Chapter Text
It should be illegal to bill someone this much in medical bills, Buck thinks to himself as he stares down at the paper in front of him. The medical/insurance system in the US sucks shit, that’s for sure. Even when he’s lucky enough to have firefighter’s insurance.
He knew before ripping the envelope that he was going to dread whatever it said inside. No envelope received from a hospital is good news, he’s sure of it. What possible good news could it read? Nothing, and this paper full of numbers far larger than he wishes were possible is just further proof.
At first glance he even thought he was misreading what it said, then when he realised he wasn’t, he figured it was a mistake. He’s never had a bill this big before.
Thankfully, most of his hospital visits after the bombing were covered by his work insurance, as well as his visit to the hospital after the tsunami. Hard to pin him at fault for a natural disaster. He still had to pay for some random bullshit here or there, but it was doable.
This, though, he doesn’t think is as doable. The letter clearly states that the insurance company deemed him responsible for the embolism and are refusing to cover the costs. And despite it not being as severe of an incident in his opinion, it was a costly trip to the hospital, apparently.
He disagrees strongly with the conclusion they came to, however. He followed every instruction the doctor gave, even if he hated doing so, just wanting to get back to work as soon as possible. But still, they claimed he pushed himself too much too fast, and didn’t seek medical help when symptoms first arose. The problem lies in him not knowing they were symptoms of a clot, because no one gave him a heads up to look for them.
Sighing, he tosses the paper onto the counter, frustrated.
He’s got some money in savings that he can put towards that, but he is going to have to cut down his costs of living if he is going to want to be able to keep making his payments. Especially given that the brass still hasn’t approved him to go back to active duty. Light duty doesn’t pay as nicely, and he’s not sure how long he can survive sticking around if that’s all he’ll be able to do.
Looks like he’s going to have to stick it out despite that, though, and keep sucking it up at this stupid desk job for the time being. The department really screwed him over, because ever since he was cleared to go back to active duty, he stopped receiving medical leave pay. Which left him with no other choice but to take a pay cut and a shitty demotion to keep himself afloat.
There’s been several emails and calls to the department, asking when they think he’ll be back to his real job, but they keep just directing him to talk to his captain, and his captain just keeps telling him that the brass isn’t approving him to be on active duty.
Buck really thinks they need to get their heads out of their asses and let him back soon. He passed his recertification, with flying colours even, and was medically cleared twice now. Before them embolism, and after. He doesn’t know how else to prove to them that he’s ready.
Really, all he wants is to be back with the team. Why can’t they let him?
He tries to make the best of things, he really does. Between treating handling a clipboard like it makes him all powerful, to trying and convincing himself that the work he’s doing as a fire marshall is important work, he’s really trying. But despite knowing that statement is technically true, it doesn’t help.
Worthless, is what he feels like as he watches his team work and easily replace him with somebody named Bobbo or something. He doesn’t care to learn what it actually is. He hates her enough to refuse to bother. It’s not her fault, but it’s easier to be pissed at someone he doesn’t know. Especially after he’d seen that her name taped is over his own.
How is that he’s the one who got hurt from a target that wasn’t even on his back, and he’s still the one paying the price?
It’s bullshit.
And he essentially says as much at dinner with Bobby when he was invited over. Only he found out that no matter what he did, it wouldn’t make a difference, because it was Bobby holding him back. Someone he thought had his back this whole time was really just secretly holding a knife to it.
That stung, the blade dull, doing more damage than it should have. For a moment he even thought he misheard what he said. Surely Bobby wouldn’t do that to him, right? He knows just how important this job is to him, so why would he intentionally do something to hurt him?
It’s clear that Buck misread everything about their relationship before. Bobby was just looking for an excuse not to have to deal with him anymore, using his injury as an excuse to keep him away. It’s unfair. He didn’t do anything wrong this time, so why is he still being left behind? Is he really that unlovable? Unlikeable even?
So, when he leaves he’s beyond pissed off, and without really thinking it through, he reaches out to the lawyer that contacted him earlier. If Bobby wasn’t going to do the right thing and let him back when he’s perfectly well enough to be back, then he’s going to have to face the consequences of his own actions.
But that does mean that while he’s suing the department, he can’t be working for them. Which decreases his income to zero, and adds the cost of lawyer’s bills on top of things. And as it turns out, he picked a pricey lawyer. That’s what happens when you don’t research before jumping into things.
Whatever, it is what it is. He’ll figure it out.
As it turns out, his auto-payments for his rent haven’t been going through for the last two payments, which he finds out in a very unhappy letter from his landlord. A letter that had been sitting on his counter for the last month unopened, because lately any letter has been bad news, and he didn’t feel like dealing with it.
Hiding from your problems is never the solution, he knows that, but he was scared, and it felt easier to pretend. Truth is, he feels like he’s still stuck in those tsunami waters being tossed and turned until he doesn’t know which way is up. It’s been a rough few months, and he’s just lost and doesn’t know what to do anymore.
This is why he needs his family back. They’d help keep him afloat. They’d walk alongside him so he stops getting so lost and confused. Instead, he’s left to navigate a world that feels like it’s warping all around him constantly, so that even if he finally feels like he’s figured it out, it warps again.
When he checks his bank account, he can see why the payments didn’t go through. Last month he was so busy with everything that he forgot to transfer money over to his chequing account in time, and just didn’t notice the bounced charge.
Now though, even despite the missed rent payments, his account is far more drained than he’s seen in a long time. His auto-payments that he set up for his medical bills have started, and his lawyer likes to be paid upfront along with a final charge after his work is done. He just didn’t realise how little he still had in his account when he agreed to that.
It’s fine. He still has some in savings. He’s not dead broke. If he can go back to work soon enough, it’ll be more than fine, he thinks. He has enough to pay last month’s rent and this one too technically. But he isn’t sure where he’s meant to go from there. The bills are going to keep coming, so he has to make sure he keeps enough for that, because despite being hopeful that he’ll be let back sooner than later, for the foreseeable future, he is out of a job.
He tries talking to his landlord to see if there’s any way he can have some leniency, but he wasn’t in a good mood and handed Buck an eviction notice right then and there. Buck wants to plead, but technically his landlord did already give him a warning to pay the rent or else this might happen. In fact, he was already lenient enough to give him the extra month it took him to open the damn envelope. He just wanted to see if he could have an even longer extension on that.
