Chapter Text
Josh groans as he looks as the time on his phone. He’s been waking up way too early recently.
Debby sleeps soundly next to him. He tries not to disturb her as he gets up, stretching. Usually, he wakes up and goes for a jog, but today, he’s feeling way too tired. He looks outside. It’s raining, anyway.
Josh grabs his phone and goes downstairs, the air is cold and quiet on the first floor and he didn’t put a shirt on but he doesn’t mind the temperature. It feels dark, sleepy. Kinda like Tyler.
He sits on the couch, the fabric beneath him cool on the surface. Checking his phone and opening instagram, he can’t help but look. Maybe just look. He’s right. He’s online.
Josh smirks to himself and opens his messages, clicking Tyler’s name.
josh: damn you’re up early
Josh sends it and waits for a reply. Tyler has his read receipts on for him, something he did a long time ago and never stopped doing. Josh appreciated it though, since Tyler was usually awful at reading and then not responding to messages.
The ‘delivered’ turns to ‘read’. Josh can’t help the smirk that’s still plastered to his face.
tyler: who says I slept
josh: you know that’s bad for you right
Josh shakes his head at himself. He can’t help but be a little bit concerned about Tyler’s sleeping schedule. He always has been. It’s not really his business but.. he cares. Maybe a little too much.
tyler: getting up this early is also bad for you
josh: its actually not
tyler: you text me to nag me or what?
Josh bites his lip. He knows Tyler’s just playing but he can’t help but feel like he’s probably annoying him. He shrugs and continues playing back, how they usually do.
josh: yeah
tyler: I knew it. you’re not slick
josh: what you doing tonight
tyler: wallowing in self pity
Josh laughs to himself. A typical Tyler response. They’ve been on break from the Clancy tour for like two weeks now and Tyler’s been acting stir crazy. Josh loves the freedom, more than he’d admit, but he knows Tyler is itching to get back out there. The new album releases in September and it’s not even close to done, and Tyler’s been stressing Josh out about it for months.
josh: wanna log in at 11?
tyler: I’ll consider it. and I’m sending you that demo
josh: I’ll give it a listen
tyler: cool. talk to you at 11
Josh locks his phone and wishes it wasn’t so early in the day because 11pm is so incredibly far. He sighs and leans his head back against the couch, his thoughts running circles in his brain.
Tyler’s been on his mind a little too much recently. Every second he blinks, he sees him. He thinks about him when he doesn’t even realize. He’s been watching old interviews, old music videos. Searching. Wondering.
Josh looks up when he hears footsteps. Debby enters the living room and leans against the door frame.
“You’re up early,” her voice is gravelly, not fully awake.
“Yeah,” Josh nods. “I uh, might go for a jog. Haven’t decided yet.”
“Looks like it’s raining,” Debby points to the window. It’s pouring out.
”Yeah. I mean.. yeah. Nevermind.” Josh runs a hand through his hair, looking away from her.
“You sure you’re okay?” Debby takes one step further into the living room but Josh waves her off.
“Yeah, babe. Sorry. I’m just tired, I guess,” Josh sits forward, his elbows on his knees. “What time should we leave?”
”I mean, my flights at I think one-thirty. So maybe we leave at like, eleven?” She crosses her arms over her chest, shivering slightly. She’s only wearing a button up shirt.
“Cool,” Josh says. “Sounds good.” Josh is secretly relieved that Debby’s going away for a few nights. His mind has been whirling so hard that he feels disconnected and maybe he knows why but he doesn’t want to admit it. Not yet. He needs time to himself to think.
Debby nods and leaves the living room, leaving Josh to himself again. He bites his lip. He loves Debby, he does. More than anything. She’s wonderful, she’s sweet, she’s so cool. But part of him wonders why he doesn’t feel.. connected. At least not since they got married. And it’s been almost six years but he can’t help but think… did he marry her for the right reasons?
He tugs on his own hair in frustration, his brain playing clips in his head of his relationship with Debby but somehow it keeps coming back to Tyler.
It always comes back to Tyler.
Josh wishes her and Tyler got along better. He feels like that would make things so much easier. If he really thinks about it, they’re civil. They talk. But they’re not.. friends. Not like him and Jenna. Part of him wonders if it’s because Tyler has something against her, something deep rooted. He never fully liked her since they broke up the first time in 2015. Hell, Josh doesn’t even think Tyler liked her before that.
Josh thinks about everything, all at once. His whole friendship with Tyler, their dynamics. The way Tyler seemed to almost shut Josh out when he got married, and again when Josh got married years later. Josh always felt some sort of pull from Tyler, some sort of something… deeper. A sort of goosebump-filled touch to the thigh that can send him into oblivion. The way his deep eyes search his soul when he speaks, like he’s soaking in every word. The way he follows Josh’s movements with his eyes.
