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Seonghwa hated this. He was a loser. Days like this are the worst. Everyone else needed like a max of 10 minutes in the recording room, got their lines straight after the shortest time and got praised as if there were no tomorrow. Praised from the producers, praise from the other members and especially praise from Hongjoong, who didn’t shut up about Jongho being so good and talented and great for a painfully long time, while he struggled with his few lines terribly. Which was…embarrassing… Considering that he would be heard 10, 12, let it be at most 15 or 17 seconds in Work. Hardly more than that, because with a song that's not even three minutes long, it would be impossible to bring in more than that for 8 people. And yet he was still in here for about 10 times that time his voice would be used. Slowly Seonghwa began to feel that the stares on him from outside were getting more annoyed. For sure, it could be a product of his imagination but the voice that kept repeating ‘try again’ sounded more frustrated than it probably should and even the suggestion on how he could do better sounded more like pure mockery to him than some friendly advice.
And yes, he understood that. He would probably also be annoyed if he realised that one person was holding them all back. And it only got worse the more he was ashamed of it; the more the stares from outside felt like hot fire through his veins, causing his voice to tremble and take after take to become more uncertain.
So no, he was not a little bit surprised when he heard the “okay take a break” when Yeosang was asked to sing his part first. It would be for the best. He could calm down a bit, bring down his pulse and try again later. Seonghwa knew that this would possibly be the best decision for now and was actually thankful that he was not forced through it for the moment.
Or more like…. would be thankful, if there weren’t the piercing gaze which met his as he left the little booth. Hongjoong’s eyes seemed…not amused or somehow even in a way pleased with the decision to pause for the moment. And it somehow hurt. So he lowered his gaze - because he didn't want him to be able to scrutinize him like that. The time when he was okay with being able to read every expression on his face was over.
Eventually it was San’s almost immediate “Don’t worry hyung. You did great!”, which broke the strange tension between Hongjoong and him. Seonghwa was sure that nobody recognized it, besides the two of them, so he pretended it didn’t happen either and just tried to concentrate on his task.
***
Tiredness caught Seonghwa the moment he arrived at home. His limbs felt numb without working out much today and his head hurt more than it should from a day of recording only, which was comparable fine, but it costs some nerves and energy to constantly fail, even though it got better later, after Yeosang was done with his part and everyone kept motivate him nonstop, telling him that everyone could have a bad day sometimes and that it was fine. Everyone besides Hongjoong. Yeah, they had history. Yeah, the history wasn’t exactly the best. But that alone was no reason for all the mean gazes and apart from that, he thought they were okay…
With a big sigh Seonghwa threw himself on his bed, before he pulled his mobile phone out of his pocket and scrolled through social media and the messages he missed over the day. Not that he was writing with many people. It was not necessarily easy to connect with people as an idol, even though people might assume so. But things are often different than they seem and so it was rather lonely than anything else, even if his friends lived one room away. Even when he actually thought that he likes his peace and quiet and got countless likes for every post on Instagram. But being lonely was different from being alone and even if he forgot the feeling when he ate with San and Mingi in their flat, when he played stupid video games with Yunho or Yeosang even though he was terribly bad at it, or when he had more profound conversations with Jongho than the youngest of them should be able to have, the feeling came back at the latest when everyone returned to their little constellations.
When Yunho and Mingi joked about what they'd done when they were 14, when Yeosang and Wooyoung and San did... God knows what with each other. Sometimes he thought that maybe Jongho would understand him. In his sudden loneliness. But then again, it didn't seem to bother him for real one bit to finally have his peace and quiet when he wanted it. And as if he was not needing anyone as much as Seonghwa had needed Hongjoong in the past.
