Archive of Our Own

“Oh my God, Buck! Are you awake?”

Blinking was a bit painful, but Buck squinted his eyes open at the familiar voice anyway. Looking around at the hazy, yet familiar sight of a hospital room, he winced and turned to the person who spoke.

Eddie was at his bedside, brown eyes wide open, leaning forward slightly as if to catch any expression on Buck’s face. Eddie looked older, and exhausted, eyebags huge and pronounced and stubble all over his face.

Buck could still feel himself turning red at the proximity.

He cleared his aching throat, wincing when discomfort radiated through his neck and head. “What…”

“Let me get the doctor, hold on.”

Buck turned the other way to see his sister rush out of the room, wincing at the volume of her voice. He turned back to Eddie, blinking in confusion as more pain lanced through his skull.

“Eds, what happened?”

“You hit your head,” Eddie said, voice softly, “Thank God you’re awake. We didn't know when -”

The door opened back up, the sound of the hospital echoing in as a doctor in a white coat entered the room. “Evan, good to see you awake! I’m Dr. Raj, nice to meet you. How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” Buck said instinctively.

“His head hurts,” Eddie said, even more quietly, leaning forward to brush hair off Buck’s forehead. Eddie was so close, still breathtakingly handsome even with the tiredness on his face, still so caring and gentle despite Buck just blinking owlishly at him, unable to speak or even breathe. The heart monitor in the background started beeping faster.

No way. How could this be happening to him?

Buck turned back to the doctor, pretending Eddie didn’t exist. That was difficult, usually at least 80% of his attention was dedicated to Eddie during any non immediately life threatening situation. 

“You fell down two stories, I would assume your head hurts,” Dr. Raj said, dryly. “Other than the head injuries, you ended up with some deep bruising. We’d like to keep you here for a few more days, but as for after, do you live alone?”

“He’s with me,” Eddie interrupted before Buck could say anything. It was getting really hard to not look at him, not to get a glimpse of what his partner thought. Buck was getting a bit dizzy with it.

“I’m a licensed paramedic. Took some time off work. What’s the medication schedule?”

“How long will I be off work?” Buck gasped. He really didn’t want to be away from the firehouse, even if Eddie would come over to the loft a few times a week. Buck liked the loft, it was nice to have a place that was clean and quiet, but living alone wasn’t something he was used to. The cold silence reminded him of his childhood, the lonely years after Maddie had left. 

“You were in a coma for a week,” Dr. Raj said drily, “You’ll be off work for at least a month.”

Buck couldn’t look away from Eddie for that. He was hit with a look of concern so sweetly intense that he was surprised he didn’t melt from it, a look he had only really seen given to Christopher. It was hard to believe someone could care about him that much, but a week was a long time to be in a coma.

“A week…”

Maddie came up to his bedside, stroking his hair. She looked exhausted too, and a strike of guilt rushed through Buck. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Maddie held his hand, squeezing lightly and smiling, fear still written all over her face. “Just so glad to see you awake.”

The doctor droned through the instructions for discharge. Buck let Maddie and Eddie listen, only frowning when he heard that he would be kept overnight. The frown dispelled when Eddie turned to him with the softest pout, “We were really, really worried, and this is just for everyone’s peace of mind.” He was being so gentle, so kind, as if Buck was something precious. The heart monitor went up again, and Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed. “Don’t worry, we’ll be with you the whole time, and tomorrow we can go home.”

Home. South Bedford Street is the closest thing to what Buck had ever felt a home was. No way Eddie was suggesting he could stay there, even though Buck slept better on his couch than he did in the loft.

“It looks like you haven’t left the whole week,” Buck said, jokingly.

“We got him out maybe twice,” Maddie grinned. “You know how he gets.”

Buck didn’t know, actually. “Christopher?”

“Yeah, he was here a lot too.” Eddie’s fingertips brushed over his birthmark. Buck closed his eyes. “We were all here for you, baby.”

Warmth rushed through him. He knew the 118 cared about him, but hearing they all came to visit was something else.

Wait.

Baby?

“What?”

Eddie frowned, “What, did you expect that we would leave you alone here?”

“Not alone,” Buck said, slowly. “But you basically didn’t leave all week?” And you called me baby?

“How could I leave? What are you talking about?” Eddie said, a little louder, eyebrows furrowing even more. Oh, no, Buck said something wrong and Eddie was upset now. Shrinking back, Buck tried to apologize, but Eddie paused, looking straight into his eyes. “Buck. What…what’s the last thing you remember?”

“I fell down two stories.”

“Before that.”

Buck closed his eyes. His head hurt, but Eddie looked a bit frantic, and Buck would do anything to smooth out that concerned furrow in his brows. “Um…we were at your house, I think? Playing video games with Chris. Sorry my head is a bit fuzzy.”

“My…what do you mean, my house?”

“I know you’re renting, but it is your house, Eds.”

“Evan, what year is it?” Dr. Raj interrupted.

“2019!”

Maddie gasped, and Buck’s chest went cold. He sat up, ignoring his body’s protests, looking at the doctor. The doctor sighed, “Evan, the current year is 2028.”

What?

He was missing…nine years of memories? He was 37? 

That was impossible. 

Except…

Maddie’s hair looked different. Really different, a lot longer than he remembered. A lot longer than one week could explain. She looked tired, sure, but the type of tired that was years old. Years Buck didn’t remember. 

“There’s no way.” 

“It isn’t uncommon with these types of injuries.” Dr. Raj said, his tone not betraying any ounce of worry. Buck was distantly grateful. The freezing feeling in his chest was travelling up his spine. Nine years missing. “Regardless, I’d like to get you in for some more scans.”

“I -” Was he still a firefighter? Was he with the 118? What happened in 9 years? That was almost half of Christopher’s life by now, what did Buck miss?

“Evan, please.” Maddie was crying now, silently, but still held firmly onto his hand. “We aren’t leaving, we’ll be right here. Please.”

Buck blinked silently. He couldn’t even look at Eddie. He just nodded to the doctor, and closed his eyes.

–

Being wheeled back after all the tests, Buck knew he was being quiet. The nurses were all very friendly and Dr. Raj was nothing but kind, but Buck’s head was spinning. Nine years? How could he just lose nine years? Buck caught a snippet of conversation. “...don’t know what to do if he doesn’t remember.”

“It’s Buck. You two will get through anything.”

Turning the corner, Buck’s eyes widened. When Eddie said they were all here…he would never think Eddie was lying, but there were a lot of people. Chimney, Hen, Bobby, Athena, and even a few people who he didn't know.

Or, well, he probably did know them. He just didn’t remember.

It was good to know he was still close with the 118. Dr. Raj did let slip that he was still a firefighter, which eased some of his worries.

“It does seem like around nine years were lost,” Dr. Raj said. “It is likely these memories will slowly return over the next few weeks, but with these types of cases, we never know.”

Buck just blinked. For once, he felt like he had nothing to say. 

“Evan,” Maddie said, voice soft. “Would you like to stay with us for a little while?”

Buck saw that she was holding Chimney’s hand. “You and Chim?” Nine years later, and they ended up together. He couldn’t help but smile. “I can…don’t worry, I can just stay at the loft.” 

Maddie’s eyes widened. “Um. You don’t live at the loft anymore.”

Buck frowned, “I know I’m missing a lot of time, but you don’t have to be so gentle. Did something happen to the loft? Where did I move?”

Eddie stood up, shaking. Buck had never, ever seen him so rattled, especially in front of so many people. He and Eddie had only met a bit under a year ago, but a lot could change in nine years. “We live together.”

“Oh.” Buck blinked. “We’re roommates?” Damn, being 37, Buck kind of hoped he didn’t need a roommate. What about Shannon and Christopher? It was nice though, that he and Eddie were still close after nine years.

Eddie’s eyes filled with tears. Buck immediately shot up, heart lacing with shock and horror, “Eddie, what’s wrong? I’m sorry, we don’t need to live together, it’s okay. I can get a hotel or something, or stay with Maddie.”

“Um, let’s give them a minute,” someone said in the background. Eddie looked up at Buck, urging him back down onto the bed. It really wasn’t just exhaustion on his face, it was nine years of time that Buck had missed. Buck’s heart ached. What had happened in those nine years?

“Buck,” Eddie said, voice shaking. “I don’t know how to say this.”

“It’s okay,” Buck whispered, reaching for Eddie, half sure he would be rejected but needing to try anyway. Eddie gripped onto his hands like a lifeline. “I really can stay with Maddie and Chim if you want some space, so don’t worry, I don’t mind -”

“We’re married,” Eddie blurted out.

Married.

They were married. 

Married???

He was married to Eddie Diaz?

“Are you sure?”

Buck could instantly tell that was…not the right thing to say.

“What the – of course I’m sure!! Buck – ”

“I’m sorry,” he said, shaking. Married? “I’m sorry.”

Eddie sighed, “Don’t be sorry. I didn’t mean to just spring that on you, but it seemed…relevant.”

Buck squinted, “Relevant.” Hold on, that explained it. “You called me baby.”

Eddie blushed a pretty pink, over his cheekbones and ears down his neck. Buck had seen it a few times, lighter than this, but it had never been because of him. Despite his body feeling frozen, a pang of heat rang up his back. That pretty blush was for him.

They were married. How the hell had Buck managed that? Eddie’s blushes, Eddie’s gentle heart and capable determination and sweet smiles, that was all for Buck now? They lived together? Worked together? Buck could spend all his time around Eddie with a reason now? And Eddie wanted him around all of the time, too?

Or…was their marriage unhappy? Buck blinked away the thoughts of his parents’ marriage, of Abby at the airport, of empty cold houses and silence. Surely in nine years he learned to be a good husband? Eddie really deserved the best, how could Buck be that for him?

“Hey, what’s going on in your head?” Eddie’s face was…so close to him. Buck was sure he was blushing now too – his blush was nowhere near as lovely as Eddie’s, a dark splotchy red colour that was horribly unattractive. He was still hooked to that heart monitor, beeping like crazy now. Eddie looked worried. “We…I want you to be comfortable. You can stay with Maddie and Chim if you want. Please not a hotel. I’m sure Bobby or Hen would be happy to have you too. The nurses did say going back to your normal routine might help with the memories, but if you feel safer with them, that’s okay.” His tone was nothing but even, but his brown eyes got a bit darker. 

“I could never feel unsafe with you,” Buck whispered. His heart was racing, he really couldn’t fuck this up. “I…for me, um, we don’t really. I mean. We are good friends. I trust you to have my back. But are you sure you want to stay with me? I’m not…”

Eddie leaned back. What did Buck do wrong?

“I don’t expect you to be 2028 Buck,” he said gently. It was the same voice he used to talk to Christopher, the same voice he had used on a small cat during an evacuation a few weeks ago that made Buck’s head turn to mush. God, that was actually years ago, and it had the same effect. His puppy crush on his straight best friend had really turned into marriage? “I would be happy if you stayed with me and Christopher, but I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“I want my memories back,” Buck whispered, determinedly. 2028 Buck had done something right, he had gotten so lucky. Anxiety overwhelmed him at the thought of messing this up, but he had to try. “If you and Christopher are really okay with it, then I’d like to stay with you. Like normal.”

Eddie smiled softly. The heart monitor beeped faster. “Okay, that’s good. The doctors said not to overwhelm you with information, but you can ask me anything you want. A lot has happened over the past 9 years, but I’m still your partner and I‘ve got your back too.” He smiled bigger as Buck nodded, drowsily. “Sleepy?”

Buck nodded. 

“Get some rest, I’ll take care of everything. Just let me know if there’s anything you need or want. I’m staying right here.”

God. Buck was going to cry. Even waking up in a strange situation he could barely believe, Eddie was by his side taking care of him. Buck half-believed he had swindled Eddie into marriage, but Eddie was the smartest person he knew. Maybe 2028 Buck was just better? Buck couldn’t imagine himself managing to end up with this. Surely Eddie wanted some time at home, it couldn’t be easy to stay at the hospital for a day, let alone a week.

“You don’t have to stay,” Buck whispered. 

Eddie raised an eyebrow. “Do you not want me to stay, or are you just saying that to be nice? I’ll give you space if you want it, time with Maddie or whoever else, but…” Eddie ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what you remember. I don’t want to overstep or make you feel smothered, but please believe me when I say I’m more than happy to be by your side.”

How did Eddie know exactly what Buck was thinking? Maybe that’s what marriage did to a guy. Eddie in 2019 was pretty much perfect, but Buck had never heard him be so communicative. Buck swallowed. He was not prepared for 2028 Eddie, a man who cared so deeply for him, who wanted to stay by his side in the hospital?

“You can stay,” Buck said, shyly. 

Eddie beamed. “Thank you. Is there anyone else you want to talk to?”

The rest of the day was awkward, his friends not really knowing what to say, but Buck basked in the warmth that all these people liked him enough to visit him in the hospital. The new people introduced themselves as Ravi, a firefighter at the 118 who joined in 2021, and Melody and Zack, two new probies on A-shift who were with him at the time of the accident.  

