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She wearily settled into the chair behind the noble desk and heaved a heavy sigh of relief as she breathed in the familiar scent of herbs and flowers that seemed to magically still linger in the room after all these weeks.
Carefully, she reached for the withered flower that had found its place on the desk weeks ago. The last item from which Tissaia had drawn her magic to pay her last respects to the fallen novices. Only minutes before she- She closed her eyes against the unwanted feelings as she could feel the telltale tingling in her eyes. It would be ridiculous to start crying now of all times. Now that they had succeeded for the first time in weeks.
Geralt was back to his best form, they had managed to rebuild Aretuza to some extent and the school still had students. And the most important thing; their daughter was back. They had finally found Ciri. She was more or less well up and just a few minutes away from her, taking a decent bath in Aretuza's springs after weeks out there, so she could finally feel her chaos again. No matter what was to come now Yennefer knew it couldn't get any worse from here now. Because almost everything was as it should be.
Except for the fact that she was in a study room that still didn't feel like hers despite all the weeks, Aretuza still lacked a very definite presence despite all the people, and Vilgefortz was still breathing somewhere in Nilfgaard. And that Tissaia was still dead.
While thinking of Aretuzas former rectoress, a single tear had managed to escape after all, which she quickly wiped away.
It had been four weeks by now. A month. Just as long as Tissaia had thought she war dead after Sodden. But unlike her, Tissaia would not miraculously come storming back into her office and lecture Yennefer that she had no business in her chair.
She quickly rose from the chair, which had not been made for her, to stand instead by the open window, from where she had a perfect view of the courtyard.
The courtyard already looked a lot better than it did a few weeks ago, but they were far from finished. Rita thought it was more important to get the inside of the old walls back into shape first, so that the students knew that nothing would change much in their lessons. That they still had a place to study and a refuge, even if it didn't look like one from the outside. She wanted the daily routine for the girls to be resumed as soon as possible.
A statement that the dark-haired woman could only answer with a sneer at that point. It would take time for any of them to get used to the new circumstances, she was sure.
The Brotherhood was almost completely wiped out that day. Allies as well as friends had fallen and died horribly on that day five weeks ago.
Rita took the post as temporary principal well, but she could see in the older mage's eyes that she was not comfortable in her new post without her closest friend. She tried not to let it show as she talked to Yennefer about the now more or less orphaned students, but the dark-haired girl could tell she was afraid of what was to come.
Not even Triss, the optimist of their group managed to muster an authentic smile for them all. It seemed too big to be genuine most days, and Yennefer knew the redhead was just trying to give them all some hope. But Yennefer´s hope left her as the blood left Tissaia's body.
And then there was also Sabrina. The blonde was even more of a bitch than usual, while at the same time she was nicer than ever since Yennefer knew her. At first Sabrina and she argued and got their claws out until Triss intervened and admonished her, before the blonde immediately apologized and looked at Yennefer almost pityingly.
And that´s things they didn´t do. They didn't just stop arguing because they were told to do so. Or even apologize. And Sabrina certainly didn't. Whenever Triss used to admonish her about it, another series of insults followed before she admired her girlfriend again.
And she didn't know what upset her most about all this. That Sabrina, of all people Sabrina, gave her a sympathetic look after every argument or that Triss dared to interfere in the little bit of normality they had left because she needed some peace.
Because only Tissaia managed to keep the two from verbally tearing each other apart with a single glance. And now, of all times, Sabrina had to come to the conclusion that maybe it wasn't always necessary to be a cold bitch.
And then there was that look the blonde always seemed to give her afterwards. It was the same look she received from everyone lately when she left her former mentor's office. Compassion. Like she´s the only one who mourned Tissaia.
As if they didn't also notice how Aretuzas former rectoress, seemed to be missing everywhere. Because that's exactly what she did.
She was missing when one of the students made a new advance. She was absent in the hallways, as well as in class. She was missing, next to Triss in the lab, to help her with some potions or when Sabrina was being a bitch. She was missing during the search for Ciri and she would be missing during the training of the young princess, because no one was as capable of teaching her as she was. Even now four weeks later she was still missing when Yennefer entered the office and nothing but emptiness and a dead flower were waiting for her there.
In every corner, in every minute of every single damn day, she was missing. And Yennefer seemed like the only one who seemed to notice.
The mage leaned her head against the window frame with a heavy sigh and carefully turned the dried flower between her fingers.
The accusation was not fair, Yennefer knew that. Maybe it was just the anger that was still bubbling inside her because of everything that had happened, while at the same time there was an emptiness inside her that she didn't know how to fill again in the future.
