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The winter had just started to sink its claws into the British streets when Merlin meets up with William for the first time. They had met on Grindr and struck up a conversation on the mutual ground of not posting dick-pics as their profiles. William was funny and easy to talk to in a way that Merlin hadn’t found in someone else in a…while. Now, they meet up for the first time after days of chatting and flirting online. Under the awning of the café that holds too many memories. Merlin doesn’t think about his choice too much.
“Hey,” William says, shyly reaching out to hold Merlin’s hand. His fingers are smooth and unblemished with constant twisting of rings.
Merlin smiles back. “Hey. Should, ah, we get some coffee?”
“It is a café,” William agrees, grinning when Merlin huffs an embarrassed chuckle. “Do they serve cake?”
“They have the best chocolate cake. My…well, someone I knew swore by them.” He ignores the look William sends his way as he pushes the door open. The bell twinkles above them as they step through.
Sefa, at the counter, looks up and smiles brightly at Merlin. “Hiya! It’s been so long, Merls.” Then her face fell. Merlin hasn’t come to this café since that day. “You doing good now?”
“I’m fine, Sefa.” He gently nods to William next to him. “Can we get a black coffee, two chocolate cakes and…”
“Oh, a latte. Thanks.”
“Right.” Sefa winks at William. She gives Merlin a smile that speaks for how happy she is to see him move on. “Enjoy your date.”
“Thanks.” Merlin takes the cakes and William goes to find a seat. Before Sefa can grill him more about his feelings, Merlin ducks away to join his date.
William’s hair, black and sleek, falls in waves over his forehead. His eyes are a gentle green and lips a pouty red. A foreign language accents his English but his voice curled deliciously in Merlin’s ear. He was playful and had the driest sense of humour yet wasn’t snarky. Under the sunlight streaming through the window of the café, William looked beautiful. His smile knocking against Merlin’s heart.
“You look good today,” Merlin said, eyes tracing the blue turtleneck that complemented his brown skin beautifully. “I didn’t expect doctors to be so fashionable.”
“Oi, what does that mean?” William grinned, rolling his eyes in mock offence. “I may be a doctor but I’m the hottest in the hospital.”
“Many dates lined up, hm?” Smile tilting in the way Merlin has been told before was irresistible, he lowers his voice and says, “You must get asked out a lot.”
Playing along, William leaned closer. His eyes darting to Merlin’s lips before meeting his eyes in a gaze so intense, it sets something inside him on a slow roast. “I do. But I never accepted it.”
“Why?”
“I’m here now, aren’t I?” William smirked at the obvious blush on Merlin’s pale skin. “You’re fun to tease.”
Huffing, Merlin moves back. hiding his smile when William slides their feet together, locks their fingers together and tilts his head. Merlin feels like the centre of someone’s world again and it hurts. Breathing through the pressure building in his chest, Merlin forces himself to converse. He likes William. Wants to see him again, take him to bed and wake up to him. Goddamn-it, he deserves to feel happy again.
But he looks outside the window and sees himself outside, kissing a man he knows as well as breathing. Arthur’s hands gentle on his face and Merlin’s smile so wide, it stretches over Thames. Merlin aches.
They were young when they met each other. Fresh out of school and starting university. Same dorm, same classes. Arthur a magnet and Merlin the very pliable metal. Young and gay and in London. It was so very easy to love, so very easy to think that the time they had with each other would never end. Merlin had loved hard and fast, falling deeper and deeper with every cheesy poem Arthur wrote for him and every night they spent in bed, not sleeping and talking about the latest philosophy they learned in their class. Arthur looked at him as if he was the answer to everything, the missing piece in his messy life. It was so very hard not to love him.
But then time sped past them and they drifted apart. Love became painful. Arthur had gotten a job and Merlin had started working in the library. They barely met, barely talked, barely kissed or had sex. It was like they never even knew each other some days. But Merlin loved him still and knew Arthur did too. With every call, their words rounded with affection, the wound would gape wider but neither took an effort to close it. Merlin should have known something was up, he was just too busy to notice.
