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The silence is maddening. Every thought, footstep, and breath echoes through the house and drills into Eddie's brain. All he can do is replay every misstep and mistake in his mind over and over, there’s no solution he can conjure to save the damage that has already been done. He lets the ghosts of his mistakes infiltrate his house. Eddie Diaz is haunted.
He has no room to breathe or fall back into what he knows, even at work his life has been fractured. Every nitpick and microaggression Captain Gerrard throws lights a small fire in Eddie that reminds him he can still feel. After a week with the new captain, he learns to snuff it out, to wait until Bobby comes back and the veil of normalcy returns to his life. It's much harder to fight the fire that burns for his friends, but they all anchor each other. Buck anchors him, through small touches on calls, patting his back or squeezing his hand, driving to and from shifts together, and watching mindless TV together on his couch while pretending a black hole doesn’t suck the air from his home. Some of these moments with Buck make him feel whole again, and other times, when he catches Buck blinking away tears after walking past Chris’s room, everything feels out of reach.
It’s selfish for him to want Buck all to himself, to grasp at some sense of stability, to hole them up together in his house until Chris wants to come back. Like it was selfish for him to think he could have Shannon back. His delusions and yearning to find something that makes him feel normal again, even just for a fleeting second, keep leading to his world crumbling and rebuilding around him. His relationship with Buck is just another pillar in his life waiting to crash down on him, waiting for him to finally fuck it up.
The exhaustion of the shift wears heavy in their bones as they wordlessly agree to climb into Buck's jeep and go home. Neither of them speak very much this evening, briefly discussing something to eat and deciding on a show they both quietly know they won't be paying attention to. Buck drifts in and out of consciousness on Eddie's couch, House Hunters not engaging enough to keep him awake. On some level Eddie understands that Buck knows that he needs Buck there, he needs someone in his space, someone else’s breath to fill the stale air. Eddie also knows Buck has been struggling with Christopher being gone too, he knows Buck thinks he’s failed at getting Christopher to stay, at being a support system for Chris. He’s reassured him time and time again, “It’s my fault not yours, he just… he just needs space,” his own words ring in his ears. But he sees the sleepless nights hang heavy on Buck's frame as he’s sure it shows in his own eyes.
“Hey, why don’t you just sleep here tonight Buck,” Eddie offers with a soft waking hand on Bucks shoulder, it feels just short of a plea for him to never leave.
A yawn interrupts Buck's grumble of agreement. He stretches out along the couch as Eddie rises to grab him a pillow and blanket. It’s an unspoken acknowledgment that the pair sleep sounder in the same space, and if Eddie can offer Buck anything it’s a few extra hours of sleep on his shitty couch. Buck settles into the couch as if it’s a luxury mattress, Eddies see their hours of work melt off him as he wraps himself snuggly in the blanket. They whisper short goodnights and Eddie lets his feet carry him to his room, instinctually leaving his door cracked so he could easily hear if Christopher needed help.
Exhaustion and the comfort of knowing Buck is just in the other room let sleep take over Eddie's body quicker than it had in weeks. It feels like only seconds of blissful sleep before he’s jolting up in bed, cold sweat trailing his spine. He can only hear his heart racing over the ringing in his ears. As he tries to slow his breathing he hears Buck's muffled voice beside him. Buck's hand on his knee, thumb running back and forth, through the blanket Buck's touch burns but grounds him.
“Hey. Hey, you’re okay Eddie. It’s just me it’s alright. Your breathing okay? Do you need to breathe with me for a second?” Buck's concerned eyes subconsciously check him over to make sure he’s uninjured.
“Fuck, sorry. I’m okay,” his gasps betray his words. “Sorry I woke you.”
“No no it’s okay,” Buck moves to give his calf a quick squeeze of reassurance, “have… have your nightmares gotten worse since Chris left?”
Eddie exhales heavily, dragging his hands through his hair, “Yeah I just… I can’t relax y’know? my own home feels alien to me. Like I'm a ghost living in someone else’s house.”
“Yeah uh, me too… it’s like my brain knows I can’t check up on him- and it… it just torments me,” Buck is averting his gaze now, fidgeting with the folds of Eddie's blanket.
Eddie's heart twists at Buck’s confession, of course, this is hurting Buck just as much as it is him. Christopher is as much of Buck's child as he is Eddie’s. He can see the crack in the pillar begin to grow right in front of him and he’d do anything to hold it together. Eddie sits himself up resisting the urge to grab Buck's hand, he settles for his forearm. “Buck, I’m so sorry-“
“Hey hey hey no, you’ve said it enough Eddie. You’re trying to fix things, you did the right thing. It’s not your fault I’m having nightmares, I'll be fine.”
Eddie swears he can feel Buck lean into his touch, or his wishful mind has willed the sensation into his hand. He doesn’t dare let his eyes leave Buck’s to check if he’s hallucinating the feeling. He searches Buck's face for even a hint of falsity behind his words but he’s met with Buck’s usual raw authenticity.
“I really fucked up huh,” he rasps through a watery laugh, “I just wish I do something more.”
Buck doesn’t respond right away, they both sit there on Eddie's bed letting their conversation wash over them. Eddie's hand is still on Buck's arm, his fingers a little too stiff. He should move his hand but he can’t seem to make himself and Buck is making no move to change their position. He didn’t realize he hadn’t been breathing until Buck began to speak again.
“If it’s okay, can I stay with you tonight,” his light eyes shine in the murky shadow of the room, “uh in your bed- I mean.”
