Archive of Our Own

“Left eye,” called Guillermo as he aimed at the far wall of the dining room. As he was about to toss the kunai, Nandor interrupted.

“Your left, or my left?”

Guillermo hesitated.  “Umm… his left?”

“Oh. Of course. Carry on.” Nandor swept his hand magnanimously. Guillermo frowned at him.

“You’re trying to distract me. Well, it won’t work.” He threw the knife and its red blade flashed as it flew across the room, shhhooop, embedding itself in Jordan’s left eye with a thunk. They had tacked the cover of the most recent issue of New York Business Monthly to the wall. It depicted Jordan Smith, Guillermo’s former boss and CEO of Cannon Capital, standing in a masculine pose, arms akimbo. The legend under his feet read, “Indicted!” Three of Guillermo’s new Dark Fury throwing knives stuck out of the picture. He walked over to the wall and pulled them out.

“Very good, Guillermo! Let’s see, that was the left eye, the heart, and the penis, yes?”

“That’s right. Let’s see if you can top that,” he said smugly, returning to Nandor’s side.

Nandor smirked. “Yes, let’s see if I can.” He held three gold-handled knives in his left hand. Before Guillermo could blink the three knives were in the air, one following the next, shoop shoop shoop thunk thunk thunk. Guillermo looked at the target in astonishment, then back at Nandor, who raised his left hand and waggled it. “Left handed,” he grinned.

Guillermo ran to the target to check. Sure enough, one knife handle stuck out of the left eye, the heart, and the crotch, each blade right next to the holes made by Guillermo’s own knives. “That’s cheating,” he said, outraged. “We agreed: no vampire powers. That was your handicap.”

Nandor rolled his eyes. “A: you don’t need a handicap. I told you this. Secondly, I didn’t use any vampire powers. I have had centuries to practice a lot of stupid shit. I just got really good at this one.”

“Well, you didn’t tell me that. I still say it’s--”

“Hel-looooo!” Colin Robinson was suddenly standing in the doorway. He knocked three times on the doorjamb and stood there looking into the dining room at them.

“Oh. Hello, Colin,” said Guillermo as he returned Nandor’s knives to him.

“Colin Robinson,” said Nandor, sort of politely. “What do you want?”

“Oh, nothin’ much. I haven’t seen you guys around lately. I just thought I’d check in with ya.” Colin Robinson’s midwestern drawl was full of good cheer. He pointed at Guillermo’s right hand, in which he held his new knife set. “Guillermo, I see you are using some Japanese throwing knives, there. I believe that style is called ‘kunai’, in the original Japanese. An interesting fact about that type of throwing knife. Of course, as you probably know, they were originally used, as gardening or masonry trowels, by, of course, Japanese gardeners… or masons… until they were adopted by ninjas for use as weapons. The hole, that you see there, in the handle…” he gestured toward Guillermo, who groggily examined one of his knives, which indeed had a hole in the end of the handle, “…that is where a rope would have been attached that would either allow the ninja to pull the knife, once thrown…,” As Colin Robinson droned on, Guillermo slumped into one of the dining chairs. Nandor was swaying on his feet, eyelids drooping. “…of course,” he wagged a finger in Guillermo’s direction, “it is not to be confused with the ‘shuriken’, which are sometimes of a similar shape as your kunai, there, but are most often depicted as…”

“Colin Robinson, stop it,” pleaded Nandor.

“Well, actually I’m just now getting to the most interesting part.” Colin pulled out a dining chair and seated himself backwards with an exaggerated sigh, his legs straddling the chair back. “You see, the shape of the blade…” They heard the blessed and merciful doorbell chime.

Guillermo scurried out of the room past Colin Robinson, racing for the front door. “I’ll get it!”

“I wanted to get it! Fucking guy,” complained Nandor, still trapped in the dining room.

“Anyway, what I was saying was, about the shape of the blade…” Colin Robinson’s voice faded into the distance as Guillermo hurried down the steps and through the entrance hall.

He flung open the door to see a tall balding man standing next to a large carboard box. The man was holding a clipboard and an envelope. He said, “Guillermo de la Cruz?” When Guillermo nodded, the man held out his clipboard and said, “Package for you. Sign here, please.” Guillermo signed his name, the man handed over the manilla envelope, and he started to back away. “You’ve been served. Have a good evening!” Guillermo watched him in confusion, his brain still foggy from Colin Robinson’s draining.

“Wait!” he shouted after the man, already halfway down the path. “What’s in the box?”

Turning, he said, “No idea. It was there when I got here.” Then he was gone.

-----

When Guillermo reentered the dining room carrying the box and envelope, Colin Robinson was gone and Nandor sat slumped over the dining table, his head resting on his arms. Guillermo tapped him on the shoulder and he startled, half turning to look up at Guillermo. “Oh. Guillermo. It is you.” He wiped his hands over his face, smoothing his beard. He caught sight of Guillermo’s face and paused, looking at him with concern. “What is it? What is in this box?” He stood, gently took the box from Guillermo and laid it on the table. With his fingernail, he split the packing tape and pulled the box open. He ran his hand over the contents. Guillermo sat heavily in the chair Nandor had vacated.

