Chapter Text
In his mind…there’s a train. Doubtless, the train is about to run off its rails. He didn't know why he knew. He just did. Perhaps it was because it lent a feeling of a self-fulfilling prophesy in its wake as the train began to wobble perilously upon its ties. Consequently, the forthcoming destruction fulfilled its purpose. The gears squealed, protesting against its imminent derailment. Sparks from the grinding metal beneath its frame spewed forth, faintly illuminating the track bed with an ominous, orange glow. At this instant, the entire body of the train suddenly lurched upwards, slamming up against the concrete wall to its side with a shrill, metallic snag. The sound grew louder, grating and squealing as it went, enough to make one grimace and cover one’s ears. The discord echoed within the narrow tunnel of the subway; louder and louder it goes-
-then Erik’s attention snaps back into the present and he narrows his eyes at his supervisor, Scott Summers as the other continued with his discourse on cyber-security. In the room with Erik are their other colleagues, but they seemed vague, ghost-like to him.
"The threat of a cyber attack is a very real risk to our business and our most important priority right now is protecting our people, our data and information, and the safety and soundness of our business operations. Therefore, our best protection against these attacks starts with you,"
Scott suddenly pointed at Erik, causing Erik's eyes to widen due to Scott singling him out, but then Scott began to point at everyone in the room."You. You and you as well. It starts with every one of you!"
Slamming a hand upon the table for emphasis, Scott gazed at them intently, his expression grim."If we become lax, if we fail to safeguard ourselves against these progressive and ever changing viruses, sooner or later, these hackers will access our servers and disseminate our information out into the worldwide web and then what? Where does that leave our company?"
Here, Scott paused to achieve a dramatic effect, so that the gravity of the situation would sink in to his reluctant audience.
"Lawsuits will fly. Our competitors will pluck our data and use it for their own, laughing in our faces as they do so and worst of all, clients will pull out in droves until we are left with nothing. We might as well shut down and start from scratch-"
A lengthy silence from everyone in the room. They could only stare at each other, bewildered as Scott went on.
"So I'm telling you all, the threat is real. It's very real. It's breathing right down our necks. The best we can do is to take responsibility for our actions. Don't access third party websites. Don't click that link sent to you via spam emails-"
Erik began to lose interest, his mind going towards this strange thought he had just now. What was that? Why the sudden daydream of a train? His thoughts are usually of an erotic nature so this was truly abnormal, even for him.
His ideation on the matter is that we all have something that preoccupies our thoughts. Something that we carry around. He imagined people carrying suitcases in their heads. Be it Inner demons, fantasies; the bills we have to pay, the deadlines we have to meet; whether we are living the life or living a half-life. It could be anything. In Erik's case, he carries around a secret. A dirty little secret. He's unnaturally obsessed with sex, although he would not deem to call it a compulsion or addiction. He presumes that he simply likes to have sex, like any hot-blooded male. He does not realize that it was nearing the point where it's all about to spiral downwards.
Family and friends alike are all unaware of his secret self, as well as his associates and colleagues. He's actually a familiar sight in seedy bars and clubs, stalking about for one-night stands. If there's a pressing need to scratch his itch, whenever a partner couldn't readily be available, he'd be online, trolling porn sites and sex chat rooms, his personal laptop filled with nothing but porn. He'd watch, deep into the night, eyes glassy with lust until his mind swirled with sex and then he would use his own hands to relieve himself. If things got desperate and he needed it bad, he'd hire the services of a hooker, maybe two or three all in the same instance, just to get the heat out of his system. Still, he was careful about the sexual partners that he took and he wore protection. He somehow had this preternatural ability of determining if whoever he'd fuck would be 'clean'; namely someone free of disease, which saved him from biting the 'AIDS' bullet or acquiring an STD, prevalent in the dangerous lifestyle he has become predisposed to, but-
-again, why a train?
He had felt strangely introspective ever since he woke up this morning. Usually he dreamed of indiscriminate sex, but when he opened his eyes, his thoughts were already on that damned train, for the last vestiges of his dreaming consciousness was that of the said locomotive, accelerating towards utter demolishment. He attempted to divert his attention back to its usual course. Sex. Sexual fantasies. That's it.
