Chapter Text
The Spiral
It was Friday evening when Sydney found herself silently crying on the L.
Her world was turned upside down, which sounded dramatic because her period was supposed to arrive in four days, but fuck it, that’s how she felt. She tried to stave off the tears after sitting down, trying to breathe through the feeling, but failing miserably. The tears continued to fall, and she could only be grateful she wasn’t full on sobbing. Her place was only three stops away from the restaurant and she hastily wiped her eyes as she stepped off the train.
The cool night air dried the wetness on her cheeks as she hurried to her apartment building. The building she lived in was owned by Cicero and he was kind enough to give her a beautiful large one-bedroom apartment despite her shaky credit score she was busy trying to repair. ‘You’re family now,kiddo.’ That was the truth. Sydney did feel a part of the family now after three and a half years of working closely with the Berzattos, owning a percentage of The Bear; the success and accolades making it feel like a dream she didn’t want to wake up from.
But now….
She cried some more in the shower as images of what she witnessed flashed through her mind once more. She cried as she brushed her teeth and soldiered through her facial routine. She dressed and went immediately to bed because she didn’t have an appetite.
She blinked up at her darkened bedroom ceiling, tears beginning to pool and slide it’s way down her temples and into her ears. It was stupid crying. So, so stupid and for a reason that made part of her nearly disgusted with herself.
She saw Carmen kissing a woman out back at the end of tonight’s service. Which was weird because she could’ve sworn….She could’ve sworn. The gentle touches. The soft smiles. The laughter. The quiet conversations and building of intimacy. Not to mention the constant fucking flirting. They spent a lot of time together at work and outside of work. Did she imagine it all? Was she delusional in some way? God, she felt so fucking stupid and rejected. It was sickening.
Groaning to herself, she turned onto her side and brought the covers up over her head, hoping the darkness and exhaustion would help her fall asleep, but sobbing in covered darkness seemed to be on the menu for bedtime. Hopefully when she does pass out, it’ll be better in the morning.
It was shit the next morning. The despair Sydney felt was worse in the daylight. She found herself texting her way into calling out.
Sydney: Hey. I’m not feeling great so I’m calling in sick. T can be your second.
She didn’t bother to wait for a response, instead moved into the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face, glaring at herself in the mirror. Today was Saturday and tomorrow The Bear was closed. She had two days to get her shit together; to get her head on straight.
She moved back into her bedroom and slipped onto her bed. She saw that Carmy had texted her One minute later.
Carmy: Sick? Are you alright? Do you need anything?
She could feel herself become tearful. A lobotomy perhaps? A different heart?
Sydney: Just some rest.
He answered quickly again.
Carmy: Okay. Feel better.
She collapsed onto bed, more tears coming. She was fucking spiraling.
88
There was a firm knock at her door an hour later and Sydney looked away from the television with confusion. She’d somehow managed to pull herself together and drag her blanket and pillow onto the couch to binge new episodes of Nailed it. She frowned at her door, wondering who it could be visiting so early in the morning. She slipped from the couch as the knocking continued. She peeked into the peephole, eyes widening as she caught sight of Carmy on the other side. She briefly considered leaving him out there but thought better of it because he’d just end up calling her. She opened the door, uncaring of her appearance, because it wouldn’t be the first time he’d seen her in her pajamas, face bare. They’d become that close.
“Yo.” He said, walking past her like it was any other day.
She stood there for a short moment before closing the door and turning to face him. His hair and face both looked windswept; face red and hair wild in that way she really enjoyed. She studied him for a short moment, absurdly thinking he wouldn’t look the same after what she saw last night. But no, he still looked the same. Same sleepy insanely blue eyes. Same handsome stupid ass—she stopped those thoughts with a shake of her head. “Hey.” she finally said. “What are you doing here?”
He shrugged with a small smile. “Came to check on you.” He held up a brown paper bag. “Brought you some chicken noodle soup from Sopas.”
Of course, he did because it was her favorite. She glanced at the time, seeing he was running late, and she couldn’t help but feel touched by the gesture. Ugh! She gently took the offered bag, the aroma of Spanish spices suddenly giving her an appetite. “Thanks.”
He nodded, looking pleased. “I better get going. Do you need anything else?”
‘I saw you.’ She wanted to say. Wanted to ask who the fuck that woman was, but she knew she probably didn’t have any right. “No. I’m good. Thanks.” She walked him to the door, opening it for him with a soft smile. “Thank you for checking in.” She said, meaning it. “Don’t suck tonight.”
He snorted. “Shut up, jerk.” He moved into the hallway, pausing. “I’ll check in later?”
She nodded. “I’d like that.”
He gave her one of his soft smiles he only reserved for her. “I’ll talk to you later Syd.”
She closed her door as he moved toward the elevator and leaned against it. Fuck.
*88
She met Jules two weeks later. It was at The Bear’s holiday party and part of Sydney was relieved because it was like ripping off a band-aid.
“Sydney, this is Jules. Jules this is my best partner and friend Sydney.”
Carmy looked nervous, Sydney observed. To the outside observer they wouldn’t normally notice, but Sydney knows all Carmy’s tells. His jaw was slightly clenched, and he was watching her carefully, gauging her reaction with that slightly squirely look he got when he wanted to hide, but knew he was trapped. Do you approve of this? He was asking. He’s learned from the first time. At least he’s learned not to keep secrets. At least.