Unfortunately, things didn’t go his way. He understands though. This really was on him. All he knows how to do is screw everything up. It’s his specialty. It’s what being Buck means.
So, without anywhere to go, he packs up what fits in his Jeep and sells the rest. He can’t stay with anyone from the team, because well, he’s not allowed to talk to them until the lawsuit is settled. Which also knocks his sister off the list of potential places to go, because she does live with Chimney. And besides the 118, he’s got no one. Nearly three decades of living, and all he’s managed in terms of friends or loved ones are his coworkers.
It’s pathetic, he knows. It’s all the more reason he needs to be back with them though. He truly has no one else. If he left and went somewhere new to try a new job with new people, he knows they’d never care about him like his team does– did. He doesn’t know how he tricked the team into liking him once upon a time, but he did. He doesn’t think he could pull that off again. This is the first and only time he’s had a real family.
He needs that back, and that’s why he’s fighting so hard in whichever way he can to get there. It’d be impossible to convince them to stay in his life if they aren’t stuck with him for twenty-four hour shifts constantly.
It was already shown that if he doesn’t work with them that he doesn’t matter to them the same. At first, after the bombing, Buck had visitors so often that he almost grew sick of the company. Maybe they read that on him, because it wasn’t long before he’d go days without so much as a text. Maddie and Bobby would still check in frequently, but it dwindled from in person, to over the phone.
Eddie was different, he’d check in, but more subtly. Mostly he just kept Buck updated on things going on, telling him about Chris’ most recent endeavors. It was nice, welcome. Again, it was often over the phone. He missed having people in his space.
Even then, the time between texts and calls got further in between. Most of his time was spent alone, in pain, and scared. He thinks the loneliness just made the nightmares he’d get at the end of each day worse. They were mostly about the bombing or tsunami, usually ending worse. But– And he’d never admit this to someone who asked– he often dreamed that his family would look at how broken he is on the outside now, covered in scars and damages, and realise that it’s just an outward display of who he is inside.
He really doesn’t think he could handle losing them forever. If he doesn’t become a firefighter again, he will though. No way would they stick around if he was just some worthless nobody doing nothing good with his life. He isn’t enough on his own, never will be.
Legally, he could have stayed in the apartment until the official eviction date, but he feels like this is what he deserves. For what in specific, he isn’t sure. Just for being him maybe. It’s not like it’s the first time he’s lived in his Jeep, so he knows he’ll get by just fine, no matter how much it sucks to feel like he’s taking a huge leap back in life.
It’s only temporary, he tells himself. Once he’s back at work, he’ll easily be able to get a small place until he’s got his payments under control. Firefighters make pretty decent pay after all.
The first night in his Jeep he hardly sleeps. He forgot how nerve wracking it can be. Anyone could easily break in if they wanted. He feels so vulnerable and exposed. He did choose a quiet neighbourhood to park in, one that is known to be pretty safe and isn’t residential parking only. It doesn’t help much though.
What also doesn’t help much, is how uncomfortable it is to sleep inside. No matter how he situates himself, he can’t get fully comfortable. So much so that he can feel the ache in his recently injured leg get worse by each passing minute. It doesn’t help that without the car running, it gets quite cold inside. The cold, as he’s learned, makes the pain worse.
It’s fine, he’ll figure it out, he keeps telling himself.
“Hey, Buck, you busy?” Maddie asks over the phone. “I’ve missed you, we haven’t talked much lately.”
“Look, Mads, if you just want to continue telling me that I’m making a huge mistake with the lawsuit I don’t–”
It’s clear where she stands on the matter. Though, Buck is pretty sure she’s just terrified of him being hurt again. It’d be hard not to when she’s seen him in the hospital more than any sister should ever see their brother there. It’s fine though, most of those instances were his own doing, just wanting his parents to look at him. They never did go to the hospital with him, but they would dote on him a little after he got out which was quite nice.
“I’m not, I promise,” she assures. “I just wanted to talk, not about anything in particular, and maybe have lunch with my baby brother? I know you’ve been a little isolated lately, and I know how that affects you, so I wanted to just… be there for you.”
“I can make lunch work,” Buck agrees. Truth be told, he does miss his sister. He hasn’t seen her much lately. Between whatever it is that’s keeping her so busy, and Buck not wanting to come between her and Chimney, they haven’t been talking a whole lot.
“Perfect! I’ll text you the location. Meet at one-thirty?” She suggests, and Buck agrees before they say their goodbyes and end the call.
Obviously, he hasn’t told her about the whole being evicted thing, and he has no intentions on doing so. Once he’s in his new place in a few weeks, once he’s making money again, he’ll just act like he moved over because he realised having a place with stairs was a bad idea. No one needs to know just how badly of a screw up he is. It’s not their problem anyways. It’s about damn time he learns to learn from his own consequences. It was his own actions that led him here, so he has to deal with it on his own. No more leaning on the shoulders of people who have better things to worry about.
He doesn’t really have anything to do until then, so he just drives there early, parks his Jeep, and plays on his phone until closer to. He’s gotten really into playing solitaire to pass the time lately, which is what he spent his time doing. Then when it’s nearly one-thirty he steps inside to grab them a table.
When Maddie walks in, it’s as Buck is reading through and trying to find the cheapest thing on the menu. Saving any money he can is probably a good idea.
“Buck, hey,” she greets warmly. “How’ve you been?”
He wants to say that he’ll be better once he’s back with his team, but he’s a little worried that’ll lead to Maddie re-telling him her opinions on how there’s more to him than being a firefighter and all that.
There’s really not, though.
So, instead just replies with, “I’ve been good.” Lie. “Leg hasn’t been bothering me lately.” Lie. “I’ve missed you though.” True, actually.
Maddie smiles softly at him. “Glad you’re doing okay, but you know you can come to me if you’re not, right? Because I know you, so I know being separated from everyone can’t be easy on you, or you being out of the job that means that much to you.”
“I know, Mads,” he assures, but obviously he isn’t going to actually take her up on that. He’s a grown ass adult, who should be fine on his own, especially as someone who is used to being on his own by now. “Of course I miss everyone, and I can’t wait to be back. But it’s only a matter of time before I’m back where I belong. Everything is fine, I promise.”