He constantly fantasized about sex, occasionally following it off with some frantic masturbation. Even now, as he was lying alone in bed that morning, naked beneath his blue sheets, thoughts of plowing his erect cock into a streaming wet vulva easily overtook his imagination. He did not have a face to this body he was possessing in his fantasy. Their faces were all the same. Disjointed images came to him as he delved into his indecent thoughts. A woman's breast, with a pert and pink nipple flashing through, bouncing as he thrusted rhythmically into her cunt. The arch of a back; a neck. The heat-oiled sweat gleaming from her salty skin. Sometimes, he fantasized about famous women, but mostly it was a faceless woman, her body a conglomeration of his intimate encounters or something he had seen from a pornographic film.
Erik kept on lying down in bed, blinking occasionally as this sexual fugue ran through his head. He had woken up early, the skies outside still murky with the gray light of dawn. The murk was slowly starting to brighten, but his attention was still on this sexual encounter playing out within the confines of his dirty mind. A faint smile formed upon his lips as it unfolded. Later, he got up, unfurling his Venetian blinds, walking about naked while he prepared his suit and his breakfast. On top of his indecent obsession, he is a perfectionist, as reflected in the neat and orderly arrangement of everything in his minimalist, monochromatic apartment. His suits are color-coordinated in his closet along with his ties; all his shoes polished to a bright sheen.
He opened his fridge and he wrinkled his nose in distaste when he saw just a single carton of Chinese take-out noodles sitting on the top shelf. He had been too distracted lately that he had forgotten to buy groceries. He frowned, the birth of a growing unease taking possession of his thoughts. He's a stickler for routine and order. How could he have forgotten the groceries? It was not a good way to start the day. He strove to shake it off by busying himself. The light streaming in from his windows seemed to appreciate the rippling of wiry muscles beneath his bare skin; his cock dangling enticingly between his legs as he strode about. He still did not put any clothes on because he relished his own nakedness. He worked out and he knew he looked good, making it easy for him to charm women into having casual sex with him. He padded towards the kitchen counter and poured himself some cereal into a bowl, slicing up a Blood Orange to go along with it. He realized too late that he did not have any milk for the cereal and cursed under his breath.
"Oh fuck it!"
Nothing he could do about it now. He spooned the dry cereal into his mouth and ate the orange slices, waiting for his coffee to finish percolating in his expensive coffee machine. His nostrils flared as the scent of freshly brewed coffee wafted up into the air. After he had his breakfast, he hung his suit out on the handle of his closet and turned on the shower to take a bath. He liked to leave it on for a while first so that the sudden cascade of warm water would not shock his senses. He took a piss and then afterwards he got under the shower. As he shampooed his hair and lathered soap upon his body, thoughts of sex made his cock stir again, the warm water beating down upon it adding fuel to the flames. He began to beat himself off, moaning, with his hand braced against the wet tiles while he wanked away violently.
An hour later, he waited for the subway train at an underground transit station, which would transport him to the location of his company's uptown building in the city proper. He wore his favorite gray plaid coat along with his light gray scarf over his suit. Introspection suddenly crept up on him again as he waited, staring at the dilapidated tiled wall across the rails. Sometimes he'd stare at women darkly, fantasizing what they would look like naked and moaning beneath him, but then, the pervasive thought of his 'mind train' and his unnatural sexual appetite made him question if this was all still normal. He was coming to the conclusion that this wasn't healthy, especially since he had kept it a secret for so long and it was constantly on his mind, making him forgetful of small details. The neglected groceries were one such example. He wondered about consulting a therapist about this, but before he could delve into the idea, the real train has arrived. It was time to go. The subway was markedly crowded today and he was further distracted by an arguing couple, that all thoughts of seeking professional help slipped from his mind. Once he was at the office, it was all business deals and proposals that he focused on and thoughts of understanding his compulsion and pursuing professional counseling eventually disappeared altogether.
