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It's chilly today. No snow, thankfully. I walk through the frigid streets of the town, taking the backstreets and alleys. I don't want anyone seeing me at out at this time. I especially don't want anyone to follow.
While I walk through the residential blocks, I put my hood up, looking down. I don't really need to see where I'm going - I've been this way dozens of times. I know where I'm headed.
I arrive to her apartment building. I punch the door code in. It's muscle memory at this point, I don't even need to think of the numbers anymore.
I let my hood down after I close the door behind me. I take a moment to breathe as I stand against the door. I look out the window beside me. No-one's there. Good.
Now... I wonder what Marina wants me for today. When she asked, she seemed a little... excited? More than normal. It's probably not the usual for me, then. Wonder what it is?
I start up the stairwell - four flights. Ugh. Why does she have to live on the top floor?
Oof. I hate stairs. I sit on the stairwell's balcony right below Marina's apartment. It's cold and rough. My legs ache.
I stare at the concrete of the wall in front of me. I focus on slowing my breathing, waiting for the aching to subside.
In... Out... In... Out... In... Out...
That's it... feeling better now. Damn, I should really stop smoking. I get up from the cold concrete floor. Another few steps and I'll see Marina.
I knock on the door four times in rapid succession - after a few seconds, I knock a fifth time. It's our little thing. She knows it'll be me.
I hear shuffling behind the door. Footsteps approach - it's Marina's. I've heard it enough to recognise hers.
The door opens.
Hey Marina.
...Hey Ira.
Sorry, I just woke up from a nap.
Anyway, what are you doing here? I thought I gave you enough for two weeks...
It's only been a week, hasn't it...?
You haven't been taking too many, right?
Oh, no, it's not that.
You invited me the day before yesterday, remember?
Did I? Sorry, it's kind of hard to remember with, you know...
Ohhh- yes, I did. Sorry.
It's fine. I get it too, sometimes.
Anyway, it wouldn't do to keep you outside, right? Stairs and all... you should smoke less.
Yeah...
Marina takes me to her kitchen. The smell of black tea lingers in the air. I like it. Not as good as coffee, though. She flicks the switch, the light begins to buzz.
Ran out of coffee, sorry. Lev'll kill me if I use some of his.
Want some tea instead? Black, like usual.
Sure, I guess.
You want sugar, right?
Yeah, you know me.
Right. I'll put a few cubes in.
Anything else? I still have some cardamom left, I think... there might be roses, too.
I really need to go to the store this weekend...
Roses?
Yeah, roses. Never had tea with roses in it before?
It's like... kinda sweet but also a little sour. Something like peppermint, I guess? Not as sour as that, though.
You'd probably like it.
Yeah, sure, why not.
...Sorry, can you take the tea and stuff down from the cabinet?
Still need to wake up.
I'll set the kettle in the meantime.
Of course.
I drag over a chair from the dining table. They're on the higher shelves - even I'm not tall enough to reach up there. I hold myself steady on the back of the chair as I step onto it.
I search through a few boxes and labelled jars. Nothing here or there. Ah- there they are. They're all in jars, so I set them on the counter carefully. Marina sets the kettle on the stove below me. It whistles quietly.
Need help getting down? It looks a little wobbly.
Nope, I've got it.
I hop off the chair. Simple.
See? I'm fine.
Mhm...
It'll take a minute for the water to boil...
Wanna sit at the dining table?
Yeah.
We both take our seats at the nearby dining table. Marina sits, her back facing the window. Outside, I notice it's starting to get dark. It's winter, nothing unusual. I like it, anyway.
I take my seat across from Marina.
So... anything you wanna talk about?
Hm... not a lot of new things are happening at school I guess? But, you know, I really only show up to Russian. It's pretty easy, anyway...
Oh- there's, um, this girl in the same class. She was one of Tosya's friends, I think. I'm bad with names.
...Asya?
What's she look like? Her name sounds familiar.
Short. Brown hair. Doesn't talk much, likes staring out the window.
Oh, I have some classes with her, I think.
Yeah. Anyway, Vadim has a real liking to her for whatever reason. He's been pissing me off so much lately.
Him and his goons have grown cockier, too. They don't even listen to me whenever I tell them to shut up anymore.
You've probably heard, but I've had to actually attack that bastard.
He really can't just shut up, and I don't want to see--much less hear that little f-- ugh.
Anyway... I've talked to Asya a few times afterwards. She's nice, though she's kinda like a stray cat, you know?
