Chapter Text
I find myself in a strange situation
And I don't know how
What seemed to be an infatuation
Is so different now
I can't get by if we're not together
Ooh can't you see
Girl, I want you now and forever
Close to me
I'm longing for the time
I'm longing for the day
Hoping that you will promise to be mine
And never go away
I don't want to live without you
I don't want to live without you
I could never live without you
Live without your love
I ask myself but there's no explanation
For the way I feel
I know I've reached the right destination
And I know it's real
I'm longing for the time
I'm longing for the day
When I'll be giving you this heart of mine
Believe me when I say
I don't want to live without you
I don't want to live without you
I could never live without you
Live without your love
I Don’t Want To Live Without You – Foreigner
Mid-July, 2010
Chris looked over Joe Johnston’s shoulder for the umpteenth time, causing the director to chuckle at his young actor’s obvious nervousness. “Chris, relax. She’ll get here. She and Linda are probably just stuck in midday London traffic.”
Chris sighed and shook his head ruefully. “I know, Joe, I’m sorry. But Linda called my assistant earlier and told him that Cam had had a bad time during chemo this morning and to tell me to not be too alarmed at how pale and drawn she looks.” He gave a helpless little shrug. “What can I say, Joe? I worry about her. These past few weeks have been tough on her. She’s healed up well from the surgery this June but they just can’t seem to get the post-operative chemotherapy right. There’s a whole laundry list of possible side effects from chemo and it seems like Cam is checking every one of them off.”
“Well, she does look like she’s lost some weight.”
“Yeah, about twenty pounds so far. She tries to eat, but more often than not, she can’t keep a lot of it down.” Chris sighed again. “Sorry, Joe,” he said to the director, “don’t mean to dump all this on you.”
“Chris, come on. You’re not dumping anything on anyone. We all know that you and Cameron are going through a lot. Seeing the woman you love go through these awful changes as she battles cancer can’t be easy. Yet, you’ve been an absolute champ. You come to work every day prepared, focused, and ready to take on the world. You make my job easy. I honestly wish I could clone you!” Both men laughed.
A few minutes later, Chris glanced yet again over Joe’s shoulder but this time he saw Linda, Cam’s private duty nurse, walking towards him. A few paces behind was Cameron, her hand tucked firmly into the crook of Sebastian Stan’s elbow, her face turned up towards Seb’s as they chatted. Cam had taken quickly to the young actor who was playing Bucky Barnes, Captain America’s best friend. They’d immediately formed a mutual admiration society. Sebastian was blown away: he’d long been a fan of Cameron’s and now, here he was, one of her besties. He often commented to Chris how surreal he thought that was. Chris would laugh and ask him why. “Seb, you’re a great guy! Cam has got a good sense of people and she only gravitates towards those folks she knows won’t fuck her over. She likes you, she wants to be friends. Enjoy it. But,” Chris would say, “don’t enjoy it too much. The lady is very much spoken for.” They would both laugh.
Joe Johnston followed Chris’ eye line and saw that Cam had finally arrived…but something wasn’t right. She didn’t seem very steady on her feet. He watched as Sebastian brought up his free hand to steady her but it wasn’t enough. Just as Cameron began to sink down to the ground, he felt Chris brush past him, yelling Cam’s name, sheer terror in his voice.
Sebastian tried desperately to break Cam’s fall as she slumped against him and slid down to the floor. He followed her down and was able to keep her from slamming her head on the concrete. Linda and Chris skidded to a halt in front of them and Sebastian looked up, fear written all over his handsome face. “We were talking about today’s shoot then all of a sudden, she started slurring her words…and then, this!”
Chris dropped to his knees and slipped his hands under Cam’s head so he and Seb could keep her head cushioned from the hard floor. Linda was also on her knees next to Cameron, quickly checking her vital signs and yelling for Zack, Chris’ assistant, to go get the set doctor and alert the EMS team that was always standing by in case of accidents on the set. Suddenly, Cameron began shaking uncontrollably. “She’s seizing!” Linda cried. “Chris, Seb, roll her onto her side and hold her there. If she vomits, I don’t want her aspirating it; it’ll get into her lungs and she’ll literally drown.”