His colleagues at work were unaware of his behavior because underneath it all, he feared their scrutiny over his unnatural appetite for sex, invalidating his own delusions that he's still conforming to the sexual norm. He had even made it a rule not to engage any female co-worker from the office in his sexual kinks. The reason for this is that he did not want it to be a hassle. He dated an attractive office mate once, but the spark ended the moment they had sex and he thought differently of her the day after. It got awkward. She left the company a few years back and he had imposed this rule ever since. He couldn't understand this about himself, why he avoided forming true relationships with anyone. The moment emotions get involved, he'd balk. He would be sexually attracted to someone, sure, but then once he becomes emotionally invested, he couldn't wait to get away from them. These thoughts niggled at him every once in a while and today seems to be that day wherein it came in frequent spurts. It was more of an annoyance to him, really.
Once he got to his floor, it startled him to find two men in his office. His brow furrowed in wonder over what they could be doing at his desk. He saw that they were dismantling his computer, taking the Hard Drive out, separating it from the tower.
"Excuse me, what's this about?"He asked them, his voice slightly testy.
One of the men responded."The boss asked us to check it, Sir. Some malware or virus almost hacked our servers. We traced it here."
These men were from IT. Erik warily eyed his Hard Drive that one of them carried. He tried to act nonchalant as he nodded his acquiescence at their intrusion. They were only doing their job. He was slightly concerned that they would find his browsing history and see the numerous hits on pornographic sites. He was glad he did not download any of that filth directly into his computer, otherwise that would have been embarrassing. When they left, he sat down, quietly upset that he did not have a means to fuel his compulsion. He was staring at the black emptiness of his monitor when he heard a knock at his door. It was his boss, Scott Summers.
"Hi!"Scott began, but Erik launched in on him before he could continue.
"What the hell is the meaning of this? Those IT guys just took my damned computer apart!"
"Whoa! Calm your tits, ok? I got a report about your computer. Didn't they tell you they traced a virus there? It almost caused half of our servers to go down if they hadn't found the source and blocked it."
"How the fuck did it get a virus?"Erik fumed.
"It seems your assistant might have done some late night porn browsing on your pc. Would you believe the shit IT found when they ran a remote trace? I'm talking about hoes, sluts, anal, double anal, penetration, interracial facial, man. We'll terminate him after we do an inquiry for formalities sake."
Erik nodded, pretending to be indignant over the entire matter. It was a good thing that as a precaution, he used his assistant's login all the time, especially when he returned to the office at night to use the company resources for his porn browsing. This was whenever his internet at home ran slow. Scott could attest that they both leave the office together so no one would associate the virus with him. He felt slightly guilty because his assistant, although an asshole, didn't deserve getting the boot for his pornographic fixation. Too bad Erik found his assistant's password and login, carelessly written on a post-it and left lying around.
"I came over to warn you ahead of time, but you're early as usual."
"Well, you know me,"
"I sure do. You'll be temporarily working in my office until we get this mess sorted out. You can move your things in. I had a desk set up for you."
"Thanks."
"Anytime. Great job bagging the Sentinel Project, by the way! That was just super!"
Erik cringed inwardly. Working at close quarters with Summers? Just his fucking luck. For some reason, Scott had always reminded him of Ned Flanders from The Simpsons. He's such a goddamned goody-two-shoes. Who uses the word 'Super' nowadays? It would probably drive him up the wall if he stayed in a room with Scott for prolonged periods. Scott actually looked like he wanted to engage him in some more of this delightful conversation so Erik took this as his cue to stand up, mumbling that he needed to go get some coffee. Scott finally left him alone, attending to other things in the office. Erik wasn't really going for coffee. He made a bee-line for the men's room instead. He went into one of the stalls, locked the door and then he started quickly pulling on some tissues from the tissue dispenser. As an Obsessive-Compulsive, he began wiping at the seat of the toilet, flinging the tissue into the bowl and then he immediately kicked at the lever of the flush, together with wrangling his zipper open, desperate for release. He began to fondle his cock, propping himself up against the wall as he used his hand to satisfy himself. He breathed quietly through his nose instead of moaning so as not to draw anyone's attention.