She's kinda... all over me whenever I see her.
...Don't tell her I said that.
Oooh- was that a blush I saw? Looks like someone's in love~
Definitely not.
Do you really think I would tell you if I were in love?
You'd never let me hear the end of it.
Hm... that's true.
You'd just elope with her before anyone found out.
Not that either!
Haha, relaaax.
I'm just messing with ya.
I don't like it.
Ow- don't kick me!
Heh.
Oh, sounds like the kettle's ready.
Give me a minute.
The chair screeches on the floor as Marina gets up. She takes the lid off the kettle, dropping in a big pinch of black tea leaves, a few dried roses, a tiny pinch of ground cardamom, and a handful of sugar cubes.
The kitchen smells even more like tea, now. Even the little cardamom Marina put in the tea wafts over. It smells earthy. It's nice. Marina comes back.
Say, you wanna stay over tonight?
I've got nothing better to do.
I can probably stay for a while. I usually come home late, anyway.
I don't think I can stay the entire night, though.
My parents would probably think I'm missing.
They don't think I have any friends, so...
Right... parent stuff.
What time do you usually go home anyhow?
Like... midnight?
Do you fuck around at the garages all day or what?
Not just the garages.
...And the institute?
...Yeah.
Anything wrong with that, though?
Not really...
All I'm saying is that you should take me sometime.
What do you even do whenever you go there, anyway?
Drink. Smoke. Be lonely.
Drink... what?
Coffee. I'm normal.
Oh.
I do the same at home. You should drink tea instead, it's wayyy better for when you're down.
Besides - you should totally take me next time you do that.
We can be sad and mope together!
Actually... do you even schedule your being sad sessions or do you just do it whenever?
Eh... it's kinda whenever. But if you can catch me then, you can stay.
On another note - the tea should be ready by now, right?
Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. Let me get it.
Can you get the cups?
Sure.
Marina and I get up from the dining table. She takes the kettle off the lit part of the stove, turning it off.
I go over to a cabinet in the corner, where all the teacups are. I'm tall enough to take them down, this time.
We don't need a teapot, do we?
No, we can just use the kettle.
It'll just be extra dishes to wash if we do.
I being down two teacups. One for me, one for Marina. She pours the tea into both. I wait for the tea leaves and whatnot to settle on the bottom before taking a sip.
It's very sweet. There's the earthy sweetness of the cardamom... the flowery sweetness of the rose... and the sugar's sweetness.
Not what I'd usually like... but it's good. Very good.
I might have overdone it with the sugar...
My teeth are gonna hate me...
What's that expression? Ya like it?
It's good.
Man... now that I'm thinking, I should've gotten some tea-biscuits too.
I dont think I've gotten anything we can eat... hm.
Do you know how to bake? We could probably make something.
Eh, I've only cooked. But it's close enough, right?
Yeah, that's good enough. Let's see...
Marina's teacup clinks on the countertop as she puts it down. She begins looking through the kitchen cabinets. I wait for her, drinking the rest of my tea in the meantime.
I wonder what we'll do later? I'll probably be getting home at the same time as usual, so we've got a while - a few hours at the very least. Baking something won't take that long, so...
Once Marina's done, a bunch of jars and boxes and bags are scattered across the counters. She waves her hand across the kitchen.
We've got some ingredients left. It's good enough for something yummy.
Can't make a medovik though... don't have any cream or milk, haha. Sorry.
Off the top of my head - I've got a recipe somewhere for like, a sponge cake. We can do that with vanilla and honey, how's it sound?
That's sounds good. Your baking's my favourite, anyway...
Awww... thanks.
...Beside's the cafe's.
You're so mean to me...
You have to admit it's good though.
Yeah...
Anyway, no sense in getting hungry now, right? Wanna start?
Better now than later, yeah?
Let me get the mixing bowls and everything out...
You can get the ingredients ready. We just need some flour, eggs, and sugar right now... we can do the rest after we start the batter.
Alright.
Marina begins scouring the cabinets for bowls, measuring cups, and a tiny notebook. Looks like she's awake now - awake enough to boss me around like usual.
I hear Marina hum something quietly. I don't know what it is... but it sounds familiar. It's tranqil background noise, at least.
I, uh, need to check the recipe book. We'll be doing half of the recipe since it's just the two of us... hopefully there'll be some left for Lev, too...
Now, let's see... page ten...
Marina intently scans her little recipe book. I move over beside her - peering over her shoulder at the book in her hands. It's written in her neat handwriting--elegant, if a bit hasty.
