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You'll go through changes and I'll go through them too
Don't be afraid now, no don't be afraid, don't be afraid
Cause when the wind takes you it takes me too
When you change colors, I'll change mine too
Try not to think and I will try too
When you let go, I will let go too
Changing Colors – Josh Groban
Early May, 2010
“Hey, babe, what are you up to?”
Cameron looked up from the pad she’d been writing on. She’d been so intent on her task that she never even heard Chris come up to her. “Oh, hi, a ghra!” She tilted her head back to receive Chris’ soft kiss. He deepened the kiss for a moment then pulled back. Cam smiled. “That was nice, love. To answer your question, I’m writing to Siobhan.”
Chris scrunched his face up in thought. Siobhan, Siobhan. The name sounded familiar. He knew it was probably one of Cam’s countless cousins but he couldn’t remember which one or from what side of the family she came. Liam had seven siblings and Isabella had six and they all had a crap ton of kids. There were a lot of cousins in her family.
Cam giggled at Chris’ expression. “Don’t strain yourself, honey. Siobhan is one of the Marines in the family. She’s stationed in Afghanistan. She’s one of Uncle Lucas and Aunt Saoirse’s kids, on my da’s side. You met her when we went to Ireland for New Year’s. She was on leave. Remember now?”
“Oh, yeah. The one who was so disappointed I didn’t have a twin brother hidden somewhere,” Chris laughed.
“Exactly,” Cam confirmed. She tapped her pen against the pad. “I’ve been writing to her at least once a month since she was deployed. She was always into long, newsy letters – and I can’t imagine how lonely she must be in Afghanistan, despite being surrounded by her platoon and such. She says she loves receiving mail from the family.” Cam shrugged. “Dropping her a line every month isn’t that big a deal. You know I like to write.”
“That I do. Besides, it keeps you in that chair and out of trouble.” Chris kissed her again.
“Trouble, right. How much trouble could I possibly get into when I’m often too tired to lift anything heavier than a pen?”
Chris immediately became concerned. “Baby, if you’re tired, do you want me to carry you back to the trailer? You really should try to get some rest. I’m surprised Nurse Linda hasn’t forced you to go back inside.”
Cam shook her head. “Sweetie, sweetie, slow your roll. I’m fine. Chemo went well this morning and I’m not feeling too weirded out right now. Besides, today is a really nice day and I can’t enjoy it cooped up in your trailer, now can I?” She leaned up and gave him a smacking kiss. “I’m fine, a ghra. Truly. Now, don’t you have a scene to finish?” She gave him a saccharine smile.
“Are you trying to get rid of me, wench?” Chris plastered on his affronted my girlfriend is trying to blow me off face.
“No, not really. It’s just that the assistant director is trying to get your attention.”
Chris spun around. Sure enough, the AD was frantically waving him at him. He turned back to Cameron. “You could have told me a little sooner, babe.”
“Sorry, I was lost in your glow,” she said with a smirk. “Go, emote. We’ll chit-chat during your next break. I love you.”
Chris leaned down and gave her another long kiss. “Love you, too,” he said softly as he pulled away. He spun on his heel and jogged back towards the AD. Cam smiled as she watched him go. Lord but that boy had a truly spectacular ass. She shook her head to clear it before it meandered down that particular path then turned her attention back to her letter.
Dearest Siobhan,
I got your latest letter. Glad to hear that everything’s okay in your corner of hell. We heard about some pretty aggressive fighting over there in the past few days but it wasn’t happening in the area your platoon is camped out in. Thank God. According to Mam, Aunt Saoirse was fairly apoplectic until I called to tell her that the fighting wasn’t near you. She has a hard time remembering the names of the towns over there. We’re all just happy that you’re scheduled to come stateside soon. We’re doubly happy that you’ve decided not to re-up. Two tours are enough for anyone, my girl. Now it’s time for you to get yourself into law school, like you promised Uncle Lucas. And, as I promised you, I will gladly cover your tuition so don’t sweat the whole financial aid circus. Go to whatever school strikes your fancy. Now, make sure to keep your head low, okay?
By the way, how are things with that really good looking dude? You know, the one in the group photo you sent me, the one you helpfully circled several times…in red Sharpie? The one who looks an awful lot like Chris…? He’s pretty hot (naturally, if he even remotely looks like my Chris, who is, of course, the hottest man on the planet). So, you getting any? Though, I thought there were some sort of fraternization rules or something. I hope not, for your sake. Be a pity if you couldn’t climb that dude like a tree. Good luck!