That was when Arthur learned he had something wrong with his heart. He always had a weak heart. Would get chest pains often but he’d brushed it off or would need to breathe when he ran just a bit too fast. It wasn’t a big deal, he said, grin sunny even as he bent over his knees trying to breathe, just something hereditary. Merlin had believed him, in his foolishness, because Arthur was a fit bloke, he went to gym and drank water. It could have just been too much caffeine consumed during exam seasons and too little healthy food when their dorm fridge wasn’t stocked.
They met up on a weekend. Merlin had felt all the buried love rise up him like a tide even when grief filled every single pore in his body at the sight. Arthur looked too gaunt, too tired and his golden hair had turned a muted yellow.
“I’m dying,” Arthur said with a bright grin that juxtaposed on his pale visage. “And all I wanted was to see you.”
William made them scrambled eggs with dry toast and beans. The morning was soggy and cold and Merlin did not want to leave the very comfortable bed that William owned. It took William coming to pepper kisses on his face and tickle him awake before Merlin got up.
“When’s work?” William asked, his cheeks adorably puffed with food. “I have to leave in ten minutes. You can stay as long as you like.” He waves his fork around, smiling.
“My shift at the library starts in half an hour.” Merlin shrugged apologetically. “I’ll leave with you. You’re taking the subway, right?”
“Yup.”
They ate their breakfast in silence. It was comfortable and Merlin smiled at the teasing touches William left him with before going to change. Bones aching under his skin, Merlin sipped at the coffee. His mind wandered to the weather and thought about how Arthur had hated this climate. He would always wear a beanie and whine about his ears being cold until Merlin kissed him to shut up, knowing well it was just a ploy to get extra kisses. Yearning slipped around his heart. Tight as a fist before battle.
“Merlin?”
Jerking away from his thoughts, Merlin smiled at William. “Sorry, what?”
“I said, were you going to dress up or were you coming in underwear. I don’t mind either, but I think it’ll be too cold for the latter.” William chuckled at Merlin’s huff. “Hurry, go change.”
“Fine, mom.”
“That’s weird.” William rolled his eyes when Merlin bestowed a cheeky grin upon him. He swatted Merlin’s butt lightly. “Go already.”
The subway ride was filled with quiet chatter and Merlin played with William’s fingers as he talked about his patients, children from varying ages, who had all managed to cry or throw up on him at least once. It was gross but he made it sound funny. Merlin hadn’t laughed so much in a while, it felt weird. The pain growing in his stomach and winding his breath. Joy was foreign after so long of not feeling it.
William got off before Merlin who rode the train till the last stop. He watched the people, some half asleep and others wide awake. People doing people things. A teenager was reading Kafka opposite him, their eyes bright with intrigue while another older lady, whose name was probably Karen, was calling someone loudly. A couple, two girls, were giggling, arms around each other and wobbling every time the train rattled. Merlin looked away to see a man at the end of the compartment. Leaning against partition and looking back at Merlin.
He had the golden hair from the first time they met. Eyes blue and not sunk into his skull from the days of hospitalisation that was never really useful in sustaining his life. Arthur was wearing his favourite red scarf and Burberry coat. Merlin got up from his seat and went over but by then Arthur was gone and his stop had reached. He tucked away the welling loss into his pocket and got off.
As was their weekly ritual, Merlin expected Morgana to be at the library already. Looking for Merlin over her Agatha Christie as she lazily flipped through the pages, waiting for him to join her. It was her idea of keeping Arthur’s memory alive—by torturing Merlin with it. He knew that she blamed him. For not knowing about it soon, for letting Arthur keep his illness from his sister and father, for letting him go when he needed it the most.
Most of all, she hated that it was Merlin who Arthur had for in the last moments of his good health even though all of them at his death-bed.
So, it was a pleasant surprise when Merlin did not find Morgana in the library. He sighed in relief when he checked in. Signed good morning to the senior librarian and asked her about Morgana. She signed, her fingers almost flying and almost blurring under her excitement, that a man had come looking for him and was waiting at the lounge. The relief fled him when he realised who it was.
Uther Pendragon looked up when Merlin drew closer. Age wrought his face with deep lines and he looked tired. But Merlin knew that the loss of his son was harder on him than anyone else. When Merlin had been with Arthur, he had met the man only a few times. Arthur had a fraught relationship with his father extenuated by Arthur’s sexuality. Uther hadn’t been outright hostile but he had never been happy to see Merlin. That was why it was so weird to have Uther Pendragon smile at Merlin.