She held out her hand, a pleasing smile on her lips. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”
Jules smiled as she shook her hand. They were soft in comparison to her own, fuck. “It’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Oh, has she? Sydney’s eyes briefly glanced at Carmy, who was still watching her, this time two red circles forming on his cheeks. She turned back to Jules. Fuck, she was cute. Gorgeous even. She had beautiful Ombre Locs, flawless brown skin, and big brown eyes that would melt anyone’s heart. “Good things I hope.” She heard herself say. Jules laughed while nodding, and Jesus even her laugh was perfect as she showed just the right number of teeth.
Sydney felt the urge to run away, but knew she had to be socially gracious and not rude. So, there was small talk. Jules met Carmen at the Gym. She’d asked him to help her use one of the weight machines even though she secretly knew how to use the machine, she just wanted a reason to talk to him. Oh god. She was a high school teacher, and she loved her job. Sydney made sure she laughed at the right times and asked all the right questions. The more she acted like nothing was wrong, the more relaxed and relieved Carmy looked even though it was slowly killing her.
It was Tina who saved her. “Sydney, I need your help with the caps in the kitchen.”
Sydney nodded at Tina and waved at Jules. “It was nice meeting you.” She said, avoiding Carmy’s gaze as she turned and followed Tina to the kitchen, feeling Carmy’s eyes on her the entire way.
Sydney looked around to see the stuffed Mushroom caps ready to be served. She frowned as she looked at Tina. “What do you need help with T?”
Tina waved her hand as she sidled up to Sydney. “I didn’t really need help.” She tilted her head. “You good, Mija?”
Sydney tensed from the inquiry. Was she good? Was she? No. But, she couldn’t fall apart now. She couldn’t. “Why wouldn’t I be good?” She asked instead.
Tina studied her for a few moments before nodding her head. “Aight, Miss Sydney. Will you help me bring these out?”
Sydney nodded; grateful Tina dropped the subject.
88
Fak, Marcus, Sweeps, and Richie sat at the bar gossiping.
“So, are we going to point out the awkwardness here or….”
“You mean the fact that Jules looks like Sydney?”
“Hey man not all black people look alike.” Sweeps said and Fak held up his hands.
“No. I’m not saying this because they’re both extremely attractive—”
“Sexual harassment Fak.” Richie cut in warningly.
“Black women.” Fak finished. “I’m saying this because, I mean, well look at her. She even sort of has the same mannerisms as Syd.”
All four men turned to glance in the direction of Carmy and his girlfriend.
“Yeah.” They all said after a while.
“It’s like Bizzarro world.” Fak said quietly.
“I mean, what the fuck is going on here exactly?” Richie angrily asked. “I could’ve sworn those two idiots were dating.”
“Maybe Carmy tried to shoot his shot and Sydney turned him down. I mean she turned me down.” He waved his hand when they all looked at him with surprise. “Long fucking story.”
They watched as Jules giggled in a very Sydney way.
“Uncanny.” Fak said with a shake of his head.
888
The end of the night found Sydney sitting on a chair in the office feeling emotionally fatigued. She did a shit job of avoiding Carmen and Jules. It seemed, everywhere she turned there they were. There Carmen was with his stupid handsome face laughing and joking with her as if he didn’t rip out her heart and serve it to her medium rare. Okay that was a little dramatic. But not really because it was how she felt. She took a few deep breaths, working to quell her qualms; the urge to cry as she listened to the party continue without her in the dining room.
What did she think would happen? That they would just continue this way? Building whatever without ever admitting—but no. She can’t make assumptions because it was clear as fucking crystal Carmy did not feel the same way she did. She wrapped her arms around her waist, feeling the urge to cry again, but saving the breakdown for the safety of her own apartment. She stood and made her way out of the office, pausing in surprise as she spotted Natalie entering the kitchen.
“Nat?” She said with surprise. “I thought you couldn’t make it.”
Natalie nodded as she moved closer. “I know, but Pete’s work thing ended early, and I wanted to see you.” She put her hands on Sydney’s shoulders. “Are you okay?” she asked worriedly.
Oh god. No. Not that question with those eyes and that sad knowing face Natalie was giving her. She knew. She always knew. It was an open secret or maybe she just knew because she was Nat. “I’m fine.” Sydney heard herself say.
Natalie shook her head. “Oh Sydney. Carmen—” She trailed off when Sydney started shaking her head.
“It’s fine.” She said.
It wasn’t fine.
“Carmy is—”
Carmy is a piece of shit asshole who she wanted to literally punch in the fucking face.
“He’s—I’m—”
He was supposed to be hers. She was so hurt. So, confused. So sad.
“Carmen and I are—”
Just friends. Totally platonic. Nothing more than that. Nothing more.
“We’re—”
Shit, her cheeks were wet she noticed, and Natalie looked so sad and concerned. She let the older woman she’s started to view as a sister pull her into her arms. She cried quietly into Natalie’s shoulder, soaking her pretty red dress while her own shoulders shook as the stress of the night came crashing down on her.
“Fuck.” Natalie croaked quietly, rubbing Sydney’s back. “This fucking sucks.”
Sydney laughed wetly as her tears continued to flow. “It really fucking does.”
TBC
Sydney was cooking inside as she stared back at Carmen angrily. “Don’t.” She said simply. She knew he knew what she meant by the instant softening of his gaze. Don’t talk to me that way. Don’t look at me that way. Don’t fuck with me….Don’t hurt me.