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“I have never kissed anyone before,” Alhaitham confesses out of nowhere, not even raising his eyes from his book.
Kaveh breaks the tip of his pencil. “Huh?” Kaveh blurts out, confused.
They’re spending time in Kaveh’s room while his mother is still at work. Kaveh is sitting on his bed, leaning against the wall, a sketchbook on his legs, drawing an old house that recently caught his attention. Alhaitham is sitting at Kaveh’s desk, reading quietly. So these are certainly not the circumstances that would make anyone say they’ve never kissed someone before.
“What kind of book are you reading?” Kaveh can’t help but ask.
“A Comparative Study of Syntax and Morphology in Linguistics,” Alhaitham answers, still not looking at Kaveh. “How is that relevant to what I said?”
Kaveh stares blankly at Alhaitham. Of course. “Well, I thought maybe there was something related to kissing in your book,” Kaveh says, putting his sketchbook on his bed. “But I see that’s not the case. So why the sudden confession?”
Alhaitham finally raises his head and looks at Kaveh. “Just something I thought I’d share with my best friend. Is that not allowed?”
“Of course—I mean—ugh,” Kaveh stutters. He clears his throat. “Anyway. So, you’re 19 and haven’t kissed anyone.”
Alhaitham closes his book and puts it on the desk. “Yeah. Is there a problem?”
“Of course not,” Kaveh hurries to reassure Alhaitham. “It’s just that you’re a handsome guy, and I’ve seen so many girls confess to you. You’re telling me you never kissed any of them?”
“I think you know I’d tell you if I kissed any of them, but no, I haven’t. I never felt anything for them. Or any girl for that matter,” Alhaitham says, looking away at the last part.
Kaveh swallows. “Oh, well, I’m sure you’ll find the right person to have your first kiss with one day. Someone who can tolerate that personality of yours.” Someone who is closer than you can imagine, Kaveh thinks to himself.
Alhaitham raises his eyebrow at the last comment but lets it slide. They both look away. After a few seconds, Alhaitham clears his throat. “Have you ever kissed anyone?” he asks.
“Oh umm…” Kaveh can feel his face heating up. He hugs his knees and stares at his feet. “I did, yeah.” He purses his lips. Not that he felt anything for any of the girls and guys he kissed, since it’s hard to feel anything when you have feelings for someone else.
“Can you show me?” Alhaitham asks.
Kaveh wakes up from his train of thought and looks at Alhaitham. “Show you what?”
“How to kiss. I want to learn,” Alhaitham clarifies, completely unfazed.
“What!?” Kaveh blurts. His face heats up even more, and he’s pretty sure it’s visibly red so he turns his head away. “W-what do you mean? You want me to kiss you… to teach you how to kiss?” Alhaitham nods. “Why me?” Kaveh continues.
“Isn’t that what friends are for? To help each other?” Alhaitham replies as if this is a legitimate explanation for his absurd request.
“I don’t think that’s how it works…” Kaveh mumbles more to himself.
“You can say no if you don’t want to—”
“No. It’s fine,” Kaveh interrupts him. He clears his throat and straightens up. “I’ll help you. That’s what friends are for, after all,” he continues. When he looks at Alhaitham he can swear he can see a hint of surprise on Alhaitham’s face.
Kaveh doesn’t know, nor does he want to know why Alhaitham suddenly wants to learn how to kiss. Maybe there’s someone he likes and wants to be prepared. Maybe Kaveh should stop thinking about this, for his sake. He has a chance to kiss Alhaitham and he’s not going to pass it up.
Kaveh finds the courage to get off the bed and walks towards Alhaitham. “Come on, get up,” Kaveh says, his breaking voice betraying the sudden burst of courage.
Alhaitham gets up and stands in front of Kaveh, inches away from his face. “If it’s any reassurance,” Alhaitham grins, “since this is my first kiss, I have no standard of comparison, so even if you are a bad kisser, I wouldn’t know.”
“You— Do you want me to kiss you or not?” Kaveh blurts. He then realizes the way he phrased his response. “I mean, teach you how to kiss,” he clarifies. Great. As if he couldn’t make it more obvious. Alhaitham doesn’t say anything, but a smirk appears on his lips.
“Okay, let’s get to work,” Kaveh starts. “First, relax. Take a deep breath if you need to,” he continues, but he doesn’t know if he’s telling this to Alhaitham or himself. “Second, hands. They are very important. You can't just have them hang at your sides. Usually, you can do whatever you feel you want with your hands. For example,” he grabs Alhaitham’s hands and places them on his waist, almost gasping at the contact, “you can put them on the other person’s waist. Or you move them higher, around their neck. Or lower, on their hips…” Kaveh continues with a trembling voice. He clears his throat.
