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There's something so numbing about when you're supposed to be happy. When everything is good at the moment, you should smile, you should be okay with your life. But it doesn't work. That there's something nagging in the back of your head telling you it'll never be okay, that it's getting bad again.
Buck knew this feeling all too well. It always got bad again after Halloween, it was his favorite holiday and then the rest of the year until the sun came back out was hell. Now living in Los Angeles, the depression hit bad still, it just didn't seem to always be because of the winter. The winters here weren't like they were in Pennsylvania. They don't get snow, it hardly gets cold enough anymore. It should make his depression better right? More sun and fewer dark days... if only.
It's only September, mid-September at that, he and Natalia broke up less than a week ago. Eddie was busy with his new girlfriend and Chris... Bobby and Athena were on their cruise. Chim and Maddie had Jee-Yun and we're just starting to piece their relationship together again. Karen and Hen were happy together and had Denny and the foster kids to worry about. Even Ravi had his family he was visiting and now Evan Buckley sat alone in his empty apartment... again. Just like he always ends up doing. It was so quiet, that a lot of people yearned for it. After a loud crazy day, or having their kids bother them all day, they'd love to have this quiet.
For Buck, it was more like a numbing sensation that he couldn't stand. He didn't have the energy to watch TV, his phone just reminded him of how lonely he was. No one texted him to see how he was doing, no one reached out to him to make plans. It was always him doing the reaching out. If he wanted social interaction he'd have to be the one to extend his arm out.
He finally glanced at his phone. 7:20 pm. How long had he been lying there? It feels like an hour ago he got off work at 4 pm. He sighed at the annoying thoughts in his head. Maybe Eddie and Chris would like to go see a movie tonight... anything to get his mind off things.
' Hey you and Chris want to go to a movie or get dinner... I'll pay :)'
Eddie's reply came fast but it stabbed him into the gut more.
'Busy. Marisol and I are out. Sorry'
He nodded to himself, locking his phone screen and laying his head back down. That's right, it's fine... he's busy he doesn't care, he never wanted to be with you.....
Finally, close to ten-thirty his head started to hurt. He swore he could hear the sound of air molecules splitting. The silence was painful to his head, He dry swallowed realizing he needed water. He's not been eating much lately but is also dehydrated as all hell.
He pulled himself up out of bed and got a glass of water, gripping the sides of the glass tightly as if his whole world was slipping away. He just spaced out looking at the tiles in his kitchen. The only sound was now his water dispenser gurgling and at this point, he was grateful for that.
'Do it'
'You're exhausting'
'We all have our own problems'
'Do it'
'No one cares, they all left you'
"No... we are past that, he doesn't think that" Buck finally spoke out loud
It's been years since that. They'd gotten over the lawsuit... Eddie was just upset with him? He didn't.. think.. he was exhausting.
‘You deserve it’
Or maybe that explains it, he was exhausting. He was annoying to all of them. He didn't belong with them. He'd be better off dead
'DO IT'
"OKAY" Buck spun around and yelled down the hallway at nothing
Letting the glass slip from his hands, the water and glass shattered everywhere. Eddie Diaz said all those years ago that the universe doesn't scream, but god it felt like it was screaming now.
Buck glanced down at the shattered glass. No, the ridges are too random, it'll never do. He fumbled around in his junk drawer in the kitchen. Finding the box cutter replacement blades he'd bought years ago.
It had been years since he thought of relapsing, the last time was right after said lawsuit. When he felt this alone again, the universe wasn't so loud though. It had been superficial cuts, just a reminder of why they hated him, why he deserved to bleed.
'Do it'
He seemed to hear it from his bathroom. He stumbled over the glass shatters, filling his tub with water. He rocked back and forth staring into the water filling. He enjoyed the sound of water. He closed his eyes and pretended that it was the ocean. He use to love the ocean, until the tsunami at least.
