Chapter Text
It's getting warmer.
The house wasn’t burning but it was uncomfortably warm. Warm enough to make the smell from the kitchen reach your bedroom.
In the pitch black you could only make out the red numbers of the alarm clock.
You’d been staring at the clock for hours.
It was getting closer to the time you had to get up. Two hours earlier than you used to.
Days ago you tried to fix your sleep schedule. No more naps during the day, go to bed at a reasonable time, and set an alarm.
Everything failed; not being able to sleep when you were supposed to, falling asleep on the couch by accident when watching the news.
Yesterday you accidentally had a six hour nap in the middle of your ‘day’.
Getting back on your old night shift schedule was harder than you anticipated. Chirping filled the quiet house drawing your focus back to the alarm clock. Red numbers flash in your face reminding you of what the day held.
Slapping the snooze button you relished the silence. A dark and quiet house was your safe haven. It was the only place you have been since December. Not leaving your house even once in that time.
Self Isolation is what some called it.
Vacation is what you called it.
Rolling over onto your side facing away from your alarm clock. Your bedroom was pitch black much like the rest of your house. Every curtain in your house was closed. Adding an extra layer of security duck tape lined the edges of the curtains, sealing the curtains flush to the wall. Keeping anything from getting in or out.
Oftentimes leaving you unaware of what time of day it was.
Taking a deep breath you slowly sat up.
Feeling the blanket fall off your body.
Simultaneously feeling everything and nothing at the same time.
Air on your skin, Blanket draped over your lap and bed under you.
Yet the darkness convinced your mind nothing was there.
Using this feeling to your advantage you slip out of bed. Walking with your hands slightly out feeling for the wall. Shuffling to the bathroom in the dark. Flicking on the lights you caught sight of yourself in the mirror.
Greasy hair shined in the bathroom light. Clothes that you had been wearing for day’s were rumpled with stains from the meals you ate. Dark eyebags lined the bottom of each eye. Grease was even clinging to every inch of your face.
Touching your face you caught sight of the dirt under your nails.
A thick layer of dark gunk was stuck under your nails. Picking at the dirt you tried to get it out from under your nails. Noticing that your own nails had grown long. Daring to look down at your feet you saw the same issue with your toe nails.
It was frustrating how dirty you had gotten despite not going anywhere. It’s not like you haven't showered at all since you’ve been on your vacation. Just growing lax with your personal hygiene.
Making it through one hand you gave up. Turning the shower on and making sure the water is hot. Even with the shower running you hesitated for a moment. Watching the spray of the water.
Going back to picking at your nails. Cleaning the dirt out on your other hand. By the time you finished the room had started to warm up. Steam filling the bathroom fogging up the mirror.
There was no way out of this. You needed to get in the shower. You had to clean up for work. Your boss was probably already tired of your bullshit. Two months of your paid time off to get away from work. Though at the start of this you had just called in sick a few days.
Resigned to your fate you stripped down stepping into the shower. It was the warm spray of the water that drew you in completely. Standing under the shower head letting the clean water wash over your body.
Dipping your head under the spray you close your eyes. Warming your body up trying to work up the motivation to wash off. A simple shower was better than no shower.
You start to rub your face. Attempting to wipe the grease off.
Feeling the mix of water and grease coat your fingers. Disgusted with the feeling you grabbed the soap. Slowly the more you washed your body the easier it got to do your full shower routine.
Having to rush through the last part as the water started running cold.
After drying off you went back to the bedroom. Finding yourself laying under the covers again. Daring to look at the clock to see how long you wasted in the bathroom.
An hour had passed since you woke up.
Somehow it felt like time was being compressed. Every moment you took to collect yourself was somehow wasting ten minutes. After half an hour you wiggled out of bed again. Getting dressed in semi clean clothes.
Dragging yourself into the living room.
Trash bags piled up by the front door. Curtains the same as the bedroom. A new front door stood tall and strong blocking the outside world.
In the kitchen the sink overflowed with dishes. Spilling out onto the counter top when you ran out of sink space. The trash can was overflowing with the trash neatly stacked on top.
Opening your fridge looking for breakfast there were a few take out containers, some juice bottles and soda cans. Making a split second decision to grab juice instead of soda. Health and all that jazz.
Opening the freezer next you were met with a wall of frozen dinners. They took up every inch in your freezer. Finding one meal that seemed appealing you wiggle it free from its frozen prison.
Sliding it into the microwave before retrieving a fork from the sink. Cleaning it off as best as you can before grabbing your burning hot meal.
