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“You’re embarrassing me!” Shawn tugs at his ill-fitting jacket and glares up at his parents. They’re arguing loudly enough that other kids are starting to stare. It’s his first day of 1st grade and it feels immediately doomed. That is until a girl who’s all curls runs up and holds her hand out like a beacon of hope.
“C’mon,” she nods encouragingly, “there’s a really cool butterfly over here.” She could have said anything and he would have gone. Whatever would have taken him away from his parents who were still arguing about the fact that him mom had saved up to buy him a special notebook for his first day. Loudly. In that moment something about this stranger wanting to show him a butterfly made his heart feel warm. Everything had been dingy he realized, everything before her. This shine of her took over everything else.
They go to see the butterfly. It’s a blue one. Somehow it stays perfectly still just long enough for them to watch it for a few. Shawn remembers that being the moment he knew without a doubt that he would do anything for Topanga Lawrence.
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Topanga remembers very clearly being six years old and knocking at the trailer door with Cory by her side. There was a group of boys around their age sitting outside, hitting each other, throwing things, being loud enough that she was just a little wary. She remembers feeling ashamed of that wariness because it so easily could have been Shawn over there with them, and she could never be afraid of Shawn.
When he opened the door the group came in closer, teasing him for his suburb friends. Asking him what he thought he was doing. Topanga glared and it led to one of them tugging at her unruly curls. Hard enough that it snapped her head back as a yelp left her. It was Shawn who grabbed her first to keep her steady before hoping over to the boys, his fist connecting with the face of the one who'd pulled at her hair.
It was the first time she'd ever seen violence. When it came to tv and movies her parents didn't believe in showing stuff like that. And they were six, not exactly a lot of school fights to witness either. She thought it would frighten her more. That it would shake her to her core. Leave her forever changed. In a way it did. She learned in that moment that she liked violence and rough edges. And from that day forward the name Shawn Hunter was imprinted on her ribs, over her heart, keeping her safe. It would take a long time before she understood deeply she could feel for him.
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“You hurt my feelings,” she whispers quietly, only briefly meeting his gaze. It feels like they hit middle school and he stopped being her friend. Because she was weird in a way that embarrassed him. It was more important to be cool than to be her friend.
But when no one was around he could be kind. He could be her best friend again. At first she felt safe in these moments, when he was who she thought he was. Now though she is always bracing herself. Waiting for his laughter that aims sharply at her heart. Today though he shut a door in her face. Both him and Cory. With no one around they could have chosen kindness. Instead they chose a path of normalcy. The easy way.
“I-I’m sorry, Topanga, I really am. It was just…” Shawn struggles for words, clearly hoping she’ll let him off the hook, but when she just stares sadly at the warped step of his trailer he gives up. “-guy stuff,” Shawn finishes lamely. His shoulder drop as he takes her in and he wants nothing more than to take it all back. But he doesn’t know how to make it up to her. And deep down he knows he’ll just disappoint her again. That’s who he is.
Topanga scoffs at his explanation, daring to look up at him just to see how he could have the audacity to say that. Before she can demand a better explanation he says something else that stills her. “Cory was mean too, why are you only comin’ after me?”
The answer is simple. Because when Cory was mean to her it didn’t hurt the same way. He was a dumb boy. But Shawn meant more and right now she refused to tell him that. “Stop deflecting, Shawn. You don’t get to turn this around on someone else. I know where I stand with you now and I won’t forget it.”
He feels like he’s just been punched in the gut. On instinct he comes closer, hands taking hold of her shoulders as he shakes his head, “Please don’t say that,” Shawn whispers, “You know what you mean to me. You’re my best friend.”
“If that was true then you would sit next to me at lunch.”
They both know he won’t. That the pressures of middle school will weigh too heavily and he would rather pretend she’s nothing more than a joke at school than become the joke himself. But to say it out loud would break his heart in two. So instead he presses his forehead against hers and whispers again, “Please, Topanga, I need you.”
“Maybe there is a universe that exists for us,” She responds softly, letting the silence between them finish the thought but it must not be this one. This is a goodbye, they both know it, and it feels like it’s the end of the world. That’s why she doesn’t pull back when he wraps his arms around her in a silent apology.
When they pull apart, Topanga looks up at him. Her Shawn. Stupid, stupid Shawn who’s letting her down. But still her Shawn. She doesn’t want him to forget that and that’s why she makes a very dumb decision. Before she can talk herself out of it, Topanga stand on her toes and kisses him lightly. That way he’ll never be allowed to forget her.
Shawn is too stunned to move or to speak. It’s his first kiss, and while he doesn’t know it yet, he’ll be spending a long time comparing every kiss to that one. Trying to find one that feels half as warm. She leaves quickly, a whispered goodbye rushing out. He wants so desperately to stop her. But he know right now there’s nothing he can offer that’ll be enough.
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It’s been months since they last spoke. He’s thrown rocks at her window, tried to pass her notes, done anything to get her attention. Cory hasn’t shut up about the fact that she kissed him and it’s driving him insane, wanting so badly to tell Cory he’d been her first kiss. He knows she did it to drive him crazy. And it’s working. All he wants is some small sign that she still thinks about him. But she never looks his way. Eventually he has to give up or he’ll do something more foolish than usual.