“Like this?” Alhaitham asks as he moves his hands slowly to grab Kaveh by his hips, pulling him a bit closer.
“Yeah,” Kaveh replies, his voice breaking. He feels like catching on fire. Damn Alhaitham and his annoying request. He tries to focus, but all he can think of is how his oblivious best friend, for whom he’s had feelings for years, has his hands resting on his hips as if it’s nothing.
“I’ll put my hands on your face to guide you,” Kaveh continues as he gently places his hands on Alhaitham’s cheeks. He wants to caress Alhaitham’s face, he wants to run his hands through Alhaitham’s hair, he wants to bite Alhaitham’s jaw, but he doesn’t want to ruin this moment.
Kaveh gets lost in Alhaitham’s jade-colored eyes, amber rings around his pupils. Kaveh is quite sure he’s never seen such beautiful eyes. The perfect colors, the shades he’s been secretly including in every drawing he has ever done. At this moment he wants nothing but to paint the universe hidden inside his friend’s eyes. He swears he can see the golden ratio in his eyes.
“Is this also part of the kissing process?” Alhaitham asks and ruins Kaveh’s reverie.
Kaveh frowns and clicks his tongue. “Yes, it’s a vital part,” Kaveh scoffs. “It’s important to connect with the person you’re kissing, and what better way to connect than…through eyes,” he stops. “M-moving on, tongue or no tongue?”
“Huh?” Alhaitham is surprised, and if Kaveh didn’t know him any better, he could swear he sees a small blush appear on his cheeks. “You’re the teacher here, so you choose.”
“Okay so let’s start with no tongue,” Kaveh chuckles at Alhaitham’s surprise. “Now onto the actual kissing. Always close your eyes while kissing. It’s just awkward to stare at a person while you’re kissing them. Relax your lips and jaw. When you feel my lips touching yours,” he pauses, ”just follow my lips, adapt to their movement. You can also guide me if you feel like you’re ready. Just as with your hands, you have to do what feels right. Oh, and don’t forget to breathe! Very important.”
Alhaitham nods. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. Kaveh’s eyes drop to Alhaitham’s lips. He can’t believe this is going to happen. His heart is beating too fast. He hopes Alhaitham doesn’t hear it. If Alhaitham is as nervous as him, he can't tell, but why would he be? After all, he's not the one who has feelings for his best friend.
Kaveh takes a deep breath as well, he closes his eyes and pulls Alhaitham in a kiss. It’s a shy kiss at first, just brushing Alhaitham’s lips, nervousness taking over him. He then presses their lips together. Alhaitham is a bit stiff at first, but when Kaveh feels him leaning into the kiss, he gets a burst of courage. Kaveh runs his hands through Alhaitham’s hair, pulling him closer, not wanting to let him go.
Kaveh doesn’t care that this is Alhaitham’s first kiss and it is a bit sloppy. It feels perfect. It’s an explosion of colors. Alhaitham’s lips are soft and warm, and the feeling reminds Kaveh of a perfect shade of gold, and vermilion, and teal, and violet, the shades that have been missing from his drawings, from his life.
Kaveh pulls Alhaitham closer, letting his arms drop around his neck, holding him tight. He almost lets out a moan when Alhaitham takes the unintentional hint and pulls Kaveh by his waist until there is no space left between them, tightening his arms around him.
Everything feels right and safe and—
This is too much. This is unfair. Kaveh can’t take it anymore. He gently pushes Alhaitham away, holding him by the shoulders.
“You learn fast,” Kaveh says, looking anywhere but at Alhaitham. He feels like his face is on fire. He’s sure Alhaitham can see the redness on his face.
“I have a good teacher,” Alhaitham replies with a smirk.
Kaveh can’t help but turn his lips in a faint smile, but it falls fast. Teacher. He thought he could handle one meaningless kiss, but the thought of Alhaitham wanting to learn how to kiss another person like this proved to be too much.
“—veh. Kaveh!” Alhaitham brings him back to reality.
“I'm…sorry,” Kaveh’s voice falters. “I thought I could do this, but this means too much to me and nothing to you.”
Alhaitham frowns. “Why do you assume this means nothing to me?”
“Because you obviously like someone else. Why else would you ask me to teach you how to kiss? And this is not fair to you, to them…or to me,” Kaveh says, the last part almost whispered, but still loud enough for Alhaitham to hear.