Well, as for me, I’m hanging in there. I’m due to finish up this first round of chemo at the end of next week which means I’ll actually have time to spend with my future in-laws and go shopping and do stuff like redecorating parts of the Beacon Hill house. Oh man, I cannot wait. Chemo would have been done at the end of this week but Dr. Shapiro gave me a two week break while I flew to L.A. to attend the festivities for the premieres of Chris’ film, The Losers, and my film, Iron Man 2. I needed to stop the chemo a couple of days before we flew down. Thank God the premieres were within a week of each other. I’m not sure who to thank for that stroke of genius but may God bless them. Made both our lives easier since it was a given that I was going to his premiere and he was coming to mine. They were the first premieres we were attending as a couple. It was just…nice. I was able to kinda, sorta stay in the background during his premiere; his mom was with us so I hung out with her while Chris did his thing in front of the cameras. But, at my premiere – through no fault of his own – he was kind of front and center since everyone knows that he’s about to play Captain America and is going to be a big part of the Marvel franchise. He happily gave me my solo moments and the photo ops with Robert Downey, Jr. but the paparazzi kept calling for him and, of course, RDJ kept dragging him into the photos. It was good, though. It had been a busy week and I don’t have the same stamina you’ve always known me for. I’ve attached some photos I printed out for you of both events. Doesn’t my baby look amazing? I love seeing him in a suit. He is HAWT, cousin o’mine. And no, he still doesn’t have a twin brother hidden away somewhere. Go climb that Marine-tree and get over it. ;-)
So, we got back to Boston on April 30th; Chris jumped right back into filming and I wound up back in chemo on May 1st. No, I don’t get weekends off. My current chemo schedule is Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. I have physical evaluations and counseling on Mondays. It’s not unlike having a full-time job, Siobhan, only jobs don’t make you want to heave your guts up at all hours of the day and night, and usually at the most inopportune times. Well, most jobs don’t, LOL.
Chris and I are going to be in Boston until the end of the month. We just closed on the house in Beacon Hill last week. Chris fell in love with the place at first sight so I got my lawyers to start the paperwork immediately. According to my realtor, the previous owners almost fell over when they heard that the buyer was willing to pay the asking price – once a complete home inspection was conducted, mind you. Chris and I both wanted that house but I wasn’t about to shell out a few million and find out later the place was a money pit. Just between you and me, I was willing to pay more than asking, if necessary, only because Chris really loved that house. But the owners were cool and they were blown away when they found out who was buying the place. So we are signed, sealed, and delivered, which is what I wanted to have happen before we headed back to NYC then on to London from there. And even though I told Chris the house was his and that the deed would be in his name alone – it’s my early birthday present to him, after all – he put his foot down and said that no way, no how was my name NOT going to go next to his on all the paperwork. He’s so cute; frustrating but cute. Oh, God, Siobhan, you had to see his face when he found out the house cost five point five million bucks! Freakin’ priceless! Good thing I didn’t push the issue on the house we saw in Back Bay – that one was on the market for eight million. It was a bit much for Chris, though. Too opulent for his taste, I guess you could say. The Beacon Hill house is a lot more like him – gorgeous but down to earth. Chris wasn’t all that comfortable with the Back Bay place during our walk-through but he was smiling and happy with the Beacon Hill house. That one’s got two lovely outdoor spaces for entertaining and that was a major selling point for him. It’s just a great house all around. But, I meant what I told you in my last letter. If Chris wanted to live in the Taj Mahal, I’d find a way to go buy it for him. He’s been nothing short of amazing during this whole cancer ordeal, Siobhan. He’s been my rock, my crying towel, my everything. I can’t imagine having to go through this without him by my side. Buying him a five and a half million dollar house in his hometown is the very least I can do for him. He deserves it and so much more.
I know we didn’t get too much time to just sit and talk while we were in Ireland for New Year’s. I remember at one point you asking me what life with “Harvard Hottie” was like and I told you it was great but we just couldn’t get into more detail, especially since Chris picked that moment to walk by with Jeremy and they both had their listening ears on. Guys are bigger busybodies and gossips than us girls, no? Anyway, life with Chris is beyond sweet. He takes such good care of me, Siobhan, but it’s more than that. He treats me like a queen. There is nothing he wouldn’t do for me. All I have to do is ask for something, and he’ll bend over backwards to get it for me. It’s a good thing I’m not in the habit of asking for stuff…well, except in the bedroom (wink, wink!). Mind you, I was pure as the driven snow before Chris (stop laughing, Siobhan, I WAS!!!!!). Once I met Chris, there really wasn’t anyone else I wanted to be with. I think I knew that from very early on in our friendship.
