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carlos wasn’t exactly sure why tk wasn’t back at the loft yet, but boy, did he want his husband home now. he knew logically that tk was at work finishing up his job like he needed to, but it didn’t feel fair to the emotional part of him. and yeah one could call him a control freak, tell him to calm down, and just say he needed to man up and wait like an adult, but that was exactly the problem. he didn’t feel like an adult. with the amount of anxious energy he had going, he knew that the whole idea of being an “adult” was slipping from his fingers (which was not appreciated in the given moment).
carlos was currently in his comfiest sweatpants, tag-teamed with one of tk’s biggest sweatshirts. yeah, the sweatshirt he’d chosen was baggy even on him. but that’s just it. he’d wanted it to be big on purpose. had his husband been home by now, the whole ‘being-swaddled-in-a-huge sweatshirt-like-he-was-wearing-his-dad’s-clothes’ thing would’ve been no big deal. it would have been perfect the more he thought about it. sitting criss-cross on the couch in the living room would have also been the perfect thing when his lover came home. but alas, no matter how much he thought about how perfect his situation could have been, it just wasn’t going to be. he hated this, a lot.
he had been really looking forward to seeing tk actually. and no, not for the reasons their friends always thought they were, thank you very much. carlos had all but melted at the proposition he got hours ago about staying in for the evening and repeating tk’s new ‘method’ of getting him to relax. his husband (he still couldn’t believe it), his lovely and very handsome husband, had found him a way of getting out of his head, something that didn’t end with the two of them in bed sweaty and gross. he knew tk had done hours and hours worth of research on the whole thing if the progress and success they’d had so far was any indication. he couldn’t quite describe what they were doing, but it made him what he would label ‘overly emotional’ and ‘very clingy’. though he couldn’t deny it was helping him navigate the other hole in his heart that he’d gotten recently.
the grief of losing his dad still lingered, even though the weeks had begun to pass. carlos felt like he got doused with hot oil every time someone said they were sorry about his loss. it always ended with hot tears and a burning throat after. it always ended with a shaky body and a mighty fine few years’ worth of emotional burdens bubbling over. to him it was just another wound he would need to heal on his own in private; his spouse, friends, and family had none of it obviously. carlos had been given a longer break from work, which totaled up to a decent amount of time with his honeymoon time included. a lot of time to get back into his own head, which was sort of happening.
he just didn’t like how much crying he was doing.
the whole thing felt like he was being hypnotized, but being hypnotized never felt this freeing. being taken care of in ways carlos never considered he’d needed was a revelation and a half. he couldn’t recall the name of this ‘method’ but it was getting to a point where he didn’t even need tk to begin the process.
he’d start with getting dressed in a comfy outfit, which was sometimes picked out by tk. he’d gotten dressed on his own this time, which was fine.
then the two would move into the living room to sit on the couch, carlos sitting crisscrossed while facing tk. he was sitting the way he usually did, but there was no tk; that wasn’t ok.
then tk would talk to carlos in sweet and soothing words that left him squirmy with love; he’d hold carlos’ face in his hands too, hold his hands a bit, and pepper little kisses all over his face.
and sometime between the love and gentle touches, carlos would feel himself beginning to float. he would feel fuzzy at the corners and, dare he say, smaller, in his big adult body.
and both boys would know when he’d finally gotten to that stage of pure thoughts and tender emotions when carlos would begin to cry. he’d cry, and tk would coo at him before giving him more of the love he deserved.
carlos felt way along the timeline of their process, but now, he was all alone.
there was no one to ground him when he started to float toward a bad part of his mind. no one was holding his hand or playing with his hair. no one was giving him the little toys and things tk had bought for him, the items that he sought refuge in from his big emotions. no one was reassuring him that it was ok to cry, that even big boys needed to cry sometimes. he felt hopelessly alone, and very very small.
he felt like he was dropping instead of flying, falling into something much more negative. rather than giggling at something that was said or done, he felt like ripping out his own hair. instead of crying to feel better, he was on the edge of drowning in tears that made him feel worse. it felt like being ripped open from his rib cage, being dropped into ice-cold water, being shot through the heart. carlos felt like he was dying himself, just like his father.
