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When Dan’s eyes finally dragged open, his first thought was that the room was far too bright.
The more he woke up, the more he became aware of how horrible he felt. His head was splitting in half and his stomach was seasick and his throat hurt and his senses were in overload. He groaned, rolling onto his stomach and burying his head back in the pillows, hoping that would make it at least a little better. It barely made a difference.
“Dan, wake up.” Phil’s voice rumbled from beside him. Normally there was no sound he liked better, but right now, no sound was pleasant and Phil was already making impossible demands.
“Fuck off.” He grumbled. Phil’s laughter rang out in the room, piercing right through Dan’s skull. He grumbled wordlessly again. Phil leant over him, blocking out some of the light, and kissed his cheek. It felt even nicer than normal amongst all of the hurting.
“If you get up then I’ll make you some hangover breakfast or something.” Dan shook his head, burying into the soft part of Phil’s body next to his face that he assumed was a thigh.
“I’m staying in this bed, forever.” He mumbled, feeling flannel against his lips, confirming his thoughts about the thigh.
“I hate you.” Phil huffed. Dan heard the tapping of fingers on keys, and he figured Phil was on his laptop. That sound was also unfriendly.
“Phil. Phil, I’m literally dying.” Dan could hear himself losing his ‘l’s but he didn’t care enough to be embarrassed at all. Phil had always found it endearing anyway.
“Say ‘hi’ to Satan from me when you get to hell.” Phil replied unsympathetically without looking up from his computer.
“You… are unpleasant.”
“I told you to drink water! I said like twenty times, ‘Dan you should drink some water or you’re going to hate everything tomorrow’.” Phil was clearly trying to hold in his amusement, though Dan couldn’t tell if it was so as not to hurt Dan’s feelings or his head. He was so painfully correct that it hurt Dan’s feelings anyway. Phil had said that, over and over again, to drink water.
“You were also the one who was all ‘ooh, Dan, let’s have drinks tonight there was a special on… crazy vodka flavours…’” Though, Phil had been telling him to drink water in between praising Dan's dimples and interrupting their conversations briefly to tell Dan out of nowhere that he was sexy, so he couldn't bring himself to legitimately regret the evening as a whole.
“You’re right, I should never suggest that we have fun together. We should aspire to be a boring domesticated couple that does all the same things every day, slowly but surely growing to resent each other and our mundane lives until the apocalypse comes for us all.” Dan tried to groan yet again only to discover that it hurt both his head and throat even more.
“Or you could just be pushier about the water issue next time.”
“Or you could listen to me about the water next time.” Phil’s tone was completely flat, and Dan was honestly offended by how little responsibility Phil was willing to assume for his current condition.
“There was so much liquid inside of me Phil!” He tried to explain, because honestly Phil drank just as much alcohol as him, it was just plain embarrassing that he was sitting there, perfectly fine.
“That’s what sh-”
“Don’t you dare.” He cut Phil off, rolling away from him on principle.
“I’m sorry!” The fact that Phil was chuckling somewhat undermined the statement.
“There wasn’t any room for any more liquids in my stomach, Phil, it was already completely full.” He attempted to justify. It was a fairly flimsy excuse, but even without drinking any water, he was still certain he couldn’t have had enough to drink to feel this awful. He was also certain that Phil should be nicer to him anyway.
“Poor baby. Such a difficult situation.”
“Rude.”
“I have no sympathy. I tried to help you avoid this.” Phil was moving beside him, churning Dan’s stomach up even more.
“It’s funny how everyone thinks you’re really nice because actually you’re terrible.” Phil’s weight left the bed entirely.
“You love me. And I said I’d make you some breakfast but you have to get up.” Suddenly there was pressure on Dan’s arm and he was moving from side-to-side and it had to be Phil’s fault. He flailed his arms, and the movement stopped, but Phil was still cackling exaggeratedly behind him.
“You put that hellish condition on your affection, and then you did that.” he complained as he pulled Phil’s pillow over his own head.
“Oh my God.” The sound of Phil’s voice and footsteps was muffled, but he was definitely leaving. He tossed Phil’s pillow back into place.
“Where are you going?” he asked, watching through half-lidded eyes as Phil walked out of the room, not bothering to close the door, much to Dan’s chagrin. When he didn’t receive a reply, he huffed and buried himself again. “You’re my least favourite.” He called out. His voice cracked in the middle of the statement. Phil still didn’t answer, so Dan let sleep take him back for as long as possible.
