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The teenager's uneasiness kept growing each day in his chest.
He wasn't overthinking, was he? Something about Akito seemed off, he could see it, everyone could see it. But no one dared to say a word. They all observed him from afar, like cowards, as if asking a simple "are you okay?" were the most difficult thing in the world.
Toya was also a coward. His usually clingy boyfriend became less and less affectionate, not that he minded —well just a little, but he could understand that the ginger could have bad days and need some space. Everyone had bad days, everyone needed quiet and peace time from time to time.
But Akito wasn't just anyone.
It had been quite long, since Akito's usual habits faded away, just like that, like a leaf flying away in the sky, or is it on the ground?
None of those really mattered. His mind was trying to make him forget, to make him think hard enough, so maybe— maybe there would be a rational explaining, in which it didn't involved Akito being… being what? Sad? Angry? Or was he actually feeling anything?
Toya's breath cut shorter, and shorter. Now that he thought about it, Akito did have a hard time relying on people. The difference though, is that he would always end up cracking, cry in his arms, let himself being comforted like a baby, then maybe get second hand embarrassment the next day. But at least he was himself again.
But this time, he just isolated.
Toya instantly grabbed his phone. He needed to say something, anything, to receive a message back from him. Then, his eyes opened a wide. A message… from him. He felt something grow in his stomach, he didn't know if it was happiness, nervousness, anticipation… probably a mix of all that. He eagerly clicked on the notification, letting out a whiny sound as his other hand was now placed on his stomach, the butterflies taking much more space than he could've ever expected. He shut his eyes tight for a few seconds, then opened them again.
"Hey, I'm not coming to practice today."
… Huh? Okay, something was definitely wrong. If he could've ignored all the signs to respect Akito's secrets and privacy, he couldn't ignore this one. The ginger lived to sing. He worked out every day, always pushing himself further, to make sure not to fall behind. He would never miss a single practice, ever.
Now that he thought about it, why didn't he realise how bad it was, from the second the ginger stopped eating unless he was forced to, even though he would usually jump on the food right there and take the biggest bites? Or when Akito wouldn't even flinch next to dogs, as if his fears and survival instincts had disappeared?
Survival instincts? No, oh no.
Toya bit his nails, it started bleeding, he didn't care. Because Akito was probably feeling way more pain than he was right now. He stared at the text, he has left him on seen for around three minutes, he hadn't even noticed. His finger moved away from his mouth, and he typed on his keyboard.
"Are you sick?"
The message immediately shows "seen". Had his partner been waiting all this time staring his screen? Was it just a coincidence? Or did any of that even matter? Once again, his brain was trying to occupy him, to make him not burst with panic.
Akito typed. Then stopped, for around five seconds. Then, he typed again. Toya waited. What else could he do anyway?
"I don't know. I don't feel sick, but I don't feel unsick. Unsick, does that word even exist? Haha, you know what I mean anyway."
The taller would've usually chucked at the sight of that new word, "unsick". He would've thought "cute" then tell him to wait at home, that he would bring him medecine and… well… ask Tsukasa to cook. Yeah, Toya wasn't a great cook, he really tried, but a sick Akito would simply need good food, and Tsukasa knew how to do that. Right now, a bitter smile formed on his face.
"Yeah, sorry Akito. I promised that I would never invade your privacy too much, that I would always be patient. But this time, I'm scared of what might happen if I just observe from afar again."
**
He knocked.
He had the keys to the house, he knew he could just come in. But a part of him needed to make sure he wasn't overstepping. So he knocked. It put his mind at peace, even though his body had the opposite reaction. It trembled, impatient and worried. The door opened.
"… Hi. I'm guessing you're searching for Akito. He's in his room." Ena stepped aside, enough for Toya to nod politely, then walk upstairs. Not a single word was exchange between the two teenagers, Toya wanting to save each words for Akito, only Akito.
He walked— more like ran upstairs, two steps by two steps, forgetting about everything else. His earlier uneven breathing, clothes fidgeting, overwhelming emotions… it was all gone. And this time, he didn't knock. He just opened the door, without thinking.