Buck laid down in the bath, still clothed with a t-shirt and sleep shorts. He took the first blade out and ran it over his arms as many times as he could, not pressing hard enough yet to do any damage... the water changed to a tangy orange color. He smiled for the first time in days. For once, he was happy, he dug the blade in hard. Ripping at the skin in two or three places and watched it drip out fast. The last deep cut he saw white fat from inside his skin. He went quickly to his other arm, repeating the process.
He looked at the 118's group chat as the tub's color got darker and darker red. He felt the fuzzy warmth starting to grow. He started sobbing looking back at all the memories.
Taking a new razor he dug in deep again, twice on his arm and again on his legs. His vision getting blurry, and somehow he didn't realize it, he clicked on Hens contact, dialing her number.
"Hey Buck what's up? It's almost midnight is everything okay?" He heard
"H-en, I'm d-ead?" He muttered laying back looking at the bright light on his ceiling.
Was it his bathroom light? Or was it just his consciousness going in and out? He wasn't sure at this point. He closed his eyes as he started getting colder and more tired.
"Buck? What's wrong,"
"S-so much. Blood" Buck hummed "ell him. Sorry ....."
Hen had already been in her car as soon as she heard Buck muttering before she asked him if he was okay. He was only a five-minute drive from her house.
"Buck, you there? Stay with me, kid"
"C-old" he whimpered
She sped into his parking lot and ran up the stairs, faster than waiting on the elevator.
"Buck?"
Silence.
"Buck?!"
Nothing.
She turned off the call, using the spare key she had for his place, he gave her one to water his plants when he went on a road trip once. Seeing the shattered glass and water as she rushed through his apartment. She reached his bathroom where she saw the light coming from a mostly dark apartment.
"Buck I'm here babe" she announced and pushed open the door.
"Fuck" she muttered grabbing the nearest towel and holding it to his arms.
She felt around his neck, feeling a pulse. "Thank god" She held the towels in place, as much as she wanted to keep this in-house, she didn't have anything to bandage him with her, and he already lost soo much blood. She reached into her pocket and dialed 911. Recognizing the voice on the other line. Thankfully not Maddie but Josh.
"Josh! This is Hennretta Wilson, I'm off duty but I need an ambulance ASAP to Evan Buckley's apartment." She said listing off his address.
"He- he's attempted suicide and he had a pulse but, god there's so much blood I have it clotted with some towels."
Josh immediately had an ambulance on the way. Josh talked to Hen through it, and even though he knew Hen was capable, he knew she'd probably want someone to be with her. She heard the ambulance and then heard the guys from another station come in.
"BATHROOM" she yelled out
The paramedics got an IV line and morphine into him, wrapping his arms in bandages instead of towels,
Buck faded into consciousness "h-hen? How?"
"Hey kid, shh it's okay" she cried out "I'm here it's okay"
"No, no, you weren't supposed to be here. How'd you? No. Fuck. Let me go, let me die" he scrambled for the blades again,
Hen knocked them away as the other paramedics took over fully,
Buck sobbed as his attempt had failed, the silence would sneak back up, and the universe would only scream louder next time... maybe next time he'd die.
.
After the ambulance took him into the hospital for stitches, Hen knew she'd not be able to see him for a bit, so she walked back into his apartment. Cleaning up the broken glass and moping the water up. She shakily walked back into the bathroom. Sobbing to herself as she looked down into the blood-stained tub. "I'm so sorry Buck" she whispered to herself. She poured bleach into the tub and let it set. She looked at the time, almost two a.m. She called Josh back on his personal cell phone.
"How's he doing," Josh said
"He came back to us after some fluids and morphine, he was mad we saved him... I don't know how I missed this" she muttered
"It's not your fault Hen," Josh told her
"I know... I know. Hey Josh? Don't tell Maddie yet," Hen said
"I won't, she's off till Monday anyway"
Hen thanked him and took off to the hospital. It was so late, or early? She didn't want to worry anyone else, but something told her to call Eddie.