The woman had always been a constant in her life, despite everything. Not even after her ascension could she really imagine a life without the older woman, and now she was actually supposed to live it? A cold and heavy fear spread through her stomach at the thought. The feeling was all too familiar. It had haunted her every day and night for the past four weeks since Tissaia's death and seemed to have subsided somewhat in the hours since she had Ciri safely back with her.
And yet it hit her again with just as much severity as the moment she felt Tissaia leave the world of the living. She felt so terribly lost again.
Because despite everything that had happened, Tissaia had always been her light spot. She always managed to give her a feeling of familiarity and security. She was never really alone. She always had Tissaia to light her the way.
Until she didn´t have her anymore.
Of course, she had her sisters in the past weeks, but none of them where Tissaia.
Before she could lose herself further in that part of her headspace, three rapid successive knocks drew her attention before the door opened without waiting for a response.
Her gloomy thoughts immediately brightened a bit when she saw Ciri standing in the doorway. She must have lingered longer in her thoughts than she thought, because Ciri already came over to her in new clothes and still slightly damp hair, much more refreshed.
"You were refreshing yourself, that's good," smiled the older woman. Aretuza's springs seemed to have worked wonders. The dark circles under her eyes were still there, however, she no longer had that rushed expression in her green emeralds and seemed a lot more relaxed now as well. "You look better."
The blonde smiled back and joined Yennefer at the window, turning her body to face the mage as she leaned back against the deep window arch. "I feel better, too. The bath was great. I feel so much lighter than I did before we arrived. It's like the water just washed away any weight."
"These are Aretuza's springs. They just have that effect.", Yennefer replied, shrugging her shoulders. "Are you sure they're not just as magical as the rest?", "Pretty much. But I know exactly what you mean.", Yennefer grinned back and remembered how she had felt similarly back when she had lost her chaos.
Just like Ciri, she had the suspicion that the water had healing powers even if they were always told otherwise. She always wanted to ask Tissaia if it was really true. Because if anyone would know, it would be her. But now she would probably never know. Again something for what Tissaia was missing.
Ciri seemed to sense that the elder was about to go into a downward spiral of her own thoughts again and cast a cursory glance around the courtyard before turning to Yennefer and saying, "I've seen what you've done with the main hall. It doesn't look bad. You've done a good job rebuilding everything."
The dark-haired woman threw her a weak but sincere smile. "Thank you. But we are far away from finished. It will take a while until everything is back to the way it was before." If it ever would be. There was some irreparable damage that they would probably never be able to repair.
She felt sick at the thought that later generations of mages would never see what Tissaia had created. The legacy she had left behind. Her grip on the flower tightened a bit before she quickly loosened again, afraid to destroy it.
"Yes, but you won't be alone." Her gaze darted back over to the younger girl, raising an eyebrow at the implication. "I know you probably have enough support with the others already, but I can try to help too. We could use some cleanup as study sessions. And Geralt can help, too. He once built a shelter that held up through an entire thunderstorm!", "And Jaskier plays his lute while we´re doing the hard work?" smirked Yennefer, because she could not imagine Jaskier in any other hand job. "Can you imagine him carrying rocks?" joked Ciri, who seemed to have the same thought. "Melitele, no. It would probably take us longer than it would without his help." They both laughed affectionately at the notion before falling into a comfortable silence.
Melitele, how she had missed Ciri in the past weeks. The worry about the girl made her heart grow heavier every day. For five weeks she had no idea where her daughter was. And while Geralt and Jaskier were out there looking for her, she tried to make sure she had a place to return to.
She spent weeks cleaning up the mess, while at the same time trying to locate Ciri's chaos, but to no avail. In the end, it was pure coincidence that they found the lion cub of Cintra.
Some of Triss' trusted contacts had told them that a young girl with emerald eyes and ash blonde hair had been spotted near Niflgaard's borders. And after hearing that Ciri was supposed to have arrived in Nilfgaard weeks earlier, she could no longer sit idly by.
She summoned the nearest portal as close to Niflgaard's borders as she dared without Vilgefortz being able to detect her chaos and set off in search of it. She had been alone in the Nilfgaardian woods for nearly three days until she suddenly bumped into her sorcerer and the bard. Literally. She had been seconds away from killing Jaskier if she hadn't recognized him in time.
The sadness of the past weeks was not gone but the familiar company did her good. Geralt did her good. And even if she would never admit it, Jaskier's lightness also helped to cheer her up. But she could not enjoy it yet. Not when Ciri was still out there somewhere and they didn't know exactly where she was.