“Where’s Morgana?” he asked, wary.
“I figured out she was coming every week to meet—”
“—torture—”
“—you.” Uther’s brows raised. “She is facing a terrible time realising her little brother is not alive anymore.”
“It has been a four months.”
“He was family, Merlin. It will take time.”
He was my family too. Uther didn’t need to know that. “Right. Why are you here?”
“I just…wanted to apologise.” Uther’s face crumbled into a bitter smile. “Arthur would not have wanted me to be unkind to you.”
Merlin looks to the side and finds Arthur, his figure young and boyish like the childhood photos Merlin had been shown and cooed over. Eyes distant as he looked at his father and fingers curling into his palm. He says, “Fine.”
“I’m sorry for being mean to you and Arthur because of your relationship. Now that I’ve lost my son, I realise that I’d just rather have him by my side than be petty over who he loved.” Grief lay naked over Uther’s skin, his hands shaking before he knotted them together. “Merlin…I hope you won’t be a stranger to us.”
“I…” He swallowed, looking at Arthur again. He was looking back, head shaking, tears streaming down his cheeks in a golden cascade. “I’m sorry. I just want to move on. Please.” His voice cracks and looks away from the dismay on Uther’s face.
“I understand.” Knees creaking, Uther gets up and smiles. He ruffles Merlin’s hair and that—of all things—makes tears form in Merlin’s eyes. “You are a good man, Merlin. I hope you will find someone to love again.”
He thinks of William and wonders if that was happiness. Wonders if happiness will ever be that effervescent and effortless again. “Thank you.”
“Morgana and I won’t disturb you anymore.” Uther hesitates as if he wants to say something but he shakes his head and then moves past Merlin with a wave goodbye.
Merlin watches the retreating back for a moment, brushes away the tears on his cheeks and looks at Arthur again. He is sitting in a hospital gown, eyes lacklustre but grin valiantly hopeful. One blink and Arthur is gone. Merlin returns to work.
It was well-known among their friend circle that Arthur and Merlin were each other’s first—mostly because Gwaine never stopped making dirty jokes whenever they so much as held hands. Even though it was taken in all fun and games, Merlin remembers that evening as if he was looking through a snow-globe to watch it all play out. Most of all, he recalls the stark wonder, the easing pain of cramped muscles and the burning pleasure of it all that seemed to stretch an eternity even though it had lasted less than ten minutes.
They had sex for the first time in Arthur’s room at the dorm that they were basically just cohabiting since they started dating. Their other roommates were gone for some frat party that Merlin wasn’t invited to so Arthur didn’t go either. Having started with kissing while watching a movie had devolved into a rather handsy experience that ended up both of them naked.
The sun had started to set and Arthur’s shoulder had been a particular shade of golden, his hair dark under the shadows and blindingly bright where the light caught it. His smile easing the slow roast of panic and insecurity in Merlin as his hands were guided and legs parted. He can clearly see, even now, how Arthur’s neck had gracefully arched, pushing into the pillow and his eyes watering with pain and pleasure even when Merlin tried his best to stretch him. Can feel the phantom pressure on his hand and thigh from where Arthur had grabbed him as he adjusted to the newness of two bodies colliding together in a mess of hormones and stark affection. Between Arthur’s eyes opening and his mouth grinning his consent to move and the loud, unashamed moan as he came, Merlin had fallen in love.
Everyone talks about sex but rarely do they talk about what happens after. The terrible mess of tying a condom, the sweat cooling on skin and the smell that hangs around them. Merlin breathed it all in and curled into Arthur, seeking comfort and assurance that no one was hurt. He found that he preferred this over sex. The gentle running of fingers over his body hair, the kisses to his acne scars, the strong arms around his waist. Arthur’s voice soft and susurrus in his ears, his scent pooling in the hollow of his collarbones.
Sex got better as the years passed and their bodies learned from each other but Merlin kept going back to those sunset drenched moments. The memories lingering and reminding him of how far they’ve come every time they tumbled into bed.
Now, Merlin felt William curl behind him and thought of Arthur’s touch. Guilt suffused him. Why can’t he just move on already? He glared at the figure standing at the side of the bed.
