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Ailis felt her headache growing as her group argued over how to rescue the tieflings…again. Two days ago, they’d entered the Shadow-Cursed lands. Earlier this day they’d met a group of Harpers and had helped them in a battle against a batch of shadow monsters. This had gotten them an invite to the Last Light Inn, the final sanctuary left in these lands.
Once there, they’d been revealed as true souls. The leader of this faction of Harpers, Jaheira, had made to attack her group, but thankfully the tiefling child, Mol, had convinced the woman to give them a chance. It was clear now, though, that Jaheira just saw her group as a tactical maneuver. She wanted them to use their status as true souls to infiltrate Moonrise Towers and find a way to kill Kethric Thorm; the person who had taken over these lands.
She didn’t necessarily oppose to looking into Kethric Thorm. He seemed to be involved with the Absolute Cult and they were in desperate need of answers about their tadpoles. Looking into Thorm and getting information on the Absolute and their tadpoles aligned with each other. However, Jaheira also wanted them to go on a rescue mission.
While her team had scouted around the inn on their arrival, they found some of the tieflings they’d helped at the grove. About half of the group was missing. It turned out that the road they had intended to follow to Baldur’s Gate had been destroyed. They had opted to travel above land through all the Shadow-Curse instead of cutting out most of it by going through the Underdark. The group had been attacked by Absolute cultists. Many had been killed or captured, but the rest had found their way here.
Ailis was sympathetic to their plight. She could feel the hopelessness, grief, and guilt from those who remained. She couldn’t stop Rolan’s angry words towards her earlier in the day from playing on repeat in her head. But they had their own problems. They needed to start putting their whole attention on getting rid of these tadpoles.
“This arguing is ridiculous!” Wyll’s shout caught her attention. He made eye contact with her. “Chief, tell this lot we need to save the tieflings first. Thorm can wait.”
“If we go in and bust their prisoners out, we’ll make the cultists hostile towards us and we won’t be able to get the information we need,” Shadowheart protested. “The tieflings have to wait.”
“There are ways around that,” Gale said. “We could use confusion spells or disguise spells. Or we could make it look like the prisoners broke out themselves.”
“That seems like a lot of effort when we can just rescue them after we take care of Thorm,” Shadowheart said.
“I agree with Shadowheart,” Lae’zel said. “Though it pains me to say it.”
“This is getting ridiculous,” Wyll sighed. “Ailis, come on. Set this lot straight.” She felt a surge of anger course through her. She always had to be the one to solve all their problems or play mediator. It was growing tiresome. It was draining her. It was too big of a job with this crew. She could feel her skin crawl with anxiety over the overwhelming job of managing all their egos. Her nerves prickled at their expectant stares.
“Ailis…”
“We don’t have time to be wasting on the tieflings again,” she snapped as her emotions boiled over. A part of her was horrified at what had just spewed from her mouth and her gut roiled with guilt from the shocked and dismayed looks on Karlach’s and Wyll’s faces.
“I’m surprised to hear you say that,” Gale said in a saddened tone.
“As am I,” Lae’zel agreed. “I didn’t think you had it in you to ignore people in need.”
“Oh please,” she said. “I’m hardly a hero.”
“You are to these tieflings,” Karlach stated.
She ignored a fresh stab of guilt and shook her head. “We need to focus on these tadpoles,” she said. “We don’t have time to spend on a group of people who are clearly doomed.”
“Wow,” Shadowheart said. “I would expect that level of callousness from Astarion, but not you.”
“Well, that’s rather rude,” Astarion whined. “I probably would have kept that thought to myself. Probably.”
Ailis sighed. “Look, what happened to the tieflings is tragic, but we need to focus on our own problem,” she said.
“Then it’s settled. We’ll investigate Thorm, and then we can free the tieflings,” Shadowheart said sounding pleased.
“Well, that depends on what we find out about these tadpoles while looking into Thorm,” Ailis replied. “Don’t forget these parasites are time sensitive. At some point we will transform into mindflayers. If we discover that’s going to be sooner rather than later, we won’t have time for the tieflings.”
“You’re seriously saying you don’t want to help the tieflings at all?!” Karlach cried angrily.