Until Jaskier went missing in a tavern. From what she overheard, he had gotten into a fight with a young woman who would have cut his throat if Ciri hadn't recognized him and intervened. But honestly she couldn't care less at that moment.
For no sooner had she and Geralt approached the scene than she saw only a flash of blonde lightning racing toward her before two dainty arms wrapped around her waist. Instinctively, Yennefer's right hand found the back of her head, while her left placed itself on her back and pressed the girl tightly against her.
She was thinner than she had been five weeks ago and didn't smell very pleasant either, but that wasn't something they couldn't fix. On the contrary, in fact. It was something they could fix. It felt like the first thing they could actually do something about.
Because Ciri was alive. It was as if all the stones of the continent had fallen from her shoulders at once and a small light had begun to shine again. She wanted to never let go of her daughter again, but they could not be in Nilfgaard any longer than necessary.
They spent three more days walking through the woods before Yennefer felt safe enough to summon a portal. The last thing she wanted was for Vilgefortz to know that she was in Nilfgaard. But only because of Ciri.
If it would be up to her, he should know that she would come for him. He should know that he would be punished for what he had done to Tissaia. But not if it could put Ciri in danger.
No, Vilgefortz would have to face her when Ciri was out of range of the danger zone. She would not let him hurt anyone else she loved.
"I've heard about Tissaia," the blonde suddenly blurted out, and she suddenly looked over at Yennefer very uncertainly, as if she didn't know whether she should really bring up the theme or not.
The mere mention of her name again caused a lump to form in Yennefer's throat. Four weeks and she still wasn't able to hear her name without feeling like she was going to breakdown at any moment.
"She didn't die in the fight...", She had only heard rumors that she had survived Alzur's Thunder, but not what exactly had led to her death. She had hoped to ask Triss, not knowing how sensitive Yennefer was to the subject. But the redhead was with Sabrina getting some herbs that didn't grow in the area, and in the end her curiosity won out.
However, she regretted her words as soon as they left her mouth. For no sooner had she mentioned the brunette's name than Yennefer seemed to tense herself to the last bone.
The older mage cast a quick glance around the room, as if trying to find the right answer among the objects and books, all of them belonged to a person Ciri barely knew.
"She blamed herself for what happened," Yennefer began, trying to find the right words. Tried to find words that would make the act less horrible. Words that could spare Ciri. But there was nothing to gloss over in what had happened. Tissaia was dead.
She had cut her wrists and left her there alone in all the rubble. She swore to herself that some nights she could still feel the pull on her wrists and how Tissaia's blood flowed between her hands as she cradled her lifeless body in her arms.
She felt the anger she felt for Tissaia back then flare up inside her again, while a telltale stinging in her eyes made itself known, which she quickly blinked away. She would not start crying now. Not now. Not in front of Ciri.
"And she couldn't handle it," she finished tersely, leaning her forearms on the windowsill to stare fixedly at the rubble of the courtyard. She didn't need to see Ciri's reaction to that. She heard her draw in a sharp breath and knew automatically that the younger girl understood what she meant.
And of course Ciri understood. Without hesitation, the princess immediately thought of the events of a year ago, after Yennefer had betrayed her to Voleth Meir. She was not quite herself at that moment, but Geralt had told her afterwards what had happened.
That Yennefer had cut her wrists. She would have given her life for Ciri. She was willing to pay for her mistakes - to die for Ciri - and yet, even months later, the young princess could still see the guilt in her amethyst eyes when she looked at her.
She felt sick thinking about what it would be like to lose Yennefer in this way now. By taking her life with her own hand. Out of her own decision.
She couldn't begin to imagine how Yennefer must feel now. But she could see it. Every evening of the past three nights, as they sat around the fire and her gaze seemed to lose itself in the flames, as if the black-haired beauty were thinking of something long past. The exhaustion that Yennefer seemed to radiate all the time, even though everything might be fine. And her eyes. The usual shine was missing in the violet depths.
"I'm sorry for your loss," Ciri finally said when she didn't know what else to say. She knew loss. Had witnessed it many times before. With her parents, her grandmother and Mousesack. Melitele, until a few days ago she even mourned Geralt, because rumors said Vilgefortz would be at the Nilfgaardian court.
And yet she didn't know how to help the mage, since she had never fully understood the relationship between Yennefer and Tissaia. When Yennefer spoke of Aretuza, it was almost indifferent, almost cold. But when she told her about Tissaia, her amethysts practically shone, while a small smile kept creeping onto her lips. She could see it the moment Yennefer suggested she train in Aretuza. She wanted to go back to Tissaia.