From his seated position Guillermo could see the return label on the box which read “Mazyar Tailors, Brooklyn”, and within the box under white tissue paper he saw black fabric. With a flourish, Nandor pulled out a black cape, which swirled around his legs. “Guillermo, this is beautiful.” The cape was black velvet with silver details. Still inside the box Guillermo could see the tunic, which had been under the cape, also embellished and embroidered with silver thread. The silver thread had been an extra touch Mazyar had added, apparently. Guillermo had only specified all black, no fur. Nandor frowned. “But I don’t know about this thread. Silver?” He cautiously reached out with one finger and touched a bit of the embroidery. He quickly pulled his hand back. Then he touched it again, lingering this time. “Oh, it’s okay. It’s not real silver.” He put the cape down and fished out the tunic, holding it up against his chest. “Mazyar always does such good work, doesn’t he? He’d better, for what we pay him.”

Nandor finally noticed that Guillermo hadn’t said anything, was just staring at the envelope which he still held in his hand. Nandor looked down at him. “Guillermo, what’s wrong? Why are you making that face?” Wordlessly, Guillermo handed Nandor the envelope. It was already open. “What’s this? Is it Mazyar’s bill? You should give this to Colin Robinson, not me.” He pulled the sheaf of paper out and unfolded it. “Summons,” he read.

Guillermo looked up at him. “The guy at the door was a process server.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

Guillermo sighed. “It means I’m being sued. They want discovery. That means I have to go to a lawyer’s office and tell them anything they want to know that’s relevant to the case.”

“What case? Who is suing you?” His eyes searched the document looking for names.

“Jordan.” An ominous silence hung between them.

“I told you I should have hypnotized him,” said Nandor gently. “But you felt if we just let him forget all of it, then he would continue to do the same thing to other people.”

“Yes, and I still believe that. He’s a bully and a creep, and he should pay for his crimes.” They fell silent again.

Finally, Nandor sat down beside Guillermo and met his eyes intensely. He said, “You know, we have both, you and I, committed many crimes that we are not paying for. Much worse crimes than fraud and being mean to his employees. It’s not too late to find Jordan and hypnotize him, make him drop the lawsuit, make him forget he ever met us.” Guillermo felt devastated. He didn’t know what to do. He almost felt like he was going to cry, something he hadn’t done in years. “Or I could just eat him?”

Nandor seemed to be trying to make him feel better. Impulsively, Guillermo scooted forward on his chair until their knees were touching. Then he leaned forward and put his arms around Nandor’s neck. Nandor looked surprised for a scant moment, then, as if making an irrevocable decision, he pulled Guillermo onto his lap and wrapped his arms around him. Guillermo took a deep breath and clung to Nandor’s neck. This felt different to Guillermo than anything they had ever done. Nandor would have never permitted this kind of thing before a few weeks ago. Strangely, it felt somehow more intimate than sex, more intimate than lying close together afterwards. It was hard for Guillermo to articulate, even to himself, what they were now, but this felt like more than friendship. Guillermo buried his face in Nandor’s hair, inhaling him, and just sat still for a long minute, breathing deeply, while Nandor held onto him. “I need to get a lawyer,” he said softly into Nandor’s hair.

Nandor’s growl started deep in his chest and Guillermo felt it before he heard it, rumbling and angry. It spilled out of him in a roar as he suddenly stood up, dropping Guillermo onto the rug with a thump. Guillermo yelped, momentarily shocked as his butt hit the floor, but he quickly recovered. He looked up to see Nandor striding toward the dining room door. He scrambled up and trailed behind him. “Nandor, where are you going?”

“Keep up, Guillermo!” He kept walking on his long legs, descending the stairs and turning left toward the library. He called out, “Laszlo! I need you.”

Laszlo was sitting on the settee reading a thick volume. He turned a page without looking up as Nandor entered the room, Guillermo close behind. “Not tonight, Josephine!” he said. “I am awaiting my good lady wife. When she returns from her ‘girl’s night’ with Charmaine, I am going to fuck her silly. So you are out of luck, old chap.”

“No…it’s not about that, Laszlo. It’s about Guillermo.” He gestured with an elegant hand to Guillermo who stood beside him holding the summons.

“Aaah! Indeed?” He slammed his book closed. “You have decided to share him, at last, is that it?” He rubbed his hands together, giving Guillermo a long lascivious look. “Well, in that case, perhaps there is time before Nadja comes home…”

“Ohh-kay,” Guillermo said, rolling his eyes.

“You misunderstand me, Laszlo. It is not about sex at all.” Laszlo grunted and picked up his book. Nandor sighed. “Guillermo needs some legal advice. You used to be a solicitor, yes?”

 “Oh yes, I practiced law extensively in London, in my day.” Laszlo looked with interest at Guillermo. “So, Gizmo! You are in trouble with the law, eh? What have you done now, my lad?” Guillermo handed him the summons. He shook the paper dramatically to unfold it, then read it quickly and carefully. He looked up at Nandor. “I say, isn’t this the chap from Cannon Capital, the one that you two taught a lesson to several months ago?”

“Yes,” replied Nandor.

“Are you telling me he remembers what you both did? Nandor, why didn’t you hypnotize him?” He stood up from the settee, his book forgotten, and took a step toward them. He shook the paper in their faces. “This is very dangerous. He knows who you both are! He knows where you live as well, as evidenced by the arrival of this summons!”

“Yes, Laszlo, we know all that, of course,” replied Nandor impatiently. He straightened his shoulders so that he stood to his full height, several inches taller than Laszlo. But he held his hands in front of his diaphragm and played with his rings, which was his habit when he was feeling unsure of himself. Guillermo moved a step closer to him. “That is why we need your legal advice. As for why we did not hypnotize him…” He glanced down at Guillermo. “We had our reasons.”

