Chapter Text
They have a house now.
A house with a front gate and a small backyard. A house with a full kitchen completely separate from the living room. A house with stairs and a second story with two bedrooms. A house, complete with a mortgage and enough paperwork to make his eyes cross.
And it’s theirs.
The decision wasn’t made lightly. Misaki and Saruhiko had gone back and forth for months over the pros and cons of buying over renting. They were both accustomed to apartments and landlords and lease agreements. They were used to neighbors boxing them in and noise complaints from several doors down. Living in a home, completely by themselves, and especially so young… It was admittedly a little scary, and Misaki couldn’t help but acknowledge how much of a privilege this opportunity was for them. His own mother hadn’t owned a home until she was well into her thirties. This was… Big.
The thought of living somewhere that was completely and utterly theirs won out in the end, and then they went back and forth even more on which house to actually buy. They eventually settled on a quaint townhouse, not too far away from either of their jobs in a quieter part of town. Saruhiko would be paying most of the bills, but his recent salary raise was part of why the discussion of buying a house came up in the first place. Misaki’s promotion at his job to shift manager just solidified the possibility into reality.
The past three years have been… eventful, Misaki will admit.
Anna presented as a beta right before her fifteenth birthday, her scent quietly shifting from recognizable milky-pup to a faint and mature pomegranate. Today, she was seventeen, and would soon be even older. Misaki couldn’t help but get emotional whenever he thought about it. He always knew Anna would grow up one day, but seeing it happen was something else entirely.
HOMRA Bar was doing well, as was Kusanagi and Seri. He had heard through the grapevine that some middle schooler had started hanging around the bar and had recently been invited in by Kusanagi for some juice. Everyone’s pretty sure that their pack is going to gain a new member, but Misaki is firm in waiting for the pup to prove himself before welcoming him with open arms.
And Saruhiko is his mate. Officially. Through and through. More than that, Saruhiko is his boyfriend, his partner, and hopefully, his fianc é (if Saruhiko would just hurry up and ask, that is). They renewed their mating bond every year, always on the anniversary, and scented each other each morning before Saru went to work. It was sickeningly domestic, and it was everything Misaki has ever wanted.
If middle school him could see where they were now…
He had done his best to stay as non-sentimental as possible during the entire process of buying a home, but if he had shed a couple tears after all their boxes were situated, well that’s no one’s business but his own.
They have a house. A house.
Fourteen-year-old Misaki would never believe it. Hell, twenty-five-year-old Misaki could hardly believe it! A job, a den, a mate, god , when did he grow up?
He laughs to himself, returning to the present where he’s currently unpacking Saruhiko’s PC in the spare bedroom. Despite only needing a singular room, the price and location of the house they settled on was just too good to pass up, and they rationalized the spare room by planning to use it as an office space.
Now that Saruhiko’s desk and computer were settled in, Misaki is beginning to realize the room was… Sorta big. Perhaps too big to be just an office.
Looking around the space he hums to himself, imagination beginning to churn. The majority of the room remained bare, but if Saruhiko’s desk was positioned in the corner instead of in the middle, then there would be enough space for a whole gaming room setup! Oh! Or they could have their very own home theater… And maybe they could use the theater to play video games! Or, if they moved Saruhiko’s desk closer to the door, then the spot right under the window would be perfect for a crib-
His train of thought slams to a halt.
Crib? What? Like, for pups?
His stomach clenches uncomfortably, face burning at his own thoughts. Absolutely not. Just because they’re a young mated couple moving into their first home doesn’t mean they have to immediately start breeding like animals! He was already preparing himself for all the offhand comments he was sure he and Saru were going to receive. He wasn’t sure if playing into the expectation would be a good thing.
Ugh , even thinking about all the smiles and congratulations makes his skin itch. He wouldn’t be able to stand it! Everyone would start treating him like some kind of special trinket, like he was a fragile flower, like an omega . If some punk stood up on the subway to give him their seat? Misaki would punch his lights out.
And besides, what do he and Saruhiko know about taking care of pups? The most Misaki knows comes from helping his mother with his younger siblings when he was still young himself. He thinks he could remember how to change a diaper, but what about nutrition? Enrichment? Education? He would have to ask his mother for more information and- fuck - that would mean telling his mother-
Just thinking about it is making him dizzy. Saruhiko definitely wouldn’t be much better off. In fact, he’d probably be even more overwhelmed. Saruhiko was an only child, after all. He could barely take care of himself! To be a sire… Shit, to be a dam…
Is the room supposed to be spinning?
