Chapter Text
“Alright, kid, this is the last of them.” Han announced, dropping the last of the sloppily taped boxes onto the pile just inside the door. Ben stood inside the apartment, taking it in. For the first time in his life he was actually going to be on his own, even if his parents were paying his bills and he was basically required to call his mom once a week, it was a freedom he’d never had before. Convincing them that he was in fact stable enough to be allowed on his own had been a feat of its own, surviving would be nothing after that.
“Thanks, Hanㅡdad.” Ben corrected himself awkwardly as his mother huffed her way through the door, a laundry basket of Ben’s stray possessions perched on her hip. She set the basket down and pulled Ben into a hug, he was over a foot taller than her, and never felt larger than when he was wrapped in his mother’s arms. “This is such a big step for you, Ben,” she whispered to him, her arms around his neck, “I’m so proud of you.” Ben cleared his throat, he wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He patted his mother’s back in what he hoped was a comforting gesture before pulling back. Leia stepped back, leaning into her husband, grasping his hand and looking up at him with worried eyes. Ben watched the exchange uncomfortably, in addition to being rather uninterested in physical affection himself, he quite disliked seeing others engage in it.
“Alright, I should, uh, probably get started unpacking.” He said uncertainly, hoping his parents would get the hint that he wanted desperately to be alone. The entire day had been exhausting so far, both physically and mentally, and he wanted nothing more than to spread out on the floor with his laptop and a cup of chai. “Of course.” Leia answered, once again stepping towards him but this time, thankfully, only taking his hands in hers, “Call if you need anything, hell, call if you don’t need anything, okay? I want to know you’re okay. And make sure you go grocery shopping, I can come by and drive you if you want, we’ll go to lunch and make a day of it. And please make sure you get your wi-fi set up because I told Rey she could Skype you later this week, and you know how she gets when she’s let down..” Ben nodded, though he only got half of the overwhelming amount of information his mother had dumped on him. “Don’t do anything stupid, alright, kid?” His father said from the door, already half outside, like he couldn’t wait to get away from his son. Ben didn’t mind, he felt quite the same way about the man, the fact that the excessive amount of time they’d spent together that day hadn’t erupted into shouting or violence was a feat in and of itself.
Leia gave his hands one last gentle squeeze before turning and following her husband out the door. Ben closed and bolted the door behind them, letting out a shaky breath. His heart was beginning to slow, but his hands were still damp and shaking. Being around people, regardless of their contribution to his conception, for too long always set him on edge. Anxiety and an edge of uncalled for anger sat heavily in the pit of his stomach. He breathed for a moment, back against the door, before looking down at the boxes stacked next to him. He’d taken the time to label each one carefully, his own bold, tall scribe stared back at him. He looked away from them, steadying himself fully before making his mental progress report. He tried to keep a strong hold on his mind, to avoid that uncomfortable floaty feeling that came with disassociation and also avoid becoming overwhelmed and panicking or lashing out.
The mental report was a trick he’d mostly created himself, though the basis had come from his short-lived stint in therapy. His therapist had encouraged him to “feel his emotions” which he had no real interest in doing, but she had also tried to explain to him that there was a healthy mid point between feeling nothing and feeling everything. He’d yet to find this healthy mid point, and mostly hovered on the feeling nothing side (as long as he didn’t count anxiety or emptiness). He thought for a moment, actually allowing himself to dwell on some of the events of the day before stating quietly to himself, “Progress Report: Nothing is wrong, I am not overwhelmed, I can do this on my own.” He lied to himself a bit, which some part of him felt defeated the purpose of the progress report, but it came out of his mouth so easily that he figured he could let it slide, just the once.
He dropped to the floor after a few moments, half crawling to the center of the room and yanking the first box into his lap. He had labelled it ESSENTIALS, inside was his laptop and all its assorted paraphernalia, his phone charger and headphones, a chipped ceramic mug that read Dad knows a lot, but Grandpa knows everything!, a moleskine, and a small glass pipe. He pulled his computer out and powered it on, setting it in the center of the living room floor before standing up to rifle through the box labelled KITCHEN. He dug around for a moment before pulling out his kettle. His mother had bought it for him a month before he was due to leave, insisting that it would be so much easier than always heating his tea in the microwave. He’d shoved it to the back of his closet, sure he’d never have use for it, until he started packing and planning and realized he didn’t really have any other options. It was annoying how often his mother was right.
