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The curtain pulled across as Steve carried on in his usual blundering way and as the rings clacked the final string holding Danny’s too big, too fragile, too cracked heart finally gave way and silently it broke with tears slipping down his cheeks. Steve carried on his usual way of treating everything blithely and what used to fuel Danny’s day in the car became just a point of pain. He hadn’t wanted a big show of gratitude, he hadn’t wanted a huge fuss, but he did want to be seen and for Steve just once seriously acknowledge his life had skated close, if not over the line, towards death. Danny wasn’t convinced like Steve seemed to be, that if things had been the other way around, he would have without thought, done the same thing for him. He wasn’t been self deprecating, or thinking Steve callous, he just wasn’t sure that Steve would have just washed away his links to the Navy that easily.
As Steve rumbled on the tears wouldn’t stop and Danny realised something had to change. Loving Steve was easy, but dealing with it had slowly been becoming harder. Lou was more and more being partnered with Steve and he understood that was because he hadn’t been around maybe as much because of the whole Charlie problem. There was another thing that had slowly shattered him, his burning anger at Rachel had finally started to fade, but the loss of those years with his son and also the knowledge that he only knew because Rachel wanted Charlie to live was tough to deal with. Steve had been right about doing the best for his son but then to say that Charlie would grow to hate him as he grew older was just the last straw; things had to change.
As the lights went off and Steve slowly stopped his random rumblings at Danny and who knew it would be Steve who couldn’t be silent, Danny slowly planned what he was going to do. He couldn’t stay here anymore, his place in 5-0 was becoming slowly eroded not by Lou but by the circumstances in his life and he’d had enough of being the stooge of the Steve show. He desperately wanted to be the one to help Steve in the coming months come to terms with nearly dying, about being on medication for the rest of his life and his naval career coming to an end, but he needed just this once to consider himself. Shockingly he was coming to the understanding maybe he needed to leave the island for a while and work elsewhere, to leave Grace and Charlie felt like a hot poker to his side but to be a good father he needed to be a good man and at the moment he recognized he was just a hollow shell.
As the days went on, Danny planned quietly but carried on as normal. As Steve and he bantered back and forth Danny ached at the way Steve showed no knowledge or even understanding of any pain Danny might be in. As the others crowded in the room, it was quite simply the Steve show and he felt more and more he was just a spare part to the whole story. The team weren’t being deliberately cruel; he was just a moon orbiting the bright sun of Steve.
He was released before Steve and as he packed up his bag and Rachel hovered in the hallway he told Steve to behave and not to jump out of any windows, he offered the usual banter they were all used to with his arms waving and accusing the Neanderthal Seal of all sorts of nonsense and silently grieved that no one really noticed it was an act. Rachel was silent in the car and he quietly watched out of the window at things he was going to leave behind. His phone beeped, Steve had texted saying NO Malasadas! And can you bring me toothpaste tomorrow.
He laughed and turned to Rachel saying ‘can you believe this I’ve been gone 5 minutes and I’m already getting orders from him’ Rachel looked at him closely, Danny realized he may have sounded sharper than he meant. She said nothing and then as a few more minutes had passed, quietly she asked ‘I have no right to know, but are you and Steve ok?’ Danny shrugged, ‘I gave him half my liver so I think so’ there was an uncomfortable silence as the car stopped at lights she turned and looked him full in the face ‘I wish he could really see you and really know you.’ He was astounded and felt his whole skin tighten, had she worked out what no one else had, that he was so lost and torn apart? ‘I can only say sorry so many times about Charlie, but I was a fool and I wish I could take the time back and do it all again differently. I’ve been so focused on me that I forgot you were a parent too, and that you traveled here just to be with Grace.’
Danny hung his head, Rachel had finally recognized his role as a parent and he was planning to leave. The pain screaming through his head at that point was almost unbearable, as the car pulled off from the lights he tried to breathe but he could feel the panic bubbling up and the pain of being not enough, failing, loving that stupid SEAL, Rachel finally recognizing her guilt was too much. He was hyperventilating, and tears just rolling down his face. Rachel looked across and shocked to her core pulled the car onto the side of the road, she got out of the car and ran around to the passenger door pulled it open and grabbed Danny and held him tight. He kept trying to get out of her grip and stop the stupid sobs but he couldn’t and finally as she rubbed his back he gained control again. As he rubbed the heels of his hands in his eye he mumbled apologies. Rachel sat back on her heels, fixed a look that usually spelt trouble and said quietly. ‘You love him and he’s finally broken you, I know I started the breaking but he’s finished you I could kill him.’ He looked at her and all he could do was laugh, the idea of his oh so polite, uptight English ex wife facing down the brick wall that was Steve was just hilarious and to be honest he had no idea who would win.