Eddie answered her call finally on the second try. After telling him what happened, he immediately began cussing to himself "fuck, Hen... he asked me to go to a movie or something earlier tonight... he wanted to reach out and I blew him off..."
Marisol woke up next to Eddie, who was annoyed she was pulled awake.
"I- gotta go, Buck is in trouble"
"He's a big boy, he can handle himself" she muttered "Lay back down,"
"No, he's my best friend and tried to kill himself!"
She rolled her eyes "Wow, what kinda man does that?"
Eddie got pissed, "Get out, now"
She huffed and got her stuff, he didn't care anymore, he wanted to see his best friend. Once she left he snuck out, knowing Chris would be okay by himself until he got back but also just in case left him a note saying he'd be back before 8 am and to call Carla if he needed him.
.
Buck lost consciousness again in the ambulance after fighting with the first responders.
"Please don't save me" he begged them.
.
It didn't work, he faded back to white, and woke up, alive in the hospital bed. His hand restrained to the bed.
"Fuck" he muttered rubbing his eyes with his free hand.
Eddie got to the hospital and found Hen. "They won't let me see him, I'm not family, but he's stable they told me"
Eddie walked up the the desk "I'm Evan Buckley's husband, let me see him!"
It worked and the nurses took him back to the room Buck was in. He was asleep, he saw the white wraps around his arms. Hen told him he tried to kill himself but didn't get a chance to mention how. Eddie had cut her off. His hands shook. He looked so pale, watching the IV fluid drip, Buck turned over feeling someone's presence.
"Ed's? She called you?" Buck whispered
"Yeah, and I had to tell the nurse were married so at least pretend you love me" Eddie smiled
"She, she shouldn't have bothered you. You have Marisol."
"Yeah, that's over. She showed her true personality tonight"
Buck just looked at Eddie and lightly closed his eyes, "I'm sorry, I- I'm so tired”
Eddie told him to scoot over on the bed and just laid back down next to Buck. Buck swallowed hard, feeling blood pressure around his ears causing them to ring. Pitty. That's all Eddie has on him. He was too weak and tired to fight it though.
Eddie didn't sleep much, he laid next to Buck, watching him breathe and thanking any god that was out there listening for letting him accidentally call Hen. He wouldn't know what to do without him, he was his best friend, He and Chris needed Buck to function.
Before Buck knew it, it was morning. Eight am, the time his body would be getting up for a normal shift. He went to get up, realizing he was tethered to the bed still, and that Eddie laid next to him still.
"Mornin Buck," he said
"Eddie, I'm sorry y-you didn't have to stay.."
"I'm not leaving you alone, I said I'd always have your back, IM so sorry I wasn't there yesterday for you."
They sat in silence for a while, Eddie called Carla to watch Chris for him. A nurse came in to check on Buck, and a few times throughout the night an aide had come in. After taking Bucks's vitals and administering medication, he left.
A while later there was a soft knock at the door,
"How are we feeling this morning Mr Buckley?"
Buck turned over, seeing a nice-looking man in a suit. Buck laid back down, not wanting to talk, not wanting anything but to feel Eddie's warmth.
"I'm a therapist for the hospital here, for you to be cleared to leave I need to asses your state of mind"
Buck scoffed. Therapy didn't work for him before, all he got from that last time was more trauma. Eddie leaned over and kissed Buck's forehead, not even realizing that he had done that.
"I'll be back, talk with him, please" Eddie smiled.
Buck pouted as Eddie left, now he really didn't want to talk, the guy scared off Eddie and now he was cold and alone again.
"You can stare at the ceiling tiles all week long, but unless we talk, you aren't leaving," the unnamed guy said
Buck rolled his eyes and looked over to him again.
"I'm fine" Buck replied
"Obviously you wouldn't be here if you were fine" he replied. "My name is Noah Grubb, you can call me Dr. Grubb or Noah."