Eddie can practically hear the blush spread across Buck's face as he clarifies, he can’t help but let out a small chuckle. “Of course.” Finally removing his hand from Buck's arm, he reaches over patting the bed beside him, “come on I’ll scooch over.”
Buck, instead of walking around the bed to get in from the other side, climbs over Eddie's legs crawling across the bed and awkwardly tucking himself under the covers. Eddie can’t stop the chuckle from leaping out of his throat.
“You’re kinda a freak you know?” he can’t stop the grin from sneaking into his voice. Buck just beams at him and shrugs, wrapping the blanket around him tighter. Before he even realizes it, sleep overtakes them both with ease.
~
The glow of the morning sun draws Eddie out of his slumber. This is the most relaxed he’s felt in weeks, he thinks. He gives himself a moment to savor the fulfilling rest he got and the way his bones have practically melted into the mattress before catastrophizing over the feeling of Buck's breath against his neck and his arm tossed over his waist. He lets his mind act like this is normal like he’s not two heartbeats away from carefully fleeing to the bathroom or from pulling him deeper into his side. Before he has the chance to do anything Buck mumbles at his side, he grabs at Eddie's sleep shirt in a drowsy haze. Slowly returning to consciousness he must realize what he was doing because he quickly removes his arm from Eddie's waist and rolls onto his back.
“Do you want breakfast?” Buck asks, letting his head fall to the side to look at Eddie.
“Uh yeah sure, whatever you wanna make is great.”
Buck rolls out of bed to head for the kitchen and Eddie hops in the shower in the meantime. It’s a simple morning really, Buck has cooked breakfast for the Diaz household after staying the night countless times. It’s so domestic Eddies chest aches, Christopher should be there. Buck would be humming in the kitchen or singing the words to a pop song wrong just to make Chris laugh. Christopher would be asking Buck to make pancakes in however many ridiculous shapes he could think of. Maybe he’d ask why Buck didn’t sleep on the couch or make a weird face at them both leaving Eddie's room. Eddie wishes he could ruffle Chris’s hair before joining Buck in the kitchen to make coffee. Now the kitchen only echoes the sounds of Buck cooking breakfast for two. Eddie steps into the kitchen as Buck is plating up their food.
“Smells good, what’d you make?”
“Oh, nothing crazy, it's just eggs and toast. I didn't feel like making much else. It's a little easier to cook this just for two people, I think if I made pancakes or something we’d be eating them all week.” Buck tries to make the last comment lighthearted but it comes out strained.
“It’s perfect thank you,” you’re perfect he thinks. Eddie imagines a light blush spread across Buck's face as he ducks his head at the compliment.
The act of normalcy, sharing their breakfast and his bed almost makes everything seem okay again. Yet, his house feels hollow in the morning. The comfort from Indulging in Buck's closeness the night before only lasts so long before the chill of his home starts seeping into his muscles again. He can see the way it's haunting Buck too, the dazed far off look in his eyes as he quietly munches on his toast wracks Eddie with guilt.
“You got any plans tonight or tomorrow? Since we’ve got tomorrow off too I think I need to make myself get out of this house.” Eddie attempts to keep the desperation out of his voice; he's sure his eyes betray him.
“Actually um I’m having dinner with Tommy tonight,” there's a weird itch in his voice like Buck has to force the words out but quickly he adds, “But I'm completely free tomorrow, why don't we make a whole day of it? We could go to that farmer's market and that new Thai place we've been wanting to try out?”
Eddie can't help as a grin teases his lips at Buck so easily going into his planning mode. It's easy to ignore the twinge of disappointment he feels at the mention of Tommy when Buck so simply shifts his priorities to the two of them. He wonders what Tommy makes of them sometimes, he wonders what Tommy would think of them sharing his bed or of them planning their day together over breakfast, if he might scorn at the way Buck brushes off their date in favor of their time together. In theory, he and Tommy are still “friends” even though they haven’t hung out in weeks, so Eddie isn't sure exactly why he wants his best friend's boyfriend to feel some way about their relationship.
“Yeah that sounds great, you wanna watch a movie here after?” Eddie can't help himself, selfish tendencies course through his blood to jump at any opportunity to have any second with Buck he’ll let him.
“Of course,” Buck replies like it's the most obvious answer in the world.
The pair exchange small smiles as they finish their breakfast. Buck’s protests aside, Eddie cleans up the kitchen.
“Hey, I think I'm gonna head back to my mine so I can shower and change. I probably won’t see you till tomorrow, you need anything before I go?” Buck says but his drawn-together brows and searching eyes ask ‘ are you okay here by yourself?’
“No yeah, I’m okay. Go get yourself clean, you smell.” Eddie adds pinching his nose for dramatic effect. He wants to tell Buck he can shower here. He wants the smell of his conditioner to linger for his date, for Eddie to have a small mark on him, some type of claim to him.
Buck gasps with fake offense, “Wow I cook you breakfast and this is how you thank me…”
“What can I say, just trying to be honest,” he replies, hands raised in defense.
“Yeah yeah whatever, I'll see you tomorrow.” Buck's smile reflects in his words as he heads for the door.
“See you then. And thank you, for everything Buck.” His words are loaded with images of Buck's comforting hand on his knee, of Buck snug in his bed next to him.
“Anytime Eddie”
~
Eddie goes for a run. Buck around or not he still needs to get out of the house. As soon as Buck closed the door, his house felt like it was going to swallow him whole. So even though he just showered and could probably benefit from a few extra hours of sleep, he slips on sweats and running shoes and tries to outrun his ghosts just once.
