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"hyung!"
one shot and it was over. this time it was aimed directly to the heart. he remembers how jake taught him to shoot one’s most vital point to make sure no one will get up and seek revenge.
the sound of a heavy body hitting the concrete startles him. the icy blue eyes that have always focused on him, now hold nothing but emptiness.
he falls to his knees and touches the still warm body, lays his head on his lap. "jake," he whispers weakly.
he can hear gren behind him mumbling like a maniac about how he killed a threatening gangster so it's justified and how he can't go to jail again.
"gren… what did you do?" shin asks, and that's the first time he feels the tears running down his cheeks after a long time of not letting himself do so. he cradles jake’s head in his arms before screaming out in agony, "what the hell did you do?!"
the handsome face that grew on him day by day was now still. jake looks calm in his death, almost like he's just taking a nap on shin's lap in their new bed on a sunday afternoon. a perfect picture that will never come true.
and that's when realization hits him like a ton of bricks. he’s not entirely sure when the shift happened. the beneficial deal they struck when they first met slowly but steadily became something more. jake forced his way into shin’s life, shin’s home. shin’s heart. at a certain point they lived as if they belonged to each other. belonged with each other. isn’t that what family is? shin doesn’t know but he would like to think so.
however, it’s too late. shin didn’t even have time to think of a future with jake and it was all taken from him in a split second. so that’s what grief feels like.
he bites down on his lower lip, swallowing down a soul crushing sob as he hugs him. with a shaky breath he says it, so only jake hears, for the first and last time, “i love you.”
.
.
.
darkness fills his vision. his heartbeat rings in his ears and it's hard to breathe. he’s disoriented, his mind a mess.
it takes his eyes a few seconds to adjust and then he sees him. gorgeous and shining under the moonlight filtering in through the window . pale limbs intertwined with his. icy blue eyes focusing on him.
"had a nightmare?”
letting out an inaudible sigh of relief, shin nods. it was all a dream. gren is at the rehab facility. and Jake is by his side, safe and sound. the only thing remaining unchanged is shin’s feelings towards him.
jake is looking down at him, supporting himself on one elbow while the other arm is wrapped around shin's waist. he has that signature wrinkle on his forehead and shin already knows it means he’s worried.
his usually sharp eyes soften as he lifts his hand to smooth the frown between shin's eyebrows, like he's trying to erase the unwanted thoughts in his mind. "forget it. you're here now," he whispers, caressing shin's cheek with his thumb.
the latter raises his own palm to jake’s face, holding it tenderly. he stares for a few moments, letting himself fully experience the other’s presence, the other’s breathing. the steady and strong heartbeat under his touch. it’s a comfortable silence, they don’t need words to fill the space.
then, before he even realizes, he says quietly, “do me a favor.” causing the other to raise his eyebrow in question.
“hmm? what is it?”
“don’t die on me,” he sounds determined, but underneath it there’s a hint of fear which doesn’t go under jake’s radar.
he looks surprised but still huffs a laugh, “it sounds more like a threat.”
shin smiles, not aware how fond it looks directed at the man above him. he moves his hand to jake’s buzz cut hair. it’s hard to grab but he loves the feeling of the spiky yet soft strands against his palm.
“it is. i can’t lose my powerful friend with benefits now, can i?” he’s not certain where he’s going with this teasing (mixed with the truth), because he knows it’s way more than that. after losing jake in his dream he wants to convey his feelings towards him clearly. he doesn’t want it to be too late. however, what they have is delicate, he’s afraid admitting it plainly as it is will change something between them.
jake leans down, covering shin’s body with his own like a blanket and traps him between his arms, wearing a challenging smile. “aren’t we past that? i thought we had something special.” he says, continuing the banter with his light tone. however, his eyes hold more weight to his words. “you even offered to drive me into the sunset.”
shin slaps his shoulder lightly. “i didn’t say it like that, dumbass.” he pauses for a moment before admitting, “but i meant it, either way.”
“i know. you’re too good for your own good, shingun.” jake says, leaving him more confused than anything. he starts planting kisses all over shin’s neck. “it’s your turn to do me a favor.”
“yeah?” shin breathes out, squirming underneath the feeling of jake’s heavy weight on him and his hot tongue against his skin. the subtle change of subject doesn’t go unnoticed by shin. he understands, a gangster can’t take the risk to promise such a thing. gangsters shoot each other all the time , even shin said so himself while trying to protect gren from the mercifuls. he will let it go, for now.
“sign on a new deal with me.”
shin groans. “you and your deals and contracts, i can’t ever escape this business relationship,” he jokingly complains before taking jake’s ear between his teeth.
a sharp breath escapes the latter’s nose before his fingers make their way up shin’s arm and finally intertwine with his. he pauses, face to face with shin, so close that their breaths become one and the only thing in their vision is the other’s eyes. suddenly, the atmosphere becomes much more serious than it was a minute ago.
“stay with me,” he whispers sincerely as he squeezes shin’s fingers. “i can’t let you go. i won’t let you go, shingun. so stay with me without regrets.”
a shadow of vulnerability passes through his eyes but it’s long gone before shin fully catches it. it’s something new and unfamiliar about the man, he wants to see more of it, but jake still won’t put his guard down fully around him.
at least shin got the reassurance he needed all this time- jake fears losing him, too. jake needs him too.
although he has his own unconventional ways to convey his feelings, the meaning reaches shin’s heart all the same. but what does he mean, without regrets? does he mean regrets regarding being involved with a drug dealing gangster that would kill anyone for him? he’s not entirely sure, but he’s already made a choice, by his own free will.
jake is waiting, searching all over shin’s face for an answer. the latter always wonders how well this man is able to read through him. so well that he doesn’t need a verbal reaction. soon enough he finds the answer he wants in shin’s unwavering mismatched eyes, and he doesn’t waste any time.
reaching for shin’s chin he holds it gently in his fingers, tilting his head slightly upwards. he seals the deal with a soft kiss, before continuing to take shin’s breath away passionately.
tonight might not be the night they have great declarations of love, nor long conversations about their life. however now each of them confidently knows and feels- shown by actions and unwritten deals- they choose each other, they love each other. and right at this moment, in each other’s embrace, it’s all that matters.