Chapter Text
“For the last time, Chisato,” Takina sighed, folding one of the few plain shirt she had before placing it in the open luggage waiting on her bed. “If you’re bored, you can leave.”
“But I want to help you pack,” her partner pouted, for the moment sitting cross-legged on her bed and toying with everything within reach.
“I don’t have much,” she retorted, for the hundredth time. “I don’t need help packing.”
“But we’re going to Hawaii!” Chisato exclaimed as she jumped to her feet, her arms held over her head. “I’m so excited!”
Takina could only sigh again as she returned her attention to the small closet that held all her clothes, pushing aside her Lycoris uniform. She wouldn’t need it, where they were going.
Pulling open another drawer and starting to fold and put away the pants and shorts there, she was aware that Chisato, instead of helping like she claimed she was doing, was just aimlessly wandering around in her bedroom, fiddling with the rare things she had accumulated during her stay here.
It has been a week, now, since she brought Chisato back from Okinawa. Chisato being Chisato, she fell back quickly into the old habits of the café, and less than a day later of her return, it felt like she was never gone. Like all those months meant nothing to the people Chisato left behind.
She hadn’t talked about it. Didn’t even mention it, since they were back in Tokyo. Takina wanted to believe that she was fine with it, and of course she was happy that she was back, but… She kind of expected for Chisato to… say something.
At least, Takina wanted her to.
“Oh what’s that? A letter?”
Distractedly looking over her shoulder to see what Chisato was talking about, Takina felt her eyes bulge out of her head when she could see, with extreme clarity, her partner bent over the small desk pushed in a corner, presently pulling closer the envelope with the tips of her fingers.
“A letter for me?” Chisato corrected, a note of excitement in her voice.
Just as the blonde picked up the letter to take a closer look, Takina dropped the folded shorts and crossed the distance of the room in a heartbeat to snatch it from her partner’s hand, causing Chisato to stare at her wordlessly, surprised.
“It’s- I mean, it’s not- Uh…” Takina was mumbling, embarrassed. She didn’t even think of taking the letter from her, and she just did. “It’s… private.”
“But… It has my name on it,” Chisato pointed out, her voice quiet.
Looking up at her partner, she could tell how genuinely surprised Chisato was to see her act so defensive over a letter that had her literal name on it. While it was true that it was private, why did she really feel the need to write her name on it? She knew she would never post it!
“It’s… I wrote it, when you were… gone,” she finally admitted, quiet, holding the letter close to her chest.
“… Oh.”
“I didn’t mean to post it, since, you know, we didn’t know where you were, but… I just needed those feeling to go somewhere. So I put them here. In this letter.”
“I see.”
As she opened her mouth to say something else, she wordlessly closed it, wondering what she should do. The reason it was in plain view on her desk was because she wrote one last entry in it.
“I actually wanted to throw it away, but I…”
Couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Not until she reads it.
“Why would you throw it away?” Chisato asked, then, tilting her head to the side curiously. “You just said it’s a letter where you put your feelings in. It can’t just be discarded.”
In the strip of sunlight filtering in from the window, Takina looked down at the letter in her hands. She could see all the wear on the envelope, showing how many times it was used. In one corner, there was even the faint imprint of her thumb, covered in her pen’s ink.
This letter has been her only vector, her only anchor to Chisato, when her partner was gone. It had been Mizuki’s idea, actually; tired of seeing her apparently nonplussed about Chisato leaving but noticing the increasing number of mistakes and mood swings and how she could be distracted sometimes, the older woman pulled her aside, a few weeks after Chisato was gone.
“You can’t keep pretending you don’t feel some type of way about this, Takina. It’s not healthy to keep everything inside, you need to let these feelings air, to move them somewhere. They’re only going to rot and fester inside you. Do you want to be rotten?”
“No.”
“Then air it out! If you can’t tell her directly… Hm. How about writing it down? Like a letter?”
“It’s… not a very nice letter,” Takina admitted, keeping her eyes to it.
“… I see.”
“You can have it, if you want,” she said slowly, feeling her heart pounding in her chest as she slowly set it back down on the desk, shifting it until it was aligned with the corner of it. “But don’t read it until you get home.”
Without waiting for an answer, Takina spun on her heels and went back to the closet, retrieving the abandoned pair of shorts that were now on a heap on the floor to continue folding the rest of her clothes.
The rest of the evening came and went in a much lighter mood, Chisato, as usual, moving right past that heavy subject, and all through the evening, Takina would sometimes glance back to her desk, seeing the letter was still sitting on her desk. She wondered if Chisato would take it, after all.