***
When Dan woke up again about a half hour later, he could smell bacon, and other cooking smells that were possibly pressed coffee and eggs. He found that he didn’t feel much better at all and there was the solid chance that phil would be a spiteful little troll and not let him have any of the tasty smelling food he was cooking. Despite those downsides, he did want some kind of food, and there was no doubt painkillers in the kitchen. He dragged himself out of the bed, grabbing yesterday’s jumper from where it had been discarded last night and pulling it on over his bare chest to make up for the loss of the duvet. He considered finding pyjama bottoms or trackpants, but considering the effort required, he decided against it. If Phil’s fondness for his thighs would help score him breakfast that was merely a fortunate side effect. He shuffled towards the kitchen, fists pressed to his eyes.
“I smelt bacon.” He announced weakly as he leant against the doorframe. Phil looked up from the pan and over at him and offered a smile that was actually almost sympathetic.
“You did.”
“Do I get some?” he queried, putting on the best attempt at puppy-dog eyes he was capable of. Phil nodded.
“I was going to bring it to you in bed because I’m the best but now you thwarted that plan.” He moved in to lean his chin against Phil’s shoulder.
“You are pretty great.” He whispered, kissing Phil’s jaw. Phil ruffled Dan’s hair with his left hand and grabbed the tongs in his right.
“There’s painkillers and cough syrup on the bench next to coffee.” He told him, gesturing with the tongs and beginning to move bacon onto the plate. When Dan looked over, he saw that Phil had even cut the tablets in half to make it easier for Dan to swallow. Even though he hadn’t even taken the painkillers yet, but Dan couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit better.
“I love you. Even when you get me drunk.” He told Phil as he took the pills with a mouthful of coffee.
“Here you go.” Phil held out a plate of bacon, eggs and toast towards him.
“Will you be offended if I take my food back to bed?” Phil rolled his eyes at him, but they were soft behind his glasses.
“Nope.” Dan grabbed cutlery and took the plate from his boyfriend.
“You know where I’ll be. Forever. I’m never getting out of bed again.” He heard the amusement in Phil’s tone as he replied with,
“I’m sure, Dan.”
***
It was past midday when Dan finally decided he was going to get out of bed. Mostly because he was hungover and probably getting a cold so if he was feeling a little clingy and wanted his boyfriend, that felt kind of excusable. He took his plate and his mug into the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher, before making his way to the living room. Phil was sitting with his long legs stretched out over the short end of the ‘L’ of the sofa, his back in Dan’s usual ‘sofa-crease’, computer in his lap.
“Hey Captain Grumps.” He said when Dan sat down beside him “I thought you were staying in bed forever.”
“Shut up.”
“Also I thought I was terrible and unpleasant and your least favourite.” He lifted the laptop knowingly, allowing for Dan to lie down over his thighs, head on a pillow against the sofa’s arm. The laptop found a new home sitting on Dan’s chest.
“You didn’t believe a single word of it. You’re perfectly aware that the only person who loves you more than drunk me is sober me, even when I’m hungover and salty about it.” His eyes slipped closed again and he felt Phil’s hand pushing back his fringe and Phil’s lips press a kiss to his forehead.
“You’re adorable. Love you too.”
“The most?” Dan opened one eye and drank in the openly fond expression on Phil’s face.
“Definitely the most.”
“Well thank God for that.” he threw his arm over his eyes to shield them a little more from the light of the room. He may have decided to brave it to be close to Phil, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t defend himself from it. “I’m pretty sure I’m getting like actual sick. Like a cold or something. Which isn’t helping.”
“Yeah you sound a little husky there.” Phil informed him, beginning to type again. Phil was probably writing for the book. He'd forgive Dan for the distraction eventually.
“Euthanize me Phil honestly.” He sighed heavily, resisting the urge to shuffle around out of courtesy for Phil.
“Nope.”
“It’d be a mercy killing.” His tone sounded whiny even to him, but Phil’s chest rumbled a little with the soft, deep kind of laughter that he reserved just for Dan in their private, intimate moments, so he assumed he was forgiven.
“Yes, but unfortunately I kinda like your company so I don’t think I could live with the guilt.” Phil grabbing him, one hand on his thigh and the other on his middle, to pull him in as close as possible. “Go to sleep, Bear.”
“G’night then.”
“Good morning.” Phil’s tone sounded teasing. Dan blindly poked what was probably his upper arm.
“Shu’ up.” He felt Phil’s fingers threading gently in his hair as he began to drift off. He remembered Phil drunkenly waxing poetic last night, and plenty of nights beforehand, about how he associated the feeling of having his fingers in Dan’s hair with home and comfort and most of his favourite times. Dan’s lips curled into a smile despite the aching in his head and scratching in his throat, and he dozed off again with that little grin on his face.