Eddie was by his side the whole time. While Buck was looking around at everyone, noting the differences in their faces and mannerisms (Bobby was a lot more grey now, Hen had gotten new darker square glasses), Eddie’s attention was only on him. It was something Buck craved ever since meeting the guy, but he never actually thought he’d get it. It was just a stupid crush. Eddie was figuring things out with Shannon…who had not been mentioned. Buck had never really met her, but hoped that Chrisopher’s mother didn’t hate him. He understood why the doctors didn’t want him to know everything at once, but he had so many questions.

“Tired?” Eddie asked, softly. Buck nodded, closing his eyes. Tired didn’t cover it, but it was as close as he could get to how he was feeling. Slowly, everyone left the room except Eddie, sitting on the same chair Buck woke up to hours ago. Only hours ago, but nine years of time had skipped past his memory. Nine years stolen.

Buck didn’t know how to process that. Instead, he just closed his eyes.

–

Eddie drove carefully.

Buck was half convinced he’d wake up back in his cold loft, alone. Instead, he woke up with Eddie’s warm hand in his, curled up in an uncomfortable chair but looking so at peace. 

It looked like devotion.

Buck only had to stay in the hospital for two more days, but was getting antsy and was thrilled when Maddie and Eddie announced that he was all good to go. He hadn’t changed his mind on staying with Eddie, despite offers from Chim, Hen, and Bobby.

Buck had a chance to talk to his sister quickly, while Eddie was getting the car ready. She had assured him she was happy with Chimney, that he was a good man who treated her well. Buck was so, so happy for his sister. Maddie deserved someone who made her feel safe and loved, after everything she had been through.

Maddie had assured him that he and Eddie were happy too.

Buck couldn’t imagine it, not really. In his reality, Eddie was straight, probably hung up on his ex-wife, and saw Buck as nothing more than a good friend. Buck knew he would go to ridiculous lengths to make Eddie happy, and the best days of the past months were ones he spent at South Bedford, but did Eddie really feel the same? How could someone feel that intensely about him?

“I know it’s a lot,” Maddie had said, “You two have been through so much together. You really, really love each other.”

Buck thought he knew what love was, with Abby. It seemed like what he had with Eddie was on another level. Nine years could really change a person, but Buck didn’t know if he could be what Eddie needed. He just had to work on getting his memories back. Eddie seemed happy to let Buck stew in his own thoughts. Maybe he was just happy Buck was awake? Maybe he was nervous too. 

Eddie didn’t really get nervous. Then again, Buck didn’t really get married. Lots of things had changed. 

They pulled into an unfamiliar house. Buck frowned, he had assumed they lived at South Bedford. Unease prickled at the back of his neck. 

Eddie darted around to open Buck’s door. It was sweet, if not a bit unnecessary. Buck understood his concern, he was terrified whenever Maddie or one of the team got hurt, so he let Eddie hover. Eddie didn’t touch him at all in the hospital outside of holding his hand or brushing his hair, but Buck saw his hands twitching to touch Buck’s back when he stood.

The one-story house was nice from the outside. A pretty light blue and white, with a nice looking porch and purple hydrangea bushes lining the driveway. The house looked picture-perfect, if it weren’t for the slightly unkempt lawn. The small detail settled Buck a little.

Eddie opened the door, and Buck stepped inside. The house felt warm and bright, open. The kitchen was in front of him, and Buck felt strangely drawn to it. The cabinets were a light wood colour, and the countertop was huge. There was even an island! 

Buck winced. His head burned, but … “Do I cook a lot?”

Eddie’s eyes widened. “Yes, Bobby taught you. You’re a really good cook now. You like to bake sometimes.”

Wow. Buck could cook some simple breakfast foods with Bobby’s instructions, but Eddie saying he was really good? Buck wilted, “I don’t know if I remember how to cook, I can try -”

“You can try resting,” Eddie said, sternly. “Go to bed, come on.”

“Where is it?”

“Oh,” an expression flitted over Eddie’s face, one Buck couldn’t make out. “Come with me, just through here.”

Dazed, Buck followed Eddie to the left side of the house. Walking through the bedroom door, a lingering sense of calm washed over his shoulders. The room was just as bright as the rest of the house, with a soft looking rug and pictures on the walls. The bed was huge, bigger than Buck’s at the loft, with a light purple comforter and four pillows. It was their bed.

He would have to sleep with Eddie. Buck felt lightheaded thinking about it.

“Do you need anything? Water? Are you cold?” Eddie wrung his hands together, looking Buck up and down.

“I’m good, Eds,” Buck said, gently. “Do you mind if I shower first?”

Eddie bit his lip. “Yeah, that is fine. Bathroom is the door in the corner, the closet is next to it.” He took a sharp breath, looking at the bathroom door. “I know it’s a lot to ask for, but do you mind leaving the door unlocked? I won’t come in. The doctor said you might…if you fall in the shower, I want – ”

Buck ached to reach forward and offer Eddie some comfort, to ease his worries. “Hey, of course. I’ll yell if I need anything.”

“Please do.” Eddie smiled, but it was a lot more shaky than the other ones. Buck felt a pressure in his chest, something was intrinsically wrong when Eddie was anything but pleased and safe and comfortable. “Let me know if you need anything. Anything.”

“I will,” Buck said softly. Eddie gave him one more of those wrong smiles and left the room.

Showering felt great after what felt like more than a week of laying in a hospital bed after falling through a house. Buck didn’t recognize the numerous hair products, so he just picked some at random that smelled good. The strawberry scented body wash was all his though, and it warmed his heart to see he still used it years later. It was so hydrating! He went to pick it up, and behind it was –

Oh. Oh God.

Okay, realistically he knew he and Eddie were married. But he did not expect lube in the shower. Strawberry. Consistent.

Buck put all thoughts of that out of his head, or tried to. 2019 Buck hadn’t done too much with other men, but he could imagine everything he’d do with Eddie, for Eddie –

Okay. Buck thought about dead kittens for a couple of minutes, turning the water to frigid before finishing up his shower and stepping out, towelling off before wrapping it around his waist and moving to the closet. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

Wow. He really did look different.

He was huge. Buck knew he was in really good shape, but this was on another level. Big arms and shoulders and chest, longer hair that looked kind of weird, new tattoos he didn’t recognize. His stomach was softer now, and bruised from the fall, Buck noted, poking himself and wincing. There were some other bruises on his back (also huge and muscular, Buck grinned), and scattered on his legs, along with some nasty old scars on the left one that he didn’t remember getting. 

Buck looked around the room. It was nice, really, really inviting and pretty. Buck had only been in Eddie’s room once at South Bedford – it had been stark, utilitarian, with just a bed and two lamps and one picture of Chris and Eddie on the wall. It had been such a contrast to Chris’s bright room full of colour, to the rest of the house which had been warm and infused with Eddie’s love. 

This room looked filled with love, too – their love.

The closet didn’t help. Buck couldn’t tell what belonged to who. There surely was some sense of organization, but Buck was honestly too tired and wound up to think of what was his. He tugged on a soft black T-shirt he didn’t recognize, unearthing some sweatpants that looked long enough to be his, along with dark blue underwear and a pair of fuzzy green socks resting on top of a cabinet in the back. While most of him wanted to flop onto the bed and sleep for another week, a stronger part of him wanted to see Eddie again. 

Clingy.

Buck frowned. Surely if Eddie married him, he didn’t mind if Buck was clingy? He was in a coma for a week, he surely was okay to cling a bit? Unless Buck from the future wasn’t clingy, but he couldn’t imagine being around Eddie Diaz all the time and not wanting to cling a little. 

“Hey, ba – Buck? Can I come in?”

Buck frowned harder. Eddie wasn’t calling him baby anymore? Buck couldn’t even tell if he wanted to hear it again, knowing he wouldn’t be able to keep any expression off of his face. At least he wasn’t hooked up to the heart monitor this time.

Buck moved out of the closet to open the door, “Hey.”

Eddie smiled, a real smile this time, his pretty eyes shining. “Hi, Buck. Feeling up to eating?”

Buck probably would do anything if Eddie smiled at him like that. “Yeah. Kitchen?”

“You can eat in here if you want.”

Buck tilted his head, “We eat in bed?”

“Sometimes.”

The bedroom felt nice, but Buck wanted to see the kitchen some more. “It’s okay, can we go to the kitchen?”

Eddie nodded, walking back out towards the kitchen. Buck felt like a lost puppy, following him until they reached the kitchen. Eddie had made some sort of large pot of soup, ladling out an absurdly large bowl about half full, grinning sheepishly. “I tried my best. You’ve been teaching me to cook, I’m…doing okay.”

Eddie cooked for him. It could taste like garbage and Buck would still be the happiest guy on Earth. He beamed, “Thank you!”

“Ah, wait until you try it.”

Buck pulled the bowl closer, eating a generous spoonful. “It’s really good, thank you!”

It was good, really. A bit salty, but good, and even better because it was made by Eddie. Buck had watched him cook once, when Christopher wasn’t feeling well, following a recipe from his abuela on his phone, slightly frazzled but taking so much care to make sure it was perfect. 

They ate in silence, Eddie with an equally large bowl half full of soup. Buck tapped his feet nervously, but Eddie looked unconcerned, sneaking little glances at Buck and smiling satisfiedly when Buck finished his meal.

Buck got up to do the dishes, and Eddie gave him another one of those stern glares. “Sit. I’ll just be a minute.”

“I can dry,” Buck bargained. Eddie sighed, moving over, and Buck jumped over.

It was even more domestic like this. How many times had they done the dishes together? Buck couldn’t stop staring at Eddie. He was even more handsome now, little crows’ feet in the corners of his eyes, and was that a piercing in his ear? Buck gasped.

Eddie turned to look at him so fast Buck didn’t even register it, eyes widening and then blinking sharply as pain flitted across his face.

“Eddie! You okay?”

“Ah, yeah,” Eddie looked down at their feet, blushing that pretty pink again. “Just cut myself, I’m okay.”

Buck’s eyes caught on a flash of red on Eddie’s fingers and the knife in the sink. He gently pulled Eddie’s hand closer by the wrist, looking for a clean towel or something. The cut looked shallow, but the sight of Eddie’s blood had Buck dizzy.

“Does it hurt a lot?” Buck rubbed his thumb over Eddie’s wrist.

“No, no, I’m good,” Eddie whispered, turning even pinker. He was so stunning, shy eyes, looking slightly up at Buck. “I – the um. Let me…” 

“Where are the bandaids?”

“Under the sink.”

Not letting go of his wrist, Buck ducked under the sink and pulled out a first aid kit. Gently cleaning and bandaging it, Buck knew it was overkill for such a little cut, but he couldn’t get the thought of Eddie’s blood, Eddie’s pain, out of his head. He must have been so worried and scared and alone this week, and Buck would do anything to make him feel even a little better, to smile for real again, even if just for a second.

Hit with an inane urge to kiss his finger, Buck stepped back, letting Eddie’s hand fall from his, ignoring the little pang that rushed through his chest at the distance. “Better?”

“Mhm.” Eddie looked up, offering Buck a shy smile. Immediately, Buck’s palms started sweating. “Thanks, Buck.”

Literally anything for you. “No problem.” Buck gently nudged Eddie away from the sink, washing up the knife and the last spoon, putting them on the dish rack to finish drying. “What do you want to do now?”

Buck spent most of his free time not at Eddie’s playing video games, watching documentaries, or working out. Considering screens were banned and working out seemed less than appealing considering the state of his injuries, Buck had no idea what to do. A nap seemed nice but, embarrassingly, Buck didn’t want to leave Eddie, even to sleep.

Eddie frowned. “You’ve been listening to a podcast about worms, but you’re near the end so I don’t know if you’d be able to follow along.”

“Worms?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said with a little smile, “you saw some worms in the garden the other day. Instantly fascinated.” 

“What the hell.” That was … well, Buck couldn’t really imagine telling someone he was dating that he was listening to a worm podcast, let alone Eddie, who he spent half his time trying (and failing) to impress. He looked around, trying to hide the ugly red splotchy blush, landing on some photos near the mantle. “Can we look at the pictures?”

“Sure,” Eddie stepped closer to Buck, as if to guide him, but as soon as their eyes made contact, Eddie’s mouth twisted and he stepped back. “The doctor said looking at pictures might help you remember.”

The first picture was of Christopher as a baby. Buck remembered this picture on the mantle at South Bedford, Christopher was so cute in a dark green fuzzy shirt, eyes absolutely enormous, gazing into the camera. He had the same eyes as Eddie. 

Next was a picture of Eddie, Shannon, and Christopher. Buck turned to Eddie, “Is Christopher with Shannon?”

Eddie looked away, throat working. “Shannon died. It was a few months after what you last remember.”

“Oh, Eddie.” Buck didn’t know what to do. Did he hug Eddie? Leave him alone? “I’m sorry.”

“It was a long time ago.” Eddie turned back to him, a small shaky smile on his face, “It’s okay. Do you want to look at our wedding pictures?”

“Yes.” 

Maybe Buck didn’t think it through, as Eddie guided him back to the bedroom. Buck sat down on the side near the door, frowning and moving over to the side near the window.

“Do I sleep on this side?”

