Chapter Text
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Chapter 1: In Which Rain is Set Fire
“He’s into Kismessitude,” Nepeta purred at Karkat. They were referring to the all-too attractive troll across the lawn ring. Karkat had never met him, but his name according to Ms. Leijon was Sollux Captor. His long, slender legs were just a hint as to what treasures lie within his pants, and his 3D glasses were nifty as well. He didn’t seem to notice the two of them ogling his audacious body, as he was staring off into the distance at something... or someone... else.
Whoever or whatever it was, Karkat was glad that he was looking that way, because he was pretty shy and didn’t want to get embarrassed by this handsome man noticing his pervy glances. Despite this, he would have done anything to get inside Sollux, at least from a distance. He wasn’t even sure if he was a nice guy... or a naughty guy. But he would find out.
Karkat continued to ogle at the delicious hunk of troll from afar and began to work a sizable sweat in his pulsating bone bulge. Nepeta noticed Karkat mopping up the veritable swamp that had appeared in his groin and was aroused beyond belief at the very thought of Karkat’s privates. She wanted, no, she NEEDED to get inside of him.
“Hey Karkat,” Nepeta purred. “Wanna have a good time?”
“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.”
“Let’s do like the kangaroos do and fuck a lot.”
And so they did. Right out there on the street, Karkat ripped Nepeta’s leg off and started beating her in the head with all of his blind fury.
“Do it mooooore!” Nepeta shrieked, hot with passion like a cat in heat. Much like said cat, Nepeta took out her lighter and set fire to rain. Rain being Karkat’s pants. Their romance was exemplified by this fire, which burned with a flame unlike no other, scorching the shipyards of love, and Karkat’s bone bulge.
“CONKSUNK ME NEPETA, DO IT NOW.”
Nepeta knew what had to be done, and did it. She put her cat mouth (like this :3) up to Karkat’s pants and began loving all over the firey wand that was Karkat’s bone bulge. The flames did not bother her as much as her missing leg, but what mattered most to her was fulfilling the passion between them.
“FASTER,” Karkat yelled as he continued beating Nepeta in the head with her leg. How was he going to get off like this? It seemed like she wasn’t even trying, though the flames may have cut off his nerves. That happened to them sometimes, and it was pretty awkward. In those instances, he usually just punched Nepeta until she blacked out as not to shame himself for being unable to keep his swampy erection going.
Sollux, being the raging sex fiend that he is in all of my fan fics, couldn’t resist the hot deluge of flaming rain, said rain being hot alien yaois. Sollux ran to the flaming pile of grey fucking and heaved his hot bod upon the unsuspecting trolls.
“OH YES. FUCK ME HARDER CAPTOR.” Screamed Karkat, igniting the repressed sexual feelings of Sollux into a flurry of hot alien butt pounding.
And pound butts Sollux did; there was not a single troll ass for miles that Sollux didn’t ravage with his squid-like reproductive organ (it being common knowledge that trolls have cephalopods for dicks...hot, yaoi cephalopods). Though Sollux was very much fulfilled in the respect of ass bangings, he still felt a certain emptiness. The thing that he was staring at was so far away now, and yet it was so close. (He has depth perception problems)
While Sollux was distracted, Karkat backed into his pantless frontside and began back-humping the poor troll’s exhausted bone bulge. He was too pervy to realize that Sollux had fucked too many trolls in this short period of time, and he fell over dead.
Before his death’s finale, Karkat asked him the penultimate question: “WHAT WERE YOU STARING AT BACK LIKE 15 PARAGRAPHS AGO.”
“I was...*cough*....staring... at.... Aradia. She’s over there dancing around the street naked, and I was... watching... *bleh dead*” Karkat cried.
“Hey Karkitty!” Nepeta purred. She was being left out of this beautiful scene of public love, and she needed someone to lift her up anyway seeing as she only had one leg. She already cauterized her wound after she stuck her leg stump into Karkat’s flaming cephalopod, so at least she wouldn’t die from blood loss. Remember, be safe and sane and consensual!
They began making out. Their tongues were like a Katamari ball of insanity and twisted nature; each second they were united was one more thimble added to the collection. Soon, Elebits would be used as a metaphor, as Karkat’s Wii Remote stream grew more and more powerful as it recovered from those sicknasty burns that he received previously.