But Tissaia seemed to act rather coldly toward her. At first Ciri thought that Tissaia was still mad with Yennefer because of what she did when she should kill that nilfgaardian prisoner.
Then that it was simply in her nature, after seeing how she didn't necessarily seem to treat the others any better. But between the dry exchanges and disinterested looks, Ciri could also see a deep affection that the smaller woman felt for Yennefer.
During her first days in Aretuza, after Yennefer had settled the political, she even caught the elder inquiring about Yennefer's well-being, sometimes asking her if she had eaten yet. And there was always genuine concern in her tone.
She thought at first that what was between them was similar to what Ciri felt for Yennefer. That Tissaia was to Yennefer everything Yennefer was to her. A mother, mentor and confidant.
But she could see that Tissaia was so much more for Yennefer. She could already see that when Geralt told them that Aretuza was taken. And then when they saw someone summon Alzur's Thunder...
It was like she saw Yennefer's world crumble before her eyes. And she just knew that she couldn't stop Yennefer from going to the person her heart was crying out for the most at that moment.
"I didn't know her very well... And what that was between you I didn't really understand either..." began Ciri, drawing Yennefer's attention from the courtyard back to her. "But I could see what you meant to her. You were very important to her, Yennefer. She cared about you deeply."
Then why didn't she stay, Yennefer thought bitterly.
But she knew that this was unfair. And Yennefer in particular was not allowed to form a judgment about it. So instead of getting lost in the negative thoughts again, she gave Ciri a weak, yet sincere smile. "Thank you." she replied, before her gaze fell again on the flower she still held in her hand.
"She meant a lot to me, too..." And she always will, as long as she lived. "And I'd like to answer you what that was between us, but we didn't always understand it either..." Her smile grew a little as her eyes fell on the scars on her right wrist.
"But she is-," She closed her eyes against the onslaught of emotion as she realized what tense she had used before finally bringing herself to to correct himself. "Tissaia was a force I could always count on. For me she was..." Everything, she immediately thought of that one word so meaningful, but didn't dare say it out loud. "She meant a lot to me. And I know that she always had a cold impression on you and you didn't understand my affection towards her..."
Carefully, she stroked the vertical lines with the fingers of her left hand that weren't holding the flower. "But all you need to know is that she saved me. In every way a person can be saved."
The princess caught her breath when she discovered two much lighter scars on the wrist. Two scars much older than the one from last year. Two scars that seemed to have no other intention than the latest one.
It pained her to know that at one point in her life Yennefer must have felt so desperate to have seen such an act as her last resort.
A wave of gratitude came over the ash blonde girl towards Tissaia and she regretted a little that she had made it so difficult for the older mage during her first arrival in Aretuza.
"Then it's a shame I never thanked her for it," Ciri finally replied, moving closer to her mother figure where she tentatively reached for the slender wrist. Ready to pull back should Yennefer want her to.
When the elder did not retreat, she carefully stroked her fingers over the uneven skin and looked down on it almost reverently. She could not imagine how Yennefer of Vengerberg would consider such an act as her last resort.
Images of the hunchbacked girl from Yennefer's memories flashed before her mind's eye, treated like dirt by her own family. And she thought again of how lonely, tired and desperate she must have been. None of this was anything she associated Yennefer with. And yet, at one point in her life, she had felt that way.
Another wave of gratitude washed over her. For Tissaia had been by her side at a time like this and had saved her. Had pulled her back from the cliff and taught her how to live. Had given her a reason to live.
She could see it in Yennefer's memories before they had gone to Aretuza then. She could see in the memories how a fire flared up in the violet eyes and they took on their usual glow as she was taught, rebuked and pushed forward by Tissaia. A fire of life. A fire that now seemed to blaze so much smaller in the amethysts while the shine had left them.
The violet eyes seemed a lot more dulled now, hardly reminding Ciri of the Yennefer she had last seen five weeks ago. No, the amethysts that looked out at her today reminded her much more of the hunchbacked girl from her memories before she was rescued by Tissaia. And the thought frightened Ciri.
And the thought that Vilgefortz was partly responsible made her angry. The girl suddenly looked up at Yennefer with a stubborn look.
"I promise you that we will avenge her. I will make Vilgefortz pay for what he did to us." Yennefer knew that Ciri was not only concerned with what the mage had taken from her. It was also about Geralt almost dying that day, Ciri being separated from her and Geralt and then being forced to wander the woods alone for the past few weeks and all the other things that had happened that day.