I always knew I was going to end up with Chris; he ticked off all the boxes on my “what I want in a guy” checklist. But I think it was good that we didn’t immediately fall into each other’s arms or each other’s beds. I think we were meant to start out as friends and learn about each other and grow together until everything was in place and the stars were aligned and the time was right for me to let Chris know that I loved him and that he was the only man for me. After that, well, it was as if the floodgates opened. Chris and I couldn’t get enough of each other (we still can’t!). If we’re in the same room together, we have to be close to each other and touching in some way. Chris is a very affectionate, very tactile guy which comes in real handy during our, um, sexy fun times. He loves running those delicious warm hands of his all over my body and trust me when I tell you that he plays me better than I play my violin. And when he kisses me? Oh, sweet mother Mary. That mouth is pure sin. Oh, and that body! Jesus, Siobhan, the man is sex on two legs. I could stare at him all day and never get tired. He often says the same about me. God, Siobhan, I could go on and on about him for days, but I’ll not make you crazy with all that. Just suffice it to say that Chris is amazing, I am truly, deeply and irrevocably in love, and despite all this cancer stuff, I’ve never been happier (although I do have my moments. More on that later).
In answer to your question from your last letter, I finally have the date when I’ll be undergoing surgery to remove the tumors (and only the tumors, please God). Surgery’s on June 3rd, hence the chemo ending next week. Dr. Shapiro wants my system to catch a break from the chemo drugs before I go under. Chris is going to be with me every step of the way, just like he promised. I’m happy that he’ll be done with this film and that he doesn’t have to leave for London until mid-June. He could use the rest, not that he’ll let himself get too much of that, what with the way he fusses over me. He’s probably going to make himself nuts while I recuperate from surgery. And God forbid I should say anything about the way he spends so much time and effort looking after me. He’s gotten particularly good at giving me the puppy eyes and making ME feel guilty for worrying about HIM. Ain’t that a bitch? Works every fucking time, too. Jesus. I know, I know, I shouldn’t complain. Every woman should be so lucky to have a man like Chris. He’s sweet, loving, kind, considerate, generous, romantic, drop dead gorgeous, and he always, ALWAYS makes me hot enough to melt my underwear off (although those fires haven’t been burning as hot lately due to the side effects from the chemo. I’m not sick or tired all the time but it happens enough to put a damper on things). No question though, he truly is gold. I am DISGUSTINGLY lucky. And no, still no twin, Siobhan, but he does have some pretty nice friends if your Marine doesn’t work out.
Speaking of lucky, Marvel has been so great to both of us during this situation. Since he has to hit the gym and do combat training and all that good stuff for Captain America, Marvel arranged to have trainers and the stunt coordinators sent here to work with Chris when he’s not on set. We set up a gym at the Beacon Hill house the day after we moved in and Chris and the trainers have been putting it to very good use. Chris has even gotten Groban to join them for their workouts (not for the combat training, though, obviously. Jesus, could you imagine? I’m thinking that’s given you a pretty decent laugh. No, Josh is quite content to sit with me on the sidelines and shout encouragement – and the occasional snarky comment – at Chris). Marvel’s been great to me because they’ve offered to fly in Dr. Shapiro whenever I need him and they are even willing to foot the bill for my nurse, Linda, for the duration of filming Captain America. I told them that was totally not necessary but they’re insisting. I guess it’s sorta, kinda their way of making up for the fact that Chris can’t be with me for my chemo sessions and appointments and such. Like any of this is anyone’s fault. My father said I should just roll with the punches when it comes to Marvel. After all, it’s not like I’m not on their payroll. God willing, if everything goes well and I manage not to drop dead from this cancer thing, I’m going to be reprising my role as “Black Widow” next year in The Avengers. I’m excited about that. I can’t wait to work with Robert Downey, Jr. again. And, of course, I’m beyond thrilled about working with Chris. Let’s hope he’s not completely sick of having me around day and night by then. ;-)
So, here I am, sitting on the sidelines on the set of the rom-com Chris is filming. Linda, my nurse, is off getting us some lunch. She’s become more than just my nurse. We’ve become really good friends and she often acts like my assistant. I told her she didn’t need to get lunch but, like Chris, she simply turned a deaf ear to that and asked me if I felt like seafood today. These days I don’t feel like much of anything. My appetite’s iffy, at best, and I’ve already started losing weight. My hair has thinned out a bit but at least it’s not coming out in clumps, thank God. The thinness is not too noticeable since I cut my hair short right after the diagnosis was made. Still… I know Chris misses my long hair. He’s played with my hair for almost as long as I’ve known him. I catch him lifting his hand to tug on the ends every now and then, and I see the look of disappointment that quickly crosses his face when he remembers that I kinda look like a boy these days.