Eddie smiled, just as shaky as the one near the mantle. Buck’s chest burned. “Yeah, you do. Can I sit with you?”

“Of course.” Buck moved over a bit more, and Eddie settled down with a thick white rectangular book. 

“Here’s our wedding album.”

Eddie opened the first page, and Buck gasped. It was a full page picture, a waist-up shot of Buck and Eddie at the altar in a garden, holding hands. Eddie was wearing a stunning dark gray suit with a light blue shirt, his eyes shining with tears but smiling bigger than Buck’s ever seen. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, running a hand over the book.

Eddie sniffled, and Buck looked up with alarm. “Ah, I’m sorry.”

“No, no, don’t apologize.” Eddie wipes away a tear, No, Buck had made him cry. “It’s okay, really. I cry every time I look at this, don’t worry.”

Buck was worried. “Do I not tell you that you’re beautiful?” he teased. 

“You do,” Eddie whispered. 

Buck swallowed, shifting nervously. “Are you happy?”

“What?”

“Are you happy with me?” Buck said, softly. 

It didn’t seem that way, but Buck was really worried about Eddie not being happy, about resentment growing. Buck wasn’t sure how much he had told Eddie about his childhood, but he remembered a house that looked picture perfect but felt ice cold, about silent empty halls and looking for attention, for love, begging to even be seen. Buck didn’t really know how to be a good husband, how to contribute to the warm love that Eddie had filled South Bedford with. 

He trusted Eddie, but – 

“Buck.” Eddie put the book to the side, coming closer. “Can you look at me, please?”

Buck looked up, shaking. Eddie reached his hands out, eyes warm and gentle. Buck knew those hands, knew this person, for what realistically should have only been several months but felt like a lifetime. 

He put his hands in Eddie’s.

Eddie breathed out, smiling softly. “Buck. I am so, so happy with you. And you are happy with me, I hope.” He chuckled, “No, actually, I know you are. After everything we’ve been through, it feels crazy to say this, but we – I’m so in love with you. Even after ten years of knowing you, I love you more every day. You’re perfect for me, and I’m perfect for you. I know this might sound crazy to 2019 Buck, but you’re my soulmate, you’re everything.” 

Buck squeezed his hands. “Really?”

“Really.”

“We don’t fight?”

Eddie chuckled, “I mean, we fight a little. Every couple fights, but it’s never serious.”

Buck shifted. He hated fighting. “What’s it like?”

“Hmm?”

“When we fight? What do we fight about?”

Eddie sighed, running his thumb over the back of Buck’s hand. His stomach felt like it was turning over, nervous for what Eddie was going to say, exhilarated by the soft intimacy of Eddie touching him so casually, like it was second nature for their hands to be connected. 

“Mostly stupid things. We don’t really fight often. The last small thing we fought about was me finishing up your apple juice.”

“You can have all my apple juice,” Buck whispered.

“That’s sweet, and definitely not how you felt last month,” Eddie chuckled. “The only major fight we had after getting together was actually really ridiculous. It was about the flowers at our wedding. I really wanted these blue cornflowers, but you absolutely refused to have them at the wedding. We got into a huge fight about it.”

Buck winced. “I mean, it’s understandable.”

“What?” Eddie tilted his head in confusion. It was unbearably cute.

Did Buck not tell him? “Maddie had cornflowers at her first wedding to Doug.”

“Oh.” Eddie blinked. “You didn’t tell me that.”

Buck shrugged. “I’m sorry. It’s stupid anyway, if you really liked them – ”

“Hey,” Eddie said. “None of that. We fought for like twenty minutes, you stormed out and came back within an hour and we cried for forever about it. It’s okay. We aren’t really a couple who argue a lot, and even when we do, I know you’ll always come back to me and I’ll always come back to you. There’s nothing more important to me than you and Christopher, and you feel the same way. Being with you is a dream that I’d never take for granted– oh, baby.”

Eddie wiped a tear off Buck’s cheek. Buck nuzzled into Eddie’s hand, overwhelmed. Eddie was acting like being with Buck was a privilege, like Buck was someone who was worth his time and effort and love. Could this really be true? It felt like cheating, like Buck had skipped through life and landed in heaven. Someone as brilliant and perfect as Eddie choosing him? 

Buck had spent his whole life looking for a home. 

“Was it really that easy?”

Eddie scoffed, “It was not easy. We took forever to get our shit together.”

“What do you mean? Haven’t we been married for years?”

Eddie scooted closer to Buck, cupping his face with those large, competent hands. Buck could feel his face heating up under his palms. “No, we got married earlier this year.”

Buck scowled, “Why did I wait so long to propose?”

“What made you think you proposed?” Eddie grinned, hair flopping over his forehead cutely. Buck gaped. Eddie proposed? “Besides, we got engaged eight months in. The wedding took forever to plan, you wanted it to be perfect.”

“Wait, how long…when did we get together?” Buck frowned. 

“2026,” Eddie sighed. “It was a whole thing.”

“What? I’ve liked you for so long,” Buck pouted.

Eddie’s mouth dropped open, “What?”

Buck shuffled, looking at the rug on the floor. He felt like he had said something wrong, but surely they were married and it was okay. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

“Buck,” Eddie said firmly, getting a bit closer, hand slipping down to his jaw. Buck wanted to press his face into Eddie’s neck and hide, but he forced himself to meet Eddie’s eyes. 

“I had…have. I mean. I like you. We’re married now!” Buck tore his eyes away from Eddie, back to the rug. 

Eddie softly urged his face back up, smiling radiantly. Buck blinked at him, dazed. Eddie was happy because of him, Buck was doing something right. “All the way back then?”

“Yes. You’re so you!”

“What does that mean?”

Buck frowned, “I mean, surely you know I like you now. I said yes to your proposal.”

“I just didn’t know you liked me back then,” Eddie said. “That’s really cute.”

Cute. Eddie thought he was cute. 

“I don’t know if 2019 Eddie was ready,” Eddie said, “but I’m honoured to have your affection, even when I didn’t deserve it.”

“Of course you deserved it!” Buck said, indignant. Sure, 2028 Eddie was saying everything Buck could only ever dream of, holding his face gently and treating him so kindly, so lovingly, but Buck wouldn’t hear any bad words about his Eddie, even from Eddie himself.

Wait. 

If Eddie thought himself from 2019 wasn’t enough, what must he think about 2019 Buck?

Buck knew Eddie cared about him in 2019. He knew wasn’t a terrible person, but it was hard to feel like anything but unworthy when the literal embodiment of his most secret, hopeless daydreams was in front of him, dangling everything he could ever want just out of his reach. He had made mistakes, had done something to make almost everyone in his life hold back their love. 

Buck had to get his memories back. There was no other option, Eddie deserved better than having his immature, unworthy Buck from the past thrust into the future, like a puzzle piece that didn’t quite fit right. Buck didn’t want to give up his home, but it felt like tearing out his own heart at the thought of sweet, selfless Eddie staying with him out of obligation, missing 2028 Buck but being unable to say it out of fear of hurting the false version of Buck pretending to be his husband.

Buck was going to be sick. 

“Everything okay, Buck? Where’d you go?”

Buck smiled at Eddie as brightly as he could, “I’m here with you. Just thinking. Um, do you – is it okay to look at the pictures again?”

“Of course.” Eddie dropped his hands from Buck’s face, reaching for the book. 

They sat close together but not touching, those eight inches of space feeling like eight hundred miles. The pictures were beautiful, Buck and Eddie looking overjoyed and emotional. There were lovely pictures of their friends, of cute kids Buck didn’t recognize, of an older Christopher that made Buck’s hands start shaking. 

God. Christopher would be around 17 now. He was probably still the best kid in the world still, but Buck was nervous. 

Eddie paused on an adorable picture of himself and Christopher hugging, turning to Buck. “Chris will be home soon. Do you want to see him?”

“Of course!” Buck always wanted to see Christopher. “When is he home?”

“In twenty minutes or so.” Eddie’s voice was quiet. “He’s obviously a lot bigger now, but he still looks up to you.”

“Does he know about the memories?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “We explained it to him. He gets that you won’t remember things, but I’m not sure if he’d understand exactly how different you might be.”

Buck’s heart sank. He really was a different person.

“It’s okay,” Eddie rushed to say. “Don’t feel pressured. That kid thinks you’re the best, no matter what.” 

Buck swallowed, hands shaking uncontrollably. Don’t feel pressured? Buck had literally felt less afraid when running into burning buildings. The idea of disappointing Eddie was dreadful enough, but the idea of letting his kid down? Horrifically, Buck felt tears welling up in his eyes again.

“Buck?”

“Um,” Buck said quietly, “Do you mind…is it okay to just have a minute here?” He really didn’t want to cry in front of Eddie. “I can go into the bathroom, sorry – ”

“No, what? Don’t apologize, b–Buck.” Eddie got up quickly, wringing his hands. “I can just. I’ll go outside. If you want. Are you sure you don’t need anything? Water? Blankets?”

Buck was distantly aware that his hands started to shake even more, and he pressed them under his thighs. “No, it’s okay. I just need a few minutes if that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay.” Somehow, Buck got the impression that it wasn’t okay. “Just yell if you need something. Or you can come get me. Anything is okay.”

Buck nodded. “Can I keep looking at the pictures?”

“Yes, yes.” Eddie nudged the book closer to him. “We have a couple of copies.”

“I won’t mess it up,” Buck rushed to say. 

“I know. Just – I’ll go out now. You sure…?”

Eddie trailed off. He looked really unsettled now, maybe 2028 Buck never cried or something? Buck frowned. He didn’t cry super easily, but it definitely wasn’t uncommon, especially at sad movies or after bad calls. Eddie never had a bad reaction before, but maybe…

Buck took a deep breath, smiling up at Eddie. “All good, Eds. I’ll come out soon to say hi to Christopher.”

“No pressure if you aren’t feeling well,” Eddie said, backing away. Buck couldn’t make out anything from the tone of his voice, or his face, which had settled into a determined expression that didn’t give away any clues. 

Oh. Did Eddie not want him to see Christopher? Or did Eddie want Buck to be super normal around Christopher? What was even normal?

Buck had done some research a while ago on mental health after the disastrous session with Dr. Wells, and was distantly sure he was spiralling. The door closed faintly, Eddie having left Buck. 

It made his chest even colder, even though Buck had basically demanded Eddie to leave. 

God. What was wrong with him?

Despite his nerves, Buck was really excited to see Christopher. He and Christopher had already declared each other as best friends, but Buck didn’t really know how close they remained. Surely close enough, as Eddie would never entertain dating someone Chris didn’t approve of.

Hopefully Buck was still cool enough for Christopher to like him. The idea of Christopher hating him made him feel like vomiting all over the lovely purple bed.

He heard low voices outside, “He’s a little unwell right now, let me check in on him.”

Buck dashed into the bathroom, scrubbing his face frantically. His eyes looked a little red but not terrible, and his hair had definitely dried weird and looked awful. God, Eddie had seen him like this?

Someone knocked on the bedroom door. Buck darted back out of the bathroom, opening the door up.

Oh, no, Buck was going to cry again.

The Christopher that Buck had left behind was tiny, barely eight. This teenaged Christopher came halfway up to Buck’s chest, with black glasses but that same beaming smile. “Buck!”

“Hey there, Superman!” Buck couldn’t help but open his arms, chest going warm with joy as Chris fell into them. “You’re so big now!”

“You remember me?”

“Of course,” Buck said softly, trying to not squish Christopher. “You were so tiny back then. I remember you and me kicking your Dad’s butt at Smash.”

“Hey,” Eddie said in his cute fake-stern voice, but when Buck looked up at him, he was beaming even brighter than Christopher. “I don’t know if we should take that from the guy with the head injury.”

“Don’t listen to him, kid,” Buck grinned, pulling back to study Christopher. “You think we can beat him at Smash again?”

“Dad said no screens,” Christopher said, actually looking a bit despondent. “I couldn’t do it if I was you. Good luck. Besides, we don’t play Smash anymore.”

“Hey, I’ve got you and your Dad to entertain me. And no Smash?” Buck put a hand to his heart theatrically. “Do we still play games?”

“Yeah, we have a Minecraft world. You suck at Fortnite though.”

Buck doesn’t know what a Fortnite is, and Chris laughs at his expression. “Dad sucks worse, don’t worry. We can play Minecraft when you’re better.”

“Is that a building game?”

“Kind of. You really like it,” Chris assured him. Buck couldn’t imagine liking any sort of non fighting game, but he trusted the kid with his life. “We all play Street Fighter sometimes, and you and Dad play Stardew.”

Buck looked over Christopher’s head at Eddie, who was blushing pink. 

Christopher turned back to Eddie. “He’s still Buck.”

Buck chuckled, “Yeah, I mean…I don’t really know what I’m like now.”

“You’re just Buck,” Christopher said, simply. “You’re the nice dad.”

Dad.

Dad???

Chris considered Buck like a dad? And Eddie didn’t look mad?

“Okay, Chris, come on now. Go do your homework.”

“Can Buck help?”

“I don’t know if Buck from 2019 knows advanced calculus.”