...If you're wondering, this is just a normal sponge cake recipe. I kinda just add however much honey or whatever when I make it.
You can just do that?
Yep! - only with certain ingredients, though.
If you add more... flour or something, you'd need to add more eggs and water or whatever to balance that. But stuff like vanilla extract's usually fine to add however much you want.
Well... within reason, obviously.
Anyway... we need two eggs' whites. Ah- you know how to separate egg yolks, right?
Uhh... no. Never needed to.
You just need to crack an egg over a sieve or fork or something. It'll catch the yolk.
We only need the whites, so you can give them to me once you're done.
But try to keep the yolk intact, yeah? I could use them later.
I'll start the rest.
Sure.
The job's pretty easy. It's nothing too repetitive. Only a few taps on the counter and into the seive the eggs go.
Marina takes the bowl of egg whites from me, she's already mixed in the flour and sugar. She starts whisking.
Care to get the honey and vanilla extract for me? Please?
I'm a little busy... as you can probably see.
Mhm- of course.
Uh, where...? Oh, nevermind.
Here.
Thanks.
Want a turn?
Turn on...?
Mixing the batter, duh.
Oh, sure, then.
Alright... here ya go. I need to measure the rest of the stuff...
Marina and I switch places. The batter strains against the whisk as I mix.
Sooo... how long have you been baking?
Oh, I've been doing it since I was like... eight?
So that's like, seven years or something.
Huh, was your baking always this good, or...?
Umm... not always. I might have almost set the kitchen on fire once...
But I got better at it!
I'm not gonna set you on fire, I promise.
Hey- stop mixing for a sec, gotta put the honey in.
...Anyway, it's taken a while for me to get better at baking.
You live and you learn, ya know?
...I see.
Hey- stop again, vanilla extract now...
Oh- it smells nice.
Yeah, it does.
...Wanna have a taste?
Oh- uh, ...sure?
Mhm! Here ya go.
Hm... the batter looks good enough, you can take a break.
She hands me a small spoon, with a little vanilla extract in it. It smells very sweet. Marina's acting a little weird... nothing's wrong with it, surely? I bring the spoon to my mouth, and take a sip.
The taste hits me. It's vile, there are no other words for it. I double over and retch. I hear Marina burst out laughing.
W-what the hell? What was that?
Marina, you...!
Pfft- idiot! You fell for it!
I'm going to kill you for that.
Uh huh. We both know you could never do that.
Ugh. Whatever. I need a cigarette. It tastes like shit.
Like a cigarette tastes any better.
Shut up. Can I go to the balcony?
Yeah, sure. I'll come in a bit.
Grab your jacket, too. It's pretty cold out.
That's fine. I'll be going, then. To the balcony. Bye.
The door to the balcony slides open. A gust of frigid wind ruffles my hair. I close the door.
I take out my cigarettes and matches. I place a cigarette in my mouth, strike a match, light it. I've done this a hundred times by now. The taste of tobacco floods my mouth. That's better.
I flick the match into the snow below. I watch as the flame gleams as it falls... until it gutters out in the snow.
I puff on my cigarette, leaning on the balcony's railing. I stare out across the boundless horizon. The town stretches far... then there's the chain-link fence, and then the rest of our country.
Staring far out like this makes me feel... small. I'm nothing compared to the world, am I? I'm like an insect compared to the mountains - even if they're that far...
They look pretty, though, as they rise high, coated with snow in the distance. I count the peaks, as they are against the night sky... I can make out about three of them.
As I look over the horizon... it looks like it's gonna rain, judging by the gathering clouds. Doesn't seem cold enough for snow.
Marina steps out to the balcony, behind me.
Cake's in the oven. Thanks for your help by the way...
Uh huh.
Hey~ lighten up a bit. It was kinda funny...
To you, maybe... but it's whatever now, I guess.
Well... gonna rain soon, huh?
I guess so. It'll be nice, though. Better than the snow.
Better than the snow? Snow's the best, though.
Yeah, but you gotta shovel it, don't you?
Oh... yeah, that's true.
It looks pretty when it falls, though.
...Yeah.
Hey, mind if I take a drag?
You can take the rest of the cig, I've got some more to spare.
No thanks, just a little will do.
Why not the whole thing?
I wanna smoke, buuut I don't wanna destroy my lungs.
That's boring.
Smoking wouldn't be the same without the lung damage.
