hug. He avoided his hyung’s gaze as he tried to gather himself, his cheeks red from all his crying but also from embarrassment. He tried to get up, but Chan, knowing his dongsaeng too well, grabbed Minho’s arm, stopping him.
“Minho, hey,” he said softly. “You’re distressed, don’t go. Talk to me?”
Minho pressed his lips together, staring at the ground, playing with his fingers and hesitated for a moment. “It’s nothing, hyung,” he finally said. “I’m just tired.”
“Min, you never cry. If you do, it’s for a serious reason,” Chan insisted. “You don’t cry because you’re tired.” There was a small silence. Minho knew Chan was right. “Did someone hurt you, Min?”
“No,” the younger whispered.
“Are you sure?”
“No.”
“Okay. Tell me who hurt you. If it’s serious like that, I need to tell our manager-”
“It’s not like that,” Minho interrupted. “He didn’t mean to hurt me. I was foolish.”
Chan looked at Minho, eyebrows furrowed, trying to decipher what the younger meant but to no avail. “What do you mean ‘he’?”
“Nevermind. I’m sorry for crying like that,” Minho said and quickly got up before Chan could protest. “I need to go. I need some peace and quiet.”
Chan never got to meet Minho’s eyes, as his gaze remained firmly on the ground. He didn’t try to stop him this time and sadly watched Minho walk away to the front door.
Minho quickly put on his shoes and got up, ready to go, when the door was flung open, revealing a happy Hyunjin. However, as soon as he saw Minho, his smile dropped immediately. He didn’t need to ask. He didn’t say anything. He simply put his bag down and carefully took Minho’s hand, gently pulling him along with him.
It was only once they stepped outside that Minho gasped, realising just how much he needed the fresh air. He closed his eyes, lifting his head up towards the sky, his hand never leaving Hyunjin’s. He remained in this position for a few seconds, then opened his eyes and looked back at the ground. He couldn’t fathom what just happened. His heart was utterly broken. If Jisung was gay, then at least Minho could’ve hoped that one day Jisung would reciprocate his feelings. But now, not only had his heart been broken, his hopes had been completely shattered.
It hurt. It hurt so bad. Minho had no idea it could hurt this much. It was suffocating, his chest feeling constricted, and the more Minho thought about it, the more that overwhelming feeling settled in his heart, making the boy’s head spin. He didn’t realise he was gripping Hyunjin’s hand tightly until Hyunjin winced and spoke.
“Hyungie,” he said softly. “Do you wanna go for a walk or do you wanna go home?”
Minho looked at Hyunjin who softly smiled. “I… I wanna go home.”
“Okay. Let’s go then.”
Hyunjin gently tugged on Minho’s hand and the two started walking towards the other dorm without saying another word.
When they reached the dorm, Minho let go of Hyunjin’s hand and typed the code before opening the door and toeing his shoes off, Hyunjin doing the same. Minho cleared his throat.
“Thank you, Hyunjinnie,” he quietly said, not looking up. “You can go now.”
“Hyung, let me at least get you some tea or something,” Hyunjin tried.
Minho finally looked up and glared at Hyunjin. “I don’t need your pity,” he said. “I’m fine. Now go.”
“Okay,” Hyunjin whispered, ignoring the way Minho’s words stung. He turned around and put his shoes back on, glancing at Minho quickly and leaving.
Minho watched Hyunjin go and sighed. He regretted being harsh to him, and in all honesty, he wished Hyunjin had fought more and had insisted to stay and take care of him. He wished to hold Hyunjin’s hand again, to get that warm cup of tea, maybe a blanket? Just Hyunjin’s presence, really. For a moment, Minho considered calling Hyunjin to apologise and ask him to come back, but at the same time, his throat and heart were aching and he knew he would just cry.
Deciding against it, Minho went to his bedroom, closed the door, got changed, and lay down on his bed, curling into a small ball and letting his tears fall freely. He ignored the knocks on his door, ignored Felix calling out his name and begging him to come out, ignored Jeongin who tried to lure him out with food, ignored the way Seungmin told him he had to get dinner at least Minho remained in the position for a long time. His eyes were dry now, but his heart was still so painful.
He hated himself for reacting this way, it was pitiful. So he had been rejected, so what? He had to move on. He had to get his shit together, keep going and act like nothing had happened. But- but this was Jisung. Jisung whom he loved, for whom he was ready to do anything, Jisung who had held his hand and called him “jagi”... Jisung. Minho had no idea heartbreak could hurt so much.
After a few hours, Minho finally fell asleep, heart heavy, head pounding and eyes burning. When morning came, he groaned when he could barely open his sore eyes and his body was hurting all over. He considered going back to sleep, wanting to forget reality and stay unconscious until his heart healed, but a soft knock on his door forced him to open his eyes and answer.
“Yes?”
He surprised himself with how hoarse his voice was and cleared his throat a few times.
“Hyung, breakfast is ready, we need to be in the practice room in one hour,” Felix said through the door.
“I’m coming, Yongbok.”
Minho pushed the blanket away from his body and got up, staggering when he suddenly felt lightheaded. Right. He hadn’t eaten for too long. He needed to get some food in his empty stomach. He quickly got dressed and went to the kitchen.
“Hyung, good morning!” Felix said with a bright smile.
“Morning,” Minho replied, trying to smile as well. He pressed his lips together when he realised he couldn’t, and went to pour himself some coffee and sat down next to Jeongin, grabbing some food.
“We were worried about you, yesterday, hyung,” the maknae said. “You weren’t answering and you didn’t eat at all.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“It’s okay, hyung,” Seungmin replied. “But… did something happen? I saw Hyunjin coming out of our dorm yesterday, and he looked like he was about to cry…”
That hit Minho right in the heart. He had hurt Hyunjin. He needed to apologise.
“Hyung?”
“Sorry. I’m fine,” Minho quietly said. “I uh… nevermind. It’s nothing.”
Felix was about to say something but Seungmin shook his head and the boy closed his mouth. The four of them finished their breakfast in silence and headed to the car waiting for them to drive them to the company building.
When they arrived, Minho was quick to head to the practice room. He opened the door and let out a small sigh of relief when he saw Hyunjin already there, stretching. Minho walked up to him and cleared his throat, catching the younger’s attention.
“Hyunjin-ah,” Minho said softly. Hyunjin was looking at his hyung like a kicked puppy. “I’m sorry about what I said yesterday.”
Hyunjin looked down, a tiny smile tugging at his lip. “It’s fine, hyung,” he replied, catching Minho’s unsure eyes. “You were hurting. I understand.” Minho nodded and took a step away from Hyunjin. “Hyung,” Hyunjin called, stopping Minho in his tracks. The older turned around and face his dongsaeng. “I don’t pity you.” I care about you , he almost said.
“Thank you.”