Chapter Text
One of Sanji’s first memories was of the sterile lab walls and strange men in scrubs. He was crying, pleading for them to stop only for his father to tell them to sedate him. When he awoke there were tests of strength, stamina, and speed to see if the operation had finally awakened his enhancements. During every assessment there were several constants, his siblings excelled, and Sanji was downright terrified. Unlike his siblings, none of the superhuman modifications appeared during testing. Sanji was branded a failure.
But after Wano, after Sanji’s body was contorted and broken yet fixed in seconds and Queen's sword shattered upon hitting his neck, they had finally awakened. For years little Sanji hoped and wished that he had enhancements like his siblings, maybe then the pain would stop and his father would look upon him with pride instead of disdain. Now though, Sanji knew. It was a curse. His mother sacrificed her life for the slim chance that one of her sons would be human. At Whole Cake Island while guilty that his mother died for him, for the first time Sanji didn’t feel like so much of a failure. But since he awakened his modifications, she died for nothing. In Sanji’s mind, this was his fault. He tried to ignore his guilt, he helped his friends, he helped his captain, and this power helps him protect his nakama. A week later he broke.
It started with a regular occurrence on the Sunny, a distraction.
While doing his routine knife sharpening Sanji hears a yell from the deck,
“I GOT ONE! SANJI COOK IT PLEASE!” it’s a normal request from his captain but Sanji was so absorbed in his work he misaligned the blade and hits his finger forcefully with the butcher knife. His knife dents and his stomach sinks to the floor.
Oh god, it wasn’t just in fights he’s like them all the time now.
He’s got to snap out of it, nothing’s wrong he’s fine. There's no need to worry his crew any more than he already has. Shakily Sanji responds,
“Sure Luffy I’ll cook it for dinner.” After hearing a joyous cheer from his captain, Sanji looks at his finger. There doesn’t seem to be any difference, but just slightly in the light, Sanji sees a thin line. It’s barely there, so much so that it could just be his imagination. But he hopes, oh he hopes, that maybe he can still bleed. Maybe he’s still human. Maybe his mother’s wish was granted for one of her sons. He needs a sharper blade.
The rest of the day goes about as normal and dinner is served. Luffy and Chopper are absorbed in one of Usopp’s many stories. Nami and Robin are talking about their plans and hopes for the next island. Franky, Brook and Jinbei are discussing different technology and music fishmen use, and Zoro’s drinking his sake and listening intently.
Sanji’s family is all around the table enjoying their meal; everything is great. Right? Yet all Sanji can think of is his iron skin. How can he fix it? Can he still bleed? Will his emotions leave too? How can he prove he’s human? It’s a bad idea but it still crosses his mind.
Maybe if he hurts himself, and makes himself bleed he can prove he’s still human.
That night he volunteers to keep watch.
Sanji can’t let his crew see this, it’s his own problem. After everything he did to his captain and his crew, he’s surprised they even let him back. He won’t make it worse. He just needs to fix himself and make sure he’s not a Vinsmoke.
Looking through his knife collection Sanji chooses one of his small precision blades, his spare paring knife. He methodically cleans and sharpens the blade leaving it sharp enough to cut paper. For a minute he just stares at the blade, its black handle, its dark steel glinting in the dim kitchen light. You know, his helmet was the same colour.
The dungeon is cold. It’s dark, dreary, and foreboding, leaving Sanji alone in his melancholy. He wants his mom. He wants his dad-
“Unlike your siblings, you have no talent!”
“King-sama said he wanted to pretend that Sanji-sama was never born.”
“Your mother is dead!!”
Sanji doesn’t want his dad.
Huddled in the corner, Sanji wondered if it was better being here without any brothers to beat him, or fathers who look upon him with apathy. For the first time since his mother died, he can finally relax without worrying about incoming pain. His family are monsters with their abilities and cruelty but he loves them; wants to be like them if only for him to be shown a margin of kindness. Maybe Sanji doesn’t deserve to be happy, to be loved; maybe Sanji’s better off alone.
His life was hell, but he got out. Escaped. Ran. Sanji ended up becoming a chef precisely as he had hoped. He found friends, kind people, exactly like Reiju said he would. As he stands in his dream kitchen staring at the knife he channels his will to be human, to stay with his nakama, to keep his mother alive in spirit. The blade turns black with Sanji’s haki. Slowly he touches the blade to the bare skin on his forearm presses down with as much force as he can muster, and pulls.
It’s a relief to see blood drip down his arm. It’s deep red just like it used to be. Sanji can feel it it hurts, but in a good way. It’s addicting. As if in a trance he continues, one line, two, three. The sink’s a mess an abundance of his blood coats the stainless steel. He feels somewhat sick at knowing he did that, caused that. It needs to be cleaned now. Despite the blood and the massacre of his once pristine kitchen, Sanji feels better. It’s as if a weight’s been lifted off his shoulders. He’s still human.
