Chapter Text
I was losing it. For the past few weeks, I have been seeing things… people, places that just couldn’t be real. It started out with sounds that just didn’t fit where I was. Like, last week, I was in the middle of a mall and I heard nature-y sounds, like birds and insects and stuff. Initially, I just shrugged it off as maybe a new-agey store on the level above me that had a noise machine or something like that. But then, I started seeing people in the corner of my eye that disappeared as I turned to look at them.
Sometimes I got a good look at them before they disappeared.
The weirdest part (besides the whole disappearing thing and seeing things.. thing) was that they wore medieval-type clothing, familiar medieval-type clothing. I tried ignoring the visions, but some of them were quite persistent. Like right now, there was a giant qunari wearing an eyepatch staring down at me with his one eyeball. An eyeball that screamed ‘experience’ and made you feel like it could see right down to your deepest, darkest secrets. But I knew I couldn’t be seeing that eye, or the body attached to it. There were several good and logical reasons that I couldn’t be seeing what I was seeing. For the record and my sanity I’m going to try and lay them out:
- Qunari aren’t real. They just aren’t. They inhabit a fictional game world, not the good ol’ U.S. of A. (Let alone Earth).
- This wasn’t just any Qunari, it was The Iron fucking Bull from Dragon Age: Inquisition. So, obviously, I must be imagining it. If I were going to be seeing a Qunari, why would it be this Qunari? Why would I be seeing a Qunari at all? Why not a human? Or elf? Why wouldn’t it be some Qunari that wasn’t featured in a game I had been playing a lot recently? Why wasn’t it Sten? Clearly, he’s an image being regurgitated from my overtaxed brain and put into my perception of reality. It was a familiar character (a character from a game I had been obsessed with lately) manifesting itself as a hallucination caused by too much game playing mixed with a healthy dose of insanity or stress or something.
- Currently, The Iron Bull was intangible. I know because I tried to touch him and my hand went right through (Shh. Don’t ask my why I tried to touch Qunari abs. We all get curious, don’t judge.) Not only was he physically intangible, but he also was visually ghosty. I mean, I could see through him. His image sort of… wavered.
- I was in my underwear. Just to be clear, let me repeat: this Iron Bull could NOT be real because I was in my underwear. Which, consequently, would mean that the first time I met The Iron Bull, I was practically naked. (Not that I am buying into this whole hallucination, see reasons 1-3.)
For all of the aforementioned reasons: Iron Bull is not real. He is not standing in my room. He is not giving me the stink eye. I am not practically nak… oh wait. Yeah. I’m practically naked. That part is real.
It had started when I came fresh out of the shower. I had struggled into my bra and panties, when I heard someone clear his throat. I turned around and gave a courageous squeak and instinctively lunged for my towel.
Guess what? It gets worse. Not only am I sure that Iron Bull had been standing there before I got my undies on, I had, also, been blaring my “DA:I” playlist. Currently, it was playing “Too Sexy for my Shirt.” Ironically, Bull and I were both shirtless. Thanks, Universe! I...uhhh... also may or MAY NOT have been dancing in an… uncouth and suggestive manner while wiggling into my undies. I will never admit it. You would have to torture me before I might even suggest that I would dance around naked to "Too Sexy for my Shirt". 'Cause I’m way too cool for that. Obviously.
Yeah. If you repeat it enough, it will be true, Fred.
“You might be a demon, but at least it’s the kind of demon I could get behind,” he said with a chuckle and suggestive eyebrow waggle.
I threw a hairbrush at him. (Yes, even after I had already established the non-tangible status of his body, I threw a hairbrush at him.)
Even if the brush would have gone harmlessly through him, The Iron Bull could never let that happen. It was a reflex that was ingrained through a lifetime of facing lethal opponents and coming back alive; it was a skill that came from real battle experience. “HEY, what was that for?” he asked with a faux hurt look on his face.
