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He looked lost, holding his head in both of his hands; hair messy pointing everywhere at once. She could tell that Carmy was rehearsing his thoughts, he was whispering to himself and was most probably going to try bringing everything he had out to try to convince her.
He spot her. “Syd,” Carmy said with such intensity, his eyes were big and already shining.
The road was busy, cars and people filled the silence and she frowned, she didn’t want to deal with what she knew was probably coming.
It wasn’t a cloudy night, but it felt like a dark day. Because between each other’s bagages, their bad days, his lack of ability to communicate his feelings and his bad moods, they had covered the sky completely. The sun and moon were completely covered by all their unresolved issues; all their partnership troubles and friction had covered the entire sky, so no light was shining on them anymore.
“I don’t want to do this,” she whispered, closing her eyes and grabbing her keys.
Carmy got up and started to orbit around her, his hands extending to her but not really touching her.
“Please Syd, please let’s talk. Let’s talk, we-we’ll figure it out. Let’s talk,” Carmy said while she opened the door to her house.
She felt her hands shaking while opening the door. “Stop, stop. Stop right now.”
“Syd, please. I’m sorry, I am so sorry. Let me fix this. Please let me-” Carmy begged and his voice sounded so regretful, so full of pain, but her heart was giving up on her. She couldn’t keep doing this, she had to put an end to it.
“Don’t come inside, I don’t want you to come inside,” she said firmly while squeezing her eyes shut.
It wasn’t fair; it wasn’t fair that Carmy was apologizing now and not before. It had been months of pure misery in the restaurant and in whatever their partnership was. It had been months of Carmen snapping at her, ignoring her and making her feel like she wasn't’ worth his time.
“I already told you everything and I’m serious. I’m leaving in two days, I’ll leave Nat everything you need from me…”
“Syd, please, listen to me.”
“...I was going to talk to you tomorrow, but not like this--” she kept talking over him.
He tried to hold her hand but she took a step back. “No, Syd, please.”
“...I don’t want to talk right now, so please go, she said firmly, feeling her chest getting tighter every minute. She didn’t think she would be able to stop herself from crying if Carmy didn’t leave soon.
While she was entering her house, Carmy spat desperate words.
“Sydney, please. I love you."
She froze on the spot. “What?” She asked after some seconds without moving, her entire body was tense and her limbs had started to shake from the pure rage she was feeling.
Now?
That was the moment Carmen actually decided to tell her that he loved her? When she was leaving in two days, when she had finally had enough? When she was exhausted to the bone and drained from how much more she put into their partnership, friendship and business?
She felt exhausted to the bone, cut open and drained from any blood. There was nothing left to give, she didn’t have more inside of her, she was empty in a way that she never felt it could be possible. She had given her all and her entire heart for Carmy and after she decides that it has been enough and she decides that she has to leave, Carmen decides to declare his love for her?
“Syd I love you-”
“Shut the fuck, shut the fuck right now” She said entering her house and throwing her bag against the sofa. She had to take a moment to breathe while gripping the closest furniture while Carmen closed the door.
“Syd.”
“Shut the fuck up Carmen, shut up.” Syd straightened herself up while seeing blurry. Her vision was clouded by tears, and she could hear her heartbeat so loud and clear.
“Now? Now when I finally-when I finally put an end to this…now is when you decide to tell me this? Are you insane?” she asked, choked and her hands trembling violently.
Syd turned around and applied pressure on her eyes, biting her lip and feeling an uncontrollable rage inside of her trying to get out.
“Syd, I’m so sorry, just listen to me for one second please-” Carmy said and she thought how ironic it was.
She had begged Carmen for months to listen to her without any luck.
“I will hire more people, I will fix everything that needs to be fixed. I’ll make everything better for you. I’ll be a hundred percent focussed, you won’t have to worry about that, I swear.”
“I mean it, I lov-” Carmen said getting closer, and she turned around quickly, feeling an explosion come out.
“I loved you like I never loved anything in my fucking life!” She yelled at him, they were so close to each other that she could feel Carmen’s breath on her. “I loved you more than anything.”
She felt so exposed, so vulnerable showing her empty chest like that for Carmy to see.
“I love you too-” Carmen interrupted her.
“No! Not like me.” Syd yelled, frowning and feeling insulted. The extent of Carmy’s love for would never be the same as her love for him.