He couldn't stand it; staying in that room, with Scott watching his every move. He couldn't visit a porn site on his current computer and it frustrated the hell out of him. His leg bounced restlessly beneath the table as he flung Scott a look of pure loathing. Scott was talking to someone animatedly on his cellphone, laughing with insincere exuberance that it was all Erik could do not to punch the fucker in the mouth. Denied of his porn and a means to relieve himself, he couldn't focus on doing his job. Scott later called for a meeting and gave them that mind-numbing speech about cyber-security. The day went about in a blur and afterwards, Scott was inviting him out for a drink with some of their office pals. Although Erik appeared calm and collected on the surface, he was itching to get back home to watch some porn. However, it would appear odd to Scott if he refused to go out with the group. Scott had already baited him with a casual inquiry.
"Are you doing anything tonight?"
"Nothing. Why?"
"Come with me, then. The guys and I are going to the usual spot for some drinks."
"I don't know, Scott. What did the Missus, say?"Erik joked lightly.
Scott puffed his chest out, holding his hands up."The Missus approves. So come with?"
"A toast, to Erik and our successful acquisition of the Sentinel company. We couldn't have done it without you, Erik!"Scott said out loud and Erik could only smirk faintly as their drinking buddies, Armando Munoz and Bobby Drake along with Scott himself patted his back for a job well done. They made cheery noises, made up of manly hoots and howls as they threw back their heads, drinking their Tequila shots, straight up. Their favorite spot, called The Blackbird attracted a plethora of corporate clientele out for a night of casual drinking or simply just to unwind.
Grimacing after the Tequila burned a trail down his throat, Scott flung a glance towards the bar, ogling an attractive woman who hung out with her girlfriends.
"Wow, she's hot!"
Erik quickly darted a look towards three women along with the guys. His eyes instantly settled upon a blond woman wearing a gray suit.
"Gray suit?"Erik asked, but that goes without saying. She's indeed the hottest woman in that bar tonight.
"Think I could talk to her? I should talk to her, shouldn't I?"Scott enthused and although Erik didn't say anything, he found his boss' attempts at machismo laughable. Scott was too much of a wimp to even cheat on his wife. He's only mouthing off, trying to act cool before his employees, but Erik knew the truth about Scott. They've been working together for years and Erik knew Scott believed in that fidelity bullshit. Erik smiled at Scott knowingly, but Scott misunderstood what it meant.
"You should go talk to her,"Erik pretended to encourage his boss, raising his glass in a salutation to Scott.
"I should!"Scott said excitedly, gearing himself up. He clinked his glass against Erik's glass, oblivious to the crafty glances between his men. He knocked back his beer, exhaling a bracing breath and then he stood up and strode towards the women, chatting them up animatedly, trying his best to charm them. Erik and the others chuckled quietly, watching Scott with evident ridicule. The idiot forgot to remove his wedding ring!
"Twenty bucks says he fucks it up."Erik murmured to them.
Armando and Bobby tried to stifle their laughter as Erik stood up and walked over to Scott in the guise of joining him. As Erik drew near, he could hear Scott's pathetic attempts at ingratiating himself with the ladies, offering to pay for their drinks, only to get shot down by the blond beauty.
"No, I told you, I had it."Scott said with a little less enthusiasm, because he could see that she wasn't interested in him at all.
"No, I have it."
"I'll get the next round then-"Scott offered again.
"Sure."The blond woman said, evidently disinterested and then her eyes went to Erik as he leaned upon the bar to join them. Erik immediately knew that she's attracted to him. Her eyes lingering on him as Scott tried to engage her with his flattery.
"You're a strong, independent woman. I like that."
"Thank you!"Her eyes were now only on Erik.
Scott knew he blew it with her, but he didn't want to seem like he'd made a fool of himself so he persisted. He suddenly noticed Erik and placed an arm around him, drawing him close."This guy right here, nailed it today."
His boss stared at him intently, almost relieved that he was there."I want you to know you nailed it today. You're pitch was amazing. You're the man!"
Erik shrugged nonchalantly, as if it wasn't that big of a deal. The blond woman handed him her untouched shot and called the bartender for another one. She lifted the shot glass towards Erik, her eyes raking in his quiet seduction.
"Let's drink to that then! Cheers! To nailing it-"
Everyone uttered their cheers and drank their shots.
