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Eddie was still angry. Somewhere between furious and resentful. How could he not be?
He felt betrayed by Buck despite knowing that that wasn’t his intention behind the lawsuit. But the feelings were pooling somewhere deep down in his stomach and after yelling at him that day in the middle of the grocery store, the entire 118 watching, he felt relieved. But only for a second.
And when Buck came back, the forgiveness hadn’t exactly come easy. Eddie was still working on it somewhere deep down but he had lied to Buck. Told him that things were going to be fine between them. But he didn’t know that.
He was taking his anger out on strangers, fighting them in a dusty warehouse, trying to find some sort of escape from the darkest corner of his mind. And he didn’t exactly protect his hands very well.
It’s all a part of it. That’s what makes a good fight. It has to be raw and bloody, someone had told him.
At work, he wore gloves as much as possible to hide the swelling and the bruises, his knuckles stained a mix of black and a deep blue. He was nearly certain that he had broken some bones in his pinky and ring finger as long as the knuckles because he could barely grip around anything, subconsciously moving them away from whatever he held in his hand. It wasn’t exactly discreet but part of him felt like he deserved it.
Deserved the pain.
Deserved to feel a constant aching in his bones and in his chest whenever he looked at his best friend.
Deserved to feel alone, abandoned and lost.
Tormenting himself mentally and physically was the only way that he knew how to cope.
It always had been.
He carried his wounds inside of him, ready to burst at the seams at any moment.
Sometimes they would feel like they were healing, just for a second, before they were spilt open right down the middle.
Fuck needing someone else.
Fuck allowing someone to come this close, to let someone in and to have your happiness depend on that person.
And maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t angry.
He was hurt.
He was sad. He felt a sense of loss. The feeling of betrayal that had ensued after the lawsuit stemmed much deeper than just Buck and he knew that. But for now, it was easier to pretend that things were alright, that people didn’t need to worry about it, and that things were under control.
They were out on a call when he felt Buck staring at his hand, almost hovering over his shoulder and Eddie felt his heart crashing against his chest, feeling like it was being ripped out of his body with every single breath. He knew that Buck would notice. Parts of him had hoped that he would because it would give Eddie a chance to prove once and for all that he wasn’t angry. Because Buck hadn’t believed it when Eddie had told him that he was forgiven. He wanted to but he couldn’t.
Because things were different now. They didn’t talk about it but they both knew that it was true. Trying to go about his life, acting like he was over the pain, the burning pain in his heart, and the knots in his stomach, it required more effort than Eddie was capable of right now.
Sitting on his couch, pressing the ice pack against his hand, the room barely lit so that he couldn’t see the damage done on his hand, made it all feel so much worse.
So much more lonely.
He groaned lowly when he recognized the familiar sound of Buck’s knocking. Two steady taps. And when Eddie was there, the light from the hallway lit up his apartment and Buck didn’t say anything, he just stepped inside.
“What’s with the Batman routine?” Buck joked when he looked around the room, noticing that the only light that was on in Eddie’s living room, was the small lamp by the couch. Eddie was holding the door open, his hand hid behind his back until Buck had walked past him.
“Nothing, I was just… trying to sleep” Eddie said, quickly closing the door behind Buck. Eddie’s words elicited a scoff from Buck and he stopped dead in his tracks, turning on his heel to look at Eddie.
“So what’s with the hand?” Buck pointed to Eddie’s right hand, his left supporting it and Eddie made sure to not react. He dropped both hands down his sides, feeling his jaw clench shut and he shook his head a little.
“Oh so you’re not gonna talk to me about this? I thought we were over this!” Buck’s voice sounded pained, it sounded worried and confused.
The same emotions showed up on his face as he turned on the lights in the living room, standing hardly a foot away from Eddie.
“What the hell are you thinking? You can’t just… run around getting fucking hurt, Eddie. You need your hands to work and this, this doesn’t look like it’s working” Buck continued and grabbed Eddie’s wrist, holding his right hand up between them and now Buck could truly see the damage.
Eddie’s two fingers were badly damaged, swollen, and bruised. There were also some minor gashes around his knuckles like they had come into contact with a hard surface that didn’t move. And the way that he was holding them, indicated that they were broken. Both of his hands looked that way like he had been punching people or things without anything to protect them. But his right hand was worse.
“Works just fine” Eddie pulled his hand out of Buck’s grip, not that it took a lot because it wasn’t exactly that tight.