As he calmed down, she walked around to the driver’s side and started again. ‘You’re staying with us tonight’ there was no room for discussion in her voice, and to be honest he liked the idea of being with the kids and strangely her no nonsense approach to his loving Steve was ok. 10 minutes later as they pulled into the front of the house, she looked at him ‘You need to consider yourself for a while. The children love you and that won’t change, and I’ve realised I’ve made a lot of mistake and I want to help you. What are you planning to do, because I know you well enough to know there’s a plan somewhere’ With a deep breath Danny talked and talked at Rachel as they sat in her car he spoke of feeling lost and abandoned, that whilst he loved 5-0 he needed time out, maybe permanently and New Jersey also wasn’t the answer as his parents would drive him nuts. He wanted quite simply peace and quiet and time to heal a much fractured heart. He spoke of feeling inadequate and lost and Rachel in her turn let him ramble on, recognizing this was the first time in a very long time someone had actually listened to Danny in all his rawness. When he seemed to have finished she laid her hand on his arm ‘we’re going inside, you’re going to spend the rest of the day with the children, you’re going to sleep tonight and tomorrow we’ll talk more and maybe we can think of something together that will help. I failed you and I helped you get into this dark place let me help you please.’ In that moment Danny and Rachel looked at each other, the years of snarling, bickering and pain between them gone. Danny slowly nodded his head he wasn’t sure he could say any more without a further breakdown. He got out of the car slowly and Rachel grabbed his bag. With a small smile she said ‘sleep tonight and tomorrow we’ll start putting the world back together’ Danny couldn’t believe of all people on this island she was the one to see through all of the layers he’d put up. He never wanted to be with her again, but he did see for the first time in a long time why he had loved her so completely.
The rest of the day passed quietly, Rachel had warned the children that Danny was in pain and quite sleepy. Grace spent most of the day attached to his side reading, or watching TV and Charlie pottered around him sometimes wanting hugs but then going off to play. After the children had gone to bed with promises of Danny still being there when they got up, Rachel quietly said, ‘don’t go into hospital tomorrow, I’ll take the children’ ‘and the toothpaste ‘Danny interjected. Rachel smiled, ‘have a lie in – I’ll bring the children in and you can pretend to be asleep and they can tell Steve without lying you weren’t awake to come in’ Danny nodded in grateful thanks. There was quietness between them that had never been before. Rachel went and made a drink for Danny then as she returned asked ‘so where are you going?’ they both laughed as Danny huffed ‘well definitely not my mothers...’ he leaned forward, winced and leaned back again. ‘Jake from school has a kind of wilderness retreat and I emailed him to see if initially I could stay there for a while. He said its fine but there’s always stuff to do if I want to stay for a while.’ Rachel raised an eyebrow ‘Wilderness?’ he laughed ‘Not Neanderthal idea of wilderness, but log cabins, trails and stuff like that. I like the idea of peace but also working on simple things.’ She touched his arm, ‘When?’ ‘There are a few flights over the next week, but I think the day after tomorrow, I have to fly to LA as if I was going home so that won’t be strange to anyone.’ There was a long pause ‘are you telling anyone?’ ‘Nope’ at that point Danny’s face took on a mutinous look that Grace had inherited ‘time to look after me, I’m not sure Rach that anyone will really notice, 5-0 doesn’t really need me anymore.’ Rachel grabbed his hand and went to say something and realized better of it, ‘We’ll tell the children in the morning after we come back from hospital, we’ll just say you going home to get better.’ She raised her hand as Danny looked as if he was going to argue. ‘I’ll explain later to Grace – but initially we need to give you time and space. Danny she knows you love her and she’ll understand let’s get you to Jake’s and some peace to heal and breathe.’
And so it happened just as Rachel and Danny planned. He flew off with no fanfare and 5-0, especially Steve, had no idea that Detective Daniel Williams had left the island and more importantly left them. If Danny cried all the way to LA, well it was quietly and really no one’s business at all. When he arrived at his final destination Jake was there, a great bear of a man who took one look and grabbed him and didn’t let him go for a long time. The healing of Danny Williams was slowly beginning.
***
It was Chin who felt the first prickle of unease about Danny. Every so often he would think about Danny and then just as quickly the thought would slip away. Rachel had brought the children to see Steve twice after Danny was discharged; the first time Grace and Charlie were laughing about Danny’s bed head and snoring and the second time a couple of days later they said he decided to go and see his family and had flown back to New Jersey. There had been a few jokes about Danny moaning about the flight and how he’d given Rachel strict instructions to tell Steve to stay away from trouble, windows and generally try to obey the doctors, Grace laughed as she imitated her Dad. If Chin considered it more than fleetingly he would be puzzled by the look on Rachel’s face but just as quickly the thought would go again.