When they had the talk it was only convenient that her move was imminent. Things were cleared quite fast. Seonghwa moved in with Mingi instead of Yunho and since they agreed that it would be unfair if Hongjoong would stay in the apartment with only one roommate he changed his place with Yeosang - very much to the discontent of Wooyoung, but If there were problems in a team, everyone had to play their part, even if the problems arose because two people couldn't pull themselves together and ended up in a relationship despite knowing better. Eventually the end of them as a couple was so foreseeable that nobody even asked when they asked to change their room arrangement. Their silence was a quiet „I told you so” and neither Seonghwa nor Hongjoong had anything to counter that when their era of weird silence started. Followed from the passive aggressive era and finally - finally - entering the time where everything seemed to be normal between them again. Most of the time at least. Minus days like these, when Hongjoong's impatience felt more personal to him than to others. And when he had the feeling that he had nicer words for everyone else than for him. But he knew that he tended to spiral and overthink sometimes, so he tried to ignore the feeling and focused on his desperate need to relax.
Or at least tried it.
To say that Seonghwa had any relaxation left, when he saw Hongjoongs name bob up on his display would be a straight up lie and for a moment he considered just pretending that he didn’t see the call. But in the end he was too polite, no, maybe too desperate, maybe too whatever to not answer and so he tabbed the glass with a slight rumbling wobbling up in his body.
“Yeah?”, he answered the phone. Voice almost as trembling as it was while recording earlier today.
“Are you at home?”, the voice from the other side asked. And Seonghwa had a rather bad feeling about the question and the implications of it. Suddenly, he could sense the presence of Hongjoong very, very clearly.
“Where else should I be?”, he eventually replied - way more passive aggressive than it needed to be, but it was like his body needed a way to release his tension.
“So you are at home?”, Hongjoong kept asking - his voice very clearly annoyed but that was fine. He started to get annoyed too. Anxious, yes. But annoyed too.
“Yeah. I am indeed at home.”, Seonghwa made himself say, an intense sigh in his voice, before he couldn’t let the previous events go and added: “Why are you asking? Afraid that I am not good enough for your song, if I go out at night?”
Hongjoong seemed not to be impressed by his little comeback though. He never has been.
“I'm only asking because the light in your room isn't on.”, he instead told him, all casual about it, that, yes, his presence not only felt close.
With a quick move Seonghwa got up from his bed, pushed away his curtain from his window and looked down, where the other one stood and looked up to him - one arm laid over his chest while the other hold his mobile phone to his ear, as if he had crossed his arms before over his upper body like a tenacious kid.
“What are you here for? Do you want to apologize for glaring at me the whole day?”, Seonghwa managed to ask - his gaze still fixated on the self-proclaimed captain standing there, many meters beneath him and looking smaller than he already is. Seonghwa couldn’t hold the little smirk back, which fights its place on his lips at the thought of the smallest hand he have ever seen on a fully grown-ass man. God, pull yourself together, Seonghwa…There was no place in his mind right now to find the other one adorable.
“Can I come up?”, Seonghwa felt the other say before he actually said it and after he realized that Hongjoong couldn’t see him nod, added - since it was no use to deny it - a little: “Yeah. Come up. Sannie and Mingi are still out anyway.”
“I know. They are at my apartment. Fucking 99ers. I can’t with them anymore. Please I need someone grown up to talk too.”, he answered, but Seonghwa realized that he was already on his way into the building.
“Why don’t you talk to Jongho then? You were so full of praise today for him earlier.”, Seonghwa responded - knowing that he sounded petty. But god, man, please - he literally was.
“Don’t you want me to praise someone when he did great?”, Hongjoong only replied and Seonghwa felt that no, he still wanted him to praise the other members. He just didn't want to be killed with looks when he wasn't as good as he wanted to be, damn it.
‘Besides, I don't mean him by grown. And you know that too. Don't be so snippy,' Hongjoong added, and if he didn't feel somehow in the right for his emotions, he might have felt called out. But so he just waited until the other man gave him a curt, ‘I'm right in front your door,’ before leaving his still dark room, crossing the corridor - forcing himself not to notice the mess the other two had left behind - and opening the door to his ex-boyfriend.