In the kitchen he fiddled with the taps for a couple seconds, they were shaped differently than the ones at homeㅡhis parents house, he corrected his thinking, he was home. After setting the kettle on the stove (which was also quite different than the one at his parents house) he reentered the living room, dropping once again to the floor and pulling his computer to rest on the edge of his crossed knees. He pulled up his blog and reopened the articles he had been reading the previous night, before clicking open his instant messenger. A little 5 sat next to the only chat he had, he clicked it open and quickly scrolled through the messages, he, thankfully, hadn’t missed anything too important.
The chat contained the people who Ben considered his closest friends, 6 people he’d never met in person and admittedly knew very little concrete information about. He knew quite a bit about them mentally though, it sometimes felt as though they understood the inner workings of his brain even better than he did himself. The thought of most people knowing him that way brought a mixed bag of fear, anger, and annoyance, yet he was somehow comforted in thinking that they could understand him.
Kylo is online
Kylo: finally alone
Aries: how is it? lonely?
Cen: how did it go w/ ur mom & dad?
Kylo: not lonely, relaxing
Kylo: mom was fine, a bit overbearing
Jax: BORING
Kai: Shut up, Jax, Kylo is in a difficult place right now.
Kylo: it’s not difficult!
Rek: lmao, stp tryn 2 b his dad kai
Sola: somebody has to
Cen: kylo, how is the new place?
Jax: GAME SYSTEM SET UP YET?
Kylo: not yet
Kylo: new place is good, small and dark
Rek: jst how u lik it rite, u emo fuck? lol
Aries: i have to go, text me later kylo
Aries is offline
The messenger pinged several times a second for the next few minutes as Ben brought his friends up to date on his move, he’d spoken to them that morning yet it felt like they had days worth of events to speak on. The kettle whistled from the next room and he tore himself from the screen with great effort to brew his tea. When he sat back down at his computer there were four entire screens of chat to scroll through. His phone buzzed then, as he read Jax’s enthusiastic retelling of his latest Death Star campaign. He had three texts from his mother, one of which was actually from Rey, the lack of emojis were the telltale sign that his cousin had commandeered his mother’s phone, he also had a text from Aries and one from Poe (why the stupid asshole who worked with his dad was texting him he didn’t know, probably to gloat about how much more Han and Leia loved him). He scrolled through them all and responded with monosyllabic answers to his mother and Rey, ignored Poe, and typed out his previous progress report to Aries.
The chat died out around one in the morning, until it was only he and Rek firing back and forth links to the weirdest youtube videos they could find.
Rek: tbh idk wtf ths guy was evn tryn 2 do??
Kylo: kill himself, i suppose
Rek: EZer wys 2 do tht, dude
Kylo: i know.
Rek: actlly, no, tht shit is v hrd!!
Kylo: don’t worry, i’m not that far gone yet
Rek: u bttr fckn not b, im delitful company
Kylo: of course, who would kill themselves when rek the great is around!
Rek the Great: thts the best thng ive evr ben caled
Kylo: don’t let it go to your head
Rek the Greatest: of cors not, cry-lo
Kylo: don’t call me that, asshole
Rek the Greatest: m bad, chk ths 1 out
Rek sent a video of a man smashing various toys with a hydraulic press, which if Ben was being honest was actually more interesting than it was weird. Rek’s comment about suicide made Ben feel a little guilty that his friends had to tiptoe around him, it wasn’t like just the mention of suicide was going to push him to it. Another part of him was thankful, though, that people existed in the world that cared enough about him to avoid things that might hurt him, he’d never even had anyone in his family make that kind of consideration for his wellbeing.
Rek signed off after a few more videos and Ben found himself truly and fully alone. He found he was considerably less anxious than he thought he would be, which was a relief. He scrolled through a few blogs and articles, before realizing it was after four in the morning. He’d made no progress unpacking and had planned to go on a job hunt in the morning, though that seemed unlikely in his current situation. He ended up rolling out one of his comforters on the living room and curling under the other, his head pillowed on his arms as he lie on his stomach, the idea of dragging his mattress into the bedroom and struggling with sheets was much too tiring to bother with. He poked his earbuds in and thankfully fell asleep quickly, the bone deep exhaustion of the day finally setting in.