Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Sometimes Tommy thinks he shouldn’t be here.

He thinks that he should have died in Afghanistan together with Tony. If he would have been just a little faster the bullet would have hit him. He would have been the one dying on sandy ground in a foreign country far from home, choking on his own blood.

He should have died in the fabric and Howie never should have interfered with his impending doom.

He should have died when the building collapsed on top of him in his first week as a firefighter. His former Captain shouldn’t have bothered to send someone in after him. They should have left him in there, barely conscious after his fall three floors down but still aware enough to know that every breath could be his last.

He should have died when his father walked in on him and his first experience with another boy. Because James wasn’t more than that. He was just the boy that confirmed Tommy’s sexuality and then told everyone that Tommy likes boys and fell for his joke. Tommy still remembers the feeling in his chest when he found out it was just a dare for James and not the same life changing experience that it was for him.

He should have died on his way home from school that day.

He should have died when John and Michael caught him on his knees in front of their Sergeant. Or maybe when their Sergeant pushed all the blame onto him, far more scared of possible repercussions for himself than Tommy.

He should have died when his helicopter fell out of the sky because of a sudden mechanical error no one could find proof of ever having happened afterwards.

He should have died when he agreed to fly strangers and old friends that were never truly friends at the end of the day into a hurricane to save their Captain and his wife.

He should have died when he drove his truck off a cliff only to later swear that he swerved to avoid hitting the deer on the road.

He should have died when he swallowed everything he could find in his house, for no particular reason other than realizing that he overstayed his welcome.

He should have died after his third bottle of alcohol.

He should have died when he offered to work on ground support while the sniper was targeting firefighters.

He should have died when he put his father’s gun into his mouth, only to discover that there were no bullets left in it after having pulled the trigger.

Matter of fact is, Tommy should have died a long time ago. He shouldn’t have been given chance after chance to survive time and time again.

He should be dead. Buried six feet deep with a gravestone that hasn’t been cleaned since the day it was put onto the cemetery.

Tommy should not be laying in his bed, staring at the side Evan slept on mere days or maybe weeks ago. He isn’t sure anymore. The days started blending into each other the second he walked into his cold, empty house after ripping out both of their hearts and trampling on them for good measure. To ensure that Evan – no, Buck – would not decide to fight for him.

Not that Buck would, but even if, he wouldn’t deserve it. Even if Tommy didn’t break his heart, Evan was always too good for him. Too settled and comfortable in his life while Tommy was barely hanging on and spending every single second squashing down the ugly voice in his head telling him that his jealousy of his own boyfriend is justified.

It’s not Evan’s fault that he found a family that loves him unconditionally. It’s not his fault that he fell in love with the idea of what Tommy could be. Tommy can’t even accept himself, so he can’t expect Evan to love him. It wouldn’t have been fair to place the pressure of loving someone that seems to have something fundamentally wrong with himself onto Evan.

Evan deserves a good man. One that is comfortable in his own skin and will proudly love him the way Evan deserves to be loved. One that is comfortable with physical touch and doesn’t internally cringe whenever his own boyfriend’s hand moves towards his body. He deserves to be taken on dates that will make everyone in their vicinity jealous. Not the pathetic excuses of dates that Tommy took him on. Especially the ones in Miceli’s that made even Tommy believe that curses are real.

But that’s a dangerous territory, he vaguely remembers a therapist telling him so years ago during one of his many mandated sessions. He doesn’t remember what was going through his mind that day but he does remember opening up and confiding in his therapist. He remembers telling him that he believes that he might be cursed to spend his entire life alone. Without family, without friends and never receiving genuine love and affection. He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth and his brain caught up with what exactly he just did but it was already too late. His therapist merely assured him that he is not cursed and that the right person will come when he least expects it. He left that session feeling worse than ever before and the feeling only intensified when his Captain benched him the day after.

Sometimes, Tommy muses that that feeling might have never left. It slowly increased until it took over his essence as a person and he was nothing but a shell of the greatest actor his environment will ever encounter.

A playful remark here and a sarcastic joke there and he created the image his co workers grew accustomed to and Evan fell in love with.

They were doomed from the start and Tommy should have let him go. Not cling onto the hope that things could change for him. The delusion that he could be a part of a family and not just the outsider that doesn’t realize that he isn’t welcome.

The ugly voice within him wanted him to believe at the start that things will be different this time around. That he does fit into their already established family and can be a part of their lives. He almost believed it to when Howie invited him to watch movies with him and Bobby invited him to the station for dinners when he was off shift. Or when Hen welcomed him with open arms at her house or when Eddie willingly spent his free time with Tommy. He felt like he could belong when they talked to him, made an attempt to include him in ways that made him feel different than the boyfriend no one likes who for some reason always has to tag along. He was someone they were happy to see.

