Chapter Text
Strike was walking aimlessly, his thoughts overpowering his peaceful mind. He’d just left Lucy’s house, where he’d spent the good part of the day. Deep down he knew he wasn’t in the mood for family visits but he’d promised, a few days previously, to check on Ted before they accommodate him in a care home in the middle of October.
Strike had a sleepless night. Yesterday he decided to be honest with Robin and tell her how he felt. In the immediate aftermath of those events his soul was extremely peaceful. However, later on, thinking it through, new emotions started to erupt. Hope… shame… self-conscious… longing… hope again… fear… That was Cormoran Strike’s night. Of course, he blamed for that his conversation with Pat. He knew that she had a pretty good point, but right now he wanted to be pissed off and not admit it.
Previous night
Strike was reading the client’s folder Robin had left him and was drinking a nonalcohol beer, when, out of nowhere, Pat appeared in front of him.
‘What are you doing here?’, asked Strike in astonishment.
‘I wanted to talk to you – today’, she added the last word with a noticeable emphasize.
‘Fine, what’s up?’, he was wondering whether a joke was appropriate but seeing her stern expression led him to a direct and serious approach.
‘After you left Robin came back –’
‘Really?! Did she say something?’
The second he opened his mouth he knew he sounded like a teenager excited for being noticed by the most gorgeous girl at school. Yet, he couldn’t stop himself.
‘See!’
‘What?!’
‘You need to talk it through with someone. I am not thrill by the prospect of that someone being me, but yeah…’
‘Pat, I don’t know wh –’
‘Her presence in the room elevated you. The mere mention of her name, raises your attention. Her existence, or absence in that matter, somehow defines you in one way or another. It is visible. It is clear. You are not deceiving anybody. At least, not anymore. And before you start denying or… I don’t know… feel less masculine, bear in mind that there is nothing wrong in being in love. That is not your problem.’
Strike was torn by two approaches – to tell Pat to mind her own business, or to be honest again today and see what could come out of this heart-to-heart.
‘And what my problem is?’
‘Your problem is you are not doing anything about it, while there is someone who does. He might not be the best for her, mind you I don’t consider you as best as well –’
‘Oh, thanks for the confidence shot’, said Strike bitterly and took a large sip of his drink.
‘Hear me out without interrupting me! I have a speech I practiced for a while, now I have the nerve, so…’
‘Sorry, a sensitive topic as you already sensed. I will take you a drink for the nerves,’ he tried to sound casual and lifted himself. ‘What do you want?’
Pat doubted for a couple of seconds and simply asked for gin and tonic. When at the bar, Strike thought how resourceful Pat was, and, obviously, good at reading people, or at least him. Worrying about how obvious his longing for Robin was for the other subcontractors or acquaintances was something to bother his mind later. Once Strike was back at the table and Pat was with a drink in her hands, she started again:
‘She is a good human being. Good on every level. Don’t talk!’, she saw his attempt to say his thoughts. ‘I know I am not her mother. But sometimes I feel protective of her… and sad at the same time. I know what happened to her at the uni. She told me once, so casually like it was nothing. I am a woman; I know it’s not nothing. Her marriage with that twat was also turbulent. She is at an age when, I suppose, everyone around her is getting married or having children. Probably her siblings as well. She went in a cult, where experienced who knows what. And on top of that wakes everyday and still be a good human being. So, yes, I really want her to be happy. She deserves it. I am not finished!’, she saw Strike was eager to speak.
‘I just wanted to say that I also consider her as a good person and want nothing but the best for her.’
‘I know you do. Let me talk. Murphy might not be perfect, probably he is having flaws we don’t even know about, but he is there for her. As far as I am aware, he is supportive and caring. Sometimes that is enough. Maybe it sounds pragmatic but compared to being alone, that is more than enough. Every human wants to have someone. You as well. You might not be there yet or you are trying to convince yourself that that is not the case but you are wrong. My guess is that you both just don’t know what that is. With the exception that she is starting to experience it. Which means that Murphy is way ahead of you. Exactly because of his flaws he is putting extra care and effort. Wait!’, she wanted to stop his attempts to talk her over. ‘He called me yesterday morning to ask whether we are planning something for her birthday because he wanted to take her to a romantic dinner and was wondering how to combine it with the party. See how ahead is he! Did you thought to organize something for her birthday? No, you even forgot it once. I am not judging, I am just pointing out that he cares, puts a lot of thought and efforts. Romantic getaway, dinners, parties, presents.