Misaki blinks hard, roughly scrubbing at his eyes as he shakes the thoughts from his head. Yeah. Absolutely not. Maybe… Maybe one day but- Definitely not now. Not anytime soon either, for that matter.
He stubbornly huffs a breath of air and turns around, switching off the light to the office and promptly shutting the door. He’ll bring up getting some bookshelves or something to fill up the space over dinner.
After that, he tries to put it out of his mind.
It’s easy for the most part, his thoughts caught between his busier work schedule and unpacking his and Saruhiko’s things. There was hardly time to think about anything else, until there were no more boxes left to unpack.
There’s still empty space. In fact, there’s a lot of it.
Even between the two of them, apartment living left them with fewer things than they needed to completely fill the shelves. Within that space, Misaki’s imagination runs wild trying to fill it. Despite his best efforts to put it out of his mind, he can still see exactly where the toy box would go in the living room and where they’d store the highchair outside of meal time. He can imagine the sprawling floor space filled with forgotten toys, the sound of laughter upstairs.
Everytime he catches himself humoring such thoughts, he quickly and firmly shuts it down. It had to just be stupid omega instincts or something. A reaction to moving and having a space with his alpha that was their own. He can’t imagine himself as a dam, it just doesn’t make any sense! Misaki Yata, stuck at home trying to spoon feed weird smooth food into a pup's mouth that could only babble and piss? Yeah, maybe in hell.
~><~
So, with that in mind, he really had no excuse for standing in the baby clothes section of the department store.
He was supposed to be grocery shopping. He is grocery shopping! It's simply faster to get to the toiletries by cutting through the clothing section! It’s not his fault they made the baby clothes display so cute and eye-catching! How else were they supposed to push their products?
Of course, Misaki knows how weak of an excuse that is. It’s only been a week or two since the thought of pups first crossed his mind, and yet, despite his best efforts, it never seems to fully leave him alone.
He hadn’t brought it up to Saruhiko.
How could he? All of the ice breakers he came up with to ease into the conversation sounded so… Phony and fake. Always skirting around the topic; never really getting to the point. If he tried any of them, Saruhiko would immediately catch on to what was on his mind and somehow that was worse than just saying it to his face.
Then there’s the anxiety of what his reaction to the information his mate was incessantly thinking about pups would even be. Misaki could picture it now; the horror on his alpha’s face, his steady scent souring with disgust and anxiety. It would turn into an argument, of course it would. If Saruhiko made that face in regards to something so important —
Not that Misaki even wants to start a family right now, but he’s an omega! Of course it’s important to his base instincts and… Imagining Saru rejecting him in any capacity always makes his stomach churn.
So he hasn’t brought it up to Saruhiko. So what? It’s not like he needs to know-
“Misaki? What the hell are you doing over here?”
The redhead nearly jumps out of his skin at the sound of his mate’s voice.
“Saru! Uh- n- nothing! Just uh- taking a shortcut to the shampoo and stuff!” he stumbled, face flushing an indicting shade of red as he conspicuously hides the onesie he was inspecting behind his back. ‘ Fuck fuck fuck that was so obvious fuck-’
Saruhiko’s eyes dart up and down, observing his tense shoulders and the sweat beginning to bead along his brow. “... Right. So are you waiting to be suddenly teleported over there or…” he trails off, cocking a brow over the rim of his glasses.
“Uh- right! Sorry uh- yeah you- you go ahead real quick I need to uh- put something back.” Misaki swallows thickly, begging his mate to just drop it and let it go. Naturally, he’s never so lucky.
Saruhiko’s eyes narrow, his inquisitive gaze sharpening into one of scrutiny. “What are you putting back?”
Panic. Full-blown panic. Shit. He can’t find out about this! Time to pull out the tried and true: get angry.
“ Nothing! Geez Saruhiko, what’s your problem? You don’t have to leer over my shoulder all the time you know! Just go to the stupid shampoo aisle and I’ll meet you there, it isn’t that hard!”
Jerking back at the omega’s harsh tone, Saruhiko quickly smooths out his face into one of icy neutrality and clicks his tongue.
“ Fine. I don’t know what crawled up your ass in the time I took to hunt you down but do me a favor and extract it before you manage to actually piss me off,” he hisses before storming away.
Internally, Misaki wilts. Pulling the onesie from behind his back to gaze at the pattern of dogs and cats across the purple background, he can’t help but glare at it. Maybe if this pattern wasn’t so cute or- maybe if it wasn’t the perfect color then none of this would’ve happened!
