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In all honesty, Pangi should’ve expected this to happen.
After all, it’s not the first time the idea of a kiss between him and Lukey has been floated around. Not by a long shot. That part is not surprising.
What is new is that Pangi actually feels inclined to go through with it. He doesn’t even know what changed, really. The last time it was brought up, it just felt too… real? Like too much commitment for something that’s just a bit.
And the thing is, it shouldn’t be that different, but he’s in San Diego and his friends are here and he’s slightly tipsy, so when someone – he doesn’t actually know who, because it’s hard to make out the instigator in a group of people who are all talking and have lost the ability to have an inside voice, so he decides the real blame probably lies on chat – asks when the two of them are going to kiss, his first instinct isn’t to backpedal.
“Right, don’t you owe chat one from the last Twitch Con?” Derap asks, and Pangi rolls his eyes at how fucking smug he sounds.
Clearly, he and Lukey haven’t done a good enough job of ragebaiting him today yet. Just for that, he suddenly really does want to go through with it. Derap clearly isn’t expecting them to, and Pangi would love to see the look on his face when he’s proven wrong.
“What is this, some kind of yaoi tax?” he asks, and hears Lukey laugh next to him. Pangi glances at him, trying his best to convey what he’s thinking.
But before he can gauge Lukey’s reaction, Pili chimes in. “Yeah, and you’re clearly evading it.”
Pangi looks over to him, raising his hand to his chest in mock offense. “Pili, are you accusing me of yaoi fraud?”
Pili shrugs, grinning. “Queerbaiting, yaoi fraud. Sounds like something you’d do.”
Well. It’s not like he’s wrong. But still. Rude.
Glancing back at Lukey, Pangi notices a mischievous glint in his eye. Seems like he’s on board with whatever Pangi throws his way. “Shit, I guess it’s time to pay up,” Lukey says. He meets Pangi’s gaze very deliberately and leans even closer than he already had been.
For a moment, Pangi feels his heart jump to his throat, and he briefly thinks about backing off last minute, but he quickly chases the thought away. He’s already decided that he’s committing to this, and Lukey seems okay with it too, so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. It’s just a kiss for content, and for the reactions their friends are going to have to it.
“Damn, I guess so,” he says, and just goes for it.
Lukey meets him halfway, and the first thing he notices is that Lukey’s lips are soft. The second thing he notices is that this feels nice. Like, really nice. And Pangi finds kissing nice in general, but this one is particularly nice. It barely lasts more than two seconds, but as they part, Pangi for a brief second has a sudden instinct to grab Lukey by the back of his head and pull him in for a second, proper kiss.
When the conscious, rational part of his brain registers that thought, though, he freezes for a moment, because what the fuck. He feels his face heat up. Because again, what the actual fuck.
But people around him are talking and shouting, and Lukey’s just started laughing, so Pangi attempts to shove the entire train of thoughts into a box and laughs as well. He checks on chat to see it absolutely exploding, the messages mostly Stares and all-caps yelling.
He feels really satisfied with that reaction, but it’s not enough to snap him out of his weird headspace. It’s like his brain is in a strange, empty limbo, but at the same time he thinks if he lets his thoughts start going, they’ll flood his whole brain instantly.
So instead of dealing with that, he distracts himself by looking at his friends’ expressions, realizing with great disappointment that he’s missed Derap’s initial reaction with everything else going on, which was like the whole reason he committed to this in the first place. He’s so gonna rewatch the VOD to see it.
Well, maybe that isn’t actually the best idea because that means he’s also going to have to see the—
Okay, no. He has to stop his train of thought there. It was literally just a close-mouthed, two second kiss between him and one of his friends. It’s not something he should feel weird about watching again in a VOD.
Glancing over at Lukey, he looks as he always does, not a trace of him being affected by what just happened visible on his face. So, clearly, it’s just Pangi who’s being a freak about it.
Whatever.
As the topic of conversation drifts elsewhere, it’s easy to temporarily forget about the whole thing. The stream is still going, after all, and Pangi does care about being entertaining. Focusing on that gives him back a sense of normalcy. Even if he feels heat creeping up his neck whenever his gaze drifts to Lukey’s lips.