Later that night Erik fucked the blond woman under a deserted bridge. She left the bar alone, parting with her friends and she conveniently had her car with her. She offered to give Erik a ride and things took off from there, after Erik escorted a drunken Scott into a taxi. They still had their clothes on as Erik rammed his cock into her while the blond woman (he could only refer to her as the blond woman because he couldn't recall her name) wrapped her legs around his waist, moaning with her head thrown back as Erik slammed her up against the wall, thrusting and spending into her. She knew the game and didn't offer her phone number to him after and he quietly thanked her for that.
Erik had a languid smile upon his face as he entered the main entrance of his apartment, looking forward to watching some porn and jacking off while he was at it. Perhaps he could even call in a hooker, to celebrate getting one on Scott. Then, Erik received the shock of his life when he found his mother, Edie, waiting for him in the lobby of his apartment building. He knew her face the moment he saw her, even though he hadn't seen her in years.
"What are you doing here?"
"You don't sound too happy to see me-"Edie said with some forced sarcasm. She sounded haggard and she looked the part, with bags under her eyes and a disheveled appearance, her curly, graying hair looking frazzled.
Erik ran a frustrated hand through his hair, doing his best to control the annoyance in his voice."You can't just pop up on me like this! I could have made arrangements for you!"
"I tried to call you all day, but it seems I couldn't reach you on your cell phone-"
"I recently changed my phone number!"Erik said gruffly, causing Edie to stop and regard him sadly.
"I'm sorry to come here on such short notice Erik, but it's an emergency. Your Uncle's got cancer and they referred him to a hospital here in the city. It's bad, Erik. He doesn't have much time left. I just came from the hospital and I need a place to stay. It's only for a few days-"
Erik grew still at that. No. He couldn't have her staying in his apartment. It would feel like high school again. Back when he was in high school and living with his parents, he used to lock himself up in his room whenever he masturbated, quietly moaning into his pillow so no one would hear as the heat of his sexual fantasies overcame him. When everyone was asleep, he'd take out his tattered porn magazines and wank away under a nightlight, wiping his come as quickly as he possibly could afterwards. Hence, his obsession with cleanliness and order.
"Erik?"His mother asked, brow furrowing at his hesitation.
Erik finally found his voice."I can book you into a hotel. You don't need to stay at my place."
"Nonsense! I'm staying here. We're family, aren't we? I need someone around. You need someone around-"
"Mom, I'm too busy! I can't right now! Besides, I'm not that close to Uncle Erich-"Erik said in a strained voice. He felt like a juvenile in her presence.
Edie's lips disappeared into a thin line. She couldn't hide the disappointment she felt over Erik's behavior and seeing that look upon her face just angered Erik. He mightily struggled with himself, controlling his facial expression before speaking once more.
"Sorry, I-"
"Erik it doesn't matter if you weren't close to your Uncle. He's part of the family and he's my brother. Can't you at least spare a few days for me?"
Erik sighed, nodding reluctantly."Sure. Ok."
Edie smiled at him uneasily. She tried to reach for his cheek, but he abruptly moved away from her, as if he didn't want her touching him. Erik gestured towards the elevators.
"Come on, let's head up. Where are your bags?"
Edie lifted the medium-sized suitcase at her side."This is all I have with me,"
Erik took her suitcase and placed a hand to his mother's back, leading the way.
He didn't really want anyone around his apartment because he didn't want anyone intruding in on his privacy, judging him. Especially his mother. He thought the days when she hovered over him and smothered him were long gone. Now she's here and she's going to put a damper on things. He won't be calling in any hookers; he won't be able to watch porn freely. He usually had the volume turned up on his laptop whenever he watched. He'd have to hide his stash of skin flicks and pornographic magazines. Before he let her in, he informed her he had to 'tidy up' the place. He hurriedly threw everything dirty and depraved into his bedroom closet and locked it. When he finally let her in, the first thing she did was to comment on how cold and impersonal his room felt while sitting before his dining table.
Erik just shrugged and turned on the heater."Good thing I have a guest room. You can sleep there for now. I'll get you some sheets-"
"Erik."
Erik turned to face his mother."What?"
"How are you? How have you been? You've been avoiding everyone for some time now. You know, your dad asks about you-"
"I'm fine! I'm just busy-"Erik said irritably.