“It’s my fault,” Guillermo said quietly, feeling miserable. “I wanted him to remember that I beat him. I wanted him to feel his punishment, to understand that he was going to go to prison, and that I was the one who sent him there.” He sat down on the settee and put his head in his hands. “I was selfish. What we did, beating him like that, humbling him? It made me feel powerful.” He looked up at them both. “Do you get it? I didn’t want him to forget that I did that.” Nandor sat next to Guillermo and put his arm around his shoulders protectively. Laszlo, however, had no such sympathetic feelings.

“Well, you’ve certainly bollixed this situation up, haven’t you, boy.” He shook his head. “And all for ego!”

“What do you think I should do, Laszlo?” asked Guillermo pitifully. He had no real hope that Laszlo would have anything helpful to offer.

Laszlo sat down across from them and sighed. “As much as it pains me to say this, Gizmo, I do believe you need to hire yourself a real lawyer. Someone who has practiced law in this country, and in this century.” He handed the papers back to Nandor and leaned back lazily in the chair. “Then, I would advise you to go to this deposition, which your lawyer can facilitate, get into a room with this Jordan and his lawyer…”

“Lawyers, probably. He’s rich.”

“Very well, his lawyers, and ideally everyone else he’s told about you and Nandor, and hypnotize them all into oblivion. While you’re at it, tell them any ridiculous fucking nonsense you want to, about how you two are superheroes, or spies, or whatever shit you’ve been getting up to,” he snarked. “That should help you with your feelings of inferiority. Which you should really be seeing someone for, by the way. I offer my services in that capacity, when you finish cleaning up this mess.” He waved a hand dismissively.  “Now fuck right off, the two of you, and leave me to my reading.”

Guillermo looked at Nandor, who said quietly, “That is what I think, too.” Guillermo nodded sadly. Nandor stood and held his hand out to Guillermo, who took it and got up off the settee. “Thank you, Laszlo, I think that was very sound advice,” said Nandor solemnly. “We will hypnotize this Jordan into oblivion, as you suggest.”

As they left the room Laszlo called after them, “And come back if you change your mind about sharing!”

Guillermo wanted to use his computer to find a lawyer to represent them at the deposition, so they took the coffin elevator down to the lair. It looked much the same now as it did the first time Guillermo had seen it, with two differences. The first was that the red and gold satin quilt that had been on the bed was no longer there. They had thoroughly ruined it, and it was currently piled in a corner. Guillermo kept forgetting to take it to the dry cleaner. He had been very busy lately, fighting crime (a little) and having sex (a lot).

The other difference was the sheet of paper that was tacked up by means of a knife shoved into the dirt wall. The paper had the heading “To Do”, followed by a list with two columns, written in a neat, conservative hand.

Public    No
Semi-public     Maybe
Orgy     Maybe
Flying     Yes!!
Rooftop     Yes
Bath/Shower     Yes to both
Swapping     No
Knives     No Maybe Yes  

There were many more items, and next to several there were one and sometimes two checkmarks. The very last item on the list was in a different hand, and after it was written the following exchange:

ANIMIL FORM
No!!!
☹ COM ON
Absolutely not!
PLEES ❤️
Fine I’ll consider it
❤️

Guillermo booted up his laptop and began to search for lawyers (cheap). Before long he had eliminated a few and settled on a woman who had her offices in Staten Island. Guillermo explained the situation to her over the phone and agreed to email her a copy of the summons, and she agreed to represent them for the deposition, which was to take place in two days. While all this tedious computer work was going on, Nandor had been puttering around the room, playing with his weapons, poking at the candles, and pacing. When Guillermo at last shut his laptop, Nandor said, “Finally! Let’s go out hunting now.”

Guillermo was feeling slightly better now that there was a plan. Even though he was beginning to suspect that Jordan had a plan, too. There was something strange about the summons. He needed to read the whole thing through carefully, and think more about that. But for tonight, he needed a distraction. “Okay. But wear the new black outfit.”

-----

Their lawyer had agreed to meet them at the law offices of Jordan’s lawyer. As they entered the lobby, Guillermo was hiss-whispering to Nandor, “I’m not tryna put my dick in a dog!”

Nandor hissed back, “It doesn’t have to be a dog, Guillermo. I can—”

“Shhh,” Guillermo shushed him. There were other people in the busy lobby as they approached the reception desk. One elderly woman glanced at them in alarm as she hobbled past on her way to the exit. Nandor waved at her and smiled in a pacifying way. She frowned at them both and kept walking.

Guillermo said quietly, “They have metal detectors. Look.” Just past the reception desk was a set of rectangular arches. A security guard stood next to a table, instructing people to remove all their metal and put it into a bowl. Another guard stood on the far side of the arches, watching each person carefully as they walked through the detectors.

“Yes, I see them. Are you ready, Guillermo?”

“I’m ready.” His face was grim and determined.

Nandor said nothing as they approached the table and the first security guard. The man in front of them in line put his keys and phone in the bowl, then he removed a pistol from under his suit jacket and put it in the bowl also. The guard said, “Sir, you can’t bring that in with you, we’ll have to check it, and you can pick it up when you leave.” He handed the pistol to a third guard who gave the man a tag and took the pistol away.