However, a couple hours later, when all the streams have ended and they’ve gone back to the Airbnb, it suddenly becomes a lot harder for Pangi to keep ignoring his thoughts. Especially when he steps in his room and remembers that he’s going to be sleeping in the same bed as Lukey. Which shouldn’t be weird. It hasn’t been weird before. Hell, it wasn’t weird yesterday, either.
It’s just Pangi’s brain that’s being weird.
Because like. He’s pretty sure he’s straight. Sure, he enjoys flirting with the homies more than the average straight guy, but that shouldn’t make him any less straight on principle, should it?
Plus, it’s not like kissing Lukey is that much different from kissing a girl. Because yeah, Lukey’s a guy, and if Pangi put his hand on his jawline as they were kissing it would be sharper than most girls’, but he’s clean shaven. If Pangi didn’t know, he probably wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.
Except he does know. He knew it before the kiss happened, and he knows it now, and he still wants to do it again.
That’s the most confusing part of it. He can wrap his head around enjoying the kiss in the moment. But he thinks some wires must have gotten crossed in his brain, because that instantaneous thought of ‘again, please’ that he had after the kiss still hasn’t gone away. Then again, maybe if they kissed again, the wires would uncross and Pangi could forget about the whole thing.
“You okay, dude?” Lukey’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts suddenly. “You’ve been staring into space for the past like ten minutes.”
Oh. Pangi hadn’t even noticed, but sure enough, it’s been long enough that Lukey’s already changed into his pajamas. “I’m fine, yeah. I’m just tired. It’s been a long day.” That’s not even a lie, really. He really is tired. And maybe sleep would fix his brain too.
He can tell Lukey doesn’t fully believe him – damn it, why do they have to know each other so well – but thankfully he doesn’t push. “Better get your beauty sleep in then, cause tomorrow’s gonna be just as long.”
Yeah, especially if his brain keeps being as stupid as it is right now, wondering how it would feel to kiss the smirk off Lukey’s face…
Fuck, okay, Pangi’s going to sleep. This is getting ridiculous.
He quickly changes as well – they’ve changed in the same room before, Lukey did it himself just a second ago, so it’s not weird. It’s not – and flops down onto the bed while Lukey gets the lights.
With the room now plunged into darkness, Pangi feels slightly better. At least this way, there’s no way to read his face.
The sound of footsteps and rustling sheets let him know that Lukey has climbed into the bed, and as Pangi’s eyes adjust to the darkness a little, he can see the now-familiar shape of Lukey next to him.
Swallowing past the weird tug in his chest, he turns around to face the wall instead and closes his eyes. Thankfully, his exhaustion overpowers his conflicted thoughts, and he falls asleep easily.
Pangi knows it must be pretty early still when he wakes up from the way the Airbnb is completely silent, and from how little light is streaming in through the blinds.
He must have turned back around in his sleep, he realizes, because the first thing his eyes focus on is Lukey’s face. Still half-asleep, Pangi smiles. It’s a pretty nice view to wake up to. Lukey looks so peaceful as he sleeps, his hair slightly messy and falling into his face in a way that makes Pangi want to run his fingers through it to push it back. He doesn’t, because he doesn’t want to wake Lukey up, but it’s tempting. He just looks so…
Pangi’s gaze drifts down to Lukey’s lips. They’re ever so slightly parted, just like they were last night, and suddenly all he can think about is how easy it would be to close the already small gap between the two of them and press his own lips against Lukey’s.
Which is, of course, the moment his brain catches up with itself, and suddenly he’s wide awake because how the fuck did it get worse overnight? His heart feels like it’s hammering against his ribcage, and heat is rushing to his face. This fucking sucks.
Carefully maneuvering himself out of bed so as not to wake Lukey up, he gets to his feet. Maybe some fresh air will help.
He quickly grabs a jacket and quietly makes his way out the back door. Except, to his surprise, as he steps outside, he finds Woogie already there, sitting on the small bench on the back porch.
Woogie looks up from his phone as he notices the movement. “Oh, hey. You’re up early.”