Life carried on, it was now a month later Steve was starting to recuperate and for once wasn’t trying to do everything in his power to kill himself. He was at home and slowly getting better, still sleeping far more than he was comfortable with but also enjoying time to consider what next. It was a Friday and the team were coming around for food and he was looking forward to catching up with them all.
The evening was slow and quiet, friends talking and catching up and enjoying sitting round a fire on the beach. Chin looked at them all around the fire, Steve still had a slightly pasty look about him, Lou just looked like he was about to nod off. Kono was still and Chin could feel himself relax as the ohana was all there and ok. It was then the thought split through him and almost physically winded him. There was no Danny. He turned to the person who surely knew how he was,
‘Steve how’s Danny’ he rumbled quietly. Steve looked up surprised, ‘still in New Jersey I think. I thought he’d been in touch with the team, as Denning said he’d put in for some more recuperation time.’ There was a pause, ‘He’s not been in touch with you? Nagging you and generally berating you and being Danny then?’ asked Chin quietly trying desperately trying not to give into a sense of impending panic. Steve shrugged ‘no he’s with his family why would he?’ The others looked at Chin slightly perplexed in the way Chin seemed to be all of a sudden in work mode. ‘Chin’ Steve said ‘he hates the islands, he’s with his family he probably needs the pollution, the cold and pizza, when he’s back he’ll soon be moaning on about pineapple and how we don’t know how hard it is for him’ the others chuffed quietly and Chin looked around. His heart was clamped tight in a vice, something wasn’t right Danny wouldn’t have just gone and not fussed over Steve, he wouldn’t not fuss via text. Did Steve really not think that maybe he should be checking on Danny? ‘Have you texted him’ he tried to ask casually. ‘Not really’ came the reply, ‘didn’t need the grief, you know how he is. He’ll be fussing over stupid things better let him get over it where we don’t have to deal with the bitching.’
Chin sat there quietly as the others continued on, he looked at them all in the darkening light not one of them seemed concerned. When had things drifted so far? Danny had given half of his liver without thought, had pushed the plane onto the beach instead of the sea to give Steve the best shot and yet they hadn’t noticed his departure.
The grief and shame welled up in Chin. He made his goodbyes and headed home. As he made a drink and sat on his couch he found himself considering all that had happened, how Danny had been so stoic and Steve had just been plain Steve about it all. It was a sleepless night for Chin and as soon as it was a decent hour he phoned Rachel. After pleasantries he inquired after Danny. There was an icy tone ‘he’s been gone a month and now you phone?’ before Chin could answer he could hear Rachel dealing with Grace bouncing around her, ‘Mr Kelly my daughter wants a word’ Chin smiled at the phone ‘Grace howzit?’ there followed the usual Grace fast paced speech, she channeled her father so much it was funny then she paused ‘Danno is not very well uncle Chin he’s not coming home yet’ Grace sounded all of a sudden small and sad. ‘But he’s with his Mom that will make him feel better and proper pizza because you know that’s important to your Danno’ Chin easily replied.
There was a silence on the phone. ‘Uncle Chin, he’s not in New Jersey’ said the same small voice she’d used before ‘he’s gone away somewhere to get much better and he’s thinking..’ the phone was obviously snatched out of her hands and Rachel came back on the line. ‘Danny is recuperating in the best way possible’ icily came down the line. ‘So when did he leave New Jersey’ Chin asked. ‘He never went there and good day Mr Kelly.’ The phone was firmly replaced and Chin stood there with the phone in his hand stunned.
***
He went into the office, fully focused on what he had to do, he pulled up Danny’s phone and tried to track it, it wasn’t anywhere. He realized what he was going to do next was much more a Steve move but that nagging worry was now fully fledged. He pulled up Danny’s financials and tracked his movements. They got as far as him landing in LA the day they were told he had flown home. A large sum of money had been withdrawn from his savings account and that was the end of his cyber presence. Chin stood there, and bowed his head. Danny didn’t want to be found. How had it taken him a month to realize Danny had withdrawn from their lives?
Kono breezed into the office and took one look at Chin and felt the panic rise in her, he looked so lost almost as bad as when Malia died. ‘Brah?’ Chin took a deep breath and said quietly ‘ Danny left a month ago, he didn’t go to New Jersey and he made it so we have no idea where he is, Grace knows he’s not at his parents but not where, Rachel obviously knows far more than she’s letting on and really doesn’t like us. Danny doesn’t want to be found and it took me a month to realize it.’