Giving him a polite smile, Maddie chooses to change the topic, knowing she won’t get anything more out of him. “Okay. What do you think you’re going to order?”
“Uh… Garden salad, I guess,” Buck mumbles with an unenthusiastic expression as he takes another glance at the menu. It’s the cheapest thing on there, and even that is oddly overpriced for what it is. He doesn’t hate salad, but it’s not that filling and works better as a side dish, he thinks.
“Really?” Maddie is looking at him like he’s walking around with no head. “I picked this place because I thought you’d love to try their steak wrap.”
That was what he would have ordered if it weren’t for the fact he’s carefully conserving as much money as he can. While he still has some money in savings, he’ll probably need that for something more important down the line. Plus, if he can avoid major credit card debt, that’d be great.
“That does look delicious, yes, but so does this salad,” Buck tells her, forcing himself to give her a smile in an attempt to convince her that he doesn’t hate his situation right now. Though it’s hard to convince someone that you’re excited about a garden salad.
“There’s something you’re not telling me,” Maddie easily points out.
Sighing, Buck admits, “I can afford the wrap, but if I get the salad then I can use the additional money I would have used on the wrap to buy myself dinner later. I’m out of a job, so I’m just being careful with my money in the meantime. I’d rather not blow through all my savings if I don’t have to.”
“Don’t worry about it, Buck. I was going to pay for you anyways,” Maddie tells him, and Buck isn’t sure if that’s true, or if she’s just saying that to make it seem less like pity. “Are you really that strapped for cash right now?”
“No, I’m doing fine money wise,” he lies. “I just don’t want to be wasting money on things unnecessarily right now. I’ve lived with no money and no job before, and I really don’t want to find myself in that situation at some point if this lawsuit takes longer than I’m expecting. I know I’m being overly cautious, but life back then kinda sucked.” Just like it does now for him. He left the crappy parts out of his letters to his sister, but she’s smart enough to be able to fill in the blanks.
“So you’re just worried you’ll have to go through that again if you don’t?” Buck nods in agreement. “Okay. I’m not going to tell you to go out and waste all your money or anything, but don’t be afraid to spend it on food and things you need. If it comes to it, I can help you out. It wouldn’t ever come to that though, Buck. You have people here to lean on if you need it. No one wants you struggling.”
Maybe, but he deserves it anyways, he thinks to himself. All his life, he thought he deserved more, better. He’s learned that maybe that isn’t so true. It gets to a point where you have to realise that maybe you are actually the problem.
Instead of explaining all of that, he says, “Thanks for having my back, Mads.”
“Of course, Buck. You’re my brother, so no matter how much you annoy me at times, I’ll always be there for you, okay?”
So, when the waitress comes by, Buck orders the wrap, and thank god he did, because it was the most delicious food he’s had since the last time he had a home cooked meal from Bobby.
As Maddie said she would, she paid for the meal, and when Buck wasn’t paying attention, slipped a fifty dollar bill into his pocket. He didn’t notice until hours later when he was changing into something more comfortable to sleep in. He knows she’d never accept the bill back, so he texts her that he hates her, and she replies with love you too! Make sure you’re eating well! Always the mother figure to him.
The next morning he has a meeting with his lawyer, but since he had such a hard time falling asleep last night, he woke up much later in the morning than he was expecting. Which meant he didn’t have a chance to find somewhere to wash up before his appointment.
So, when he finally walks in a few minutes late, his lawyer looks far from impressed with him. He’s dressed nicely enough, he thinks, but it’s clear he just woke up and rushed to get here. He’s pretty sure his hair is sticking out at odd angles from the lack of hair gel due to a lack of time.
“Buckley, if you want your former employer to take you seriously, you’ll need to look at least reasonably put together,” he tuts as he gestures for Buck to take a seat in front of him.
“Sorry, just… rough night,” Buck apologises. “I’ll be more prepared next time.”
“Good, because we’ve got a date for an arbitration,” Mackey tells him. “But before then, let’s go over some things.” He then pulls Buck into a conversation about how it’s going to go, and asks for as much information on the team that Buck can give him to help out his case. Buck doesn’t know what will be helpful or not, so he just tells him everything. Surely something useful will stick out to him.
The meeting ends, and Buck feels sort of lost when it’s done, because he has nowhere to go. He’s not allowed to talk to anyone from the team, so he has no one to go bug, which really sucks. He already misses them so much. Which is exactly why he’s going through this lawsuit in the first place, he reminds himself. He has spent so many years having no one, so now that he finally has a family, he’s not letting them go. He’ll fight with everything he’s got to not lose them too.
Not getting a chance to eat breakfast, Buck decides that lunch is a good idea. Although he’s wracking his brain to come up with a cheap option. He doesn’t have a fridge in his Jeep, obviously, so he can’t buy groceries exactly. Maybe he can get some bread and peanut butter? Not super filling, but it can work for now, he supposes. For dinner he can buy a burger from some fast food place or something.
With that in mind, he drives to the nearest grocery store and picks up a few items that don’t need to be refrigerated. He then hops back into his Jeep, not bothering to leave the parking lot before making himself a sandwich.
Once he’s done that, he’s back to square one of not knowing what the fuck to spend his time doing.
Back before the tsunami, before he became a firefighter and was still living out of his Jeep the first time, he’d often spend his days at the beach just enjoying the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, or sun on his face. It’s why he loved living so close to the ocean. It was a place to feel free and at peace. A safe space.
Now though, he’s terrified of going anywhere close. That warm, safe feeling he used to experience, is nothing but a memory now. The way he came to realise that, is one day when he had to drive nearby to go to a specific shop, felt his heart start racing, and panicked thoughts started running as he got closer. He ended up just turning away and shopping somewhere else.
Probably something he should work on, just in case they get a call near the ocean some day once he’s back at work. For now though, he’s had a rough enough twenty-four hours, so that can wait. Maybe a nice park will do instead.
It’s funny how when you stop being used to something, you tend to also forget a lot of details about it. Sort of just morphing memories until they seem different than it actually was. That’s how living back in his Jeep feels, because he doesn’t remember it being this rough. At least not at first, but the more he thinks about it, yeah it definitely was.
He had to stop parking in the neighbourhood he was sleeping in before, because someone called the cops, worried that he was just waiting until everyone was asleep to break into their homes. He tried to explain that no, he was looking for a place to park for the night, but the cop advised that it’d be simpler to just find someplace new.