Guillermo said, “It looks like they’re going to make me check everything.”

 As they approached the table the guard said, “Good evening, sir. Please put anything metal in this bowl and step through.” Guillermo put his keys and phone in the bowl. Then he pulled two knives out of the left pocket of his trench coat and a truncheon out of the right. From the breast pocket he pulled a set of brass knuckles. He unbuttoned the coat and began to pull knife after knife out of his chest rig, as the security guard looked on, astonished. He motioned to the other two guards, who gathered around to watch.

Nandor smiled sheepishly at the guards. “He looks like such a delicate fellow. But he’s a rascal.” Guillermo ignored them as he pulled two more knives out of the back of his belt, and finally produced a two-foot long piece of rebar from somewhere, dropping it on the table with a clatter. Then he looked up at the guards.

“Should I step through?”

“Are you sure that’s all, sir?” said the guard sarcastically.

“Yes. At least, that’s all I have that’s made of metal.”

“You know you can’t take all this in there with you sir. We’ll have to check it.”

“That’s fine.” Guillermo held out a hand for his claim tag and calmly stepped through the detector. As he was picking up his keys and phone Nandor stepped through behind him. He had nothing to put into the bowl. They walked toward the elevators, aware of the guards staring after them.

-----

Lisa Leemer, JD, Esq. watched her clients as they approached the glass office doors. She prided herself on being an observant student of human nature. She had an opportunity to observe them now, as they had a long walk down the corridor from the elevators. They were a strange couple, she decided. One of them was below-average height, rotund, with gorgeous wavy black hair and a charming face sporting horn rim glasses. He wore a trenchcoat and black boots. He looked maybe Mexican or at least Hispanic. Based on this  alone, she guessed this was Guillermo de la Cruz. The other, much taller figure…was something else. Imposing, with broad shoulders and a glossy fall of dark brown hair past his shoulders. His features looked possibly Middle Eastern, but his face was very pale above his dark beard. He was extremely handsome, with a strong, straight nose and brooding brows above flashing brown eyes. And what on earth was he wearing? He looked resplendent in gold and green, like some kind of royalty, but it was completely inappropriate for a deposition. She watched them speak quietly to each other as they walked close together. She saw the taller one look down at the shorter one with undisguised affection. She couldn’t hear their conversation, but it didn’t take much observation for her to realize that, strange as they may look together, it worked for them. There was some incredible kind of chemistry going on there, for sure.

As Mr. de la Cruz opened the office door and held it for his companion, she could now hear a snippet of their conversation.

“…very quick, I promise!”, the tall man was saying.

“No. You’re insatiable. Maybe after.” The lawyer stepped out in front of them and stuck out her hand.

“Hello, gentlemen. I’m Lisa Leemer, I’m your attorney.” She shook hands with Guillermo. “I believe you are Mr. de la Cruz, we spoke on the phone.”

“Yes, please call me Guillermo. Thank you for agreeing to do this on such short notice, and for arranging for it to happen after hours.”

“It’s my pleasure. Call me Lisa. And who is this?” She turned and looked up at Nandor’s face. He opened his mouth to speak but Guillermo cut him off.

“This is Nandor, he’s my…my assistant.”

Nandor growled down at Guillermo, who stared straight at her and tried to look nonchalant. “Hmmm. Yes. I am his… assistant.” He had an interesting accent that she couldn’t quite place. It was patently obvious that this man had never been anyone’s assistant. Nevertheless, the lawyer decided not to question it. In her experience, if the subject of a lawsuit wanted someone with them for moral support during a deposition, it was best to accommodate that. It made everything go more smoothly.

She had asked them to arrive an hour before the deposition was supposed to start so she could meet them and have a quick strategy session, hear their side of the story in person, and thereby decide for herself whether the lawsuit was likely to go forward. The law office had allowed her to use one of their conference rooms for this purpose, and she ushered them inside. They chose two seats very close together. “Can I get you some water before we start?”

Guillermo said, “Thank you, that would be nice.”

“Nothing for me,” said Nandor, holding up a large ring-covered hand. Who was this guy? She grabbed two bottles of water from a mini fridge, handing one to the younger man and putting the second in front of Nandor in case he changed his mind. He just looked at it.

“All right. Let’s get right to it.” She opened a file folder. “Mr. de la Cruz – Guillermo – you have been named in a suit brought by your former boss, Jordan Smith, formerly CEO of Cannon Capital. As you know from the summons, he is alleging that you, through subterfuge, gained access to private and proprietary financial data, as well as personal data about employees. He further alleges that you corrupted a film crew, which was filming a documentary about his company, and coerced them into helping you expose sensitive company documents and emails – possibly through blackmail, although his reasoning is not completely clear here, which is part of what they want to determine through discovery.”

“Aayiiii,” said Nandor angrily. “Guillermo did not coerce or blackmail anyone! Certainly not the film crew…” 

Guillermo put a calming hand on Nandor’s knee and he subsided. So, they were a couple, she noted. “I want to hear your side, of course, but let’s just recap what he’s saying you did, okay?” Nandor grumbled to himself. Lisa continued, “He says that you were angry over having been denied a promotion. He further alleges that because of that, you physically attacked him in the offices. And that you broke a window and did some property damage? He claims that your actions cost him his livelihood and caused him to have a mental breakdown and severe emotional trauma, as well as ongoing physical pain...”