Kono sat down, ‘nah you’re wrong that doesn’t make sense. ‘ Chin fixed her with a harsh look ‘when I mentioned him last night none of us knew how he was, we all passed it off and no one seemed to think it odd Steve hasn’t heard from him and the only one is Denning as Danny had asked for some more time off.’ ‘But...’ She looked determined ‘he needed to get better so did what was best for him’ Chin laughed quietly ‘yes, and we weren’t the best for him. When did that happen? How bad is Danny that not even his precious Grace knows where he is?’ ‘Steve wasn’t worried’ Kono still wasn’t convinced by Chins worry ‘and those 2 are like Siamese twins most of the time so if he’s not worried I’m not’
Chin slumped into a chair and rubbed his hand over his head ‘the last few months have been tough, Danny has been helping Charlie with treatment, Lou has partnered as much with Steve as Danny has. Danny has been trying to do everything for everyone, he gives half his liver to Steve and then in the hospital we were all there worrying about Steve, I just realised last night no one really thought about what Danny did we just assumed he would do it. There was Steve in bed receiving all these accolades flowers and things and Danny quietly in the bed next to him was just the spare parts guy.’ Kono looked shocked at the tone in Chins voice. ‘But....’ ‘NO KONO’ Chin shouted in frustration ‘cant you see what we did and how alone Danny must have felt? Can you imagine the trash talk Steve would have given in the room once we’d gone? Our short noisy haole is not as tough as he’d like us all to believe and trust me Rachel hates us, something is seriously wrong.’ Kono’s eyes filled up, and Lou spoke ‘after you asked last night I spent half the night thinking about it’ Kono and Chin looked surprised, they hadn’t even noticed him arrive. ‘I’m worried’ Lou continued ‘how bad are we that we didn’t realise’ Chin shrugged, ‘I'll go and talk to Denning’ Kono and Lou looked at him ‘surely Steve’ Kono ventured. ‘Nah, he’s only contacted Denning let’s see what he knows’
A case came in and they set to it and it was only 3 days later Chin could go and see Denning. After filling him on what had happened and why exactly Kono had needed to rush a suspect off the pier he asked if he’d heard from Danny. There was a silence from Denning, he arched his eyebrow and said ‘Detective Williams is considering his position in 5-0 he’s asked for a further 4 months off without pay. It seems that the tight team you once were is not so much anymore. His ex wife is particularly vitriolic about you all and I’ll be honest I’ll be incredibly sad to lose such a fine Detective but I’m not holding out much hope. Good Day Mr Kelly.’
Chin walked quietly and slowly into the office. The others looked up he shook his head and relayed what Denning had said. ‘Someone has to tell Steve’ Kono whispered. Chin’s face became completely shut off ‘I will.’
***
Danny was slowly getting physically better, after arriving at Jakes he seemed to do nothing but sleep, eat, watch a bit of TV read a book and sleep again. Jake had left him to it for the first week, he had given Danny a small cabin on the edge of his holiday place, just dropping in to leave some food and pass the time of day. Jakes eyes didn’t miss much and he could see the physical weariness was slowly getting better, but the deadness in Danny’s eyes was not moving.
After the first week Danny ventured out and offered to help out in any way he could. Jake jumped on Danny’s slightly limited computer skills and asked him to do some admin that had been left, in addition to that it seemed Jake hadn’t filed anything for at least a year and so quietly with a radio playing in the background Danny had tackled that, what worried Jake was there was very little grumbling or general Danny noise as he did so.
Jake and Danny had known each other for most of their lives, not best friends in school but a friendship that developed and grown over the years, though they hadn’t seen each other since Jake had left for his new life 6 months before Danny had left for Hawaii they had kept in contact via email and phone and of course their respective parents. Jake was a huge bear of a man and since moving had grown a grizzly of beard, smelling generally of woodsmoke and hard work he was a man of few words.
Slowly Jake tackled Danny about what had driven him to leave Hawaii and why he was not back with his parents. The initial attempts he made were brushed off and then finally 2 weeks after arriving with a great sigh Danny said ‘OK let’s talk’ Over a meal, Danny talked and talked, he left nothing out he spoke of meeting Steve, the various mad moments involving Korea, Afghanistan and helicopters with nukes... Jake’s quiet steady presence helped Danny just let it all out, the hurt, the disappointment, the anger and finally as he drew to a close he looked Jake in the face and said ‘I’m not sure I want to go back, a week ago I wasn’t sure if I wanted to wake up but that seems to have passed.’ Jake moved and wrapped an arm around Danny ‘there’s no rush – contact your boss and ask for a couple of months off explain that your considering what to do next.’ Danny looked up at him and agreed ‘Good idea, just got to tell Rachel and the kids’ Jake hugged him tighter, ‘Rachel understands more than you realize and won’t use this against you with the children’ Danny looked surprised, Jake continued ‘We’ve spoken a lot – she realized you were far from ok much more that you were admitting to’ Jake laughed ‘She really is pissed off with your team I’d forgotten how funny it is when she lets rips with that accent.’ Danny laughed ‘yep, it’s funny when it’s not you!’