the offhanded image of dying with his father while being so mentally spacey had him suddenly balling up his hands and flailing his arms before he let out a loud sob. he scared himself with his own wailing at first, which made him cry harder. everything was so frightening and scary. he hit the couch with his fists before he slammed the heels of his hands down onto his thighs. he felt the urge to move, to run away from the stupid couch that was supposed to be a safe haven for this whole thing.
despite his legs feeling like they didn’t belong to him, he shot up and tried to make a getaway to the bedroom. carlos didn’t even recall wearing socks till he slid over a spot on the floors, and landed flat on his ass. he sat there, stunned for a second before he ultimately decided in his state that the fall had scared him too. his bottom lip trembled and his eyes filled with new tears, but he didn’t make a sound. carlos didn’t dare move for a few seconds, believing that if no one saw him fall, maybe it wasn’t so scary.
it was just his luck that the door to the loft was being unlocked a few moments later.
carlos snapped his head over to said door before he began to shake. he whined from deep in his chest and harshly kicked his legs out in extreme distress. the stress and fear of being seen in such an embarrassing place had him spiraling. maybe it wasn’t even tk at the door. that thought instilled copious amounts of agony that he didn’t need. before the person could even fully open the door, carlos put his sweatshirt-pawed hands over his eyes; he intended to hide from the door perpetrator.
before he could try to harmfully snap himself out of his headspace, he heard someone toeing their shoes off and walking towards his spot on the floor.
his spine went stiff. a nasty part of him knew he probably looked like a mess sitting there on the floor, snot on his face and tears on his cheeks. he knew he probably looked incredibly childish trying to hide with his hands. he hated the judgment he was getting from no one in particular.
he whimpered when he heard a loving voice coming from somewhere in front of him, someone quietly trying to soothe him with their presence. he knew only one person who could do so, flawlessly.
carlos heard tk’s knees carefully hit the floor, signaling that he was there, but just giving the other some space.
“shhhhhh, it’s ok baby.”
he couldn’t help but slowly move his hands away so he could see his husband.
he saw nothing but love in his eyes. the sight made him ache for help.
“there he is.” a little smile from tk.
he was about to shatter.
“hi little guy, i missed you so much today”
carlos was gone.
tk had a big handful of the other Strand-Reyes moments after his kind words. chest heaving sobs were heard from his husband while a suffocating hug was held. all he could do was rub a gentle hand up and down carlos’ back while just holding him close. he wasn’t really sure what had happened in the minutes before he got home, but it was obvious that carlos had had a bad drop into littlespace. and he felt terrible that he wasn’t there to be with him.
carlos may have been fully grown in his body, but he was very young in his mind right now. tk knew this and knew that he’d need to get his baby all settled before he could ask what was wrong.
the pair didn’t move for a while. tk knew carlos’ legs had to be hurting just like his, but that wasn’t fully important. carlos finally calmed down a bit, only having a few stuttering inhales now and then, maybe a few whimpers that got soothed by little kisses on the nose and coos of comfort. tk wanted to get him in some nighttime protection and a sippy cup of warm milk in his hands, but they’d need to move, which means they’d need to at least communicate a little bit.
he didn’t want to push, especially if carlos was nonverbal, so he’d try to ask yes or no questions. he gently got carlos to at least end the hug, but offered him the front of his own sweatshirt as something to hold.
“did something happen while i was gone baby?”
a nod.
“did something scare you?”
the little hesitated, but nodded with new tears. tk used his sleeves to wipe them away while still giving carlos plenty of love.
“aw honey, i’m so sorry”
carlos just shrugged weakly.
“no really, i wish i could’ve been here, but i guess we can’t change that hm? i promise i’ll make it up to you.”
they locked eyes for a moment.
“you got little all by yourself, yeah?”
carlos made very half-hearted attempts at getting out of tk’s grasp at the truth, hating how it was true. he got tender shushes in return and a kiss on the forehead. tk also rearranged them so the little one now sat in his lap, both still ultimately remaining on the floor.
“you’re kind of far from the couch, love. did you need to use the bathroom?”
it was a fair question; the bathroom wasn’t too far from the living room. carlos though, was humiliated by the question. his cheeks burned while he shook his head.
“ok, alright, it’s ok if you did ‘los. there’s no shame in that.”
carlos looked off into the distance, cheeks still pink. he was a bit fussy for a second before calming down again.