“Hi.”, he said and let his hand sink down.
“Hi.”, Hongjoong said back and it echoed from both of their phones.
The air shouldn’t feel so thick around them. They were better than that already. But something felt off right now. Something that had been brewing between them all day, something Seonghwa couldn't place right. And now that they were alone it was so unmistakably between them that he could taste it when he would stick his tongue out for it just a tiny little bit. But he was not crazy. So he wouldn’t.
Instead he stepped aside and let the younger one in, who was clearly not a bit as irritated by the chaos in their apartment as he were but Hongjoongs missing sense for tidiness has been on his list of no-nos when they pondered about breaking up or not, so he didn’t wonder, as he just walked straight to Seonghwa’s rooms - all naturally with this attitude of his. Once in a lifetime he would like to be as confident as he is. Maybe he would then look fancy too just by turning on a light switch.
“You shouldn’t stress your eyes in the dark. It’s not good for them.”, he casually scolded him, because he always did. Sometimes Seonghwa thought that it was simply in his nature to nag people. Regarding this trait he really was like his father. And those two people weren’t such he liked to compare for usual.
“You have more dioptres than me.”, he therefore only weakly talked back and almost choked on the “also I am older than you”, which stuck somewhere in his throat, as if this was no argument that counted between them anymore. Instead he just placed himself on the bed again and Hongjoong did too.
For a moment they stayed silent. This kind of silence was not too few, but too many things were still to be said to express them. The kind of silence they had back then in their “no-talking-era”. Seonghwa remembers every word they didn’t say in those days. And remembers in which aggression and violence they actually did say them to each other some weeks later when they were in private. None of that seemed relevant right now anymore. How long has it been since they were alone for no reason the last time?
“Do you feel better?”, Hongjoong finally broke the silence - very clearly giving his best to sound casual about it, while he lifted both of his legs onto the bed. He was still in his streetwear, but it was fine. Seonghwa was too, so he had to change the bedding anyway.
“Better?”, Seonghwa just echoed - still a little bit distracted from the thought of how dirty Hongjoongs socks maybe got from wearing them all day. His left eye twitched for a hot second in disgust in which he couldn’t control his body to the fullest.
“Well… better.”, he emphasized, as if Seonghwa didn’t knew the meaning of the word. He decided to ignore the implication and only slowly raised his gaze, so he could look in the other’s big eyes, straight up staring in his. For a moment he frowned. Something was going on in this pretty head of his.
“You seemed off today.”, Hongjoong eventually concretized. “In the studio. You never take so long to get your lines straight. Actually it was quite-”
“Can’t you just let it be?”, Seonghwa interrupted him weakly. Because no - he hadn’t had the energy today to do this right now. This conversation. The scolding. The carving anger into worry where none was, when there was no reason behind it. He got his parts. He managed to do them eventually after some troubles in the beginning. There was no need to discuss any reason behind it when there weren’t any. Especially not on a day like today, where the other’s presence felt like an error in the matrix. Where he just wasn’t in the mood to be mature about everything…
The cruel thing about loneliness was that you started wanting to be alone when you felt in need of someone the most.
“I was just ask-”, Hongjoong tried his luck to speak up again, but couldn’t finish once again, since Seonghwa cut him short again.
“No you were not. All you wanted to do the whole day was to criticize me and that is fine. That is okay. But just do it when we’re at the studio instead of looking at me, as I alone would tear the whole team down and not come at me hours later and hide your disappointment into something like care, when we both know that this isn’t the kind of relationship we have anymore. I know that I sucked today. I know, okay?! But it happens, what else should I do other than to apologize that I can’t hold up to the rest of you anymore?!”