Eventually, Chisato left. After one last wave and a blinding smile, her partner was through the door, and Takina was a little disappointed that she didn’t take the letter. Why would she, though? She couldn’t help but scold herself, as she was standing in the shower and letting the water run down her face. She just admitted to Chisato that it wasn’t a nice letter, that she wrote when her partner was gone. Chisato was smart enough to know there was going to be a lot of anger in it.
Rubbing her face in the soft fabric of the towel to dry it as she was making her way to her bedroom with the intention of falling in it and hopefully forget all about that letter. She decided she would throw it away the next day, first thing in the morning.
One last time before bed, her eyes darted to the desk, searching for the faded white envelope that she left on it… Only to see her desk empty of it.
Her heart dropped, despite the fact she told Chisato to take it.
She didn’t actually think she would take it.
As she was on her way home, Chisato was staring at the letter in her hand, flipping it over and over again. She took it just before leaving, when Takina wasn’t looking, but… Some parts of her didn’t know if she should read it.
Takina’s expression, when she told her about that letter… Her amethyst eyes were so expressive when her face wasn’t. And in that moment, they were so full of so many things that Chisato couldn’t quite tell exactly what it was. She had known that Takina, that the team would be angry when she left, but…
Should she really read it? These were private thoughts. But… Takina told her to take it. They were destined to her. It was okay to read it.
Flipping the envelope back to stare at her written name on it, Chisato stopped on the sidewalk, staring at it. Even the handwriting for her name wasn’t as neat as Takina’s usual handwriting, as if her hand was shaking when she wrote it down.
Looking up to find the closest bench under a lamppost, Chisato decidedly made her way to it, sat down, and in one swift movement, opened the envelope.
The letter was a couple pages long, cut by several entries, all dated. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she started by the oldest entry, just two weeks after all that happened at the Radio Tower.
May 21
You left.
I held on for so long, that night, wondering if I made it in time to save you. I stayed awake, in a world of pain, refusing for the doctor to take me away to treat my wounds because I didn’t know if I made it in time. I wanted you to be okay. I wanted you to be able to live. I was swimming in morphine to dull the pain, but I just couldn’t leave, couldn’t sleep, not until I knew. I even pulled my gun on the doctor, when he tried to physically take me away.
Mika told him it was a toy, but the doctor left me alone. Then eventually, we had the news. The surgery was a success. You would live. You would be okay.
The relief alone made me pass out.
When I woke up, you were gone.
Without goodbyes. Not a single note. You just left.
Then I realised, though I wish I did earlier. You’re a coward. Always has been. As much as you’re a fighter in some aspects, you are the biggest coward I’ve ever seen, Chisato. Not always by running away, but by pretending everything is fine, putting a smile on your face, to avoid certain things, certain situations. An expert of avoidance.
I hate you for leaving me behind.
////////////////
June 8
The café isn’t the same without you.
And yet, whenever someone asks for you, I can’t help but become angry. I want to tell them that you didn’t care about them, and that’s why you left. You didn’t care, so that’s why you left them all behind. I want to tear your memory, in this café. This presence that you have even without being here. It irks me, that despite the fact you’re gone, everything is so you, everything reminds me of you. As if you were still here, but we just can’t see you.
I hate it.
////////////////////
June 13
While cleaning the lockers today, I found the bag decoration that I gave you. I have no idea how it landed here, maybe it fell from your bag with all the commotion that night, and Mika or someone picked it up and brought it back, I don’t know.
But I found it. At first, I wanted to put it in the trash, to chuck it out a window. Set it on fire, to shoot it as many times as I am able.
In the end, I cried.
All alone in the locker room, clutching this puny thing I gifted you, I fell to my knees and cried. It was the first time I did, since you were gone.
I cried for you, Chisato. Do you even care? Would you cry for me?
/////////////////////////
July 6
The aquarium closed down for renovations, again.
Not that I would ever go without you. I just figured you would like to know.
There is a festival here, I can’t remember which one. I haven’t been myself lately. I feel empty, aimless. I don’t notice things the way I used to. For some reason today, I found myself looking at the people going to the festival.
They all looked so happy, while I’m not. So full of life, while I’m not.
They reminded me so much of you, I had to leave.
I don’t want to think of you, but it’s all I ever do.
Chisato. Do you like fireworks? I despise them, ever since the Radio Tower. But you don’t let things like that get you down, right?
If we’re ever together again, would you like it if we go see them?
//////////////////
July 30
I saw a shooting star, tonight, and it reminded me of you.
So bright, and you feel so special when seeing one.
Just like you, coming through in my life.
Shooting stars leave you behind, too.
//////////////////
August 5
I saw another shooting star, tonight. It filled me with longing that I have no name for. It reminds me of you, every time.
Can you see them too, Chisato? Are we looking at the same shooting stars?
Do you think of me when looking at them?