Eating your breakfast in the living room with the TV on the new channel. Watching for any news on …. on…
Biting into a piece of salisbury steak you grimaced at the sudden cold that hit your tongue.
One reheat later you finished your meal. Ready for your first day back at work. Now would be a good time to head to work. Sinking into the couch watching the evening news.
Two news anchors cheerfully delivered news about an expansion to the local air force base. They had the time in the bottom right of the screen. Watching the minutes change as you listen to them drone on and on.
Watching the numbers grew closer and closer to the hard cut off. With great reluctance you turn off the TV grabbing your keys. Hesitating at the front door for a few moments. The new door was made from metal with no windows.
Sliding the chain lock out of place, unlocking the two deadbolts then the small lock on the knob. Opening the door up to your overgrown front lawn. Living in the redneck part of town had its advantages. No one complained about the state of your yard.
Standing in the open door you watched the sun shine on the ground. Windswept grass appears to wave at you. An empty mailbox hung right next to your door. Fear of someone reading your mail had you checking it religiously.
Poking your head out you check the yard before stepping outside. Giving the door a tug to make sure you locked it properly.
Scurrying to your van you clamber inside. Peeling out of your driveway before you could put too much thought into it. Driving was faster meaning you had less time to chicken out.
In a matter of minutes you pulled into the parking lot. EZ Mart had not changed in your time away. Large half empty parking lot, grey lifeless building, and the impending sense of dread.
Looking at the doors you watched people come in and out. Tapping your fingers against the steering wheel as you thought about your next move.
Keeping your head down and not getting into any trouble at work. Working your ass off to show why you're the team lead.
Someone in all black passed through the front doors.
Freezing you stared at the sliding front doors. Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Gasping, you gulp down a lung full of air and start to cough.
Taking ragged breaths between each.
Gripping the steering wheel you didn’t even know you were holding your breath. Clearing your throat you shake your head. This was fucking ridiculous you’ve worked here for years. You didn’t do anything wrong, you shouldn’t be feeling this way.
Gritting your teeth you threw open the van door. Storming up to EZ Mart ready to get through your work day. Like you always have and like you always will be.
First stop is your boss's office. Your boss who didn’t even look up from their paperwork.
They simply told you what was expected to get done tonight. Some scolding about taking too many days off thrown in for good measure.
It was such a short conversation you had time to buy an energy drink before your shift. Downing the drink right before you clocked in.
Immediately finding the first big task you could do. Changing the seasonal aisle to valentine's day products. Not wanting to have any time to think you got started hulling everything to the seasonal aisle.
Yanking down the springtime decorations to replace them with hearts and chocolate. Making sure every shelf was displayed exactly how the paper showed. Every little thing is perfectly in place making the display beautiful.
Don’t think about it.
Huffing as you slide another batch of assorted chocolate boxes onto the shelf. Then another and another.
He’s here right now.
Next was the little cards, the ones with only a single lollypop tapped to them. Tapping each one to make sure it was in place perfectly on the shelf. The small boxes of heart candy kept falling each time you bumped the shelf. The chalk tasting candies wouldn’t stay still.
Was that a whiff of gas or did you imagine it?
A few boxes fell off the shelf again. Walking over to them you picked them up. Neatly stacking the rest back on the shelf. This time pushing them back more from the edge.
Going back to continue putting up the seasonal items.
Cheap little stuffed animals filled the shelfs. Having to shove them close together to fit all the toys on the shelf. It was bursting with soft plush toys ranging from bears to rabbits.
Once they were all on you couldn’t resist running your hands over them.
Soft fake fur dragged under your fingertips. They felt surprisingly soft making you want to buy one. It would be nice to have something to cuddle up with in bed.
A flash of flames and screams filled your ears. Yanking your hand back as if the soft fur burnt you. The boxes of candy hearts cascaded down to the ground.
Watching each one fall to the ground unable to do anything. They scattered across the floor of the aisle.
Too much it was too much.
You needed a break. You had to take a break.
Fleeing to the break room you paced around the space. Mercifully the space was empty letting you breathe for a few minutes. Pacing in circles around the room the vending machine caught your eye.
Of course a snack. Eating something will help you calm down.
Retrieving your wallet from your locker you fumbled with the lock before you got it open. Opening the locker you stiffened at the sight of it.
Inside were your keys, wallet and a brown paper bag. A bag that wasn't there this morning. A bag that somehow got into your locked locker.