“You’re right,” Alhaitham answers. He pauses and hesitates to continue. “I want to learn how to kiss because there is someone I like. Very much.”
At Alhaitham’s words, Kaveh’s heart feels like it breaks into a thousand pieces. He is sure he can’t hide the shock on his face and he doesn’t even try to. So there was a person who caught his friend’s attention after all. He’s had his suspicions, but it’s heartbreaking to hear the words coming right out of Alhaitham's mouth…the mouth he was kissing moments ago.
Kaveh wonders who this person could be, if he knows them. They have to be someone special if Alhaitham likes them very much. But why couldn’t that someone be him? He curses himself for being a coward for not telling Alhaitham about his feelings earlier. But what good would that even have done? His feelings wouldn't be reciprocated anyway.
Kaveh realizes he hasn’t said anything in a while so he tries to compose himself, collect his thoughts, and be supportive. Even if this is the last thing he wants to do, he should still do his job as Alhaitham’s best friend.
Kaveh pushes Alhaitham again, a bit harder than he intended. He finally raises his head to face his friend and realizes he’s been biting his tongue to hold back his tears. “Then what are you still doing here with me?” Kaveh says, putting on a faint smile. “Anyone worthy enough of your attention must be a special person so I’m sure they will even tolerate your immense personality. So you should go for it. Tell them about your feelings.”
Alhaitham stays silent for a few seconds, thinking. Did Kaveh say something wrong? Was he too pushy? Was his face showing his sadness?
“Are you sure?” Alhaitham finally asks.
“Yes, of course.” Kaveh feels a bit of relief when he sees Alhaitham smile. He can at least pretend to be happy if his friend is happy.
Alhaitham sighs. “If that's what you want,” he says and Kaveh frowns, confused. What he wants? How can he be so oblivious? He knows this is uncharted territory for his friend but even so, he could be a bit more aware of his feelings.
Before Kaveh can register his friend's movements, Alhaitham takes a step closer to him. “Kaveh, I like you. Very much,” he says, a smile touching his lips. He gently takes Kaveh's right hand into his.
Kaveh’s heart skips a beat. He stares at Alhaitham. What did he just say? He doesn't know how to respond, or what would be the appropriate reaction. Words escape him.
“Is this a joke?” is what he first thinks to say. He regrets it immediately when he sees Alhaitham's smile drop. He should have phrased it better. “What are you doing?”
“Kaveh, I mean it,” Alhaitham adds. When he sees Kaveh remain silent he continues, “I have feelings for you and I want us to be something more, if that is what you want as well,” he says, lifting Kaveh's hand to his chest. Kaveh lets him, still too confused to do anything.
“What about the person you said you liked?” Kaveh asks.
“It’s always been you, Kaveh,” Alhaitham says. “I’ve had feelings for you for a very long time. And I know you have too.”
What does he mean he knew? He always thinks he knows everything so he can assume anything. Kaveh opens his mouth to protest but Alhaitham interrupts him.
“And I also know you were oblivious and would never act on your feelings so I took matters into my own hands.” Alhaitham smiles. “I even got your approval.”
His smile is gorgeous. Kaveh always thought Alhaitham should smile more because it brightens his face. But this feels more intimate. This feels like something he'd only show to someone he loves. And that someone is now Kaveh. He doesn't know how to feel.
Kaveh squeezes Alhaitham's hand, frustrated, but he does not push him away this time. “And why did you think asking for kissing lessons was a good approach?” he snaps. “You’re one of the smartest people I know and this is the best idea you could come up with?” Alhaitham doesn't lose his smile. He listens to Kaveh yell at him and waits for his turn to speak.
“I couldn't take it anymore, I simply wanted to kiss you,” Alhaitham answers. “I just thought you needed a little push.”
“You're stupid and selfish and inconsiderate,” Kaveh blurts out in a hurry, “and I also hate that you're right because I like you so much it hurts. And I think you need another lesson.”
Kaveh moves his hands and locks them around Alhaitham's neck to pull him in a deep kiss. Alhaitham puts his hands on Kaveh's back and pulls him closer until there's no space between them.
Alhaitham gently breaks away, breathless, resting his forehead on Kaveh's. “So what's your answer?” he asks. “Will you be my boyfriend?”
Kaveh rolls his eyes, letting out a chuckle. “Yes, of course, you dork,” he replies. As if there could ever be any other answer to this question, as if he'd have it any other way.