“I mean, I could say the same thing,” Pangi says, drawing the jacket closer around himself. San Diego may be pretty warm even now, but this early in the morning there’s still a sharp chill in the air, dim sunlight reflecting off of the dew on the grass.
Woogie shrugs. “I woke up too early and I couldn’t fall back asleep. Figured I’d step outside for a bit so I don’t wake anyone else up by moving around. Same as you, I’m guessing?”
Pangi takes a few meandering steps, feeling a little awkward. The wooden boards creak quietly under his footsteps. “Yeah.” He comes to a stop by the wall of the house, leaning his back against it. He really wasn’t prepared to have company after what just happened.
The silence stretches on for a couple seconds before Woogie speaks again. “Hey, are you like okay, man? You look all spaced out.”
Almost protectively, Pangi crosses his arms over his chest. He doesn’t want to talk about this, but he’s just so tired and confused and weirded out by this whole thing that he opens his mouth before he’s actually thought about what he’s going to say. “Not really.” Even after a couple seconds, Woogie doesn’t say anything to that, so Pangi assumes he’s waiting for him to elaborate. “So, you know how me and Lukey kissed on stream last night? Since then, I’ve just been thinking, and I’m…” He huffs. What is he even supposed to say here? His feelings don’t even make sense inside his own head, let alone said out loud. “I don’t even know. I’ve just been feeling weird ever since.”
Woogie looks at him, brow arched in confusion. “Weird as in you were uncomfortable? Or weird like… the opposite?”
“I—” Pangi begins, but he finds the words stuck in his throat. He shouldn’t have brought this up. The silence is making him seem suspicious as fuck, and he knows it.
After about a minute or so, Woogie hums. “Is this the right time to confess that for a few weeks earlier this year I genuinely was wondering if the two of you were secretly together?”
Pangi scoffs. “Fuck you, dude, I’m serious.”
“I’m not kidding, I really did think that,” Woogie insists, and to his credit he looks completely sincere. He shrugs. “All I’m saying is, I think you guys would be great together.”
“Okay, what are we even saying,” Pangi says, but the deflection sours on his tongue. The words sound empty, even to himself.
But he can’t think about what Woogie’s saying seriously. He just can’t.
He can’t think about what it would be like to go on a real date with Lukey. To walk on the stony beaches of Brighton hand-in-hand. To have stroopwafels together and share caramel-flavored kisses. To go to a fancy dinner and then go back home after to—
Suddenly, he regrets putting that jacket on. Maybe it isn’t so cold out here after all.
“I don’t know, maybe it’s not as simple as it seems from the outside, but I think you should just go for it,” Woogie continues, snapping him out of his thoughts. “It’s clear that you both like each other a whole lot. We can all see it.”
Why does Pangi feel like this is a debate that he’s currently losing? “But those are just jokes,” he defends weakly. It’s supposed to be a game, a funny bit to annoy their friends with. How long have they been thinking that it’s something more sincere?
Woogie makes a face. “I mean, sure. To some extent. But surely you’ve gotta know that there’s some truth behind it.”
Pangi tightens his arms around his chest. Okay, so what if he likes Lukey a lot? They’re good friends. They have a lot in common. Lukey is funny as fuck, and charismatic too. That doesn’t mean anything.
Sure, Pangi would hesitate to compare what he has with Lukey to his relationships with all his other friends, but… no, it’s not like that.
Fuck, this conversation must really be getting to his head, because now it’s starting to sound like he’s trying to convince himself. Which he is not, thank you very much. “Whatever,” he mutters under his breath.
Thankfully, he’s saved from continuing the discussion by a loud thud from inside the house. Clearly, someone else must have woken up, and they’re being much less subtle about it than the two of them.
The commotion that follows once they step back inside is enough to distract Pangi from the earlier events of the morning. But still, deep down he can’t help but wonder if there’s any truth to Woogie’s words.
He’s noticeably off-kilter for the rest of the day. All his friends keep giving him weird looks, especially Lukey, which is only making him feel worse.
But nobody asks, and he wouldn’t say anything even if they did, so he just goes on about his day like nothing is wrong.