"Too busy even for Christmas or for holidays?"Edie said, lifting an eyebrow at him. Erik regarded her with contempt, wanting to take refuge in his bedroom. He was preparing her some coffee and he couldn't help it when he slammed the cup down on the counter, causing Edie to jump slightly in her seat. Erik wearily shook his head.
"Mom. Don't. Just don't."
"What? What's wrong with wanting to have you around? Are you still hung up on what happened before?"
Erik couldn't deal with this. He poured her a cup of coffee and then he placed it before her."Here's your coffee. I'm going to bed. Get your sheets from the cabinet at the door!"
"Erik-"His mother began, but he had already closed his door on her.
More often than not, he'd be on his laptop watching porn at this hour and drinking beer, but with his mother nearby, listening to porn stars moaning out loud from his laptop and masturbating to the glorious depravity of it was just inconceivable. It felt awkward to him. He decided to put some earphones on to watch his porn privately, but then the sound of his mother sobbing loudly from outside managed to reach him when he adjusted his earphones. He pulled the earphones off and then he put aside his laptop. He got up and placed his ear to the wall. His mother had stopped sobbing and now she's sniffling quietly, as if she grew conscious of her outburst.
He couldn't stand it. He felt ill due to her presence in his apartment and because of the sudden flood of memories she brought with her. Sooner or later, she'd start asking questions again and she'd force him into a conversation. He decided to go for a run, just to get the restlessness out of his system. He donned his running outfit and plugged in the strains of some classical music into his ear. It was Bach's Prelude & Fugue No. 10 in E Minor, the music coming from his cell phone, which he'd slipped into the pocket of his pants. He was just like any night jogger, running down the squalid streets, beneath the streetlights and the decaying and run-down façade of several buildings, his earphones barely blotting out the clamor of the city at night. He looked impressive as he ran; although he had that gangling, loping stride common in long-legged people, there's a gracefulness to his movements, like a well-oiled machine. He'd jog in place at the stoplights and then he'd run and run, until exhaustion took over. It was half past one when he got back home. Only silence from the guest room. Good. He took a quick shower and tucked in for the night, but he could barely sleep. The train. The fucking train was back in his head and that was all he thought of as he slipped into unconsciousness.
Morning came and he prepared a begrudging breakfast for himself and his mother. They spoke only in monosyllables as Erik got ready for work. Erik couldn't look at his own mother in the eye. He cast her a quick glance and he didn't like what he saw. She looked bedraggled; lifeless. Of course she'd feel that way, knowing that her brother was near death. That, and getting no sympathy from her only son. There might have been a time when he loved her deeply, perhaps he still did, but he couldn't stand her presence now for some reason. Seeing her made him feel as if he had a weight on his chest and he couldn't breathe. He helped her get a cab back to the hospital and then he took his usual route to the subway to head to his office. He was irritable and listless as he went about his day. He desperately needed his porn fix. Watching porn on his cellphone and jacking off in one of the cubicles in the men's room wasn't enough. He needed more or else he couldn't function.
The days drew on and his mother remained at his apartment, longer than necessary for him and to top it off, Scott couldn't get a new desktop installed into his office yet, hampered by the trappings of approval and paperwork. Erik couldn't even bring his laptop to work because someone might actually see what was on it. He took longer hours going back home, spending his time walking out on the streets and smoking, even making attempts to hit on women at some of the bars he frequented, but every time he thought of his mother, waiting for him at his apartment, he would lose his sex drive. He needed her out of his apartment soon or he'd lose his mind. Having her around dredged up past hurts he didn't want to think about anymore.
He got home one night and found that her suitcase wasn't there. He exhaled a sigh of relief. She finally left. She didn't leave a note or call him on his new cellphone number, so he assumed that was that. He took out his laptop and he placed it on his small desk by the window, leaving it open at a pornographic webcam site. His usual sex chat mates didn't show up yet so he closed the laptop and entered his bathroom to jerk off at the sink. He was moaning loudly, staring at himself in the mirror as he pleasured himself; tugging frantically at his cock repeatedly and then to his immense shock and mortification, his mother suddenly opened the bathroom door and saw him masturbating naked before the mirror. She uttered a tiny scream while Erik cursed under his breath, his face flaming up with a dull flush.
