Chapter Text
I know it’s not real, and when it’s light and busy and noisy out there I know it never will b’, and that’s almost ok. But at night, when it’s quiet and I’m in my cell, alone, the fantasy of him comin’ to me feels more real than most things these days.
He comes through the door, pushin’ aside the bedsheet I use for a curtain, smilin’ at me, only me. I smile back, not like I usually do, all sideways glances and nervous like, but a real smile, where my eyes smile too and I know he can understand my feelings just by looking at my face. The smile that tells him I’m his, forever.
When I get to that bit of the fantasy my hands begin to slide down my chest, over my shirt, cuz I never take that off. They find the buttons on my pants, cuz most nights they stay on, too, when I go to bed. Buttons undone, one hand wanders in, one rests on my belly, right on the skin, shirt pushed up.
In my head he’s come into the cell all the way now, eyes still on me. He sits on the narrow bunk next to me, careful not to hit his head. In this fantasy we don’t talk, though I know what I’d say to him. I’d tell I‘im, with words I could never find or use in the daytime, how much I have waited for that moment, how much I want him. How good it feels to have him here, cuz I’ve been so fuckin’ lonely.
All this, even in my own fantasy, I can never say, but somehow, I don’t have to, he just knows.
I’m hard now, all the way, and as I start strokin’ myself slowly I close my eyes, and in my mind he leans down and kisses me, all tender like. I’ve never been kissed like that in my life, so I need to use my imagination a lot here. For me, it’s only ever been quick fucks behind sleazy bars, in some revoltin’ public toilet, or out in the woods. Usually there’d be no kissin’ at all, not least cuz I’m so bad at initiating things, demandin’ what I want. What I would have wanted, more of’en than not, is someone who was nice, and gentle. But bein’ what I am, I usually had to take what I could get, and that’s usually rough. It‘s ok, I deserve it.
From kissin’ we move on to touchin’. He undoes my shirt buttons and I sit up halfway, let him push the shirt off my shoulders. In my fantasy, I have no scars, no reason to hide my back, or my past. I can bear to feel him touch me all over, and he does so, and my arms are covered in gooseflesh for real, here, alone, in my cell.
My hand speeds up then, I can feel the arousal mounting behind my belly button and wriggle out of my pants halfway. Never more, just in case someone needs me in a hurry. The night air is cool against my heated skin and I can’t suppress a shudder. It’ll slow me down some, the cold, but that’s ok with me, I’m enjoyin’ the fantasy. No need to rush things.
He kisses my chest, touches the hair there, gently, fingers cool against warm skin. I love this sensation, his calloused fingers so soft on me. Impossible difference, so kind and careful, with me, with Judith, but I know what else these hands can do. Of course, it’s just in my head that he feels like dis, but somehow, I’m sure it’s true.
He bites my nipples, then, sucks and plays with them, and I slip my hand further up my shirt, try to mimic the sensation. Then I let that hand join the other down below, cradlin’ my balls. I’m closecloseclose now.
In fantasies ya can do whatever ya want, of course, so I have him lyin’ on top of me next, bare chested, then completely naked. I can feel him press against me, his erection against my hip bone, hard but smooth.
This is my favorite bit, imaginin’ feelin’ him so close, weighin’ me down, keepin’ me from driftin’ away. Cuz that, sometimes, is my biggest fear. I still feel like leavin’ too often, and it scares me. But then I think of this, of him, and I know I won’. I tried to go with Merle, and it would have been the biggest mistake of my life, had we stayed away. I can never leave, no’ him, no’ the kids, and it’s not really a joyful feelin’. It’s scary as hell, too. Mostly, tho I know this is where I belong, with him, and my feelings for him, even if they will be one-sided forever, show me this is right.
He looks into my eyes for a long time, stroking my face, gaze so gentle, so full o’ love. He loves me, I know it then, in my fantasy, and it hurts, that that’s all it is. But then I imagine him shiftin’, gettin’ ready to fuck me, and this is the best feeling, that anticipation.
My hand speeds up again as I imagine him enterin’ me, and I suppress a groan. I’m so close, but I want to make this last.
Cuz it’s not real it never hurts, and we don’t need lube to fuck. He knows how to do it right to give me pleasure, of course, since this is my head’s version of Rick. He goes slow when I need him to, faster when I’m ready.
Sometimes I use my fingers at this point, to make it feel more real, to stimulate my prostate. It’s not the same as bein’ penetrated, of course, cuz your fingers can never give you that feelin’ of bein’ filled up by someone else, of bein’ consumed, of connectin’. This time, I don’t need them anyway.
I can imagine perfectly, what it feels like, him hitting my sweet spot. He pulls out, and enters me ‘gain, repeats this a few times, until I’m tremblin’. Then he stays in, stays very still, while I feel stretched just right, around him, with him. I’m crestin’ the top of the wave now.
My hands have stopped, but pick up their rhythm ‘gain now. My fingers tighten, pull, squeeze my balls. I won’t last a minute now, whatever I do, so while I adjust my hands on myself until the sensation is perfect I look at his face in my mind, imagine his eyes on me as I draw closer to the climax. There’s lust in those eyes, but also the things I see in them every day. Trust, fondness, friendship. Real concern, like nobody’s ever shown me in my life before I met him.
Cuz thats Rick. He is what I never had before. A real brother, who loves my no matter what. A friend who has my back. Family that actually cares what happens to me. When ‘m at this poin’ in my fantasy I always remember the real connection I have with him, and don’t feel so much like there needs to be more between us. I have his real affection by day, and if I fantasize about him at night it don’t hurt nobody.
My fantasy draws to a close when he moves ‘gain, small movements now, not much is needed. He leans down and kisses me, once, then stays low as we both edge closer and closer. I feel it, the moment orgasm becomes inevitable and my fingers tighten, and in my mind, I tighten around him. I come, and come, and come, and so does he, and it’s perfect.
I stay still, my breathing the only sound I make, until my cum starts to feel cool on my hands and belly. I reach down to where a couple rags are hidden under the bed for that purpose and clean up. Once my clothes are back in order I turn over, facing the wall. I feel sleepy now. This was perfect.
Or it would’ve been, had it been real.