His words felt like fire on his tongue. Thoughts which had to get out if he didn’t want them to vitriolize his mouth, even though the actual speaking out of them hurt too. He didn’t want him to know about this. He didn’t want to be weak in front of him. It was fine for Seonghwa to show his insecurities in front of everyone else, but to do this in front of someone's ex-boyfriend was the most humiliating thing he could imagine. And since he always has been some kind of a weepy person, he had to blink one, two, maybe five times to not lose a tear out of anger over himself and the flashing pain of being too much and too less at the very same time.
Eventually they felt silent again. Seonghwa sniffled, Hongjoong breathed, but nothing more were heard for a little moment after his outburst, before it was the younger one again who filled the void with his softest voice.
“I still care for you Seonghwa.”
The sentence felt like silk on his skin. But Seonghwa yet refused to snuggle into it and look for comfort in it. Instead, he tried to stay solid, ready to kick Hongjoong out anytime… while a way to big part inside of him wanted to crawl into his embrace.
“I still care so much for you.”, he continued, still oh so soft, while he reached out for him. His thumb stroked over his cheek, as if he would dry his tears. Seonghwa was pretty sure in the meantime, that he didn’t cry a single one - but nonetheless appreciated the gesture, while he couldn’t stop himself from leaning into the touch the tiniest bit.
The second cruel thing about loneliness was that you started wanting to be touched so bad that you can’t differentiate between bad and good ideas anymore.
“You are not worse than the rest of us. You are good. So good.”
The other’s words lulled him in like a warm blanket in the winter, gave him goosebumps because they always did, when he suddenly felt his breath on his skin. When did he come so close? Hongjoong’s lips were so nearby, that he could see where a lack of balm made the thin skin crumble. And Seonghwa had to fight the sudden urge to kiss them all soft and mellow again.
“The best actually.”, were the last thing he needed to be emphasized, before Seonghwa couldn’t deny himself anymore to lean in for the sole idea of a kiss. A little touch, almost too short to be called as such, but enough for him to bring feelings back, which were hidden 6 ft under before.
So he tried to move away the tiniest bit, accompanied with an aspirated: “Sorry, we should’t-”, before he felt a hand in his nape, pulling him back in with a similar breathed “We definitely should.”
Hongjoong was all over him in no time. His lips were pressed against Seonghwa’s before he was able to think about it for another second and if he was honest, he was not in the mood to do it anyway. He just wanted to be kissed, to be caressed with this tiny pair of hands and told that he was fine and not alone. He wanted to let the filigrane fingers of his captain stroke through his hair, which had grown way too long. He wanted to feel home again, in a time where home was just a four-lettered word without a meaning behind it. A meaning they robbed from each other when they decided that they were better off without each other as partners. A meaning, which Hongjoong robbed from Seonghwa, when he decided to take the opportunity from him, to bury his fingertips into his - (unfortunately) still clothed - hips, which always managed to ground him. No matter what. A touching promise. A promising touch.
“I hate it so much, when you are about to cry.”
Hongjoongs words vibrated against his lips. He could almost feel them better than he heard them. And Seonghwa, in exchange, let his soft sigh vibrate against his, as he felt the round of his butt press down on his crotch. In no world, not in his and not the one they made up for their music, there was anything as good as the feeling of the other’s ass against his lap.
“This is not good. We should stop.”, Seonghwa nevertheless managed to say, even though he wanted nothing more than to continue. As long and as messy as it could get. With all the sweat and the heat, he knew they would build up in no time if they would just let go as they used to do. God, what skilled lovers they were back then…
“Just let it happen …and enjoy it.”, Hongjoong answered with a soft voice, starting to shower his chin, his cheek, his face in open mouth kisses, letting them wander down his throat, his collarbones and every centimetres of skin, which he revealed bit by bit while constantly undressing him. Seonghwa knew that this was something he might regret later. He knew that it was a horrible idea to let him unzip his jeans, pull down his shorts and he knew that he would hate himself for moaning so fucking yearning, when he felt Hongjoongs hot tongue against his length.
But he couldn’t help himself. So he just did as Hongjoong told him. He enjoyed it.
