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Kylo Ren woke with a start, and it took several long, wavering breaths to stop the violent shaking. Normally, when he woke up from a nightmare, there was a sense of relief at no longer being in whatever horrible situation his mind had invented for him.
Not today.
Although the details of the dream were gone, the feeling hung over him like a sickly dark fog. He swung himself out of bed and stood up, still shaking, hoping that the physical feeling of ground under his feet would unseat the low level fear, hopelessness, and sense of loss that haunted him. It didn’t.
He needed to get away from himself, to distract his conscious mind somehow and drag it out of the murkiness he couldn’t process. His skin was crawling at the prospect of being alone with himself for a single moment longer. The pain of his nails digging into his scalp was a momentary reprieve, but all too temporary.
With shaky hands he made himself decent and stumbled out of his room in search of something to soothe the rawness inside him. As he entered the mess hall, the tables of storm troopers fell silent as he passed, except for two who did not notice him and continued talking animatedly. They must have been new.
It was too bright. Ren hated the massive floodlights the first order used to illuminate the massive room. His helmet helped a little, but he still squinted and retreated into himself as he forced his way over to the caffa.
He usually ate in his room. If he was too impatient to wait for the service droids, it was not a good morning. Ignoring the small insulated cups, he grabbed a larger one, meant for rehydrating after battle, filled it to the top and turned to go.
Kylo shut his eyes and tried to steady himself. All sensory input suddenly seemed like too much. He was dimly aware of movement, the two storm troopers who were still talking despite their neighbors frantic attempts at silencing them. His head spun and he shuddered. He never looked up, but the two formerly chatty ‘troopers started turning blue.
Once he made it out the door, he took a sip of the bitter caffa and instantly felt better. It was more of a security blanket than anything else. He remembered the way his mother would make a huge pot every morning and he would sneak some for himself until she gave in to the fact that her ten year old son was as much a caffa addict as she was. His hands shook a little less, but the thoughts of childhood embittered his mind. Hux was suddenly in his field of vision. He wondered mildly how he hadn’t noticed the obnoxious man approach. When Hux addressed him briskly at a volume several decibels too loud, Kylo flinched involuntarily and Hux went flying against the corridor wall.
Not in the mood the deal with Hux’s complaints, he walked away before the man had a chance to recover. His limbs were still heavy with the ache of despair and he shut the door to his quarters regretting having left in the first place. There was no escaping the mental anguish. He sat at a chair, gazed out the viewport and let it wash over him. His mind didn't register anything his eyes were seeing as he remained immobile, aside from the occasional gulp of caffa, letting all the creeping darkness he was trying to avoid overtake him.
He was too numb to cry about it.