Of course, Misaki knows it isn’t the onesie’s fault, not really. It’s his, for not being able to curb these stupid instincts. They don’t need a family, they already are a family! A kid would just… complicate things and… cause unnecessary stress on them both.
His heart is still cold in his chest when he hangs the article of clothing back on the rack.
~><~
The rest of the shopping trip was abysmal.
The air between them was so thick with tension that Misaki could cut it with a knife. Any of his attempts to break the terrible silence was shut down with a dry response or a cold look. Even Saruhiko’s pheromones were tainted with the unmistakable traces of anger and hurt. Misaki couldn’t help but curl into himself in return.
Saruhiko had locked himself in his office basically as soon as they got home, muttering something about unfinished work. Misaki had barely restrained himself from throwing their groceries at the wall.
He was an adult now. No time for such petty displays of shame and anger.
He was the one who was unnecessarily harsh in an attempt to save face, which meant he should be the one to apologize. It was honestly a shame he wasn’t better with words, he was sure if he had half the vocabulary of his partner they would’ve been able to settle this in the car ride home. Instead, acts of service would have to do, and so using their newly acquired ingredients, Misaki set to cooking dinner.
Apron tied tight around his waist, he turns on the radio and gets to work. He chose a rather complicated recipe, definitely not because of the amount of time it will take, so it isn’t long before he’s lost in the gentle rhythm of cooking.
Humming along to the radio, he cuts up the vegetables finer than what’s necessary. He would have to come up with a way for Saruhiko’s veggie avoidance to not rub off on their pups, no way a child of his was going to grow up with a vitamin deficiency! He can’t help but smile as he adds the finely chopped greens into the pot. He wonders what their favorite foods would be… A giggle bubbles up in his throat at the thought of it being something like cucumber salad, but the sensation breaks the spell of calm the kitchen brought him.
Fuck! There he goes again! Losing his train of thought and somehow ending up fantasizing about the stupidest things…
He’s going to have to bring it up to Saruhiko.
He sighs, rubbing at the back of his neck as he scrunches up his nose. He really doesn’t want to. Like, really really doesn’t want to. But maybe it will help? Maybe talking it through with Saruhiko will make it… Easier somehow. More clear. He usually has that effect. Whenever Misaki felt like he was drowning in the whipping thoughts and ideas in his head, Saruhiko was always there to be a grounding rock.
A timer goes off, signaling it’s time for Misaki to begin preparing the meat for the dish. His heart’s slightly settled by the thought of Saruhiko offering a grounded perspective and before he knew it, dinner was done and plated and ready to be served.
“Saruhiko! Food!” he yells up the stairs, waiting with baited breath for the sound of his partner slinking out of the office. The table was already set and ready, portions settled before their usual spots at the table.
Saruhiko trudges downstairs, rubbing at his eyes from underneath his glasses. He takes his seat with enough ease, so Misaki sits down too, anxieties easing further at the lax posture his partner had assumed.
Despite that, the room remains silent except for the tentative sounds of eating. ‘Okay, now or never.’
“Um- Saru-”
“Misaki-”
They both stop, huffing a small laugh at their shared timing.
“You go first.” Saruhiko smiles softly, only for Misaki to quickly shake his head. No way he was going first.
“Nah, you first. I talk enough as is.”
Saruhiko laughs under his breath at that, sending a jolt of warmth running up Misaki’s spine. God, nothing felt as good as making Saruhiko laugh like that, so soft and genuine.
However, the content expression soon melts off the alpha’s face, his scent that had been lazily drifting seemed to darken, his posture going tense. Dread immediately begins to well in Misaki’s chest. What was he about to say? Did he know? Was he going to break the news that he never ever wanted to have pups of their own and that Misaki would just have to bury that dream in the backyard with his other childish hopes?
“Misaki…” he begins, “Is everything okay?”
The omega blinks at his mate.
“Huh?”
Saruhiko gives him an unimpressed stare. “You blew up on me for no reason today, and you’ve been tense ever since we moved. You can’t blame it on the mortgage because you’re not the one paying the majority of it.”
Misaki curses in his head, mouth already open to choke out that very excuse. Embarrassed, he shuts his jaw and looks away before taking a deep breath.
This is it. He has to do this. If he doesn’t bring it up now, there’s no telling when he’ll get another chance.
“Well… The truth is… You see…” he stalls, nervously running his tongue along his bottom lip.