Arthur was wearing the same orange shirt from that day with a stain from whatever drink had spilled on his shirt when Merlin kissed him. His hair was tousled and lips kiss roughened. Looking as gorgeous and delectable as Merlin remembered him then. Sunset touched his hair in golden highlights even in the darkness of William’s bedroom. Merlin wondered if he would smell like orange soda the way he had then. The thought filled him with yearning even as his nose took in the cocoa-butter scent of William’s body lotion.
“Don’t give up on him,” Arthur said, smiling at Merlin’s frown.
“I’m not the peeping tom here.” Merlin sighed at the unashamed grin on Arthur’s face, fond despite himself. “You are not the one being haunted.”
“Haunted might be a strong word.”
Merlin snorts and freezes when William shifts behind him, the arm across his stomach tightening once before relaxing. A minute passes before William continues his light snores. Arthur’s mouth parts in a grin, his eyes scrunching adorably and Merlin continues to fucking ache with so much desire to hold that face between his palm and pretend that he had the entire world at his mercy—Goddamn-it, Merlin!
Shaking his head, Merlin blinked at Arthur’s gentle smile. Give him a chance, Merlin. What could he reply to that? Sighing, he turned into William’s hold and pretended that his heart was not creaking within his chest.
Truth was, Merlin had fallen into the habit of loving Arthur. Even when they fought or had grown apart, loving Arthur was something that Merlin just did. Like picking up milk at the shop or holding the door open for an older person. Loving Arthur was easy. That was why seeing Arthur sick and dying hurt so much. It had been like someone reaching into the gaping flesh of Merlin’s body and taking away his organs, one by one, embalming him with grief and burying him alive.
The last night of Arthur’s life was meant to be spent within the blank walls of London’s top hospital. But of course, Arthur wanted to see the stars. Merlin, afraid that Arthur would just keel over with the extra stress on his heart from walking, had protested. But Arthur had looked at him with bright blue eyes that reminded him of the day they first kissed and Merlin’s protest had dried up.
They found themselves in the terrace of the hospital at two in the morning. The night sky was burnished with stars defying London’s pollution to shine for Arthur. He leant against Merlin, panting with the effort of climbing the stairs and eyes shining with tears.
“I had a happy life, Merlin,” he said, nuzzling Merlin’s shoulder.
Tears sprang to his eyes as Merlin pulled Arthur close. Wondering what bad he had done in his life to have his forever with Arthur cut so brutally short. “Why are you saying this now? You’re going to be fine.”
Arthur laughed. The sound croaky and rough but having the traces of his usual effervescence. That, out of all things, would be the one haunting Merlin the most. He knew it. “My love, why must you lie to yourself?”
Sighing, Merlin turned to kiss Arthur’s forehead. It was cold and clammy under his lips. “Why must you hurt me?”
Silence filled the minute it took Arthur to answer. His face turned towards the sky even as his body seemed to valiantly try and fuse with Merlin’s. So close yet slipping away from Merlin’s capacity to hold him to Earth.
“I have had a happy life, Merlin. These past few years being the happiest.” He swallowed, looking at Merlin with pale lips that turned blue in the faint light of the streetlights and stars, and smiled. “Thank you. For making me happy.”
A sob caught in his chest as Merlin squeezed Arthur to his chest, soaking his cardigan with tears. “Arthur. I love you,” he cried, hating how cruel Arthur was being to him. Taking away his heart to a grave that Merlin can’t follow. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Arthur sighed, patting his hair with thin fingers and pressing dry kisses to his ears. “I’m sorry for hurting you, Merlin. But I’m selfish. I want you to be with me for this.”
“I will. I promise.”
Humming a nameless tune as he rocks them lightly, Arthur waits till Merlin’s sobs come down. Tears continue to soak through Arthur’s clothes but he doesn’t say anything, humming from lullabies to pop songs to concertos that Merlin introduced him to. His hold was fragile and warm around Merlin, heart beating irregular against Merlin’s chest in weak thumps. They both knew the end was closer than either of them anticipated.
The sun had started to come up as time passed in silence. Two bodies twined in the chill and fending off death. Arthur broke the silence as the first rays fell on him, putting him on fire but not seeming to warm him up.
“Merlin, I want you to be happy.”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t let me hold you back. I know you. Don’t be guilty, okay? Just let yourself be happy.” Arthur glared at him. “I will haunt you until you are happy.” Until you move on.