Now he most often just parks in the back of a parking lot of an abandoned mall. Only problem is that since it’s abandoned, there’s also a crowd that hangs out nearby that Buck would rather not interact with. Thankfully, they do tend to just leave him be, outside of asking if he has any smokes or weed, that is.
Thankfully, he decided to keep his gym membership. So, he has a place where he can make sure to stay in shape for the job, as well as a place to shower whenever he needs it. The place gives first responders a discount, and Buck just never told them he technically currently doesn’t work as a firefighter anymore, so he still gets the cheaper price.
It’s where he’s finding himself this morning, because he has to look as fresh and put together as he can for the arbitration meeting today. He’s quite nervous about it, but his lawyer seems so confident that it’ll go well in his favour, so he’s choosing to trust him.
In the end, he learns his lesson on trusting lawyers. Turns out, he wasn’t trying to get them to let Buck back, but rather win a huge settlement to bring himself a big paycheck and make himself look good.
Buck is tired of being pissed off, but new scenarios keep popping up where it becomes a problem. He snaps at his lawyer, and tells him that he doesn’t want the settlement, knowing that he owes his team a huge apology.
They were probably smart enough to see this coming, whilst Buck felt completely blind-sighted. Sounds about right though, he would be dumb enough to miss the obviousness right in front of him.
He tables it for the night, just heading back to his Jeep, finding the closest place to park and drift off into some restless sleep like most nights are nowadays.
The next morning, he decides to start the day with a workout, wanting to let out some pent up feelings before he has to face the team to apologize. His leg is particularly achy today, but he can’t be bothered to care. It just helps pull his mind from his racing thoughts, so if anything, he embraces that pain.
He figures the sooner he apologises the better. He’s definitely nervous about it though, especially after yesterday. When the team walked out of there, they looked like they wanted nothing to do with him. Fair enough, half the time he wants nothing to do with himself either. But he’s genuinely terrified of losing them, so he has to try something to make it right.
He really didn’t mean to hurt them, he’d never do it on purpose. He just hopes they understand that. He did it because he cares for them so badly that he’d do something drastic and dumb in an attempt to get back to them.
When he’s done his workout, cleaned up, and dressed, he makes his way to his Jeep. After he sits down, he rubs at his leg, hoping that the pain dies down a little before he has to face the team. Walking in with a limp wouldn’t do much to prove his point that he’s capable of being back at work.
He then starts driving towards the station, knowing they’re on shift today. Then he thinks about how maybe that’s not a great location to have this conversation. He doesn’t want them to feel like he’s trapping them, and forcing them to talk to him.
If he runs into them elsewhere, it gives them the option of leaving if they really want to, and as much as Buck hates that idea, he wants to give them that choice. Which is why he decides to camp out at the grocery store that they always go to with the hopes that today’s a day they need groceries.
Unfortunately for him, it was not. Which was fine enough, it’s not like he had anything better to do with his time than to wait around for them all day. As embarrassing as it is to admit to that.
So, at night, he parks in his usual area by the abandoned mall. He got there late enough that nobody was bothering him for any cigarettes this time. He’ll just try waiting again for the team tomorrow.
When he spots the familiar 118 engine parking in the parking lot, Buck immediately feels his nerves ignite. There’s no time to focus on that right now though, because right now he has to figure out how to sneak inside without them seeing so that he can have a much needed conversation.
The first part was easy, making it inside unnoticed. The hard part was figuring what the fuck to say once Hen spotted him and the rest of the team crowded by.
Pretty quickly, he realises that he should have rehearsed something. He had the time to do so. Instead, he makes a fool out of himself and just seems to piss of… Eddie more? That, he didn’t see coming. He could see Bobby laying it on thick, or the team in general to be mad, but Eddie was the one who stood out as the most upset. The rest sort of just stood idly by and watched as Eddie ripped him a new one.
Eddie only really lashes out like this when he’s hurting, and Buck can’t help but feel like he’s the one who’s causing his pain. Or at least making it worse. He wasn’t there for him when he clearly needed him, and now he feels awful for it. See, things like this are exactly why he doesn’t deserve help himself. He isn’t there for everyone else, so why should they be there for him?
If Eddie let him, he’d go to his place and make Chris pancakes for dinner and stay with him overnight to reassure him that even if he was gone for a little bit, he’d never leave him. Then he’d spend however long it took groveling and begging for Eddie’s forgiveness so that he can be there for him now to try and make up for all of his previous screw ups.
Doesn’t seem like Eddie wants him anywhere near him or his kid right now though, and he has no choice but to respect that.
In due time, he’s sure. He just needs to give Eddie a chance to cool off and get to a place where he’s ready to forgive him. Buck does wish he had a time machine to skip to that moment though, because this moment is one he wants to leave as quickly as possible.
When he does make his way out of the grocery store, he feels worse than he did going in, if he’s being honest. To make matters worse he can’t just go back to rotting in bed, because he doesn’t even have one anymore. It’s fine, clearly it’s what he deserves anyways. The universe is strongly hinting at that.
He should be miserable, with how he seems to make everyone around him feel that way.
After leaving, he finds himself driving off towards where the pier used to be. It was unintentional at first, but then once he realised what he was doing, he pushed on. He’s seen pictures of the wreck online, but never in person. He didn’t think he ever would, but he’s sort of in the mood to make himself feel even worse, to punish himself further.
So, he suffers through the anxiety as he drives closer, ignores the racing of his heartbeat, and pretends like he can’t feel his palms getting overly sweaty. He pushes himself to the point where he doesn’t even realise he’s only driving five miles an hour down the road towards his destination, not until someone starts honking at him from behind. It’s like he was subconsciously trying to delay his arrival the best he could.
He then parks his car about three blocks away, choosing to walk over, instead of driving the rest of the way. Why? He’s not entirely sure, but he’s already walking over with unsturdy legs. He gets to about a block away, easily able to start seeing some of the damage, when he starts finding it hard to breathe. He wouldn’t call this a full blown panic attack, but he’s definitely panicking.
His brain is replaying the moments leading up to the tsunami, then being trapped in the water, and ending off with remembering all those hours searching for Chris after he screwed up and lost him. It’s a nasty loop of memories playing on repeat. He almost ruined his best friend's life that day in an unrepairable way. If he can even call Eddie his best friend anymore, given that he seems to want nothing to do with him right now.