Running was good, the endorphins felt good, the slight burn in his calves, the fresh air, and the sweat down his back all felt good. But it’s a mindless activity, Eddie is not one to listen to music in his spare time or as a placeholder for his thoughts but right now he wishes he had some headphones and some dumb pop music blasting in his ears. As he gets into the groove of the run his mind wanders, to Christopher, to the 118, to Captain Gerrard, to Buck, to his parents, to the way Christopher refused to look at him before he left, to Buck's firm but supportive hand searing his shoulder as they watched him leave, to Christopher’s face when he saw Kim, to his nightmares, to Buck, to Bucks breath against his neck, to his arm around his waist and the small tug on his shirt. Maybe it’s Eddie's mind that’s haunted.
When Eddie gets home it’s already afternoon. He turns on some reality TV as background noise and busies himself with cleaning. He washes dishes, does laundry, dusts, and whatever he can think of that he hasn’t done since Christopher left. In the evening he showers again before cooking himself dinner. He makes too much spaghetti, it’s an easy enough dish for him to make. Buck has helped him a few times, but he’s always cooked it for three plus leftovers.
It’s around 11 o’clock when Eddie is brushing his teeth and he hears keys working at the lock of the front door. It could quite literally only be Buck, but Eddie still is careful not to be heard as he sneaks down the hall to check. Buck is locking the door behind him as Eddie enters the living room.
“Buck?” he looks to still be in his date clothes. A dark vertical striped button-up that’s just a little too tight across his chest and shoulders.
Buck jumps a little at the noise, “Oh shit sorry I thought you might already be asleep.”
“It's 11, I’m not that old damn,” Eddie chuckles, “so were you just gonna crash on my couch in the middle of the night without saying anything? I thought you were out with Tommy?”
Mild embarrassment overtakes Buck's face as he fidgets with the hem of his shirt.
“I was, I just- when I went back to my apartment… I couldn’t- it was like too much or not enough I guess. I don’t know what I'm saying, I just couldn’t be there.”
You didn’t want to stay with Tommy? he wants to ask but instead he says, “I get it, you know you’re welcome here anytime. Well you definitely know considering you just walked in here in the middle of the night without even texting me.” His tone is light but he can see Buck cringe a bit at his words.
“Which is fine,” he adds, “just hope I don’t have a baseball bat next time.”
“Okay damn, noted” Buck breathes out with a laugh.
They stand there just looking at each other for a beat. Eddie wants so badly to tell Buck he can just stay in his bed again, maybe he’ll light the damn couch on fire so neither of them ever have to see it again. But Buck is already moving down the hall to grab bedding and all Eddie can say is;
“I’ll go grab you some clothes to sleep in,” fleeing to his room to grab Buck some sweats and a t-shirt of his.
He finds Buck in the kitchen, lost in thought staring down at a glass of water. Buck doesn't even notice when Eddie enters the kitchen, he stands there awkwardly for a beat, holding his jumble of clothes.
“You okay? Was everything with Tommy okay?” he can't help but ask.
Buck looks from his glass face already softening as he meets Eddie's eyes.
“Yeah yeah, it's just he asked if I wanted to go out tomorrow too because he also has the day off. And I said no obviously,” obviously , “I told him I already had plans with you and he made some comment about how “of course, Eddie comes first”-”
“Did you guys fight?” his stomach is turning, his grip on the clothes in his arms tightening.
“I mean not really?” Buck’s avoiding his eyes now.
“You don't sound too sure.”
“He kind of just accepted it… He clearly wasn't happy about it, but- but I guess he knew I wasn't going to change my mind. He wasn't wrong, you do come first.” on a shaky exhale he admits the last part just barely above a whisper.
Eddie thinks he is going to have a panic attack. Any moment his heart rate and breathing are going to pick up and the room will start spinning. But it doesn't come, his feet are cemented to his kitchen floor, eyes bearing into Buck waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for him to admit that he changed his mind and that he actually wants to go out with Tommy tomorrow. He waits for his own mouth to move telling Buck he’ll be fine and that he should just go. But these moments never come. He's still standing there like an idiot just blinking at Buck.
Buck takes a step towards him.
“Uh I can take those and get changed and go to bed,” he offers, extending his hands to the clothes Eddie now has in a death grip.
“Yeah… here sorry,” he replies dumbly, letting Buck take the clothes, “I'm gonna head to bed… goodnight Buck.”
“Goodnight,” he responds with a soft smile.
~
In the morning they vouch for coffee and breakfast sandwiches at a local coffee shop before they set off to the farmers market. Buck has made a loose list of odd ingredients he wants to look out for while they are there. They wander the rows of booths picking out fresh fruits and vegetables, homemade butters and creams, and they taste every sample they can get their hands on. This one booth specializes in all different flavors of honey, they picked up some hot honey because Eddie likes it on his toast while Buck completely falls in love with the lavender honey he tasted. Buck all but moans around the small sample spoon of lavender honey. Eddies eyes linger on his mouth, he wonders if he could taste the lavender honey on his lips if he were to kiss him.
“Mm Eddie you should really try this, it's so good oh my god,” his words lightly muffled from the honey coating his mouth.
“I’m good, I trust you,” he replies with a faint chuckle, his mouth already feels dry and his words stuck together. Eddie grabs two jars of lavender honey in addition to the hot honey, pays, and adds them to their heavy-growing tote bag.
“Why’d you get two?” Buck questions.
“So we can keep one at your place and one at mine,” he replies easily, “since you’re just sooo obsessed.” Playful sarcasm drips from his voice.