Saruhiko’s frown deepens, “Just spit it out Misaki.”
“Haveyoueverthoughtaboutpups?”
The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them, face reliably responding with a hot burning blush as he keeps his eyes firmly trained on his plate. He desperately awaits Saruhiko’s response, but as the silence continues to stretch between them, he forces himself to look up to gauge the other’s reaction. What he sees makes his stomach drop.
Saruhiko’s face is completely blank, devoid of any and all emotion. Despite this, the grip on his chopsticks is so tight, Misaki can see his knuckles and fingertips turning white. The omega watches as his alpha’s throat works, Adam's apple bobbing as he begins and promptly aborts whatever he was about to say. Even his scent goes quiet, his pheromones carefully reigned in to not give anything away. Fuck.
“Saruhiko, let’s just-”
“Why are you asking me that?”
Misaki can’t hide his wince at the other’s tone. Flat and even, hardly a question at all. Fuck.
“Nothing, it’s nothing. It’s stupid, just forget it,” Misaki quickly backtracks, shaking hands, quickly beginning to clean his spot at the table.
“Misaki, wait-”
“No! No, it’s fine I’m just done! I’m full so I’m just- yeah.” Misaki forces a smile before retreating back into the kitchen with his tail tucked between his legs. He wasn’t really full. He hardly had a bite, but his appetite has vanished, replaced with nauseating rocking.
He knew it. He knew it! Saruhiko would never want pups with him, why would he? It was so stupid, Misaki didn’t even want kids he just- couldn’t stop thinking about them. For some reason. It doesn’t matter what Saruhiko thought about it! It isn’t going to be a possibility in the first place. The affirmations do nothing to stop the tears gathering in his eyes as he scrapes his plate and washes it off on autopilot.
He harshly wipes at the tears. No. Absolutely not. Yearning is one thing, but crying about it? He’s above stuff like that. Now that he has confirmation of his fears theories, it’s time to finally put this rabid dog of a fantasy down. No more, and that’s final.
If he ends up crying about it despite his best efforts in the bathroom before bed, well that’s no one’s business but his own.
~><~
He actually manages to do away with the worst of the yearning.
Sure the house is still emptier than he prefers, and maybe he stops to look at the cribs and booster seats for longer than he would’ve normally, but the fantasies have mostly stopped. All it takes is one reminder of the way that Saruhiko had looked at him over dinner and any warm feelings that begin to glow are promptly doused.
Of course, nothing can possibly work out for Yata Misaki, which is why he’s really regretting coming into work on his off day.
It was a little league baseball team. A group of thirty or something people, including the parents. A newer server might have been overwhelmed, but Misaki breezed through the service with the grace you only get from years of experience.
Running out with the last batch of orders, he settles the final dish in front of the last adult, tucking his tray under his arm and wiping the sweat from his forehead. “ Woo! Okay, that should be everything. If I can get you guys anything else or if you have any problems, just yell for Yata and I’ll be over here in no time!” He smiles, chest heaving with the effort of catering such a large party.
The woman he had just served smiles the widest in return, gently bouncing the bundle in her arms as she thanks him. It’s at her voice that the bundle begins to move.
“Oh- Daisuke…” the woman coos, and that’s the moment Misaki realizes exactly what she was holding.
A pup. Couldn’t be more than six months old. The little thing’s just blinking awake, little face scrunching up as they begin to squirm and writhe. They have a shock of auburn hair, and little chubby fists, and suddenly all Misaki can think about is how exhilarating it must be for their parents to watch them slowly grow into their features.
Noticing his tunnel vision, the dam laughs and adjusts her pup in her arms. “Would you like to hold him?” she asks, green eyes twinkling as Misaki nods dumbly, job and responsibilities forgotten.
He’s probably more careful than needed as the pup is handed over, the weight in his arms foreign and familiar all at once. He’s suddenly ten years old again, holding his little sister Megumi for the first time.
“His name is Daisuke,” says the woman, smiling contently as Misaki quietly fawns over her son. “Don’t mind his wriggling, he can be fussy.”
But Misaki realizes he wouldn’t care even if Daisuke decides to spit up all over his uniform. The young boy has opened his eyes, taking in the face of the stranger holding him in wonder. They’re the same green as his dam’s.
“He’s beautiful,” Misaki whispers, quickly blinking away the water gathering in his eyes as he hands back the pup.
“Thank you. He was a difficult pregnancy, but he ended up looking just like his Sire! I don’t have a single complaint to give.” She beams, face glowing as she gently comforts Daisuke in her arms, unaware their smiles are the same.