But then Minkus says she’s going to be his wife. Shawn feels a pang of jealousy, it’s the same one that hits whenever Cory mentions her, but it’s awoken again and makes his stomach ache. She doesn’t say no or anything and he can’t see her expression. Did she like that he said that? Not knowing consumes him with such intensity that he breaks and goes back to her house, tossing one more rock as he hopes for the impossible.
Her light turns on. It looks like hope.
“What are you doing here?” She whisper yells down to him.
“Can I come up?” He can’t hear it, but he sees her sigh and for a moment he thinks she’ll close the window and turn off the light. But then she’s nodding, making room for him to climb through. And he wastes no time climbing the ivy-covered lattice and landing quietly in her room. “Thanks.” His smile lights up and for a moment it feels like the divide between them is gone. But the look on her face, a steady mix of confusion and irritation, quickly pull him from that fantasy.
“Why are you here, Shawn?” Topanga sits down on her window sill, leaving enough room for him. She hates how relieved she feels when he sits down beside her.
“Would you marry Minkus?”
It takes her a moment to process what he’s actually said. While she had no expectations here…she really really wasn’t expecting that. “No,” She responds quickly, “I wouldn’t marry anyone.”
I wouldn’t marry anyone, it doesn’t really answer the core of his question. “Topanga…” Shawn knew that coming here was a reckless choice. Given the fact that nothing has really changed between them. All this can do is reopen wounds that have hardly begun to heal. Instead of letting it go though he goes for broke and reaches out for her. Cupping her cheek and gently turning her to face him. “Do you like him?”
“Even if I did,” She responds softly, “What business would it be of yours?”
The words sting enough that his hand drops away, but she keeps her eyes on his a moment longer before adding, “I don’t.”
She didn’t have to give him that. Shawn knows that it was more than he deserved and that just makes him feel guiltier. “Okay…” Standing back up her clears his throat and crosses his arms over his chest. “I uh- I should go.” All she does is nod in agreement and watch him go, only turning off the light when he’s finally out of view.
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Christmas sucks. Shawn is watching his world crumble while all of his friends brag about how awesome their presents are. Piles of things wait under their trees. And Shawn can only think about whether he’ll have a meal the next day. If his dad will find a job…what happens if he doesn’t.
No matter how much he laughs and brags with his friends, the gnawing in his gut never goes away. The only one who sees it though it is Topanga. This time it’s her that shows up in the middle of the night, tapping softly on his window. It slides halfway open. Enough for him to poke his head out. He’s expecting the kid from the trailer next to his, they were sneaking out to the store tonight to steal a few candy bars. Instead he’s met with a mess of curls and a look of concern. For some reason when Topanga wore that look he didn’t feel the same kind of anger he did when it was his friends from school. Maybe because it didn’t feel like charity when it was her.
“Hold on,” he says, gesturing for her to go over to the door before closing his window again.
When he gets there she’s waiting with both hands behind her back and he tries not to feel so nervous. Shawn hesitates to ask, “Did you…want to come in?”
Topanga nods, taking a step forward. It brings her closer to the weak light above the door, illuminating soft curls that for a moment he considers running his hand through. He ends up running that hand through his own just to keep from doing something stupid as he steps aside for her. She comes in and goes right for the thin hallway that leads to his room. In her hands is a bag and instead of asking what might be in it he just follows her quietly.
Once in his room and tucked away safely they both sit on the edge of his bed before she hands the bag over. “I don’t need your charity,” Shawn says immediately as his hands close nervously around the sides of the bag.
“It isn’t charity, Shawn. You’ve been…well something has been wrong. I don’t know what. But I can see it in your aura…and I just wanted to do something. I made it myself.” Topanga explains quietly.
He wants to argue that it is charity. She’s so sincere though that he doesn’t have it in him. So instead, he pulls away a layer of tissue paper and reaches in to find a soft plush bunny. It has long floppy ears and a hand sewn crooked smile. “You made this?” His eyes stay on the bunny in his hands, too nervous to look at her.
“I did,” She confirms quietly before adding “-do you like it?”
At the worry in her tone, he looks up without hesitation and nods, “I love it, Topanga. I just wish I had something to give you.”
“I don’t need anything.” More accurately the one thing she needs is something he won’t give her. “Merry Christmas, Shawn.”
“Merry Christmas, Topanga.”
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They didn’t speak after Christmas. It was too hard for Topanga to keep letting him in when she knew he would just be a jerk the next day at school. The next time he showed up at her window, the lights stayed off. He tried a few times before giving up. At school she stopped sneaking glances at him. She stopped hoping that things would be different for them.
Shawn told himself that he had let her go. Because she clearly had let him go. Which was then made all the more complicated by Cory. He wouldn’t stop talking about her. Bringing her up randomly. It was so obvious he had a crush even though he wouldn’t admit it. Since Shawn never brought up liking her…well it meant he had to back off. Cory was better anyway. He’d always have more to offer her.
Without ever discussing it, Topanga and Shawn had somehow made a pact to put their feelings away. To forget any moment they’d shared that belonged only to them. Of course, it was a foolish thing. Even as they did their best to pretend, a heart never really lies, and theirs continued to beat each other’s names no matter how much they ignored it.