Until he dumped Buck, of course. Not a single one of them has reached out to him since and he would like to say that he is surprised by this development but he isn’t. The only part he hates about it all is that he wasn’t expecting it too happen so fast but he should have. Things never change for him for the better, only for the worst.

And Evan Buckley’s forced seclusion from his life was just as inevitable as Tommy ending up alone, once again. With nothing but a house that’s too big for one person and materialistic items that will be trashed as soon as he took his someone discovers his rotting corpse. Because his body won’t be found until he’s already decoying and the smell is bad enough that even his neighbours won’t be able to ignore it. In an ideal world they’ll call in for a welfare check because they’re concerned. In this world they’ll call 911 to complain about the abhorrent smell that’s disrupting their peace.

He doesn’t wonder what would happen with his body. Ever since his last living family member, his cousin he rarely talked to died, he knew that his body would be cremated with the corpses of others that couldn’t be identified. His ashes will be mixed with theirs and scattered on a cemetery somewhere with no name plagues. No one will know that he was put to rest there. It will be as if he never existed on this planet, in this or any other time.

Briefly he wonders if Buck would receive a call. He still is his emergency contact after all. The first and only real one he ever had at that as well and isn’t it ironic that he walked away from the first person that could have grown to like him.

He does seem to have a habit of walking away from everything. Hurting others before they can hurt him, because they always do.

The only person he can’t walk away from though is himself. Although, he wishes he could.

Sabotage his own life in the way no one else ever could. Give up any kind of pretence he might have had in his childhood. Squish down the last hope that things could ever take a turn for the better for him and end it all.

Tommy knows that these thoughts should scare him. Should have always scared him, actually. But they never did and that might just be the root of who he is as a person. Destined to give up on himself before others could do it first. Entering dangerous situation after dangerous situation to save others from having to enter them.

Joining the military the first chance he got only to survive it. Becoming a firefighter only to survive it. Transferring to harbour when the risk of being on the ground stopped bringing him closer to death and being careless on his own. Shaky take offs when no one is around to see and rough landings. All just to feel something.

But now he isn’t sure if he even gets to do that anymore. His phone has been dead for god knows how long and no one’s showed up at his door yet. He might still have his job but after being a no show without any explanations, he probably just threw the last good thing down the drain. That just seems to sum him up as a person.

Sudden banging on his door rips Tommy out of his spiral and he groans. He didn’t think the smell was already bad enough to alarm his normally rather avoidant neighbours.

“Kinard! Open the door!” he thinks he hears someone yell but it’s alright. There’s no reason to get up for something that’s nothing but a mere hallucination. No one would ever come for him anyways.

“Tommy!” the knocking intensifies, causing what feels like an oncoming headache.

He’s half tempted to tell whoever is knocking to go away but it wouldn’t make any sense. He’s too far away from the door to be heard and he doesn’t want to start talking to himself now. After all, he hasn’t done that since he ran away from his father.

“Kinard! I’ll kick down your door if you don’t open it.” he yells and Tommy recognizes the voice and sighs.

With the little strength he has left in his body, he gets out of bed for the first time in however long and makes the way to his front door. He abruptly opens it just as the knocking is about to continue and Eddie’s fist almost hits him in the face.

He wishes that it did.

“You look terrible.” Eddie says, pushing Tommy aside to go into the house and close the door behind him. He turns on the light and just stares for a second. He stares at the dishes cluttered in the kitchen and all the trash littering the surfaces in Tommy’s usually very clean house.

“Thank you,” Tommy grumbles, “can you leave now? I’m busy.”

“Busy doing what? Wallowing in self pity?” Eddie asks, grabs Tommy’s arm and pulls him with him to sit him down on the couch.

“None of your business, Edmundo.”

“It is my business, Thomas,” Eddie narrows his eyes at Tommy’s tone of voice, “you look like you haven’t shaved or slept in days. Probably also haven’t seen the inside of your shower for a hot minute.”

“Get out.”

“No.” Eddie tells him.

He leaves Tommy sitting on the couch and quickly makes his way towards the bedroom to pick out fresh clothes for Tommy. He isn’t surprised to see the mess in the room. However, he is surprised to see that one side of the bed is clean and empty. There are no water bottles or tissues that can be found everywhere else in the room. It’s weird to put it nicely and unsettling to be honest.

Instead of further pondering on the thought, Eddie quickly makes his way back to the living room to ensure that Tommy is still where he left him. And maybe to make sure that Tommy didn’t hurt himself in the two minutes he was gone, but that’s no one’s but his business. At least for now.

“I should have come sooner.”

“You shouldn’t be here at all.”