Misaki grins back at her, the sounds of the restaurant trickling back in and reminding him of his job. He quickly excuses himself to go check in on his other tables, bowing and giving a final ‘thank you’ to the woman before darting off. However, afterwards, his thoughts continue to circle around the woman’s words while he works.
‘He ended up looking just like his sire!’
In the quiet of his car, finally clocked out and weary, he allows himself just a moment to imagine everything he’s been so desperately trying to hold back.
He imagines a pup that looked exactly like Saruhiko, all raven hair and delicate features, but with the unmistakable golden eyes Misaki inherited from his mother. He imagines them growing up, starting as an angry wrinkled up newborn and slowly but surely learning all the skills they’d need to be successful in life. He imagines their first steps, their first day of school and all the other unpleasant things too - like their first tantrum and much later, their first heartbreak. He wonders what they would end up presenting as. An alpha like their sire? An omega like their dam?
He imagines bringing them to HOMRA for the first time, and the way his pack would coo and gush over their adorable pouty expression. He could practically see the pride in Kusanagi’s eyes and hear the rambunctious laughter of Kamamoto and Chitose. He wonders how Mikoto-san would’ve reacted; imagines all the videos and pictures Totsuka would’ve wanted to take.
His heart bleeds like an open wound, pulsing with want so deep it felt like someone plucking at the strings of his core. This isn’t just basic omega instincts, he’s pretty sure it never was. This is much, much more.
He wants a pup, and not just any pup, he wants Saruhiko’s pup. Wants nine months of bullshit mood swings and weird food cravings and swollen feet. Wants sleepless nights comforting his newborn, still so new to the world. Wants to deal with tantrums and heartbreak alike. He can’t deny it anymore. He wants to be a dam and everything that comes along with it.
He just hopes that maybe, Saruhiko will want the same.
~><~
Misaki is barely awake as he registers the emptiness of the spot next to him. Almost unconsciously, he throws an arm out to pat the space, searching for his mate and his warmth. The spot is unnaturally cold. He almost writes it off as nothing more than Saruhiko taking a long bathroom break when he realizes Saruhiko’s scent is completely absent from their bed.
Blinking away the remainders of sleep, he allows his eyes to adjust to the darkness of their shared bedroom. Saru’s scent shouldn’t have faded from just a trip to their bathroom. In fact, the scent shouldn’t have faded at all, unless somehow Saru managed to strip, clean, and then replace the sheets while Misaki slept. Scanning the room for a sign of his mate, Misaki registers just how cold their house was. His breath materializes in front of him as crystalized clouds. He shivers, and then pulls the blankets off the bed and around his shoulders to begin his search.
Except as soon as his feet touch the icy carpet, a shrill cry begins to echo throughout the halls.
Instantly, his blood turns to ice, panic searing through his chest. Everything in him screams to check on the source, forcing him from his bedroom before he’s even aware he’s moving. He falls through the door frame, the crying growing louder now that he’s in the open hall. He jerks his head to the left, but his vision lurches, stomach rolling as the corridor stretches endlessly before him.
‘She’s hurt. She’s in danger,’ his instincts stress, pressing against the inside of his chest as if trying to reach the source before his body could. His feet pound against the carpet in time with the pounding of his frantic heart. He doesn’t even know who ‘she’ is, and all the same he knows he has to protect her.
And yet no matter how fast he runs , no matter how hard he pushes, the hallway continues to stretch and he gets no closer to his goal.
“Please!” he shouts in desperation, begging the hallway to quit its twisting already as tears gather in his eyes. As though responding to his plea, the floor flattens and stretches in a nauseating return to normalcy. Finally before the door to the office, Misaki wastes no time in throwing it open, rushing inside with shaking legs.
He barely processes the nursery around him as he falls against the crib innocently placed beneath the large window. The screaming is impossibly loud now, the unmistakable shrieks of a pup desperate for its caretakers. Misaki can feel the tears running down his face, his breathing choked and panicked as he rushes to pull the sheets that seem endlessly wrapped around the squirming child inside.
‘She’s suffocating,’ he panics, ‘That’s why she’s crying. She’s suffocating.’
But when he finally tears the last layer separating him from the dying pup, the endless screaming stops and the blankets go limp in Misaki’s arms. There is nothing inside, the squirming pup disappearing right before she could be saved.