God, Siobhan, I can’t imagine what goes on in his head every day when he sees me throwing up or on the days I can’t even find the strength to get out of bed. Thank all that’s good and holy that doesn’t happen all that often but when it does, I see such sadness in his eyes. On those days, I’m just not the woman he fell in love with – I don’t care how much he argues that point – I’m just a shadow of that woman. I know neither of us signed up for this cancer thing but the reality of it is that it’s MY fight, MY cross to bear, MY burden and I don’t mean to sound selfish or, worse than that, ungrateful for all he’s done for me, but if it were in my power to do it, I would never, ever have put Chris through something like this. I mean, I wish I didn’t have to put anyone through this, not the family, not Josh, not Gia, not anyone, but Chris… Oh, my God, Siobhan, he waited so long for me to pull my head out of my ass and see how he’d been standing in front of me all along, just waiting to share this amazing love and kindness and generosity of heart, mind, and spirit with me…and only me, and I turn around and scare the living shit out of him by telling him I have cancer. The doctors assure me that we caught it early, that with the treatments and the surgery, I should be good to go and be able to live a long and happy life with the man I love, but they also tell me that I have to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life, for much longer than the average woman because I got it so young, because breast cancer can come back, and not necessarily in the same breast. Jesus, Siobhan, how am I supposed to ask Chris to spend his life with me when we’ve got a cloud like that hanging over our heads? How is that fair to him? He is going to wind up living with the same kind of fear I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life. I can’t do that to him. It’s so wrong.
If you’re wondering if I was crazy enough to say any of this to him…well, yes. Yes, I was. It was a particularly bad day for me, not too long after we got up here. I was miserable. The chemo was fucking with me in the worst way. I couldn’t even keep broth down and I was so weak. My head felt like it was going to split open. Chris immediately said that he was going to call out for the day, that there was no way he was going to go to work when I was in such bad shape. Siobhan, I lost it. I used what little strength I had to say all the things I just put in this letter. By the time I was done, we were both in tears. I honestly expected him to just say to hell with this and drag out his suitcase and pack his shit. I thought he was going to look at me and say I was an ungrateful bitch and that I should go fuck myself. But he didn’t. He just watched me with those fabulous eyes of his then he came and sat next to me on the bed. He took my hands in his and just said, “I really hope you don’t believe any of that shit you just said. I could no more leave you than I could my parents, my brother, or my sisters. You mean the whole world to me, Cameron. I don’t know how else to say that to you, to make that clear to you. I’m with you forever, right up until the end, even if that end comes a hell of a lot sooner than either of us ever expected. I’m not going to leave you when you’re well, let alone when you’re sick. I’m here, I’m staying, I’m going to go through this cancer thing with you. You need me…and I need you. Whatever you have to face, I’ll face it, too, right here, right by your side. Right where I was always meant to be. I love you. That’s now, and that’s forever. Got it?”
Thank God for my eidetic memory, Siobhan, because I would never, ever want to forget a speech like that. Chris Evans is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and if I’m lucky, and if my body decides to cooperate after the surgery and the treatments, I plan to stand right by his side until the day I’m finally called home.
Chris obviously told Josh about what happened – those two are like brothers and they tell each other EVERYTHING; they’re the male versions of me and Gia! – because Josh came to me the next day and brought me some sheet music. I was feeling a lot better so I was able to sit up in bed and read the lyrics while Josh sang them to me. When he finished, he just said, “This is you and Chris. You need him, and he’ll be there for you, always. If you need to change your colors, he’ll change his too.” And that’s the truth in a nutshell, Siobhan. Chris has got my back. I wish I knew how I got so damn lucky. These are the lyrics; you need to see them. It’s a truly beautiful song. If you have a chance, look up the video of Josh playing this at a concert he appeared at for Nelson Mandela.
You look at me with uncertainty,
You look at me with urgency.
You look at me with fear in your eyes
Like you're about to fall away.
But don't be afraid to change your colors now.
I've known you all summer, and you rose above it all.
I see you hesitate to fall now,
But it's a pretty good view from down here, too.
And when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colors, I change mine, too.
Try not to think, and I will try to.
When you let go, I will let go, too.
I knew you when you were green and strong.
You were like a feather on a wing, so long.
You know I will miss you when you are gone,
But don't be afraid if you just can't hang on.
Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colors, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too.
When the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
And when you change colors, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too.