The evening continued quietly gentle conversation and tv. Jake and Danny were comfortable with each other always had been and that was the most healing thing for Danny, no fuss, no jokes just an acceptance that things weren’t good but they were going to get better with time. The next few weeks continued in much same vein, Danny started doing more around the site, occasionally talking to guests but generally keeping himself to himself and just spending time with Jake. He found himself in the onsite gym slowly building up his strength, and he surprised himself in how much he was enjoying walking around the area in the woods and just appreciating the time to be. He wasn’t fooling himself he knew at some point decisions had to be made but right now this was what was needed.
It was one such day Danny was heading off when Jake called him over ‘Rachel rang your team has realized that you’re missing – apparently she talked with Chin this morning and Grace kinda let the cat out of the bag.’ Danny smiled softly, ‘a month – well that just goes to show things were as I thought it took them a month to realize and partly because Grace let something slip.’ Jake fixed him with an eye and said ‘So...’ Danny laughed bitterly ‘so, nothing, they can’t find me easily not without searching Rachel’s records and it’s not that an important thing for them, after landing in LA I managed to go off the grid.’ Jake searched Danny’s eyes ‘Are you sure you’re ok – you could ring them and just say you’re taking a sabbatical?’ Danny stared at the floor, ‘No, I can’t bear to hear the false protestations. It’s quite clear where I stand. On the outside, somehow I’m not really a member of the team anymore.’ As he said the words Danny’s heart broke just a little bit, somewhere in the back of his mind he had thought he was worth more than a random thought after a month. Jake reached out and Danny flinched away ‘Jake, I’m going for a walk I promise I’ll be back later.’ His friend huffed ‘my place at 7 for steak’ Danny nodded his emotions were suddenly back all over the place and he needed just to go.
***
Chin headed for Steve’s. The anger building up in him was not just at Steve but at himself and the rest of the team, how could they have done this? How could they not have seen how Danny was feeling and more importantly how they had not noticed his absence?
Steve was on the lanai when he arrived; he smiled and gestured to sit on the chair next to him. Chin remained standing and said with little inflection ‘Danny didn’t go to New Jersey, he’s been off the grid from the moment he landed in LA, he’s asked for 4 months off to consider his position and Rachel is seriously pissed.’ Chins face remained shuttered and the tension in his voice hinted at an explosion under the surface developing. Steve looked up, ‘what?’ he stood up and moved towards Chin, ‘You’re wrong he texted me the other day, he’s fine’ Chin glared at Steve – ‘look at your phone’ Steve cocked an eyebrow and scrolled through his phone, then quietly looked up his face blank, Chin stared at him and then with a deadly quiet voice ‘Steven McGarrett I’m ashamed of how we followed your example in treating Danny and now it seems we’ve all destroyed him’ he turned to leave, Steve grabbed his arm ‘hang on that’s not fair..’ Chin shook off his arm the look on his face one Steve had never seen before, ‘he gave you half his liver and you laughed at him, you’ve sidelined him and knowing you, in the hospital you did your Steve the Seal routine and Danny was the butt of all of it’ Steve shuffled ‘half his fucking liver’ Chin suddenly shouted at Steve. As Steve stood there and tried to wrap his head around things, Chin turned around and stormed out. Steve sat down and heavily dropped his head in his hands.
***
As Steve was sitting still on the lanai considering not just what Chin had said but the vehemence with which it was said, Danny was sitting opposite Jake talking about what to do next. Jake smiled gently as Danny’s arms started to wave around a little bit as he talked about being a police man and whether he should go back to 5-0, back to HPD or even back to Hawaii at all. It was the first real sign of the real Danny coming back it seemed despite just a few days before hearing that someone had finally noticed his disappearance he was starting to come back to life.
Jake threw into the conversation that Danny could stay at the wilderness resort and work fulltime. He and Danny got on well enough and there was always enough work for the 2 of them. Jake was not a man who needed a lot of company, he’d been on his own since his wife had died a year before he moved to where he was and he had no interest in finding a replacement. She had been it for him as far as he was concerned and he had a feeling that Danny had found that sense of completion with Steve except it wasn’t reciprocated. Jake didn’t want to meet this Steve as he had obliviously destroyed his friend.