‘She is not materialist who cares about those things.’
‘But she appreciates the effort and care. Everyone does.’
‘I appreciate her, Pat!’, he was starting to feel a bit temperamental.
‘Don’t bite my head! I am explaining you how things work. He will propose soon. I am sure of it. Which will put her in a very delicate position of taking a decision of her future. She might surprise us all but my guess is she will actually accept it. Not of desperation but of longing for normality, stability and caring. And before you say that she, in particular, is not looking for that, no, she does. And when she accepts, or if she accepts, you will be presented with two options – to be the maid of honor, accept and support her decision and life (which I don’t know how you and your grumpiness will deal with that) or pull yourself together and fight back. Win her! It is not going to beneath you to fight for her. She is not just a woman, she is Robin. And she is very accustomed to your moods so probably would not be that difficult. Does it ever occur to you that you might have been her first choice but Murphy asked while you were just sitting in your chair, frowning?’
Strike decided not to share with her the after Ritz thing, or that he told Robin he loved her, because Pat was actually right, although he would not admit it.
‘Whatever you discussed today, she looked discombobulated when Murphy came, and afterwards, when coming back to look for you, she looked really distressed. I don’t like that! So. Pick up a damn side and stick to it. Murphy might not be the best option but if you are not going to provide accordingly or more, then step aside and leave her be.
‘You sound really threatening, you know that, right’, he managed to offer a small smile. In fact, he somehow needed this conversation and appreciated it.
‘I might not be your biggest fan but I like you. Not as much as I like her, but I mean no bad.’
‘I know and I appreciate it, Pat. I’m not saying you are right, nor that you are wrong. Just bare in mind that Robin is a fundamental pillar or my life and things are not that simple.’
‘I get that and that’s why I am here and I will be there for you’, declared Pat.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, you need to talk to someone from time to time. I bet you don’t do it. Talking about feelings is not where you shine. So, when you want or need to talk about it, I will be available’, said determinedly Pat.
Strike was not a sentimental man but something in Pat’s words really touched him. She could be his mother. And oddly he had the feeling that Leda would probably support that conversation.
‘I thought you were Team-Robin, why the sudden change towards me? Not that I am not grateful’, he really was.
‘I still am Team-Robin. That’s why I am doing it’, she said boldly.
‘But you like Murphy, don’t deny it.’
‘I do, but I also know, that you would come hell or high water for her, which is enough for me’, Pat smiled and drunk what was left in her glass. ‘I better go. Have a good weekend and think it through.’
‘Will do. Let me walk you to –’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, I am perfectly capable.’
‘Thank you, Pat!’
‘Anytime, just ask.’
So, Strike really thought about it. Pat had a point. And it was reasonable to conclude that telling Robin he was in love with her, right before going on a vacation with her boyfriend, was not only causing distress but probably an irritation as well. He needed to respect the boundaries and destroy them with different kind of honesty. He was also worried by Pat’s assumption that Murphy might propose and that there is a highly likely chance she accepted it. This morning, while traveling to Lucy’s, he decided to write her and apologize. He spent half an hour thinking about what to write and how to formulate his words. He changed it five times.
Robin, what I said yesterday was not appropriate.
It was the truth but not at the right moment.
I know that probably caused you distress and it was the last thing I wanted to do.
Enjoy your weekend!
See you, Sx
Since sending it, no reply came along. Not that it required any, but probably he was hoping for: “No worries, I feel the same way, I am coming to London right this second.’
He checked his phone for the millionth time and saw a missed phone call from Wardle. He called him back:
‘How’s the star?’, was Eric Wardle’s greeting. ‘Accepting fans already?’
‘Ha-ha, I’ll save you an autograph.’
‘How about tonight? Are you free for a pint?’
Strike’s honest answer would be that he was free but not in the mood. Still, he decided that a little cheering up might distract him from thoughts about Robin. That’s why he accepted the invitation and headed to the tube.
Little did he know, Robin was about to have a sleepless night as well.