The cold air is pushing hard on you.
I know what you're saying; I can feel it, too.
You'll go through changes, and I'll go through them too.
Don't be afraid now, don't be afraid.
Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colors, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too
You know I’ve always said that music can truly say everything people can’t articulate in plain words. This song really said everything Chris has been trying to tell me all along. I found out later that Chris was the one who mentioned the song to Josh. Sometimes I’m blown away by how closely Chris pays attention to things. I appeared at that same concert with Josh and I’d completely forgotten about that song. Then again, these days, I occasionally have trouble remembering some things. Chemo brain, they call it. Big fun. Anyway, the moral to this story, dear cousin, is that I hit the jackpot when I met Chris Evans. He is good to me and he is good for me and I will love him until the end of time, whenever that time comes. My one wish is that all of my female relatives are lucky enough to find for themselves what I have found with this most incredible man.
Well, Linda just appeared at my elbow and she’s insisting I try to eat something. In order to avoid having her go all Nurse Ratched on me, I’m going to go to Chris’ trailer and attempt to eat lunch. Fingers crossed.
Siobhan, I look forward to your next letter. In the meantime, be careful, stay safe, and God bless and keep you. Remember to keep your head down, kiddo. I love you. Semper fi, Marine!
Always,
Cameron
“Time to eat, Cameron.”
“What did you get me, my dear Nurse?”
“Baked salmon with rice pilaf and mixed veggies.”
Cam smiled. “God, that sounds wonderful.” She slid off the director’s chair the cast and crew had gifted her with at the beginning of the shoot and put her pad and pen down on the seat. “I’m feeling kind of good today and I haven’t been at all nauseous. You think maybe I’ll be able to keep that salmon down?” she asked Linda as they walked away.
“Well, let’s just keep our fingers crossed,” Linda said with a smile. Cam chuckled and bumped her shoulder against her nurse’s.
A few minutes later, Chris walked past Cam’s chair on his way to his trailer to grab some lunch of his own. He looked down at the seat on his way by and saw the pad she’d been writing on. Given her tendency towards forgetfulness these days – the doctors called it “chemo brain;” she jokingly called it “senility” – she must have put it down and walked away without giving it another thought. Curious, he stopped to pick it up. He admired Cam’s beautiful handwriting as he began to read. Dearest Siobhan…
Linda looked up from her bag when she heard the trailer door open. She gave Chris a grim smile as he walked in. “Hey, Chris.”
“Hi, Linda.” Chris set Cameron’s pad and pen down on the counter then looked around. “Where’s Cam?”
Linda sighed and hitched her thumb towards the bathroom.
“Oh, no. The food made her sick?”
“She didn’t even get a chance to eat. I think it might have just been the smell of the food that set her off. I’m looking for the Haldol to give her when she’s done. And, before you ask, she didn’t want me to come in with her.”
Chris shook his head. Yeah, that sounded like Cameron. “I’ll go to her.” He walked over to the bathroom and heard the toilet flush as he pulled the door open. Cam was on her knees in front of the toilet, her hands gripping the sides of the bowl so tightly, her knuckles were white. She coughed a few times then let out a pained moan when she felt Chris kneel down behind her. “Here, babe,” he said as he handed her the washcloth he’d just dampened.
Cam nodded her thanks and wiped her face and mouth. She leaned back against Chris and let out a ragged sigh. “If this keeps up, I’m going to wind up looking like a stick figure.”
Chris kissed her temple. “That will never happen,” he whispered. “You’re always going to have a killer body. This isn’t going to last forever, sweetheart.”
She grunted. “Ugh, from your mouth to God’s ear.”
He smiled and kissed her cheek. “We’ve got this, babe. We’re going to kick cancer’s ass, remember? And we’re going to do it together.” He cleared his throat and began to sing softly, “Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too. When you change colors, I change mine, too. Try not to think and I will try, too. And when you let go, I will let go, too. I love you, my incredible Cameron, and I’ll always have your back.”
Cam gave him a tired but genuine smile. “Hmm. Someone’s been reading my letter to Siobhan. I should be really pissed at you for that but, strangely enough, I’m not. Besides, right now, I don’t have the strength to be pissed at anyone.” She paused as she gently stroked the arm he had wrapped around her waist. “I hope you liked what you read, a ghra.”
“I was flattered and touched. It was nice to see how you portray me to your family. It’s nice to know that you think I’m so amazing.”
“You are amazing, Chris. And I love you too. How blessed am I to have you in my life?”
“Ditto,” he said with a grin. “Now let’s get you off this floor.”
“My hero,” she cooed.
“Wench!”