Frozen in place as he stares at the wreckage in front of him, unable to bring himself any closer, he starts feeling his phone buzzing in his pocket. An uncommon thing these days.
With shaky hands, he answers it, pulling the phone to his ear. “H-Hello?” He didn’t even bother checking the contact. It could be a spam caller for all he knows.
“Buck?” Maddie says from the other end, sounding worried. “Are you alright?”
“Y-Yeah, fine.” His voice is definitely shaking. He turns around so that he’s no longer facing the direction of the sea. He never even made it far enough to even make out the ocean, just the damaged buildings leading up to it.
“You don’t sound fine,” Maddie notes. “Where are you?”
“By th-the pier. Where the pier used to be,” he answers truthfully, knowing that Maddie will understand what’s got him so freaked out. He only tells her for her own sake, so she knows he’s fine enough.
“Oh, Buck,” Maddie says softly. “I was calling to check up on you, because Chim told me about the run-in at the grocery store. But clearly you’re not feeling great about it if you’re torturing yourself by visiting the pier when you’re clearly not ready to.”
“I-I’m fine, Mads. R-Really, I am.” He really did try to be convincing there, but his voice is weak and fragile, just like he feels. “Maddie, I’m scared.” The words leave his mouth, and Buck isn’t sure if he gave himself permission to say them or not. Either way, he just wants his big sister to hold him and tell him he’s okay. It’s selfish, but he’s learned that’s exactly what he is.
“Send me your location, and I’ll come pick you up,” she offers, and Buck wants to tell her it’s unnecessary, but he really doesn’t want to be alone right now. So, instead, he does as she asked.
Maddie stays on the phone with him as she starts driving, talking about anything that comes to her mind to help distract him. He moves so that he’s sitting on the ledge of a flower bed, though all the flowers are dead, probably from the water that day, and closes his eyes so that he can try and imagine that he’s sitting somewhere where he feels safe.
Unfortunately for him, that safe place was the firehouse, and that just made him feel even worse. To the point where he didn’t even realise he was crying until Maddie was quietly whispering to him that he’s okay, and that she’ll be there soon.
God, he feels weak and useless right now. Maybe Bobby was right. Or maybe he never even deserved to be a firefighter in the first place. Why should he have ever been allowed to be happy? It seems only fair that it was taken away from him. For good, it seems, after how these past few days have gone.
Next thing he knows, he’s being startled by someone gently touching his arm, causing him to open his eyes in panic.
“It’s just me,” Maddie says, voice soft and calming. “You’re okay. C’mon, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place for the night. I don’t want you to be alone.”
“I’m fine, Maddie, really.” But even he can’t pretend he could ever believe that.
“Yeah and my skin is purple,” Maddie says sarcastically. “Just get in the damn car and let your sister make sure you’re okay, please?”
Buck wordlessly gets up, and finds his way to the passenger side of her vehicle, climbing inside. It’s warm, making Buck realise that he was actually quite cold as he sat there. He supposes that he was just too lost in his head to notice, or maybe he’s just getting too used to always being cold these days without a warm home to go to at the end of the day.
Before Maddie drives, she asks, “Where’s your Jeep so I can pick it up so you don’t have to come back?” Then, because she knows her little brother so well, she adds, “It’s not up for negotiation. Tell me.”
“A couple blocks that way.” Buck points down the street he parked on.
Right now he’s glad all of his belongings are hidden in his trunk so that Maddie won’t get suspicious when she gets inside to drive. That’s the last thing he needs right now, to make another person have to put up with more of his bullshit. He feels bad enough as is, having her help out right now just because he couldn’t handle seeing the ocean again.
The drive to Maddie’s place is mostly quiet. Maddie doesn’t ask any questions, and Buck doesn’t offer any answers without them. The radio is just playing quietly, and Buck appreciates that. The further they drive away, the more he relaxes, and the more he feels ridiculous for how he reacted.
When they arrive at Maddie’s apartment building, Buck follows her inside, feeling like a kicked dog if he’s being honest. Even if he’s not in trouble with Maddie at all right now. Maybe he’s the one metaphorically kicking himself. Yeah, that seems about right.
She tells him to make himself comfortable, pushing him towards the couch, then asks if he wants anything to drink. Buck isn’t much of a tea drinker, but he wants something warm right now, so he asks for some.
Maddie knows him better than that though, so what she walks into the living room with is two mugs of hot chocolate. His comfort beverage. It reminds him a lot of good times he’s had with Maddie growing up.
“I didn’t realise you were so afraid to go back to the pier,” Maddie admits, voice soft. “You’ve never really been the type to have fears, so I was surprised to hear you sound so scared.”
“I didn’t realise I was afraid to go back near the ocean at first, but one day I had to drive near, and I freaked out and just drove away,” Buck confesses. “Now just the thought of it has me freaking out over nothing.”
“It’s not over nothing.” She gives him a pointed expression, like she’s trying to convey that he needs to stop downplaying his problems. “Then how come you went back on your own today? Was it some sort of self punishment after the conversation at the grocery store?” Maddie wonders, giving him a sympathetic look. She knows him impressively well. After all, she was the one who raised him for the first while.
Buck shrugs. “No… Maybe? I don’t know. I guess, yeah. I was feeling kind of shitty, and…” He trails off.
“And you wanted to feel even worse?” Maddie prompts, there’s concern written in her features, and Buck doesn’t think he deserves her worry.
Buck nods. “Just been having a shitty week, I guess.”
“What else happened?”
“They offered me a settlement deal. A few million dollars–”
Maddie interrupts him with, “And that’s your idea of a shitty week?”
“Yes, because I don’t care about the money!” He half shouts, though his voice still comes out weak, feeling frustrated. “All I want is to be back. I need to be back. But instead they offered me money to not cause a bigger fuss, and my lawyer told me that they’re never going to let me back now. Mads, I screwed up so badly, I don’t know what to do. Eddie hates me now, they all do.”
Pulling Buck into a hug, Maddie holds him tight. “I promise they don’t hate you. They’re mad about the situation and the way you chose to handle it, but they don’t hate you. Chim grumbles his complaints that he thinks the lawsuit was a stupid idea, but he’s also telling me how bad he feels for you, because you didn’t deserve any of this to happen to you.”