"I just want Eddie back. What do I tell you to get him back in here" Buck sighed
"Let's start with how we ended up here?"
Buck laughed out loud, the only coping mechanism he had left was to joke. He could do much else. He had to talk, so why not deflect with humor? Maybe he'll annoy Noah like he annoyed everyone else in his life.
"I failed, obviously, I can't even die right" Buck smiled "I don't get why everyone wants so badly to save me. It's not like they care"
"I think it's pretty obvious the guy who was just here cares? Nurses said he was here all night"
Buck's heart flipped a bit... first with the tiniest bit of joy and then worry. Why? What about Chris? Why would Eddie leave Chris alone just for him?
"He's great, but he has... well had a girlfriend apparently.. and a kid. He has other people who care. He would have been fine without me."
Eddie stood outside Buck's door and heard him say that. He closed his eyes so he didn't start crying. It was entirely not true, Eddie would be devastated, lost, and broken without Buck. He was going to make sure Buck knew just how special he was. He hated himself for being so ignorant and stupid and pushing off his feelings for Buck for SO long. If only he had been honest about it a lot sooner. He'd do anything to be able to go back and tell Buck how he felt a year ago.
"Who else is in your life?"
Buck went on to describe just how everyone in his life had their own life and problems. That they couldn't be bothered with his issues. That his sister just tried to kill herself because of postpartum depression, and that Chim had been a single parent for over 8 months. Bobby just lost his sponsor and he was trying to enjoy a cruise with his wife. Hen had Karen and the kids, she was busy with foster kids and she had been so stressed about school.
"And I'm alone, and god the silence hurts."
After they both talked for a while, Buck finally started to open up about past experiences that had happened. The tsunami, the bomb, Eddie getting shot, getting taken hostage, covid, the lightning... everything.
"Are you still actively thinking of harming yourself"
"No" Buck lied
And obviously, Buck had played their little game well enough. Noah wrote him a prescription for antidepressants, and one for antibiotics, to make sure he didn't get an infection. Then told him he'd like to request more therapy sessions, at least once a week for a few months. Buck just nodded along, anything to get out of here. He didn't need or want any more pity.
A while after Noah left Eddie came back, "Ready to go buckaroo?" He asked
"What do you mean?" Buck questioned
"You're staying with me and Chris for a bit," Eddie smiled holding out his hand to help the younger man up.
"No, I- I'm okay. I don't need to burden you anymore" Buck protested
"It's either this or I'm dropping you off at a psych ward, I'm not losing you, Evan."
Buck agreed as he didn't want to be alone in an empty white room anymore. He already was itching to get out of this one.
Both of them sat in silence for the entire drive back to Eddie's place, "Hen got some outfits for you and we can go later if you want to get more"
Hen and Eddie were being too nice to Buck. Way too nice for him to believe it was real. They probably were dissing him at the firehouse, making fun of him. Eddie helped him get out of the truck and up to Eddie's place. Chris immediately met him with a huge hug, he let his eyes close, letting the warm embrace from the kid melt him.
"Bucky!! Dad said you were feeling bad! I'm so glad you are better, I'd be sad if we missed movie night"
"Hey buddy" Buck whispered, barely loud enough for Chris to hear him.
He was so stupid, that he didn't even say goodbye to Chris.... How could he do that? Next time he will need to leave some sort of explanation and apology to Chris...
Eddie took him up the his bedroom "I can't take your room and push you out of your own bed!"
"I'll be fine on the couch, you need to heal up" Eddie wasn't taking no for an answer.
Eddie left Buck to change into some real clothes, he'd already had him and Hen go through his entire apartment for anything sharp or dangerous and locked it in a cabinet. Buck sat down on Eddie's bed and just watched the clock's minutes pass. He wasn't sure how long he'd spaced out, but when he looked up at the doorway again he saw Eddie watching him from the entryway.
"Welcome back, here, change into these, please?"