Nandor interrupted again. “Guillermo did not attack Jordan. I did.” Lisa looked up from her papers. Guillermo was attempting to shush Nandor again. Their heads were close together and they were having a fierce but very quiet argument. “Guillermo,” Nandor was whispering, “you should not have to take the blame for that part of it.”

Guillermo whispered back, “The plan was to claim that you were never there, remember?”

“Yes, but that was before I knew that you were going to be blamed for throwing Jordan across the room. And breaking the window too! The very idea is ridiculous. Look at you. You could not throw anyone across a room…”

Even though she was fascinated by everything these two were saying, and by whatever their deal was, Lisa decided she’d better get the meeting back on track. “I’d just like to remind you both that, as your attorney, everything you say to me is privileged. But it would be a good idea to tell me everything now, before we go in there. I won’t appreciate being blindsided by Smith’s lawyers if I don’t have all the information I need to properly represent you. Also, I can hear what you’re whispering. Just FYI.”

They looked at each other for a long moment. Nandor said, “We can always…” And he pointed his fingers at Guillermo and wiggled them. Guillermo raised his eyebrows and looked at her, then back at Nandor. He seemed to come to a difficult decision.

“Okay,” he sighed. “Here’s the whole truth. Or at least all of the truth that is relevant.” He paused as if gathering courage. Lisa had seen this before with clients, when they were about to confess to something horrible. She braced herself.

“I did work at Cannon Capital. I was Jordan’s assistant and a junior analyst. And yes, I did expect a promotion and I didn’t get it. But none of the rest of it is true. I didn’t attack him, I didn’t corrupt the film crew, and I didn’t get access to any personal employee data. He’s making all that up. But…” he hesitated again, “Nandor and I suspect that this deposition might be a trap. That’s why I said we planned to claim Nandor wasn’t there.”

“I see. That’s very dramatic,” she laughed. “What sort of a trap?”

“A trap for Nandor. He was there that night, and Nandor was the one who attacked Jordan. He was defending me. The film crew was never Jordan’s; it was always ours.”

“Whose?” Lisa felt like she was missing something important.

“Mine and Nandor’s, and the other…people that I live with.”

Nandor huffed impatiently. “Just tell her, Guillermo. Tell her or I will.”

“Okay, okay, fine. That night, Jordan was verbally abusing me, and Nandor stepped in to protect me. He’s telling the truth, that he threw Jordan across the room. He threw something through the window and broke it. Jordan knows it was Nandor and not me, but he’s claiming it was me. Nandor’s name isn’t even mentioned in the summons.”

“Okay. So why do you think he would do that?”

“Because he thinks Nandor will come to my defense again. I…we…think maybe people don’t believe him, what he told them about Nandor. And he wants to prove it. At least, that’s what we think might be happening.” The lawyer looked at her watch.

“Mr. de la Cruz, I’m afraid I don’t understand. If he thinks Mr. Nandor is the one who attacked him, why not just go after him directly? Why go after you?”

“Guillermo,” Nandor began sternly. “Spit it out.”

Guillermo sighed. “Because he can’t. Because he’s afraid of him. Because Nandor is a vampire.”

Lisa Leemer half-laughed. What game was this guy playing. She looked up at Nandor, who smiled at her, baring his teeth for the first time. Fangs. She jumped up so suddenly that she knocked the chair over and cracked her knee on the table. Her heart was pounding, and her animal brain was shouting at her to run! It was a primal reaction, the way she would have reacted to meeting a wolf in the woods. “What the fuck!” she shouted. Guillermo de la Cruz just sat there looking at her. Nandor didn’t make any move toward her or do anything threatening, although he had an expression on his handsome face that made her think he had enjoyed her reaction. After a few seconds the adrenaline rush began to fade, leaving that sick feeling she sometimes got after a close call in traffic. She righted the chair and regained her dignity. She sat cautiously down and faced her clients again. Be professional, she told herself. Everything they tell you is privileged. She took several deep breaths. Her clients were waiting for her to calm down. They weren’t laughing or giving each other high-fives – so if it was a prank, they were keeping good poker faces.

She inhaled deeply one more time. She was shaking but she bravely ventured, “Nice fangs. How long have you had those? Did you get them at Party City?”

Nandor replied calmly, “Thank you. For over seven hundred years. And no, I did not get them from Party City. They are real.”

Guillermo said, “You see? He’s sitting right here in front of you and you don’t believe in him. You can imagine that if Jordan tried to tell people he saw a vampire but didn’t have any proof, well, most people would think he was crazy. And a narcissist like him wouldn’t be able to stand that.” He looked up at Nandor with obvious pride and an air of possessiveness. “That’s why we think Jordan might be trying to trap us, or at least Nandor.”

Not taking her eyes off Nandor, the lawyer said, “Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that I believe that you are a vampire…or whatever. And let’s say that I agree that Jordan Smith has called this deposition to get you two in a room for the purposes of ... what – catching a vampire?” She shook her head. It didn’t make a lot of sense.

“The plan isn’t complicated. We made sure they know he’s here with me – we made ourselves very obvious to security when we came in. I’m going to go into the deposition without him, check for traps or anything that will hurt Nandor. But Jordan will either demand to see him, or he’ll start being abusive again, hoping Nandor can hear.”

“Which I will,” the vampire chimed in. “And then I will come in as a vapor and they won’t be expecting it.” He grinned, baring the fangs again. Lisa winced.