The ginger looked at him. Their eyes met. It seemed like it took an awfully long time for the smaller to realise, ten long seconds. Then, his eyes widened, rapidly forming a shocked face. He opened his mouth, closed them back, looked around. Toya stared, trying to understand his unreadable behaviour.
"… Oh." Akito finally let out with a weak voice.
Toya's eyes finally broke contact with his, when something else brought his attention. Papers, with Akito's handwriting. Toya sensed that something was once again odd. His boyfriend had never liked studying, why would he study, and not come to practice. His suspicions got even bigger when Akito noticed the intense staring at the paper sheet, and immediately hid it.
"Babe, what is that…?" Toya started gently first.
But Akito's face dropped and he shook his head violently from left to right multiple times, taking a step back. The stoic man couldn't hide his surprise. What was happening? He took a step forward.
"Akito." He sounded a little less gently, but not rude. Just worried.
The ginger only responded with another step back. Toya knew tha he shouldn't be pushing Akito like this, because he was definitely overstepping and he knew he would hate himself, much more than usual, once Akito would calm down. But something deep inside of him ondered if all the answers were here.
The excessive reactions, loss of appetite, avoidment towards everyone, the will of surpassing RAD WEEKEND fading away, his tired eyes…
He grabbed both Akito's wrists, pressing his leg between the ginger's.
"Ahh… T-toya what-" he got cut off by his partner's lips crashing onto his. He quickly melted, and returned the kiss. He immediately slid his hands inside Toya's hair, and let out a shaky breath, shameless whimpers every time the taller would press his leg stronger between his now erection. His mind was hazy, but it felt weirdly nice, being able to think about nothing.
Without realising it, the smaller slowly let the crumpled paper sheet fall onto the ground, not making a sound.
"I'm sorry, Akito…" the smaller looked up, not completely back to earth yet. "I'm sure you'll understand later that I'm doing this because I love you." This time, Akito frowned. What was going on? Why did he stop kissing him? Why would he-
Oh.
When he realised what was happening, it was already too late. Toya's face had already twisted, his eyes already teary, his figure already trembling. He was reading it, his last letter before ending it. Toya was a smart man, this time it let a bitter feeling inside the once passionate singer.
Toya was smart. He was always there for him, and with an almost scary easiness, he understood immediately that he was not okay. Not in a "he's sick" not okay, but more like a "he's feeling everything and nothing at the same time." Tears ran down his cheek, he didn't even try to hold it in. When had he picked the paper? Had he kissed him because it was the only solution where Akito would fold without being hurt?
Yeah, Toya was really smart. Akito didn't deserve him.
"Hah… I should've written quicker." Toya lifts his head in terror, realising that his lover didn't seem like he was even considering living as an option. "Even better," a bitter chuckle escaped. "I told that damn bitch to not let anyone in. She really had to ruin everything, huh? Even my- my…" he stopped.
Akito didn't look angry, he didn't actually mean the part about his big sister. He was just feeling everything and nothing at the same time. He didn't cry, didn't talk. He just stared, like a dead person. No emotions.
Toya hugged him tight. He wasn't that muscular, he was in fact quite thin, but right now even Akito couldn't get away from his grip. Wow, adrenaline really does give you super power, huh? He bit his tongue, and only now, the silence was broken by his loud crying sounds. He was tired of holding it in. Of course he would break again, in his partner's arms. He didn't feel any shame or discomfort. He just needed to let everything explode.
The whole house could probably hear him, he didn't care. He wrapped his arms around Toya's waist tightly and kept crying, just like a newborn.
"A-akito…" the taller's voice cracked. "Please, don't go…" he held him closer, body pressed against each other, as if he were scared that a single centimeter away could make the ginger disappear.
"Don't worry. I'll stay." Only now, Toya's muscles could relax, after weeks of worries. Whether his Akito would be back or not, Toya didn't care. He would wait all the time of the world, if possible. He just wanted him to be here, breathing , alive, happy. Seeing him take big bites of pancakes with the cutest smile on his face, seeing the passion in his eyes whenever he would reveal his singing to the public, seeing him blush at the slightest compliment… But the best he coulddo for now…
… Was to hold him tight and remind him that he is loved.