Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Of squirrels and hazelnuts
“I promise that even if you grow very tall, I will continue to carry you so that you can reach the hazelnuts in the trees.”
The Koçari family's living room is filled with silence.
An uncomfortable, ancient, thick silence.
It was a joke, a joke in poor taste.
But the great lady Sirin Fortuna did not seem to hesitate. At her side, Zarife, with her judicious and malicious gaze, remained silent, watching her mother-in-law, yet not a single word came out of her mouth.
I looked at Oruc, who seemed both saddened and surprised, as if all this were new to him.
I didn't want to look at Iso; I refused to look at his face one more time.
But after hearing him flatly reject the agreement of his own blood, my eyes stopped on him, unable to stop them, as if it were a reflection of my own body.
“No! Grandmother, please correct this madness,” he said in a decisive voice, as if it were the worst idea in the world.
An ironic smile escaped my lips, and I rose from my seat as if my skin were itching.
I held the coffee tray in my hands and approached little Furtuna without taking my eyes off him.
But seeing his beautiful blue eyes, a blue lighter than the waterfalls of the Kocari mountains, enraged me to the point of wanting to spit.
I had once fallen for those same eyes that were now staring at me so intensely, as if I were a Russian doll that he wanted to take apart piece by piece.
“Well, since you want me as a girlfriend for the Furtuna family, I'll serve the coffee,” I replied ironically, which seemed to get on Iso's nerves.
He looked away from me as he always did, and that bothered me more than I wanted to admit.
“Take it,” I ordered, forcing him to look back at me.
“Only if I were dead would I drink this coffee,” he replied slowly and clearly, as if he wanted to make it clear that he would never go out with someone like me.
A little Kocari mafiosa, in his words.
Suddenly, the memory of everything he had said about me in those past messages made my blood boil, and I slammed the cups down on the table.
He had mocked me, my last name, and worst of all, he had done it with the aim of hurting the most precious thing I had in this world, my brother.
“Well, what do you say, my dear Fadime? Would you accept this marriage?” my brother asked with an obvious smile, and I scoffed at the idea.
“Only dead would I enter the Furtuna mansion as a bride,” I declared, and Iso clenched his jaw as he listened to everyone laugh.
“You've heard my precious sister. If you don't have any more crazy ideas, I'll show you the door,” Adil said, rising from his seat.
Mrs. Sirin gritted her teeth as if she wanted to appeal the idea, but Zarife took her by the arm and led her to the exit before she could say another word.
Oruc followed them at a slower pace, wanting to capture Eleni's image in his eyes, but she only looked at the ground.
I felt proud of her and went straight to take her hand firmly.
Iso put his hands in his pants pockets. He hadn't taken a step forward; he was just watching me out of the corner of his eye, without turning his face.
But I didn't take my eyes off him, even though every time I did, a bitter feeling spilled down my throat and made my eyes water. Even so, I never avoided his gaze. I wanted to force myself to look at him, no matter how painful it was, because someday it would no longer cause any reaction in me.
Eleni squeezed my hand affectionately and I looked away. She had raised her eyebrows questioningly, as if she was beginning to detect something strange in me.
I looked away from her and let go of her hand.
The Fortunas had left, leaving me with a knot in my head.
Gezep held my head with one arm, laughing.
“And they believe me, the crazy one, huh?” he declared, patting me on the back.
“Don't worry, Fadime, get that nonsense out of your head. We would never let a Furtuna touch a single hair on your head,” Adil's voice made me feel a certain remorse.
I had let his hands touch me of my own free will five years ago, when I believed blindly in him. My teeth gritted with anger, and I left the room without saying anything to anyone.
I needed some time alone, away from everyone, maybe grazing some goats and picking blackberries in the forest while my anger dissipated.
I had lost track of time when I began to notice the sunset on the mountain. My feet were starting to hurt and my tongue was sore from eating so many blackberries along the way. Even so, when I arrived at the old cabin, I stopped in surprise. It was as if my own body had led me to that place.
It had been months since I had returned to a place I wanted to burn to the ground, but just as I stopped at the entrance, my eyes instinctively filled with tears.
I lifted the doormat to find the key and open the door. Apparently, the owner still left it in the same place. When I entered the cabin, I noticed that some maintenance had been done.
The armchairs looked new, and the wooden floor was spotless. I took off my boots so as not to dirty the floor with mud and continued walking to the bedroom at the back.
The bed next to the window had clean sheets and a soft wool blanket. I ran my fingers over it, and a urge to curl up in it took hold of me.
I hesitated for a moment. My pants were covered in dirt stains and my sweater had pine-scented twigs from the forest on it. I didn't want to stain such a beautiful bed.
So I decided to throw the wool blanket on the floor and lie down. I pressed my nose against the fabric and inhaled deeply the scent that came from it. It was strange, it seemed somehow familiar because instantly a comforting feeling took hold of me.
I closed my eyes out of habit until I fell into a deep sleep.