Guillermo looked up at him and continued, “The idea is to disorient them. It will be easier if they are off-guard. Again, in case he has something planned.” He looked back at her. “We are counting on the likelihood that Jordan won’t know all the things Nandor can do. But there’s no guarantee. He might have convinced some people that what he saw was real. So they might be ready. Nandor can’t just walk in.”

“No,” added Nandor, obviously very excited about this plan now that they had decided to take her into their confidence. “I will come in under the door as smoke, appear in human form suddenly! They will shit themselves!” He laughed. “And then I will hypnotize all the lawyers into forgetting the lawsuit existed and hypnotize Jordan into dropping the lawsuit.”

“We’ll make Jordan forget what he saw at Cannon Capital that night. Then we’ll take all their paperwork. It will be as if the lawsuit never happened.”

Lisa raised a cautionary finger. “I can’t be a party to that. I could be disbarred. You know that destroying or hiding legal documents is against the law, right?”

They were silent for a long moment. Then Guillermo pointed at Nandor. “Vampire,” he said simply.

Nandor put an arm around Guillermo. “And after it is over, I’m going to give him a blowjob in the men’s room.” Guillermo blushed bright red to the roots of his hair, which Nandor was currently ruffling.

“Nandor!” Guillermo hissed. “You can’t just say things like that out loud!”

“I just did! Don’t worry, Guillermo. She won’t remember that I said it.” They both looked at her and smiled. She shivered.

-----

Guillermo stood outside the door to the conference room where the deposition was to take place. His lawyer, Lisa Leemer, stood facing him, holding file folders up to her chest protectively. She seemed calm and competent, and Guillermo had enjoyed being able to talk openly to someone, but he knew she must have just compartmentalized all the strange new things she had learned in the last hour. It had not been part of the original plan to tell her about Nandor, but he felt it would work better if the one person paid to be on his side wasn’t running around screaming. He hoped she would be okay.

In spite of his seeming confidence in that first interview with the lawyer, he was actually extremely nervous. His hands were sweating, and his heart was beating too fast. It wasn’t that he didn’t think the plan would work. There were a few moving parts, but he had faith in what they were about to do. He’d had to create harder plans to get them out of a jam, but this was the first time the jam had been of his own making. So he was feeling guilty about that. But the hardest part for him was going to be facing Jordan again. He took a deep breath, struggling to get his anxiety under control. He blew out the breath and said, “Okay. I’m ready.”

The lawyer opened the door and they walked in.

Jordan was the first person Guillermo saw when he entered the room. He was seated facing the door with his back to the window. On either side of him at the long conference table sat men in suits, two to Jordan’s left and three to his right. Each of them had a thick folder on the table in front of him. 

At far end of the table lounged two other men who did not look like lawyers. They were both wearing polyester shirts with wide collars, open down to the sternum. One of the shirts was a bold paisley print. They had gold chains around their necks, and their hair was feathered. They sprawled in their chairs looking bored, but they met his eyes. Guillermo knew that if he could see their legs and feet under the table, they would be clothed in high-waisted flared pants and platform shoes.  Their names were Kenneth and Christopher, and they were twins. Guillermo knew this, because he knew them. They were vampires.

Guillermo doubted they would remember him. The last time he had seen them was over 10 years ago at an orgy in Hell’s Kitchen. He had gone along to attend to Nandor in case he needed anything, but as usual he had spent the whole night in a small basement room with the other familiars, listening to the screaming, raucous laughter, and some other noises he didn’t care to remember. But at one point these two had come down to the basement to get their familiar, and Guillermo had noticed them because they were very handsome. They looked like matching blonde Tony Maneros, and they embraced that look, always dressing in tight disco-era clothing and exuding sex appeal.

They had been right, and this was the “trap”. Jordan had managed to find some other vampires to… what, work for him? How much did Jordan know about them? How much had Jordan told Kenneth and Christopher about Guillermo? Did they know that the vampire Jordan had seen that night was Nandor the Relentless, and would it matter to them if they did? There was no way for him to ask. So he just sat down at the table across from Jordan, and Lisa Leemer sat beside him. She was the only woman in the room. The vampires watched Guillermo with interest.

Jordan was watching him too as he sat down. “Hey, Guillermo. It’s been a while.  Where’s your friend?” The words were friendly but the tone was decidedly hostile.

Right to the point, eh, Jordan? “What friend are you talking about, Jordan? I’m the only one named in the lawsuit.”

Jordan jumped out of his chair, instantly furious, startling Guillermo and his lawyer. “I know he’s here! We all saw you come in with him, on the security cameras!” He started to lunge over the table at Guillermo, who scooted his chair back but said nothing. He had seen Jordan’s rage make him lose control before. It looked like the plan was going to work better even than he expected, and Jordan was about to dig his own grave.

Two of Jordan’s lawyers pulled him back into his chair and tried to calm him. He shouted at them, “Don’t hold me back! I want to smack him in the face for what he did to me! That should get his friend to come crashing in here, and then you’ll see I’m not crazy!” The lawyers were all looking startled and a little angry, but the vampires at the end of the table just looked entertained as they watched Jordan. Jordan pointed at the twins and focused his anger at Guillermo. “You see these two guys, kid? They’re my new bodyguards. It’s gonna be two against one, this time! You didn’t think I’d figure out what your friend is, did you? Well, I did!” Jordan was red and sweating. Veins stood out on his forehead and he looked on the verge of an aneurism.  “And once I figured that out, it wasn’t too hard to find a couple more who would be my muscle!”