The creaking of the door as it opens makes him turn, a new kind of fear beginning to paralyze his bones. He braces himself for the worst, knowing that whatever is behind him will be enough to curdle his blood, only to instead be greeted with the comforting silhouette of his mate.
“Saru-!” he’s gasping in relief before the full scene and all its details can register in his mind. Saruhiko does not react to the sound of Misaki’s voice. He doesn’t even blink. His eyes are firmly trained on the bundle in his arms, chest unmoving as though scared to draw breath. But his face. Oh, his face.
It’s one of true and utter horror. Pale and fearful, Saruhiko looks down at the pup in his arms as though it was the devil itself.
“I didn’t..” Saruhiko whispers, swallowing thickly as he forces his eyes away from the pup and onto his mate, “I didn’t want this.”
Misaki’s heart shatters, and then he wakes up.
“Saruhiko!” he shoots up, name already on his tongue before he can even fully register the room around him. He’s vaguely aware of how fast his heart is beating and that he’s panting for breath, but it’s all consumed by the need to ensure his mate is there beside him.
“What?” Saruhiko grumpily responds, turning over to squint at Misaki through the dark, “Do you have any idea what time- Oof!” Misaki doesn’t allow his mate to finish, practically falling onto him with the speed he surges into the others arms.
Surely feeling the trembles wracking his frame and the sour smell of panic drenching his clothes, Saruhiko gently folds the other into a proper embrace with Misaki’s head tucked under his chin.
“Are you okay?” he asks softly, one hand beginning to stroke the hair on the crown of Misaki’s head. The redhead shivers, shrugging weakly as he tries to calm down from the nightmare slowly ebbing away from his mind.
It wasn’t all that scary, if he was being honest. Misaki is used to nightmares of all kinds of varieties. Saruhiko being brutally murdered in front of him, Totsuka and Mikoto barraging him with endless disappointment from beyond the grave, even normal ones like hiding from a terrifying monster. It was routine, for a time, and while they had been getting better, Misaki’s comfortable with saying they were still common.
Still, the look of absolute disgust on Saruhiko’s face as he looked at their daughter.
Misaki has to bite back a sob.
“Any chance of going back to sleep or do you want to make tea and sit in the living room?” Saruhiko asks quietly. That’s also routine; Misaki isn’t the only one with nightmares after all. Sometimes one of them would have a dream that was just… too much, and so late night couch time was invented. Even though it was initially a way to avoid sleeping and to kill time, eventually they ended up falling asleep on the couch instead after a few hours of gentle conversation.
This dream wasn’t bad enough to require late night couch time, however, so Misaki clears his throat and finally finds it in himself to speak, “I think I can get back to sleep but just… Could you hold me?” Misaki forces himself not to feel embarrassed after the question is uttered. They’ve been mates for three years now goddammit, there’s nothing embarrassing about wanting to be held after a bad dream!
Saruhiko responds by hugging Misaki just that much tighter, placing a kiss on his hairline before burying his face entirely in the other’s hair. Misaki just breathes in the comforting scent of Oud and reminds himself that Saruhiko is here and that he always would be. They had made a promise, after all, and then sealed it with matching bite marks that get renewed every year. Saruhiko isn’t going anywhere.
Maybe that’s the thought that finally gives Misaki enough courage to finally ask.
“Saru if… Would you ever want to have pups? One day? Not tomorrow or some shit but just… In general?”
It’s silent for just a moment before Saruhiko sighs, one hand running up and down Misaki’s spine comfortingly.
“Go to bed, Misaki. We’ll talk about this in the morning.”
~><~
They don’t talk about it in the morning.
Or the next day.
Or the day after that.
Misaki resigns himself to face the truth. Saruhiko isn’t interested, or potentially against, having kids. Either way, there’s no point in hurting himself by fantasizing or hoping or dreaming about being a dam and what it would be like to raise a pup of his own. It’ll be fine. Maybe in a few years Saruhiko would find it in himself to ask, but until then, Misaki will keep his mouth shut. He isn’t going to create a rift between them. He can control his wants.
He’s already failing miserably at this when he works the worst shift of his life.
He knew it was going to be a bad night as soon as one of his strongest servers called out sick. Being down a person would be bad enough, but of course it was stacked on top of the debut of new menu items and half priced desserts. They were slammed.
In a desperate attempt to ease some of the work off of his remaining servers, Misaki took to his roots and began to serve tables on top of his other duties. He quietly thanked Saruhiko for packing him a quick dinner when it was time to take his ten, complete with an unopened energy drink just in case.