He still wants to watch Derap’s reaction from yesterday’s VOD, though, despite everything, so when he finally manages to find a moment of privacy – which is hard as fuck when you’ve got a con to attend, for the record, but Zam left her charger at the Airbnb and Pangi offered to go and get it – he opens it up on his phone.
Once he finds the correct timestamp, though, he hesitates, thumb hovering over the play button. Does he actually want to do this? Sure, he wants to laugh at Derap’s reaction, but is it really worth watching himself kiss Lukey?
No, okay, he has to stop being so weird about it. It wasn’t a big deal whatsoever; he’s just making it worse for himself by placing so much importance on it. He presses the button.
It immediately becomes obvious how terrible of an idea that was. Watching even just the banter beforehand is making Pangi’s stomach turn into knots. But he perseveres anyway, heart rate quickening with nervous anticipation.
When the kiss actually happens, he feels like he’s watching it in slow-motion. Two seconds have never felt this long in his life. He feels like all the air has been knocked out of his lungs.
The aftermath isn’t any better, either. In fact, it’s actually significantly worse, because it’s so fucking obvious how affected Pangi is. Looking back at himself now, it’s like he didn’t even try to hide it. Following the kiss, his past self’s gaze keeps gravitating back to Lukey, as if he’s being drawn back in like a moth to a light. It’s actually embarrassing.
Belatedly, he realizes he missed Derap’s reaction again. After some hesitation, he rewinds the video, physically blocking out himself and Lukey with his hand.
Derap’s reaction is pretty funny; his eyes go wide and his jaw drops, clearly not having expected Pangi and Lukey to actually go through with it. Pangi can’t even enjoy it properly, though, because as soon as he takes his hand away his gaze gravitates back to the scene of the crime.
Though actually, seeing the aftermath again, he realizes that Lukey isn’t really looking at any of the others either. The revelation leaves a strange, fluttery feeling inside Pangi’s chest. Maybe Lukey wasn’t as unaffected as he seemed at the time.
Pangi rewinds the video a second time, which is when another thing becomes apparent. Even before, Lukey’s eyes are on him pretty much constantly.
He lets the clip play out and then goes back again, just to make sure he isn’t seeing things. But no, sure enough, it’s real. In fact, he’s pretty sure he himself is doing the same thing. Going back and watching the moment one more time, Pangi realizes with slight horror that there’s barely any difference between how much they’re looking at each other before and after.
His conversation with Woogie earlier today comes to his mind. Is that what their friends have been seeing this whole time? Maybe it isn’t so strange that they could’ve gotten the wrong idea.
…is it the wrong idea, though? Suddenly, Pangi isn’t so sure anymore.
He closes Twitch and puts his phone in his pocket. Stepping inside the bathroom, he splashes some cold water on his face. He avoids meeting his reflection’s eyes.
Maybe he can’t just keep ignoring this anymore. He’s pretty sure the only way to figure this out, figure himself out is to confront Lukey about it. He just hopes he can be brave enough to do that.
Thankfully, no streams are planned for the rest of the day, which is great because Pangi isn’t really sure he could put his content creator persona on right now.
They’re all pretty exhausted by the time they get back to the Airbnb, so everyone is eager to go to bed, the house quieting down in record time. Pangi feels wide awake, though, even after all the lights have been turned off.
In the dark, he listens only to the sound of his own breathing as he lies on his back. He watches the still shadows on the ceiling, tracing the edges with his gaze. He swears he can feel Lukey’s body heat against his arm, even through the layers of blankets. It’s probably his mind playing tricks on him, but it feels kind of nice, in the same way the weightlessness of falling from a bike feels good for a fraction of a second before you crash into the ground.
Lukey shifts next to him, the rustling sheets interrupting the silence, and Pangi’s heart jumps to his throat, like it’s trying to escape the feeling inside his chest. He swallows past it. “Are you still awake?” he asks quietly.
“Yeah,” Lukey replies right away, voice low but still alert.
Pangi turns to his side to see that Lukey is looking at him, face cast almost completely in darkness. Pangi can only just about make out the outlines of where his features are. He wonders, if he reached out to trace his fingertips along them, would he be able to tell Lukey’s expression? He clenches his hands into fists. “Sorry for being so weird today.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Lukey says with a small shake of his head. “Everyone has off days sometimes.”