Memories of Jeremy’s boxes and all the ‘gifts’ he would leave at your house. Swallowing you take the bag out of your locker. Opening it slowly you peered inside the bag. Nothing but a sandwich and a can of soda in the bag.
A packed lunch.
Worse is you knew exactly who had done this. The same person who visited your house every single day.
Clutching the bag you went back to the breakroom. Any appetite you might have had was gone. So you opt for the soda nursing as you take an unofficial break.
Watching the clock tick away as you tried to collect yourself. It was day one of getting back into the swing of things and you were already fucking up. You have done this job thousands of times. You were a team lead for a reason.
Responsible, good communication skills, time management and great teamwork.
Sitting in the breakroom hiding from everyone was not on your resume.
A soft click caught your attention. The door to the break room slowly opened. Dude stepped inside the room, his eyes landing on you.
Looking down at the table quickly you gripped the can hard. Hearing the can crunch in protest. Hunching over the table sitting still.
Everything felt hot like a heater had been turned on.
Sweat breaking out on your neck and forehead. Trembling started in your legs making it impossible to just stand up and leave.
“Welcome back.” Dude's deep voice sounded more soothing than you remembered.
Can’t he see that you clearly are not ok?
“Hm.” Grunting out a response.
Keeping your head down you brought the can closer to your face. Debating if you even wanted to finish it any more.
“You need to eat.” His voice was closer. Much closer.
Looking up quickly you locked eyes with Dude.
Bags under his eyes, pale skin, hair pulled back into a low ponytail. He had a frown on his lips as he looked down at you. Clenching the can harder you brought it to your lips. Downing the rest of it so you don’t have to talk to Dude.
“I know…” Dude let out a sigh as he started to talk.
“It’s not easy after everything that happened.”
If you had the energy you might have snapped at him.
Staying silent you didn’t move to acknowledge him or the paper bag still on the table.
Even though you should eat your stomach clenched at the sight of him. Looking back at the table you waited for him to leave.
Dude stood next to you for a good few minutes just watching you. He called out to you, voice filled with worry. Out of the corner of your eye you saw him move.
Catching sight of him reaching out to you.
Flinching away from him you almost fall out of your chair. Moving more out of instinct than anything else. Looking up at Dude with wide eyes frozen in your seat.
Dude’s hand hovered in the air only inches away from you.
His eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. Both of you, staring at each other trying to process what happened.
“I’m not-” Dude reached for you again and you leaned back more. “You know I would never hurt you right?” His words came out rushed. A bit of panic spilling out as well.
Your stomach clenched as you tried to answer. Your throat suddenly felt tight like you couldn’t get anything out or in. A croaking noise came out of your mouth when you tried to speak. Dude’s face lost all its color. He reached out for you with both hands.
“I would never hurt you. Never.”
Planting your feet on the ground you pushed the chair away from him. Inversely making your chair face him as you did. Dude’s hands just missed as you pushed away. Bile raised to the back of your throat the soda threatening to come back out.
“P-please.” He begged, stepping closer to you. His boot bumped the leg of your chair. Heart pounding in your chest you leaned back in your seat. Trying to make as much space between you two as possible.
Dude dropped to his knees in front of you. Cowering back you were afraid and unsure of what was happening.
“I…” Only getting one word out of your mouth.
Dude reached out grabbing your knees, his fingers digging into your skin. His warm touch anchors you to your seat. Goosebumps breaking out over your skin at one simple touch from him.
“You know I love you right?” His words sent a wave of panic through you. Hearing his feelings voiced for the first time made it so much worse. A tight feeling gripped your chest like a vice.
“You mean the world to me.” Pressing your hands to your stomach trying to stop the feelings. Gripping your shirt between your trembling fingers as he continued.
“I would never hurt you ever. I’m just trying to help you. For the past few months I’ve made sure you had everything you need. I gave you the space you wanted. I didn’t push myself onto you. You know I wouldn’t hurt you right? Tell me you know that. Please?” His speech started to pick up, getting more frantic.
Nothing would make its way out of your throat. It felt like you couldn’t breath as you listened to Dude ramble on. He kept talking, his fingers starting to rub back and forth on your pants. Looking down at his hands watching his fingers move.
You could hear your own heart pounding in your ears. Your own fingers digging into your stomach as you grip your shirt harder. Chest aching as you struggle to suck in air.
“Please tell me.” He pleaded.
Dude’s hands slide up your thighs. He scooted closer to you, his chest touching your knees. Stiff under his touch as he flattened his palms against your upper thighs. His thumbs brushing your inner thighs sending a jolt of heat down your spine.