He’s shaky, sweaty, and a little overwhelmed when he sees them.
They’re a family, just a dam, a sire, and their pup. Misaki can’t describe the parents if he tried, his eyes immediately locking onto their child.
She’s gorgeous. Laughing brightly at something her dam had said, her eyes are an almost terrifyingly familiar shade of blue. Her hair is a shiny, inky black but the determined way she moves to grab something from her sire’s hand shows the personality that betrays her gentle features.
The thought comes to him unbidden, ‘That’s what ours would look like.’
It rings through his head like the ominous tolling of a bell, reverberating in his skull, circling over and over inside his brain. The next thing he knows he’s in the walk-in freezer, door clanging shut behind him. He at least has the decency to cover his mouth before he begins to scream.
Dammit, dammit, dammit!!! Why is he so stuck on this!? Why can’t he let it go!? Why does he want this so fucking bad!? It isn’t fair! He had never wanted pups before! Fulfilling such a cliche omega stereotype makes his skin crawl. Plus, pregnancy? Hello? Scary! The definition of scary! But…
He’s sure if the pregnancy was hard, Saruhiko would be there to take care of him. Saruhiko would poke fun at his weird cravings while delivering a plate of whatever Misaki had requested to him in bed. Saruhiko would rub his feet and carry his things and-
Augh!!!!!
Humiliatingly, he had to beg for forgiveness after storming off the floor, face red from embarrassment and desire alike. There was no way in hell he was telling anyone about what had set him off enough to make him fume in the walk-in freezer for an entire five minutes. He thinks he would rather die.
He knows he needs to talk about it fully with Saruhiko.
The thought sends an electric pulse of anxiety through his core no matter how many times he tries to rationalize it. He doesn’t actually know what Saruhiko is thinking, and he won’t if they don’t actually talk. His attempts at breaking the ice and getting the conversation started in the past gave him a pretty good idea of how it would go, but maybe the official ‘not anytime soon’ coming from Saruhiko’s mouth will help. A taste of reality to knock him out of his hellish daydreams.
But when he gets home, he's tired and beat and just wants a shower and to sleep. The conversation gets pushed off for another day. And then another. And then another. And then it’s been a week since Misaki saw that family at his job, but the mental picture is just as clear and crisp and his heart is just as soft and conflicted.
~><~
He doesn’t know what to do. He goes to Kusanagi.
Vaguely, he’s aware of how pitiful he must look, slinking into HOMRA late enough in the day that the sun is beginning to set. It doesn’t make him stand up any straighter or slouch any less when he sits down at his favorite stool.
“What’s wrong Yata-chan?” Kusanagi asks nicely, already placing a glass of water next to the crumpled form of his friend.
Instead of answering, Yata asks a question of his own. “Have you and Awashima-san thought about having pups?”
The reaction is instantaneous, Kusanagi rears back, choking on the smoke from his cigarette in the process. He doubles over, hacking and coughing as Misaki worriedly scrambles to try and help.
“I’m so sorry Kusanagi-san! I probably should’ve warned you first!” he quickly apologizes, hands waving about as Kusanagi straightens, wiping the tears from his eyes.
“Geez, you think?” the older man snorts, voice still raspy causing him to clear his throat once more. “But why ask something like that all of a sudden? I thought you said you weren’t thinking about that stuff right now?”
Misaki sighs, slumping onto the bar to hide his face in his arms. “I wasn’t , but then… I don’t know, the house is… empty . I started filling in the blanks and- and now I can’t stop thinking about it! I don’t… I can’t talk about something like this with Saruhiko if I haven’t actually thought it through because he’s weird about family and relationships and stuff but I’m going in circles by myself! Please Kusanagi, tell me you’ve dealt with stuff like this before!”
Kusanagi is silent for a breath before smiling fondly and exhaling from his nose in amusement. “You know Seri’s an alpha right? I’m a beta. We can’t have pups.”
Misaki shoots up from his hunched position as soon as the words are out of Kusanagi’s mouth. “Oh- Oh shit! Sorry I didn’t even think about that! Geez that’s so-”
“ Hold on Yata, I’m not done.” Kusanagi stops his apology with a laugh. “Seri’s an alpha, however , you’re in luck. You aren’t the first person who’s come to me for advice about this particular topic, and this time, I can actually give advice sourced from my own experience, so go ahead. What exactly has you running in circles?”