Buck frowned, “Hey.” Eddie was right though, Buck hated math. He pushed all thoughts of Chris calling him a dad out of his head. “Wait, does 2028 Buck know calculus?”

Eddie smiled, “Yeah, you learned to keep up with the kid.”

What the hell.

Did Buck help Chris with math at the dinner table or something? Being married was one thing, but being considered a dad to the greatest kid in the world? 

“Buck?” Chris said quietly.

“Sorry.” Buck coughed, wiping his face. “You just…ah, sorry.”

“Oh. Uh, sorry. I won’t call you that again.” Christopher’s voice was small, for the first time. 

“NO! No,” Buck said quickly. “Please don’t apologize. I’m just really happy.”

Christopher raised an eyebrow, looking so much like Eddie it ached. “You sure? You’re crying.” Thank goodness his voice was back to normal, otherwise Buck would have probably collapsed.

“Superman, I’m really honoured that you think of me that way, especially since you already have the best father.” Buck put a hand on Chris’ shoulder, trying to smile through the tears. “I don’t really have all my memories but I love you so much, kid. You never have to worry about that. We’ve always been best friends and I am just really, really happy I’m still in your lives.”

Chris grinned, and Buck felt like a million pounds just got lifted off of his shoulders. “That’s lame. Love you too, though. As if Dad would let you go anywhere.”

Buck pulled Christopher into another hug. “I knew you were the best kid in the world.”

Christopher allowed the hug for twenty two more seconds before squirming. Buck reluctantly let him go. 

“We can hang out later,” Chris promised him. “Dad mentioned you need to take your medication.”

Eddie held up a bottle of pills. “One every six hours.”

Buck walked past Christopher as the kid went back out of the walkway, past the kitchen and into the other side of the house. He took the pills from Eddie, checking the label. Anti-seizure medications, four times a day.

“Hey,” Eddie said, softly. “You’re really okay?”

“Hm?”

“With him calling you one of his dads.”

Buck smiled back, “If that’s how he feels, I’m really happy. Is it okay with you?”

“Of course,” Eddie put a hand on Buck’s shoulder, the physical contact settling him instantly. “I’m really happy too.”

“Best kid in the world,” Buck repeated. “I almost can’t believe it.”

“You’re the best dad,” Eddie whispered.

“You’re a good example,” Buck whispered back. Eddie’s eyes shone. He leaned forward, close, as close as they had been in the bedroom. Buck inhaled quickly, and Eddie jerked back. 

“Sorry, sorry. Let’s get these meds in you, they might make you a bit tired. You want anything to eat? Blanket?”

“Actually. It is cold.” Buck raised his arm up to show Eddie all the hairs standing up. 

“You get cold easily,” Eddie said matter-of-factly, bustling past Buck into the bedroom and into the closet. “Do you want any particular hoodie?”

Buck followed Eddie into the closet, looking around. He spotted a light blue hoodie near the middle of the left rack, tugging it down and pulling it over himself. Even on his new bigger body, the hoodie was huge. Buck flipped the hood over his head and grinned at Eddie. 

Eddie looked kind of shocked, eyes wide as Buck had ever seen them. 

“What’s wrong?” Oh no, Buck fucked up. He reached for the hem to take it off, only to be stopped by Eddie.

“No, it’s okay.” Eddie sighed, “This is…you always wear this hoodie when you…” He scratched the back of his head, arm flexing distractedly. Buck was hit with the insane urge to lick him. “When you want a hug.”

Buck felt his face get hot again. “Oh.”

“It’s okay.” That fake, forced smile was back on Eddie’s face. 

Definitely not okay. “This hoodie feels like a hug. It’s so soft,” Buck said, half joking. 

“Yeah,” Eddie whispered. 

Buck tilted his head. He didn’t know 2028 Eddie, but in 2019, he would definitely –

“I’m definitely not against a hug right now,” he said. 

“I don’t want to pressure you,” Eddie whispered. His eyes were doing that big shiny doe-eyed thing that had Buck in 2019 travelling 30 minutes away to some random grocery store to get the shitty IPA beer Eddie preferred.

Maybe Buck didn’t have all his memories, but he knew Eddie Diaz down to his bones. Even if every memory he had ever made was stolen, he could never forget the pressure in his chest when Eddie looked his way, the flutter of his heartbeat when Eddie smiled his real, soft smile, the ache in his   spine when Eddie’s eyebrows wrinkled in discomfort. 

Buck might have lost his memories, but Eddie lost his husband, his partner. 

He opened his arms.

Eddie collapsed like a puppet with all its strings cut, squeezing Buck around the waist, breathing heavily, gasping out sobs. Buck didn’t know if he’d ever experienced a hug like this, wrapping his arms around Eddie as if he could protect him from his own pain.

“Buck,” Eddie gasped, “I thought – you were asleep for so long again, I didn’t – you were so quiet – ”

“I’m here,” Buck said, unable to help himself from feeling like he was lying. He wasn’t really the man Eddie wanted, but they could pretend for a bit, right? Anything to make Eddie feel safe, feel comforted, feel better. “I woke up. I’m here with you.”

Eddie clung to him, sniffling softly into his chest. Buck rubbed soothingly up and down his back, not knowing where it came from but knowing it felt right. Eddie moved up from Buck’s chest to shove his face into his neck, almost pushing himself into the hoodie. Buck pulled him as close as he could.

“Sorry,” Eddie whispered. 

“Don’t apologize,” Buck whispered back, pressing his cheek to the top of Eddie’s head. “You were alone in the hospital waiting for me. It must have been scary.”

“I couldn’t leave.”

“I know,” Buck had no idea how he would have coped if their positions were reversed. Even in 2019, he knew he went a bit off the rails if Eddie seemed like he was in danger. “We’re okay now. I’m going to get my memories back and it’ll all be okay.”

Eddie nodded, burying his face closer into Buck. “You feeling warmer?”

“Yeah,” Buck whispered, savouring the feeling of Eddie in his arms . “I feel perfect.”

– 

The rest of the day had been quiet after Buck’s next dose of medication. Buck happily ate leftovers of Eddie’s soup and dozed on the couch while Chris and Eddie talked about prom at Chris’ high school. He was gently led to bed by his Diaz boys. 

Eddie assured him that he would sleep in the guest bedroom. Buck tried his hardest not to pout. His favourite part of being in a relationship was to fall asleep looking at his partner, holding them as they rested, making sure they were safe and comfortable.

His sleep wasn’t as quiet and calm as the day. He remembered waking up to Eddie’s gentle voice and gentler hands, taking another pill off of Eddie’s fingertips, and falling back to the bed (alone). His dreams were varied, fires and trains and sunny streets and –

Buck woke up like a shot. How could he have forgotten? He darted out of bed so fast he got caught in the blankets and barely registered slamming into the side table. His stomach ached uncomfortably, but he pushed through it. Untangling his foot, he pushed out the door to see Eddie and Chris running at him.

“Buck? What happened?” Eddie gasped. Chris popping up behind him, scowling 

Buck turned to Chris, absolutely delighted. “You have cousins!”

Both Diaz’s eyebrows unfurrowed slightly. Buck grinned even bigger. “Jee and Nash!”

Chris smiled happily, “You remember!”

Eddie was still frowning a bit. “Are you okay? We heard a crash.”

Buck was too happy to think. “Eddie! We’re uncles!”

Eddie’s lips quirked up slightly. “Yeah, we are. They’re the best.”

“Can we see them today? Now?”

“Let me check you out first,” Eddie said, “Then I’ll give Maddie a call.”

Buck was almost wriggling with excitement. “Oh my god. They’re so cute, Eddie.”

Eddie laughed, the sweetest sound. “They are really cute. They love you so much. Maddie’s going to be so happy.”

Buck happily sat through Eddie’s inspection – more than happily. He was always thrilled to have Eddie’s attention on him, even when Eddie was lightly chiding him to be careful and not run out of bed like a child.

Eddie smoothed a finger over Buck’s forehead, lingering above his eyebrow on the red birthmark. “Want some breakfast?”

Buck nodded, and Eddie ran his fingers through Buck’s hair. He chuckled lightly, “Buck, what happened to your hair?”

Buck didn’t even process the words. Eddie’s hands in his hair felt so good, Buck felt so warm and safe and relaxed; he tipped forward to rest his head on Eddie’s stomach. Eddie was wearing a much thinner T-shirt that was loose and soft, but Buck could feel the hard planes of his stomach shifting as he stepped closer to support Buck’s head. “You like that?”

Buck sighed dreamily as Eddie’s body moved while he talked. Only the thought of seeing his niece and nephew made him want to move from his spot – he could happily spend the rest of his days here, sitting with his head on Eddie’s body and Eddie’s fingers in his hair. The only thing that could make this better was putting his hands on Eddie’s pretty waist, but Buck thought he might actually combust if that happened. Regardless, he couldn’t remember the last time he felt so content, so boneless and thoughtless, with no urge to talk or move or think.

Eddie ran his other thumb over Buck’s cheekbone, down his jaw and up towards his chin. His thumb pressed just under Buck’s bottom lip, softly applying a hint of pressure. At the slightest insistence, Buck opened his mouth slightly, looking up at Eddie shyly. Eddie looked awestruck, eyes focused on Buck’s pink mouth running his finger over Buck’s slightly chapped lower lip so gently. 

Buck wanted. 

Eddie’s eyes drifted up to meet Buck’s, pupils absolutely huge. He was gorgeous. A muscle ticked in his jaw, and he forcibly stepped back. Where was he going, why was he leaving? Buck whined softly, involuntarily, and Eddie came back almost instantly, running a hand through Buck’s hair soothingly before stepping back away, keeping one hand safely on Buck’s chin.

Buck kind of understood. To be married, Eddie had to be some level of attracted to him. Even in this newer, bigger, softer body, Buck knew he was attractive. It didn’t really mean anything – Buck had been lusted over before he even understood what it meant. It hadn’t really meant anything, just a way to keep his bed from going cold and his skin from starving, until Abby. Someone who had liked him for more than his body for long enough until she saw the shriveled, needy thing that was his heart and pulled away too. 

It felt different, the way Eddie looked at him – like Buck was more than a body. Body and soul, Buck had chosen to bind himself to Eddie. It was too much to think about right now, the depths of his attraction and the bottomless void of his devotion.

Eddie rummaged through the drawer of the side table that Buck had slammed his elbow into earlier, pulling out a light pink tube. He twisted it open, tipping Buck’s chin back up and pressing the tube to his lips so gently. 

Lip balm. Strawberry lip balm.

Strawberry really was his favourite. Eddie even helped him put it on? He was being so careful, frowning in concentration to try and apply it evenly. The urge to reach up and bite the tube to tease him was strong, but Eddie was being so sweet that Buck almost couldn’t stand it. His Eddie was definitely a softie on the inside, but this much open affection was something Buck wasn’t used to. When Eddie pulled the tube away, Buck grinned up at him to lighten the mood a bit, tilting his head, “Is it pretty?”

“You’re always pretty,” Eddie scoffed, running a hand under Buck’s lower lip to wipe up some excess. His eyes did look a bit brighter now, with a cute gentle smile on his (of course, unchapped) lips. “You keep a tube of this stuff on you. I’ll give Maddie a call, see if we can give the kids a visit. Chris has been staying with them this week so we’ve got to pick up some of his things too.” 

It warmed his heart to see his best friend – his husband – and his sister getting along. Eddie popped his head back in, grinning at Buck. “We can go in an hour,” he whispered, popping back out and chattering on the phone. 

Cute. 

Buck was reluctant to take off the hoodie, but walked back into the closet regardless to snoop. After a good night of sleep, it was easier to see that Buck had the left side of the closet and Eddie had the right. There was a big cabinet at the back where Buck had picked up the socks and underwear from yesterday, now all clear of clothes, with hangers all along the sides. It seemed like Buck’s style stayed kind of the same, maybe a bit classier and nicer. Buck recognized some old shirts near the back of his side. 

Eddie’s side was a lot more neatly organized, Henleys in all sorts of colours, soft looking hoodies, and some fancy button ups. Opening up the second drawer, Buck grinned seeing some folded black tank tops. Those were the bane of his existence back when Eddie joined. Buck hadn’t known how to process the mix of jealousy and attraction, and Eddie’s perfect arms in those tank tops didn’t help. Buck wondered if Eddie could be persuaded into wearing one of them again.

The third drawer was full of pajamas. Soft flannels, fluffy patterned ones, matching sets. Buck didn’t recognize most of these, running a hand over the fluffy fabric of a soft blue button up, lifting it out of the drawer. It felt really nice, instantly comforting. Buck usually slept with as few clothes on as possible, were these all Eddie’s? The idea of the two of them curled up in bed in matching pajamas was too much to bear.  

Looking back down, Buck dropped the shirt on the floor. 

A row of sleeping shorts. Mostly dark blues and blacks, with a few other colours. A couple of pops of red, mostly dark, one daringly brighter than the rest. A light pink pair with pretty white lace details that Buck would literally set himself on fire to see Eddie wearing. A light blue flowy pair that Buck had seen younger Eddie in the second time that he spent the night at South Bedford, and had promptly walked into a wall (it was embarrassing as fuck, but Eddie had concernedly checked over his face with a cute pout, unaware that his thighs were the reason for the injury, so it was worth it). All the way at the end, a soft lavender polka dotted pair that Buck somehow knew were his, but that he had never worn them.