Eddie tries to ignore the muted blush on Buck's cheeks. He wishes he could bottle up moments like this, small acts of casual affection between the pair. They run on remembering small details about each other, knowing glances like they could communicate just through their eyes, touches of reassurance and comfort, or just for the sake of it. He would say it’s a delicate balance but it’s not, carefully measured? Sure. But they are anything but delicate. In the relatively short span of their relationship, they’ve been through more together than just about any other partnership, platonic or otherwise. Eddie is sure Buck would agree when he says almost nothing could ruin them. But something itches at the base of Eddie's brain, the one thing that he’s sure if he scratches it will all crumble before him.
They take their haul from the market back to Eddies, maneuvering around each other effortlessly to put the groceries away. They go for lunch to the Thai place, bickering about what movie to watch tonight.
“What do you mean you haven’t seen Top Gun? It’s an American classic!” Buck’s grin is wide and his brows are lifted, enthusiasm is coursing through his body and Eddie can’t help but smile softly at his excitement.
“Wow, didn't realize you were so patriotic,” he teases.
“Only when I’m watching Top Gun! Listen, that volleyball scene changed 13-year-old me’s life.” Buck says a little quieter, a bit of redness creeping up his face like he’s embarrassed.
“I don’t even know what you’re referencing right now.”
“Come on Eddie you gotta watch it, and then we can watch the new one some other time.” Saying no to Buck is so much harder than saying no to Christopher, Eddie thinks.
“Fine I give in,” he says, hands raised in surrender, “we can watch your military propaganda movie, it’s not like it’ll work on me twice.”
When they’re ready for the check the waiter doesn’t even ask if they need two. It’s pretty common when they’re out together or with Christopher people just assume they’re a couple, Eddies never had an issue with it and Bucks never brought it up. So they have a silent agreement that they alternate who pays whenever they eat out or order food.
When they get home Eddie only half pays attention to the movie. Sure it’s fun and actually pretty good when he's paying attention but Buck's quips and fun facts about Top Gun make him melt. He tried to make it look like he was really focused on the movie so Buck wouldn’t catch him looking at him whenever he would turn to see Eddie's reactions to specific scenes. As the credits start to roll Buck fully turns his body, legs now crossed under him, to look at Eddie.
“So what’d you think?”
“Pretty good, better than I thought it would be. Surprisingly homoerotic,” he admits.
“Well, that’s like the best part,” his contagious grin spreading to Eddie till they’re both just smiling at each other goofily. Suddenly Buck's smile shrinks just a bit as he ducks his eyes away from Eddies. He senses something’s off, Buck likely overthinking something in that big self-destructive head of his.
“You know you can stay here tonight right?”
“Um yeah, I uh- thank you,” his hands fiddle with the seam of his pant leg.
“What’s wrong? If you wanna go back to your loft that’s fine-“
“No no no, it’s- I was actually wondering if I could stay here for longer? Like maybe till Chris gets back, I know it’s a lot to ask…”
“It’s not a lot to ask Buck. Of course, you can stay here,” his hand itches to reach out and grab Bucks, “you could stay here for the rest of your life and I wouldn’t complain. And I’m sure Christopher would be over the moon.”
Eddie feels like he just crucified himself in front of Buck at the admittance that he essentially wanted Buck with him forever. Buck doesn’t seem to notice, his eyes now glistening as they meet Eddies.
“Thank you,” he exhales simply.
“Just one condition,” Buck cocks his eyebrow at the statement, “I am not letting you sleep on the couch for god knows how long. I’ll buy you an air mattress or whatever but I am not letting you continue to destroy your back on that couch.” While Eddie is genuinely concerned for his friend's physical health, he cannot deny the drop of selfishness in his proposition.
“Oh but Eddie, me and couch have bonded now,” Buck says sarcastically, patting the couch under him.
“Ok well say your weird goodbyes to the couch and then let’s go to bed,” he says while getting up to go to his bedroom. Buck follows shortly after.
~
Eddie immediately regrets banning Buck from the couch when he wakes to an arm full of his best friend. Buck is tucked right against his chest, Eddie's arm draped over his abdomen. How Buck doesn’t wake from feeling Eddie's rapid heartbeat against his back is beyond him. Their legs are tangled and Buck’s hair tickles Eddie's nose when he breathes. If he could will himself back to sleep and live in the comfort of Buck's warmth without the threat of his racing mind he would. He doesn't have to worry about the panic of whether he should get up or stay in this haze of skin-to-skin contact for long. Buck stirs under his arm. He groans softly, pushing against Eddie with a yawn.
Buck's voice is deep and rough with sleep as he speaks, “You want me to make a quick breakfast before our shift?'' It's more of a suggestion than a question. Buck doesn't move to get up or out of Eddie's loose hold on his waist. In fact, his yawn had pressed him deeper into Eddie's chest, his nose just brushing Bucks ear.
“Yeah sure,” Eddie replies just above a whisper, he doesn't trust his voice not to crack against Buck's ear.
Eddie removes his arm from his side and Buck slips out of the bed for the kitchen. He takes a moment to bask in the fleeting warmth Buck left in the sheets. Eddie changes into his uniform before meeting Buck at the table for breakfast. They chat briefly about watching the new Top Gun movie before Buck gets dressed while Eddie cleans up. They drive to the station in Eddie's truck, it happens often enough he doesn’t expect any comments about it.
“Tommy will be picking me up after this shift tomorrow,” Buck starts with his eyes focused on the road even though he’s not the one driving, “so you don't need to wait up for me or anything. I should be back just after dinner though.”
back with me, back in my bed, Eddie thinks before quickly suppressing this odd streak of possessive thoughts.
