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When it happens, Lukey is walking on the stony shores of Brighton at half past two in the morning with Pangi, gravel crunching under their feet. Gusts of oceanic wind bring the salty scent of salt and seaweed with them. The beach is empty save for the two of them, only the rhythmic crashing of the waves and the occasional distant car audible around them. They’re quiet too, but it’s a comforting, companionable silence.
Somehow, Lukey always forgets just how fun it is to hang out with Pangi in person, no matter what they’re doing. It’s probably because they talk so often even when they’re apart. Lukey really likes that too, and so as it becomes routine, he thinks surely, it can’t get better than this. But when they meet in person it’s just… different. More.
The wind picks up suddenly, and Lukey shivers, shoving his hands even deeper into his pockets. “It’s not quite the romantic walk on the beach you were imagining, is it?” he asks with a smirk on his face.
Pangi raises his brows. “Hello? I wasn’t imagining anything dude, you’re crazy.” He’s putting on his classic air of nonchalance, but oh, Lukey recognises that tone in his voice by now. He knows when Pangi’s looking for a challenge.
And boy, does Lukey love giving one to him. “I wasn’t the one getting so flustered I could barely speak when it was brought up. Don’t think I forgot about that one, Mister.” As the words leave his mouth he feels a thrill, a rush in his veins that eagerly awaits Pangi’s reaction. He feels his face flush with excitement, the sudden spike of anticipation quickening his heartbeat.
It only gets better when after a brief second of looking like his brain has short-circuited, Pangi’s expression turns almost smug, like he’s gotten exactly what he wanted. “What are we even saying?” he asks, not even pretending to be annoyed as he trails off into laughter.
Lukey takes his hand out of his pocket and stretches it towards Pangi, wiggling his fingers. “We can hold hands if you want,” he teases, fighting through his own giggles.
Playfully shoving Lukey’s shoulder, Pangi laughs even harder. “You’re such a freak, bro.”
Lukey’s insides are still buzzing as he pushes Pangi back in retaliation, making him stumble slightly. “Don’t pretend like you’re not worse.”
Pangi must already see the challenge in his eyes because he swats his way again, except this time Lukey manages to evade him, swiftly dodging the counterattack. He watches as Pangi’s eyes narrow slightly, blood thrumming in his veins as he realises what’s coming next.
Lukey takes off in a run, laughter bubbling from his throat. He can tell Pangi is quick to react, though, from how closely the sound of crunching gravel follows behind him. He only barely feels the rush of freezing air against his face; the cold drowned out by the fiery wave of adrenaline that crashes over him.
He pushes his legs as fast as they’ll go, but he can still tell Pangi is rapidly closing the distance between them. Not giving in so easily, he takes a sharp left turn to dodge around him and run the other way, but realises he must’ve miscalculated just how close Pangi already was, because as soon as he turns there’s a pair of hands wrapping around his forearm, and the combination of miscalculated momentum and the damp, slippery stones under his feet has him falling flat on his ass. At least he takes Pangi down with him too, who lands half on top of him with a small yelp.
“Shit,” Lukey gasps out between laughs. “You okay?”
Scrambling into a sitting position, Pangi has a bright grin on his face. “You’re actually so stupid,” he says, but even if his smile hadn’t already given him away, the way he dissolves into giggles certainly would.
“Hey, you at least had me to cushion your fall.”
Pangi gives him a once-over, and though Lukey is aware of the context here, the action sparks something dangerous in his insides. And what Pangi says next certainly doesn’t help either. “No offence, bro, but you’re probably just as hard as the rocks, I can’t lie.”
The opportunity is just too good for Lukey to pass up. “Shit, you noticed that?”
It takes a second for Pangi to realise what he means, his expression flashing through a series of emotions before settling on one that Lukey knows means he’s blushing, even if it isn’t really visible in the low light provided by the distant streetlights. “You’re— you know what I meant,” he complains, stumbling over his words, lightly bumping Lukey’s shoulder with his own.
And that’s when it happens. Sitting on a cold, stony beach, Lukey looks at Pangi and thinks ‘I wish you’d never ever leave my side again.’ Suddenly, he feels winded, like their air has been knocked out of his lungs by the force of the sudden mix of emotions rushing into his brain. The thought of getting to have this, permanently, is like touching a live wire.
He knows he should keep away from it. It’s just not attainable, not for a while at least. But his brain is fixated now, drawn to the idea like a moth to a flame. He’ll probably get burnt, but he doesn’t even care.
He wants more walks on the beach, more chases, more time, more anything. And it shouldn’t be a revelation, because Lukey likes to think he’s pretty in touch with his emotions and he’s known for a while what direction his and Pangi’s relationship has been heading, but the urgency of it still surprises him. It’s like a dam has been broken and all the want Lukey has been putting behind it has come rushing in.
“I…” he starts but trails off, stopping his mouth from saying something before his mind can catch up. He realises suddenly just how close their faces are, close enough that it would take barely any effort at all to lean in and close that distance. From the way Pangi suddenly tenses, gaze darting all over Lukey’s face, he must notice it too. Lukey wonders, for the briefest of moments, if he actually should just go for it. Would Pangi be surprised? Would he meet him with equal enthusiasm? Would he freeze for a moment, then tentatively return the kiss? Would he push Lukey away?