Buck slowly picked up the shirt and put it back in the drawer. It was silly for pajamas to hit him this hard, but it really did make him emotional. They shared their days together in 2019, but now they shared their nights together in their bed, soft and safe and comfortable in a way that Buck always thought only happened in fairytales. 

He took a deep breath, grabbing a crisp white T shirt and a nicer pair of jeans, taking them into the bathroom. Stopping to look in the mirror, he inspected the lip balm. Buck never pegged himself for a pink shiny lip kind of guy, but he couldn’t deny that it looked kind of nice, way better than the chapped mess that was probably there before. His hair, on the other hand, was horrific. He had no idea why he ever let it grow out this long, it always looked terrible. 

After taking a quick shower, eyeing the hair products mistrustfully and just washing his hair with water, and changing, he meandered back to the closet. All the way at the bottom, tucked in the very back of the cabinet, were a couple of his baseball caps. Grabbing a red and white one, he put it on backwards to hide the disaster that was his hair. It was much more 2016 Buck than 2019, but whatever.

He walked back out of the bedroom. Eddie was in the kitchen but his eyes were immediately on Buck. Buck smiled sheepishly, “Do you know if you can schedule me a haircut?”

“What? Why?”

“Hair’s a mess,” Buck explained. 

Eddie smiled, “You probably used the wrong stuff. It’s okay, we can wash it properly later tonight.”

Buck blinked. “I literally use whatever is on sale at the store, bro.”

Eddie laughed, “Don’t call me bro with that hat on, come on. Anyways, wasn’t your hair super short when we met, and 50% gel?”

Buck frowned. “Yeah.”

“You have curly hair, like Christopher,” Eddie said, still smiling, eyes fixed on his hat. “It’s okay, you can wear that for now. It’s cute.”

Buck preened. Eddie called him cute again.

“Here, I made you an omelet. Let me get ready and get Chris up, you eat and then take your meds.” Eddie slid a plate over to him, a big fluffy misshapen omelette with mushrooms and peppers sitting lopsided on it. “Let me know if you’re still hungry after.”

Buck settled down to eat his omelet. He didn’t know what Eddie was on, this was really good. Way better than the congealed Kraft Dinner he attempted one night at South Bedford before Buck banned him from the kitchen. He watched Christopher and Eddie bustle around the house as he ate, warmth blooming in his stomach. Even with the gap of time, it was reminiscent of the busy mornings of South Bedford. 

Buck had barely noticed it on the way back from the hospital, but parked on the driveway was a new looking minivan. How suburban. Was it his Jeep that was traded in, or Eddie’s truck? Noticing the look on his face, Eddie smiles, “Your Jeep is in the garage.”

“Your truck?”

Eddie shrugged. He looked so handsome, in a pretty dark green jacket and sinfully tight black pants that clung to his thighs, making Buck’s mouth dry out. “Minivan was more convenient. Now, you aren’t cleared to drive yet for the next few days. I brought your medication and some painkillers, in case you get a headache or something. Just let me know.”

“I’m allergic to Naproxen,” Buck blurted out.

Eddie laughed, “Yeah, I know. I got you Tylenol.”

Buck’s cheeks burned. Of course Eddie would know that, even back in 2019. “Uh, this is kind of weird to ask, but is there anything else? Any new allergies?”

“Hm, no new allergies. Your leg might start hurting, it got injured a while ago. You also started hating oranges last year.”

Buck wilted, “What?”

“Really,” Eddie smiled at him, putting his hand behind the passenger seat to reverse out. It was, like almost anything Eddie did, easily competent and extremely attractive. “Poor Chris hasn’t had your orange muffins in months.”

Buck turned around instantly to look at Christopher. “I’ll make them again for you anytime.”

Chris laughed, “I’d rather have the chocolate brownies but thanks.”

Hm. Chocolate brownies. Surely Bobby had a few hours off to re-teach him how to cook and bake.

The drive to Maddie’s house was short, barely fifteen minutes. Buck didn’t recognize the house at all, but when Maddie stepped out of the door to wrap him in a hug, it felt all too familiar. 

She led them into the house, and a small body collided with Buck’s legs. “Uncle Buck!”

Buck reached down, ignoring the ache in his abdomen, lifting up his giggling niece. “Jee! I missed you so much!”

Jee-yun pouted, “You missed our family dinner.”

“I’m really sorry, Jee,” Buck sighed. He knew it wasn’t his fault for being in a coma, but guilt overpowered logic when it came to children. 

“Uncle Buck got sick,” Maddie explained, patting Jee on the head. 

“Are you all better?”

“Getting there,” Buck admitted. “Much better seeing you though.”

Jee giggled, pressing her face into Buck’s neck. Buck’s heart melted as he held her even closer. Eventually, Jee wriggled to be put down, and Buck let her run off. He turned around and his mouth dropped open.

Eddie was holding Nash against his side, smiling softly. Nash looked like he’d just woken up from a nap, chubby fists rubbing his hair. He looked to be around two or three, and he was absolutely tiny in Eddie’s massive arms. 

Maddie sidled up to Buck, “Eddie is probably Nash’s favourite person.”

“Come on,” Eddie said, bashfully, bouncing Nash up and down in his arms. Nash’s eyes were closed. He came up to Buck, “He loves everyone. He’s the best.”

“He really loves his Uncle Eddie,” Maddie teased. “He’s devastated anytime you leave.”

Buck could relate. The thought of being in Eddie’s arms and then having to leave was absolutely horrific. 

The rest of the day progressed well, Chim and Hen showing up after their shift to catch up with Buck. He was still tired, but happy to be in their presence, listening to everyone talk and dote on the kids. 

“Alright, let’s have some lunch and then you guys can get going!” Maddie clapped, standing up and leading the kids into the kitchen. Everyone got up to follow her.

“Ah,” Hen said, “Don’t think I can stay for lunch. Need to get to the store before going home.”

Buck shifted to get up, his left leg throbbing – 

Screaming, blistering pain in his leg, unlike anything he’d ever felt, begging for it to stop, Eddie’s tear-streaked face, agony –

Hours and hours of aching loneliness, forever alone and unable to go back home – 

Running out of Bobby’s house – “Because you’re exhausting!” – The place he once called home feeling cold and unwelcome, his found family turning out just like what he had in Hershey – Bobby and Eddie’s disappointed faces, Hen’s kind eyes – 

Pain and more pain and why wasn’t it stopping why couldn’t they just cut it off and make it stop – 

“Buck!”

Buck opened his eyes to Eddie’s terrified face, right in front of him. Flashes of his disappointment and anger sent Buck skittering back, to get away. Exhausting. You’re exhausting.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Eddie didn’t move any closer, but he leaned just the slightest bit forward. 

What was that? Eddie said they didn’t fight, but Buck must have done something so wrong to make Eddie so hurt, so angry…why did his leg still hurt? Buck couldn’t breathe, but he needed…

“Hen,” Buck gasped out. 

She rushed forward next to Buck. “Right here. What’s wrong?”

“My leg,” Buck whispered, “Something is wrong. Do you. Can you – help?”

Buck remembered the day he met Hen, and the day when really got to know her. It was a week after his first shift as a probie, working on a scared, disoriented patient who kept crying and crying. Hen was so good, calming the patient down, diagnosing and helping them. Buck had always been slightly in awe of her ever since, even as they became friends. She was calm and collected and she would help him. She could fix anything.

“Okay, let me have a look,” Hen said matter-of-factly, pulling her sleeves up. 

Buck felt like that patient that day, hysterical and afraid. He took a few breaths in, watching Hen work methodically. She was good. She was the best, he knew it, trying to convince himself, and he was safe with her. She breathed deeply, and Buck tried to match it, together with her.

“You’re okay, Buck.” Hen soothed a hand over his forehead, and he was distantly aware he was leaning into it, too much, he was always too much. She didn’t pull away. “Probably just sore from being asleep in that hospital bed for a week. Just take it easy, get some rest. Don’t overdo it with the leg.” 

“Thank you,” Buck whispered. “I’m. I don’t want to impose but. Can we go?”

Hen raised an eyebrow, but kept her eyes steady on Buck. He appreciated that she didn’t look at anyone else to double check. “Of course, Buckaroo.” She stood, reaching out an arm to help him up. 

“I’m going to take Buck for a drive.” Hen put a hand on his back, gently leading him outside. 

“Wait!” Eddie took a step forward, looking nervously at Buck. “Sorry, it’s just his medication. He needs to take it in half an hour. There’s some more Tylenol in there too.” He hands Hen a small bag that he had tucked into his jacket pocket, eyes flitting to Buck before settling on Hen. 

“I got it,” she said, calmly taking the bag from Eddie. “We’ll be back in a bit.”

Buck wrapped his arms around himself, feeling like his insides were going to spill their way out his mouth. He followed Hen out the door, down the driveway and into her car. She looked at him, “You want to actually go for a drive or just needed a minute?”

“A minute,” he muttered. 

“We’ll stay right here until you want to go,” she said soothingly. 

Buck tapped his wrist anxiously. “I had a memory in there. I got really hurt, and everyone was mad at me.”

Hen looked sad, all of a sudden. “Your leg?”

“What happened?” He looked up at her. Hen wouldn’t sugar-coat anything, but she’d be gentle and kind, as she always was. A burst of gratitude interrupted his sadness – he was so, so happy they were still friends. 

Hen hesitated, but met his eyes. “There was a bombing. You got trapped under a ladder truck.” She took a deep, shaking breath. “It was really terrible. I’m sure you can imagine. It took you months to get recertified.”

A ladder truck? He got crushed?

“Why? Why was everyone mad?”

“This was a long time ago, and the details were messy. You didn’t get your job back, and you sued the department.” At Buck’s expression, she reached her hands out to take his. “You were kept back from rejoining, but Bobby was worried. We know now you were just trying to get back to us.”

“Bobby stopped me?”

That really hurt more than Buck could think of. Bobby, out of anyone, knew that Buck considered the 118 his home. To know Bobby tried to keep it from him?

“Yeah. You threw up blood in his backyard. He was scared and went above your head. Then you went above his head with some crack lawyer and tried to sue. It was really messy for a while, but you got your job back and came home.”

Buck nodded. That was a lot. 

Understatement. 

He got why he’d be so upset, knowing his captain was the one who was the one basically rejecting him. But he was really mad enough to sue?

Hen sighed, “You weren’t really in the best place mentally, with the injury and all. We all kind of understand why you did what you did, even though it was stupid. You didn’t know that lawyer would expose all our secrets.”

Secrets? 

What had Buck done?

Hen smiled at him, sincere and kind, “Buckaroo, seriously. No one is mad at you.” Those were the golden words, but Hen continued to reassure him. “It’s water under the bridge, this happened…gosh, like eight years ago. You just wanted to come home. We get that. It’s really okay.”

Buck chose to believe her. Eddie wouldn’t have married him if he thought Buck was exhausting. Bobby wouldn’t have kept him at the 118 for this long if he really didn’t want him there.

Right?

“How are you?” Buck croaked out. “How’s Denny?”

“He’s good. Still great friends with Chris, they hang out every weekend. Going off to college soon,” Hen smiled. “At least it’s UCLA. Can’t imagine him going across the country.”

“What else happened with you? I missed so much,” Buck pouted. 

He evened his breathing out, listening to Hen talk about Karen and Mara and Julie, a baby around Nash’s age they adopted. Hen was still debating on doing a third year of medical school. 

She was happy. Buck was so happy she was happy. 

“We’re still friends?”

“Buckaroo, of course.”

“I’m glad.” Buck sniffed, love and relief and bitterness swirling up in his chest all of a sudden. “I don’t know what it’s like now but all I wanted was for us to all be friends.”

“We’re like a family,” Hen assured him, patting him on the hand when his eyes welled up with tears. “We’ve always got each other.”

Buck wiped his eyes, catching a glance at her wedding band. He looked down at his own hands, not seeing it. He couldn’t recall seeing Eddie wearing his ring either. Frowning, he looked up at Hen. “Does Eddie not wear his wedding ring?”

“He wears it,” Hen assured him. “Time for your medication, now. Hold on, let me get you some water from the back.”

“How did it happen?” Buck asked as she dropped the bag of medication into his lap. He needed to know, how did Eddie forgive him when he looked so upset? Buck’s memories were hazy, but he would never forget the jolt of pain in his chest, the despondent gaping hole in his heart when Eddie was upset with him.

He stroked a hand over his ring finger. Was it really too good to be true? 

Eddie’s kind eyes, Eddie’s furrowed eyebrows, Eddie’s gentle hands, Eddie’s angry voice. 

Hen raised an eyebrow, “You and Eddie?” When Buck nodded, she smiled. “You should ask him yourself.” Hopping out of the door, Buck turned down to the bag she gave him.

It was cute, made of yarn in varying shades of pretty blues with a zipper top. Buck opened it, and sure enough, there were the anti-seizure medications, the Tylenol, and…

Lip balm. 