“I’m saying, that our tadpole problem is more important right now,” she said.
“I suppose if we take out Thorm, that would make it possible for the Harpers to help the tieflings,” Gale cut in. The wizard was always trying to find the middle ground. He wanted so desperately to be liked. She usually found this endearing, but right now it only fueled her anger.
“I suppose that’s an option if we need to take out Thorm at all,” she muttered. More incredulous looks greeted her.
“If we need to take out Thorm?” Wyll repeated, astonished. “Ailis, have you not paid attention to these realms? Look what the man has done!”
“What he’s done doesn’t concern us,” she argued. “Our focus is getting rid of these tadpoles and if we can do that without spending time killing Thorm, then that’s what we’ll do. End of discussion.”
“I think there’s a lot more to discuss,” Karlach snapped. The floor around her began growing scorch marks.
“Easy now,” Wyll soothed. “There’s no need to get worked up. This is just a disagreement.”
“One that we’ll all work out,” Shadowheart added. Ailis snorted and the cleric glared at her. “And what did that mean?”
“Oh, I just thought what you said was amusing,” Ailis replied. “‘We’ll work it out’ Ha!”
“What are you getting at, Ailis?” Shadowheart snapped.
“I just think it’s cute that you think you all will figure it out,” she replied. “What you really mean is I will figure it out because I am always the one to figure out what we’re doing. I am always the one who manages everyone’s opinions to come up with a solution. I am the one who manages everyone’s ginormous egos!”
“Now, that’s not really being fair,” Gale tried to intervene.
“Fair?” she shrieked. “No! What’s not fair is dumping all your trauma on me and expecting me to deal with it for you.”
“Darling, I think you…”
“Don’t ‘darling’ me,” she snapped at Astarion. “I have to do everything for everyone! And no one ever helps me. No one ever checks in on me to see how I’m doing. So the only one whose opinion matters here is mine. We need to learn about these tadpoles. If that leads us to needing to take out Thorm fine, but if not, our next step is whatever gets rid of these parasites.”
“You’re out of line, Ailis,” Shadowheart growled.
“Now, hold on,” Wyll intervened. “Ailis did make some fair points. We could put more effort into controlling our emotions and…egos. However, Ailis, you are the leader of this group and it’s your job to…”
“Yes, I am the leader and I’m doing my job,” she cut him off. “I’ve told you what we’re going to do. That’s the end of the discussion.”
“So, we just have to do what you say now? Our opinions don’t matter?” Shadowheart scoffed.
“That’s exactly, right,” Ailis replied coolly.
“And if we’re not willing to go along with that?” Shadowheart asked through gritted teeth.
“Then you can leave,” Ailis said. She knew she was going too far, but she couldn’t stop herself. She couldn’t bring herself to back down. The frustration of the last few weeks was bubbling over. Still, her guilt increased at the look of hurt on her companions’ faces.
“You’d really kick out any who disagreed with you?” Lae’zel asked in a tone of surprise.
“Don’t tell me you suddenly disagree with that philosophy,” Ailis replied. “You’d have had me kick out most of this group a few weeks ago.”
“I…”
“You know what? I’m done with this,” Ailis cried. “Whoever decides to join me, meet back here in the morning.” She turned and stormed out of the building. She stalked angrily down to camp and began pacing the rocky shores of the lake nearby. As she paced, she could feel her anger and anxiety turn inwards. She shouldn’t have yelled at them. They didn’t deserve that. She just couldn’t stop thinking of Rolan’s words from earlier that day. He was right.
“You’re going to burn a hole in the ground if you keep pacing like that,” Astarion’s snide voice called out.
Ailis glanced up at him and scowled. “Go away, Astarion,” she said. “I don’t want to talk right now.”
“Yes, I gathered that,” he replied sitting down on a large boulder. “Still, someone needed to check on you.”
“And they decided to send you?” she asked.
“I sent myself,” he replied sounding a little annoyed. A stern look crossed his face when he noticed her look of disbelief. “I’m not completely callous to your well-being, Ailis. I care that something is clearly upsetting you. Why don’t you tell me what it is?”
“You don’t want to know,” Ailis replied bitterly.
