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“We all live and we all die. Sorry if I tried to speed up the never ending cycle, Harry”
“You’ve got to stop this because eventually your going to succeed and I don’t actually think I could live in a world that you don’t live in. You can’t keep doing this to me, to all of us.” Harry was staring at me with tears falling down his chubby cheeks, “Ni.” It was a plea and he didn’t even know what he was asking for.
”I didn’t mean to go so deep.” I said looking away, “It wasn’t even on purpose this time. It just happened.” I started playing with the monitor attached to my finger and the IV embedded in the top of my hand. The constant beeping of the heart monitor was driving me crazy and my skin was itching under the white bandages wrapped around my wrists. I just wanted everything to stop. I was done and the beeping just kept reminding me that I was still here.
Although it was kind of hard to think like that when Harry was sitting next to me crying his eyes out because he thought that he had lost me.
I’d never understood why he liked me so much anyway. I was fat, ugly, obnoxious, and annoying. But still, for some unknown reason, he wanted me around. It didn’t make sense why and of the boys wanted me anymore. I’d always be the weak link. Maybe they’d of actually won the X Factor if they hadn’t of gotten stuck with me.
My thoughts were everywhere per usual but my eyes were focused only on Harry’s watery green eyes. He was upset and it was all my fault.
If I’d of actually died I wouldn’t have to watch Harry fall apart. Everything would be better. Harry would get over it and they would all just forget about me. “Will you go get Louis?” He looked at me like I’d just slapped him, “Please, Haz, I just want see him. You can come back in a little bit with everyone else I just need to see Louis first.”
Harry nodded and wiped away a few tears before leaving my room to go get Louis
A few minuets later I was picking at my bandages when the door and Louis walked in quietly closing the door behind himself. He had a sad little smile on his face and it made me even worse seeing the state I’d put our little joker in. He walked towards my bed slowly and I could already tell that he’d been trying to keep it together for everyone’s sake.
All the daddy direction stuff everyone says about Liam is true, to an extent at least. But when it comes to the important stuff, Louis’ age shows through. He’s the glue that keeps everyone together. Mainly because he’s the only one that can keep herself composed when everything is falling apart around him. That was why I wanted to see him. Because I knew he wouldn’t fall apart in front of me.
He could keep it together long enough for an actual conversation.
And that was what I needed at that moment.
“I won’t break ya know. ‘m not made of porcelain.” I told him to break the carefully crafted silence he’d been creating.
“I really thought we’d lost you this time. There- there was so much blood, Ni. Harry was covered in it. He didn’t want to let you go. The paramedics could barely pull him away.” Louis wasn’t getting upset. He was so calm it was almost scary. He was telling me what had happened, just like every other time. He told me what he knew none of the other boys would, it was his own personal brand of guilt. “Zayn had a panic attack when Liam went to get him. I don’t think there are anymore tears left between the two of them. I called El a little while ago and she was supper pissed. Said that you had promised to call her if things got to be too much again.” Eleanor might have been Louis’ girlfriend and Harry’s friend first. But I’d been close to her since I’d met here. She understood me more than anyone else ever would because she’d had some issues when she was younger.
“Did you call my mom and dad?”
Louis shook his head, “Didn’t want to worry them until we knew what was going to happen.”
“And the fans?” I bit my lip unsure of how many more lies the fans and the press would fall for. The last thing I wanted was to mess anything up for the boys simply because I’m a screw up.
”Don’t even know you’re here. Paul made sure nobody found out this time. He’s afraid people might start getting suspicious.”
I shrugged “A guy can only get food poising so many times...”
“Wish it was just food poisoning,” Louis whispered to himself.
“I’m sorry, Lou.” I said.
“No you’re not.” He sighed.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.” I at least meant that much.
“If you didn’t want to hurt us then you’d stop trying to kill yourself.” Short and to the point. Even if it did hurt to hear him say it because he’d never understand.
“Did Eleanor say she was coming tonight?” She would understand, she was the only one that could.
He shook his head, “Visiting hours are almost over, By the time she’d of gotten here they wouldn’t have let her in. She said she’d be here in the morning. As soon as visiting hours started.” As much as I loved Lou and the boys I still wished that El was here with me at the moment. Louis gave me a sad smile right before we both hear a quiet knock on the door.