"Oh, fuck!"
His mother immediately closed the door while Erik scrambled for the door handle and locked it, his entire body shaking with both his humiliation and his thwarted orgasm. His cock had shriveled up, causing him pain. He quickly wrapped a towel around his waist and stalked over to his mother, sitting upon the sofa.
"What, are you fucking spying on me?"
Edie looked as equally mortified as he was, but the only difference is he's mad at her, mad enough to roughly grab her shoulders and shake her about.
"Are you fucking spying? What do you want from me? Why did you come here? Why?"He screamed into her face wrathfully as he shook her and his mother could only sob and cry out for him to stop.
"I thought you fucking left! Why are you even here?"Erik demanded from her and Edie answered him in a hitching breath.
"E-Erich's wife asked me to stay at the hospital, because she thought today was the day, but Erich is still-"Edie trailed off brokenly, tears streaming down her trembling cheeks. He blinked at her, realizing what he'd done. He'd hurt his own mother. He staggered away from her, gasping, tears starting from his anguished eyes and then he locked himself up in the bathroom. Edie tentatively knocked on his bathroom door.
"Erik, I'm sorry-"
Erik sat lifelessly upon the tiled floor, willing her to just go away. He reached for the shower handle and turned it on, perhaps to drown her out or perhaps to trick her into thinking he was taking a shower. A lengthy silence followed and then he heard her dragging the suitcase towards the front door and the sound of the door snapping close. Erik took a bath, but he couldn't even feel clean, not after having his mother see him like this. He's a grown-up already and yet he was beating off like a high school pervert. To his horror, his mother had opened his laptop and had seen his porn while he was in the bathroom. He angrily unplugged his laptop and slapped it on to his bed. He stared listlessly at his closed laptop, his legs folded close to his chest, thinking how depraved he'd become and how awful it is that his mother had to see him like this.
Despondent and fueled by his rage, Erik took out several black trash bags and he began to empty out boxes of pornographic magazines and sex films into it, along with his sex toys. He smashed his laptop on to an extension of the wall and threw it into the trash bag as well. He covered everything in leftovers and other trash and then he threw it all out into a dumpster outside. Now he had nothing, nothing to calm the sexual aching within his body. He sat in his bed, sobbing quietly. When he'd gotten over his bout of crying, he stared out at the city lights under the dark sky. He wondered when all this began, when he'd started to get his urges. For some strange reason, he can't seem to remember.
He didn't go to work the next day, calling in sick for the first time. He hasn't called in sick before. He sat upon his sofa, vacantly watching cartoons when his mother entered his apartment, placing her suitcase close by the door. He had given her a duplicate key, damn it. They didn't say anything to each other at first. Edie sat next to him and they watched the cartoon show together in absolute silence. His mother suddenly turned to face him.
"I'm sorry."
Erik didn't say anything. He continued to watch cartoons, pretending as if the show absorbed his attention. Edie hesitated, but she plodded on.
"Erik, we both know something's wrong and we can't keep avoiding it. Please, talk to me-"
He glared at her, wanting to cuss her out and say what's on his mind, but he stifled himself. He drew away from her, rubbing his hands over his face."Look, just forget it. This isn't working out, obviously. You need to leave. Go stay with Aunt Ruth-"
Edie looked him over intently, her sad eyes searching his own."I make you angry all the time and I don't know why."
Erik spoke in a sarcastic tone, mockingly looking her over."No? You don't know why? You trap me. You force me into a corner and you trap me."
Edie's eyes trembled with tears, the expression on her face filled with sadness that it stabbed at Erik's heart.
"I'm just trying to help you, Erik-"
He just about exploded when he heard her say those words. He grabbed her roughly by the chin, forcing her to look into his angry eyes."How are you helping me, huh? How are you helping me? You come in here and you're a weight on me. You drag me down by bringing up the past, carrying around your fucking emotional baggage and forcing it on me!"
Edie began to cry, her voice taking on a trembling quality."You're my son and you need someone to help you, Erik. I'm offering you my help. If I left, I would never hear from you again. You'd shut me out like everyone else. Don't you think that's sad?"