/////////////////
August 15
I read the first entry of these letters, tonight. I was so angry, back then. I felt betrayed, hurt.
I wish you talked to me more. I wish I knew you better. We talked a lot, but you never really told me anything about yourself. You are still one big mystery to me, after all this time, and it might have been my fault. Maybe I should have tried to talk to you more, maybe I should have tried pushing more. But you always deflected the questions you didn’t want to answer so easily.
Do you ever regret leaving, Chisato? I wish you took me with you.
///////////////
August 24
Shooting stars again.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t seeking them out. Every night or so, I sit on the roof and watch over the sky, hoping to see one. For the brief reminder of you.
It’s silly, I know. There’s plenty of things to remember you by, but… Somehow, this is my way of remembering you.
How are you doing, Chisato? Are you well? There are so many things I wish I could say to you, despite the fact I know I probably never will. Talking isn’t really my strong suit.
I wish I could hear your laugh, see your smile. I wish you could call my name, one more time.
I miss you, Chisato. I miss you so much. I hope the shooting stars carry this love lost on me all the way to you.
////////////////////////
September 13
We found you.
We finally found you, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Tomorrow, I’m going out to get you and bring you back.
It’s decided, and yet, I’m sitting here, writing this letter, undecided. Should I yell at you, hit you until you apologise? Should I cry? Should I just pretend that everything is alright and I’ve been fine all this time?
I mourned you. You’re not dead, I know, but you were lost to me. We couldn’t find you, despite all of Kurumi’s talent. All this time, waiting, searching, to always come up empty.
And now, we found you, by happenstance. Kurumi keeps saying that it’s because it was meant to be, but… Is it really? If it was meant to be, then it would be you coming back.
Did you start a life over there? Do you have friends? Will you be okay with me, crashing down on this life that you’ve made, wherever you are?
We found you, Chisato. And despite everything, I’m not sure I’m happy about it.
/////////////////////
September 23
You’re here.
You’re here and it feels like a dream, like you never left in the first place. Everyone acts as if you didn’t just up and leave for months after a traumatic fight that could have costed you your life. Am I supposed to act like you didn’t break my heart, Chisato? That I just patiently waited for you to come back? That I just accepted the way you didn’t even say goodbye when you thought you were leaving to die somewhere?
I wish I could get mad at you. Well, I can, but not on this, apparently. It’s too close to this part of me that’s still hurting. I’m not even sure what I want you to tell me, to be honest. I sometimes wish I could just… Yell, until my voice gives out. All this time, I’ve carried so much pain and loneliness, it’s shackled to me, slowing me down, and…
And you act like it doesn’t matter. Like you can’t see them, can’t realise that you locked them there.
I love you, Chisato. But sometimes, I wish I didn’t. I think I would be able to yell and scream at you if I didn’t. But I do and I don’t know what to do.
You left me for months, and I grieved you. Now you’re back, and you don’t want to talk about anything that I think should be addressed.
We’re leaving for Hawaii, soon. Maybe there, I will be able to find the things to say. Maybe there, my heart will stop hurting with so much longing, despite the fact that you’re standing right there.
Lowering the final page of the letter to her lap, Chisato threw her head back, letting out a long, deep sigh as she closed her eyes. A soft breeze blew, rustling the pages in her hands, but she held them firmly; she wasn’t about to lose any of them. Not when Takina put all of her feelings on these pages.
Wordlessly, she returned the pages inside the envelope, and she stood again, continuing her journey home. One hand in her jacket’s pocket, the other dangling to her side as she was carrying the envelope that suddenly felt much heavier than before, her thoughts were buzzing, Takina’s letter stuck in her mind.
The sudden sound of laughter caught her attention, and she looked up to see a young couple leaving, hand in hand, from a nearby park. It was dark, now; despite the lights of the city trying so hard to make you think it wasn’t.
Spotting a patch of grass in relative darkness, Chisato went to it, and gracelessly fell one her back, sighing again as she looked up at the sky. The nearby lights were still hindering her vision of them a little, but she could see plenty of them, still.
She didn’t know how long she stayed there, keeping Takina’s letter close to her, a hand protectively resting on it. And yet, just when she was about to give up and go home, she felt her eyes widening, her breath catching in her throat.
A shooting star, crossing the sky in a flash, before disappearing again.
Suddenly, Chisato knew what she was going to do, as she sat up swiftly, to stare at the letter, her thumb rubbing the material of the envelope for a second.
“Alright,” she said to herself, before looking up, determined. “Let’s go write her some letters, too.”
Jumping to her feet with renewed energy, Chisato stretched as she started away, walking a lot faster than before.
Keeping the letter close in her pocket, Chisato knew a simple letter wouldn’t make it up to Takina… But it would be a start.