“Ah, but I do,” he said. “It must be something big to make you go off like that. Now go on and tell me. It will make you feel better.” She began to pace again.
“You just want me to go back to being complacent,” she grumbled. “You don’t care. You just don’t like it when I’m a bitch, but it’s not my…” She cut off when he stepped in front of her to stop her pacing, and gripped onto her shoulders.
“You’re not a bitch, Ailis. You’re just upset. And yes, I do care,” he said. “If you talk to me about whatever has you so upset, maybe you’ll feel better.”
“I…I can’t,” she replied.
“Yes, you can, darling,” he said. “Just tell me what has you upset. It was what Rolan said, wasn’t it? You’ve looked agitated since that conversation.”
“I can’t tell you. You’ll leave if I tell you. You all will,” she cried, tearing herself out of his grip. She began pacing anxiously again. This time, he didn’t try to stop her.
“No one’s leaving, darling,” he said.
“You would if you knew,” she said. “You’d have never agreed to travel with me if you knew.”
“Well, now I think I have to know,” he said, trying to teaser her to a lighter mood.
“I’m serious, Astarion,” she replied, though she did stop pacing.
Astarion nodded. “I’m sorry, darling,” he said. “Still, I think you better tell me. I think it will help.” She sighed and closed her eyes. She opened them when she felt his arm wrap around her waist, and he led her over to the boulder he’d sat on before. “Here. Sit down here and we’ll talk.” She gathered herself for a moment and stared out at the still water of the lake.
“This isn’t my first time leading a group of people,” she said slowly.
“I gathered that,” Astarion replied. “You lead troops in the Espax War, didn’t you?”
“Yes, and I have plenty of guilt over that, but that’s not what’s bothering me now,” she said, and then glanced up at him. “How much do you know about the Espax War?”
Astarion shook his head. “Nothing,” he replied. “I’d get bits of news when hunting targets, but that’s it. Espax is a long way from Baldur’s Gate.”
Ailis nodded. “The war started as a rebellion against Espax’s government,” she began to explain. “By all accounts, Espax had an incredibly corrupt government. There were two factions running the rebellion. Both wanted to take out the existing government, but their ideas for the future government differed.”
“A recipe for disaster,” Astarion commented.
“Exactly,” she said. “The factions managed to overthrow the original government, but they couldn’t agree with each other enough to build a new one. They began fighting and it turned into a full out war. Both sides began recruiting soldiers, originally from their own people. However, one faction was more popular than the other amongst Espax’s citizens and most went to fight for them.”
“So, the faction you fought under had to resort to other methods of recruitment,” Astarion said.
“By the time I was press-ganged into service most of the people fighting were doing so unwillingly,” Ailis replied. “Even those who had originally joined freely had turned against this faction by that point. They committed horrendous atrocities. Many even said they’d rather have the old government back than continue to support this one.”
“And you led people in attempts to escape?” he asked. “Or overthrow?”
“Escape,” she answered. “When I first got there, I tried to escape on my own. When that didn’t work, I started recruiting others who wanted to leave. There were a few of these attempts. They all ended with many of my group dead or tortured as punishment.” Her hand came up to her face to worry at the deep scar running down her cheek to her jaw. She had a smaller one below her right eye.
Astarion gently moved her hand away from the scar and rested their intwined hands on his lap. “Is that how you got those scars?” he asked. “Trying to escape?”
“Helping someone else to escape,” she said and then smiled bitterly at his incredulous expression. “I had given up trying to escape by the time I got these scars.”
“But you were still helping others to escape?” he questioned.
“Not at first. For a while I just gave up and did what they wanted me to,” she said. “I’d accepted it as a just punishment for my previous crimes. I proved to be a good soldier. After a while they trusted me with training new recruits and then leading small groups in battle. Eventually, I began to form friendships with others there. The two relevant to this story were Nash and Marissa and her three kids…”
“Kids?” Astarion said. He looked surprised.
She nodded. “They recruited anyone they could,” she said. “They’d take criminals being transported to the gallows like I was to travelers just passing through. Many of the travelers had children.”
“Is that what happened to your friend?” he asked.