The shift drags, and the calls are short and simple which would usually complement the extensive downtime this shift brings. But these simple calls leave captain Gerrard more time to micromanage the team and any time between calls was spent cleaning every inch of the house. By the end of the shift, Eddie's limbs sag and his eyes never quite focus on what's in front of him. He showers and changes in an emotionally exhausted daze. He exchanges simple pleasantries with Tommy while the older man throws him a sympathetic look. He nods a “see you later” to Buck before he follows Tommy out.
At home, Eddies plopped himself on the couch in front of some mindless TV and a plate of reheated leftover spaghetti. He needs to stay awake just a few hours longer to attempt to keep a somewhat normal sleep schedule, but he can feel sleep tugging at bones beckoning him to dissolve into the couch. The gentle murmuring of the TV fades in and out of his consciousness before he suddenly finds himself lying curled up on the couch being gently awakened by Buck's hand squeezing his upper arm, as his eyes flutter open to land on the soft endeared expression on his best friend's face. He feels his thumb caressing the skin of his arm, hand still firm.
“Hey Eddie, buddy you fell asleep,” Eddie is sure Buck's handprint is burned into his arm, the gentle grazing of his thumb sends shivers up his spine, “come on let's get to bed,” he says finally letting his hand fall from Eddie's arm, he stands fully, waiting for Eddie to follow suit.
He follows closely behind Buck still in a sleepy haze. Buck retreats to the bathroom to get ready for the night while Eddie slips his pants and shirt off and throws on a sleep shirt, forgoing the formality of wearing sweats as pajama pants. He burrows under their covers in his boxers and shorts desperate for sleep to overtake him again. When he’s on the brink of slipping into unconsciousness he feels a dip in the bed beside him, he’s turned away from Buck, curled up like he was on the couch. His heart skips a beat when he feels the weight of Buck's body shift closer. Then, one of Buck's long arms slides over his waist, curling just around his chest, Buck pulls them closer. Eddie’s back to his chest he feels the soft nuzzle of Buck's forehead against his shoulder. Before he can ask if Buck is okay or overthink his place in his own bed, his body crosses him, every muscle sighing a breath of relief and softening into the body against his.
~
Eddie wakes, noticing Buck’s absence from his side first. Second, is light arousal pooling in his gut. He worries that maybe Buck noticed his half-hard-on and got scared away, but Eddie is still modestly covered by their blankets. He dashes to the shower before Buck notices he’s awake. He lets the water run a little too hot, prickling his skin as he steps in. He lets his hand trail over his chest, to his abs, to his waist, and to his hip. He remembers the weight of Buck's arm against him and the pressure of his fingerprints as he pulled them together. Letting his hand echo Buck's touch he imagines how easily Buck could pin his hips down. How big his hand would look wrapped around his now fully hard cock. Eddie finishes embarrassingly quickly, only half-heartedly attempting to keep the ungodly thoughts about his best friend at bay.
Eddies finishes his shower, changes, and then joins Buck in the kitchen. His entrance startles Buck when Eddie on reflex goes to start them coffee.
“You good?” Eddie asks, eyebrows knit with concern.
“Yeah- just thinking,” he replies simply but Eddie can practically see the gears still turning in Buck's head as he dazes just past Eddie.
“Don’t strain yourself,” he quips in an attempt to ease whatever’s going on in that big blonde head.
Buck laughs with a light smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
Eddie pours their coffee and Buck plates their sausage and eggs. Mornings have gotten easier with Buck, everything is easier with Buck. The lack of Christopher still weighs on them both, not quite used to the silence of two adults in the house. But Buck helps, and Eddie hopes he does too. He sleeps easier and sounder, the ghosts are quieter, and he still thinks about Chris all the time but the violent silence caused by his absence is muted. He’s starting to receive more texts and pictures from his parents about Chris, he happily shares them with Buck which dampens the discomfort in his chest.
“Tommy and I broke up,” Buck startles Eddie out of his thoughts.
“What?” fell out of his mouth before he could articulate a more concerned response.
“Last night,” Buck knocks the food on his plate around nervously with his fork.
“Are you okay? What happened?”
“Yeah, it was- it was mutual… He said I’m too invested uh elsewhere, to really commit to the relationship.”
“That's his loss, Buck, you’re the most committed person I know.” The irony is not fully lost on him.
“He was right, y'know? I wasn’t really “in it” as much as I could have been…” Buck avoids his eyes like a dog with his tail between his legs.
“That’s okay Buck you know that right?” he reaches forward to rest a reassuring squeeze on his forearm, “he wasn’t the right one, and that's fine.”
“Yeah, I just- sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in this cycle with my relationships. it’s hard to feel like I'm not the problem sometimes.”
“Buck, no one’s perfect, but sometimes I think you’re just about as close as a person could get.” The honesty shocks himself more than it shocks Buck. His hand sears Buck's arm, Buck looks back at him with wide eyes and mouth slightly agape. He needs to retreat, to crawl into his own chest, and never come out. He draws his hand away and leans back in his chair.
“I just- anyone would be stupid to lose you,” he can’t help the fact that anything he says when it comes to Buck is foolishly sincere.
“Eddie I-,” he starts, “thank you. It means a lot.”
“You know what,” Eddie slaps his hand down a little harder than intended on the table, “let's go out tonight. I think we could both let loose a little. It’ll be fun to drink somewhere that isn’t this damn house.”
“Ok, sure. yeah, it could be fun,” Buck agrees tentatively.
~
It’s three drinks in when Eddie realizes this might have been the worst idea of his life. Buck is flushed red and sweaty, and all up in Eddie's space as they sit stool to stool at the bar. Of course, he lets it happen, the entire time Eddie has known Buck he’s known him to be a touchy drunk.