Buck reached out and took the clothes from Eddie's hands. Nodding. Buck realized as he put them on that they were Eddie's clothes, they smelt like him, and they felt like his touch. He smiled and looked back at Eddie, this time he'd stayed.
Eddie saw the deep cuts on Bucks's legs as he changed. He wasn't sure if he could handle seeing them, but he needed, to see how close he was to losing him. Soon he'd change his arm bandage and see just how bad those were, but judging by his legs he knew. Eddie wasn't dumb and had stitched up one too many people in his army days,
"Much better, let's go get you some food?"
Buck didn't want food. He didn't deserve food. Maybe if he couldn't bleed out he could starve himself to death.... Maybe he could just waste away. Obviously, Eddie is a mind reader at this point, he walked towards the bed, taking Bucks's hand and leading him down the stairs again. Of course, he could tell Evan didn't want to eat.
"I made your favorite"
Buck looked up again, "Bobby's soup?"
Eddie nodded and that got Buck to at least follow him downstairs. "Have... you told him?"
"Not yet, we are trying to reach them, service is spotty on the ocean"
Buck cringed, he was going to ruin their trip. He felt them judging him as if they were his birth parents. Telling him how much of a disappointment he was, how he ruined everything.
"Don't... don't bother them..."
"Buck, Bobby will kill us if we don't tell him. He's going to have to approve your PTO anyway and... Hen just called Maddie"
Buck groaned and laid his head down on the kitchen table. "Whyyy"
"Because Buck she's next of Kin, we should have told her a long time ago," Eddie said
"No, now she has to care about me. She's gonna tell Chim and then the whole firehouse will know I'm dumb and weak and can't even die right!"
"Stop that Buck, you aren't dumb or weak and I'm thanking god every minute that you are alive.... I love you... I've loved you since that day in the ambulance”
‘No one would love you’
‘Broken’
Buck froze be didn't fully believe Eddie. "Really?"
"Yes, really. I never had the courage or change to be honest about it, but almost losing you, I can't hold onto my feelings anymore"
‘He’s lying’
Buck was quiet for a while but then squeaked out a "me too... I love you too eds."
As Eddie went to pull Buck into a small sweet kiss, there was a knock on the door and Chris answered it. Maddie ran into the kitchen. She grabbed Buck and hugged him, crying into his shoulder.
"You... you should have called me sooner," Maddie said to Eddie
"Listen, I'm sorry. Hen found him and decided to wait to call you”
They stood there hugging "I'm sorry," Buck told her
‘She hates you’
"It's okay Buck, it's okay. I understand how hard it is to reach out..."
.
Eddie has watched Buck pick at the soup bowl for the past fifteen minutes. All he’s done is move around the spoon and break apart the noodles more and more. He hadn’t attempted to eat it yet. Eddie knew what he was doing. Buck sat there hating Eddie for not having a dog that he could feed this to. Hoping that Eddie would go to the bathroom soon so he could dump it out and pretend he ate.
“Mi amor eat, please” Eddie whispered into his ear.
‘Don’t eat.’
Buck swallowed and smiled up at Eddie,
“I-I’ll try” Buck nodded
Buck ate a bit,
‘Think you deserve food?’
‘He thinks you are pathetic’
“I know” Buck whispered to himself
Eddie turned around “What was that?”
“It’s good” Buck lied taking another bite.
Once Buck ate some food, Eddie let him go upstairs to rest. Buck ran into the bathroom, shoving his fingers down his throat. Throwing up as much as he could. He knew this trick from girlfriends back in high school. He knew they used it for dieting, he just didn’t want to eat. He didn’t need to lose weight, but eventually, if you don’t eat… you’ll die.
.
The next morning Hen came by to see Buck, she immediately began crying and just held him in her arms.
“I am sorry I called you… I… my hand slipped. I wasn’t supposed to bother anyone” Buck apologized for it
He wasn’t sorry he tried to kill himself. He was only sorry he had lived and was such an inconvenience for everyone else now.