***
Steve hardly slept, he was in a state of shock at the sheer bile that Chin had spat at him; he’d texted Kono and Lou later as he gathered his thoughts together and their responses were not much better. Their friend had left, their friend had been let down by them and quite simply in Kono’s text it was his f’ing fault and they had blindly followed.
So the next day Steve headed over to see Rachel. As the doorbell rang and he could hear heels on the floor coming towards the door he rubbed his hands over his head whilst he struggled to find the words. Rachel stared at him very coolly, raised an eyebrow and just said ‘Yes?’ Steve rubbed his hands together ‘I understand Danny has disappeared and is thinking about what to do next, I came to ask how he is and if I can get in touch with him?’ at the sound of his voice 2 pairs of feet came running Charlie with the unsteady gait of a small child and Grace with that easy way of moving but still making sure Charlie was ok. Rachel sighed ‘No, you have no right to know. When I speak to him I’ll ask him if he wants me to pass on a message.’ Grace was staring at him hard, he bent down grinning and opening his arms said ‘Hi Gracie, Charlie’ Grace took a step back holding Charlie’s hand. Steve looked confused and stood up again ‘Gracie?’ She looked at her mother and Rachel said ‘Grace do you want to say something to Steve? You can if you want?’ Grace looked at Steve and said quietly and with an awful lot of anger in her voice ‘You promised to look after him, you promised he wouldn’t get hurt’ Steve sighed ‘Gracie he chose to give me his liver I didn’t know’ ‘Its Grace’ she said firmly ‘I don’t mean about the liver, but about everything else, I’ve been thinking about it and talking to Mum about it and you did hurt Danno.’ Steve looked nonplussed, pulling herself up straight and staring him right in the eye Grace said just 3 words ‘You’re a bully’ and then she turned around with Charlie and walked away and as she did so Steve could see her shoulders shaking and then as she went into a room he could hear heartbreaking sobs.
Rachel raised her eyebrow again. ‘You have your answer. As I said when I speak to him I’ll ask’ Steve stammered out ‘A bully, Grace thinks I’m a bully?’ Rachel nodded, ‘maybe you should think about that commander.’
***
All the way home all Steve could hear was those three words of Grace, echoing around his head. Why would she call him that? He wasn’t a bully, he always stuck up for those who had no voice, in school he’d always made sure others in the football team didn’t pick on the weaker kids. He just teased Danny and Danny did likewise. He’d never hurt him, ok, there were incidents Danny had got injured though work but it wasn’t his fault. Why would she call him a bully? A Bully? What had Rachel said to her? What had Danny said?
As soon as he got home he rang the office and Chin answered, Steve said ‘Where did Danny go?’ Chin sighed ‘I told you he went off the grid as soon as he landed in LA, how was Rachel?’ There was silence down the phone, Chin prompted him ‘Steve’ a small voice came down the line ‘Grace called me a bully and hates me, guess Rachel has really put the boot in this time.’ There was silence and Steve felt his stomach drop surely Chin didn’t agree with Grace ‘Steve,’ Chins voice was hesitant ‘I think she may be actually be right in a simple way, I think we all let you get away with things that maybe we shouldn’t have’ Steve was stunned ‘No! I’ve never been a bully. I hate people who abuse others you know me!’ Chin huffed quietly ‘things changed Steve, Danny and you stopped bantering and you became nastier and harsher and somehow always manage to make a joke of that which is important to Danny’ Steve could feel the floor dropping away from beneath him Chin continued ‘if you needed him he was there in a heartbeat, when he was struggling with the hospital visits and the Charlie situation all you did was partner Lou more and not include Danny, and..’ Chins voice trailed off ‘No, please continue’ Steve icily spoke ‘Steve, you mocked him as a father, you blithely would discount his opinions, you find out you have half his liver and all you can do is joke about much more loved you are. I also wonder what you said after we left.’ There was silence. After a long pause Steve spoke down the phone ‘I need to think, come by after work?’ Chin agreed put the phone down and looked at the others ‘Grace called him a bully and whilst it may be a bit simple to say that, I think she’s right. I’m going over to Steve’s after work.’