Merlin laughed shakily. “If you’re haunting me, then I won’t complain.”
Shaking his head, Arthur grabbed his hand. The grip was so weak, Merlin was worried. He was suggesting that they go back down when Arthur said, “Please. Promise me.” Then he started gasping, his hand grabbing his chest and face screwing up with pain. Merlin started panicking.
Within a moment and next, time blurring with panic and fear and utter hopelessness, Merlin had carried a too-light Arthur down the stairs and into the hands of a reprimanding nurse. It felt like he was going through a panic attack but when Merlin came to it, his breathing harsh in his ears and thoughts a whirlwind that finally settles to a whisper at the back of his mind, Morgana and Uther were there, her hand in his.
The doctor comes and says Arthur is stable for now but he takes Uther apart and says something. For the first and last time, Merlin sees Uther Pendragon cry.
“Say your goodbyes now,” Uther says once he has collected himself and rejoins them. The doctor a sombre shadow behind him. “He won’t be for long.”
Morgana breaks down first. Merlin is just too numb. He goes first and sees Arthur, pale and withering away, smile brave and bright. They hold hands, Arthur thanks him and Merlin can’t say anything but he kisses each finger of both hands, kisses his lips and tastes the bitterness of death. Arthur says, “Promise me, Merlin.”
“I promise, Arthur.” That was Merlin’s last words to him. Then Uther and Morgana come in, both wearing smiles as if their eyes weren’t red and their hands weren’t shaking. Merlin leaves the family alone, a thousand words trapped in the cage of terrible, swirling emotions.
He takes a walk around the hospital and sits in the park for a while. Whispers scatter in his mind but they never take a solid form. His heart beats wildly in his chest and he can’t feel his fingers even when his lips throb with the final taste of Arthur. A pregnant dog and her owner walk by and Merlin thinks of how they had plans of getting dogs in a place of their own, of marriage and children. Thinks how that is not a dream possible anymore.
When he returns to the hospital, Morgana is on the floor outside Arthur’s room, Uther stoic next to her. Arthur had passed away. The world tilts and never seems to sit right again.
Merlin’s flat is filled with the rhythm of conversation in the first time in five months. Lance and Gwen along with Elyan, Leon and Gwaine had taken it upon themselves to come to his apartment and celebrate Arthur’s birthday. They had started with cake that all of them took turns cutting and blown out the candles together. Morgana hadn’t accepted the invitation but then again, they’d not expected her to. She did send them flowers.
Eating cake on the couch, Merlin tried to push words past his lips. His throat was dry, however. Every story that his friends recalled, every absent affectionate gesture that passed between Gwen and Lancelot—it was getting too much. Arthur’s figure was sitting next to Merlin, looking at the cake with forlorn eyes and a pout. He reached for the cake but his hand passed through and Merlin looked away.
“Remember when he was dared to deep-throat a banana?” Gwaine says, obviously picking the raunchiest of the memories.
Despite himself, Merlin found himself chuckling. “He said it was nothing. That he’d seen more intimidating pricks in his life.”
“We all know whose he was talking about,” Gwaine said, raising his eyes in filthy wiggles. “Too bad you already have a boyfriend, otherwise I’d have asked for a demo.”
“Ugh, Gwaine! Shut up!” Elyan howled, throwing a pillow at him.
Merlin laughed again, his eyes watering. He didn’t miss the relieved look on the others face but for the first time in the past five months since Arthur’s death, Merlin felt like he was truly beginning to move on. Shoulders lightening and chest unclenching.
As the night progresses and they get closer to drunk, Gwen cries. Arthur curls around her, his eyes shedding diamond tears that slide off her hair. Lance murmurs soothing words, one arm around her and the other around Merlin who stares listlessly through his window. Leon was saying one of their favourite stories of Arthur. About how he had been scolded for leading a student protest against trans discrimination in their college, only to protest against the principle until she was impeached. They all had been there, seen the future of change Arthur could bring and perhaps all loved him the most then. Only to realise that Arthur could never achieve that greatness now. Merlin felt hollowed out but he didn’t cry.
He was just glad that he’d met Arthur. Had loved him and been loved by him. For now, he had to make do with that. In another life, in other circumstances, Merlin will find Arthur again and ensure they will get their happy ending.