Frightened to death but determined to help Cam, Chris and Sebastian rolled her onto her right side so that she was facing Linda and they held her as steady as possible despite the violent jerking of her body. Chris fought back tears as he watched Linda do what she could for Cam while they waited for the set doctor to arrive on the scene. Moments later, just as Cameron’s body seemed to relax a bit, the doctor arrived with the EMS crew just a few steps behind him. He and Linda discussed Cam’s vitals and she told the doctor, an older gentleman named Ridley, about Cameron’s recent strange reactions to her current course of chemotherapy. The doctor, who had been introduced to Cameron and Linda and apprised of Cam’s situation when filming got underway, gently placed a hand on Cameron’s hip and muttered, “That is one hell of a reaction to chemo. I’ve never seen anything like it.” He looked up at Chris and Sebastian. “Gentlemen, gently roll Miss Kennedy onto her back again, please.” They did so then the doctor asked them to please step back and away from Cam. Just as the words left his mouth, Cameron began to convulse again. Dr. Ridley signaled to the EMS crew. “Bring the stretcher here, boys. She’s got to go to hospital right now.” The medics took the doctor’s place at Cam’s side while the physician stepped back and pulled out his phone as he asked Linda where Cameron was receiving her cancer treatments.
“She’s being treated at St. Mary’s in Paddington,” Linda answered, her eyes following every move the paramedics made. She watched as they attached portable machines to Cam to monitor her blood pressure and other vitals. She heard Dr. Ridley call St. Mary’s and tell them to expect an ambulance carrying a twenty-five year old female cancer patient who was seizing…
Suddenly, the monitoring equipment emitted a loud whistling sound. “Oh my God, she’s coding!” Linda yelled as the medics scrambled to pull out the portable defibrillator they brought with them. She went to her knees, ripped open Cameron’s shirt and began CPR.
The doctor yelled something into his phone then ended the call. He dropped to his knees next to Cameron and grabbed the electrode pads from one of the medics, who’d already started charging the defibrillator, and attached them to Cameron’s chest. “Everyone get back, stand clear, stand clear!” the doctor shouted. Linda stopped CPR and she and Dr. Ridley watched as the automatic external defibrillator analyzed Cameron’s heart rhythm. Finding none, the doctor shouted clear once more and pressed the button to administer a shock.
Chris, shock and horror etched on his handsome face, tried to go to Cameron but was held back by Sebastian, who’d wrapped his arms around his friend’s body in an effort to keep him still. “Chris, don’t. You can’t do anything for her. Let the doctor, Linda, and the medics help her. You’re only going to get in the way. Please, Chris, let them take care of her.”
Chris watched helplessly as Cameron’s life seemed to slip away. He was aware of Sebastian’s voice, and the frantic shouts of the people working on Cameron and of Joe Johnston and some of his co-stars as they told people to keep away from the scene, but it all sounded like it was being filtered through water and everything seemed to move in slow motion. Nothing was clear except the fact that Cam was currently lying on the floor in front of him, no pulse, no heartbeat. She was…dead. But…that was impossible, wasn’t it? For Christ’s sake, the cancer didn’t kill her but a seizure did? What the fuck? She couldn’t be dead. She couldn’t. She had so much to live for…they had so much to live for. What was he going to do without her? How in the bloody hell was he going to be able to go on without her? Despite everything they’d talked about, despite Cameron forcing him to read that book about death and dying back in February, despite the possibility that this day could actually come, Chris was not the least bit prepared to watch the love of his life slip away from him. He was prepared to make every deal with God that he could to keep her alive. Cameron Kennedy could not be dead. She just couldn’t…
Chris cried out as he watched Cameron’s body jump as Dr. Ridley administered the shock from the AED. “Please, God, please, God…” he chanted softly as Sebastian continued to hold him, Seb’s own prayers mingling with Chris’. For a long, hideous moment, time seemed to stand still as everyone watched the small heart monitor, silently willing it to start beeping and show a heartbeat. There was nothing but a steady whine and a flat line across the monitor. Chris began to shake and his breath hitched from the sobs he could no longer hold back.