Work Text:
I wish pain upon you
But that’s not what I mean.
Of course when I say “I wish”, I don’t actually expect it to happen.
Wishing is just remorseful regretting .
Like when I pray but don’t make an effort to change.
When I wish pain upon you, I wish it in a bitter way.
Pain that’s gone but never really pasted.
Something that’s dead but the spirit is still there.
When I mourn for a companion, that doesn’t really care.
It’s much easier to comfort someone you relate to.
Sometimes just being able to relate to that person is enough.
Knowing they feel what you feel is comforting already.
Knowing you aren’t the only one, that you aren’t alone.
But here is where it gets complicated.
You don’t relate, and happy for that.
I’m happy you didn’t go through what I went through.
I would never wish that upon someone.
Yet here I am.
Wondering that maybe if you did relate I wouldn’t have to explain.
Why I view myself the way I do.
Why I do things the way I do.
Why I cry for no reason.
Why I overthink every
little
possibility
that could happen.
And to be honest, the truth is I don’t know.
I don’t know why.
I can’t explain or even begin process why I don’t understand.
It’s hard to explain something you don’t get your self.
And that why I wish you’d understand.
Because the very people that would understand me are the same people who did it.
That’s why I wish pain upon you.
So when I break down in front of you and cry, you don’t ask…
“why?”
I can’t blame you tho, you’re just trying to understand.
But that’s the problem.
Without the pain, you can’t.