“Mr. Smith, calm down, please.” Lisa looked at the lawyer to Jordan’s right, directly across the table from her. “Do you want to get your client under control, so we can start this deposition?” The lawyer shrugged helplessly, looking pained. Jordan didn’t like being told what to do by subordinates like Guillermo. But he really didn’t like being told what to do by women. He looked at her with absolute venom in his eyes and said, “No one is talking to you, bitch! This is between me and this little sp*c fa**ot!” 

Everyone in the room reacted to that, with either a gasp, an outraged shout, or a mumbled admonishment. Everyone, that is, except Guillermo, who had always suspected that Jordan had only been held back from using such slurs at Cannon Capital by the HR department and fear of a lawsuit, and the twin vampires, who laughed softly and slapped hands. Chaos reigned, just as Guillermo had hoped it would. The lawyer nearest to Jordan was trying to pull him back into his chair and was whispering urgently to him. Several of the men got out of their chairs, physically distancing themselves from Jordan. One headed for the door, mumbling something about having had enough of this guy.

Then, greyish-black smoke flowed under the door, circled the room, and with a poof resolved into the shape of Nandor. His cloak billowed as he landed on his feet. Even more pandemonium ensued. Everyone not already standing got up and stumbled back, as far away from Nandor as they could get, and this time even the vampires stood up. Guillermo quickly got to his own feet and rushed to block the door, stopping the lawyer who was about to exit. He whipped a wooden stake out from under his trench coat and held it against the man’s chest. 

“The cool thing about a wooden stake,” said Guillermo calmly, “is that it will kill a human just as easily as it will kill a vampire.” The lawyer stopped and backed away from the door, hands up. The look on his face was confused and anguished at once.

Jordan was euphoric. He pointed at Nandor and shouted, “That’s him! That’s the guy! He’s a vampire! I told you!” The lawyers were staring at Nandor in utter confusion. Jordan ran to the end of the table and got behind his vampire bodyguards. He brought his arm up between them and pointed at Nandor. “That’s your target! Do your job, do you hear me? Kill him!”

Guillermo had seen Nandor furious before, of course. Most recently when he’d been looking for Guillermo with the intention of killing him. When he got very angry, the normally easy-going and fun-loving Nandor was terrifying. He was very angry now. Jordan’s lawyers scrambled out of the way as Nandor, growling fiercely, stalked around the table toward the vampire twins and Jordan, who cowered behind them. A couple of the lawyers dove under the table to get out of Nandor’s way. They crawled out the other side and approached the door, but Guillermo was still guarding it. Lisa Leemer stood near the door as if frozen, her back to the wall, watching the scene unfold.

Up to this point, Kenneth and Christopher hadn’t said anything, but now one pointed at Nandor as he approached them. He said, “Nandor the Relentless? Is that you, man?” Guillermo had no idea which one had spoken; they were truly identical.

Nandor had been singularly focused on Jordan, but now he paused, noticing the twins. “Oh hey!” he exclaimed. “How are you guys doing?”

“Gnarly, dude! It’s been a long time!” said one twin. He turned to Jordan who still cowered behind him. “Hey man, you didn’t tell us the vampire you wanted us to fight was Nandor the Relentless! This guy’s a legend!” He laughed.

His brother said admiringly, “You should see him cut loose at an orgy! Epic!”

Jordan, outraged and horrified, yelled, “What are you talking about? I hired you! I paid you to take care of him for me!”

The twins looked at each other. “Yeah, sorry, guy,” said one. “See, the older a vampire is, the stronger he is. And this guy is, like, six centuries older than we are. Plus, he was a famous warrior. Yeah, we can’t take him.” They shrugged.

Nandor’s anger had melted away. He affected a modest expression. “Very kind of you to say so,” he said. “Would you care to join my friend and I,” he gestured elegantly at Guillermo, “in taking care of this little situation?”

It was quickly done. Guillermo gathered up the file folders from all the lawyers including their own, while Nandor hypnotized the male lawyers to forget the lawsuit, Jordan, and anything they had learned about vampires. Then he ordered them all to sleep. As one, they slumped to the floor, curled up, and peacefully slept. Then Nandor faced Jordan. The twins stood to either side of him, each of them casually holding one arm as he struggled. Nandor brought his right hand up and said, “Jordan Smith, you will forget everything that happened here today. Additionally, you will forget that you ever knew about vampires, and that you ever saw me. All that happened the night we met at Cannon Capital,” he continued, waving his fingers in front of Jordan’s eyes, “is that Guillermo, your once-faithful assistant, quit his job when he learned that you were committing the financial crimes for which you have been indicted. You have no grounds for a lawsuit against him, and you never filed one.” He turned to Guillermo as Jordan closed his eyes and slumped between the twins. “Anything else?”

“No, I think that’s it,” said Guillermo, a little sadly.

“Cheer up, Guillermo! This is a good thing!”

“Yeah, I guess. What happens now?”

Nandor addressed the twins. “Thanks for the help, guys. You can do whatever you want with these men, but the lady lawyer comes with us.” He added, “Oh, and whatever you do with them, make sure it takes at least 20 minutes.” He turned to the door, cloak swirling, followed by Guillermo and Lisa. “Make it 25. See you at the next orgy!”