“HURRY LET’S GO GET ARADIA SO WE CAN HAVE BETTER SEX.” Karkat suddenly shouted. With all of the strength he could muster, he picked up Sollux’s body, as well as Nepeta, and launched them at the naked Troll, who was still dancing on the street corner. Nepeta’s pants, on account of her missing leg, flew off while she was in orbit towards her unclothed target, and I am not sure if trolls are supposed to have undergarmets, though I assume those would fly off too. Right?
Sollux’s body completely missed and went through a window.
Aradia and Nepeta locked eyes as they realized that they were about to impact each other, if you know what I mean. It was a moment like no other, and the Ram and Cat trolls knew they were destined to meet one another. Nepeta collided into Aradia and they both fell to the ground, somehow coincidentally ending up perfectly in the “scissor” position that was common in lesbian sexual intercouse practices during this time period.
Fun Facts: This is a Safe For Work fan fiction, so we will forgo all details about what happens between these two trolls, so instead we will give you some very important facts and statistics:
- Benedict Arnold was a highly decorated officer in the American Army before betraying his country to Great Britain in the Revolutionary War.
- Atlanta, Georgia has an LGBT concentration of 12.8% of the city’s population, according to the 2000 census.
- Titanic was the highest-grossing film of all time until Avatar overtook it in early 2010, 13 years after the movie’s release. Interestingly enough, both movies were directed by James Cameron.
- Calliope, like the Cherub character from the popular videogame “Homestuck”, is pronounced “Cal-Lee-Oh-Pee”, and not “Cal-Lee-Ohp”, as many may think.
- Remember, be safe and sane and consensual!
After several hours, the two were tired of their lesbian experimentation, and beckoned Karkat, whose Wii Remote stream had regrown to full strength, to come and join them. It was always more fun when there was a guy involved, Aradia thought. Though she did enjoy her time with Nepeta, she liked a big strong Adam’s Apple to suck on more often than the suckle cinnamon flavor of a troll woman’s boobies. If only the two could be combined, it would be more succulent than Apple Jacks on a cold winter morning, the frost melted off your face as you experience the warmth of such wonderfully crafted, scent-free joy.
Kanaya came pretty close to this lofty ideal of man-meets woman, but she was too annoying. Her quirk, while nonexistant in dialogue form, plagued the very fiber of Aradia’s being. The only times that her thoughts towards the jade-blood were ridded of the irksome capitalizations that she so loved were when they were eating each other out.
Fefairy was pretty good in bed too, but her peppiness was just a shroud. Her real character had much more depth than anyone could possibly realize, as the toils of being a fish princess and the many fish puns that came with the responsibility had taken quite the toll on her; back when she and Aradia were going steady, they had actually discussed the prospects of a sex change operation. It wasn’t serious though; it was more evident that Fefairy needed to blow some major steam, which they did many a time.
Her alternate universe mother Meenah was too rough for Aradia’s standards, but when she and Aranea were both together, it made for an excellent combination. Speaking of that, she hadn’t hooked up with Vriska in years; she wondered how her old kismesis was doing.
Terezi? Aradia had never really met Terezi, though they had been acquaintances for sweeps. Maybe one day they would get to know each other better, and because, let’s face it- Aradia was such a hardcore lesbian- probably end up fucking all the time. Anyway, who cared about girls, anyway? Guys like that cute Karkat were much more fun...... right....?
Karkat was still standing over on the other side of the street. He had been watching Nepeta and Aradia do the fucky thing for like 4 hours, and it was kind of creepy. Maybe he was waiting for an Official Invitation of Sexiness?
“Karkat, get over here!” Aradia screamed, Scorpion nodding in respect. Though she was able to drag Karkat over, he was tepid, not only because of loss of blood.
“NO, I’M TOO SHY.” Karkat answered.
“Aww, c’mon!” Nepeta repurrlied.
“THE NUMBER YOU ARE DIALING IS NOT AVAILABLE. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE, AFTER THE BEEP.”
Several moments passed. The three stared at each other blankly.
“BEEP.”