“Tommy,” he sighs, “I should have come here sooner. I should have come here the second Buck showed up at my door. Beat some sense into you or whatever. Or maybe I should have come the day after, but the point is, I definitely should have come before you turned your house into the neighbourhood’s new garbage disposal.”

“Leave.” Tommy grumbles, leaning back into his couch. He’s half tempted to cross his arms to really get his disdain for the situation across but even he can admit that that might be too much.

“No.”

“Eddie, leave.”

“Not until you take a shower.”

“Fuck off.”

“I won’t.”

“I don’t want you here.”

“Tough luck.” he tells Tommy, throwing the clothes he picked out for him at him. Tommy pushes them off of his lap, no interest in even looking at them.

“Get out of my house, Diaz.”

“I won’t. Now get up, take a shower and then we’ll talk some more. I’ll start cleaning up around here.” Eddie says and Tommy makes no move to get up and do so.

“If you don’t do it on your own, I will drag you into the shower and wash your body myself.”

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“Try me.” Eddie shrugs his shoulders, grabs Tommy’s wrist and pulls him up off the couch and into the bathroom with him.

“You can either go ahead and undress yourself now and take that long overdue shower or I will undress you and push you into the shower.”

“Fuck off, Diaz.” Tommy pushes him and Eddie doesn’t even falter.

“You used to be stronger.” he says and returns the favour by pushing Tommy into the shower, with his clothes on. Before Tommy can react he turns on the shower and quickly takes a step back to avoid getting soaked together with Tommy.

“Fuck you.” Tommy grumbles and reluctantly takes off his clothes in front of Evan’s best friends, who at least has the decency to turn around and face away from his body. A small victory today, if nothing else at least.

“I think I’ll just wait for you to finish your shower right here.” Eddie says, moving to pick up dirty clothes off the floor and throwing them onto piles in front of the washing machine.

He continues to clean while Tommy showers behind him and Tommy wishes he could just disappear. He wishes he could be sucked into the drain and no longer be forced to be here, forced to experience one of Buck’s friends once again pretending to care about him.

Chapter Text

Tommy reluctantly finishes his long overdue shower while Eddie puts the first load of his clothes into the washing machine and turns it on. He watches as Eddie, with his back still turned towards him, begins to roughly clean the surfaces in the bathroom and throws what seems to be the only clean towel on top of Tommy’s fresh clothes. Tommy has half a mind to tell him to just fuck off already and to stop pretending as if he cares but he knows that it would just fall on deaf ears. 

Instead, he gets out of the shower and picks up the towel. He quickly dries himself off and puts the clothes on. Once he’s dressed, Eddie turns around to look at him and hands him his toothbrush with toothpaste already on it. He takes it and starts brushing his teeth, all while glaring at Eddie. Maybe the pure hatred he’s conveying through his eyes could be enough to show Eddie just how much he despises his presence but based on Eddie’s expression he simply doesn’t care.

Tommy wishes he could somehow make him care, though. It can’t be that hard to make Eddie see what he sees whenever he dares to look in the mirror. They’ve spent enough time together that Eddie should be aware just how selfish Tommy is. After all, he walked away from the greatest thing he’s ever had based on a fear that he had no evidence of ever coming true. That’s the epitome of selfishness in his eyes.

He tried to protect himself from something that hadn’t even happened and managed to destroy the best thing that ever happened to him in the process. It’s so typical of him that he’s not even fazed or surprised by it. He’s always known that this is what he was like. He just wished that he hadn’t forgotten it for a while. He could have prevented Buck’s involvement in it, but at least he ended it before he fully dragged Buck down into the abyss with him. It will count for something, one day.

“When you’re done here I’m driving you to Buck’s.” Eddie tells him as Tommy spits the toothpaste out. Tommy glares at him through the mirror and vehemently shakes his head. “No.”

“Listen, I don’t exactly care if you want to go there or not. I’m going to take you there regardless and you two will be having a conversation with each other. Even if I have to lock both of you in the bathroom, because you both will be talking with each other.” 

“No.”

“Yes.” Eddie rolls his eyes and grips Tommy’s upper arm. He pulls him out of the bathroom and back into the hallway. Tommy tries to make his way back into his bedroom but the grip only tightens. It’s annoying and he despises every second of it. He wishes that he could punch Eddie in the face and force him to leave. If the state of his house isn’t enough to knock some sense into Diaz, surely a hit to the head will work.

“No.” He argues and kicks out with his leg. Eddie looks at him, utterly unimpressed by the kick. It was worth a try, though.

“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie snaps, “you’re both absolutely miserable. You look like you haven’t seen the outside of your house in a month and Buck is single-handedly causing a flour shortage in the greater Los Angeles area. You will talk with him, even if it’s just out of the good will of your own heart for the bakeries across LA. This conversation will happen.”