Josh finds himself thinking about Tyler way too much.
—
Saying bye to Debby at the airport felt like a breath of fresh air and Josh regrets that he feels that way. Driving home, his hands tap the steering wheel to his playlist, and his mind wanders again.
He looks down at his phone and decides to open Tyler’s messages, clicking the recording he sent and letting it play through the speakers of his car.
It’s a great melody, and Josh can definitely track drums onto it. Tyler is so talented, and Josh wishes he could play more instruments but he sticks to what he knows he’s good at.
He finds himself thinking about a demo he found on his computer. He sent it to Tyler a while ago, and told him they should finish it, but Tyler hadn’t gotten back to him yet.
Once parked in his driveway, Josh’s mind wanders again. He thinks about their music, their band, their success. There’s no one else he’d rather do this with. He remembers the early days, before either of them were married, when it was just the two of them. Josh misses that. More than he’d care to admit. He wonders if Tyler thinks the same way.
Him and Tyler had always been flirty. He’d admit that. Tyler always makes comments about his body that makes his skin light on fire, and the way he looks at him could send his soul into orbit. When they’re alone, they’re a little bit more touchy than Josh is with his other friends. They spend so much time together that Josh feels as though Tyler is his left hand.
Josh thinks about the last time he’d tried to come clean to Tyler. Multiple times. The most recent time was just before he married Debby- one last cryptic fight where words that should’ve been said were left in the dark. The time before that, before Tyler married Jenna. Josh had gone on some kind of emotional bender, and Tyler knew why. But Tyler chose to ignore it, or move past it. Or whatever.
Josh bit his lip and let his memories play on a reel. How close he had gotten to the truth with Tyler. How different things would be if he just made a move when they first met.
But Josh also knew that wouldn’t have gone over well. For either of them. They were so close to the other side religion and guilt and shame but it’s like they took two steps back. For Josh… more like ten. He often wonders if Tyler feels the same.
By the time Josh finally goes inside, the afternoon light is shining through the house. He sighs and goes straight to his studio and plugs his phone into his laptop, queuing up the demo Tyler sent him.
He sits behind his drums and lets the track play through once, feeling the rhythm and creating a beat in his head. He starts, laying down the drums over the track. He can tell where Tyler was going with this song- emotional and bold but disguised as playful. Something Josh is too familiar with.
When he’s satisfied with his cut, he does it again, perfecting it. When he’s finished, sweat plasters to his chest and forehead. He takes his shirt off and throws it in the corner, standing up and re-playing the track.
Satisfied, he sends it back to Tyler.
He remembers an old demo on his computer he keeps playing with. He revisits it again, something from a long, long time ago that never left his brain. He’s added his own drum cuts onto it but it’s not quite where he wants it yet.
He gets back behind his kit and continues working on the old demo, trying his best to make it sound the way he can hear it in his head.
He listens to it back when he’s done, panting, breathless. His muscles ache but it’s the kind that he loves. It sounds like it could be something great. It’s just missing Tyler’s magic touch.
Josh forwards him that one, too.
The album has a release date, they have their first single chosen but the actual completion of the album feels like it’s so far away. Tyler is such a perfectionist, he keeps Paul at his house past midnight to work on these tracks and then scratches them all anyway.
Josh is a perfectionist, too, but not in the way Tyler is. Tyler will literally sit in his studio for fourteen hours straight without sleeping just to perfect a track. Josh is drawn to this about him. His passion for music and sharing his art. It’s something Josh has always admired, always felt that piece fit into his puzzle perfectly.
Josh spends the rest of the afternoon trying to keep himself busy. He messes around on his drums, plays with a few tracks on his computer, paces for a few minutes. His mind keeps running. Keeps retreating back to his safe spot, he has this thing deep down he can’t deny about Tyler but he also loves Debby. He loves his life and where he is but he can’t help but feel like something is missing. There’s a void somewhere within him he’s felt for years and he knows what it is but he doesn’t want to face it for real.
At 10:59pm, Josh sits down in his gaming chair and puts his headphones on. He adjusts the mic to his mouth and logs into Discord, waiting for Tyler.
At 11:02, the line on the other end rustles and he can feel Tyler’s presence. His heart races immediately and he clenches his controller to keep it under control.
“Hey,” Tyler’s voice fills his ears.
“Hey,” he replies. “You gonna pick the medic again or go for someone different?” Josh tries to immediately jump into the game to avoid any kind of awkwardness he may exhibit.
“I always pick the medic,” Tyler laughs. “You gonna pick the girl again?”
”She has the best weapons, so yes,” Josh roll his eyes playfully, even though Tyler can’t see him.
They start their round, tag teaming the enemies and wiping out most of them before one of them gets Josh. “Shit. Medic. Revive me.”