He tries to ignore the want-filled bile threatening to leave his stomach as Buck's nose bumps against his ear when he tries to talk to him over the noise of the club. When his hot breath fans Eddie's neck, when a hand wraps around his waist, arm over his neck, or thighs press tight against each other. Eddie can’t help but lean in, and let his breath catch in his throat, the touch is more intoxicating than anything he’s drank.
Buck is rattling off some fun facts about the song playing over the club speakers when the bartender interrupts them.
She slides a drink towards Buck, “this is from the gentleman right over there,” she says gesturing to a man across the bar eyeing Buck with hunger.
“Listen I can just let him know that you’re here with someone, I'm sure he’ll leave you guys alone,” she says apologetically.
“Um yeah actually that would be great if you could let him know,” Buck says, sliding the drink back towards her, “I also don’t feel comfortable taking this, sorry.”
She takes back the drink and pours it out, “Yeah sure, I totally understand.”
When she walks off Eddie starts, “Hey you didn’t have to do that. If you wanted to talk to him I’d be fine.”
“What? No, that guy seemed kinda a creep,” he laughs out, “and, I’m here with you. I would much rather spend time with you than some guy I don’t even know. In fact,” his words slur slightly, “I wanna spend all my time with you.”
“Oh,” Eddie mouths but he’s not sure if any sound actually left his lips.
His eyes search Buck's face for any sign of pity but find the sliver of blue surrounding his blown-out pupils, his airbrushed pink cheeks pushing wrinkles to his eyes, the week-old stubble on his jaw, and his plump lips pink and moist from his drink. Fuck, he wants to kiss Buck. Their faces are maybe less than a foot apart, it would be so easy to just tip his head forward and meet Buck's lips. Instead, he propositions:
“Let's dance, come on” he stands a little too quickly throwing himself off balance, Buck puts a hand on the small of his back to steady him. It stays there as Eddie guides him to the dance floor.
Eddie doesn’t know what the hell he's doing, why he shot himself in the foot by dragging Buck out here to dance. It’s packed, they’re practically chest to chest and Eddie can feel the thrumming bass of the song in every inch of him. He tentatively moves his hips with the rhythm of the song, letting it flow through his body as naturally as possible. Buck looks lost, out of his element with mild panic in his eyes. Eddie guides his hands to his hips, giving Buck a questioning look to make sure this is okay. Buck melts into the touch letting his body follow Eddie’s. So Eddie loops his arms over his shoulders and pulls Buck closer. They can’t move without their chests or hips brushing together and it’s addictive, every point of contact sends his skin buzzing.
At some point Buck’s grip on Eddie's hips tightens, drawing their hips flush with each other all but grinding to the rhythm of the song. There’s no way Buck doesn’t feel Eddie's arousal against him, but he doesn’t really have it in him to care. He hides his face in Buck's neck, breathing in a mix of sweat, cologne, and vodka. There is where he feels the vibrations of a moan in Buck's throat. Eddie lets his hands travel up Buck's neck and into his hair as Eddie pulls away just enough to see his face. Buck's eyes fall to Eddie's lips, so with a tug of his hair Eddie crashes their lips together.
He hesitates when their lips touch but it devolves into desperation and hunger the moment he feels Buck fall into it. He can taste the vodka and peach on his lips and tongue. Buck's hand slides down to Eddie's ass, pulling them closer and making it physically impossible for them to keep dancing. Eddie groans into Buck's mouth at the action, which Buck takes advantage of, catching Eddie's lower lip with his teeth before licking into his mouth.
It’s like trying to pull apart two magnets as Eddie removes himself from Buck's mouth just enough to talk.
“Uber,” he states gently sucking his bottom lip between his teeth.
“Uber.” Buck nods enthusiastically, stare not leaving Eddie's lips.
They separate enough to weasel their way out of the crowd, Eddie trails behind Buck with their fingers interlaced.
They wait, hands still intertwined in silence as Eddie runs his thumb along Bucks, the Uber gets there quickly enough. In the car, Buck’s knee bounces anxiously while he attempts small talk with the driver. Eddie grips the edge of the car seat in an attempt to keep his hands to himself.
Eddie fumbles with the keys once they’re home. As soon as the front door closes Buck crowds him against it, hands finding his hips again, pinning him to the door. He captures Eddie's mouth in a brief starved kiss before making his way along his jaw and down his neck, sucking and licking softly at Eddie's pulse.
“Fuck, you think we can make it to the bed before I come in my jeans?” he pants clawing at Buck's shirt.
“mmm, I guess so.” Buck chuckles into his neck.
Buck places a sweet savoring kiss against Eddie's mouth before painstakingly separating their bodies. Eddie curls a finger around one of Buck's belt loops following him clamoring down the hall together to his room.
With the slam of the bedroom door closing, Eddie's lips find Buck’s and his hands find the buttons of Buck's shirt. It takes him entirely too long to get the shirt undone, he’s too preoccupied with the overwhelming heat of Buck's mouth and his rough hands exploring his body over his clothes. With Bucks shirt off Eddie peppers kisses down his neck and nips at his collarbone. With his hands on Eddie's hips, Buck walks them backward toward the bed.
“Eddie common who’s the tease now,” Buck says in a shrill whine.
“mmm sorry, I kinda wanna kiss every inch of you,” he replies with a low hum. Buck groans in response.
“Please Eddie,” he all but whimpers, “another time. I need you.”