And the thought of Geralt or Ciri approaching Vilgefortz once again sent a chill down the dark-haired woman's spine. "You will do nothing against him! I will take care of Vilgefortz when the time comes.", "But- ", "No.", Yennefer's tone left no room for argument.
And the dark-haired woman was concerned with more than just revenge. It was true that she would have liked nothing more than to storm into that damned castle to personally ensure Vilgefortz's slow and agonizing demise. She wanted revenge for what he had done to Tissaia almost more than anything else right now.
But it was not just about her.
She knew that Ciri and Geralt would not hesitate to go after her if she approached enemy territory, and she could not risk that. She had just lost Tissaia. She would not be able to cope with another loss. And if it was Ciri too, who- No, she didn't want to know what would happen if she lost Ciri too.
"But-", Ciri already started to protest but was quickly rejoined by a sharp look from Yennefer silenced.
"If something happened to you, Geralt and I could never forgive ourselves, you know? If you-" She broke off as she felt the lump seem to form in her throat and instead took one deep breath to calm herself. Something the deep herbal smell that lingered in the office always seemed to accomplish in recent weeks. "You have to promise me that you'll stay away from him. I don't want you near him, do you understand?" He had wrecked Tissaia. She wouldn't let him do the same to Ciri.
"I want to help you...", Honest Emeralds looked sadly at Amethysts, who looked at her lovingly. "You are here. Safe." Yennefer brushed a now-dried strand of hair behind the younger girl's ear before dropping her hand back to Ciri's, who was still rubbing careful circles over her wrist with her thumb. "That's already helping." And the blonde didn't have the slightest idea how much that helped.
The past four weeks had been difficult for all of them. The rebuilding of Aretuza, the formation of a new brotherhood, the political mess that went along with it all, while at the same time they had to somehow appease the kings. And then there was their own grief for those killed during the battle. And for Tissaia.
Yes, they all tried to live on as best they could in the past weeks. But for Yennefer, it had been much more of a survival than a real life for the past four weeks. One day after another, while she somehow tried to stay afloat, which seemed more impossible with each passing day.
Until finally they had a lead that led to Ciri and she met Geralt and Jaskier again, just a few days before she held the ash blonde girl in her arms again.
And there were still shadows that only Tissaia could have erased. But having her daughter with her again drove them away, at least for the time being, and brought some light back into the cold and dark walls of Aretuza.
She had never really thought of the building as her home, nor had she ever considered it as important as Tissaia or her sisters always did. For her it was always just a building. Never really a home. But Tissaia... Tissaia was home.
Tissaia was always her refuge, not Aretuza. No matter when, she always knew that despite everything she had done, she could always return to the older mage. She was the first person who seemed to genuinely care about Yennefer, despite everything she was, without an ulterior motive. She saved her then from her own stupidity in taking her own life for her sake. Not because she was obligated to do so. But because she thought she was worth it. Something no one had ever thought of her before. Not even Yennefer herself.
She meant what she had said to Ciri. If it wasn't for Tissaia, she doesn't know where she would be today. She saved her in every way she could, and without even knowing it, over and over again. She was always there when she needed her. Tissaia was her safe haven. Her flame in the darkness.
And now she had to somehow be able to live without that flame, even if she didn't yet have the slightest idea how to do that.
Her gaze fell on Ciri, who had again begun to stroke her scar with her thumb. Her heart warmed a little at this loving gesture, while at the same time it became heavier.
The last person to touch her scars with such timidity had been Tissaia. She had first noticed the new scars on her wrists in the bathing temples of Aretuza, but had been so obliging and had only brought it up when they were alone.
This was followed by anger and a never-ending rant in which the brunette tried to express her concern. For while she repeatedly called Yennefer stupid and inconsiderate, words of comfort and affection also fell. Words with which she wanted to reassure Yennefer that she was not nothing. That she was needed and was so much more than she could possibly know.
Because despite everything that had happened, the elder still knew her to her core and knew that even if she had never voiced them, these fears were still deeply rooted in her. And only Tissaia seemed to be able to act against them.
"Triss!" a cry of joy beside her suddenly jolted her out of her thoughts and she saw Ciri excitedly looking past Yennefer through the open door into the hallway. A simple glance over her shoulder was enough and Yennefer immediately saw why. Triss and Sabrina had returned from gathering herbs and were walking down the hallway outside the office, each carrying a full basket, presumably on their way to the lab.
The redhead immediately turned when she heard her name and stepped into the room a bit, while an equally bright smile graced her face. One of the few genuine smiles Yennefer had seen on her friend's face in several weeks.