“No,” she replied. “Marissa was in the war almost from the beginning. Her husband was part of the rebellion and was a supporter of this faction. Marissa had no idea until after he was killed in one of the first skirmishes. The faction blamed her husband for the loss of so many lives in that skirmish and so did a lot of the dead’s’ families. The faction told her if she worked for them, they’d forgive her husband’s failure and keep her and her children safe.
“There was no choice for her. She agreed. She mostly did secretarial work for them. She wasn’t thrown into battle until the last few years when things were growing increasingly desperate,” she explained.
“They started putting the kids into battle, didn’t they?” Astarion guessed.
Ailis nodded. “When I first arrived, all children stayed in camp,” she said. “The older kids kept the barracks in order and watched their younger siblings. But the war wasn’t going well and they couldn’t get enough soldiers. In the penultimate year of the war, they decreed sons that were fourteen or older would be put into battles. They would ‘try and keep them off the frontlines’ they said, but we all knew they’d end up there eventually.
“Marissa was beside herself with worry. Her oldest son was nine months off from fourteen,” she continued. “We all saw the war would be ending soon, but not soon enough for her son. On a night off, me and our other friend, Nash, took her out for drinks to let her vent her worries. She kept repeating that she had to do something. That she couldn’t let this happen to her son.”
Ailis closed her eyes and sighed. “I was the one who suggested escaping,” she said. “Marissa was hesitant about it at first. Punishment for runaways by this point in the war was almost always death, and if they didn’t kill you, they’d make you wish they had.” She worried at her scar again.
“You got her to agree to the attempt though, didn’t you?” Astarion said.
“She came around to the idea,” Ailis said. “She didn’t like it though. It didn’t sit well with her. She didn’t think it was fair that just she and her kids would get out.”
“Why would she care about that?” Astarion asked perplexed. “She should have just worried for herself…and her kids, I guess.” Exasperation and amusement settled across her expression. The vampire spawn’s lack of empathy tended to reveal itself in inopportune times. There was no point admonishing him, though. She’d accepted by this point there were some things Astarion would just never truly understand.
“Marissa wanted to get more people out,” she continued. “After some convincing she got me and Nash on board. Well, she got me on board. Nash only agreed to it because I was going to be involved.”
“You and him were involved?” Astarion asked. She could see he was trying to just sound curious, but she heard a jealous note in his tone.
“We had an arrangement. Like ours, really,” she admitted. “There weren’t any deep feelings. We both got what we wanted out of the other. And Nash wasn’t exactly hard to look at.”
Astarion snorted. “So, did it work?” he asked. “Whatever plan you concocted to free people.”
“For a time,” Ailis said, “but after six or seven months they were cracking down. Nash insisted we had to stop, at least for some time. But Marissa’s son would be turning fourteen in just over a month and there was already talk of lowering the age to thirteen. I insisted that we do one last escape to get Marissa and her kids out.
“Nash didn’t like it but he agreed if it was just Marissa and her kids I led out. The night started like every other escape night, but…it all went wrong,” she said, closing her eyes against the painful memory.
“Nash betrayed you,” Astarion said.
“No. Not Nash,” Ailis said. “The night guard he bribed to ignore anyone he saw escaping. He might not have done so willingly. I’ll never know. They killed him. Guns went off when we breached the camp. We ran off into the woods, but they knew our routes. Marissa and I tried to gather the kids together and come up with an alternate route, but a soldier shot off a gun near us and her little girl ran off frightened right into the open and they…they shot her.”
“Ailis…”
“We went back with them after that,” she continued through her tears. “They brought us to the General’s tent to interrogate us. They wanted to know everyone who was involved in the operation. We did our best to conceal who’d been involved, but in doing so, Marissa incriminated herself by admitting it had been her idea to help families escape. I tried to intervene; to convince them it was all on me. I had the history of escape attempts, not Marissa. All my attempts got me was a knife to the face. They then forced me to watch as they killed Marissa. They killed my friend right in front of me and her remaining children. That was my punishment. They wouldn’t kill me. I was too useful to them.”
“What happened to her two sons?” Astarion asked.
“Nash got them out,” she replied woodenly. “He was high ranking in the army. One of the lead officers had a niece who couldn’t have children. They lived away from the fighting. They weren’t involved at all. They were willing to take them in.”