“Buck, I’m so happy for your hand slipping, I don’t know what I’d do without you. You are my brother, my drinking buddy, and my favorite bisexual. I need you in my life Buck.” She told him
She told him she had cleaned up his place and got it all ready if he needed to go back in to get anything for his stay with Eddie. His heart dropped, knowing she cleaned up his mess… literally his blood.
“I’m sorry”
“Don’t be sorry Buck. I love you”
.
Days flew by like this, Eddie kept a close watch on Buck, Maddie bringing breakfast every morning, and Buck fake eating. Chim texting him. Hen basically living in Eddie’s place also. They finally all got ahold of Bobby and Athena, updating them. Bobby talked to Buck, told him how much he loved him and that he would always be there for him… This is why it would have been better if he didn’t make it. Everyone else has their life on hold for him now.
Buck was feeling more and more like a useless child who got caught cheating on his math exam. The only thing keeping him from running out that door was Chris and Eddie. But as his wounds started to heal, he felt sad again. He hated seeing his world still turning. He failed at his attempt, the world is still spinning and he is so tired. The medicine isn’t working, nothing will work for him he’s broken. He’s broken and so tired.
.
“Bucky! Look what I made today” Chris smiled handing him the drawing.
It was a very cute drawing of Buck and Chris at the zoo together. Buck gripped the picture and started crying. “I love it” he fake smiled.
He did love it, but it just reminded him how happy he used to be, how he would never be that person again. Buck's eyes floated down to the kid's backpack that was left at the kitchen table, as Chris ran off to start his homework.
Maybe.. just maybe.
Eddie wouldn’t be home for an hour or so. Buck reached into the bag searching around and finding the blue and silver item. It honestly impressed him how quickly he had it disassembled. Sliding the small thin blade in between his fingers.
‘ You won’t,’
It’s not like this small of a thing could do any substantial harm… it might shut up the yelling for a while though. It might stop him from feeling like he was itching his body raw. He slipped upstairs and dragged the small pencil sharpener blade over his wrists, trying to dig it in as deep as he could, but it really wasn’t worth much.
‘No wonder you failed this is pitiful’
“Shut up” he muttered
He pressed down again, harder and harder until about ten new lines were added. The blood dotted his arms again and the world stopped yelling at him.
He slipped the small blade into the back of his phone case, washing the blood down the bathroom sink drain.
Eddie wouldn’t tell the difference between the cuts.
Right?
.
He didn’t notice at first, unfortunately, not until ten became twenty and that became fifty. Eddie noticed the change after the third day: the way Buck seemed numb, distracted and always sneaking off to the bathroom.
Eddie watched his regular routine, splitting apart his dinner into a hundred small pieces. Eventually, after half an hour eating a small bite here and there. Then he sneaked off to the bathroom. Today Eddie followed him upstairs. Watched from the stairs, silently. Buck had not shut the bathroom door all the way as he kneeled down in front of the toilet and forced himself to throw up.
He pulled out his phone and took off his case, grabbing the small piece of metal and ceremonially pressing it against his arms. Eddie couldn’t watch this, he couldn’t stand there and watch Evan slice his arm open. He ran in there grabbing the tiny metal blade from his hand. Buck struggled for it back crying.
“No Eddie. Please don’t take it.. I need it. Leave me alone.” Buck fought Eddie’s grip.
Eddie just held Buck in his arms and he tried to push his way away from Eddie. Crying and screaming
“It’s never gonna stop,”
“Just let me go”
“You will be happier without me”
“I annoy everyone,”
“Eddie let me be happy”
Finally, after almost thirty minutes of Buck fighting Eddie, he stopped struggling and yelling. He just kneeled there on the bathroom floor sobbing. Eddie loosened his grip around Buck and Buck turned around to face him.
“Why won’t you let me die?”
“Because I love you, I love you so much, Evan Buckley. I know you might not be able to believe that. But it’s true and I need you in my life until we grow old. I need you to watch Chris graduate with me,” he leaned down and kissed Bucks's forehead.