God, Buck was tired of crying. Sure, it was a small thing, but knowing Eddie had cared enough to pack all his medication and the lip balm because Buck wasn’t used to carrying it around with him was overwhelming.

Hen came back in. “Buckaroo?”

Buck sniffled, “Sorry, I’m good.” He didn’t know why, but he was a bit hesitant to pull out the lip balm, even though Hen would be the last person to judge him.

“You want to go in?” Hen asked. 

“Maybe, yeah.”

“Hey,” Hen said. “I don’t know what you remembered in there, and I’m sure everyone else has said this to you like a million times, but you and Eddie really love each other like crazy. Of course we’re all here for you, but you can talk to him about anything.”

Hen really wouldn’t lie to make him feel better, she wasn’t that type of person – smart and skilled to cheer him up without lying. She really looked so sure that there was nothing he could say to Eddie to drive him away, to make him sad or upset or angry like in that grocery store from another lifetime.

Buck didn’t know how to be anything but too much.

When they stepped back in, Eddie perked up like a puppy. He stayed back, giving them space, but Buck could see his hands twitching. Buck smiled shakily at Hen, before straying over to Eddie.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“What do you have to be sorry about?” Eddie said, keeping his feet planted but leaning forward in that way that Buck knew now was his head and his heart fighting to give Buck his space but wanting to be closer. It made Buck want to cry and throw himself into Eddie’s arms, but if he started crying again, he got the distinct impression that Eddie might start crying too.

“I remembered the bombing,” Buck wrapped his arms around himself. His leg felt better, but his stomach was starting to really hurt from the hyperventilation. “I got scared.”

“That’s okay. I’m glad Hen could help you.” Eddie’s eyes and voice didn’t show a single lie. 

–

It was hot, so hot and so dangerous, inside a building halfway to collapse, but Buck couldn’t stop staring at the warm lights flickering over Eddie’s face, barely visible in the mask but the most familiar thing Buck had ever known – 

They were alone in the dark, in the truck bed in some El Paso cornfield, and Eddie’s tongue was on his neck and his big hands were on Buck’s soft chest, under his shirt, on his skin, pleasure crackling down his spine, Eddie was so good to him, touching him so perfectly right where he needed it, needed him – 

Eddie was looking up at him from under those long eyelashes, shy and doe-eyed and so pretty in the moonlight floating through the kitchen window at South Bedford, one step too close to be casual but not touching, Buck wanted to touch, why did he always want – 

It was just one second, one moment where absolutely everything just happened wrong. Buck had barely blinked, Eddie was gone, buried in the cold ground all alone, and someone was screaming, screaming, where was Eddie where did he go, Eddie, EDDIE – 

“Buck!”

Buck threw himself at the voice, where – he needed – was this real? Where did he go? His stomach ached after being curled up uncomfortably for so long, his throat hurt – was it him screaming? He was dreaming, he had gone to bed alone, but the dreams were real, it was all real, Eddie had disappeared underground – 

“I’m here, Buck. I’m right here. You have me. I’m right here, I have you, you have me.”

Buck breathed in, the familiar scent filling his nose, easing his mind. Eddie. He knew this voice, knew these arms. It was a dream, it was a nightmare that was real for some other Buck. Not for him, though, not in this bed. Eddie was solid and warm around him, whispering soothing words into his ear, real and alive and safe with Buck where nothing could hurt them. 

It felt so real. 

“Where did you go?” he sobbed. “You left.”

“I’m here, baby.” Eddie manhandled Buck until he was lying against his chest, pressing Buck’s ear over his heart. Buck whimpered, and Eddie trembled. “Listen. I’m here. Breathe with me.”

Slowly, with one of Eddie’s hands in his hair and the other rubbing his back, with Eddie’s soothing breaths and warm chest and low voice, Buck came back to himself.

“You got buried in the ground,” Buck sniffled. “Why were you all alone?”

Eddie somehow pressed them together ever closer. “We’re good, sweetheart, we’re okay.”

“You weren’t okay!” Buck pushed himself up, tears dripping down his face, looking into Eddie’s eyes. He looked a little shocked but mostly sad, staring into Buck’s face as if he could read every thought running through his mind. “What happened?”

“There was a kid stuck underground in a well, and I cut my line.” At the incredulous look on Buck’s face, Eddie smiled softly. “I know, it was a really long time ago. I won’t do that again.”

Buck sniffed, “Please don’t.” He settled back down onto Eddie’s chest, nuzzling into his soft shirt, then looking up. Somehow, Eddie was still attractive when 40% of Buck’s vision was his chin. It made Buck want to laugh, because of course Eddie had to be so handsome when it was the middle of the night and had been woken up by desperate screaming. “Have we ever had sex in a cornfield?”

“What??”

“Like, in a truck.”

Eddie made a strangled noise, going pink.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Buck pressed his nose into Eddie’s chest. “Didn’t know you had it in you to do anything in public.”

“I – we were very alone,” Eddie wheezed, going even pinker, burying his face shyly in Buck’s hair. He was so cute. 

“A much better memory than – um, what I remembered after,” Buck whispered. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“Hey,” Eddie tapped Buck on the cheek. “Don’t apologize. I’m happy you remembered that. It’s a good memory.”

“I didn’t know I was that sensitive,” Buck mused out loud. He grinned as Eddie’s heartbeat picked up. So cute. Buck wanted to eat him alive, cold fear melted away by playfulness. “Whatcha thinking about?”

“Shut up,” Eddie grumbled, running his fingers through Buck’s hair. Buck’s eyes closed instantly, basking in the feeling of Eddie playing with his hair again, this casual affection. He was dozing lightly when Eddie’s hand suddenly got a little firmer. “You are pretty sensitive,” Eddie whispered. “I love touching you.”

Oh my God. 

I love touching you I love touching you I love touching you – 

Buck whimpered, pressing his face back into Eddie’s chest. “Shy?” Eddie teased, holding onto Buck’s jaw and tipping his face up. He was smiling, but his eyes were so dark and he was so beautiful, running his thumb up Buck’s jawbone. Buck wanted to fuse his jaw open, for Eddie to touch him like this all the time, to have his mouth stay open for Eddie to stroke over his jaw and look inside his throat and pet his tongue, to be just something for Eddie to touch whenever and however he wanted. Eddie grinned, “What are you thinking about, baby?” 

Baby.

Buck had been called baby by dozens of people, shy and cute and flirty and sexy, but never by someone like Eddie, someone who said it like all of that and with so much love. Buck whined, tried to hide his face again, but Eddie’s fingers were firm on his face and Buck, in the deep secret part of his heart, really just wanted to do whatever Eddie wanted from him.

“You’re so pretty,” Buck said, shy. Eddie smiled again, less flirty and a bit flustered, his eyes focused and his thumb never losing that easy rhythm against Buck’s jaw. His hands were so big and strong but so sweet and solid. Buck always wanted those hands on him, in him. If Eddie could hold onto his heart, Buck would tear it out of his chest and place it into those careful hands, because even if they fought and Eddie was angry and Buck was exhausting and Eddie cut his fucking line, Eddie would always hold Buck’s heart carefully, gently, reverently.

Eddie was watching him. Buck knew, sometimes, that his Eddie would watch him. Eddie watched him at the firehouse, watched him at home, sometimes let his eyes linger a bit too long. Buck always managed to convince himself that it was friendly, protective, that it didn’t mean anything. 

This look Eddie was giving him was nothing like that. Buck could never convince himself that a look like this was friendly. He had never had Eddie’s gaze on him like this before. Buck wanted Eddie to watch him like this all the time, wanted Eddie’s eyes to always be on him, wanted Eddie’s time and attention all to himself. It was selfish, but Eddie seemed like he’d give Buck anything he asked for.

And Buck, from the moment they had smiled at each other outside the ambulance on that very first call where they promised to have each other, had wanted everything.

“Eddie,” Buck pleaded. 

It was the first time Buck could remember ever saying his name like that, but as Eddie’s pupils blew wide open, he knew it definitely wasn’t the first time Eddie had heard it.

Like a helpless sailor hearing a siren’s call, Eddie tilted Buck’s face up and kissed him.

Buck had never, ever been kissed like this, not even in his most hopeless dreams. 

Eddie tasted like sweet mint, warm and soft and insistent and teasing, tugging softly at Buck’s lower lip and urging his head slightly to the left. Buck shuddered, hands skittering over Eddie’s body as he was kissed and kissed and kissed like Eddie was starving for it, like Eddie needed it just as bad as Buck. Buck tried to give as good as he got, Eddie’s hand in his hair pulling him up for a better angle, then pressing flat to his chest to tip him onto his back, completely covered and surrounded by Eddie’s perfect mouth on his, by Eddie’s thick arms and firm grip and that pretty waist finally in Buck’s hands. 

Eddie pulled back just a bit (and Buck could feel him moving underneath his hands, those insane abs and the perfect dip in his sides), Eddie’s dark hair falling in his face, pupils so big and black that he looked crazed, panting lightly. “Where’d I touch you?”

“W-what?”

“You said,” Eddie groaned, pressing his face into Buck’s neck, his lips grazing Buck’s skin like he couldn’t go a second without his mouth on him. “You said you didn’t know you were that sensitive. Where?”

Buck swallowed. No one had ever touched him there before like Eddie had. That memory was stolen from him, but he wanted it so bad, wanted and wanted and wanted. He took Eddie’s left hand in his own, sliding it under his shirt, over his soft stomach and onto his chest.

“Eddie,” he whispered. 

“Fuck,” Eddie moaned desperately, taking his other hand off of Buck’s face and pushing the shirt up, up until he could gaze at Buck’s chest with his mouth half open, dazed, like he was starving. Buck squirmed shyly at the attention, wanting those pretty hands on him, needing him –

Eddie’s eyes slowly dragged down to his bruised stomach. He frowned. 

No way.

Buck had apparently had a literal firetruck dropped on him. No way a couple of little bruises would get between him and Eddie’s touch.

“Please, Eddie,” Buck pushed his chest out, beyond caring how desperate he looked, “Please, please, need it –”

“Jesus,” Eddie gasped, “Sweetheart, I don’t want to hurt you.”

Fuck that. Buck would take a hundred more bruises if it meant Eddie would touch him. 

“Please, please just a little,” Buck pleaded. God, he couldn’t remember ever feeling so needy before. Then again, he’d never had Eddie Diaz’s hands slowly stroking across his chest, dangerously close, never had Eddie Diaz’s lips on his skin. “Eddie, please don’t stop, I want you – ah!”

Eddie’s mouth was hot and wet and perfect. Buck didn’t think it was possible to feel so good, so loved and taken care of and hot, like a livewire of pleasure coursing through his body, coaxed higher and higher with each swipe of Eddie’s pink tongue. 

“So pretty here, baby,” Eddie whispered, dragging his mouth to the other side, his hand coming up to touch the bud he left behind, tugging lightly with his teeth and fingers at the same time. Buck felt desperate, delirious, he had never been harder in his life –

“Ow!” he groaned as his stomach ached when he arched his hips up. He balked as Eddie sat up in alarm. “No, no – Eddie – ”

“Shh, I’ve got you,” Eddie said, softly leaning back down and kissing Buck on the mouth again, hands staying firmly on Buck’s arms, moving to settle on his lap low enough on his hips that he wasn’t putting any pressure on his bruised stomach. “Let me just kiss you a bit, honey.” Buck whimpered, trying to tug Eddie’s face back to his chest, but to no avail. He tried to pout, but Eddie kept placating him with soft kisses, gentle and sweet, until Buck’s eyelids began to droop. 

Being kissed to sleep by Eddie Diaz was never ever something he’d complain about. Eddie kissed his cheeks, over his nose, pressing two last sweet kisses to the birthmark near his eyebrow and so gently to the one on his eye. Eddie checked the clock on the bedside table, smiling down at Buck. He looked radiant in Buck’s lap, “It’s time for your medication too now, let’s just take that and you can go back to sleep. Do you want a Tylenol?”

Buck nodded, reluctant to let Eddie’s hips go. Eddie kissed his forehead again, whispering,”I’ll be right back, sweetheart. Let me just get your medicine.”

Buck had never thought Eddie would be the type to use pet names but extremely glad to be wrong. It made his insides squirm pleasantly, his hands relaxing involuntarily. Eddie was back within thirty seconds, but Buck pouted when Eddie didn’t come back to his lap.

“I don’t want to hurt you, baby,” Eddie whispered. He moved them around so Eddie was leaning back against the headboard and Buck was resting on his chest between his legs, warm and safe and even more surrounded by Eddie. He took his medicine quickly, turning slightly to the side to press his cheek against Eddie’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. 

“Feeling okay?” Eddie checked in, blessedly putting his hands back in Buck’s hair.

Buck hummed contentedly. Eddie had to be magic, Buck usually spent his nights sleepless after bad dreams, but he was already dozing off, mostly asleep. 

As he was drifting off, he felt another gentle kiss to the top of his head. 

–

The next morning wasn’t awkward.

Buck didn’t really know how to act, but Eddie had stayed in bed with him until he woke up, and greeted him with a sweet kiss to the cheek before helping him up and to the bathroom. He left Buck to shower as he cheerily hummed to make breakfast.