“Nash couldn’t have done anything for you or Marissa when you were captured?” he asked. She could tell he was judging her old friend.
“No,” she replied, harshly. “He made it very clear from the beginning when we were planning the operation he wouldn’t lose his position for something he thought was foolish. He did what he could for us when we were captured and that’s it. What happened to Marissa and her daughter wasn’t his fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault either, Ailis,” Astarion said. “None of what you’ve just told me was your fault.”
“It was though,” she insisted. “If I hadn’t planted the idea of escape in her mind, Marissa wouldn’t have thought to include other people in it. I should have insisted that night that we would only get her and her kids out. Or I should have caved and agreed with Nash. He had high rank. There were things he could have done to keep her son safe.
“I got Marissa killed. I got her daughter killed. I got all the people from my original escape attempts killed,” she said. “I can’t help the tieflings. I’ll get them killed. I’m going to get everyone killed!”
“Ailis, darling, look at me. Look at me!” he repeated when she turned her face away. She reluctantly turned and met his gaze. He looked very concerned. “Ailis, what happened to your friend and the others was not your fault.”
“It was. I…”
“Did you force them to try and escape?” he asked.
“What?” she cried, confused.
“Did you force them to try and escape?” he repeated. “Did you threaten pain or death if they didn’t follow you? Did you blackmail them into joining you?”
“No!” she cried, appalled. “Of course not!”
“Were they aware of the risks they were taking when they agreed to join you?” he grilled. “Did you tell them the potential consequences?”
“Yes. I drilled it into them what could happen if we failed,” she replied. “Astarion, why…”
“I’m asking you, darling, because I’m trying to understand why you think you’re at fault,” he said. “Based on everything you’re telling me, you only gave everyone an option to join you. You didn’t force them. You let them know the risks so they made informed decisions. I’m failing to see how you bare any responsibility for what happened.”
“I led the attempts. I was responsible for all their lives. I am responsible for their deaths,” she said. “You should leave. You should let the others know what a failure I am and leave. Nothing good will come of following me.”
“I’m not leaving, Ailis,” Astarion said. “And neither is anyone else. If you told the others what you just told me they’d tell you the same thing I am. What happened was not your fault.”
“I was responsible for all of them. That makes it…”
“That does not make it your fault,” he said firmly. He gave her a soft expression and gently wiped tears from her face. “The burden of the failures may be ours, but what happened to those people…that’s not your fault.”
“You’ll feel differently when I get you and our companions killed,” she whispered.
“You’re not going to get us killed, Ailis,” he said. “We’re all getting out of this alive. We’re not like your previous groups. You have a group of skilled individuals with you. You’re not alone in defending everyone. You have us to reply on. Everything is going to be fine.”
“You don’t know that,” she said.
“No, but I have a feeling,” he replied with a smile. She said nothing in return. She just sat there and stared out at the calm waters. He began to massage her scalp, probably hoping to help her relax, but she couldn’t let her failures go.
“Sometimes I think it would have been better if that wagon had reached the gallows,” she said. His hand stopped moving through her hair.
“You really think it would have been better if you had died?” he asked.
“A lot of people would still be alive right now,” she replied.
“You don’t know that,” Astarion said. “They could have died later in the war. They most likely would have.”
“They’re not the only lives I’m responsible for losing,” she said. “Trust me, Astarion. I deserved to be brought to the gallows.”
“You don’t think four years forced into a war that wasn’t yours was punishment enough?” he questioned. “You don’t think your guilt is punishment enough?” She shook her head. “Well, I do.” He stood up and she felt her mood plummet even further. She had wanted to be alone when she came down here, but now it was the last thing she wanted. She couldn’t blame him for wanting to get away from her though. She’d just encouraged him to do exactly that.
He didn’t walk away, though. Instead, he turned back towards her and held out a hand for her to take. “I think I know a way to help ease your guilt,” he said giving her a smile. “Do you trust me enough to give it a try?”
When they’d first met a few weeks ago, she wouldn’t have agreed to anything he proposed. At least not without a detailed breakdown of what he intended. Now though, she took his hand and let him lead her through their camp. She was relieved to find it was still empty. She didn’t want to face her companions yet.