While that may be true, Pangi knows this isn’t just that. It’s not gonna go away unless he really confronts it. “I just hate that it has to be one of the days that I get to spend with you,” he mutters. The sentiment still stands true, even if it’s not the whole truth.
“Aww, you want to be at peak performance for me?” Just from Lukey’s voice, Pangi can practically see the exact smile that must be on his face.
The thing is, Lukey’s not even wrong. It’s just such a rare occurrence to see Lukey in person. Even though they see each other on FaceTime or Discord or on stream all the time, it’s just… different in person. It’s special. His friends may make fun of him for being glued to Lukey’s side constantly, but Pangi just wants to make the most of their time together, because there’s nothing quite like the feeling he gets when they spend time in each other’s company. It’s just right, like Lukey is a puzzle piece Pangi didn’t even know was missing from his life until he waltzed in and just fit in perfectly.
A sudden wave of yearning punches him in the stomach, then, like a Pavlovian reaction to imagining Lukey taking up permanent fixture in his life. He sits up and pulls his legs close to his chest, leaning his arms on his knees. He sighs as he tries to swallow down the feeling.
Lukey quickly pushes himself up into a sitting position as well, clearly a little startled by the reaction. Pangi knows he must be curious, but Lukey stays quiet, probably hesitant to push a topic so obviously sensitive.
Pangi lays his head on his arms, still turned to the side so that he can keep looking at Lukey’s silhouette. “Sometimes it feels like I like you more than I’m supposed to.” He feels his heart rate quicken in his chest. He didn’t mean for it to sound so much like a confession, but he realizes that’s what it sounds like as soon as the words leave his mouth. Head spinning a little, he purses his lips. He doesn’t even really know what he’s confessing to.
It takes a couple seconds for Lukey to respond. “I think you could like me as much as you want and I’d be pretty happy about it either way.” His tone is unreadable. Pangi really wishes he could see Lukey’s expression right now.
He squeezes his eyes shut. What is he even supposed to say to that? His heart is hammering against the inside of his ribcage now, like it’s making a last-ditch effort to claw its way out and run as far away as it can. “What were you thinking after we kissed yesterday?”
“Ohh, is that what this is about?” Lukey says. “Why, what did you think?”
Opening his eyes, Pangi huffs. “I asked you first.”
Lukey shrugs. “Fair, alright.” He pauses for a moment, like he’s trying to put his thoughts in order. “I thought it was… short. I was wondering what the others would have thought if we’d gone on a little longer. I kind of wanted to find out if you’re a good kisser.” He tilts his head slightly to the side. “What about you?”
That’s… not what Pangi was expecting Lukey’s answer to be. But now he can’t help imagining what that would have been like. Maybe Lukey would have moved his lips against Pangi’s, and it would have turned into a proper kiss. Maybe Pangi would have put his hand on the back of Lukey’s head to pull him even closer, adjusted the angle to deepen the kiss. Maybe he would have found out what Lukey’s mouth tastes like.
He's hit with that same sudden, urgent ache that he felt a few minutes ago. Anticipation rises in his throat like his body has already made the decision before his conscious mind has even registered the question. He unfurls his legs and turns towards Lukey properly. “I wanted to do it again,” he says finally, after what must be almost a minute of silence passes.
Lukey shuffles closer. “We can arrange that. If you’re still up to it.”
And suddenly it’s like every single cell in Pangi’s body is screaming at him to do it, the choir of ‘yes’es drowning out all other thoughts in his head. Struggling to come up with the right words to say, he just nods.
He watches as Lukey slowly raises a hand, waiting with his heart in his throat until it reaches his face.
Ice cold fingers brush against his cheek, and he inhales sharply, flinching back slightly on instinct. Lukey’s hand begins to pull back, but Pangi quickly catches his wrist. He leans into the touch, letting Lukey’s hand come to rest on his face. “Your hands are cold as fuck, dude.”
“Shit, sorry,” Lukey says with a small laugh. “My hands get cold when I’m nervous.”
Oh. The admission that Lukey’s not as casual about this as he seems is almost… comforting. At least Pangi’s not the only one. At the same time, though, it’s a little terrifying. It’s making Pangi feel like this actually, really matters.