Misaki lets out a sigh of relief, before steepling his fingers in thought. “Well… I guess it’s just… I feel like Saruhiko is gonna shoot me down no matter what I say. I’ve tried to bring it up a few times and he just- He avoids it! Or- or looks at me in a way that makes me just wanna drop it. I feel like if we actually talked about it, I would end up saying the wrong thing or making the wrong argument and then any hope of kids later down the line would be ruined. I just… I like the idea of having a family.” He feels his cheeks flame an embarrassing shade at the admission. He clenches his eyes tightly to fight off the desire to bail out of this conversation.
“Hm, that’s not entirely surprising. You were always very sweet with Anna-chan growing up, and from what little I know about Saruhiko’s history, I get why you feel he would be so against expanding your family. Fushimi-kun doesn’t exactly have a good role model for what a sire is meant to be. How long have you wanted to expand?”
“Well, It’s always been a dream of mine to own a house and eventually have a decently sized family…” Misaki admits quietly, “I just- I never thought it would actually be possible! Alpha’s were all cheap, knot-brained assholes and me? Buying a house? With no high school diploma? All my loyalties were with HOMRA and Mikoto-san I didn’t- That was just a guilty pleasure pipe dream. It wasn’t… It wasn’t supposed to become real but now it’s like… Shit, Kusanagi, it feels like it’s right at my fingertips. I feel like it’s all I’ve been thinking about for months.” He turns away, gaze shifting instead to the stained glass window over the old ratty couch no one can bring themselves to throw away.
“But I feel… bad. About thinking about it. Saruhiko has never hinted at wanting a family. In fact, he’s almost hinted at the opposite. When we first met, one of the first things we bonded over was hating the expectations we had put on us because of our secondary genders. I’d bitch about people treating me like some pathetic flower and he’d bitch right back about guys shoving him around expecting him to play ball, and just knowing that, you can read the writing on the wall.
“When we got together the first time, we didn’t do labels or mating bites, we didn’t do normal. There was a connection, and that’s all that mattered, and in full rejection of society's expectations we were never going to curl up in some shitty love nest and claim each other. Now look at us. We renew our bond every year, Kusanagi-san.” he groans, dragging his hands down his face.
“And why is that so bad?” the older man asks, putting out the cigarette he had smoked down to the filter in the ashtray.
“I don’t know! I just… Our relationship is so… Typical now! And I- I don’t mind it but what if he does? What if I've been slowly smothering him ever since we reconnected and asking about pups is going to be the final nail in the coffin I didn’t even realize I was building? I know that I've changed a lot over the past couple of years but what if that’s enough? What if he runs away in the middle of the night without even a note? But- I don’t know if I’d be okay with us never having pups, which means I have to risk it but If he really, truly didn’t want to ever then-” Misaki can’t stop the growing feeling of anxiety in his gut. He wouldn’t survive it if he and Saruhiko had to separate again.
“Well Yata-chan.” Kusanagi straightens, leaning against the counter behind the bar while he lit a new cigarette. “You realize you aren’t the only one who’s changed, right? Sure you and Saruhiko were defined by your lack of definition in your teenage years, but you’ve both grown up quite a bit since then. I think it’s normal for your desires to shift as you get older. Sixteen-year-old me wanted different things from twenty-five-year-old me, same as how twenty-five-year-old me wanted something different from me now. We grow as people, it’s what makes us human. The Saruhiko I see today is miles away from the one that flinched at even the hint of commitment. I think if you talk to him about it, it’ll go better than you’re expecting.”
There it is again. Change. Misaki doesn’t know how to feel about that either. How much can someone change before they aren’t themselves anymore? Misaki still feels like himself, but in some ways, he’s a different person. An older version of Misaki would never have decided on a house over an apartment. An older version of Misaki would never have unironically thought about having kids.
But an older version of Misaki also never would’ve forgiven Saruhiko. An older version of Misaki would never have accepted the happiness he’s found in stability.
In that same vein, an older version of Saruhiko would’ve refused to eat dinner with any vegetables no matter how finely chopped, and he certainly wouldn’t have held Misaki close in the night and rubbed his back after a nightmare. An older version of Saru would’ve rather died than kiss Misaki goodbye before work or hold back his frustrations, and he wouldn’t have acknowledged any sign there was a problem before just assuming the worst and disappearing.
With all that in mind, maybe talking to Saruhiko about starting a family won’t end in such a nuclear disaster.
“You seem to have reached a conclusion.” Kusanagi smirks, finally smothering the final butt of his cigarette in his ashtray. Misaki blinks and looks up before hesitantly nodding.
“Yeah, I think I have.”