Astarion led her through camp to the abandoned building they’d found. There had been a squabble over it as most of the group had wanted to take up residence there as it had a bed. It was decided that no one would set up permanent camp there. They would use it for group meetings or personal time only. She guessed the latter was what he had in mind now as she looked at the clean sheets that had been put on the bed. She felt a spark of irritation. She should have realized he thought sex would make her feel better. It was the last thing she wanted right now.
Still, she would go along with it. It would be easier than trying to explain why his action was insensitive to her feelings and the argument that would ensue. It wouldn’t be the first time she endured sex to please a man’s ego and it most likely wouldn’t be the last. And Astarion was very skilled in bed. Maybe it would prove a good distraction from her thoughts. As they approached the bed he let go of her hand and then sat down on the edge of it with his feet shoulder length apart. He looked at her with a serious expression.
“Remove your pants and undergarment, Ailis. They get over my lap,” he ordered.
Ailis blinked and stared at him dumbly for a moment. This wasn’t how they usually did this. “I…what?” she said confused.
“You wanted to be punished, didn’t you?” he questioned and her face flushed a hot red as she realized what he intended to do. He smiled wickedly at the sight of her blush. “I do love it when you blush. It’s such a rare occasion.”
“I…I’m not a child,” she protested, though that statement certainly made her feel like one.
“Only children can be spanked?” Astarion replied with a widening grin.
“I…I’ve never…”
“You’ve never received a spanking before?” he questioned, surprised. “Your mother never had you over her knee?”
“My mother didn’t believe in hitting children,” she replied, defensively
“Well, as you’ve just pointed out, you’re not a child,” he said.
“I…” She didn’t finish her statement. She didn’t know what her statement was. She squirmed where she stood and stared at the floor, trying to come up with something to say. Astarion’s feet suddenly came into view, and then she felt his cook fingers caress her chin as he lifted her face so she was looking at him. He brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ears.
“You’re rarely this flustered,” he murmured softly. “What has you concerned?”
“I don’t know what you’re expecting to get out of this,” she said.
“He frowned, puzzled. “Get out of this?” he repeated.
She flushed. “I know some people do this for fun,” she said.
He nodded. “Yes, and you may find you enjoy this, but that’s not the intended purpose of tonight,” he said.
“Then what are you getting out of this?” she persisted. “My pain?”
His eyes widened. “Your pain?” he said shocked. “Ailis, how hard do you think I’m going to hit you?”
“I don’t know!” she cried. “I’ve never done anything like this, except for that Loviatar priest. I don’t know how this works. I know you enjoyed watching that priest strike me.” She expected him to get mad, but he just stared at her thoughtfully for a moment.
“Hold out your wrist, Ailis,” he ordered. Confused, she did as he asked, holding her arm out in front of her with her palm up. His own hand struck her wrist before she even saw it coming. She hissed and drew her arm back, cradling her wrist to her chest. She gazed at him with a shocked expression. His own was perfectly neutral. “Did that hurt?”
“Yes,” she replied in a tone that made it clear she thought he was crazy for asking.
“Is the pain unbearable?” he asked in the same neutral tone.
“No,” she answered, eyebrows furrowed.
“That’s as hard as I intend to spank you, give or take a little,” Astarion said. “I’m not going to beat you black and blue. You’ll be able to sit down tomorrow.”
“But when the priest…”
“I didn’t know you very well when you let the priest beat you. I hadn’t fully decided I trusted you. I thought you must have been into that sort of thing and responded accordingly. I was surprised you never asked me to do anything similar when we began having sex.
“You’re not wrong that I get off on others pain. I’m not going to lie about that,” he said. “But the purpose tonight isn’t the pain. You carry a lot of guilt over your past. I just want to try to help you release some of it. As for what I get out of it, well, control. We don’t have to do this, though, Ailis. I’m not going to do anything to you that you don’t want.” She believed him. Even before she really began to tryst him, she’d trusted him to stop if she asked. He was always attentive of any boundaries set during sex.
“Okay,” she finally agreed. “What do I say if I need you to stop, though?”