In the morning, Leon finds Merlin and helps him clean the flat. Leon, Arthur’s best friend, had taken the news better than all of them. Merlin saw him break today. On his ratty couch with creaky springs, the two of them sat. Merlin hugging Leon close as he sobbed into his Target hoodie. Two aching hearts, finally healing. Later, they cleaned themselves up and talked. Little nothings and Leon’s partner and how his possible proposal. William and a future of working outside the library. Everything stretched before them like a chessboard, waiting for them to make their move.
“I’m afraid of the future but all I want to do is reach there already,” Merlin says, curling around his tea and smiling at Leon’s chuckle. “What?”
“That’s exactly how I feel.” Leon shrugged. “But honestly, I’ve lost someone I love already. Now that I know the pain of it, I’m more willing to take risks.”
Merlin hummed. “Even if you lose another loved one?”
“Yes. We gotta survive somehow. All this grief? It’ll become a part of us one day and we’ll move on. There will be better things.” Leon sighed. “I know that Arthur would want us to be happy.”
“He’s right,” Arthur said from where he was leaning against Merlin, no warmth emanating from him.
“I know.” Merlin smiled, feeling like he means it. “I won’t give up, you know.”
“You were always the strongest of us, Merlin.” Leon grinned.
“It’s because I have you guys to fall back on. You’d bully me till I’m okay again,” Merlin teases even though he means every word of it. Leon laughs and the world seems to tilt into place.
It has been five months and William doesn’t become a habit. They inhabit the same space, talk to each other, have the occasional bought of lukewarm sex. They have become roommates without even conscious thoughts. Merlin knows that William is on Grindr and knows that William is aware of his own profile. Simply bids time for who will break it first. Merlin has already started packing up the things he’d brought with him to William’s flat when they moved in together last month.
Merlin doesn’t even remember when the last time they had dinner together, had talked about a new topic. It wasn’t that he didn’t like William. They had loved each other for a passionate month before it settled into the lukewarm affection they shared now. Friendship was more accurate to their relationship now. But he wasn’t really disappointed. In fact, Merlin was happy. Truly happy.
Arthur sits on his bed and watches him zip up the suitcase.
“You were meant to be happy,” Arthur seems to say with his arched brows and unhappy frown.
“Happiness is not like the novels, Arthur.” Merlin sighs. “I am happy with William. Not as lovers but as friends. I’m happy with that. I have our friends and so many others. I’ve got a job and I’ve place of mine own. What more do I need for happiness?”
“Don’t you need love?”
Merlin starts stacking the various stickers and pencils and pens and books from his table into a box. “I already loved, Arthur. You. I loved you. What we had was special. That love is enough to sustain me. If I find it in the future again, I’ll cherish it. For now, I have other loves to focus on.”
“You’re writing a book?” Arthur smiled. He got up to stand next to Merlin, looking down at the laptop and notebook on the table. He looked at Merlin. “Will you be fine?”
Merlin grinned. “I know I will be.”
Nodding, Arthur looked away and peered out of the window. A pensive look on his face. For the first time, Merlin noted the glow surrounding him. The youth on his cheeks and the way he seemed to be more ethereal than ever. Merlin ached but dared not reach out. Just for a bit more, he wanted Arthur to be here. A few minutes more.
“Who are you talking to?” William’s voice dragged him away from Arthur.
Looking back, Merlin smiled at William. “Just myself.”
William’s eyes took in the packed bags and box. “You’re leaving?”
“Yeah. It’s time.”
“I guess so.” Smiling, William came over and hugged him. Merlin freed one hand to hug back. “Thanks.”
“Yeah. You too.” Pulling back, Merlin kissed his cheek. “I hope you find your forever, William.”
“I hope you do, too.”
Merlin shrugged. He took the box and the suitcase. William tailed him till the front door. Rejecting the ride, Merlin said his final goodbyes. Arthur stood with William, his smile bright and eyes gentle. His confusion melted away when the door closed and Arthur didn’t come with him. For a moment, Merlin allowed himself to feel sad. Let the pain sink into his bones and made peace that the grief and love he felt for Arthur was never really going to leave him.
When he walked back to his car, loaded the trunk with his things and got into his seat to start the engine, Merlin felt that his life had finally resumed. He drove away, leaving behind the ghost of Arthur but keeping the memories locked in his bones.