The sight of him kneeling in front of you eyes wide with desperation did something to your heart. His mouth was moving but you couldn’t focus on him. Instead focused on where his hands were.
He started to fidget his fingers moving again.
Thumbs rubbing circles against your inner thighs. The warmth pooled in your belly.
A familiar sense slowly bubbled up. Bolting out of your seat the instant you registered what you were feeling.
Aiming for the small opening between the table and Dude. Your knee connected with his shoulder. Dude grunted as he fell back onto his ass. Stumbling you caught yourself racing out the door.
Scrambling through the back hallways to the only single room bathroom in the whole warehouse. Slamming and locking the door your chest heaved with effort. Slumping against the door wheezing with each painful breath you took.
It felt like every gasp let a small amount of air in your lungs. The white tiles under your feet started to wiggle. Everything in the tiny bathroom was moving.
Sliding down the door you sat down on the ground. Pulling your knees up to your chest. Gripping your legs hard you try to take deep breaths. Squeezing your eyes shut you pressed your forehead into your knees.
Every breath you took caused your chest to expand so much it pressed into your legs.
Your throat burned, lungs aching for air and your limbs trembled.
This couldn’t be happening.
Forcing your legs down you caught sight of the toilet. Pressing your trembling hands against the cold floor. The feeling of bile at the back of your throat came back. Scooting your way over.
How can you not control your own emotions?
Clambering onto the toilet you leaned back. The new position made breathing just a bit easier. Tiling your head back you close your mouth. Trying to force yourself to breathe through your nose.
Your body didn’t feel like your own. Every breath, every touch and every thought felt foreign.
Deep breath in through the nose, long breath out through the mouth.
Remembering someone's words from long ago. Trying to follow the instructions you sucked in a quick breath through your nose. Blowing it out through your mouth just as quickly.
You have to get control. You need to get control.
Taking another breath, trying to fill your lungs. Repeat the process over and over until you get a proper lungful. Dropping your hand as your breathing slowly started to even out. The tightness in your chest remained and your hands still trembled.
Moving to stand up, your legs shook. Sitting back down on the toilet you gave up.
Sweat covered your whole body making your clothes and hair stick to your skin. Closing your eyes you just tried to focus on nothing.
Just give your body and mind and break from everything.
The bathroom lights went out. The motion sensor in the room decided you weren’t there any more. It was your first clue on how long you had been sitting with your eyes shut. Flicking a hand out in the darkness the fluorescent lights stuttered back to life.
With a grunt you climbed back to your feet. Using the sink to wet a paper towel to wipe the sweat off your face. Taking the time to wipe off your neck and wash your hands off.
All the day's struggles disappear down the drain in an instant.
Stepping out of the bathroom you surveyed your surroundings. No one was around. It appeared Dude didn’t come after you either.
Reluctantly you made your way back to the breakroom. Each step your body protested against. Finding yourself exhausted from whatever had just happened.
The break room was empty except for the abandoned paper bag. Next to it sat an unopened energy drink. One that happened to be your preferred energy drink of choice. A silent piece offering from Dude.
Collapsing into the chair you pop open the can. Taking a long drink before you check the paper bag. The sandwich was still inside, and of course it was your favorite sandwich.
Dude was your friend, he would know these things. You two had been working together for years before you became close friends.
Taking the sandwich apart you didn’t find anything wrong with it. No hidden ingredients, no unknown sauces, it was just a normal sandwich.
With great reluctance you nibble at the sandwich. The textures felt weird swallowing the bites down you forced yourself to eat. Fighting the urge to spit it out with every bite. Watching the clock as you try to distract yourself.
It had to be the most uncomfortable meal you had ever eaten. Unable to finish the last bite you shove it back into the bag. Downing the rest of your energy drink before throwing it all away.
Making your way cautiously back onto the shop floor you checked every aisle. Finding all your employees one by one. Chatting with them as they asked how your vacation was. It was something to take your mind off what happened.
The last person you found was Dude. He was in the seasonal aisle having cleaned up your mess. He was almost finished with everything you had to do. Making sure to not be caught by him you snuck away.
Busying yourself with anything else you could. Cleaning, fixing shelves and helping with customers.
What if you weren’t good enough for this job any more?
Running from tiny task to tiny task, trying to keep busy.
Any work you could get your hands on to make the shift pass by. It went on for what felt like forever. Avoiding Dude was almost too easy.
The thought of him avoiding you as well crossed your mind. After steam rolling him you weren’t surprised. It was a relief to not worry about any more begging on his part.