“I loved you in a way that I didn’t even know it was possible to love,” she confessed, feeling her cheeks get embarrassingly wet. “You’ve been everything to me for four years. I gave you my entire life for four years Carm.”
Carmen's sky blue eyes were staring at her carrying the most heart broken expression.
“You had my entire heart like this,” she said, grabbing his hands and showing his palms. Her hands were shaking so much that she was making Carmy’s hands shake too. Both were looking down to Carmen’s palms.
She then let go of Carmy's hands. “I gave you everything and it wasn’t enough."
“And now you tell me you’ll solve everything...now you tell me that you’ll fix everything. Now you tell me that you love me?”
She had exposed her feelings to Carmy more than once, and each time was equally humiliating. It was so confusing because Carmy didn’t want anything romantic with her yet every time he was panicking he came to her. She was there for him everytime he had struggled all those years, every nightmare, every haunting memory and every hurtful date.
Carmen had kissed her countless times, had seeked her comfort and warmth, but he never said that he loved her. They were just friends and partners that comforted each other’s needs. Just that.
“I fucked up, I know. I-It’s been so unfair to you-” Carmen was struggling with his words after her confession, her eyes full of tears matching hers and his mouth slightly open.
“Yeah, no shit,” She said and turned around hiding a sob. Carmen grabbed her arm and she flinched away but he kept trying to hold her.
“You have no right to do this to me right now,” She said, feeling her rage turn into a deep sadness that was burning a hole in her chest. She hunched and hugged herself, feeling impossibly exposed and small.
She had wanted nothing more than to hear those words come from Carmy's mouth, but not like that, not at athat moment when she had decided that it had been enough.
“You have no right, why are you doing this to me right now?” She kept crying, unable to stop her tears and she felt Carmen’s arms circle her, her back to his chest.
“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry” His voice was breaking and she wanted to have some dignity and get away from his embrace but she didn’t have the strength to do it.
“We can figure this out, please,” Carmy whispered to her.
“There’s no more we, Carmy.” She said feeling her heart shattering into a million pieces.
“There hadn't been a ‘we’ in too much time.” That train had left, the only destination for her was a road in solitude.
Carmy only hugged her harder, and she licked the tears that were falling on her lips. They had the most bitter taste because those tears carried her shattered dreams.
“Syd, please,” Carmy whispered, his voice full of regret. She knew he was remorseful, they had gone through so much together. Everything they had done in four years felt like a decade of exhaustion and unspoken feelings. But Sydney knew that she was a dance without a song in Carmy’s life.
She turned around and wrapped her arms tightly around Carmy’s neck, she felt his arms wrapping around her waist, his fingers gripping the fabric under them.
Her hug was not misinterpreted and Carmy was so desperately hugging her because he knew it was her goodbye hug.
“Syd” Carmen said, holding her impossibly closer. It was so tight that she could barely breathe, her lungs felt like drowning in blood from the wound inside her soft core.
They were both shaking so much that their tremors were almost in sync.
They could never go back in time and give it a try again. They were done, their shot was gone and they had failed, there was no way to fix the situation. Their love and admiration for each other just wasn’t enough. They couldn’t continue in that cycle of keep trying, not when she was so deeply hurt.
“Stop, stop,” she begged, hiding her face on his neck. Breathing him in for one last time.
It had been the two of them for so long. Carmen had been her idol, her role model, who then turned into her business partner and friend and Syd felt like she could touch the sky with her hands from the pure joy that caused.
But she had fallen hard back to the ground, her bones breaking in the process because flying in the skies with Carmy wasn’t safe. Carmen wasn’t reliable, wasn’t available and it got her constantly knocked down. Waking up each day had turned into a chore for her, everything was falling apart around her and she couldn’t do anything to stop it, or at least she felt like that until she realized she could put an end to it.
She had wondered when her dreams would come true, but the real question was when they would inevitably end. It was not destined to happen and she had finally accepted that. The pain was so overbearing that she thought she could actually drop dead in her living room, but deep down she knew it was the right decision. She had been living on hope for too long, so she had finally made peace with the fact that it was never going to happen.
She pulled away from the hug and they stared at each other, face full of tears and snot but he couldn’t care less. She could see in Carmy’s eyes that he realized the severity and finality of the situation, she wasn’t going to change her mind.
Carmen was her right person at the wrong time. Maybe in another life.