It literally felt like a dream. He spent his days with a rotating cast of visitors, Maddie and Chim and Hen and Bobby, and Christopher when he was out of school. Surprisingly, he did actually remember how to cook, getting the stamp of approval from Bobby. 

And he spent his nights with Eddie. He had actually admitted that he didn’t sleep in the guest bedroom, too afraid that Buck would need him in the night, falling asleep right outside the open door. Buck immediately scowled and demanded that Eddie at least put a mattress on the floor for Buck to sleep in.

“You’re absolutely not sleeping on an air mattress, don’t be insane.”

Buck had swallowed. He had been a bit nervous to ask, but he really didn’t want Eddie to wreck his back on the air mattress, let alone sleeping in the hallway. “Then do you want to share?”

Eddie had blinked, looking away. “You don’t have to.”

“I slept well with you,” Buck had said, “I liked it.”

Eddie had turned to him, studying his face. “If you’re sure.”

And they slept together every night after that. They hadn’t gone any further than that first time, Eddie keeping his hands and mouth firmly above Buck’s collarbones. 

Buck couldn’t pick a favourite – being on top and having Eddie look up at him with pleading eyes, being pressed under the bulk of Eddie’s body, kissing Eddie’s soft pierced earlobe or his warm neck or his pink mouth, Eddie’s fingers on his jaw or in his hair or, on one memorable occasion, his hand pulling Buck’s thigh up around Eddie’s hip. Buck had thick thighs but Eddie’s hand was big enough to maneuver Buck wherever he wanted, making Buck’s head spin.

Buck was addicted. He has always liked kissing, but he could definitely understand why he married Eddie if the kisses felt like that (besides him being the best person Buck had ever known, kind and funny and brilliant and competent and a good father and and and – ). He couldn’t even hate having to stop kissing to sleep, he had never slept better. 

He got some memories back in fleeting moments, asleep and awake. A family trip to Big Sur with Chris and Eddie, a daring rope rescue, long nights in the firehouse cooking with Bobby and gaming with Chim, date nights with Eddie, watching reality TV with Maddie, Chris’ middle school graduation, the first time holding Eddie’s hand, sunrise hiking alone in the peaceful quiet, barbecues in Athena and Bobby’s backyard, with his family, building Legos with Chris, painful dinners with his parents, Eddie’s warm palm on his back, Eddie’s warm doe eyes on him, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Their lives were so intertwined. Buck never wanted to untangle himself – all he had ever wanted was a home, and he and Eddie and Chris built that together. He couldn’t want anything more. 

Bobby had been the one to take him to his follow up appointment, as Eddie needed to take Chris to the dentist. Eddie had kissed his forehead and Chris had given him a quick hug, and then Buck was off with Bobby to the firehouse and then to the hospital. 

Buck had come into the firehouse to get recertified – just like cooking, Buck knew how to be a firefighter, just not remembering the history of it. He knew what to be wary of on a scene, how to maintain and care for the fire trucks, even Hen’s organizational system for her ambulance. He was overjoyed to be back to firefighting again with his team in a month, even overcoming his nerves for the doctor.

So much could go wrong – more medication keeping him away from work, maybe something that was missed? He was glad Bobby was with him, an unflinching presence of calm who always settled Buck’s racing nerves. Just like Buck predicted, Bobby kept him talking, entertained, discussing cooking and baking and the good memories of the years he had missed. He and Athena were happily married, May working towards a PhD and Harry in college. 

Bobby being happy made Buck unflinchingly happy. He didn’t really know how their relationship was now, but Buck had seen him as a bit of a parental figure. Bobby smoothing his hand across Buck’s forehead when he was taken by the doctors made him feel like it might be mutual.

Buck had somehow found himself a family. 

The doctors did the scans, Buck twisting his hands anxiously. He really wanted to stop taking the meds. He wanted to be a firefighter again, wanted to work and go back to normal. 

The doctors came back, neutral faces when they came back with the results. “There’s good and bad news. You just need to finish up your medication tomorrow, and then no more.”

Buck grinned, and then frowned. “Wait, what’s the bad news?”

The doctor sighed, “It’s the progress of your memories. To make a full recovery, we would have expected you to regain many more memories by now. It is very possible that you won’t remember anything else. The mind is a tricky place. Of course nothing is guaranteed, but it is unlikely you will remember much more than you already have.”

Unlikely. 

From the moment those words left the doctor’s mouth, Buck felt like he was back in that coma.

He didn’t register Bobby pulling him into a hug, walking him out of the doctor’s office, bundling him into the car, driving him home – no. Driving him to Eddie’s house. It couldn’t be his anymore. His entire body was cold, unresponsive. Grieving. Of course it was too good to be true. Of course this life wasn’t his to keep.

“You want me to talk to him, kid?” Bobby asked. Of course Bobby knew what was on his mind. 

Well, it was always Eddie on his mind.

Buck looked up at him with blurry eyes. “What do I do?” He knew a lot had happened between them, things that Buck remembered in half-truths and memories. One thing stayed the same – Bobby was someone who Buck trusted implicitly, the closest thing to a parental figure he would ever have, even if they drove each other crazy sometimes. That was the kind of love that could withstand anything.

Buck didn't know if he could take it if that love was ripped away from him.

Bobby rubbed his hand across Buck’s curls, the same way Buck did for Christopher. “From the moment I met Eddie, I knew he would be the perfect partner for you.”

“How can I ask him to stay?”

Bobby smiled at him sadly, “Buck. One thing about Eddie is that he wants nothing more than to stay with you.”

It wasn’t quite that simple. Buck didn’t doubt that Eddie loved him, but the version of Buck that Eddie had fallen in love with, the one who Eddie had planned to spend his whole life with, had died in that hospital bed, and Eddie was just playing pretend with the twisted remains that were left behind. Eddie had enough affection for him to be kind, to let Buck keep imposing, keep taking, but one day Buck would do what he always did and drive Eddie away, and Buck would be alone again, and he couldn't take it, not from Eddie. Not when it was so close.

“Okay,” he said shakily. “I’ll talk to Eddie.”

He spent the next hour or so walking around the house, cleaning absently, trying not to vibrate out of his skin. He jumped when the door opened, Eddie and Chris coming in happily. Buck felt sick. Chris nodded at him as he went into his room, and Eddie smiled at him, full of joy, pulling him into a hug. “Hi, honey. What did the doctor say?”

Holding his resolve after seeing Eddie was very difficult, but Buck really didn’t want to lie. He gave Eddie a watery smile. “Uh, the recovery is good, but. They don’t really think I’ll get many more memories back.”

“Oh.” Eddie frowned. “I mean, there isn’t much known about amnesia, it’s still – ” 

“Eddie,” Buck whispered. His hands were shaking, there was a loud ringing in his ears. “It’s very possible I won’t ever remember.”

“Buck,” Eddie whispered back, opening his arms for Buck to fall into.

Maybe just one last time. 

Buck held Eddie so closely, their breaths syncing up. Buck knew he was shaking, but Eddie held him strongly, kept him from falling apart. How could Buck go on without this? He couldn’t even regret experiencing it, even though it would be devastating to let go of. He could live the rest of his life knowing that, at one point, Eddie Diaz had loved him. 

“You want some dinner?”

“I just want to go to sleep,” Buck said. Maybe the memories would come back in his dreams, maybe if he remembered something, anything, it would delay it for one more day, Eddie would let him stay for one more moment.

“Okay, let’s go.”

Eddie stripped him out of his clothes, gave him his medication, and bundled him into bed. “Sleep well, Buck.”

For the first time since that first night, Eddie didn’t join him in bed. It felt like a death sentence. 

Buck’s body had become accustomed to another body in bed with him, and he couldn’t fall asleep. He tried to memorize the soft bed, the gentle love in the house, the kisses and touches and the doe eyes haunting his dreams. The pain felt solid, animal, in his chest, down to his toes. The night stretched on, indigo into deep blue, shadows on the walls and the floor. There was no moonlight out tonight.

He couldn’t be here anymore. Buck pushed his way out of bed, silent out the open door, into the quiet of the house. All the lights were off, except one in a door that Buck knew went into the guest bedroom. It was half open, golden light spilling into the hallway as a lone figure was alone on the ground, like a divine angel, fallen on his knees.

Eddie. Eddie sobbing, silently, one hand over his mouth to stifle any sounds – even in his grief, he was considerate. His shoulders were shaking, his entire body trembling with the force of his sobs. Buck could only really see the left side of his face, the rest of him shrouded in shadow. He was shaking, holding something desperately in his left hand. Buck leaned forward a touch to see what it was. 

A wedding ring.

Of course, even after everything, Buck still wasn’t enough. 

Surely nothing could be as painful as this.

Buck backed off slowly, leaving Eddie to mourn his dead husband.

Distantly, as if he was possessed, Buck scrambled back, back out of the hallway. He needed to be out of this house. His hands were shaking so badly he could barely open the door, rushing onto the porch, tears running down his eyes as he turned back to take one final look.

Eddie ran into the room Buck had just left, eyes wide and wet. “Buck?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t, I’m sorry – ”

“Baby, please, it’s late. Please come inside, we can talk in the morning, I’m worried – ”

“I can’t, Eddie, please let me go – ”

“No, not like this – ” 

“Buck?”

Buck’s eyes darted to Christopher. 

“Buck,” Christopher repeated, stepping forward past Eddie, right up to the entrance of the house. “What’s wrong?”

He could pretend in front of Eddie, but Chris was asking him so sincerely and honestly that Buck couldn’t take it. “I – a lot is wrong,” Buck whispered.

“That’s okay. We can fix it together.” Chris said it like it was a matter of fact.

“I don’t know if this can be fixed,” Buck admitted, silently.

“Well,” Chris said, “maybe you can’t fix it alone. Let us help. Can you please come back in before Dad passes out?”

Eddie did look shockingly unwell. Swallowing, Buck took a shaking step back inside, and it did feel like a tectonic plate in his spine shifted back into place, like he was back where he belonged. Christopher took his hand, pulling him further in and locking the door behind him, guiding him to the couch and sitting next to him, pressing their sides together. “Why did you want to go?”

“The doctor said I might not get any memories back,” Buck admitted, the truth spilling out in the dead of the night.

Christopher blinked. “That’s okay. You’re still our Buck. You still love us, and we love you.”

“Of course I love you.”

“Then it’ll be okay,” Chris said. “You taught me that.”

Was it really that simple? Maybe for Chris, who Buck loved as easily as breathing. Maybe Eddie would still let Buck visit, let Buck come to his graduations and help him with homework and bake him brownies. Maybe there was some sort of compromise they could come up with. Sure, being around Eddie might be hard at first, but they were best friends underneath it all. Buck could silence his aching, bleeding heart for them.

Buck smiled. “Thanks, kid. You’re the best.”

Chris sat with him for a bit more in silence. That sweetness was all Eddie, down to the core. God, he really was just the best kid. Buck mourned the years he missed, hands shaking.

“Hey, mijo. You mind if I talk to your Buck for a second?”

Oh, no.

“Sure,” Chris got up, pressing his cheek to the top of Buck’s head for a second. “If you ever want to talk to someone who isn’t Dad, you can always talk to me.”

Best kid in the world. 

Eddie crouched on the floor in front of Buck. “I might need a bit more than what you said to Chris,” Eddie said. He had somehow completely dried off his face, only a hint of red in his eyes betraying what he was doing moments ago.

“I got scared,” Buck whispered. “I don’t feel like a real person anymore.”

“You are real,” Eddie said, insistently.

“I’m not him, Eddie.”

“I – okay, let’s take this out of the main room.” Eddie stood up and led Buck to the bedroom. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not the Buck you fell in love with,” Buck admitted. “As much as I – if I don’t remember anything, how can I be that person?”

“So you were just going to leave?” Eddie started shaking. “God, Buck. At least for Christopher, please don’t do that again.”

“I won’t leave,” Buck promised. “It was just all too much.” 

“Too much,” Eddie whispered. “Right. It was too much when you asked me to kiss you, then, too? When you told me to sleep in our bed again because you can’t sleep when I’m not there? Is it too much?”

“I’m sorry,” Buck wrapped his arms around himself, trying his hardest to breathe. It hurt, his heart dripping out of his mouth into a melted puddle on the cold floor. “I just was trying so hard to be him and I can’t be, I don't know what to do.

“Talk to me,” Eddie said. “Don’t be afraid of hurting me.”

Buck couldn’t breathe. He was hurting him by existing. “I’m so sorry, Eddie.”

“It…it’s okay,” Eddie whispered.

“When do you want me to go?”

Eddie made a soft, pained noise. “Just…say goodbye to Christopher.”

And not to you? 

Eddie looked up, “It’s your house too. Our names are on the documents. I can move.”

“I can’t kick you out of your house, Eddie.”

“It’s ours,” Eddie insisted. “I know, I know I’m not yours anymore, but you loved this house.”

“Stop,” Buck gasped, his legs feeling like they’ve been cut. He couldn’t breathe. “Why are you – please just let me go.”