His Ex boyfriend has always been good at that. At making him almost weightless in mind because of his skilled touches at his legs and balls, while his wet mouth kept his cock entertained. Seonghwa had to do nothing at all, besides closing his eyes and feeling the warmth and satisfaction the other one was giving him second for second, while his tongue did his work right there where it was needed. His hands were just loosely placed at the back of his head, not guiding but holding, grounding, since he didn’t want to push too much nor to jerk too harshly in his mouth. Seonghwa had always loved to just lay there while Hongjoong did all the work.
“Pillowprincess.”, he heard Hongjoong mock him.
Seonghwa needed a little bit to fully understand it in his little bubbly headspace but couldn’t hold back a bright grin, creeping on his lips - making him smile content, pleased, enjoying, while his hands only slowly started to guide when Hongjoong didn’t found his way back to his member.
“I heard this is a term for lesbians.”, Seonghwa eventually managed to answer, adding a satisfied little hum, when he felt the other’s tongue press at his prominent vein. He would never not be impressed how attentive Hongjoong could be, who answered with a little giggle (his fucking sweet little giggle), before he got back up to kiss his lips. And Seonghwa responded avidly - almost disappointed, that it didn’t last longer and Hongjoong pulled away shortly after to add an entertained “I don’t discriminate.”
And somehow it was like it used to be. Intimate touches, sweet talking, laughing and giggling while giving eachother much needed comfort, distraction and closeness - washing away all the loneliness he felt deep in his heart. A certain kind of warmth, that let them forget the pressure put on them day by day, when every little mistake means losing time and therefore money the company is investing in them. As if they were machines, which had to produce, which had to function and deliver and even though he didn’t feel like that most of the time, there were moments in his career where this feeling managed to occupy his way of thinking - fueling the wish to just throw everything they worked so hard for out of the window. And what could take away that feeling better than the lips of someone else, someone one trusted, who made it clear with every touch: ‘We share this worry. But we have each other. So don't give up.’
So he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t think much anymore and instead press his mouth at Hongjoongs, let his tongue play with the others, while he helped him undress, so that the only slightly younger man would get naked in no time and let Seonghwa’s mind go blank a little bit more with every inch of skin he unwrapped.
Seonghwa loved fashion. But nothing suited his captain as much as nudity - pure, beautiful skin, decorated only with a bit of ink on his arm and ankle and a necklace delicately decorating the place between his collarbones. How deep the desire was in him to cover him as a whole in kisses, touches and… love.
Love that he still felt when he looked in the younger’s eyes and love, that still was the reason why he couldn’t help but feel hurt, when he got the feeling that he was disappointed in him. Love that was the reason they were here now. Even if it was in a different way than one might think.
Seonghwa let his hands wander. His fingertips drew invisible lines across the beauty of Hongjoong’s soft chest and eventually one of his index fingers hooked in his necklace, played with it, before he continued to do so with his sensitive nipples. An immediate moan vibrated against his lips and Seonghwa swallowed it hungrily. Hongjoong's muscles seemed to soften under his every touch, his facial features a little smoother with each faint sigh. And Seonghwa couldn't help but find it adorable. Pillow Princess his arse... It was time to take the initiative.
With a firm grip, he dug his fingers into the skin of his ex-boyfriend's hips and made a twist that elicited more pitiful sounds from the bed than either of them had made in a long time. But there was always a little loss.
“Suddenly so motivated?” laughed Hongjoong, his cheeky expression suddenly a little different from before. There was still that naughty glint in his eyes. But his cheeks were almost as pink as his hair had once been. And it was simply lovely. How could he stop himself from wanting to kiss them even redder?
“Should I stop then?”, Seonghwa asked.
“Never”, he breathed out and wrapped his arms around Seonghwa’s middle, pulling him even closer on top of him, before he chased his lips again, desperate to feel his tongue in his mouth.