“did you want your blankey from the bedroom?”
he shook his head again, but was not opposed to the idea of his blanket. his eyes got wide when he looked back to tk, silently indicating that while that wasn’t the original intention, he really really wanted his ‘blankey’. he balled his hands into fists again and shook them a bit just to show how much he wanted to hold it.
“i gotcha, i gotcha, we can get your blankey soon i promise,” tk softly laughed at carlos’ enthusiasm.
for the first time this evening, carlos gave a little smile back.
“but i’m still curious on how you got over here, buddy. do you wanna let me in on the secret of what happened?”
there wasn’t a single ounce of judgment in his voice. carlos assumed he was genuinely curious, and though his smile dropped, he spoke meek words after a few moments.
“i w’s upset”
“with what, love?”
“s’ scary, ‘n my head”
that was the last thing tk admittedly wanted to hear. in his heart he’d hoped by introducing age regression to carlos, that it would help him work through some grief; but gosh, he never intended for him to get scared from it. tk would dwell more on it later, but in the given moment, he could give himself reassurance that no, the healing wasn’t going to be immediate; he knew age regression was not going to help carlos work through everything. he was just glad it had been helping his husband at all really. seeing carlos play and feel his emotions so freely was something tk had come to treasure.
tk figured he took a second too long to reply since carlos continued on.
“got up too fas’, an’ ‘en i fell”
the caregiver gave the little another moment of silence to collect his thoughts, all while he rubbed his thumb on the other’s hand.
“i got, uh, embar,,,,bear,,”
“embarrassed?”
“mhm”
“it’s ok ‘los, everyone falls sometimes”
a blush covered carlos’ cheeks again.
“hey, it’s true, even i fall. nancy falls, mateo falls, michelle falls-“
“judd?”
“haha yeah,” tk couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at the mental picture of it, “yeah, even big, tough, cowboy judd falls sometimes.”
he gave himself brownie points for the little giggle he got from his baby.
“and whenever you fall,” tk said as he carefully set carlos back down on the floor.
“you just gotta get back-“
he quickly got to his feet and grabbed carlos’ hands.
“up!!”
tk pulled carlos up and off the floor, the latter giggling on his way up. he leaned into tk a bit when on his feet, feeling a bit like a baby fawn learning to walk. he soon nuzzled into his caregiver’s neck a bit while re-wrapping his arms around him. the gesture was gratefully returned.
“there’s the sweet little carlos i know. now that we’re off the floor, how does a diaper sound to you? we can grab your blankey afterward, and go lay in bed if you’d like?”
carlos was so spent from everything, and tk’s words sounded so lovely. some other time he would’ve had the energy to be a bit more embarrassed about the diaper part, but in the given moment of pure exhaustion in his bones, it sounded nice.
carlos nodded yes in agreement with everything.
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the boys were settled in bed later that evening when carlos felt some of the negative energy from before coming back. he was under the covers while watching a cartoon with tk on his laptop when he got a bit squirmy. tk half figured the wiggles were from carlos just downing a sippy cup of milk, but was proven wrong when the little burrowed his face into his chest and began to cry.
no words were needed for tk to connect that carlos just needed some love and reassurance to bring him back. he reached over to his nightstand and grabbed a pacifier while his other hand patted carlos on the back a little bit. he made sure carlos had his blankey before he carefully maneuvered him to lay chest to chest with him, chin resting on his sternum.
carlos looked to tk with his signature ‘cow eyes’. it made tk melt a little inside to see the love and admiration coming from his partner.
carlos was soon wholly content with the pacifier in his mouth, his blanket in his hands, and tk’s fingers playing with his hair. tk made sure to ruffle it in a particular way a bit too since he and carlos had had a conversation once about how when he was younger, gabriel had done that with his hair all the time. he’d catch carlos by surprise, take off his son's cowboy hat if he had one, and ruffle his hair before quickly making his getaway. tk remembers how much carlos cried that night, looking at endless photos and sharing precious stories of the father and son together.
tk knew he was no gabriel reyes, and he also knew that carlos would forever miss his father. he just hoped he could honor gabriel’s memory, that just maybe, he was already honoring him by taking care of the little boy that he’d left back on earth. carlos had once said that he could sometimes tell that the overwhelming amount of love he felt for tk was coming from gwen; tk now understood the feeling, having peace that maybe his overwhelming love and need to protect carlos back was coming from gabriel.