“No.”

“I’ll drag you there.” He threatens, as if it scares Tommy.

The truth is, Tommy doesn’t care. He knows that he won’t leave his house and he knows that Eddie can’t make him. He’s already said everything that needed to be said to Buck. There’s no need to repeat anything. His feelings are still the same, as is his outlook on their former relationship. Nothing will be able to change his mind on that.

He’s learned throughout his life that some people are just bound to be alone. Not for any particular reason, it’s just what happens. Friends stop talking to them, family members die and suddenly they’re on their own without ever having realized it. Tommy is one of these people. There’s no future for him that he can share with someone else. It will always just be him and the sooner everyone around him understands it, the better it will be for everybody in the long run. There’s no reason to drag on the inevitable and Tommy has already burned all the bridges. There’s no turning back now and no making up.

“You can try,” Tommy shrugs, “but I won’t leave my house. I already said everything that needed to be said.”

“Everything?” Eddie humorlessly laughs, “Based on what I heard from Buck, which frankly wasn’t a lot, you didn’t say anything. Nothing but some bullshit excuse as to why this won’t work. It sounded absolutely ridiculous and I’m sure it was even more pathetic in person than Buck was able to convey.”

“Why are you even here? You’re clearly his friend.” Tommy accuses him, desperate to anger Eddie enough for him to abandon this stupid plan and to just get out of his house. He’s not done wallowing in his bed yet and he needs some more time before he can even consider joining the outside world again.

“I’m your friend as well.” Diaz argues, defensively. 

It’s definitely the funniest thing Tommy has heard in a while, he’ll give him that.

“Bullshit,” Tommy laughs outloud, “this is the first time you’ve talked to me since I broke up with Buck. You’re literally in my house just to insult me, which by the way, a simple text could have conveyed all this just as well.”

“You haven’t answered your phone in two days.” Eddie lets him know. He wasn’t aware that it had only been two days. It felt like an eternity since he received the last phone call that wasn’t a scam call. He knows that his days have blended together into one big, never ending day but he wasn’t aware just how little time seemingly has passed. But maybe it was longer. Maybe his phone has been dead for three weeks and Eddie has only noticed it two days ago. Ultimately, he won’t know but it’s not as if it matters. His phone was on the day after the break up and no one had bothered to call him then. In his mind, this little fact is all that counts.

“None of you have called.” Tommy points out and Eddie is momentarily stunned into silence. He was aware that he wasn’t the best friend afterwards, more focused on Buck than Tommy, but surely Chimney at least texted him. Or Hen even, anyone that’s known Tommy longer than him, really.

“I don’t know about the others, but I’m here now and I’m not leaving until you two have fixed this mess. It’s absolute nonsense and I don’t have the patience to deal with this for much longer. Just get in the fucking car.” Eddie settles on telling him, and rips his front door open. In his left hand, he’s holding Tommy’s keys to the house and Tommy despises him with everything that’s in him.

Why can’t they just leave him alone and go back to pretending that he doesn’t exist? He was fine with the way things were before Buck and he’ll get used to it again. And Buck will move on eventually, as well. He’ll find someone that treats him right and Tommy will be nothing but the distant memory of his first relationship with another man. Based on Tommy’s own experiences, a few years down the road he won’t even be anything special anymore. The point is, Buck will be alright eventually. He’ll just need some more time to move on and then Tommy will be all forgotten and free to live in his misery again, for however long he decides to.

“I’ve already told you, I’m not going.” Tommy argues, slowly growing frustrated with the situation. He can feel the tears wanting to build up in his eyes but he simply presses them shut, willing the tears to go away. He doesn’t need to show Eddie even more of his patheticness. 

“Alright,” Eddie shrugs, “If you want to be stubborn.”

Suddenly, Eddie is gripping his wrist and pulling him towards the door. Tommy attempts to dig his feet into the floor  to stay where he is but the lack of movement seems to have caught up with him and it’s nowhere near to a fair fight. Instead, he’s dragged along behind Eddie who unlocks his car and unceremoniously throws Tommy into the backseat. Before Tommy has the chance to get out of the car, Eddie locks it. He watches through the window as Eddie locks his front door and pockets the key before making his way back to his car. The second he unlocks it, Tommy tries to open the door but it won’t budge.

“Child lock.” Eddie grins at him through the rear view mirror and starts the car. He pulls out of Tommy’s driveway all while Tommy is sulking in the backseat.

“Put on your seatbelt.” Eddie admonishes him but Tommy merely flips him off. 

“Your choice.” Eddie shrugs and presses on the brake, harder than necessary so Tommy jolts in the backseat. 