“I think I did,” Buck whispers quietly. “Deserve it, I mean.”
Maddie pulls away, and looks at him with a shocked expression. “You don’t really feel that way, do you?” She’s now furrowing her brows, far more concerned.
“I mean… I just tend to ruin everything. If I didn’t then maybe our parents would have actually loved me. Maybe one single person in my life would have stuck around for me. But instead I hurt everyone around me. Mads, I am so inherently unlovable, I am too much, but it just takes those around me too long to notice sometimes. So they give me all this time to get attached, then they leave and… I’m so tired of feeling this pain over and over again. Maybe now I should just– Maybe I stick to being alone from now on. That way no one can hurt me anymore, and I can’t screw up again.”
When Buck looks up at Maddie, he sees a tear running down her cheek, and his first thought is, well, there I go again, making everyone around me feel like shit. What he doesn’t realise is that he’s got matching tears trailing down his face. That doesn’t matter to him, he’s allowed to feel crappy, Maddie isn’t, not after everything she’s already been through.
“Buck,” Maddie says sadly, then pauses for a moment, seemingly to gather her thoughts. “You are the most lovable person I’ve ever met. Every single person that meets you, adores you, Evan. Don’t let Mom and Dad being shitty parents dictate how you view yourself. And look, I may have left once, but I wasn’t leaving you, I was leaving them, and as soon as I could, I came back to you.”
“I know, and I don’t blame you for wanting to leave home, or what went on while you were with Doug, but it still hurt, y’know? You were my only support system, then suddenly one day I was left completely on my own. I was terrified. You said I’m not one to be afraid, well, I’ve spent my whole life afraid. Afraid of not being enough, afraid that I’ll always be alone, that I’ll never really know what it feels like to be loved.”
And no matter how hard he tries to prevent his fears from coming true, it inevitably happens anyway.
“And you let that fear blind you from seeing what’s directly in front of you, Buck,” Maddie points out. “Because I see so much love for you, from so many people.”
Buck huffs out a weak laugh, not really believing her right now. Maybe he would have before the whole bombing incident, but lately it’s not felt very true. Even before the lawsuit, it was far and wide in between when someone would reach out to him. He spent so much of his healing alone. Which he gets, everyone else has lives outside of him, families. But it still hurts, even if it wasn’t a rational thing to be hurt by.
The thing is, it’s easier to cause pain when the person has already been hurt. All you need to do is press on the wound. Buck’s wounds never seem to fully heal is the problem. They’re always there for someone to jab and make worse once again.
“I knew you were lying when you said you were doing good when we went out for lunch,” Maddie admits, looking almost mad at herself for not doing something more to protect Buck from the world. It’s not her fault though. “I should have pushed harder.”
“And I wouldn’t have said anything. I think I only blurted all this out because I’m so exhausted and my brain was in fight or flight mode from the stupid panicking from the stupid ocean,” Buck tells her.
If Maddie never called, he’d probably still be sitting there, freaking out until he could collect himself enough to go back to his Jeep, or maybe walk into the ocean waves and never come back.
“You having nightmares?”
“Hmm?” Buck hums, unsure of where that specific question came from.
“You said you’re exhausted. Not sleeping well?” She explains, then asks.
The nightmares certainly don’t help, but being terrified each night because he doesn’t feel safe in his Jeep is probably the bigger factor here. Still, he lies, or tells her a half-truth, more accurately, “Yeah. Mostly about losing Chris. It’s fine though, I know it’s a nightmare. I can handle it just fine.”
“You don’t have to just ‘handle’ everything on your own, Buck. There’s people that are here to support you, whether you want to see that or not. Y’know, maybe you should consider seeing someone. A therapist,” Maddie suggests, and that idea immediately makes his mouth taste sour.
Ever since the last time he went to therapy, the thought of going back makes him feel like his skin is crawling. “No, I- I can’t. I’ll figure something out, but I’m not seeing another therapist.”
“Another?”
Buck just shakes his head, silently begging her to drop it. Thankfully she does after seeing his expression.
“How about I leave you to take a nap. You look like you could use one,” she suggests instead, giving him a soft smile. “I’ll be in my room if you need me, okay?”
“Thanks, Mads.” He gives her an appreciative smile in return, then moves to lay down after Maddie stands up. She then makes sure to pass him a blanket before disappearing into her room.
Maddie made good on her word, and picked up his Jeep so he wouldn’t have to go back. At first Buck was quite against the idea of putting her out even more, but the thought of having to go back was far too great for him to not let her.
When Maddie came back, she didn’t question anything about it, so she must not have clued in that he’s been living in it for a few weeks now. Like he said, the evidence is all hidden in his trunk, so unless she chose to snoop in there, she should have any reason to think he’s been residing inside.
He spent the night at Maddie’s, feeling grateful to be able to sleep indoors for once. A couch feels like heaven to him these days. Especially when it’s somewhere where he feels as safe as he does with his sister. It meant he got proper rest for once.
But when he woke up, it was to Chimney coming home from his shift in the morning, and immediately the guilt took over again. He then threw out an apology for being there when he got back, then rushed out the door.
Chimney had tried to stop him, trying to say something to him, but Buck’s half-asleep on edge mind convinced him that he was going to tell him off for being there. However, when he receives a text from him shortly after saying that Buck was still welcome in their apartment and he didn’t need to leave, he feels like an idiot for bolting out of there like that.
He’s still tired, mostly in the it’s hard to feel fully rested just from just one good night’s rest kind of way, but that was still the best sleep he’s had in ages. So, since he’s feeling much more refreshed than usual, which is really quite pleasant, he takes up this opportunity to go for a hike. He picks a trail he’s done once before a long while ago, and lets himself enjoy some time out in nature.
To pretend for a few hours that everything is normal and fine.
He’s just starting his hike when he gets a call from Maddie. He’s not really in the mood to talk though, so he declines, then messages her that he’s hiking so service is too spotty for a call. She responds immediately, telling him to be safe and to call her later.
Whether or not he follows through with that is still up in the air, but he replies with a thumbs up anyway.
The hike is nice, and it only irritates his leg a little bit, which Buck takes as a win. Being out in nature has always been a good way to calm his mind. The feel of a fresh breeze on his face and the chirps of birds have such an ability to make his thoughts slow down. So as he treks along the path, he feels about a hundred times better than he did yesterday almost instantly.