He feels Lukey’s hand trail down his face, until Lukey’s thumb comes to rest at the corner of his mouth. “Just making sure,” Lukey says quietly. “It would be really embarrassing to miss.” Right, the room is still almost completely dark.
Pangi feels like his skin is tingling under Lukey’s touch. He still doesn’t really know what he’s doing, doesn’t know how to make sense of the absolute mess that is his brain, but what he does know is that he wants this so fucking badly.
Finally, he sees Lukey move and he closes his eyes.
The kiss is more gentle than their last one. Lukey’s lips are just as soft as Pangi remembered, but there’s something less rushed about them, like Lukey’s really taking his time to do this the way he wants. His hand is still on Pangi’s face, cold fingertips tracing lines along his jaw. They make their way to his hair, and Pangi shivers. His hands grasp blindly to find anything to hold on to, eventually finding something that feels like Lukey’s shoulders.
Slowly, almost experimentally, Lukey turns his head to deepen the kiss. Pangi feels like his stomach is doing somersaults.
The kiss only lasts about a minute, but as they part, Pangi feels breathless, like he’s just run a marathon. Lukey lingers close, his nose just barely grazing Pangi’s. “Were you imagining something like that when you thought about a second kiss?” He asks. His breath is warm against Pangi’s lips, and Pangi has to resist the urge to draw him back in for another kiss.
No, this is nothing like he imagined. If the wires were crossed in his head before, then too bad, because he’s pretty sure they’re stuck like that permanently now. There’s nothing in the world he wants to do more right now than to kiss Lukey again and again and again and again.
Well, okay. There is one other thing he wants to do first. Much as he’d rather stay like this forever, he leans back a little, grabbing his phone from the nightstand. He quickly turns the flashlight on, then puts his phone back face down, letting it light up the room in a faint glow.
When he turns back, Lukey is looking at him with a fond smile. “Hey,” he says, and Pangi feels his heart flip over in his chest. Lukey looks so… he’s just… he looks breathtaking.
“Hey,” Pangi says back, voice nearly breaking on the single syllable. He can’t believe that just a few hours ago he thought he enjoyed their kiss in spite of the fact that it was Lukey, not because of it. Actually seeing Lukey’s face now makes Pangi want to kiss him like ten times more than he already did.
With a thrill, he realizes he’s pretty sure he can. So, he decides to be brave for once and just goes for it.
Lukey makes a small, surprised noise in the back of his throat when their lips collide, but it only takes him a fraction of a second to start kissing Pangi back, with much more fervour this time.
Pangi doesn’t hesitate to match him in intensity, though, arms wrapping around Lukey’s shoulders, fingers making their way to the back of Lukey’s head, carding through the soft, short strands of hair.
He probably would have considered their previous kiss one of the best kisses of his life, but this one blows it out of the fucking park He feels like his heart might jump out of his chest and into Lukey’s, to take up permanent residence there.
Lukey makes another noise when Pangi’s fingernails gently scrape against his scalp, and emboldened, Pangi pushes him down until Lukey’s lying on his back and climbs over him. Their lips break apart briefly, but Pangi can barely take a single breath before Lukey chases his mouth with his own and connects them in a kiss again.
Pangi isn’t really sure how long they stay like that, but by the time they part, he feels completely breathless, and his lips are slightly sore. For a few moments, they just look at each other quietly, their breaths mingling between them. Finally, Pangi is the one to break the silence. “So, what’s your conclusion? Am I a good kisser?”
Lukey smirks. “Hmm, I don’t know. I think I have to gather more evidence to come to a conclusion.”
The nerve of this guy. “I hate you and I’m never kissing you again,” Pangi deadpans, but he knows he can’t hide the fond smile on his face.
“Noooo,” Lukey whines, ending it with a giggle and a mischievous glint in his eye. “You like me too much to do that.”
Fuck, Pangi really does. They’re probably going to have to have an actual conversation about this in the morning, but for now, Pangi doesn’t care about the details. He trusts his future self to figure that out.
No, for now, all he wants to do is kiss Lukey again.
And so, with a bright grin on his face, he does.