Tommy remains unfazed by this and leaves his seatbelt unbuckled. Eddie merely huffs and continues driving. He’s sure that Eddie knows that opening the back door to buckle the seatbelt himself would be a mistake. Tommy would simply push him over and get out of the car. The spare key is still hidden underneath the loose stone next to his door and the key in Eddie’s pocket doesn’t have anything too important on it. He hasn’t checked the mail in days — or maybe even weeks — anyways.

Tommy still remembers that the drive to Buck’s house takes approximately 15 minutes, depending on the traffic. In the backseat, it somehow feels shorter. If he had any kind of guardian angel that was on his side, Eddie would have crashed the car. Without his seatbelt, Tommy would have had a greater chance at dying. It would have been more favorable than his current reality. Yet instead, he barely has the time to wallow in self pity after internally cussing out Eddie before they pull into the parking lot for Buck’s loft. 

Eddie calmly parks the car and turns it off before getting out and opening Tommy’s door. Tommy tries to bolt past him but Eddie merely grabs his upper arm and holds onto him. He locks the car and unceremoniously drags Tommy along with him to the entrance, then the elevator and all the way to Buck’s door. Tommy sulks the entire way and once again wishes that he could explode Eddie’s head with his mind. All he’s certain of by now is that this is a mistake, and that looks can’t kill. Overall, not a win for him. 

“You will talk to him.” Eddie reprimands him again before pressing the doorbell and waiting for Buck to open the door.

Buck still looks the same. He’s as put together as ever while Tommy knows that even after his shower, he must look like a complete mess. It’s been ages since he shaved and he didn’t even bother with his hair. He definitely looks nowhere near as good as Buck has always looked.

“Eddie?” Buck asks confused when he opens the door and sees his best friend standing there. It takes him a second to notice Tommy. Tommy wishes he hadn’t so he could have just proven to Eddie that this was a terrible idea and ran.

“What?” Buck asks, confused.

“He’s here to talk to you. Isn’t that great?” Eddie grins and pushes Tommy into the loft. Tommy trips over his own feet and the only reason he doesn’t crash straight onto the ground are Buck’s arms.

“Why are you not wearing shoes?” Buck asks, confused, still holding Tommy up. Tommy dislodges Buck’s arms from around himself with all the strength he has left and stands up straight. He purposely takes a step back but Eddie’s standing behind him and simply pushes him forwards, further into the loft.

“What’s going on?” Buck questions Eddie, stepping out of the way to allow his best friend and his ex boyfriend to walk into his kitchen. Well, it’s more like he watches as one of them drags the other inside.

The sight of Tommy in his kitchen again makes him nauseous. It’s been mere weeks since the last time but it feels as if lifetimes have passed since. Tommy certainly looks like it’s been years. 

“He’s here to talk to you.” Eddie repeats, grinning at Buck and pressing Tommy down onto the chair and signaling for him to stay where he is. Tommy wants to tell him that he’s not a dog and that he’s free to walk around, but it wouldn’t be beneficial for him so he chooses to remain silent. Everything he’s been saying has been ignored anyways.

“Yeah, he doesn’t look like he wants to talk to me.” Buck warily tells Eddie. It’s the first sensible thing Tommy has heard someone say in the past few hours. Most likely one of the first things that wasn’t just a lie either. 

It’s beyond him why Buck hasn’t kicked him out yet. He knows that he’s not welcome here. He hasn’t been for weeks and the weird sense of familiarity the loft brings him makes him nauseous. He has no business knowing his way around the place or knowing in which cabinet Buck keeps his favorite cup.

“That doesn’t matter. You two will have a long overdue conversation now while I’m waiting outside.” Eddie explains as if it’s the most sensible thing in the world. Tommy hates him. And the entire situation. He just wants to go home and be miserable in his bed. There’s nothing he’d even be able to tell Buck that hasn’t already been said. This is just a waste of everybody’s time.

“Why are you waiting outside?” Buck asks warily. Tommy can’t find it in himself to blame him. He also would rather not be alone in a room with his ex. It’s just awkward and uncomfortable.

“To make sure that Tommy doesn’t try to run off before talking to you.” Eddie tells him with a grin on his face. Tommy wishes he had the ability to punch him in the face. It wouldn’t change the situation, but it would certainly make him feel better. Which according to Eddie, is the whole point of this mess. If only he knew that there are far easier ways to improve Tommy’s mood.

“Fuck you, Diaz.” Tommy grumbles.

“Whatever you say.” Eddie returns and walks out of the loft. He closes the door behind him and suddenly it’s just Buck and him once again in the kitchen. He hates it. He wants to leave. He needs to leave his ex’s apartment and get back to his own house. He can’t be here.