Yennefer sensed the hesitation in the blonde girl as she tried to move towards the other mage, but at the same time argued with herself to leave Yennefer already.
However, the hesitation lasted only a few seconds, as the dark-haired mage already released her delicate fingers from her wrist and gently nudged her in the direction of the curly head, whereupon she was enveloped in her arms only a short time later, after Sabrina, who was only half standing in the room leaning against the door frame, had taken the basket from her girlfriend.
"I'm so relieved that you're back. We were all so worried.", Triss started immediately after she separated from the younger girl again. "We returned as soon as possible after Triss received the news from Yennefer," Sabrina commented from the side, greeting Ciri with a welcome smile, which the princess returned gratefully, if hesitantly.
Yennefer knew that Sabrina's open and cheeky manner was intimidating and brash to many. And especially with Ciri, the blonde had not left a good impression at the beginning, but it was mutual. Just like Sabrina, Ciri could be cheeky and didn't like it when people treated her or someone else wrongly. So Yennefer was not very surprised that the two of them clashed when she brought the girl to Aretuza for the first time.
"Tell me, how have you been? Are you hurt? How long have you been back?", Triss immediately bombarded her with questions, while her worried eyes examined her from top to bottom.
"Melitele, darling give her some air," Sabrina rolled her eyes affectionately at her friend's behavior, who immediately apologized. "Please forgive me. You must be exhausted. We were just on our way to the lab. Would you like to join us? Then you can tell us about the past weeks. And we can update you on everything else. Bring, whereas Yennefer has certainly already done that."
Before Ciri got around to declining the offer, Yennefer agreed for the girl. “Of course, she would like to. You can help them sort the herbs. Sabrina has always been terrible at keeping them all apart. Maybe you can give Triss more of a hand with that." While the redhead immediately started raving about the herbs, Sabrina looked over at Yennefer with an inconspicuously prompting eyebrow, who had meanwhile walked back over to the desk, where she leaned her hip against it.
Carefully, she placed the flower on the table behind her as she felt a slight nudge from Sabrina's chaos before allowing her access to her thoughts after a moment's hesitation.
And you? The black-haired girl just subtly shook her head and mentally replied, "I'll join you later," to which she only received a skeptical look.
Of all the others, Sabrina gave her the most space. It was as if, despite their differences, she always knew best when she needed space, while at the same time trying to handle things the way they had before. She liked those moments of normalcy. The teasing, the insulting, and the pushing of each other's boundaries.
But then she could also see moments of worry flashing in her eyes every now and then. Just like now. And that, alone reminded Yennefer over and over again that things were not the same as before and she hated it.
It was as if Ciri had noticed the raven-haired woman's inner mood shift and immediately turned back to Yennefer. "Is that all right? I can stay if you..."
Yennefer felt her lips tug upward at the edges. Since they had found her, she had been at either her or Geralt's side. Hardly dared to leave their sides, unless it was necessary.
And Yennefer couldn't blame her. She herself felt the same paranoia. After they arrived in Aretuza, she had left the girl with Jaskier and Geralt because Rita had needed her help with a king. And she swore her heart had skipped a beat when she discovered Jaskier alone in the corridors of Aretuza, until she remembered that they were now in a safe place and Geralt and Ciri were safe.
And then there were also the nightmares. And she wasn't talking about her own. It wasn't hard to see that time out there had sharpened Ciri's edges. And yet, the world out there did not prepare her for the nightmares that seemed to haunt her every night. Blood-curdling screams alternately woke either Yennefer or Geralt from their own sleep, while the girl wept in her arms, not sure if what she had seen were mere dreams or visions. And Yennefer hated that she couldn't really help her with that, because she had little experience with prophetic dreams. She knew the basics, but that was all. That was something Tissaia was missing again.
For Yennefer, without magical access into the younger girl's mind, had little idea what of the things Ciri saw were actually signs of the future and what were merely night terrors. And she hated feeling so useless.
Not that the mere nightmares are any less bad.
They only reminded Yennefer anew every night that Ciri had seen things again during her time alone that she should never have seen. That she had been forced to do things she should never have had to do.
Yennefer hated that she wasn't there to protect her from all of this. She had already been through too much. It just wasn't fair and she wouldn't let her endure any more than she absolutely had to. She was only 16. barely older than Yennefer was then when she learned of her magic.
And even if the years in Aretuza were not necessarily among her favorite memories, there was no denying that Tissaia had made sure that her life moved in a better direction back then. But unlike hers, Ciri's life had become a living hell ever since. Thus, a little normalcy in the form of sorting herbs wouldn't be so bad. Besides, she would still be able to feel the girl's chaos. It would be all good.