After cleaning his wound and sterilizing the kitchen, Sanji looks over the ocean and keeps watch for the remainder of the night with a smile on his face.
Breakfast in the morning is a feast. Sanji makes every breakfast dish he can think of, from pancakes and waffles with bacon and sausages to poached eggs with smoked salmon covered in hollandaise. He even got breakfast sake for Zoro. Waking up the crew with the smell of his new creations is always a treat if only so he can see his nakama’s faces light up. As always Luffy comes barreling in first; stomach growling with sparkles in his eyes,
“FOOOOD!” He cheers and dives in to eat his weight in meat. Immediately after everyone else files in.
“It smells amazing Sanji-kun!” He swoons at his beloved navigator's complement. “Anything for you Nami-swan~”. The crew quickly all get situated and begin enjoying his cooking. Chopper pours an excessive amount of syrup on his pancakes. Sporting a small pleased smile, Robin has a sandwich with her coffee.
“This is SUPER!” Franky exclaims, enjoying his breakfast burger. “It’s a feast for the eyes, not that I have eyes, yohohoho!” Brook says.
Everyone’s enjoying themselves. And Sanji feels. Oh, he feels. He feels joy, warmth and love. The cuts on his arm may have healed already but it’s enough to know they were there. He can still have this. He’s still Sanji and he still has his nakama. It’s then his captain directs his signature sunshine smile toward him and says “Thanks Sanji!”. Looking at his crew, his family, he thinks it was a one-off, he fixed himself and now he can just enjoy being with the people he loves.
The illusion shatters a day later.
The Marines found them again. It’s only been a week or so since Wano, but their bounties when up astronomically so it’s not too surprising. The waters are calm, and the sky is filled with thunderclouds courtesy of Nami. They seem to be a regular group of Marines none more skilled than the average person able to survive the New World, it’s the sheer number that’s concerning. Oh, they can handle it, easily, but trying to fight without damaging the Sunny requires more precision than usual.
That's how Sanji finds himself battling around ten people at once. After using his party table kick course again, Sanji thinks he’s done it. Briefly, he glances at Nami, Usopp and Chopper to make sure their self-proclaimed weak members are alright.
Only for someone to shoot him point-blank in the head.
Did a bug just fly into me?
But Sanji heard a gunshot, he's sure he did. Is everyone okay? Who got shot? All the Marines around him are gawking at him. Shit was that bug a bullet? It was just a regular gun, any armament haki could have blocked it. But, Sanji wasn’t using haki; it was just his body. He can hear the whispers, the questions, but Sanji can’t spiral now he’s still in a fight.
He’s got to beat them before he panics before the crew notices something off. Maybe the bullet just grazed him; he just felt the wind move. The flat bullet contradicts this, but Sanji doesn’t care. Focusing on the fight Sanji finishes them off with a few Diable Jambes.
Luffy and the others seem to be done with their fights as well and after a well-timed Coup de Burst, they can't even see the Marine’s ship.
Now Chopper’s running around making sure everyone’s okay. Luffy, Zoro, Franky, Brook and Jinbei are all uninjured, Nami and Usopp seem to be more distraught by the enemies than anything. And Robin only has a small bruise from one larger marine who she held down with her ability only for them to fall hard on her extended arms. When it’s finally Sanji’s turn he quickly informs Chopper, “I’m completely uninjured Doctor.”
“You calling me doctor doesn’t make me happy at all you bastard ~” Chopper says as he dances joyfully.
Believing he’s in the clear, Sanji jumps a little when Robin says,
“Excuse me, Sanji-san I’m sure I saw someone shoot you, are you sure you're okay?” Attempting to look casual Sanji replies,
“Thank you for your concern Robin-chan, but the bullet didn’t hit me I dodged it in time.”
Perhaps it's the slight waver in his voice or that he didn’t say chwan, but Robin doesn’t look too convinced. If he looked closely at Luffy and Zoro there was a glint in their eyes that says they were worried. The other’s seemed satisfied.
“Well, I should start dinner so if you have any requests-”
“MEAT!”, “Cotton candy!”
“I’ll be in the kitchen.” Sanji finishes with a grin pulling at his lip.
Once alone, Sanji sits by the counter puts his hands in his hair and pulls. He knows he was shot, but he could barely even feel it. Before in Wano when he was shot it hurt a little, was it because he was tired or is it getting worse? He needs to feel, he needs his emotions, his humanity, his kindness. Otherwise is he even still human?