Tyler’s character rushes over. “You always get killed here, you gotta stop trying to take them all at once.”
”Well maybe if my medic was nearby-“
”I’m right here, jeez,” Tyler’s character revives Josh’s and they continue on.
“Shit, left, left, watch your left!” Josh’s voice cuts through, and Tyler instantly kills off the enemies rushing them.
“Watch out, man,” Tyler says, then shoots someone behind Josh.
“Pft, I saw him,” Josh laughs and continues on. Tyler’s character follows close behind him.
“See, I’m the medic because you die like eight times in one round,” Tyler’s voice is playful.
Josh smirks into the mic. “Someone’s gotta give him a purpose.”
”Whatever, man. You just can’t stay alive.”
”I’m on your team so be nice to me,” Josh rolls his eyes. “Unless you wanna play against each other.”
”Now you know that’s a bad idea,” Tyler’s laugh lights up Josh’s ears. “‘Cause you know I’d destroy you.”
”I’ve been practicing,” Josh shrugs. “I’ve gotten better. Gotta get on your level, somehow.”
Josh barely even likes video games. In all honesty, Josh barely even likes games at all. But he’s willing to play this one with Tyler. It’s become a routine, about once or twice a week, they log in at 11pm and play just the two of them. It’s almost like spending an extra hour of alone time together, and Josh will take anything he can get.
Tyler lets out a long sigh once the round is over. They’re above to move to the next round, but Tyler’s character isn’t moving.
“What?” Josh asks, wondering why Tyler paused all of a sudden. He can still hear him breathing, so he knows he’s still there.
“I’m kinda over it, man,” Tyler sighs. “Wanna just.. talk? Or something?”
Josh’s heart flips in his chest. He grips his controller, his eyes locking on Tyler’s motionless character on the screen. “Yeah. I’m down.”
”Cool,” Tyler says quietly. Then, he speaks up again. “I uh, haven’t checked out what you sent me yet. But how do you feel about it?”
Josh wishes they weren’t talking about music right now. “I thought it was good. I like the vibe. Feels like it fits. I’m gonna send you that old demo I was working on, too.”
”That one from like 2014?” Tyler laughs softly. “You keep trying to bring that back.”
”Yeah, but like,” Josh trails off for a moment. “It’s good. I think it would mesh well with this record. I tried to really re-work it and I think you’ll like it now.”
”Ooo-kay,” Tyler says, not sure if he fully believes Josh. “I’ll trust you for now.”
”Trust me always.”
”I do,” Tyler says quickly. Josh can feel his fingers start to go numb with how hard he’s clenching the controller. “I’ll listen to it. I promise.”
Josh smiles to himself. “Cool.”
A comfortable silence falls between them momentarily. Josh’s mind is running lines, a script of what he wants to say and should but can’t and shouldn’t.
Tyler speaks first. “Uh, I think Paul’s coming over tomorrow. To work on some of the tracks. If you wanted to come.”
Josh’s heart skips a beat. Recently, even though he sees Tyler almost every second day when they’re not on tour, it’s like every moment spent he banks into his brain as something to analyze later. Is he too obvious? Does Tyler flirt with him, or is that just how he is? Why doesn’t Tyler talk to any of his other friends like he talks to Josh?
”Sure,” Josh says. He stares at a piece of carpet on the floor beneath his desk that’s starting to rise. “What time?”
”I think he’s coming at like, two. And Jenna’s going to her mom’s with the kids, so…” Tyler’s voice trails off. “You could come a bit earlier than two, if you wanted.”
Josh feels like he could puke with the sudden panic that rises in his chest. It’s not like anything has really changed between him and Tyler in the recent years, except for this weird internal longing that Josh has been feeling more and more as time goes by.
Josh nods, then remembers Tyler can’t see him. “Yeah. I’m down. I can come whenever, man.”
Josh can hear Tyler suck in a breath before speaking. “I mean, the earlier the better. Just cause, you know.. I feel like I haven’t seen you in a minute.”
Now Josh really does want to throw up. “I mean it’s been like, four days,” he says with a laugh, his face red.
“Yeah, four days too long,” Tyler says casually, like he doesn’t know what he’s doing to Josh. “I’m deprived.”
”Deprived of me?” Josh swallows a dangerous lump in his throat.
“Yeah,” Tyler says it like it’s the most casual thing in the world. “Can you bring that hard drive?” He adds, like he didn’t just flip Josh’s heart inside out.
It’s not like Josh hasn’t heard any of this before. Tyler is always saying things like this, little comments here and there, comparing him to Jenna. Comments on Twitter, on stage, in interviews. He sees it all. He used to read into it, then gave up. But now.. now Tyler’s making it harder to not read into it.
