Chapter Text
Charlie is pacing the room. Knox is sitting in a chair next to the bed where Todd is sitting up (despite his dizzy head begging him to lie down). None of them say a word.
Charlie's steps give a steady rhythm to Todd's erratic thoughts
Step, step, step-
So Neil died.
Step, step, step-
But he's here.
Step, step, step-
In PPTH.
Step, step, step-
What do those letters stand for again?
Step, step, step-
That's irrelevant.
Step, step, step-
He looks the same.
Step, step, step-
Did Todd look the same?
Step, step, step-
Not really.
Step, step, step-
Obviously he's older.
Step, step, step-
He has facial hair now.
Step, step, step-
Also irrelevant.
Step, step, step-
Or is it? Todd worked hard on his beard resembling scruff.
Step, step, step-
Yep, definitely irrelevant.
Step-
Out of nowhere Todd just leaps out of the hospital bed, surprising his friends (and quite frankly, himself) in the process.
The quick movement makes him see black and he groans in pain. Knox and Charlie rush to his side, trying to force him to lay back down.
"No, you- Neil's alive!"
Todd is struggling against their soothing.
"Todd, please just sit down." Charlie pleads.
"He's alive! That's a good thing!"
"Yes, but… We had a funeral, it's… We have to…"
Thoughts of the funeral come back to Todd alongside a wave of nausea. He throws up on the floor and sobs, curling up on the bed. He is so physically and mentally drained. Knox mutters a soft curse and goes to get a nurse.
Welton didn't hold a funeral for Neil, the school just tried to shove the whole thing under the rug. The dead poets were also very unwelcome at the one his parents organized. They had a funeral of their own instead. Charlie got them vodka, and each read the most morbid poems they could find. It didn't go very well – they just yelled at Cameron most of the time (he only deserved some of it).
Charlie wipes Todd's mouth with a napkin. He sits next to him on the mattress, causing the springs to creak. Charlie wraps a hand around his shoulders and Todd feels like a grieving boy again.
Knox returns with a nurse in tow. She glares at them, but her face softens when she sees the two men crying.
She cleans up the vomit, replaces the bucket, and even asks Todd whether she can "get you anything, sweetheart?" to which he replies with a shake of his head.
After the nurse leaves, Knox collapses on the foot of the bed theatrically. As he lays there on his back he covers his face with his palms, elbows pointing towards the too-bright fluorescent light.
"We need a game plan." Charlie says, willing to jump into this head first, as always.
"A game plan? That's a pretty big name. We just need to find Neil and then…" Knox trails off, because none of them actually knows what then.
"All I know is…" Todd begins, his voice is hoarse. "All I know is, that Neil, he's alive. That… That has to mean… something."
Knox is peeking from between his fingers and looks at Charlie. They are both having a mental conversation that Todd is clearly not invited to.
"Todd," Charlie says gently after some silence. "Were you in love with him?"
The question is far too big for the calm manner in which it had been asked. It floats around the room, and Todd is confused. Charlie is asking whether he was once in love with his best friend, his roommate, a boy they all loved and Todd had no right to fall for. A question like that is supposed to change the entire texture of the air, it's supposed to make his friend take his arm away, and it's supposed to make some kind of… Todd doesn't know… an explosion?
Todd has no idea what he was expecting. Or, well, maybe he has too good of an idea. None of it changes the fact that when he replies: "Yeah.", the world doesn't end.
**
Todd had figured out he was "different" long before he ever got to Welton. He didn't always know the reason for it, but once he learned the term "homosexual", it became pretty clear.
So he did what every 13 year old boy on the verge of a sexuality crisis did: shoved it deep down and resolved to never address it.
That plan fell flat when he met Neil Perry. He was 15, and something awoke in him. Suddenly, he understood what all the boys around him meant when they talked about girls. He understood the fuss over crushes and butterflies in your stomach. It was so cliché, so pathetic, and yet he couldn't seem to get enough of it.
Neil was beautiful – absolutely breathe taking. Back then Todd was ashamed to think him pretty – It was feminine, and ridiculous– But as he struggled to fall asleep at night, listening to his friend's steady breaths, he could admit to himself that, if boys can be beautiful, the proof of that is lying in the bed across from his.
Sometimes he let himself believe that Neil felt the same. When he kept catching his friend staring at him during class, when they walked side by side on their way to the cave with their hands almost touching, when Neil kept telling him nice things. He was always so kind. Todd had never been treated this kindly before.
They kissed once. It was on Todd's birthday. Both boys couldn't stop giggling on their way from the bridge to their dorm room. They could hear Dr. Hager yelling at the "disregard that kids show towards school grounds", not suspecting bright Neil Perry and reserved Todd Anderson at all. Once they reached their room they could finally let out genuine laughs.
Todd smiled so hard his mouth hurt. He couldn't remember the last time he was happy on his birthday. Neil was the most incredible person he'd ever known. Light hearted, warm, welcoming, accepting. As Todd listed all his friend's positive qualities, his eyes wondered towards him.
When Neil noticed him looking, his eyes and smile softened. Todd was in awe. He mapped out every inch of Neil's face, and the latter just watched. He'd long ago come to find that his favorite detail in the brunette's face was the tiny little beauty mark on his chin. As Todd's eyes landed on his lips, they parted, and the smile disappeared.
Disappointed, Todd looked at Neil's eyes, but they didn't meet his gaze. Instead, they were focused on his own lips. Before the anxious boy could bite them, his friend approached him. All laughter was gone now. The air was tense, and Todd forgot how to breathe. Neil kept getting closer and closer. He then pressed his lips onto Todd's. It was so soft, and undemanding, questioning.
Todd forgot to move, forgot to react, to reciprocate. And then it was too late. Neil took a step back, huffed a humorless laugh and left the room.
Todd slowly sunk to his bed, he cried, cursing his fucked up brain for fucking it up. Out of fight or flight, his useless body chose freeze.
Neil came back right before lights out. They didn't speak to each other, and the next morning everything was normal again. They never acknowledged the kiss, and it was killing Todd inside. Because for at least one second, Neil thought that he, Todd Anderson, was good enough for him, and what did his pathetic excuse for an existence do? Proved him wrong.
But Neil kept looking at him like that, and Todd kept looking away.
During Puck's final monologue in "Midsummer Night's Dream", Todd became overwhelmed with his feelings. He saw his best friend up on the stage where he belonged and something bubbled in his chest. It was an intoxicating cocktail of pride, and love, and hope. In his mind, he had decided that if Neil can be this brave, so can Todd.
The plan was to confess his feelings later that night. The dead poets were supposed to have a meeting to celebrate their friend's achievement. Todd planned to wait until the early hours of the morning, when it was just the two of them in their dorm room.
He was so nervous, but buzzing with excitement while he waited to greet Neil as he exited the theater. But then – Well, we all know what happened then.