The concept of whatever this is happening again stuns Eddie for a moment, it cuts through his lust-addled brain like a hot knife. For just a second anxiety floods his body, the potential of the pillar that is Buck's place in his life crumbling in his mind.
“Eddie?” Buck's voice draws him back to reality. Buck is real and solid and standing right in front of him, his lips are plump from kisses, his face is flushed bright red and he’s still clearly very hard and yet his eyes search Eddie's face with concern.
“Are you okay? do we need to sto-“ Eddie cuts him off with a kiss.
“I’m great, this is just- it’s kinda crazy. Sometimes I can’t believe you’re real.” his smile creeps into his voice.
Buck's face breaks out in one of his signature goofy grins before placing a kiss on his forehead, which rings so deeply intimate it scares him a bit.
“I’m real. I’m right here, and now you’re never getting rid of me. Let’s get on the bed, yeah?” Buck crawls onto the bed in probably the least sexy way possible but Eddie can’t help the endearment that flows through him.
Buck sits legs out in front of him leaning back and propping himself up with his elbows. Eddie crawls onto his lap, legs straddling Buck's thighs. He lets his fingers slowly trail the curves of his chest feeling Buck shutter underneath his touch. His hands explore lower, his fingers are feather light tracing doodles into his abdomen. He can hear Buck's deep shaking breaths but pays no mind. When he finds himself at the top of Buck's pants he carefully toys with the end of the buckle before sparing Buck a questioning look which he nods in response to. He undoes the Buckle and then the fly of his pants, rolling off Buck's lap so he can pull his pants off. Buck’s boxers leave very little to the imagination, he’s all but bursting through them, and a small wet patch of precum has formed in the cotton.
Eddie feels out of place when he remembers he’s still fully clothed. He tears his shirt off, Buck groans at the sight causing Eddie to throw the garment at Buck's face.
“Hey! dickhead!” Buck exclaims, aggressively throwing the shirt across the room.
“Maybe don’t insult the guy who desperately wants to suck your dick.” he cocks an eyebrow at Buck while undoing his own pants.
“You- uh- y-you want-“
“Yes Buck, if you would like to help me out you could take those off yourself.” he gestures to Buck's crotch. Even in life-or-death scenarios, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Buck move so fast.
Eddie had never imagined he could be so turned on. Sex for the sake of wanting, of needing it is so foreign to him. But fuck, does he need Buck.
He frees himself from his underwear and climbs back onto the bed, settling between Buck's legs. He moves forward to kiss Buck again, their cocks brush at the movement and Eddie gasps against Buck's mouth. Eddie moves to kiss his jaw, neck, chest, and abs, trailing all the way down to his thighs. Leaving small kisses along his inner thighs. Experimentally Eddie takes the base of Buck's cock in his hand and does one slow drag up and down.
“You’re killing me,” he huffs above him.
So, Eddie licks a stripe up from the base of his dick to the tip, teasingly lapping at the head. The taste of precum and sweat is salty against his tongue but he doesn’t hate it. He’s thoroughly enjoying the noises his partner is making. He’s never heard Buck so desperate and pliable, he wants to push him to the edge and bring him back again, he wants to hear him beg for Eddie's touch. He sinks down just below the tip, getting used to the feeling he runs his tongue along the back of his cock, hollowing his cheeks and sucking lightly. Buck twitches inside his mouth.
“Fuck Eddie, please.” Buck throws his head back in a moan.
Eddies eases off him, “Say it again.”
“Please Eddie, fuck- your mouth please, so good”
Eddie hums a kiss against his hip before bringing his lips back to Buck's cock. He lets himself get used to the weight in his mouth, he slides down a few more inches, shallow enough that he’s not gagging but still quite the mouth full. He starts to set a pace letting his fist follow so Buck has contact on his full length. He feels Buck's hips twitch beneath him, he takes his free hand and holds his hip steady with a threatening grip.
With every whimper, gasp, and moan from Buck, his cock grows impossibly harder. He knows that the second Buck touches him he won’t last. With the way Buck is squirming, there’s no way he’s lasting much longer either.
“EddieddiEddie- I’m close- fuck, you gotta stop I wanna come together.” Buck rasps out in a rush.
Eddie lets his tongue drag as pulls off. “You’re so good oh my god,” he says, voice rough.
“Me? Fuck, you were doing all the work. You’re fucking amazing Eddie god your mouth.” Buck has to stop himself from rambling, “Come up here I wanna kiss you.” He beckons moving to sit upright.
The kiss is slick with Eddie's saliva, Buck licks into Eddie's mouth tasting traces of himself.
“Can I touch you?” he breathes against Eddie's lips.
“Fuck- yes please Buck.” he almost wants to laugh when he hears the way desperation seeps from his own words.
Buck takes both hands and grabs Eddie's hips and pulls him forward, their cocks meet with the motion but the way Buck almost possessively grabs Eddie makes him groan. Eddie's head falls against the crook of Buck's neck as his hands travel over Buck's waist and up to his chest. Bucks cock is still slick with saliva, it slides easily against Eddie’s as Eddie gently grinds his hips down on Bucks.
“Ah- Eddie I wanna try something. Do you happen to have lube around? If not it’s fine spit will prob-“ Buck stops as Eddie reaches over to his nightstand and grabs a half-used bottle of lube.
“Don’t ask.”
“Fuck now I want to-“ Eddie stops him with a kiss, pressing the bottle into Buck's hand.
When Eddie pulls back Buck coats one hand in lube and reaches down to Eddie's dick. His hand easily wraps around him, thoroughly coating him as Eddie whines beneath his touch. Eddie's attraction to Buck's absurdly large hands had always been an ignored guilty pleasure of his, like the rest of Buck so big and capable but so willing and able to demonstrate an extraordinary softness.