***
As Chin arranged to meet with Steve, Rachel phoned Jake and asked how Danny was and if he felt like talking to her and the Children. Just a few minutes later her cell rang and Danny hesitantly said ‘Hi Rach,’ Rachel sat down ‘How are you, Jake said you’ve been doing more and more and starting to do a bit round the site.’ Danny laughed ‘I’m in the forest, walking around and there’s no pineapple lurking to get me and the weather is more me so yeah I’m good.’ Rachel listened carefully he still sounded not completely right but an awful lot better than the day she put him on the plane. ‘The Commander came round, and Grace put him right’ she offered quietly, there was a painful silence ‘Grace put him right?’ came the response finally ‘Well, let’s just say she has your style of just saying it straight and my brevity’ she nervously laughed. Danny rubbed his head and said ‘Go on...’ Rachel filled him in on what had happened and how Grace had walked away from Steve
and how he looked stunned by being called a bully by the girl who had always adored her uncle Steve.
Rachel waited for Danny to say something she knew this was a big deal, she believed Grace had hit the nail on the head, Steve had changed the relationship for some reason and used Danny as someone to vent on and because Danny loved him he had let it happen. ‘Grace said that? Well, it’s a bit harsh but at the same time Rach, it does kinda sum up how I’ve been feeling without realising it I know I love him and I thought it was just me not coping with that.’ Rachel smiled softly ‘I think the Commander is in for a bumpy night because I think others are going to agree with Grace.’ Danny looked at the phone in surprise Rachel was very definitely being friendly and on his side. ‘Rach, thanks for everything are the kids around for me to talk too?’ As he said that he looked at his watch calculated the time difference and ‘Scrub that I just realised they must be in school – how are they?’ What followed was a conversation for over an hour as they talked about their children and Danny could feel half of his soul knitting back together. He missed the children but he also knew they were in safe hands and Rachel had this time explained his disappearance in a way that was least hurtful to all of them.
As they were drawing to a close Rachel said ‘hang on a minute,’ he could hear her walking and quietly speaking to someone and then like a ray of sunshine he heard ‘Danno!’ his whole face broke into a grin as Grace talked fast and he could see in his mind’s eye her arms waving around as she told him all that he had missed, she put Charlie on for a bit then took back the phone obviously with far more to say. As she stopped to draw breath she paused and quietly said ‘Uncle Steve was here and I was mean.’ Danny took a deep breath, ‘Your Mum told me what happened Grace, she said you were very upset afterwards’ ‘I was so angry Danno and he just thought he could give me a hug and I was so mad that he had made you so unhappy’ Danny thought for a moment ‘Monkey, sometimes friendships go wrong, things have been difficult for Uncle Steve and for Me this year and Uncle Steve is not like us he doesn’t talk about things. He loves you and Charlie very much and he will be very upset you were cross with him. Just because he and I aren’t doing well doesn’t mean you can’t see him. He’d never let anything happen to you and if you are ever in trouble you can always ring him you know that don’t you.’ Grace’s small voice came down the line ‘Yes, but Danno he was mean to you’ ‘Monkey’ he said firmly ‘He didn’t know I was sad, and it doesn’t change things for you and him. I bet he would love to hear from you. When you get off the phone give him a ring and make friends again.’ Grace thought for a while ‘When are you coming back? Cos Uncle Steve will ask’ Danny laughed ‘Soon, I’m much better I just need to decide what I am going to do’ Grace said nothing, not wanting to seem childish and push things. ‘I miss you Danno’ ‘Oh Monkey I love you and Charlie so much but I was really ill and needed all the fresh air here at Uncle Jakes.’ Grace smiled to herself; her mother hadn’t told her that Danno was at Uncle Jakes so that if Uncle Steve did look sorry and want to know where Danno was she could tell him. After many goodbyes and I love yous they bought put their phones down and both felt a little better. Danny started to think maybe it was time to think about what to do next.
***
Chin let himself into Steve’s and found him on the sofa, red eyed and scarily still. Chin sat down and waited for him to say something but nothing seemed to be coming. He laid his hand on Steve’s back and just waited. Finally he looked Chin in the face ‘What have I done?’ he rubbed his face and stared at the floor again ‘How did I not see? Why did he let me get that?’ Chin thought for a moment, ‘I think he knew things were hard for you and let you have some time to work them out whilst looking after his stuff as well.’ Chin considered how to say the next thing as he really didn’t know how Steve would respond ‘Danny cares more than we give him credit. He makes noise, waves his arms around but it’s a front and we forgot that, all of us, but..’ Chins voice stopped ‘but what?’ demanded Steve looking at Chin ‘I don’t understand any of this’ he continued. As he looked at Steve Chin realized that the former seal had no idea of the depth of pain Danny was in because he didn’t seem to realise how deeply Danny felt about things. ‘Steve, Danny left all he knew to follow his child across the country this is what he does for those he loves, when he cares deeply he will do anything for someone’s happiness’ he paused and threw all caution to the wind ‘he goes to Korea, Afghanistan and gives half his liver when he feels deeply for someone, how many of your other friends would do that? Yet recently you’ve been as Grace put it a bully. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, Steve, if the situations had been reversed would you have done the same, and I’ve realized you would, so why make Danny feel so small and unvalued?’ Steve sat and stared at the floor again as if all the universes answers were there.