Eddie let out a ragged breath. “You’re my husband. We've been together for years. I’ll do anything to keep you in my life, but it’s hard to let you go. It makes me sick to think about you loving anyone else. I’m sorry if I’m sad that you want to leave me, I’m really trying but it hurts.”

Wait.

Did he think Buck wanted someone else? Some other person, some other family, some other life?

“What are you talking about?”

“Come on, Buck,” Eddie scoffed. “You literally ran out of our house. I can take a hint that you want to leave.”

“I don’t want to leave,” Buck whispered. “I just don’t want to delay the inevitable.”

“What?” Eddie scrambled closer. “Honey, what do you mean by inevitable?”

Why was Eddie making him say it loud? It hurt so much to even think about, but if Eddie wanted words, Buck would scream it out loud. “I’m not the man you love, Eddie. I don’t want to live my life here pretending you love me until one day you realize I’m not who you want, that I’m not him.”

“Baby,” Eddie looked devastated. “No, never. Please, please look at me.”

“I’m scared you’ll leave me,” Buck whispered. 

“Buck, I love you,” Eddie whispered back.

“No.”

“Yes,” Eddie said, fiercely. “I loved you the day we shook hands for the first time. I loved you when you were angry and hurt from the firetruck bombing, I loved you when you helped me care for Christopher, I loved you when I was buried underground. God, Buck, I loved you when you died. What makes you think I don’t love you now? I wouldn’t care if you woke up and didn’t know me. I will love you until I pass away, and I will probably love you beyond then.”

“Eddie,” Buck said, helplessly.

“I understand if you want to go.” Eddie scrubbed his hands through his hair. “To you, I’m just your friend who you woke up married to. You have no obligation to be mine, but I will always, always be yours.”

“I’m so scared,” Buck whispered. “I want to be yours so badly, but I don’t want to let you down.”

“You could never,” Eddie insisted. “You say you’re not the guy I fell for? The guy who’d do anything for our son? You’re my Buck as long as you live and breathe, and maybe beyond that too.”

“Really?” Buck scoffed, “I don’t remember our first kiss, I might never remember our wedding.”

“My love,” he reached his hands out for Buck, and Buck took them. They were both shaking. “I won’t force you into something you don’t want, but please. Trust me. I would never, ever stop loving you. In that hospital, all I wanted was for you to wake up again, to see your eyes. I’ll give you all those memories again, I’ll do anything for you. Just tell me you want to stay.”

Buck closed his eyes, overwhelmed. 

It was hard to believe. No one had ever really loved him when it was hard, but if anyone could, it had to be Eddie.

He had everything he wanted within his grasp. He just had to trust Eddie, and that came easier than breathing. 

“I don’t want to go,” Buck confessed. “I want to stay. Please let me stay.”

“This is your home,” Eddie whispered, voice shaking. “Please stay. We can work it out later, boundaries, anything. If you want to stay, I need you.”

“I saw you crying,” Buck shifted, pushing his face into the safe place in Eddie’s shoulder. “With your wedding ring.”

“Oh, Buck. I was crying because I thought you’d want to leave. I thought I would lose you.”

“Why would I ever leave you?” That was the most ridiculous thing Buck had ever heard. “You will never lose me.”

Eddie shrugged. “I don’t know. If you wanted to fall in love with someone else.”

“There’s only ever you for me too.”

“I was scared too,” Eddie confessed. “I didn’t know if I was what you want now. 

“Eddie,” Buck pressed a reverent kiss to his neck, to his earlobe, tugging gently on the piercing in the way that made Eddie shiver. “I always want you too. It’ll only ever be you. I know it’s not the same as the Buck who loved you before, but I love you. Being around you makes me feel like I’ve found the home I’ve been searching for. I fell for you back when we met and I’ve been falling ever since. I never want to stop. I’m scared, but I want it to work. I only want you.”

Two figures, kneeling, painted with midnight blues, expressing their devotion. He loves me, Buck thought, and I almost let him go. 

Never again.

“Please, let’s sleep,” Buck pleaded. “Can’t sleep without you.”

Eddie made a broken sound, hugging Buck even closer. “I’m right here. You’ll never have to sleep alone ever again.”

And Buck believed him. 

–

Waking up in Eddie’s arms again made Buck’s heart soar.

Usually, Eddie was always the one who fell asleep second and woke up first. Buck had never seen Eddie sleeping, and his chest ached with warm fondness. Eddie’s head was on Buck’s chest, arms and legs wrapped around his body, never tight enough to hurt but firm enough to make his stomach swoop. Eddie’s face was relaxed, brown hair falling over his forehead, lips slightly parted. He slept so quietly, breathing slow and steady. Buck just watched him, content to have Eddie sleep on him for the rest of time. 

Golden light inched through the room slowly as the morning went on, Eddie still sleeping soundly. Even in 2019, Buck knew Eddie didn’t sleep a lot, and for most of his time here and now it seemed the same. Buck was honoured and deeply humbled that his presence made Eddie feel safe enough to rest.

Eddie blinked awake slowly, face scrunching up like a disgruntled kitten, pouting and pressing his face back into Buck’s chest. His hands scrabbled for purchase on Buck’s stomach, pulling their bodies even more flush together as he stretched. Buck could feel everything, his heartbeat picking up. Eddie laughed softly.

“I could hear your heartbeat going crazy at the hospital,” he said, voice low in the warm morning air.

Buck groaned, “That was so embarrassing."

“Was cute,” Eddie said, nuzzling his way into Buck’s flushed neck. 

Buck grumbled but let it go. If Eddie thought it was cute, Buck would hook himself to one of those portable heart monitors and just stare at Eddie, heartbeat going up and up and up. 

“You’re cute,” Buck whispered, kissing his forehead. Eddie kissed his neck in response, sucking the sensitive skin into his mouth. Buck’s hands flew to Eddie’s waist, overwhelmed.

“Come on,” Eddie said, pulling Buck up. “Let’s fix your hair.”

Eddie pulled Buck into the bathroom, over to the sinks. They brushed their teeth side by side, Eddie grabbing both of them some clothes from the closet. Eddie then, in the middle of the bathroom with no regard for Buck’s sanity, started stripping off his clothes. 

Buck wasn’t sure what kind of strangled noise came out of his mouth at the revelation of Eddie’s perfect golden skin. The few times he had seen Eddie without clothes on were brief, at the firehouse or changing before bed (and once, gloriously, in their bed in the dead of night, Eddie’s tank top moving to the side for Buck to kiss at his chest over his rapid heart), never like this. Eddie stepped into the shower, “You coming?”

Buck had never taken clothes off so fast in his life. 

Eddie was glistening wet, turning to Buck with a grin, “So. What have you been doing to your hair?”

Buck pointed to the blue bottles, “Those ones smell good, so I’ve been using them.”

Eddie’s grin widened, teasingly. “Those are mine.”

“You smell good,” Buck huffed, running a hand through his hair. Eddie’s eyes followed the movement, the bulge of his arm. 

“Anyways,” he said, slightly higher pitched now (Eddie was flustered? Because of him?). “You use all these pink and white ones.” At Buck’s incredulous look, Eddie chuckled. “Yeah, I know. Come here, let me show you.”

Eddie meticulously talked through the products, and Buck really tried to pay attention, but Eddie’s soothing voice and capable hands in his hair made him unable to process a single word. It should be legally impossible for him to have any form of higher brain function with wet, naked Eddie Diaz in the same shower as him.

“You’ve also got a hair drying routine, I can show – ” Eddie’s eyes widened comically as Buck walked them to the shower wall, “Baby.”

Buck had to kiss him, their bodies fusing together, kiss him and kiss him. Eddie moaned, quiet and high pitched, fingers rubbing over Buck’s chest. He kissed Eddie's jaw, his neck, sucking the piercing in his ear into his mouth, cool metal and hot skin, then back to his mouth. Buck’s hands found their place on Eddie’s waist, perfectly made for his palms to rest and his thumbs to rub over his body. Eddie whined, hands sliding up to his shoulders, and Buck needed him to make that noise again and again for the rest of his lives, needed to keep Eddie here, lost in pleasure for forever. 

Eddie seemed against these plans, pulling away. Buck moved to follow him, and Eddie laughed nervously, flustered and shy and hot and so cute. “Buck.”

“Eddie,” Buck mirrored. He looked down – oh.

Eddie was hard, flushed pink against Buck’s stomach. 

Buck wanted to drop to his knees. 

He hoped he was good at it. It’s what Eddie deserved, for Buck to be the best at pleasing him, making him lose his mind, giving and giving. He didn’t know how he could stop thinking of it. He was sure he had studied it, how Eddie liked to be touched and pleased and loved. And now he could get to learn how to do it all over again. 

For once, the thought of not living up to expectations didn’t scare him. Eddie loved him. Eddie, the most patient and kind person Buck knew, Eddie could teach him, Eddie knew what they liked, could show him how to make it perfect.

“I – you’re so good,” Eddie said. A jolt of overwhelming lust and pride shot up Buck’s spine. He was good for Eddie. “I just…maybe not – Buck – ”

Buck cupped Eddie’s face in his hands, fixated, needed him. “Want to make you feel good.”

“I feel good, I promise.”

Buck leaned forward, getting even more in Eddie’s space, watching his pupils dilate, watching his throat work. God, he was perfect. He tilted his head just a bit, smiling as sweetly as he could, “May I touch you?” 

Eddie squirmed, face heating up to that pretty pink colour that Buck loved. He kissed Eddie’s pink cheek, unable to keep his mouth off of him. “Fuck. I really want to, believe me. But…”

“Hm?”

Eddie sighed, tucking his head into Buck’s shoulder, words muffled.“It’s stupid, but it’ll be like the first time again. I want to take care of you, in our bed, when we have more time.”

Our bed. 

That was enough to placate Buck, moving back slightly, but Eddie pulled him closer. “Doesn’t mean you have to go,” Eddie pouted. 

Buck kissed the pout gently. “Making it hard for me to keep my hands off you.”

Eddie grinned evilly, turning the water to freezing, both of them yelping. 

Cute.

It did help, though, the atmosphere turning more playful and syrup-sweet. They washed each other, trading gentle kisses, drying off with Eddie going through the second part of Buck’s overly complicated hair routine with him. His hair did look much better, Eddie’s eyes going soft and misty as he ran his fingers through it. It was worth it.

They couldn’t stop touching. Eddie held Buck’s hand as they walked to the kitchen, hugged him from behind as he cooked (it was hard to maneuver but Buck would rather cut off his arm than ask Eddie to move from where he was comfortably pressed against Buck’s back). When Christopher came out of his room for breakfast, they kept it toned down, but wound their ankles around each other. 

“Sorry about last night, Chris. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s okay,” Christopher shrugged around a mouthful of pancakes. “I knew you’d always come back. Sometimes you need a little help, that’s all.”

Buck smiled, “You don’t have to worry about that. I definitely don’t want to leave.”

He got matching twin smiles from his Diaz boys.

Buck knew even if things got hard, if he or Eddie got insecure or worried or even if they fought, that it wasn’t the end of the world. There was no passive aggressive silence and days of coldness in this house, with this family. 

Maybe it really was just that simple – they loved each other enough to choose each other every time, to make it work, no matter what. 

–

“How are you feeling?”

Buck grinned nervously up at Maddie. “So good.”

It had been around eight months since Eddie and Buck decided they would stay together. Buck knew it was never really in question, just their own insecurities and fears working against each other, but it was still an important day to him.

Buck had gotten a few memories back, but like the doctors predicted, the return of memories had dwindled off around a month after the accident. It seemed like Buck had lived a pretty traumatizing life, as a lot of those memories were full of pain and injury and fear.

Every single one of those memories was worth the one of their honeymoon. A week in Mexico, of nothing but exploration and love and Eddie’s suntanned body all to himself. Buck had all of it in excruciating detail, the cute sunburn across Eddie’s nose, the sea turtles, the warm water and white sand, skin on skin every chance they could get. 

Buck had already booked them another trip to Mexico tomorrow. He would get Eddie in those pink lacy shorts one way or another. 

Maddie smoothed a hand over his hair. “I’m so happy for you. I think this is a great idea.”

A vow renewal. Buck had cried for hours when Eddie pulled out a handwritten notebook of his vows, all the edits and revisions, and got down on one knee and read them to him in a shaking voice. 

Buck had asked for a vow renewal right after. Eddie had agreed before he had even finished getting the question out. 

He had thought about another wedding, but they were already married. He didn’t want to step back into the past, to compare weddings, to have them both be stressed and anxious and afraid. This was just another step forward.

He smiled, adjusting his dark grey suit. Even though it wasn’t supposed to be as extravagant as a whole wedding, he had put a lot of care into the ceremony, planning everything down to the minute. Eddie had laughed at his spreadsheets and calculations and binders, saying he would happily renew their vows in the middle of a fire, as long as they were together. 

Every moment of stress and meticulous care was worth it, though, as soon as he saw Eddie smiling across the room from him. After all, he knew his beloved, had the rhythm of his breaths etched into his bones, had his blood running through his veins, had his reassurance and his care and his affection. He had spent years running and chasing a place to belong, a home, only to fall into the perfect one. 

Buck didn’t need the memories to fall in love with Eddie, over and over again.