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Kylo Ren had been living for years off the heady power and energy the dark side had provided, often neglecting things like food and sleep. They just didn't feel necessary. It required constant delving into anger or pain, but it was the only thing that held him together. If he turned from it, he wasn't sure he’d survive.
But then she had burst into his life, into his mind and into the depths of his being. She was a completely different kind of high. She was made of raw power and light that he knew would destroy him if he got too close. The problem was, he desperately wanted more.
She left a scar in his mind of glittering heat and a terrifying suggestion that he may not be able to resist the consuming, destructive light.
Hux interrupted his thoughts. “Any input Ren?”
He looked around the conference table at the rest of the generals. “I think captain Phasma should be commended for her timely evacuation and control of her troops. We are going to need to rely more on ground troops in the upcoming skirmishes.”
Everyone nodded. It was a good enough answer for them to leave him alone for the time being.
He felt guilty. His mind should be on military strategy. Instead it kept wandering back to her. He discreetly pulled a glove off under the table and dug his nails into his arm. The pain wasn't enough. He had been haunted by her defiant eyes since they first flickered open in the interrogation chamber. The memory wouldn't fade. He needed an exorcism. It made him want to scratch his own eyes out. Days later and likely lightyears away, she still managed to overcome him. It was as if she was defeating him anew, mocking him. He could feel hate like bile rising in his throat. It was hard to tell who he hated more, her or himself.
Ren glanced around at the stiff uniformed men and women in the meeting. All these commanders and all their troops, all the security protocols and none of it prevented a little slip of a girl from walking out of imprisonment and out of the main base unseen. He had questioned the stormtrooper who had been guarding her cell. Her Jedi mind trick had overridden an entire lifetime of conditioning.
She was amazing.
The image of her in the snow illuminated only by the blue light of her saber flashed across his mind. The thoughts rose unbidden and he shoved them down with a murderous intensity, but not before one word slipped to the surface.
Beautiful.
He found a sharp spot on his lightsaber and pressed his palm into it until he bled. It's a momentary reprieve, but ultimately not enough. He considered going to Snoke, but thought better of it. He must overcome this weakness on his own.
It was becoming more and more difficult. Lately her presence had been seeping into his consciousness unbidden and he had a growing concern that some kind of irreparable damage had occurred when she forced her way into his mind. It was almost like she never left.
He could no longer deny that he had been addicted to her intoxicating presence from the start. Once he had a taste, he didn't want to give it up. He cringed inwardly, thinking of how absurd he must have sounded, asking her to stay with him, to be his pupil. Since then every night had been a tortured battle to resist her allure, to keep himself from savoring the taste of her left behind in his mind.
At this point, his all furniture was smashed to pieces and he didn't bother to request replacements. He deserved to sleep on the floor. The discomfort was an adequate distraction to aid in restraining his traitorous heart.
It just felt so good to give in. To allow himself the small treason of fantasizing about her. He would choke on the guilt and shame later. Each time he reached out for her, the light would penetrate deeper, like a knife in his chest. Each time he felt himself opening to her, almost against his will, he hated himself a little bit more and each time he swore he would never do it again. The illusion of control was crumbling.
It didn't matter. She was gone and it was likely that he would never see her again. He wasn't supposed to care what became of her. She should fade soon.
The meeting ended and Kylo slipped his bloody hand back into his glove. Not that anyone would care anyway.
He needed strength. He needed to meditate. He needed to hurt something.
Alone in his room, he felt it again, her presence rising. He banged his head against the wall until he was dizzy and slid into meditation. He pulled deeply from the well of darkness that was within him. For a moment he almost felt better, until light pierced in painfully and shattered his concentration. He yanked off his helmet and threw it against the wall with a cry of rage.
Control.
She had stolen his control and he would never forgive her for it. He clenched his head in his hands and dug his nails into his scalp. He wanted to claw off his own skin.
He could overcome this. He needed to overcome this.
“K-kylo Ren? Is that… Can you hear me?” Her voice rang clearly through his mind and he was overcome with horror as the realization hit him.
“No.” He whispered, voice slowly rising until it was an enraged shout. “No. No. No no no no no! Fuck! No!”
There was a link. There was a fucking link between them. He could not survive this.
The sound of his lightsaber igniting registered dimly to his ears as he poured all his rage into a need to destroy. He was barely aware of his rampage, letting the action overtake him as he scarred the walls with precise geometric cuts. The shards of his broken furniture rose and swirled around the room as his control of the force fluctuated wildly.
By the time he fell to his knees, his voice was hoarse and his face was bleeding. He gasped, chest heaving, trying to catch his breath. In the chaotic ruin of his room, he shut his eyes.
It was probably better if he just stopped breathing now.
It was hard enough trying not to think about her, trying not to want her. Now he had to spend every waking moment actively trying to keep her presence out of his mind.
The same presence that thrilled and intoxicated him more than anything else, the thing he ached for more than anything else. The presence that had the potential to entirely destroy who he was.
This girl was going to be the death of him.
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