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Colet stares at the ceiling as she just woke up.
May sampung minuto rin siyang hindi gumalaw from her position.
Her body feels sore.
Sumabay pa 'yung puso niyang parang kumikirot narin kahit hindi naman dapat.
Hindi dapat.
She agreed to this.
They both agreed to this.
She groaned as she got up from her bed and lazily dragged herself to the bathroom inside her room.
"Colet, ano bang ginagawa mo sa sarili mo?" she shook her head when she spoke to herself. "Nababaliw nanaman ako."
She was about to take her toothbrush but another toothbrush caught her attention.
It's there.
It has always been there.
The blue toothbrush that is always there beside her white ones.
She sighed to herself before taking her own toothbrush and continuing with her morning routine.
After a good steamy shower, she stared at the toothbrush again while applying her moisturizer.
Come to think of it, this is the only tangible item na lagi niyang kinakalimutan. At this point, iniisip nalang ni Colet na iniiwan niya talaga ito kasi there is always a next time.
Kahit ayaw na ni Colet, there is always a next time.
Kahit ayaw na ng utak ni Colet, wala siyang magawa sa kung anong hinahanap hanap ng puso at katawan niya.
—
<flashback>
"What are you doing here again?"
Jhoanna bit her lower lip and lifted up a plastic bag. "Samahan mo ako mag-dinner? Baked Sushi kasi alam kong cravings mo 'to."
"Jhoanna, please." Colet sighed but opened the door for the latter. "Pero aalis ka na pagkatapos mong kumain. I've got a lot of pending work."
"Okay, whatever." Jhoanna smiled and let herself in.
'Kakain lang kami ng dinner and i'll push her away after. You can't do this to yourself, Colet. Hindi pwedeng lagi kang naka-welcome sakanya sa tuwing kailangan ka niya when she can't even do the same. Matuto ka na, please. MATUTO. KA. NA.'
And that's what she said to herself before letting Jhoanna into her space again.
She let Jhoanna...
Again.
Colet closed her eyes as she felt light kisses on her jaw and into her ear. She let out a deep breath while Jhoanna was making her settle on the couch and taking the space above her.
She is, once again, trapped under her.
'Yung pagkain na dala ni Jhoanna, ayun, tengga nalang sa coffee table ni Colet.
'Putangina, kakain lang daw.'
"I know hindi mo ako kayang tiisin." she shivered when she felt her teeth grazing on her ear. "You'll always let me get into your world, Ate Colet. And there's nothing you can do about what your heart and body wants."
She bit her lower lip.
Gusto niyang sumabog at magsabi ng masasamang words. She wanted to push the girl above her and run away.
Pero tama si Jhoanna.
Wala siyang magawa sa gusto ng puso at ng katawan niya.
The girl who can always give her a cold shoulder whenever she wants to but makes her warm and light whenever they are tangled under her sheets.
"Shut up ka nalang, Jho." she hissed and held her by her hair before pulling the latter's head down to her neck.
Jhoanna smirked before dipping and diving down Colet's neck.
Once again, she let Jhoanna.
—
After doing her morning routine, she stared at the toothbrush again.
‘Itatapon ko na ba? What if bumalik? No, Colet! Stop it! Hindi na dapat siya bumalik at kapag bumalik siya, dapat itulak mo palayo!’
She pursed her lips before grabbing the toothbrush harshly and tossed it in the trash bin.
“Pakyu, Jhoanna Robles! Pakyu rin sa sarili ko kasi ang rupoj rupok ko pagdating sayo!”
Literal na pinakyuhan niya ‘yung basurahan bago sumandal sa pader.
“Jhoanna naman kasi eh..” she ruffled her hair before walking to her table at nakakalat parin dito yung trabaho niya simula kahapon. “‘Yung mga pendings ko, pending parin. Hayop talaga.”
The door of her room slowly opened.
“Hey, kain tayo?”
“The fuck?!” she quickly turned her head to the direction of the voice. “Why are you still here?”
Jhoanna chuckled. “Tara na, naghain na ako. Habang mainit pa ‘yung sinandok ko para sa’yo na pork steak.”
“Ang tanong ko, ano pang ginagawa mo rito?” Colet asked habang papalapit kay Jhoanna.
Jhoanna just shrugged her shoulders before holding Colet by her shoulders and pushed her to the mini dining area of Colet’s flat.