He knows he’ll have to make a new plan, because clearly going back to the station after suing them isn’t going to happen. He’s an idiot for ever thinking that would work. Maybe he should have taken the settlement money, that way he’d at least get something out of this. He could have paid off his bills, then fucked off to somewhere new. Instead, he lost his job, his family, and is still homeless and essentially broke. The money sitting in his banking account is just waiting to be spent on more bills anyways.
Life’s really not on the up and up for him right now.
But that’s okay, because there’s pretty flowers on this trail to look at, so who cares? Not him, not today.
It’s three days later as he’s setting up his Jeep for the night when Bobby calls him. He’s almost half convinced that he’s already dreaming when the contact pops up.
“Bobby?” Buck asks into the phone, half expecting someone else to be on the other end, because why would Bobby ever call him after everything? He should hate him, and if he doesn’t, why not? He hates himself, but maybe that’s because he knows himself well enough to know it’s warranted. Bobby will get there soon enough, if he isn’t already.
“Buck, the team is going out to a rage room tomorrow evening. If you want, you’re invited,” Bobby offers, and Buck has to pull the phone away to double check the contact again to make sure he’s not hallucinating the sound of Bobby’s voice and the questions that’s coming with it. “Buck?” Bobby says when Buck takes too long to answer.
“Uh, yes!” He hurriedly replies, too enthusiastically, he thinks. “I mean, yeah, I’ll try to come. Just text me the time and address." He attempted to say that in a much more casual manner, only failing slightly.
Bobby affirms that he’ll do that, then says a brief goodbye before hanging up. It leaves Buck just standing there thinking, maybe I didn’t screw everything up completely? He sure hopes that’s the case. Even if he can’t go back to working with them, he’d still like to be a part of their lives. Even if he knows that’s a selfish thing to do considering everything.
Feeling much lighter after that call, he goes back to his original task. He pulls down the back seats and unrolls the foam bed topper sitting in the trunk of his Jeep that he bought. It’s still a little crammed back there, but so far, he’s found that this is the best option. He can at least lay flat-ish and stretch out a decent amount if he positions himself at an angle. It’d be perfect if he could fold the front seat down too, but unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.
So, he gets himself as comfortable as he can, laying down in between his bags of things he couldn’t part with, and tries falling asleep, knowing that it’ll take a while before he actually does.
It’s been a month since his last payment was due for his medical bills, which means he needs to make another payment. It’s automatic, but he has to make sure to have enough money in the right account for it to go through. Opening up his bank account, he sees that he’ll definitely be needing to pull money from his savings in order to afford to do so. There’s still enough money in there to get by for a little while, but he is really going to need to figure some work soon if he’s going to want to get by without falling heavily into debt.
He tried appealing with his insurance about not covering his bills from the embolism, but they haven’t reached out yet. He’s not holding out hope though. Insurance companies only care about making themselves money, not helping those who need it.
He’s also going to have to make his final payment to his lawyer, because despite not taking the settlement money, he did win the case for him, and is expecting something for that. Buck thinks that’s bullshit, but once again, it’s just one of those things that are what they are.
So money is really becoming a stressor for him. Before, he was so convinced that he’d be back at work soon enough, so he thought he just had to hold on for a little while. But now that he’s not going back after everything, he’s panicking a little bit, he’s not going to lie.
There’s no choice but to just suck it up and figure it out though. He’s made it this far on his own, probably in worse scenarios, so he’ll make it out just fine. At least he hopes so.
It’ll just suck up until that point.
Obviously he could go to his sister, hell, even Bobby, he assumes, maybe. Although, he’s sick of being this burden that everyone has to deal with. He inserts himself in other people’s lives and then begs them to love him and to help him, but that’s a bit self-absorbed, he’s learned. It’s time to back off and make do with what he can without hoping someone can come in and rescue him from his own doings like he always tends to do.
It’ll be fine, he’ll figure it out… Maybe.
Maybe he can just skip lunch today, that's a few extra dollars he can use for something more important. Besides, Bobby might be expecting him to pay his share tonight, so he's got to account for that. He should offer if Bobby doesn’t ask, though. It’s the right thing to do after everything.
Before moving back in, he forgot how lonely living in his Jeep can be. At least this time he can still talk to his sister. Doesn’t help to feel less alone though. He spends all day everyday pretty much just sitting somewhere random until it's late enough to justify going to sleep.
The library is a place he’s been spending a lot of time at lately. It’s free, and a great place to charge his phone so that he doesn’t have to keep his car running. Besides, he’s been enjoying reading to pass the time lately. He doesn’t go for anything in specific though, it could be a sappy romance novel that makes his heart break a little, knowing that he’ll never be good enough to deserve that one day. Then the next he could be reading a book about the history of fossils, or an autobiography written by someone he’s never even heard of.
That’s what’s great about the library. The options are practically endless. It’s a great way to pull him out of his mind; to forget just how shitty life really is. Unless he finds himself relating too much to a character. He’s learned to at least pick happy books instead.
It’s where he decides he’s going to spend the day before meeting up at the rage room at seven in the evening.
“Welcome back,” the librarian greets as he walks by. Buck gives her a polite smile before he seeks out a new book. Today he’s thinking he’s going to go with something more interestingly educational.
The one he settles on is a book about natural disasters. The picture of a tsunami on the front made his heart beat slightly off rhythm for a second, but that’s okay. Maybe if he learns more about them, then his mind will associate it with fun facts and not the devastating reality of losing his best friend's kid in the murky waters.
He doesn’t dive right into the section on tsunamis, choosing to flip to the page about volcanoes. He’ll ease himself into getting there. Start far away, then make his way through various water related disasters like typhoons and hurricanes before landing on the information about tsunamis.
In between reading what the book has to say, and googling more information after, Buck doesn’t quite make it far enough to actually get to his end goal before he has to leave. Whether or not that was intentional is up for debate, but it doesn’t matter. Right now he has just enough time to swing by the gym to shower and get ready to meet up with everyone.
As he’s walking out of the gym though, an employee stops him in his tracks.
“Look, kid, your last payment bounced,” he says. “I’ve been watching you, so I know you’ve mostly just been using the showers.”
Buck feels his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. He didn’t think anyone in here paid him any mind.