Five years ago:
“You always have this bad habit of falling asleep whenever we're together,” I smiled out of habit without opening my eyes. I had nestled my head in his lap and his hands gently stroked my hair, making little braids that he would then undo and redo.
“Shut up and let me sleep,” I said, and I heard him laugh in the background. It was early spring, and it was bitterly cold, even though the fire was burning in the fireplace.
“I forget that Fadime Kocari is always in charge here,” he said, pushing my braids aside to plant a quick kiss on my cheek.
“That's right, little Furtuna, you'd better get used to it,” I replied, opening my eyes so I could see him better.
He was wearing his high school uniform and a thick black sweatshirt, and his blond hair was neatly trimmed.
“You don't see me complaining,” he said with a small smile as he covered me with an old blanket. “You're shivering.”
“Of course not, you forget who lives in the mountains,” I assured him, pushing the blanket aside.
“Like a goat,” he said mockingly, and I opened my mouth in indignation.
“You didn't just say what I heard. Come here, I'll show you what a mountain goat can do,” I emphasized as I got out of bed and quickly looked for the pillow.
Iso ran away from me, laughing.
“No, Fadime, stop it,” he said between laughs as I chased him around the cabin with a dusty pillow.
“You should have thought about that before. Nobody messes with a Kocari and gets away unscathed,” I exclaimed, hitting him hard on the back with the pillow. He just covered himself with both hands.
“I forgot that your family is crazy as goats,” he said, laughing as he moved away from me.
“Son of a ***, come here, you'll pay for this. Consider yourself dead,”
“Enough, Fadime, stop acting like a Kocari,” he said, unable to stop laughing and continuing to run away from me.
“And you stop acting like a coward, Furtuna. Come here.”
“Only if you promise not to hit me with that pillow anymore,” he asked, stopping behind a step to catch his breath.
“Done,” I replied as believably as possible, and he narrowed his eyes as if he doubted me. “It's done. You can't not trust my word,” I said, throwing the pillow into a corner, and he seemed to believe me.
But just before I could jump on his back, he grabbed my hands.
“See, never trust a Kocari,” he said with a triumphant smile, giving me a quick kiss, and just before he walked away, I bit him hard. “Fadime, you're crazy,” he said, then held his lip carefully.
I put my hands on my stomach from the pain I felt from laughing so hard.
“Come on, little Furtuna, don't be such a crybaby,” I said with a slight smile, extending my arms for him to take.
Without hesitation, he approached and took my hands, and something warm spread through my chest. Iso was different from all the Furtunas I knew.
He was a noble person who had no evil or dark secrets like his family.
I had seen him buying breakfast for his friends who didn't bring anything to school and talking to all the workers on his tea plantation. He tied my shoelaces when I broke my arm and loved his brother as much as I loved mine.
Sometimes I felt like I should be protecting him instead of him protecting me.
Because I was a silly, naive goat, even though he looked like a huge bear next to me.
“Iso, do you think I'll be taller in the future?” I asked as he hugged me, resting his head on my neck even though he had to bend down as far as he could.
“I'm sure I will, but I wouldn't mind continuing to carry you so you can reach the hazelnuts in the trees and fight with the squirrels,” he said with a slight smile at the end.
“That's because you're afraid of squirrels, even though I'm sure squirrels should be afraid of you,” I said without letting go of him. All the fears I had about his family and my family seemed insignificant when I was by his side.
“Are you nervous?” he asked, stroking my back gently.
"Aren't you? In a few months, you'll finish high school and your mother wants to send you to study in Istanbul. Also, my brother will never let me go out again if he finds out I'm dating you. It's as if time is running out," I blurted out as if I were holding my breath, and treacherous tears escaped from my eyes.
Iso released her arms from my grip and crouched down so she was right in front of me, her large hands gently cradling my face and wiping away my tears.
“Fadime, listen, we're not running out of time. We'll find a way out. I'll fight my mother's decision to send me away to study, and I'll keep taking care of you until you want me to talk to your brother. Everything will be fine,” he promised softly as he held me in his arms.
“Do you promise?” I asked with a certain excitement, like little children waiting for Santa Claus at Christmas.
“What do you want me to promise?”
“That you'll keep carrying me to reach the acorns forever,” I replied, trying to dispel the fog of vulnerability that was so unlike me. Iso smiled and kissed my forehead hard.
I hid my face in his chest and he hugged me tightly.
“It's a promise. No matter how tall you grow, I will always carry you to reach the hazelnuts in the trees, my Fadime.”
The sound of thunder woke me from my dream with my heart pounding and my chest almost bursting.
I let out a sigh and inhaled deeply, trying to get as much air as possible into my lungs. I put my hand on my chest and patted it gently, trying to calm myself down.
I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, trying to return to reality and forget any memories that had turned into a nightmare.
I brought my hands to my face, trying to calm myself, but I opened my eyes in surprise. I had dry tears on my cheeks, and perhaps worst of all, I was no longer sleeping on the cold floor, but in a comfortable bed.
How had I gotten there?