With his knee Seonghwa made the other man spread his lean legs underneath him more, so it was almost too easy to sink in between them. And how easy it felt to let one of his hands grab the other's leg and pull it up, press it against his captain's chest and kiss along those well-trained thighs - letting his lips wander down down down. He heard Hongjoong’s surprised gasp so fucking loudly in his ears, heard an echo of it ring again and again in his mind, as soon as Seonghwa’s teeth sank softly in the cheek of his pretty, round butt, before he kissed it better and spread those gorgeous cheeks.
“Hwa what a-”, he heard the high-pitched voice start but die down the moment Seonghwa let his tongue lap over the other’s exposed hole. And the way Hongjoongs voice almost choked on that, the way his thigh trembled in his hand was motivating enough to keep going, lick wet stripes along his rim, dipped his tongue’s tip inside, while his free hand started to jerk him off eagerly. And God, how could those sharp sounds make his mind go completely blank. He knew he would have regrets about all this. But for now, there was nothing to think about but the pretty sound of Hongjoongs voice, his hot skin and the feeling of his clenching hole, which was almost begging for him, more and more the longer he kept teasing him with his mouth. And who was he to deny him his begging.
Seonghwa popped back up between the other's legs and gave him open-mouth kisses along his chin while his hand blindly reached for his nightstand, searching for the lube and condoms. God, he was surprised he had any left. Actually, he felt like he hadn't had sex in years.... and when he thought about it and realised that the last time before now was also with Hongjoong - what should have been the last time with Hongjoong - his heart skipped a beat again. This whole situation was a fucking tragedy. But Seonghwa couldn’t bring himself to think about it like that. Even though the timing was kind of off… A little bit of a second thought crawled inside his mind, while he towered over the other one. Thinking, looking, trying to understand the why and the why now and the chances that this was too good to be true.
“Hey…”, he therefore started again, voice so soft that it pushed down the heat of the moment a little, while staring down at his ex-boyfriend, who looked - to say the least - wrecked. This couldn’t be fake right? Nonetheless Seonghwa continued his question “...you’re not doing this because you pity me right?”
The look in his eyes was…something else. He seemed kind of… irritated? Maybe a little bit bothered. But most of all: caught. Seonghwa felt his facial expression drop. This little -
“Don’t think too much, hyung.”, he just argued.
And somehow it was enough of an answer. More yes than it should be. More yes than he wanted it to be. And way less confusion inducing than felt good. It was painful how clear it now seemed and even more how okay he was with it, as Hongjoong performed another change in their position. Without Seonghwa doing anything about it, the younger one pushed him on his back. The lube and the condoms lay next to them. Mockingly, as Seonghwa recognized that they were the same he had bought with Hongjoong when they were still together. It felt a little bit humiliating. But not as much as the fact that he seemingly got a little bit soft from the fact that this was not about them, but about Joong to feel sorry for him.
“I’ll make you feel good and then you will be able to be a little bit more cheerful for me, alright?”, he purposed as if it was an offer, a deal to make and Seonghwa couldn’t help but frown about it, when the other’s fingers wrapped around his dick again, pumping him as it were a course that had to be done, before he unwrapped a condom and puts it on his member and Seonghwa hated that it indeed felt good.
“I really hate it when you are sad like this.”, Hongjoong continued talking. Seonghwa wished he would just shut up. That he would just stop talking, while he poured lube over his dick in such a big amount that he wondered if he was trying to make the tube empty, as he took a similar excessive amount on his fingers, before he reached back and started to prepare himself for the following.
Hongjoong kneeling over him, fingering himself open, while staring down on him should be the sexiest thing out there. It used to be. Seonghwa had always liked, no loved it when he was riding him like crazy, making use of his trained thighs and showed him what bouncy was about for real. But now everything started to feel just a little bit… dull, hollow, muffled. Like a pain that he just felt through a membrane, which only leaves a steady bum-bum-bum, which kept hitting his throat. God his body felt numb.