“Do you want something to drink?” Buck asks, awkwardly scratching his head. Tommy looks up at him. He’s standing opposite him behind the counter and Tommy can see the countertop behind him littered with baked goods. Looks like Eddie wasn’t exaggerating about the flour shortage, he muses.

“Listen,” Tommy begins after an awkward moment of silence, “why don’t we just sit here and wait for Eddie? We can tell him we’ve made up and then I’ll leave and you’ll never have to see me again.”

Buck contemplates it for a moment before shaking his head, “that’s not fair.”

“Yeah, I don’t care that it isn’t fair for Eddie. What really isn’t fair is him dragging me here when I don’t want to be here.” Tommy points out. Buck in turn squints his eyes at him and shakes his head. He is so tired of their situation.

“I’m not talking about Eddie,” Buck huffs, “I’m talking about me. I deserve to have answers. I didn’t deserve for you to break up with me out of nowhere with no explanation.”

“I did explain it to you.” Tommy needlessly tells him. He can tell that it’s not what Buck wants to hear, but it’s the truth. He said everything that needed to be said already and nothing will change that. It’s beyond him that Buck can’t just accept it. Even he had managed to make his peace with it, somehow.

“That was bullshit, Tommy. And you know that. It wasn’t an explanation, just some pitiful excuse to make me feel better. But it didn’t make me feel better, Tommy. It just confused me even more as to why you suddenly decided to leave,” Buck grumps, “if you had an issue, you should have told me and not walk out on me after six months.”

“No. It was an explanation.” Tommy argues. He just wants to leave. He has no interest in the conversation, and Buck isn’t helping their situation at all. If he would just accept the current state of affairs, he could leave and go back to staring at his ceiling. He’s slowly starting to become fed up with this conversation.

“But it wasn’t!” Buck snaps at him. Finally, it’s an emotion Tommy is familiar with. He knows how to handle anger. He’s no longer out of his depths and has the chace to regain the upper hand of the situation. He hates that he ever lost this position in the first place, but it can still work out in his favor. As long as he can convince Buck that they’re a terrible idea, at least.

“It was! I told you everything you needed to know. I gave you all the closure you could possibly need to move on. So, let’s sit in silence until I can leave and you can pretend that I never existed.” He argues. 

It feels similar to all the times he argued with his father or former partners. Say the complete opposite of what they want to hear and continue pushing until their anger overtakes them and they no longer care. It shouldn’t be too hard to do so, even with Buck who’s seemingly calmed down a lot.

“I don’t want to pretend that you never existed, Tommy. I love you. I want a future with you and I deserved better than what I got from you.” Buck argues and throws Tommy right back into the deep end. 

Tommy feels as if he’s drowning. He hasn’t felt that way in a while, but suddenly it’s as if he can’t breathe. He’s not familiar with this. He hates it. He needs the anger and the inevitable escalation of the situation. He needs Buck to want to give up on him and allow him to walk out of here. He needs the peace of knowing that he’s ruined this beyond repair and that there’s no chance of a reconciliation. But Buck is making this feel as if it’s not an option with his love stricken gaze and false words.

“And that’s the mistake.” Tommy disinterestedly tells him. He needs to continue pushing Buck until he gets to leave the situation. He can’t handle another option.

“What is?” Buck asks instead, sitting down next to him. He goes as far as attempting to take Tommy’s hand into his own but Tommy immediately pulls his hand back. This is not what he wants or what they need. This is the complete opposite of a clean cut.

“Wanting a future with me,” Tommy humorlessly laughs, “there is no future for me. There is no future for us.”

“Of course there is a future for us. We can have a future together, Tommy, you just need to trust me.” Buck argues. Tommy can hear the desperation seep into his voice. It’s ironic, in a way. Weeks ago, Tommy would have bent over backwards to prevent Buck from ever feeling as if he needs to use that tone of voice. As if he needs to beg Tommy for what should be the bare minimum. But they’re in the here and now, in which Tommy gets a twisted sense of satisfaction at knowing that he pushed Buck away. 

The proof of having succeeded, just spurs him on further. It only needs a little more before even Buck can’t ignore that Tommy is far too damaged. That Tommy is far beyond any possible consideration that this could be saved. Or even more laughable, that this might be worth it all in the end. Tommy cruelly laughs, “No. There’s no future for us.”

“There can be one for us, if you allow it to happen.” Buck almost begs, reaching his hand out again. Tommy turns away.

“No. I’m bound to be alone. I’m sorry that I dragged you along with me for six months. That wasn’t fair to you, but I set you free, Buck. It’s on you to take the chance I gave you and to move on to far better things.” He states. In the back of his mind, he still remembers a time where this – simply walking away – was the best thing he could do for the other. But Buck just has to be stubborn about it and refuse to accept that this is what’s best for him. It might not be what’s best for Tommy, but that doesn’t matter in the bigger picture.