After making Colet settle on her seat, pinagsandok naman siya ng kanin ni Jhoanna before taking her seat beside Colet.
Colet just stared at her.
“Ano?” Jhoanna asked while smiling sheepishly. “Bakit ganyan ka makatingin?”
“Bakit andito ka pa?” Colet asked again.
Sinubuan siya ni Jhoanna at tinanggap naman niya.
‘Tangina ko talaga eh. Tangina mo rin, Jho. Do something, Colet!’
“For the first time, you asked me to stay.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Do you really wanna talk about this right now, Ate Colet?”
With some food still inside her mouth, Jhoanna answered.
“I-“ Colet tried to answer but she was lost for words.
What does Jhoanna mean na ‘for the first time’?
--
<flashback>
“Pahinga ka na, Ate Colet.“Jhoanna held Colet’s frame and laid her down the bed before covering her with her blanket.
“Fuck.. you ka, Jhoanna.” Colet barely whispered. She was panting so hard like she ran a freaking marathon.
“I know,” Jhoanna chuckled before leaning to Colet and pressed a kiss on her forehead.
She was about to get up but she felt a hand on her waist.
Colet, tired as fuck from the things that they just did, was already half asleep when she mumbled,
“Can you stay? It feels cold.”
That surely pulled something from Jhoanna’s system. She clutched on the shirt that she just picked up from the floor and stared at Colet. ‘How can this woman look so peaceful and innocent when they were just fucking each other’s brains out a few minutes ago?’
She reached for her face and caressed her cheek.
“Kapag ba mag-stay ako, you’ll let me in your life?” she asked the now asleep Colet.
And Jhoanna swears she just wants to melf when Colet leaned on her hand and let her face rest on it.
Jhoanna lets Colet.
‘Fuck this.’ She thought before dropping her shirt on the floor again and letting herself inside the covers.
She encircled her arms around Colet and pulled her in for a hug.
“Goodnight,” she pressed a kiss on her head. “I don’t know what to call you know but I think sobrang down bad ko ata sa’yo and okay, I’ll let myself be.”
--
Jhoanna sipped on her water before facing Colet.
“This thing between us.. akala ko hanggang ‘dun nalang. I mean, when we both agreed to this setup, I really didn’t expect it to go further than that. I thought okay lang sa’kin na parang, ‘okay, I’ll go to you kapag free lang ako. Something like that.” Jhoanna leaned her forehead on Colet’s shoulder.
“Jho-“
“But then, may mga moments na parang hinahanap ko na talaga ‘yung presence mo. Pero I swear, pinigilan ko siya and ayoko rin naman na magmukhang clingy. Hello? Saan ka naman nakakita ng fuck buddies na clingy sa isa’t-isa?”
Natawa si Jhoanna before slipping an arm on Colet’s waist.
Again, she let Jhoanna.
Jhoanna lifted her face up to look at Colet’s side profile. She smiled.
“But kagabi, you asked me to stay... When I heard that from you, parang gusto sumabog ng puso ko. Nung sinabi mo ‘yun, parang natanggap ko narin sa sarili ko na… holy shit, I think totoo nga I’m feeling something more than what fuck buddies should feel.”
Colet turned her head to face Jhoanna.
With their faces are only inches away, Colet’s breath hitched.
“I actually hate you but… Jho, do you want to be girlfriends?”
Jhoanna bit her lower lip, trying to supress her smile.
“I do,” she leaned closer, their lips now almost brushing. “but why do you hate me?”
“A-Akala ko kasi,” Colet swallowed the invisible lump on her throat. “Akala ko kasi ako lang ‘to, akala ko kasi wala lang ako sa’yo. I hate you kasi I was so tired of our setup, mainly because I know na nahulog na ako and… I wanted more. I wanted more than what we have but I know we can’t kaya I hate you. I also hate myself, for always letting you kahit ayoko na fuck buddies lang.”
“Ang gago pala natin parehas eh,” Jhoanna grinned and pressed a kiss on Colet’s lips who then wrapped her arms around Jhoanna’s neck. “All this time eh nagpipigil pa ako kahit pwede naman palang hindi.”
“Natapon ko nga pala ‘yung toothbrush mo kanina..”
“I know, rinig ko pinakyuhan mo rin ako.”
They both laughed.
“Palitan nalang natin.” she pressed another kiss on Colet.
“And don’t worry about it na because I’m here to stay for as long as you want me to.”