"It's all right. I'll be fine here," Yennefer finally smiled at the girl, her insides still resisting as well. "And you too," she hung on. She would be with Triss and Sabrina. She would be fine. A last confident look finally made Ciri agree to the statement. "Yes you will.", Triss added in her usual gentle tone as she gave Yennefer a hopeful look and Yennefer knew immediately that the redhead wasn't just talking about Ciri. Not that Ciri would have noticed, as she once again crossed the office to get to Yennefer, where she once again wrapped her arms tightly around the older woman.
Automatically, her right hand found itself at the blonde head, while her left found its place between Ciri's shoulder blades, stroking up and down soothingly.
"Promise me you won't go after him either. Promise me!" the girl murmured softly into her shoulder, while if it had been possible she pulled Yennefer even tighter.
"Ciri...", Yennefer began, but was immediately interrupted by Ciri, who she was now lightly pushed away from her. And Yennefer wished she hadn't. Because now she could see the tears gathering in the green pools and the black-haired woman's heart immediately contracted painfully at the sight.
"Promise!" Ciri said a bit louder now, without paying more attention to the presence of Triss and Sabrina. These had themselves meanwhile again retreated somewhat to give them some semblance of privacy, but were still ready to step in if a third party was needed.
And she would have liked to do everything to make those tears disappear again. But that was a promise she knew she could not keep. Not if Vilgefortz was still breathing somewhere out there, while Tissaia was not.
"It's like everyone around me is dying. I don't want to- I can't lose you or Geralt too. Please Yennefer, I-", An agonized sob escaped her lungs and Yennefer hated that she was responsible for this.
She closed the distance between them again by pulling her back into her arms. "I've told you before, and I'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it," Yennefer began to murmur softly into her ash blonde hair. "I promise to always do everything possible to always come back to you. We both will." And that would be a promise she could keep.
She sank into the embrace for a brief moment before planting one last motherly kiss in her hair. As Ciri felt Yennefer's hand still once on her back up and down she finally separated somewhat reluctantly from the elder, but knew that this was the best she could get at the moment.
"Go.", Yennefer finally said, giving her a confident smile as the green emeralds still looked at her with concern. "I'm finally going to take a bath and then see you at dinner tonight."
A lie that she had said over and over again in the past few weeks and today for the first time actually meant it.
She ran her thumb one last time over Ciri's cheek, where she had gotten a small scar just below her eye from somewhere in the past few weeks, before finally letting go and making her walk over to Triss.
The girl turned around once more in search of a confident look, before she hooked up with Triss. The redhead, waited patiently outside the office with Sabrina still next to her, welcoming the girl back to her side with open arms.
She stroked a strand of ash-blond hair behind her ear before pushing Ciri between her and Sabrina before closing the door behind them. But not without hesitating a bit.
Lately, she always did that when she left a room and was about to leave Yennefer to her own devices. Wait, that’s wrong. When she left that room.
And she couldn't blame her. Sweet Triss, of all people, had been the one who first encountered this horrible scene back then. Tissaia with open wrists in Yennefer's arms. She herself sobbing like a wreck over Tissaia's lifeless body, while the blood on the ground soaked into her dress.
She stopped in shock in the doorway while Yennefer let out one heart-wrenching sob after another until she thought she couldn't breathe anymore.
And a small selfish part of her wished that. To just stop breathing, stop feeling, and stop breaking. Couldn't believe that without Tissaia they still had any chance. That they could still accomplish anything without the smaller woman.
She had only vaguely noticed how Triss had finally managed to detach her from Tissaia's body before leading her away and cleansing her of all the blood.
Since then, Triss only came into the room when she needed something from Yennefer or she was worried about the dark-haired mage because she hadn't left the room in too long. She hadn't seen the redhead standing in the room as casually as she did today with Ciri in four weeks. She avoided the office as best she could.
Quite the opposite of Yennefer.
For no sooner had she left the apathetic state the next morning than she went back to her former mentor's office to clean it. She did it without magic. Only with an old rag and a bucket of water and stopped only when the water stopped turning pink and her fingers were sore from cleaning.
In the following two days she had not left the room once until the funeral. Even after that, only to listen to Tissaia's advice and finally face Geralt. After she had done everything in her power to prevent Geralt from dying as well, she left it only for the most necessary things. When she had to discuss with Rita and the others her next courses of action, there were kings that were difficult to handle and for any lead that could have brought her closer to Ciri in any way.
And during those early days, she could always feel the presence of one of her sisters nearby. As if they feared she would do the same to the elder mage. As if she would abandon them all the second none of them kept a watchful eye on her.