“Yeah, I’ll bring it,” Josh replies. His voice is a bit shaky and he curses himself for feeling so nervous around this guy he’s known since he was twenty-three.
“Awesome. Thanks man. I’ll text you in the morning, then.” Tyler’s voice swims through Josh’s brain.
“You gonna actually sleep?” Josh questions, raising an eyebrow.
“Mm, probably not,” Tyler laughs.
“At least try.”
“Get outta my face with that,” Tyler says, and Josh can tell he’s only half kidding.
“At least try,” Josh says again, ignoring Tyler’s sass.
“And what if I don’t?”
Josh bites his lip. “I won’t come over.”
“You’re bluffing,” Tyler’s voice is hard now.
“Wanna find out?” Josh is usually never bold. Never that controlling, or possessive. But when it comes to Tyler, he feels things he’s never felt before.
He can’t deny the way his skin crawls when Tyler laughs with someone else, jokes around with them, does his stupid little flirty eyelashes. It took Josh a very, very long time to get over Tyler being with Jenna, and it seemed to have gotten easier for a minute.
Now, though, something is stirring inside Josh. It kills him to see Tyler with anyone. Anyone that’s not him.
Tyler groans on the other end. “Ugh. No. Fine, I’ll try. Stop being so bossy.”
”Stop being stubborn,” Josh says back. Tyler is usually the bossy one, the sassy one, the stubborn and bold one. Something about Tyler makes Josh feel this way. Something about him makes Josh feel completely opposite of how he usually feels and it makes him sick to his stomach to think about it.
“Goodnight, Joshua,” Tyler says and Josh can almost hear his playful eye roll.
“Night. Sleep good,” Josh says and his face cracks into a smile.
Tyler yawns on the other end. “I’ll sleep but can’t promise it’ll be good. Maybe if I dream about you shirtless.”
Josh almost chokes on his own spit. Of course, it’s something he’s heard before. Too many times. But something about Tyler saying it when they’re alone without an audience thinking they’re joking. Josh can’t help but wonder.
“I don’t know if you’ll sleep at all if you do,” Josh says and curses at himself silently for saying something so bold.
Tyler takes it in stride, like he didn’t even notice. “Probably not. So maybe I’ll dream about something else.”
Josh wants to reply, but his bottom lip is caught between his teeth. He can feel something stir in his lower stomach, thinking about Tyler’s words. About Tyler.
“Anyway, text you in the morning,” Tyler says like he didn’t just admit something to Josh that Josh is already denying he heard.
Josh is about to reply but the line goes dead. He looks back up at the screen as Tyler’s icon disappears.
He sits there for a moment longer, replaying his words in his head. Tyler wants to be alone with him tomorrow. Usually, that wouldn’t be weird in any way. They spend more time alone together than they do with other people. But Josh knows things in the past few weeks have felt.. different. A little bit more real. A little bit more consuming.
He bites his lip until it starts to hurt and finally peels his eyes away from the screen. He takes his headphones off and stands up, turning the screen off.
He makes his way back upstairs, Tyler on his mind every step. He replays their whole history. Every moment together that he can remember. Every touch, every second they got too close. Every comment Tyler made. It almost seemed too obvious in Josh’s mind, but he refused to see it for so long. He moved on, he got married. He can’t keep feeling this way.
As he gets in bed, he looks next to him. Debby isn’t there. She’s off making a movie because she’s talented as heck and Josh doesn’t know what he even did to deserve her in the first place. She’s so perfect. She’s everything he could ever want.
So why does he feel like somethings missing?
He settles down into the mattress, staring at the ceiling. He’s been having trouble sleeping recently, too. He knows Tyler barely sleeps but he wonders if he stays awake thinking about the same thing that Josh is.
Josh closes his eyes and is starting convince himself to drift off slowly when his phone vibrates next to him. He leans over and checks it, the light making his eyes squint.
tyler: I think I will dream about you actually
Josh’s heart flips in his chest and instantly starts beating faster. He tells himself not to reply, but he’s typing before he even knows it.
josh: shirtless? 😅
tyler: is there any other way?
tyler: goodnight 😁
Josh locks his phone and his heart continues racing. It’s just a long running joke. Tyler likes Josh shirtless. Tyler likes Josh’s body. He knows that. He tries to tell himself he’s only ever joking but he also knows Tyler isn’t one to just joke about things like that because he’s more open and fluid than he’d ever admit. The world sees it though, and Josh sees it too. Josh admires it. Loves it, even.
Tyler’s words play through his ears like he’s still wearing the gaming headphones. He can still see his text burning into the back of his eyelids as he closes them. He smirks to himself, feet and fingers feeling a little bit numb as he lays there and over-analyzes their whole friendship.
Josh falls asleep and dreams about Tyler.