This is all to protect Buck from the evident heartbreak he’ll suffer if Tommy doesn’t walk away. He knows that despite how much a part of him wants it, he will never be Buck’s last. All he’ll ever be is his first and that'll mean nothing a few years down the road.

“What if I don’t want better?”

“Then you’re an idiot.” Tommy shrugs, helpless with the situation.

“Maybe I am. But I’d rather be an idiot that’s in love with you and by your side than be on my own and spend my whole life wondering what could have been.” Buck explains and the hopeful look on his face does nothing but to make Tommy feel as if he’s about to throw everything back up. He’s not even sure if there is anything in him to throw up, but the sentiment remains.

“Don’t you understand that this is your problem? There’s no wondering what could have been. We don’t have a future together. I’m not meant to share my life with someone else. I’m bound to be alone and you need to accept this.” Tommy explains as his voice cracks. He hates this. He’s not supposed to appear as if he cares. He needs to be the cold hearted, selfish bastard that thinks about no one but himself. He can’t have Buck believe that he cares. Tommy is losing control over the situation quicker than he could possibly regain it.

“Why did you text me then?” Buck asks, triumphally. As if this is the card that will turn the deck. And not just a last desperate attempt to reconnect.

“What?” He asks, finally completely out of his depth.

Tommy remembers opening the chat and typing word after word but always deleting it before he could convince himself that he should send the text. It was apology after apology, desperate begging for Buck to take him back and all the things in between that Tommy would never dare to say outloud. Even less in their current situation.

“I saw it. I had our chat open and I saw you text me. Several times,” Buck tells him, “if we don’t have a future together, why did you do that?”

“Because I have trouble letting go of the past, Buck,” Tommy nonchalantly says, as if he’s talking about the weather and not what’s starting to feel like one of the biggest mistakes of his life, “It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I don’t believe that.” Buck decides, as if it means anything. As if his beliefs could be enough to change Tommy’s mind. A small part of Tommy – one he’s buried a long time ago and vowed to never let back out – is satisfied. Despite what the future may hold, Tommy has left his mark. He won’t be forgotten. He can’t be forgotten. 

It’s all he’s ever wanted before his death.

“Like I said, you’re an idiot then.”

“And like I said, I’m alright being an idiot if it means being with you.” Buck argues. This time, Tommy isn’t fast enough and Buck manages to take his hand. He squeezes it three times. Tommy wants to punch him in the face.

“But you can’t be with me.” Tommy desperately explains, willing Buck to just understand it and allow him to leave. Or kick him out if it’ll make moving on easier. Anything to escape the inevitable mess they’re talking themselves into.

“Why?”

“Don’t make me say it.” Tommy doesn’t beg, but it’s close to it. If he was anyone else, it’d be called begging. But Kinard men don’t beg. His father made sure to drive that lesson across a long time ago. But Kinard men also don’t kiss other men, and yet here he is. It’s a difficult and confusing thread to walk on.

“No, Tommy. Tell me. Explain to me why I can’t be with you when you clearly still want me to be. Explain to me why you believe that you get to make this decision for me.”

“You can’t be with me. I’d just drag you down with me.”

“You won’t.” Buck says with all the righteousness in the world, as if he hasn’t already gotten burnt.

“I will. It’s what I always do. I get attached and drag the other person down with me and they leave. I did you a favor by leaving before it could happen to you.” He explains. He doesn’t mention that he’s obviously already managed to drag Buck down with him. It’s not like he’d hear it anyways. Or even worse, Buck wouldn’t believe him.

“It wouldn’t have happened to me.” Buck tells him and that’s all the confirmation Tommy needs. They’re sitting in his kitchen weeks after the break up, and yet Buck still refuses to acknowledge that it already happened. Tommy already has dragged Buck down with him.

It’s not too late for Buck to move on, though. He has a good support system. In a few weeks, he could be ready for something new and create a life with someone that won’t drag him into dark corners of their mind and leave him hanging in order to protect themselves. Buck simply needs to find someone that isn’t as damaged or selfish as Tommy. One that won’t see the worst possible outcome for their relationship and instead finds joy within it.

“Yes it would. Fuck, it already did. Can you just stop being so stubborn for once and hear what I’m saying instead of merely listening?”

“I do hear what you’re saying, but I know that you’re wrong. And even on the off chance that you aren’t, I make my own choices. I want to be with you. I am choosing to be with you. For better or worse.” Buck says and it’s too much for Tommy. He forcefully pulls his hand back and stands up. He starts walking back and forth in front of the kitchen counter while Buck’s eyes remain on him the entire time. Luckily for Tommy, he doesn’t attempt to say anything else to convince him that this isn’t just a mess far beyond repair or saving.