Numb enough that the feeling of Hongjoong sinking down on him, taking him inch by inch with a single movement was not as fulfilling as it used to be. Gone the feeling he should have, when their bodies touched and the captain's mouth fell open, performing a silent moan. This should be so good. Perfect actually. But it just wasn’t and so he remained surprisingly still when the younger one started to move on him. And it was such a beautiful sight... Hongjoong's back arched as he leaned back, his hands resting awkwardly on Seonghwa's knees as his hard member bounced to the rhythm of his movements. The dark, lust-filled eyes were fixed on him, never looking away for a second, while the straightest, whitest teeth bit into those thin, rosy lips he wanted so badly to kiss.
But he didn’t. He just looked back and felt embarrassment fill his cheeks with hot blood, making him wish that he could look away. But he couldn’t. It was as if his eyes were glued to the other one, nevertheless that he knew that every look he gave him was not only full of desire, but way more with pity.
God he pitied him.
And - somebody must help him - yet Seonghwa enjoyed it.
How could he not? Hongjoong felt hot and tight around him. His visuals were stunning, and his moans were maybe rare, since he never has been loud in bed, but therefore even more precious when soft sounds of pleasure were escaping his throat. Usually, he would have stood up at some point and moved towards him, trying to kiss each of those little sounds from his lips and feel them vibrate against his skin. Usually, he would have held his hips and set the rhythm.
But right now... he felt almost absurdly passive. No wonder Hongjoong had little more than pity for him. He was pathetic. Pathetic because he was so damn hard and aroused despite knowing that. Pathetic because he couldn't hide the fact that he obviously still felt enough for him, and it seemed so obvious that Hongjoong thought it was a good way to comfort him.
Eventually a flat “Look how much better you are now,” gave him a little sting. A sting that tore another wound in his flesh, as the younger continued with an “If I had known beforehand that it would only take a tight hole, we might have taken less time in the studio.” - breathed between two unusually loud sighs, which made clear that he faked it. He never would have made so many sounds. Never.
“What?”, Seonghwa therefore asked. Shocked. Not only because of the clearly faked porn-like performance he got delivered, but because of the words Hongjoong thought of being okay to say. Spoiler alert. They were not.
“Huh? Isn’t it true?”, Hongjoong answered, eyes innocently wide open. And they made Seonghwa furious as fuck.
And if he hadn't been buried completely into Hongjoong, he might even have admonished him for being careful with his choice of words. Instead, however, he could only stare at him with a furrowed brow as the other began to move on his lap in now slightly circular movements as he continued: “It's true. If I'd known that a little sex would make you less self-pitying and whiny, I would have just sucked you off before the recording. Or asked Wooyoung. I'm sure he would have.”
Pure shock. Seonghwa dug his fingers into Hongjoong's hips. When had he stopped moving?
“How are you talking to me? I'm older than y-,” he began. But Hongjoong didn't think to let him finish. Or even accepting his criticism for a second.
“Or would you have preferred Sannie?”, he continued. “Oh they're all so, so, so into you, I bet no one would have batted an eye if I'd told them to do so. Everyone would have done it. But I bet you wouldn't have wanted it with anyone as much as you wanted to do it with me, would you? You feel so lonely without me. You're still not over me, am I right?”
This was enough. He had enough. A sane person would have pushed Hongjoong of him and told him that he should keep his distance. A sane person would have set his boundaries here and told him to leave.
But he wasn’t sane.
He hadn’t been sane when he asked Hongjoong out for the first time, and he wasn’t now, when he pressed his fingers in the sensitive skin even more, took advantage of his height and changed their position in one quick movement, bringing the younger one under himself and turned him around, before he pushed inside hard again, pressing a surprised gasp out of the younger’s lunges. And heaven knows, this time it was everything but fake.
Seonghwa didn’t know what his goal was with this. Maybe he didn’t had any, but making Hongjoong stop talking without having to lose the warmth of his skin on his. Maybe his only intention was that he could pretend for a little longer, that they were what they used to be and this was so much easier when the younger was not able to talk, because only rubbish would leave this sweet mouth with the pace in which Seonghwa took his pleasure from him.