But they didn't understand that she just needed to be there while she worked. Enveloped in her things and her scent. Because being there made that gaping wound inside her bleed over and over again, while at the same time it made her feel better. There was something bittersweet about it.
It made her bleed and healed her at the same time.
It was quite as Tissaia had said back in Rinde. She liked pain.
The small smile on her lips also disappeared almost in the same moment. Triss closed the door behind her and would be replaced by an exhausted expression.
With a weary sigh, the dark-haired mage circled the table to drop heavily back into the chair. She reached for the delicate flower again, carefully twirling it between her fingers once more before leaning back in the chair and thoughtfully examining the withered weed at eye level.
Unfortunately, this was a pain that she had never caused herself. She would therefore, never be able to do anything about it herself, because only time could do that. But not even time could ever do anything against the fact that Tissaia would be gone forever.
And just as little would it never be able to do anything about the unresolved issues between them. So many facets and things would never be uncovered now. They would forever float in that in-between space, without answers.
And there would be an emptiness that, despite any time, could probably never be filled the way Tissaia did. And considering that she was a mage, this would be an awfully long time.
But until she faced that, there were other tasks that required her attention at the moment. One of them was Vilgefortz. She would make the man suffer the next time she saw him. Make him pay for the hole he had unwittingly pushed Tissaia into with his actions.
But, this would be more difficult than thought, since it was not to be overlooked that he counted on her. During her search for Ciri in Nilfgaard, there were posters with her face all over the walls of the houses. He was obviously counting on her, which was one of the reasons she hadn't dared to use magic within Nilfgaard's borders. He would have noticed she was there, and that had been too risky at that point with Geralt, Jaskier, and Ciri at her side. No. By the time he learned she was coming for him, it would already be too late for him.
However, there was Ciri as well. The mere thought that the girl would cross paths with the other mage again made Yennefer nervous and she knew it would be hard to keep Ciri away from the front.
The blonde had been well on her way to independently making her way to the castle over the past few weeks, finally turning herself in and taking her own revenge on Vilgefortz. It had been reckless and naive. She didn't even like to think how it all could have ended if they had arrived just a day later. Melitele, one hour would have been enough and she could have done something stupid only to be dragged into the palace by a guard.
She had been happy at the time to find her again, but that didn't stop her from scolding Ciri for her stupidity. And Yennefer knew she was sorry. She could see it in the ashamed look on her face as she saw the concern in hers and Geralt's faces. In the way she played with her fingers and the way her whole posture seemed to slump all at once.
And yet, the omnipresent worry inside her had returned. She could still see the little spark of anger flashing in her green emeralds when Yennefer mentioned Vilgefortz. And Yennefer knew where that spark came from. Because she saw the dim flames of it every time she looked in the mirror. It was the thirst for revenge.
And Ciri in particular had every right to want this all to finally end, but Yennefer would never allow this to happen by Ciri's own hand. She was too young and still too pure, despite everything that had happened, to let something like this destroy her.
No, Yennefer would never let that fucking asshole corrupt her daughter and make sure she ended up not being herself like he had done to Tissaia. No, Vilgefortz was not even worthy of a glance from Ciri.
But with Yennefer, it was a very different story.
Now that Ciri was back home, he would get her full attention. And he might know now that she would come for him, but that knowledge didn't even begin to prepare him for what awaited him.
For the past four weeks, she had been out to kill Vilgefortz. She didn't care about the cost. Even if it had been her own life. As long as Ciri and Geralt were safe, the rest didn't matter. She had been bleeding to death internally for four weeks anyway, so what did it matter if she actually did it now?
And now Ciri was back. And she knew that she would be safe with Geralt, because just like her, he would die for Ciri. But the thought of leaving her behind... Suddenly, it was no longer just a live or die mission for her.
Since they had brought Ciri back, it was as if life had returned. She could see it when Rita greeted her at the entrance. The encounter between the older mage and Ciri may have been brief, but she could see new hope in her friend´s eyes.
Or Triss. She seemed like a changed person when she had just taken the girl to the lab and even Sabrina seemed to be less grumpy in the few minutes than she had been a few days ago.
And she herself felt the wound that had continued to bleed inside her since Tissaia's death finally begin to heal a little since Ciri was back. She knew she would never feel the same again. She couldn't. But she knew that with Ciri by her side, she could make herself not give up.
Because she may have lost her safe haven, but that didn't mean Ciri would lose hers as well. Because that's what her new goal would be when this was all over. To survive. For Ciri.