“Stop making it sound as if we’re married.” Tommy eventually settles on saying.

It’s not what he wants to say, but it’s the safe thing to say. It’ll hopefully stop putting these childish ideas of a future together in Buck’s head, while it continues to rip his heart to shreds. It’s exactly as it should be.

“We could be.”

“Can’t you just stop saying those things?” Tommy snaps, and stops pacing. 

“No. I love you. Pushing me away won’t make me love you any less. I still want a future with you.”

“There is no future with me. You’ll find someone better in a few months.” Tommy sighs. It’s all too much for him. Leaving Buck was supposed to be easy. One hard conversation and then it’d be done. Not another hard conversation weeks later with empty words that manage to put childish ideas into Tommy’s head. He’s doomed. He has been since he walked in here, but he hasn’t begun to understand it until now when he sees the same love sick expression still on Buck’s face.

“Can’t you understand that I don’t want someone else? I want you and everything that comes along with having you.” He says. But Buck doesn’t know all the baggage that comes with Tommy, and Tommy refuses to take him down any further. He’s already gone too far and gotten too close to his rotten heart.

“I’ll only hurt your feelings.”

“As will I. We’re human, Tommy, we are bound to hurt each other at times.” Buck explains, reaching his hand out for Tommy to take. Tommy leaves him hanging and takes a step back from the counter.

“There’s someone better out there for you.” He says, willing Buck to see through his rose colored glasses.

“They can be better for someone else, then. I only want you.” Buck says and stands up. He walks around the counter and stops mere centimeters in front of Tommy. It’s too close, far too close for his liking.

“It’s a mistake.”

“So you’ve said,” Buck points out, “but loving you could never be a mistake. I want you to be my first and my last. I want to stick by your side and not be reduced to a footnote in the story of your life, Tommy. I want to share my life with you.”

“You’d be making a mistake.” He repeats himself, but once again falls onto deaf ears. 

He’s running out of words and ways to explain to his stubborn ex boyfriend that this is all a terrible idea. He’s even run out of things to try. Lying doesn’t work, telling the truth doesn’t work and even being vulnerable didn’t work out for him. But neither does avoidance.

“I wouldn’t. I’ve already spent six months of my life with you and those were some of the happiest moments of my life. I promise you, we can make it work. You just have to be willing to try.”

“I’ll hurt you.” He promises.

“I’m willing to take the risk.” Buck stubbornly says, as if they’re arguing about the weather.

Tommy remains convinced that Buck doesn’t understand just how serious this is. Or perhaps he’s simply choosing to be ignorant. Either way, neither approach will protect Buck from getting burnt again, somewhere down the road they’re driving back onto.

“It won’t work out.”

“We can try to make it work,” Buck says, taking Tommy’s hand into his, “if it doesn’t work out in the end, at least we’ll know and will never have to wonder what could have been.”

“I can’t risk hurting you.” Tommy admits, but doesn’t pull his hand back.

“Please, Tommy. I am willing to take the risk.”

“Buck.” He says. One last desperate attempt to convey everything he’s just said.

“Evan.” Buck corrects him right away. Tommy sighs. This is a bad idea. An absolutely terrible idea and truly, Tommy should have left ages ago but something is still keeping him here. And Tommy already got burnt. If Buck – Evan – is willing to take the risk, maybe it could be worth something. Maybe that something could be enough. 

“I’m terrified.” Tommy admits for the first time in his life. After all, he’s got nothing to lose.

“We can be terrified together.” Evan promises him, and this is a mistake. It will blow up in his face one day and he’ll inevitably get hurt. He doesn’t know if he could survive it. But he knows that Evan could. All that comes out of his mouth is an affirmation.

“Okay?” Evan hopefully asks, smiling at him like a love sick fool.

“Okay.” Tommy assures him and doesn’t pull back when Evan kisses him. He can’t believe that they somehow – against all odds – got here.

Hope has never been enough for him, but life has given him chance after chance. Maybe one last chance won’t hurt him too bad. And even if it does, he’ll always have an escape plan.

Just one last chance.

“Have you two finally made up?” Eddie asks, opening the door and coming back inside.

“Did you spy on us?” Evan asks, pulling back from Tommy’s face. He’s looking at Eddie but Tommy doesn’t dare to face him. He just needs one more moment to bask in before having to face their reality again.

“I believe the proper thing to say is, thank you Eddie.” Eddie righteously tells them.

“Fuck you.” Tommy merely grumbles in return and Evan laughs.

Maybe it could be enough.