Erik pushed her away, disgusted by her melodrama."Why is it always so dramatic with you? Everything is always the end of the world."
"Erik, I'm just trying to talk to you-"
Erik shook his head, scoffing."I don't wanna talk."
He suddenly stood up."I'm going out."
Edie didn't know what else to say to get through to her son."I'll...I'll wait for you."
"No. I don't want you here. When I get back, I don't want to see any sign of you."He said with detached coldness.
Erik went to his closet to put on his running clothes. He could hear her crying in the living room, but he hardened himself against her, even though he was really dying on the inside. He fought back the tears that started from his eyes, focusing on his hatred of her. He blamed her for how he turned out and he wanted to justify his actions by calling her out on smothering him. He grabbed his running shoes and then he left without another look back.
Now he understood his strange fixation on crashing trains. He initially thought his preoccupation was due to his constant association with the subway; everyday going in and out of this mode of transport, despite how dilapidated and paint-sprayed and dirty it was; despite smelling of piss and old hobos. He came to realize that he's actually the train; a train wreck about to happen. An engine of mass destruction plowing everything in its way, starting with his mother. Seeing her pain broke something within him and now there's no stopping this train. Not anymore. The momentum of its crashing already propelled him. He thought, if he's going to crash, he might as well rend and tear as much as he can until he gets to the end; until this destruction comes to a screeching halt, destroying everything it touches. He went to a bar and tried to seduce a woman who's actually out there with her boyfriend, playing billiards. When the boyfriend threatened him with violence, Erik described how he'd fuck her until she's clawing at his back, moaning for more. He laughed insolently when the boyfriend left with his girlfriend, the guy seething with rage, but not wanting to make a scene. Erik drank by himself, ignoring the disgusted stares of the other patrons who overheard his lewd talk. This is what he liked best about anonymity. He could say and do anything he wanted and he wouldn't care about getting judged, whereas if he's emotionally invested or tied down by conformity, he'd dwell on trying to please people and he's sick of it.
The moment he stepped outside the bar, he didn't realize that the girl's boyfriend lay in wait for him. He surprised Erik with a punch in the gut and when Erik fell, the fucker kicked his face and then the guy kicked him repeatedly in the stomach. The man spat on him afterwards, cursing him.
He lost consciousness and no one even helped him up. He remained at the side of the bar, his face bleeding and his stomach hurting like hell. When he came to, he got to his knees and staggered about, willing the pain to go away. He still didn't want to go home. He's not done plowing through with his wreckage just yet. He had to fuck someone tonight. Almost anyone will do. Anyone. He decided to go to this exclusive Asian hooker he knew. Notwithstanding his state, he went to her apartment and she arranged to have another hooker join them. He asked her to make sure that the other woman is 'clean'. He then indulged in every depravity he could think off, fucking the two whores. He was insatiable that night, blindly fondling their breasts and their asses, sucking and licking every inch of skin; their bodies limned together that he couldn't tell whose limb belonged to whom anymore. He was melting with them in this delicious sexual frenzy, losing himself until he felt blissfully emptied, his mind wiped clean by the constant state of orgasm. He pounded his hips into every orifice he could possess, but still...after he'd done the deed, it rendered him with a feeling of emptiness. He felt like a bottomless pit. Although his bodily need became sated, his mind still hungered. The need was still there.
When his time with the women ended, he took a quick bath in the Asian hooker's bathroom and then he was back out on the streets. He rode the subway train again, not caring where it was taking him. He was on the train for a long while. When he got off somewhere unfamiliar, he tried to enter one of the clubs in the area. The bouncer refused to let him in after seeing his banged-up state. The bouncer could sense he meant trouble. Erik didn't oppose him any further. The guy had his posse with him and he knew they would deal him a world of hurt if he forced his way in. He looked around desperately, hoping to find the release he needed. He needed his fix. He needed it right now. Then, his eyes alighted on the last place on earth he would have entered. His eyes fell on a gay bar. The garish sign at the top spelled out The Hellfire club, its pulsing red signage like a red alert meant to keep people away. Erik didn't even think twice. He entered the place and there...he finally found his cure. He just didn't know it at that time.