Yeah, but look at you. Can't climb a few flights of stairs without needing to catch your breath.
...Sounds like the cig's all mine then, hm?
Hey, I wasn't making fun of you!
Ha. I'm kidding, here.
I take another puff before handing the cigarette to Marina. She takes it from between my fingers.
So... what do you wanna do later?
I mean... we've got tea and cake - we gotta do something special, right?
Oh? I thought you already decided on something?
Nope! I have no idea.
...Do you have anything we can watch? A movie or something?
I mean... I can go check my room. I should have some, I think?
Here's your cig, by the way.
Thanks.
We linger on the balcony for a while longer. A cold breeze ruffles my hair. Marina stands beside me as I smoke, looking across the town.
A drop of rain lands on my hand.
Oh, the rain's starting.
I'm not gonna stay out here. I'll go back in, don't wanna get wet.
...I'll stay out here for a bit longer.
'kay. Make sure you don't get pneumonia, though. That wouldn't be fun.
The balcony's door opens, and closes again. A light drizzle begins. I exhale, slumping over the railing.
You know, rain isn't so bad. Everyone calls it bad weather, but... it's pleasant, isn't it? The pattering of rain on the rooftops... the dark, cloudy sky... it's calm.
Maybe it's just who I am. After all, I don't exactly... fit in, do I? I take another drag.
Though it is... melancholic, I guess. The grey brick buildings of the town are all the more drab under the looming clouds.
I look up towards the sky. Raindrops pelt me in the face. Oh, right... my cigarette's wet. I toss it over the balcony, into the snow. Not like there was much left, anyway.
...I think I can see the stars in the sky, in certain spots. They're so far from the earth, aren't they? and still, we can see them. They hang overhead, glimmering like falling snow.
I wonder which constellations are in the sky tonight... maybe Asya knows? I should ask her, sometime. Not on a night like this, though... but I wouldn't mind.
I'm all wet, now. I wipe my face with the sleeve of my jacket. The rain has gotten a tiny bit heavier. I'll go back inside - don't wanna be out here if a storm comes along.
Marina's in her room. I'll see what she's up to. It can't take that long to find a tape or a few, can it?
Oh- sorry, I didn't see you come in. I-I'm sorry for the mess.
Eh. You should see my room, it's worse.
Marina stands on the other side of the room, searching through her shelves and her desk. It's not like those are very messy - I can tell she regularly tidies them. But the floor...
Pill-bottles are strewn, left discarded upon the ground. Most are empty, but I spot some that still have a few pills in them. I kick a few bottles away. They rattle.
I shuffle through the pill-bottles. I suddenly stop, staring down at them. A realisation suddenly strikes me. My head spins. I feel a pit in my stomach. My breathing shortens. It's happening again.
I'll end up like this one day, won't I? I'm already taking these every day, and I'll continue until the day I die.
Yes... that doesn't sound like living, does it? drowning in an endless sea of pill-bottles?
Even so, without them... I can't function, not like everyone else. There isn't an escape, is there? Besides death - but living feels worse than that anyway, doesn't it?
Soon enough, everything in me will just be emptied out, like a bottle of pills. Then I'll be discarded, like a bottle of pills. I'll be left... pills outside a bottle of pills.
Myself outside of me.
Hey, you okay? You...? Oh!--
...Ah- right. I forgot about her.
You know... Marina's right. Maybe I should be more like her. Her attitude about all this.
She knows it'll end soon, doesn't she? But she still holds out hope for a better conclusion. Admirable.
Despite it all, she's happy. She's fulfilled. All her friends are not just to flaunt... but to fill her hours with happiness, emotion. Aren't they?
Oh... I know.
Asya.... I can't just leave her, not to fend for herself, can I?
I was like her, once. Alone, wishing for someone else to know me - to really, truly understand me. But my voice could never penetrate the wall. I can't just leave someone else to go through the same, can I?
I won't let myself die like this - wallowing in all the sorrow, hollowed out. I've gotta see Asya through. Eventually there'll be an end for me... but I'll be with her until the end.
Even if I have to keep taking the pills... I'll keep going. Asya needs me, doesn't she?
...And I need her, too.
...Something soft is touching my neck. Marina's checking my pulse. I stare up at her, breathing shakily. I try to control my breaths, slowly.
Marina stares down at me, concerned. I'm lying on her bed. The blanket's been pulled over me, she's put my head on her lap... ugh, seriously?
But I'm too tired to get up. I'll just... lay here. I can't really do much else. I feel... tingly? that's just cause I'm getting warm, though, isn't it?