“I somehow don’t believe you” Buck rolled his eyes nearly to the back of his head.
He took a few steps away from Eddie and then turned around, tossing a bundle of keys to him and they fell to the ground right after landing in his hand.
Eddie could feel his chest moving faster than he anticipated and he looked down on the keys on the ground, mocking him. He picked them up with the other hand, tossing them on the kitchen counter instead as he watched Buck’s facial expression go from enraged to concerned. He threw up his arms in defeat and shook his head at Eddie, feeling guilty about the way that Eddie was handling, or rather wasn’t, handling his feelings.
“Still keep the first aid kit in the same place?” Buck pointed towards the bathroom and didn’t wait for an answer before he went in there, grabbed the kit and returned to see that Eddie hadn’t moved an inch.
“I’m not doing that” Eddie grumbled, almost sounding like a child that didn’t want to go to school. Buck shot him a pointed look and even with the way that Eddie was feeling, he silently agreed and sat down on the couch, Buck following soon after. Eddie watched Buck’s hands as he opened up the kit and laid up the supplies that he needed, in front of him.
“Hand. Please” Buck held out his own and Eddie quietly protested by not giving Buck his hand. It made Buck sigh in frustration and Eddie could tell that his patience was wearing thin.
“Alright. So are you going to tell me how in the hell that this happened or are we just gonna sit in silence for the rest of the night? Because I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me” Buck said and Eddie opened his mouth to say something but then hesitated because he knew that it would only make Buck more upset if he knew what happened.
“Buck” Eddie spoke, his voice filled with a mix of sadness but also annoyance. He didn’t want to talk about it. He just wanted to let it go and to have things be how they were. But he knew that neither wasn’t going to happen. Not that easily at least.
“Eddie” Buck’s voice was sharp, more so than intended and it made Eddie feel even worse. He knew that Buck hadn’t wanted to hurt him. That he hadn’t wanted to hurt the rest of the crew and their feelings. But it still happened. And it couldn’t be undone.
The two of them sat in silence for a while until Buck suddenly shot up like a rocket, running his hands from his hair, clearly trying to calm himself down.
“Sit down” Eddie told him and Buck shook his head, not wanting to. He dropped his hands and exhaled sharply then chewed on his lower lip. Eddie gestured to the seat next to him with his eyes and Buck sat back down. The tension between them was unbearable, everything seemed so out of place and Eddie could feel a storm brewing inside of him. He didn’t know how to say what he was about to say without sounding like a hypocrite. And maybe he was.
Maybe he was a hypocrite for thinking that Buck loved him the way that he did. Maybe he was a hypocrite for not understanding Buck’s side in all of this, how lonely it must have been. Maybe he was a hypocrite because all he had been able to focus on was what it did to him, to his heart, to his soul, and his mind.
Buck slowly picked up some of the medical supplies and carefully took Eddie’s hand in his hand, dapping the back of his hand with a small cotton ball, soaked in sanitizer. It distracted Eddie from what he was about to say and he winced in pain despite of Buck’s gentle movements, watching how Buck traced the ball around his knuckles, cleaning up the gashes.
“Fuck, it hurts” Eddie breathed out, surprised by how much he could suddenly feel the throbbing pain in his hand. He could feel it both of them but this was worse. It crept up from his wrist to every single fingertip, every muscle in his hand tensing up to protect itself. “You hurt me, Buck. You hurt me and I had to find a way to make the pain go away” He spoke which made Buck pause his movements.
“Oh so we’re talking about it now?” Buck mumbled bitterly before returning his focus to Eddie’s wounds.
“Cut the crap, Buck” Eddie said and retracted his hand which made Buck look like a little wounded bird. Eddie never knew what to say or do and Buck’s sad baby blues staring back at him wasn’t helping.
“Give me your hand. Please” Buck’s voice was pleading and Eddie couldn’t help to comply, giving Buck what he wanted which was clearly a way on focusing his attention and feelings towards something else.
“I’m serious. What you did, it was a nightmare for me. For Christopher. You’re the one person that I trust more than anyone in this world and you used it. I know why you did. Doesn’t mean that it didn’t fucking suck” Eddie told Buck who was listening but not responding and Eddie nearly retracted his hand when Buck touched his ring finger.
The touch was feather light but the pain was immense and parts of him still felt like he deserved it.
“I thought you forgave me” Buck said, his voice nearly shaking. He knew that Eddie hadn’t forgiven him. He knew that Eddie wanted to forgive him but that he couldn’t. But what he did know was why.