“Sorry. I, uh– I can pay right now. I think I have–”
“Don’t worry about it,” the employee cuts in, Dan, as his nametag says. “I was actually looking to give you an offer. Our current night security guard is on paternity leave, so if you are willing to cover for him, I’ll let you continue using our showers for as long as you need.”
“Really? Buck asks, surprised. “I mean, yeah, I could– Yeah, I could do that.”
“You seem like a good guy, and I don’t know what sort of pickle you’ve gotten yourself into, but I need the help, and it seems like you do too,” Dan says. “Can you start tomorrow?”
“Yes, uh, tomorrow works great.”
“I’ve got your number from your account, so I’ll message you the details,” Dan informs. “See you then.”
Buck nods, then rushes out towards his Jeep, already running a little bit late to get to where he’s meeting up with everyone. He’s feeling a little relieved though, because at least this’ll be some money in his pocket, and he’ll be able to keep having a place to clean up. Feels like a win-win scenario to him.
It’s only a temporary job, but that gives him something until he can figure out something more permanent. For now though, he’s got to see if he can get his team to begin to forgive him by smashing things with them.
When he walks in, he’s feeling a little jittery. Even more so when he spots Bobby walking over to him.
“Hey, uh– Hey, Bobby,” he greets. “Thank you for… inviting me.” He sort of feels like if he says one wrong thing, then Bobby will realise he made a mistake in inviting him, so he’s careful with his words. “Look, I just wanted to apologise–”
“You’re getting a call tomorrow,” Bobby cuts in, and Buck is confused for a moment until Bobby clarifies. “From the chief. You’re being reinstated to active duty.” Buck is at a loss for words. He was so incredibly convinced that he’d really screwed the pooch here, and would never be welcome to step foot in that station, yet alone work there again. “Brass didn’t want the headache. They’re afraid of the bad press.”
“Uh…” Buck laughs lightly in relief. “That– That’s awesome.”
“Yeah, maybe not,” Bobby tells him, making a sinking feeling appear in Buck once again. “They gave me the option to transfer you.” Oh… Yeah, that makes sense, he supposes. Of course Bobby wouldn’t want him back. “They understood how I might not want you back after everything you put us through.” Yeah, Buck doesn’t blame him. He doesn’t want to deal with himself, so it’d only make sense that he wouldn’t either. But then Bobby continues, “But I said no. You’re coming back to the 118, where I can keep an eye on you.”
Wait… what? That doesn’t make any sense to him.
Whatever, he’s not going to think too much into it right now, and just accept the offering.
“Thanks, Captain. You won’t regret it,” Buck assures.
“You might,” Bobby quickly counters. “My house, my rules. Remember that?” Bobby then steps away, assumingly to go spend some time with literally anyone else but him, leaving Buck to stew in what that conversation was.
It’s fine. Whatever Bobby wants to throw at him doesn’t matter. He got what he wanted, and now he can hopefully start working towards moving out of his Jeep into a place with walls and a heater preferably.
But then he remembers he agreed to help out at the gym. He’s a man of his word, so he’s going to follow through with that. He’ll just have to figure out the details later, he supposes.
Now though, he’s going to smash some shit, because that sounds fucking great after everything.
Buck gets the call the next morning like promised, just before he was about to finally go to sleep. He decided to stay up all night so that he could sleep during daytime hours, wanting to feel rested enough to work throughout the night. It wasn’t easy though. The city is louder during the day, and much brighter too.
His shift starts at eleven, and goes until seven in the morning. It’s not his first time working nights at a job, so he thinks it’ll be no big deal. Plus, when he told Dan that he got his old job back, he said that between Buck and Paul, the other night shift security guy, they’ll be able to work around his shifts.
Because that’s something he’ll have soon. Shifts at the fire station. Starting in a week and a half. Tomorrow though, he has to go down to the headquarters and basically sign his life away to be allowed back. He was told there were several forms where Buck would have to agree to whatever so as to not let him sue them again basically.
Of course he agreed to sign whatever they needed, but also told him that he learned his lesson. No more suing. The chief then made sure to give Buck the number for his union rep and told him that was who he was meant to contact in case he felt like he was being treated unfairly at work. There’s in house options, Buckley, he had told him.
Yeah, yeah, he gets it. He went about it in the dumbest way possible. But in his defense, he was hurting, scared, and slowly watching his bank account dwindle while being able to do nothing about it. So, yeah, he reacted out of panic instead of rational thinking, but he isn’t so sure he blames himself for it. If anyone else were in his situation, would they have been able to think super clearly?
There’s a reason a lot of people who fall heavily into debt end up in jail. They panic and do something stupid in an attempt to fix it, but only manage to make it worse in the process. Buck did that, but just nothing illegal.
But then again, the money issues weren’t his main factors in wanting to be back at work, as ridiculous as it sounds. Getting a taste of what it was like to have a family, to be needed, to be useful, then having it ripped away was a pain like no other.
There’s no need to dwell on that though, because he’s going back. Everything will be okay.
His shift goes by pretty slowly. It’s a twenty-four hour gym, and it’s in a relatively safe area of the city, so Buck doesn’t do much more than greet the few people who work out at ungodly hours. He can’t judge them though, because he’s also the type of person who finds themselves in the gym at three in the morning.
He can’t lie though, it felt nice getting to spend the night somewhere indoors again. Other than the night he spent at Maddie’s, and the one time he fell asleep at the library and no one noticed he was there, he’s spent every single night in his Jeep for weeks now.
The weather is getting colder too, which makes it worse. He’s been thinking of coming up with some sort of excuse for those nights where it’ll be too cold to stay in his car to have someone let him stay with them. Maybe he can tell Maddie his heating went out and just needs a place to crash for a couple nights while they fix it.
Maybe he can sneak in at night and crash in the bunk room during C-shift or B-shifts nights. He doesn’t quite know how he could do that without the information getting back to Bobby though, so that might be out of the picture.
Details are just details, he’ll figure it out.
With a yawn, he gets into his car to drive to the LAFD headquarters to go through the paperwork he needs, then he’s going to sleep until tomorrow he thinks. He’s exhausted, that’s for sure.
Thankfully, it went smoothly. Buck didn’t really ask many questions, just signed and initialed wherever he was asked to. The chief then shook his hand, and said, “Welcome back, Firefighter Buckley.”
He’s excited to be back.