Hey - are you feeling better? It's one of those... um, attacks, right?
I... it's nothing. I'm fine.
I saw you looking at the pills. It's because of that, isn't it?
I-I can go clean them if you don't wanna look--
You don't need to.
I-I'll be okay... just stay with me. Please.
Yeah, I'm not leaving you anytime soon. Relax.
But... I get what you're thinking. The pills...
I know it's a lot, but... there's nothing else we can do, can we?
They just stave off the end. But there isn't a beginning without an ending, right?
We gotta fight for happiness... but it's a fight worth fighting for. Make sure the ending to our stories are satisfying, yeah?
You don't wanna die a loser, do ya?
...Yeah. I don't.
Feeling better now?
I feel... exhausted. But thank you, it helps.
You stay as long as you need, then. I won't make you get up too much.
Anyway... do you wanna guess where my tapes are?
They're not on the shelf. They're supposed to be there.
Have you checked under your bed?
Sometimes I forget about any stuff that I've put under there.
...Doesn't hurt to check, I guess. Hey, I might've forgotten too.
Sorry, let me just... move past you.
Oh- sorry.
I slightly tilt myself up, enough so that Marina can hop off the bed. I crash onto her pillow, gazing up at the ceiling.
By the way, has anyone told you you're cold as hell?
I don't think it's even cause you've been outside... you're just like that.
I thought I was gonna freeze while you were on my lap.
...Just get the tapes.
Marina shuffles through her piles of pill-bottles. She searches around under her bed.
Ah! - there they are.
Looks like you were right.
...Oh, they're mostly unlabelled. Um... it looks like there's only one with anything on it.
I must have forgotten I lent a bunch to my friends, then... sorry.
I'll just leave them on my desk.
Marina sets a handful of tapes at her desk.
I shift over towards the other side of the bed to make room for Marina. She sits beside me, on the bed.
Not talkative right now, huh...?
...Have you ever looked at your ceiling? When your lamp's on?
Umm... not usually. Why?
It's... the lampshade, I think. It casts a weird shadow on the ceiling.
It makes it look like there's... fireflies. It's pretty.
Marina kicks her feet up onto the bed, lying down beside me for a better view. Shapes swim on the ceiling, flitting and dancing. The lamp continues to buzz.
...Oh, yeah. It does.
We both lay beside one another for a while. It's a little cramped - but it's cosy. She's warm.
Um, do you still want to watch a movie? The TV's in the living room, so...
I sit up, slowly. It feels like a fever dream, I think? I feel strange, yet nostalgic for... something I can't quite place. Regardless, some more time with Marina sounds nice.
Yeah. Let's go.
...Do you want me to help you walk?
I'll manage.
I stumble across the apartment. A blanket is draped over my shoulders, dragging across the floor. Marina walks beside me, "just in case," she's said.
I collapse on the couch, wrapping the blanket around me. The rain seems to get louder, pattering on the window behind me.
I'll go get the snacks, 'kay? Don't fall asleep!
Wasn't planning on it.
Marina goes off to the kitchen on the other side of the room. She removes the cake from the oven, plating it, then she pours another two cups of tea.
She brings everything to the coffee table in front of the couch.
So, um... the only tape I have is just "Swan Lake", is that fine?
Normally, I'd say no, but...
It's alright.
Marina inserts the tape into the VHS player, turning on the TV. Once it's done, she runs over and jumps onto the couch beside me.
The TV's light is cast across the living room. Marina gets a little more comfortable beside me. She unwraps my blanket a little, covering herself with it, too. I take my hands out from under the blanket, adjusting the blanket for the both of us.
Once I'm done, I take a piece of our cake. It's pretty good! Soft and sweet. Yummy.
The tea is still... okay. It's lukewarm, still sweet. It warms me up a bit, at least.
After a few minutes, I lean my head on Marina's shoulder. She's unfazed, still staring at the screen. She adjusts the blanket so it covers us from shoulder-to-shoulder.
Time passes us by. The raindrops tap rhythmically on the window, as though they were playing music. Marina snores beside me. The TV is still on, crackling with static.
I feel... warm, happy. I'm content, is that what it is? I don't know what to say... but thank you. This moment should be remembered, shouldn't it?
Yes... it should. I wrap my arms around Marina, burying my face in her hair. I feel a tear leave my eye... it doesn't matter. Even if you won't remember this, I will.
Thank you for everything, Marina.