The twin in the paisley shirt said, “Cool. You’re a legend! Thanks, man!” Out of the corner of his eye, Guillermo saw one of the vampires lifting one of the lawyers up off the floor.

As Guillermo carefully closed the conference room door after Nandor and Lisa Leemer, she spoke for the first time since she had admonished Jordan. Her voice was small and shaky. “What will they do to those men? Will they kill them?”

“Not all of them. Probably,” said Nandor.

She seemed on the verge of tears, but she didn’t try to run. “Are you going to kill me, too?”

“Not today,” said Guillermo as Nandor raised his right hand.

--------

They watched Lisa Leemer from outside the door of the law office as she made her way to the end of the long hall and entered the elevator. Then Nandor, with a sudden grin, grabbed Guillermo’s hand and dragged him into the men’s room off the hallway.

“What are you doing, Nandor? I don’t have to go. We should get out of here.”

Nandor gestured around the bathroom, which was a typical office building facility with sinks, a bank of urinals, and two stalls, one of which was the accessible type. “We need to celebrate our victory!” He grinned, “Anyone could walk in here at any time, Guillermo.” He waggled his eyebrows. “Semi-public. And we have at least 20 minutes.”

Guillermo didn’t hesitate. “Okay,” he said, opening the door to the accessible stall, which was larger than the other one. “Let’s hurry then.” He turned and pulled Nandor in after him.

Guillermo dropped his pile of file folders onto the floor of the stall. Nandor grabbed him and pushed him up against the wall, kissing him fiercely. Then he dropped to his knees, opened Guillermo’s fly, and pulled his pants down, releasing his already hard cock. He sucked it into his mouth eagerly.

“Whoa!” hissed Guillermo. “Careful ouch teeth teeth teeth!”

Nandor pulled Guillermo’s dick out of his mouth with a small pop and looked up at him irritably. “You say this every time, Guillermo! And have I ever punctured your penis?”

“No.” Guillermo looked down at Nandor kneeling on the tile floor, one hand holding Guillermo’s erection, his cloak spread out around him, angry eyes meeting his own. He looked hot as fuck. “No, never.”

“No. Because I know what I am doing! Now pull my hair.” He took Guillermo back into his mouth decisively. Guillermo did as he was told, winding his fingers in dark brown silk and pulling hard, because pulling Nandor’s hair was one of his very favorite things. Nandor hummed around Guillermo’s cock with satisfaction, sucking hard and licking his tongue up the shaft at the same time – which Guillermo wasn't sure he could do. He couldn't wait to try it. One of Nandor's hands caressed Guillermo’s balls, and the other snaked between his legs and up, ghosting over the skin of his ass. Guillermo spread his legs a little wider. He felt two fingers slide gently into him and begin to stroke in just the right spot. His eyes rolled up into his head, his knees went weak, and he started to sink down, but Nandor held him up. He felt his climax coming quickly, fueled by adrenaline and desire. It felt so fucking good that he couldn’t speak, could barely breathe. He jerked harder on Nandor’s hair by way of warning, seconds before he ejaculated violently into Nandor’s mouth. He moaned, thrusting a few times as Nandor continued to caress him from the inside, coaxing his orgasm to continue until he could no longer stand it and he pushed Nandor’s head away from him, gasping.

Nandor let him go, pulling his fingers out and letting his cock drop from between his lips. He turned and spit Guillermo’s ejaculate into the toilet – not very sexy, but necessary for a vampire. Then he stood and helped Guillermo rearrange his clothing. He wrapped his arms around him, kissing him passionately once more. Guillermo could taste himself on Nandor’s tongue. “Okay,” he whispered in Guillermo’s ear. “Now we can get out of here.”

-----

As they approached the security checkpoint they observed a dramatic tableau. One of the three security guards was asleep at the table with his head resting on his arms. Another was flat on his back on the floor, snoring loudly. The third was still awake, but he was swaying on his feet and about to drop. Leaning casually against one post of the metal detector was Colin Robinson, holding a briefcase and concluding what had evidently been a very long lecture.  He was saying, “Of course, it was two German scientists, working out of Leipzig, who installed the very first security screening metal detectors, as you probably know, in 1929. But they didn’t see widespread usage in the United States until 1972, due to a wave of airline hijackings… Oh, hey guys!”

Guillermo went straight to the desk behind the detector arch. As he located his weapons and hurriedly began to load them into his pockets he asked, “How did it go, Colin?”

As the last of the three guards slid to the floor, landing in a sitting position with his head leaning against the side of the metal detector, Colin answered, “Jim Dandy! I found the file room, no problem, and took all the files related to you or to Jordan Smith. And then I found the server room and erased the security tapes and all their servers.”

Guillermo looked surprised as he dropped his brass knuckles into his inside breast pocket. “Really? All of them?”

Colin Robinson shrugged. “I figured, what the heck. Better safe than sorry.” Nandor handed Colin the pile of file folders, which he slid into the open top of his briefcase. It was now very late in the evening and there was no one else in the lobby. Guillermo slipped the last knife into the sheath attached to the back of his belt and said, “Okay, let’s go.” The three of them started across the lobby toward the front doors, Guillermo walking between Nandor and Colin Robinson.

As they neared the doors, Nandor turned and looked down at Guillermo. He said, “I would be very cute. And fluffy…”

Colin Robinson said, “What’re we talkin’ about?”

“NO!” said Guillermo.

The End