Chapter Text
We sat in silence. In reality, that meant I ignored him a I read one of their books that I stole while they were setting up. I was not going to be here, doing nothing all night.
“Is it any good?”He asked from the other side of the tent.
“It's not bad,”I answered vaguely.
“What's it about?”He interrogated, trying to move closer in his sleeping bag. Slipping out of mine, I backed up to the tent door while not taking my eyes off of him, my hand on the zipper for when I had to go.
“You still think I’m going to hurt you, don't you?”He whispered.
“No. I’m prepared for it,”I corrected.
“Well, you don't need to be. See? I’ve got nothing that could,”He tried to assure me, holding his hands up for me to see. Narrowing my eyes at him, I cautiously went back to my corner, staying on top of my sleeping materials.
“Just so you know, I’ll be checking on you throughout the night,”I warned.
“Fair enough. I was planning to do the same anyway. To make sure that you're healing okay.”
“Mary said I would be fine.”
“Yeah, but I just want to make sure,”He defended. Shaking my head, I then put my knees to my chest while resting my cheek on them.
“It's technically been two days of knowing me.”
“Yeah, and they've been pretty interesting,”He shrugged.
“Five more and you'll be done,”I pointed out.
“No. Five more and you’ll admit we're friends,”He smiled.
“I could like you, if I let myself so I’m not going to you. All you’ll get from me is disappointment.”
“That's okay. I’ll get over it.”
“Yes. Because you’ll finally realize you just need to give up on me. After that, life will be the way it's meant to. I'll go to Denver, be on the run forever, and live out my life alone. You’ll be here, with your friends, living with peace.”
“If you really don't care, why would you keep telling me that I’ll never be close to you? Why wouldn't you just give on convincing me?”
“I don't know,”I lied, not looking at him.
“Sure you do.”
“Love,”I answered.
“What?”
“You asked me what the book was about. It's about love. It's about this girl trying to figure out what kind of love she could possibly have inside of her,”I explained, closing my eyes for a moment as I sighed.
“And?”He asked after a moment of silence.
“And what?”
“What else is the book about? You’ve gotten far enough for there to be more.”
“Well, there's this boy helping her with that. He takes her damaged parts and turns them into something beautiful. Something that's worth having. Her anger becomes protectiveness. Her fear becomes strength. Her pain becomes empathy. Her coldness becomes warmth. She's still her, but she becomes someone worth being around. And he's there, guiding her until she realizes all she needs is him. Not in a codependent way. She just finds her missing half, and he sees something in her nobody else does. That's why he stays when she snaps at him. That's why he hugs her when she tells him she doesn't need anyone. That's why she breaks in his arms and shows her parts she didn't even know she had. It's a beautiful premise. Something so amazing, it's not allowed to be real,”I breathed out, my heart skipping a beat for a moment.
Then, just as quickly, I came back down to reality.
“I mean yeah. That's what I’ve got from it,”I shrugged.
“You have a really pretty way with words.”
“Nah. Just random rants. They're not worth sticking around for.”
“Well, if they are just rants, you should go on them more often.”
“Nah. I might end up saying something stupid.”
“Like what?”
“Why would I tell you something stupid?”
“Why not?”
“Because I don't talk to people.”
“You talk to me. Reluctantly, but you have things worth saying.”
“Sorry you aren't with your friend and girlfriend. I’m sure you’ll get to be soon though,”I said, switching the topic again.
“Girlfriend?”
“Yeah. The blonde one. I think her name’s Sonya.”
“I mean that is her name,”He trailed off.
“Well, she's pretty.”
“I mean she is, but she's not my girlfriend.”
“Really?”I asked in disbelief.
“Yeah. She's a great friend, but I could never see myself with her.”
“Well, you look at her like you love her.”
“I do, but I don't love her like that. I love her the way I love Harriet. Purely platonic.”
“Maybe. Or maybe you’ll find more in her when you keep reconnecting. Only time will tell.”
“No. I won't,”He said confidently.
“How are you so sure?”
“Because I just can't imagine her that way. She's great, but she's very good with people. She can talk to them like it’s nothing, just because.”
“So you don't want to be with someone who can talk to people?”