Clocking out felt like a huge victory. It felt like you got a second wind the moment you punched your card out. Rushing out of EZ Mart faster than you ever had. Crossing the large parking lot in the morning light.
The sun shines down on you warming your skin as you trek to your van. No flat tires or broken windows. No signs of tampering as you walked around the van.
Climbing inside you shut the door locking it. Sighing as you sat in the safety of your van. Over the past few months you had been wondering about a few things:
How many things were Jeremys fault?
How many things were Dude’s fault?
Seeing as your van was safe you guessed Jeremy had been breaking into it. For what purpose remained a mystery. Looking back towards EZ Mart watching the early morning customers come in and out.
There on the far end of the store was Dude. For the distance you could tell he was smoking his after work cigarette. His signature trench coat makes him stand out among the grey background. You could just barely make out the smoke rising from his cigarette.
He looked so calm and uncaring. It made you feel envious. Why can’t you be so calm? Why can’t you just forget everything?
He pushed off the wall starting his walk across the parking lot. Taking the lead you shoved the keys into the ignition. You took off heading back home while in the safety of your van.
Getting home in record time you checked the mail. Finding a few letters you headed inside. Tossing the letters onto the coffee table next to your abandoned breakfast.
The first thing that hit you was the smell. After spending all day at work around industrial cleaners your nose had been cleansed. It smelt like decaying food, stale air and rotting trash. Covering your nose trying to adjust to the smells.
Looking at the small mountain of trash bags by the front door you grimace. Being on the edge of town putting any trash out meant inviting animals to eat it.
The walk to the dumpster was a good two minutes.
There were way more bags than you can carry in one trip. Loading it up in your van would risk the stink settling into the fabric.
Next was the kitchen. The sink overflowed with dishes. God knows how much half eaten food was hidden under it.
There was no way you were going to get started on that right after work.
Going straight to the bathroom you turned on the shower. Climbing into the shower with far less problems than before. Washing off the sweat and the germs from working with the public. It felt nice reminding you of your old routines.
In the shower you heard knocking. Knocking coming from your front door but you didn’t bother to check on it. Even as a sense of dread built in your stomach at each passing second. Forcing yourself to relax, determined to not let this ruin your day.
You took your sweet time to finish up in the shower and dress before checking on it.
Peeking out the peephole there was no one outside. Counting to one hundred slowly you waited to open the door. Just to be safe you count to one hundred again.
Unlocking the door you peek outside trying to see if anyone is there. Your overgrown yard greeted you silently. Opening the door more you spotted something on your doorstep.
It was the same thing you had seen everyday. A plastic shopping bag tied up. Picking up the bag you head back inside. Making sure to relock the door, giving it a tug to make sure it's truly secure. Today you had hoped the delivery would stop.
Holding the bag in head it was clear you wouldn’t get off the hook that easily. Opening the bag you peered inside. Inside was a white take out container, a bottle of juice and a frozen tv dinner. Putting the dinner away you sat down on the couch.
Taking everything out of the bag you opened the container. Finding a burger and fries that you recognized from the truck stop. Opening the juice bottle you sipped on it, finding the remote. Turning the TV on the evening news played.
This was just like what Jeremy did with his boxes. Dude kept delivering packages of food to you. He was the only reason you didn’t have to leave the house during your vacation. Normally once a day sometimes multiple times of day.
It was just a fucked up repeat of what Jeremy did. This time without the unsolicited advice.
Each time he never stuck around… At least that you knew of.
The smell of the house was a bit easier to handle now. The scent of soap on your skin also helped to hide the smell a bit. The sense of peace and safety in your house you had for the last few months crumbled a little.
How can any one relax in this mess?
How did you let it get so out of control?
Why were you like this?
Taking a large bite of the burger you savored the greasy flavors. Glad to have something else occupying your mind. Watching the two perky news hosts talk about weather and traffic. They looked so put together and happy.
Sinking into our couch you inhale the burger. Getting grease all over your hands and lips. Moving onto the frys as the news talks about some expansion to the local air force base. Finishing the meal by chugging the juice bottle.
Grimacing as the two hosts laughed cheerfully at some joke. Tossing the empty juice bottle onto the cluttered coffee table. Shutting off the TV you caught your reflection on the black screen. The garbage bags peeking out from behind the couch.
Unwilling to move you laid down on the couch. Finding the blanket from the couch on the floor. Picking it up some snack wrappers fluttered to the ground. Pulling it up and over your head you settled in hoping that you’d actually sleep normally for once.