Maybe it’s best if Lukey doesn’t find out. He takes a deep breath. “I think we should probably head home soon. We’re barely getting any sleep as is, and tomorrow will be a long day.”
There’s a beat of silence. “Yeah, you’re probably right,” Pangi says eventually, pushing himself to his feet. Above him, the moon glows dimly from beyond the layer of clouds, like a personal spotlight. He looks almost ethereal. Still, Lukey knows the moment has passed, just like that.
But then, unexpectedly, Pangi reaches out a hand to help him up.
Lukey stares at his extended fingers for a fraction of a second but doesn’t hesitate too long for the fear that Pangi might rescind the offer.
The first thing he notices is that Pangi’s hand is warmer than his own. He doesn’t feel as cold as he did a few minutes ago, but the warmth is still welcome. The second thing he notices, once he’s on his feet, is that Pangi’s hand lingers for just a second longer than necessary, his fingertips gliding against Lukey’s palm as he pulls them away. Lukey has the briefest instinct to chase them, but instead he just shoves his hands into his pockets. Maybe it’s not the invitation he hopes it is. He doesn’t want wishful thinking to get the better of him.
Pangi is quiet as they walk towards the road, and Lukey doesn’t really know what to make of it. Most times, he can read Pangi so easily, but then there are these occasional moments where he feels completely lost. Usually, it’s the times he wants to know the most.
As they reach the pavement, Lukey draws in a long breath of the salty air. He really wishes the moment had lasted longer.
Shit, he sounds so desperate. But he doesn’t even care. If he’s honest, he is just desperate.
Suddenly, Pangi stops in his tracks, snapping Lukey out of his thoughts. Under the bright glow of the streetlights now, he can see that Pangi’s expression is conflicted, his brows drawn together like he’s thinking about something. “What is it?” Lukey asks, tilting his head slightly.
Something shifts in Pangi’s gaze as he looks at Lukey. But before Lukey can really make sense of it, Pangi steps closer, as close as they were a second ago, and he loses track of the thought.
For a moment, Pangi’s eyes widen, like he’s surprised at his own actions. “I just…” he starts, but he cuts himself off. Lukey just stares at him, finding himself speechless for once.
Eventually, Pangi takes a deep breath, and Lukey sees something like resolve overtake his expression. “Fuck it. I don’t want to wait,” he says, then leans forward.
It’s like Lukey’s body knows what’s about to happen before his brain can catch up. His hands are in Pangi’s hair already by the time he realises he’s being kissed.
He lets that instinct guide his movements, grateful for its existence, because his conscious mind is running a mile a minute, frantically jumping from thought to thought. The initial wave of confusion is quickly replaced by the overwhelming realisation that he’s actually kissing Pangi.
And suddenly, it all comes flooding in. Soft hair under his fingertips, a hesitant arm curling around his waist, and the faint scent of cologne. Pangi’s lips are slightly dry from the cold, moving slowly and carefully, almost like he’s worried about scaring Lukey away.
Well, that’s no good.
Lukey turns his head to deepen the kiss, and the change is almost instantaneous. Before he knows it, he’s being walked backwards until his back hits a lamppost. He inhales sharply through his nose as he makes contact with the cold metal, but he forgets all about it the moment Pangi pushes up against him, chest flush against Lukey’s. Each point of contact is like liquid fire injected into his veins, and he feels so hot all over suddenly that he almost wants to take off his jacket, even though the remaining logical part of his brain knows that would be a bad idea.
He tugs at Pangi’s hair lightly and is rewarded with a small gasp that sparks a pleasant shiver down his spine. Gone is the gentle hesitation now, replaced by the urgent need to be even closer.
Lukey has heard kisses be described as ‘searing’ before, but he thinks he only realises the true meaning of that now. It’s like there’s a small star burning in his chest, and he’s been changed permanently from the heat of it. He never wants to go back to what it was like before this moment, but even if he did, he doesn’t think he could.
As much as he would like for this to go one forever, he can feel himself rapidly running out of air, so he’s forced to pull away. Pangi tries to chase his lips for a moment, and Lukey is tempted to let him, but he does need to actually catch his breath. Pangi pouts as he gives up and opens his eyes.
Lukey feels suddenly overwhelmed by the warm buzz of fondness in his chest. “For the record, I don’t want to wait either,” he says.
And it’s true. Things would probably be easier if they did wait. With both of them so busy, not to mention living in different countries, the circumstances are far from ideal when it comes to starting a relationship. But the thought of waiting months, or even years, all while knowing Pangi is at an arm’s reach sounds like actual fucking torture.
“Good,” Pangi says, and Lukey can tell he’s trying to aim for a smug look, but the relief is easy to spot in his gaze.
Not that he had anything to worry about in the first place.
Lukey imagines himself a month from now, a year from now, five years from now, and knows with absolute certainty that there’s no version of him, no matter how far in the future, that doesn’t want this. Every turn of events, every future he imagines, the one constant is that he wants Pangi to be part of it.
Visions of interlocked hands and stolen kisses in flat in London, in a house in Brighton, in an office in Amsterdam, at a film festival, on a set in Italy, after a long stream, and on a warm, sunny beach float in his mind’s eye as he looks at Pangi’s still flushed face. He reaches a hand out, lacing their fingers together.
No matter which version of the future ends up playing out, he already can’t wait for it.