Chin left Steve to think and went to grab a drink and grabbed one for his quiet unmoving friend. He just sat there letting Steve think. As the sun slowly sank down and the house darkened Chin waited. Finally when he could hardly see his hands in front of him Steve spoke in a broken voice ‘he’s my best friend. He has always been there and been someone to bounce off. In my head I was going to marry Catherine and he would be next to me and that was it, a happy life. But then she left again, and I do understand, but suddenly’ his voice trailed off, Chin waited patiently ‘I didn’t really miss her I thought about it and realized that the picture had changed that as long as Danny was around life was good.’ He leant back and looked at the ceiling ‘my dad, well you knew him, he wasn’t a man of words and Danny is so full of words, he lets you know every feeling he has and when you’re his it’s like being surrounded in sunshine and first of all I only saw this around Grace but then it surrounded me and us at 5-0 and it felt great.’
Chin smiled softly with the knowledge Steve had no idea he sounded more like a man who had lost his lover than a friend. ‘Brah, so what changed’ Steve grew agitated and went to move but Chin’s arm firmly grasped his elbow and forced him to sit down ‘we’ve known each other a long time, whatever you tell me I’ll still be here’ Steve paused and in a small quiet voice ‘I think I love him’ the older man just h’mmed and Steve went to clarify but he just quietly said ‘You love him like you thought you should love Catherine’ the seal nodded and as Chin looked at him he could see Steve was expecting rejection at least, violence at worse because his whole body tensed ready to fight. Chin grinned at him ‘so you were a dick because you were scared’ Steve looked smaller and smaller. He wrapped his arm around him and said ‘Well that’s fixable, when Danny gets back you need to be a big brave seal and have a conversation and apologize’ Steve raised dubious eyes ‘ we all do, we forgot how to be ohana and let one of our own get hurt.’ Chin continued ‘Brah it’s not just you but we can’t do anything until he comes back. Now I’m starving lets go get food.’ As Steve slowly got up from the sofa Chin grabbed him and held him tight. As he let go both of them had suspiciously wet eyes but neither said anything and they headed out of the door.
***
It took Grace a few days to drum up the courage to speak to Steve and finally she asked her mum what to do. Rachel had heard most of the conversation and after talking a while with Grace they decided to ask Steve if he wanted to take Grace for shaved ice. So, finally Grace phoned him and when he answered he quietly said ‘Hallo Grace’ she frowned and then spoke ‘Uncle Steve, I’m sorry I was mean, can I buy you a shaved ice to say sorry.’ Steve was shocked and said ‘Does your mum know you’re ringing Grace?’ ‘Yes, she said it would be fine for you to take me for shaved ice and Danno said I should always phone you in an emergency.’ Steve laughed ‘I’m not sure shaved ice is an emergency Grace, or that your Dad would say that at the moment.’ ‘Yes he would’ she said emphatically ‘I spoke to him the day after I saw you and he told me that I could always count on you’ Steve was stunned, even when Danny was hurting he protected his loved ones, he could have said all sorts of things to Grace and yet he didn’t. Steve felt humbled. They arranged that he would pick her up after school the next day and before he put the phone down he asked to speak to Rachel. ‘Thanks I really appreciate this’ he said ‘well Commander’ came the frosty tone ‘maybe you’ll learn something from talking to Grace about how friends behave and how not to.’ ‘I know I’ve been awful’ came the quiet response, ‘we all forgot that Ohana needs work sometimes and I never had a best friend like Danny before so’ Steve stopped, he heard a sigh ‘he’s not your best friend though is he? He became the focus of all your fears and worries and you took it out on him because you knew he would always be there.’ ‘I fell in love with him and instead of being a grownup I hid it’ he replied with deep and painful honesty. ‘Then fix it when he gets back’ came back the snappy reply ‘I will do my best’ he murmured not willing to ask if she felt Danny may feel the same way. As he went to put the phone down her voice came across the line again ‘Commander, if you fix it and sort out things it will be all ok, hurt him again and I will destroy you. When Danny loves he loves hard and deep. Goodbye ’
Steve sat there stunned, Grace wanted to be friends, and Rachel was threatening violence but yet also seemed to be suggesting there may be a hope if Danny returned.