“Just say stop,” he told her moving back to his previous position on the bed. She didn’t follow yet.
“Don’t people use specific words for this sort of thing, though” she questioned, “because they might say stop on instinct?”
“Yes. A safe word is usually put in place for that reason. However, due to our personal histories if you say stop, I’m going to take that at face value,” he said. “So don’t tell me to stop, Ailis, unless you really want or need me to, okay?”
She nodded. “Okay,” she agreed.
“All right then. Remove your pants and undergarment and come here,” he ordered pointing to a spot right next to him rather than demanding she get over his lap right away like he had originally. She moved slowly as she completed his orders. A nervous anticipation had her heart racing, and she couldn’t help trembling a little. Astarion noticed and took her hand in his, gently massaging her knuckles with his thumb.
“Are you all right, darling?” he asked, giving her a soft look. “We can stop.”
“No, I’m all right,” she said.
He nodded and his expression turned stern. “Do you understand why you’re being punished?” he asked.
“For failing to save…”
“No,” Astarion said and she gave him a puzzled look.
“You said this was to try to relieve my guilt,” she said.
“It is, but I’m not going to punish you for something that wasn’t your fault or something you already received punishment for,” he said. “Pick something else. Something more recent.”
“I shouldn’t have yelled at our companions,” she said after a moment. “I was being unfair.”
“You certainly were,” he said. “You shouldn’t have taken your problems out on them.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“I know you are. Still, you need to receive punishment for your actions,” he said. “How many times should I spank you? How many have you earned?”
“I…I don’t…” she looked at him helplessly. She had no basis for this. She felt completely lost in the moment. Luckily, he seemed to understand. He gently squeezed her hand in reassurance.
“How about I give you two options, and you choose what works best for you?” he suggested and she nodded her agreement. “Option one: I give you ten harder strikes. Option two: I give you twenty with fifteen being the same strength I slapped your wrist earlier, and the last five a bit harder. Either way, you’re going to be able to sit tomorrow, Ailis.”
Ailis thought about it for a moment. Ten sounded more appealing than twenty. She wouldn’t have to be in an embarrassing position for as long. However, the slap he’d given to her wrist earlier had stung and the skin was still a little pink. The skin on her ass would be even more sensitive. She’d never done this and she wasn’t sure she was comfortable having him hit her any harder. Getting through five hard strikes seemed better than ten and if she couldn’t handle it and had to tell him to stop, she’d have already taken at least sixteen. She’d be able to say she gave it a fair chance.
“Twenty,” she said quietly. He nodded and gave her hand a final squeeze before letting go.
“All right then, darling,” he said. “Get over my lap.” She awkwardly positioned herself over his lap. He helped her maneuver so his one leg helped support her upper torso even as her head hung down just below his knee. She held onto his one knee with one hand and the sheets on the bed with the other. Her ass was completely exposed to him, and she trembled with nerves. She jumped when he placed a hand on the center of her back.
“Try to relax, darling. You’re safe,” he soothed, rubbing her back a little. She took a few deep breaths and slowly felt her muscles relax. “That’s it. Are you ready for me to begin?”
“Y-Yes,” she said. “Do I count them out loud?”
“Hmm, that is an appealing thought,” he said in a teasing tone before growing serious again, “but not tonight. We can examine that possibility another night if you decide you like this or find it helpful. I don’t want to push limits tonight. Now, take one last deep breath for me before I begin.” She did as he said, and the first stroke came as she let the breath out.
She let out a startled squeak. It hurt. It felt worse than the strike to her wrist had. Still, it was not unbearable. She hadn’t quite processed it, when the second strike hit, and then she stopped thinking as he continued to land blow after blow. By the time he struck her ten times she realized she’d made a mistake in choosing twenty strikes. Her skin where he’d hit her felt like it was on fire and the pain was increasing with each strike even though the strike’s strength hadn’t changed yet. When he reached the fifteenth strike her tears finally spilled over and down her cheeks.
He stopped after the fifteenth strike for a moment, but any relief she might have felt vanished when he shifted his leg so the seat of her ass raised to a higher position. She whimpered as she thought of where the last five, harder blows were going to land. He hushed her and comfortingly stroked her back.