“Well, I’m not that good at it. Not in the casual way she is. So I’d want to be with someone like that. Someone who would be okay with just us.”
“What else would you want in a lover?”I asked, giving in to this conversation. So much so that I found myself moving a little closer with genuine interest.
“Maybe someone who can see beauty in small things that people miss. Someone observant and smart. Not book smart or street smart. The kind of smart where they could understand my head. Even if they don't agree, they could sit and talk with me about things other people don't care about. Things people overlook. Someone who can look at me and see me as a person with something to say, even in silence.”
“Sometimes silence speaks volumes. Like when someone leaves. The entire world stops and you watch them go without a word.”
“Yeah. That's one way, but there can be good ways. Like someone you would find who would sit there when there's too much going on. Someone who understands how important doing absolutely nothing but enjoying someone’s presence is.”
“Or when it's late at night, and all the lights are out. You lie there and listen to your love breathe. You listen to their heartbeat until it soothed you to sleep with them.”
“Yeah. Exactly like that,”He agreed. Deciding this was a nice place to end the conversation, I turned the lantern off and stayed on top of my sleeping bag.
“Hey Y/N?”He asked, shuffling around to get int his.
“Yeah?”
“What kind of person would you love?”
“I can't love anyone,”I sighed.
“Why not?”
“Because it would be like a Hozier song.”
“Who's that?”
“Well, he writes beautiful music. They're love songs but not happy ones. Not exactly. There's one with the lyric “you’re too sweet for me” and that's me. No matter what, I would be too bitter to be loved. I would be the completely black coffee.”
“I don't think that's true. I think that anyone can be loved,”He objected.
“You’d have the love The Neighborhood writes about. I think. “You're like the sun, you wake me up, but you drain me out when I get too much. I might need you or I'll break.” I think you would love someone until you become a part of them and they would do the same.”
“Well, I did have my memories taken, but for some reason I remember some music. Just like I remember animals and fairy tails and how things work. I also remember this one song that I think makes more sense. “If you like your coffee hot, let me be your coffee pot.” I think that makes more sense.”
“That’s a real song. It's by The Arctic Monkey, but why that one?”
“Because if I loved someone, I would try and give them what they need and want, especially if it's me.”
“We can't both love in a way that deals with coffee.”
“Why not?”
“Because that would mean you could really love me or I could love you, and I can't see that. I just don't love people.”
“Do you want to know what kind of love song I think you are?”
“Sure. I guess so.”
“Yoh seem like “There you go, saving me from out of the cold.” Because you would find someone who nobody knew needed saving and pull them off of that darkness. Then, they would do the same for you. You would be each others warmth.”
“That song always says “Fire on fire would normally kill us.” That doesn't seem very loving.”
“But it also says “with this much desire, together we’re winners” You would share something nobody understands but that made sense to who actually mattered.”
“What about “they say that we're out of control and some say we're sinners?” That's pretty bad.”
“Okay but “don't let them ruin our beautiful rhythm.” You would fight for what matters, and love matters.”
“It does but not to me. It would just be another way to get hurt.”
“But everything can hurt. Why not have something that can complete you?”
“Because it can break you.”
“I don't think anything can break you, but I think you could be healed.”
“No. I don't need to be.”
“You don't need to be or you don't want to be?”
“I don't want someone to heal me. That would mean opening up.”
“Like you're doing right now,”He reminded me. Taking a breath, I opened my eyes to see him looking at me through the darkness, his gaze completely fixated on me.
“This conversation never happened. When we wake up, this wasn't real. No emotions, no songs, no talk of love, none of it. Our conversation was as deep as strangers.”
“So you're saying we're not strangers anymore?”He pointed out, his voice giving away his smile.
“I mean it. This never happened.”
“You can't take away the past. Even if you don't tell anyone, it's there. Just like this conversation was.”
“I’m going to deny it if you ask tomorrow,”I said firmly.
“And I’ll remember that you said that.”
“Whatever. Night, Aris,”I mumbled, turning over.
“Y/N?”
“What?”
“I won't tell anyone what we talked about, but I won't forget it either.”
“Night,”I repeated.
“Goodnight, Y/N,”He sighed. “Sleep well for once. You can do that now.”
Ignoring him, I closed my eyes while knowing damn well I wouldn't be doing that.