“I told you to stop.”, Seonghwa eventually huffed, getting a sharp whine as an answer as he fastened his tempo. “But you just can’t behave and listen to people for once!”
It was not fair, maybe. Maybe it was what Hongjoong wanted him to do all the time. Letting go of his thoughts a little and simply projecting his frustration, dissatisfaction and every unhappy feeling in ecstatic movements into the other body, which was strangely uninvolved for how active he was before underneath him while he fucked into him. Over and over again. Faster and faster. Chasing his own climax, as if an orgasm would wash his loneliness and inadequacy out of him. So that the only thing that remained would be the oh so familiar warmth of the other’s body. The smell of his shampoo, the voice of his now slightly pointed moans, which sounded so much more like Hongjoong used to sound before and the cozy feeling of intimacy, wrapped in excitement and hotness, which immersed his whole being, as his moves got sloppier and his own groans messier with every not so well-directed thrust, until he reached his high with a choked moan - buried deep inside his ex partner and fellow member, filling his condom with his cum and with all of his sorrows for a moment too, when he lost the strength in his muscles and collapsed on top of Hongjoong.
It took him a moment of pure bliss to understand what just happened. And that this maybe was not the best idea he ever had in his whole life. And that what felt good until now, began to get clearer and darker at the same time now. With a sound produced deep inside his throat, Seonghwa pulled out and rolled next to the other one on the bed. It was not the most spacious place for lying together like this. But he didn’t find the energy in him to actually do anything else to get them in a better position than that, before carefully rolling the used condom off him, knotting it and throwing it into the nearby rubbish bin without standing up, his arm stretched wide.
Seonghwa needed another moment to realize what just happened… and even more…what didn’t.
“Are you okay?”, he therefore asked, voice a little more hoarse than he liked it to be and his eyes fixated on Hongjoong… or more like what he could see from him, since his face was turned away from him. With one hand he tried to soothingly touch his shoulder, while he asked: “Did you c-”, but got ungracefully interrupted.
“No.”
Seonghwa pulled his hand away, but nonetheless kept talking, feeling bad emotions crawling down his skin, giving him the feeling that he used Hongjoong. And God, maybe he did. “I can help you if you want. What can I do for you?”
“It’s fine, Hwa.”, Hongjoong only responded and with a little groan he turned around to look at him, scanning his face with those unbearably expressive eyes. He loved his eyes….
Maybe he still loved the man, who could see a whole bunch of peoples' futures with them.
Maybe he would never stop loving him.
Seonghwa felt the kiss in his heart, before he felt it on his lips, when Hongjoong pressed nothing more than a peck against his mouth, before he stretched his body a little and stood up.
“You can shower here.”, Seonghwa gave him the opportunity, feeling that his mouth felt all dry. As if the kiss pulled every drop of water out of his body and which used to be a flourishing oasis, turned to a dessert hostile to life.
“It’s fine, Hwa.”, Hongjoong repeated and started to dress again. His clothes would smell bad if he put them on his sweaty body. Seonghwa wanted to warn him. But it wasn’t his place anymore.
“We can do this again sometime.”, he yet tried a third time to get more reactions out of the shorter man, seeming so small in his clothes again. “I’d love to return the favor.” - and hate to be left alone, he added in his mind.
“Please Seonghwa. Let it go.”, Hongjoong finally emphasized. A little bit as if he would like to put an end to this farce. And it felt like a painful stab in his gut, when he put on his final piece of clothes again and ended whatever all of this was with a “See you tomorrow.”, before he disappeared out of his room, out of the dorm and for a slight second Seonghwa felt like it meant he left from his world too.
He had been almost over him. Almost.
The third cruel thing about loneliness was that when you found a thing to fill your void, you were not able to let it go.
~end~