Zayn quietly walked into the room and gave Louis a look I didn’t understand but caused Louis to leave the room anyway.
Zayn walked over to my bed and sat on the edge of it settling a hand on my leg, “Alright buddy, we’re going to have a serious conversation.” I sat up a little straighter so he would know that I was paying attention. “They want to keep you here for a few weeks, until they think you’re stable. I already know you aren’t going to want to stay here and since,legally, you’re old enough to make your own choices they can’t exactly make you stay. I thought maybe you could stay with me for a little while. I don’t really want you to be alone right now. Plus it would make me feel a whole lot better if you were with me.”
I just nodded, There was no point in arguing. I’d already put him through enough today. “I’m sorry I made you have a panic attack.” I knew it wouldn’t change anything but I still needed him to know that I felt bad about it.
“Stop scaring us like this and I’ll forgive you.”
“You know I can’t promise you that, Zayn.”
“You can promise to make more of an attempt this time. Last time this happened you went home and starved yourself. You weren’t even home for a week before we had to bring you back because you were so sick.” I couldn’t even look him in the eye because I knew he was right. The last time I tried to kill myself I was so pissed that it didn’t work that as soon as I went home I stopped eating and I started cutting, more so than usual. It was pretty bad and it got even worse when Liam found out.
I really thought he he was going to end it for me. He was murderous and Paul wouldn’t even let him near me for days. Things were ugly for a weeks between everyone and it made me feel even worse because I really thought that my fuck up was going to ruin the entire band. All I could think about was that if I hadn’t of been suck a fuck up I’d ‘ve been gone and they wouldn’t have been taking sides and getting angry at each other for no reason. I was ruining everything. Not that Zayn or Harry would let me believe that for a moment. The thought stayed in my mind anyway.
I mean deep down I knew it wasn’t my fault I was so fucked up and that it wasn’t my fault that Liam got so mad about everything. The only thing that was my fault was that I was a fuck up that couldn’t do a good enough job at getting rid of myself.
“You know this would be a lot easier if you just stopped pretending that you give a shit about me. You guys will do just fine without me.”
“Shut up!” He yelled at me. He actually yelled at me. “shut the Hell up, Niall. It wouldn’t be easier because rather you like it or not we care about you. Nobody’s lying. We all love you, if we didn’t we wouldn’t be here raking our brains trying to figure out what we’re doing wrong. Because obviously we aren’t doing anything right considering you’re back in here. Again.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Then why aren’t we enough?” His voice cracked and his eyes filled with tears. “Why, Niall? Why? Why can’t we be enough? Why can’t I be enough?” And my already broken heart shattered into a million pieces.
“Zayn, I- I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I reached out for him.
“Then stop hurting me. Let us get you the help you need.” He took my hand in both of his, “Let me help you.” There were tears flooding in my own eyes. “I want to help you, Niall. I love you.”
“Zayn,” I wanted to say more (needed to say more) but as soon as I opened my mouth the door opened and Zayn dropped my hand.
I was expecting Harry and was surprised to see Liam walk into the room first. Louis following and Harry trailing behind him.
It looked like he had finally calmed down. Or at least he was calmer than he had been when I had seen him earlier. His eyes were still bloodshot from all the crying, but his cheeks were less red and it looked like he had washed his face and tried to tame his unruly curls a bit.
Liam sat in the chair next to my bed and brushed my hair out of my face with his fingertips, “How you feeling, Nialler?” I really had thought that Liam would be the easiest but that heartbroken smile ruined me. My face crumpled, and my hands fitted themselves into the material of Liam’s shirt, as I choked back tears. This was just too much. I was able to handle it every other time, but for some reason this time I just couldn’t. They all looked so heartbroken.
That’s when it really hit me that they actually cared. They weren’t just doing what they thought they had to do. They wanted to be here because they actually did care. It didn’t make sense why they would care about someone like me but they did.
That’s why I moved in with Zayn.
That’s I let them cart me off to therapy every week.
That’s why I got better.
And that’s the reason Zayn and I got together.
Because if I hadn’t of realized that they cared about me I would have kept trying until I eventually cut deep enough, or swallowed enough pills that they couldn't fix me anymore.