“I tried. I fucking tried, Buck. But I still didn’t feel like I could talk to you like I used to, trust you like I used to and that’s the worst part about it. So I-…” Eddie trailed off as he looked down at his hands carefully placed in Buck’s. He had stopped cleaning his wounds and now he was just stroking his knuckles carefully, his skin warm and calloused against Eddie’s. “I started doing street fights. Lena showed me” Eddie admitted and Buck’s movements stopped completely but he didn’t lift his head to look at Eddie.
“So you hurt yourself because of me. You broke two fingers because of me. I-… I don’t know what to make of that” Buck chuckled wryly, his head nearly spinning at the thought of Eddie hurting himself because of all of this.
“No I hurt myself because I didn’t know what else to do, what else to say and how to deal with everything. It was an easy decision” Eddie promptly said and that’s when Buck finally looked up at him, meeting his eyes. Buck’s eyes were glassy and he was biting his lip harshly, almost drawing blood.
“Why the hell would you do that? Now you got two broken fingers and if I’m not mistaken” Buck reached out and put his hand on Eddie’s side, pressing it on gently and it made Eddie nearly jump in his seat. “Bruised ribs” Buck concluded and Eddie clenched his jaw tightly, grinding his teeth.
“How is it an easy decision to hurt yourself like this?” Buck questioned and Eddie pulled his entire body away from Buck. He stood up, holding his arms across his chest and Buck quickly followed, standing face to face with him again.
Buck knew exactly how easy it was to decide to hurt yourself, to find an outlet for your pain and for people that you love, to make them see you.
That didn’t mean that he wanted the same for Eddie.
Eddie felt frustration rising in him again but it felt different this time around and it felt like Buck had struck a nerve without knowing it.
“Because Evan, I’m in love with you! How can you not see that?” Eddie’s words escaped his mouth faster than he could think them and it wasn’t until he saw the look on Buck’s face that he realized what he had just said.
Buck’s jaw felt like it dropped to the floor when Eddie spoke and his eyes widened in pure surprise, his breathing picking up in pace for a few seconds as he just stared at Eddie.
“What?” Buck breathed out as he finally managed to understand what was happening. He was going through a whole array of emotions - surprise, excitement, happiness, nervousness and then back to surprise. And it read so clearly on his face.
Eddie stepped closer to Buck, now owning up to what he had said and then placed a hand on his cheek, gently and slowly until he felt Buck leaning into his touch. It felt new and different but so good to be touching him this way. “I am in love with you. How could I not be?” Eddie said and then watched Buck’s face beamed with joy.
Not knowing what to say, it threw Buck off his game because he always had something to say about everything.
But this, this was a first.
Instead he decided to take another step closer to Eddie, closing the distance between them entirely as he grabbed onto the front of his shirt and pulled them flush against one another. Eddie didn’t even have time to react before Buck’s soft lips crash landed against his and it took him a few seconds to even register what was happening but when he did, he kissed Buck back in an instant, not wanting to waste another moment.
Their lips worked with each other, frenzied and deeply, Buck’s grip on Eddie’s shirt tightening as they kissed. And right now Eddie hated not having two fully functioning hands because he wanted nothing more than to hold on Buck’s hips. His working hand traveled from Buck’s cheek, down to his shoulder and onto the small of his back, holding him pressed against his chest as they slowly started to break apart.
“You’re in love with me?” Buck questioned, his forehead leaning against the shorter man. He slowly leaned back, catching Eddie’s eyes in a soft and loving gaze. Eddie’s lips were slightly swollen and beautifully pink, his breathing slightly heavy as he looked back at Buck.
“Yes” Eddie confirmed with a nod and Buck let out a loud, heartfelt laugh and then put his hands on Eddie’s cheeks.
“You’re in love with me” Buck was no longer questioning, he was stating and a feeling of relief washed over Eddie, his entire body relaxing into Buck’s gentle touch.
“I am” Eddie smiled and Buck glanced down at their chests, feeling Eddie’s move with his in a perfect synchronized manner. Eddie could no longer feel the aching in his hands, he could no longer feel the bitterness and the fear of losing Buck that had been drilling into his skull for the past few months. Buck was safe in his arms and by his reaction, Buck felt the same way that he did. If not more. The feelings in him had changed almost overnight and he had no regrets about telling Buck how he feels.
Even if it wasn’t intentional.