It’s not even a reach, Buck easily slides them together with his hand. He can almost cover both of them with his hand, it’s not graceful by any means. It takes an awkward few seconds for Buck to get the rhythm and motion just right, but Eddie hardly notices. The skin-to-skin contact, the connection, sends Eddie reeling. He’s never felt this good this close to anyone, especially during sex. His body feels limp from pleasure, surrendering to the sensation he leans on Buck letting him work them both to the edge. The closer he gets he can’t help but shallowly fuck into Buck's fits against his cock. Bucks pants and whines against his ear, ever encouraging.
“God fuck- you’re so good, so good for me Buck,” he keens into Bucks neck. He can feel Buck's cock twitch against his at the praise, Eddie has to bite his lip to suppress the groan that almost escapes from him at the idea of Buck getting off to his praise.
“Eddie-Eddie- I’m sso close, are you?” Buck stutters breathlessly, the movement of his hand becoming more erratic.
“Yeah, baby I'm so close keep going- so good.”
Buck is coming first, spilling over his hand and dripping onto Eddie's thighs. Eddie thrusts into Buck's still-moving fist, and the sight of him covered in Buck's cum pushes him over the edge. He releases with a cry, his vision blurs and he moans against Buck’s shoulder. He’s pretty sure he dug his fingers so deep into Buck's side that it’ll leave a mark by morning.
Eddie collapses on top of Buck, both panting heavily. They're a mess covered in each other, sweaty, and smelling faintly of alcohol. Buck's hand caresses Eddies back, absentmindedly tracing shapes into his skin as they collect their breaths.
“I love you, you know,” Eddie says, angling his head so that his nose barely brushes Buck's ear, “whatever happens if you regret this tomorrow. I just need you to know.”
“I could never regret you,” Buck turns to press a kiss into Eddie's temple, “I love you too.”
“Not to ruin the moment or anything, but if we don’t clean some of this up now we’re gonna get stuck together.”
“Mmmm I guess I could let you get up for a few seconds, I think I'll survive… maybe”
Eddie peels himself off Buck to make his way to the bathroom. Grabbing a warm wet towel he returns to Buck quickly wiping them down and leaving the rest for a morning shower and load of laundry.
~
The morning is filled with kisses of stale breath, soft touches in the shower together, and neither of them prompting a conversation about the night before. It’s a good sign Eddie thinks, when he wakes to Buck's arm draped over him and his face pressed into Eddie's hair. Buck didn’t run back to his loft and Eddie didn’t run, well, anywhere. It’s not like they’re ignoring what happened, kissing, touching, and showering together were certainly not a part of their platonic morning routine before.
Eddie starts in the kitchen. Buck is whipping up some pancake batter for the first time in forever and humming some pop song he has stuck in his head. Eddie leans against the counter watching Buck work and he can’t help a small fond smile creep onto his lips.
“Buck, I think we should talk.” he tries to say as neutrally as possible. Buck stops mixing suddenly and turns to face Eddie.
“Yeah, yeah we should,” there’s a crack of nerves in his voice. He wipes his hands on his apron and glances at the floor.
“Hey, look at me,” he steps closer to Buck, “it’s nothing bad. At least I don’t think so.”
Buck looks up at him, eyes glassy and shoulders tense like he’s bracing for impact.
“Buck, just like I said last night; I love you. And of course, you’re my best friend but I feel so so much more than that. You fit so perfectly into my life I don’t think I could function without you, which sure is way too codependent, but we’ve been that way longer than I've been able to admit to myself.” Eddie takes a deep breath, “I'm just trying to say- I want you in my life all the time or however much you want to be. I just want you, in whatever way you’ll have me.”
“I want you too,” Buck exhales quickly, voice wet, “Eddie- fuck, I love you so much I was worried-“ Eddie cuts him off with a kiss.
The kiss is sweet and delicate and Eddie wills reassurance into it. He kisses away the few tears that spilled over Buck's cheeks and pushes up onto his toes to press a kiss just above his left eye onto his birthmark.
The growling of Eddie's stomach interrupts them, sending the pair into a giggling fit.
“I guess I should start those pancakes,” a wide comforted grin spreads across Buck's face.
Eddie makes them coffee while Buck heats a pan and begins making pancakes. A sense of ease floods through Eddie's body for the first time since Christopher has been gone, his absence still weighs on them both but his feet feel more stable on the ground knowing he has Buck.
Buck finishes the pancakes sipping on the coffee Eddie brewed, he's made entirely too many. Even if Chris was with them they'd have more than enough for leftovers, instead of this moment striking Eddie with a pang of loneliness, he feels more hopeful. He doesn't want to adjust to Christopher being gone, he wants Chris to be able to fit back into their lives with ease. Buck will be here when Chris gets back and so will Buck's ridiculous amount of pancakes.
They're sitting at the table eating their pancakes and discussing the latest hijinx Jee-Yun has been getting up to when Eddie's phone screen lights up, incoming call: Helena Diaz . Eddie just about drops his fork.
“It's my mom,” Eddie breathes out. Buck gives him a knowing nod, gesturing to pick it up, so he does.
“Hey mom what's up? How are you?”
“Edmundo, I'm good, we’re doing good. How have you been, sweetheart?”
“I've been okay, better recently’” he replies with a glance at Buck, “how is Chris?”
“He’s good,” Helena pauses for a beat on the other end of the line. “Actually, I called you because Christopher would like to talk to you.”