Teasing AND mad dodging skills? While I was practically naked? Awwww hellz nah. “What the hell are you doing here?! No, wait. Don’t answer that. If you answer that I’ll be interacting with a delusion, and I'm not about to go down to crazy town without a fight." Best not to interact with the crazy voices...vision… thing.
There was a bit of a pause while we sized each other up and then, my big mouth opened up again. “Also, I’m not a demon. I’m not nearly vicious enough to be a demon. I also enjoy a wide range of emotions, not just the ones that make you go all ‘ GrrrRRRrr! I’m a demon!’,” I added with an indignant huff and a few lame hand gestures. Oh good, ignoring the crazy lasted for about...2 seconds. You went from ignoring your delusion to giving it a nuanced demon analysis in practically the same sentence. Wonderful start, Fred.
“Yeah, demons do tend to be more about throwing fireballs than hairbrushes,” he quipped.
“Are you making fun of my weapon of choice? You know what? next time a fictional character appears in my room I’ll make sure I have a battleaxe or something ready to hurl at him or her.”
His eyebrow lifted at the words “fictional character” but he covered the movement with a slightly delayed “That’s kinda hot.” I guess he was going to let the fictional character comment slide because he didn’t ask about it. Or... he was waiting to see what other information I might let slip before he starts a true interrogation. If I were a Qunari spy, that’s what I would do. Wow, my imagination is ON POINT with this Iron Bull delusion. Or, in addition to delusional, I’m also paranoid. I even think the voices in my head are out to get me. Awesome.
I think I need a therapist.
Instead of inquiring about my slip-of-the-tongue, Bull moved on to more practical questions “So, if this isn’t the fade, and you aren’t a demon, where am I and what is that noise?”
Huh I had completely forgotten about the music playing in the background. “It’s just my phone,” I replied, and looked blankly back at the Qunari. I was still wary of interacting with the possible delusion (and a little indignant at being mostly naked when meeting aforementioned delusion). Bull continued to stare at me at me while he waited for a more thorough explanation. I reached over and grabbed the phone out of it’s caddy between the speakers and paused the music. I carried the device over to Bull and lifted it up for his inspection.
“Oh, yeah that explains everything, ” He gave me a look that said: ‘explain, or I start swinging this axe around.’
I gave a huff and tried to explain “It’s a device that can re-play recorded musical performances. It can also communicate instantly with people over large distances and capture images and organize your life and... and a lot of other things.” He started giving it the stink eye (WOW, the stink eye from a giant one-eyed Qunari was rather intimidating). He must think it’s some kind of magic “Oh, don’t be like that, Bull. It’s not magic. It’s a.. uhh… a thing that… umm... It's a computer and it generates images and and... it was built out of metal and it has electricity running through it... Electricity was a thing discovered by this guy with a kite... and never mind the kite thing. Do you even have kites? Nevermind. It's a power source, but it doesn't need a mage or the fade or anything. It sort of sits in the battery waiting to be used. But we are getting off topic, a phone it’s a... umm... really complex machine, so complex I can’t really fully explain why it’s not magic,” I finished lamely and gave a frown at my terrible attempt to assuage his fears. Eloquent as always, Fred.
While I was lost in my own contemplation of the intricacies of computers and hardware, I didn’t notice how the Ben-Hassrath’s gaze had intensified.
“How do you know my name?” He had shifted his posture into a more combative one, reaching an arm behind him to grab the hilt of his massive battleaxe.
“Uhh… that is a tough question. But you are intangible and I know you to be a real sweetie,” I hope, “ under all that...” I flailed my arms at him in an attempt to gesture toward his impressive musculature, “Qunari strength, so I’m going to ignore it. Also, I’ll probably never see you again because I’m insane and you aren’t really here.”
He looked like he had a really good rebuttal (and possibly an axe to hurl at my face), but I never got to hear it because The Iron Bull faded out of existence and hopefully, back to his world. No, wait. He doesn’t need to ‘fade back to his world’ he was never really here. He was a figment of an overworked mind. Yeah, that’s gotta be it.
I had hoped that would be the end of it. Ha, hope. What a ridiculous notion.