“It’s just five more, darling, and then you’ll be done,” he assured her. “Do you think you’re ready to apologize now?”
“Y-Yes. I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” she cried. “I didn’t mean to act like that. I couldn’t stop myself. I…I…I…”
“Shhh. Shh, darling,” he soothed. “Breathe for me.” She tried to do as he said and took big gulps of air in until her breathing found a rhythm again. “Good girl. I’m going to give you the last five strikes now. I want you to try and release your guilt with them, all right?”
She nodded and then the first blow hit and any thought of trying not to cry anymore escaped her. She started sobbing and it took everything in her to not ask him to stop as the next blow hit. She had felt worse pain before than this, but this just felt so intimate. She wanted to bare it for him. Right now, she would do anything for him, so at the last strike, she tried to release some of her guilt.
Astarion helped move her into a sitting position on his lap. He managed to adjust her so her ass was mostly between his thighs so nothing rubbed against her reddened skin. She buried her face in his shoulder and sobbed ash she clutched to him like her life depended on it. She stroked her back and hair and pressed a kiss on the top of her head.
“Shh. It’s all right now, darling. All is forgiven. You’re all right,” he soothed. He repeated a variation of these words until her sobs turned to cries and then to whimpers until finally, she ran out of tears. She rested, slumped against him, feeling more exhausted than she had in her whole life. They sat like that for a few minutes and then she felt his hand slide between her legs and a cool finger split hear seam, running the length of it before brushing over her clit. She let out a shaky gasp.
“What do you think, darling? Based on how wet you are, you seemed to enjoy that. Should we move on to more enjoyable activities?” he asked. She thought about it for a moment. She was surprised to find she had evidence of arousal, but in the back of her mind she’d been aware of a stirring of heat between her legs that was different from the heat on her ass from the spanking.
Still, she shook her head. “No. I’m sorry. I don’t feel up to it,” she said, her resolve to endure it from earlier cracking. She knew he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. “I’m sorry. I know you were planning on having sex tonight, but…”
“It’s all right, Ailis,” he cut her off. “Don’t apologize. We both have to want it, remember?” She smiled and nodded. He moved his hand back to a more acceptable spot on her thigh. “So, what do you want, darling? How are we spending our time tonight?” She opened her mouth with an immediate response but then just as quickly clamped her mouth shut and looked down at her lap. “What’s wrong, Ailis.”
“Nothing,” she said. “It’s just, what I want…you won’t like it. I’m trying to think of something else.”
“Ailis, darling, look at me,” he ordered and she raised her face to meet his eyes. “You’re just tried something very new to you that had you completely out of your element tonight. You’re going to get whatever you want.” He grinned. “Within reason of course. So, tell me, what do you want.”
“I just want to naked cuddle,” she said. “And I want you to stay with me all night.”
Astarion nodded. “Very reasonable,” he said and kissed her forehead. He slid her to sit on the mattress. Her full weight was on her ass though and she felt the skin burn as it brushed against the sheets. She jumped up from the bed and clutched her ass. Astarion laughed and she gave him a hurt look.
“I’m sorry, darling,” he said as he stood up. “The look on your face was just funny, that’s all. Here.” He helped slide her shirt and upper garment off. “Stand there for a moment while I undress and then we’ll get you on the bed comfortably.” He kissed her forehead again and she stood waiting as he quickly undressed. When he was naked, he sat down on the bed and then moved until he was lying down on his back in the middle. He held out his arms for her. “Come here, darling.”
She climbed onto the bed and crawled over to him. He pulled her down so she rested mostly on top of him. Her head rested on his shoulder. She hissed when he pulled the top sheet over them, but the sting only last for a minute. He stroked her back and left gentle kisses to her forehead every few minutes. Her eyelids grew heavy and she felt sleep trying to claim her. She tried to fight it, but Astarion wasn’t having it.
“Go to sleep, darling,” he ordered her gently. “You need to rest.”
“I want you to stay,” she murmured through a yawn.
“I’m not going anywhere, Ailis,” he promised. “I’ll be here when you wake up.” She smiled sleepily as he pressed another kiss to her forehead. It was the last thing she felt before sleep finally claimed her.