“I want you to become Captain one day. I want to marry you and maybe even raise our own kid too. I love you so damn much Buck.”
He pulled Buck into a real kiss this time. Buck melted into Eddie’s chest after the split up.
“Bobby loves you, he sees you as his kid. He would move mountains for you. Yes, he’s been strict in the past but that’s something a good dad does. He would leave any dumb vacation for you, he felt terrible that he couldn’t have been here to help you. He can’t wait to hug you again. Athena loves you, Hen loves you. Chim loves you. God Maddie wouldn’t be alive without you, you two are so connected it’s scary sometimes”
Buck lightly giggled out between crying against Eddie’s chest. It’s true, he swears he can feel her crying sometimes and she always knows when he was getting a cold.
“She wants Uncle Buck to watch Jee grow up. She wants you at her wedding. We all need you Buck you are the glue to our weirdo chosen family.”
Buck sat there for a while, breathing deeply and calming himself against Eddie’s warm embrace.
“My apartment was so numbingly empty and quiet. It- it drove me crazy. … then it was yelling, it went from silent to screaming all at once. Telling me how useless I was. How everyone except me had a purpose on this earth…. T-the medicine isn’t working, I’m so tired, everything hurts still.” Buck whimpered “I’m sorry. I wanted my head to stop spinning.”
Eddie helped Buck stand up after a bit, helping him to the bedroom and they sat on the bed. Eddie went back to the bathroom pulling out his first aid kit, cleaning his newest cuts, and putting gauze on them. Then pulled him into a hug while they lay there on the bed. Eventually, Chris came and found them. Eddie motioned Chris to be quiet as Buck had fallen asleep.
Eddie slipped out from the bed, going downstairs to make dinner for a hungry Chris, and themselves later.
“Dad. What’s wrong with Bucky? He’s seemed so sad and upset lately. And he has white bandages everywhere did her get hurt at work again?” He asked his dad.
Eddie bit his cheek, he knew this was coming sooner or later.
“Not at work buddy, he’s had a hard time with his feelings and his mental health isn’t very good. He did something to himself and it hurt him. He needs all our love.”
“Oh, okay ima give him a big hug before bed then, I can’t wait till we can go back to our day outs!”
Chris sat down at the table and ate silently, watching his dad walk around the kitchen. Buck snuck his way down the stairs and hallway,
“Sorry about leaving you alone, love. Chris needed dinner”
“It’s okay,” Buck said
For the first time since a month before his attempt, he smiled, like actually smiled. Eddie handed him a small plate then sat down next to him and started to eat. Buck was so used to not eating he didn’t know how to start. He kept looking between the food and Eddie and Chris. Then he took a deep breath and ate a few bites.
Chris smiled at his dad's hand gently laying on Bucks's hand as they ate, Eddie’s hand massaging Bucks. They talked about how schools had been going for Chris and before he knew it, Buck actually ate a whole meal.
He knew that a ‘true love kiss’ wasn’t going to fix all his issues. He knows that it’s going to be a long road ahead of him. Eddie convinced him to give the medication a bit longer, and that he’d go with him to any therapy meeting he wanted.
After another few days of traveling, Bobby and Athena finally landed back in LA. Bobby held Buck in his arms.
“You saved me from my relapse all those years ago, you gave me a reason to live and I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you, Son” Bobby told him
Buck cried into his arms “It’s okay, I’m sorry. I- I truly am sorry. I’m glad I have you guys now”
Buck for the first time was sorry he tried to die. He was glad he survived. He knew it would only be a matter of time before the world would be yelling again, but by then maybe the medication would silence it. Maybe now he wouldn’t sit in the empty apartment with only the darkest parts of his brain left to accompany him.
And maybe just maybe Eddie ended up getting Buck.. and Chris… a dog. A cute golden retriever puppy to match his favorite golden retriever boyfriend.